Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Madonna sang Rebel Rebel in tribute to David Bowie at one of her shows.
Do we all agree in the right to be different, she asked the crowd? Yeah, we all agree, Madge, they yelled back. Let’s be different!
“It would be my guess that Madonna is not a very happy woman. From my own experience, having gone through persona changes like that, that kind of clawing need to be the center of attention is not a pleasant place to be” – David Bowie
Spotter: Victor Olliver
“Nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is separated from husband Number 2. Lest anyone be in any doubt as to whose side we should be on in the tale of love undone, the Sun features two stories:
First up is the Sun’s scoop on our Chezza: she’s no longer “so gaunt…that fans were left fearing for her health” (source: the Sun, December 2015). No way. Now she’s “sports toned”:
As for whatshisface well, you should see the company he keeps:
Readers looking at the profile of Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka ‘- -‘, may wonder why the Sun fails to also rake over Cheryl’s past. After all, in so part of the attack on – – can we find any evidence that he has been in trouble with the law. Cheryl, on the other hand, has form. She was found guilty of assaulting toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa. Judge Richard Haworth told her:
“This was an unpleasant piece of drunken violence which caused Sophie Amogbokpa pain and suffering. Her eye was painful for three or four weeks, there was bruising for three months and for a while she had blurred vision. You showed no remorse whatsoever.”
The hatchet job against – – runs:
…today we can reveal how JB hid his woman-loving ways from his future wife, appeared to exaggerate his business endeavours, distorted his educational record and even regularly changed his name.
Poor Cheryl Tweety/ Cole / – – !
When he first became involved with Cheryl, the restaurateur tried to remove all traces of his playboy past from the internet.
It included wiping 29 telling photographs from his Instagram account. The pictures, which we publish for the first time today, show him cosying up to various beautiful women, some of whom look strikingly like his future wife… In one image he is being straddled by a woman with her legs wrapped around his neck.
In another he is seen pulling the hair of a woman in a nightclub.
Got one of him punching the nightclub woman in the face? No.
Looks like the gloves have come off in this divorce story.
In an “exclusive” the Star says EastEnders are to bring back Dame Barbra Windsor only to kill her off. Babs, of course, is not going to die on the telly. This is about the character, she plays in the tired BBC soap opera, Peggy Mitchell. She will “Peg Out”.
It’s an ‘exclusive’ exclusive to every newspaper that got the message from the EastEnders PR department: “Peggy’s gonna die. It’s gonna be great.”
On page 7, the Star says Peggy’s death will be “tear-jerking”. Anyone reduced to tears by the trailed death of an occasional soap opera character is in need of urgent help. they should also switch off the magic box and get out, possibly to the actual East End of London, where every gardens square is now surrounded by glassy homes that cost millions of pounds and shops selling reassuringly expensive organic puss.
Newsflash: EastEnders is not a fly-on-the-wall documentary. It’s the BBC’s dystopian vision of what working-class people do.
Says Babs: “Peggy is a character close to my heart… but I need to say goodbye to Peggy once and for all, or she will always be there.”
Good luck with that, Babs. This is EastEnders, where people return from the dead. Although picking them out form the other zombies is tricky.
This might be the most trite David Bowie tribute of the lot. In New Zealand one local paper asks ‘whose shirt are you wearing?’ #davidbowie
Next week: which tin can is your favourite?
David Bowie has been cremated. No pomp. No public show. No national day of mourning. No State funeral. No support of whatever cause has latched onto his life, mutating his daring talent to their own ends and agenda. No educating of morals and mores.
He was cremated in private.
David Bowie is being praised in death by such unlikely sources as the BBC, Daily Mail and every other media outfit who favours the safe over the daring.
The Daily Star is leading calls for a State Funeral.
When did David Bowie become the Queen Mother? He never drank that much…
Sad news in the world of romance: BBC TV presenter and former England footballer Gary Lineker, 55, is no longer in love with his wife, the thrusting Danielle, 36. They have agreed a financial settlement “agreeable to both parties”, says a source in the Star.
The Star thought it important enough to appear on its front page, replacing news of a doctors’ striker with an advert-styled “Lineker divorces today”:
The Sun features the story on its Page 3, the place famously given over to topless stunnas. Phwaor – gerraloadofGaz!
Gary – vital stats: 55-£200m-4kids – is available.
Danielle Linker, formerly Danielle Bux, is away.
In the Times’ Births, Marriages and Deaths, an announcement has been made: Jerry Hall is to marry Rupert Murdoch. What the billionaire sees in the mother of four we cannot be cerain. But there it is.
You can imagine Murdoch booking the advert in his own paper.
Times: BM & Ds. Hello…
RM: It’s about Rupert Murdoch..
Times: He’s had a baby?
RM: Not yet. He’s having a babe. It’s Jerry Hall. She’s marrying Rupert Murdoch.
Times: Murdock. With a ‘ck’?
RM: Naw! CH you dozy bint.
Times: Jerry, as in Jeremy?
RM: I’m no nooftah! It’s JERRY! It’s a girl’s name.
There will be cynics who knock and lampoon the man and the woman. But love will out.
David Bowie died at the wrong time for the dead-tree Press. The New York Times told us it was a good time to be Bowie. The Daily Mail went for a hatchet job, penned by Jan Moir.
Even the advert is wrong:
The British dead tree Press utterly missed David Bowie’s death. The USA had a few hours more to digest news of the Thin White Duke’ passing. And it still managed to balls it up:
‘Nation’s Sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole has split from husband number 2. He’s called Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka –, an ambulatory hyphen magnet whose been married to Cheryl for a whole 18 months.
News in the Mirror is that he does no want his wife cash.
Cheryl can keep the pounds – and, boy, she could do them.
The Mirror hears from an unnamed source who says of JB F-V: “There is no question of him taking her to the cleaners. He says he doesn’t want Cheryl’s money and is happy to end things quickly and amiably.”
We never do get to hear from –, which leaves the Mail to take a different approach. It leads with “Now for the battle over Cheryl’s £20m fortune.” They says he could take away £8m.
In a fight, the easy money would be on — delivering the knock-out blow. But Cheryl half form with cleaners, whether they be estranged husbands taking her to meet them or nightclub toilet workers.
David Bowie has died. You might have hard the sad news. He was brilliant. All day long the BBC has been paying tribute to the great entertainer who was “edgy”, ” cutting edge”, challenging and so on and on and on. That’s the BBC that has a deep history of banning the edgy, challenging, cutting edge, etc. It really is such utter balls from the State censor.
But if you want toe-curling tribute to David Bowie you can compare and contrast the reaction of the man’s own son, Duncan Jones, to that of Times columnist Caitlin Moran:
More tributes to the singer everyone loved, admired, adored and never thought odd or a bit right-wing to follow.
Spotter: Brendan O’Neill
David Cameron has died. Well, so says Fiona Winchester, a newsreader for Heart FM.
Whoops! Her mistake.
That’s David Bowie who died. Spot the difference?
Vocals Only: David Bowie and Freddie Mercury sing Under Pressure:
As ever it must, the Daily Star lead with news of Celebrity Big Brother, a terrific show being murdered through over-use. Onn the cover, we see Krisitan Rihanoff, a hoofer on pro-celebrity dance show Strictly Come Dancing.
She illustrates the news that CBB “faces the axe” over “record complaints”. Viewers tuning in to the show have been upset by “racism, anti-gay slurs and lewd acts”.
On page 7 we read that the “record complains” amount to 350 moans over two days.
Regular readers may recall the Star’s news of February 2015:
The housemates have already received 2,549 complaints about the series after sexist, racist and homophobic behaviour by showbiz blogger Perez, 36, and former Baywatch star Jeremy Jackson, 34, shocked viewers.
Now producers fear the backlash from fans could “spell the end for the show”.
It didn’t then. It won’t now.
To Wakaliga, Uganda, where Ramon Film Productions is knocking them bandy with action films of a unique strain. Nabwana IGG, who gave us the terrific Who Killed Captain Alex (budget 200), presents Operation Kakongoliro! The Ugandan Expendables (budget: £2000).
When Brian Eno’s Obscure Records closed in 1978, the ten albums he recorded for the label became tricky to find. Now Ubuweb has links to all ten albums.
David Bowie has been in a many interviews. YouTuber Bodacea1 has compiled the parts of each where Bowie gets shirty.
Davis is the demure “Hollyoaks babe” all set to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house and “dish the dirt” on former One Direction mumbler Zayn Malik.
The paper tells us that Stephanie and Zayn “secretly dated four years ago”.
The Sun: October 3 2011: “Zayn’s getting his Oaks – She’s in the fame game too so she understands what it’s like to have people interested in her private life. They’re very sweet together.”
Sky news anchor Kay Burley has a top tip for York City flood victims:
Over on Twitter, jobbing pundit and Alan Sugar Apprentice advisor Karren Brady has seen a picture of televised investor and Dirk Bogarde hair enthusiast Duncan Bannatyne and sniped to Sun readers: “For a seriously clever entrepreneur, Duncan Bannatyne is acting like a silly old fool. At 66 he has taken up with his second mid-30s partner this year and flaunts it by posting a hilariously repulsive picture, above, of him snogging this young lady.”
Bannatyne responded by tweeting, “Brady is a complete coward to attack my GF in this way. Total coward Brady.”
She was, of course, mocking him, as well she might.
But it is a little odd that Brady should find inter-generational love so repulsive. She works as Vice Chairman of West Ham United under Chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan. Gold’s daughter, Jacqueline Gold, was once married to a man 17 years her junior. Sullivan (born 1949) is married to a former glamour model (born 1965).
The young Karren Brady was appointed sales director of The Sunday Sport, the tits and football aid to masturbation disguised as a newspaper set up by Sullivan in 1986. The newspaper featured the Sunday Sport Adult Celebrity Comic!
Here’s a tasteful taster (NSFW):
Any similarities to Bannatyne and Brady are purely coincidental.
Have yourselves a happy Christmas, folks. Here are the top five Christmas songs written by Jews:
“White Christmas” – Written by Irving Berlin. Bing Crosby’s version is the bestselling single of all time
“The Christmas song” (“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”) – Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” – Sammy Cahn.
“Santa Baby” – written by Joan Javits.
“Winter Wonderland” – written in 1934 by Felix Bernard.
Take it away, Eartha Kitt:
Apex Entertainment’s feature movie Chappaquiddick is being talked about by its producer, Mark Ciardi. The Hollywood Reporter trails the trail thus:
On the eve of the moon landing, Senator Kennedy becomes entangled in a tragic car accident that results in the death of former Robert Kennedy campaign worker Mary Jo Kopechne.
Entangled? Read all about poor Ted here.
It’s TV’s Anton De Beke – and news of this 5-a-day.