Anorak

Celebrities

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Grace Is A Veruca

"She’s going for that net curtain look," says Grace. "It’s the worse f***ing thing I’ve seen in my life."

Grace is back. And she’s been talking about Aisleyne’s dress, the one the Londoner wore for her eviction into the house next door.

Grace doesn’t like it. And this is Grace from the provinces, the girl who wears cowboy boots. John Prescott wears cowboy boots.

Grace is back on our screens. She should be sat on a pony in a paddock somewhere off the M3. She should be bullying the new girl at class, the one with the polyester-mix dress and last season’s shoes. She should be screaming and screaming and screaming until she is sick. She should be called Veruca Salt.

But she is not. She is none of those things. Grace is sat in the house next door and she is bitching and sneering about Aisleyne.

How did Grace make it back onto the show? Did her daddy and mummy sit up all night telephoning into the premium rate lines, voting for their darling, their gorgeous and oh-so talented girl?

We don’t know. All we know is that Grace is back. And she is back in time to celebrate her 21st birthday.

And her reward for making it to 21 is to spend 21 minutes in the actual Big Brother house.

And that means meeting the people more popular than her – including Aisleyne. And everyone else…

Posted: 12th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Big Twist

HOW many people can you get in the Big Brother house?

We ask because there is a rumour going around that on tomorrow night’s eviction the tables will be turned.

Anyone and everyone outside the compound will be put inside the compound, and those inside will all leave. The housemates will start watching us.

It will be just ace and should give the show the impetus it needs to carry on for another season.


Has Beens

That’ll teach Pete, Glyn and Aisleyne to be popular.

While their less popular housemates cavort in the house next door and get all the headlines, they are sat in the old house. They have no fun. They have nothing new. They have Gyny for company.

The house next door is the place to be. It’s where anybody who has designs on being a somebody is at.

Four of the six have journeyed to the outside world and they have tales to tell. They are all now mega-famous and sooo successful.

If they’ve not been opening local mini-marts, they’ve been appearing on local radio. It’s been just awesome. People stop them in the street just to touch the hems of their bikinis.

Lea has eyebrows made of a new prototype felt-tip pen (very hush-hush); Grace has been voted one of the most dislikeable people in the WORLD by one of Melton Mowbray’s leading websites, coming in above Euan Blair and below Hezbollah; Nikkkki has worn a pair of gold hotpants; and Mikey has spent the brief period between leaving the house and going back in at a HOTEL! In LONDON!!

Meanwhile, back in the main house, Aisleyne is feeling cheated (rightly), Pete is being nice and Glyn is being a nerd.

And Gyny. Well, she’s dreaming of stardom…

Posted: 11th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


An Imperfect Ten

There are now ten housemates in the Big Brother compound. TEN!. That’s the same number as were in the house when the first Big Brother began.

Now with just over a week to go until the end, there are ten housemates remaining.

Less is more. And more is so very much less.

And more of Grace, the charmless, grasping, sneery, wannabe, the Violet Elizabeth Bott who screams for attention has driven us over the edge.

We may not be able to get back the hours we invested in the show, but we can sue for our money.

Anyone who paid money to vote out anyone on the show should be refunded in full.

To petition for a refund you need to present proof that you voted on the show to ICSTIS, the premium-rate number phone regulator.

And an estimated 6million votes have been made. And at 50p a call that’ s £3milllon Big Brother owes its biggest fans.

So go for it. And even better, contact one of those ambulance chasing legal firms that advertise on daytime telly. Tell them that you want to sue Big Brother for wasting your time and ruining your enjoyment of a TV show.

Remember the promise, the verbal contract that secures your vote: “Who goes? Who stays? You decide.” It was a lie.

Now go and get your money back…

Posted: 10th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


It’s A Bit Ofcom

Gyny is assured of a place in the Big Brother final. And with Pete and Glyn seemingly safe, it means any two of Aisleyne, Richard and Imogen will be out on Friday.

Which will leave the final to be contested between Pete, Glyn, Gyny and Nikki.

And then Big Brother will tell us halfway through the final week that the winner is actually Bonn-eh, who was the first person to leave the house. Hurrah!

Allowing old housemates back in is not a very good idea. And it has not gone down too well with the great unwashed. More than 1,000 people have complained to media watchdog Ofcom about it. But is that a lot?

Ofcom received 19 complaints about Richard Dawkins’ anti-religion documentary The Root of All Evil?

Ofcom received 226 complaints about Jonathan Ross’s interview with David Cameron during which Wossy asked the Tory leader: “But did you or did you not have a w*** thinking ‘Margaret Thatcher’”?

More than 7,940 people complained to Ofcom before Jerry Springer: The Opera was shown on BBC Two, followed by a further 8,860 afterwards. Steven Green, from Christian Voice, said of the musical: "This is a show that portrays Jesus Christ as a sexual pervert, dressed in a nappy, who says he’s a little bit gay, an impotent old fool.”

A thousand disgruntled souls is not all that many. But the key thing is that none of the other shows invited the viewers to part with their cash.

But not to worry – the vote to get housemates back in will see all "profits" go to chari-dee. At the time of writing, a Big Brother drone tells us that “almost £150,000 has already been raised for charity from this vote alone".

So that’s all right then. So long as the needy will benefit – and the show and the phone operators can cover their costs – we can all dig deep and get voting.

Or we could all phone Ofcom instead and see if we can get our money back…

Posted: 9th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


No Money Back

“Vote your favourite ex-housemate into the house.”

That’s the invitation from Big Brother. And keen to accept we take up the phone. We’d like Jade back please. Jade Goody. Oh, and throw in that bald Brummie who played with Jade under the covers.

But – silly us – Big Brother means for us to vote for which contestant we liked best from THIS series. So we pick up the receiver and vote for Shahbaz.

But we can’t. His name is not on the list. So what about Bonn-eh? Or Dawn? Or Sezer?

No. No. And no. All three are forbidden from standing for re-election. Big Brother says there are “legal reasons” for this.

Which is fine. The letter of the law is all important. Rules are rules. What kind of game would it be without them?

So how about the rule that says you pay to vote for which contests you want out. The rule is – as we understand it – you vote via a telephone for which housemate you want to see evicted.

But now all the people who spent money voting out Nikkkkki and the rest will be undone by people who want to vote them back in.

This is surely cheating by Big Brother? You pay to see someone leave and then they ask you to pay again to let them back in. And whether you vote or not, four from ten will return. And one of those will make it back into the show for real.

So when one of them returns, can everyone who voted them out have their money back? Or will Big Brother just keep the lot, grabbing what it can before the viewers revolt and switch over?

Posted: 8th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Nothing

And so to the post-eviction interview with Davina, who addresses her special guest star in the manner of a care worker talking to a mentally negligible client.

Mikey went first.

Davina: You thought you’d be in till the end, why do you think you’re out now?

Mikey: Errrrrrm. I had a bad week this week. Errrrrrm. There’s lots of strong characters in there. I don’t know. Errrrrm. I’ve had a few arguments this week I suppose.

Goodbye Mikey. The only time we understood what you were saying was when you were on your way out. Tatty bye. Tatty bye.

And so it was Snoozie’s turn. Davina would have to earn her crust with this one. Something more than face pulling and shouting would be needed. Davina would have to dig very deep.

Davina: Why did you not do anything in there?

Snoozie: What did I have to do?

We at Anorak.co.uk were warming to Snoozie. It was a great question, and better than any of Davina’s.

Davina: I felt for someone who wanted it so bad, you have to embrace Big Brother by being daft and letting your hair down.

And therein lies the error of this series. It is all about manufacturing big moments. And the catalyst is always booze.

Big Brother thrives on the normal, letting the contestants do their thing, however dull. Remember how when the show began the idea of broadcasting footage of people sleeping was seen as daring? Here was Snoozie apparently in some kind of catatonic trance – what more leading edge TV than that? She had to do nothing. Nothing is what the show is all about.

Jerry Seinfeld: I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Davina: So why did you go in?

Snoozie: For the exposure, that’s all it was about.

Davina pulled a couple of faces. She seemed unsettled by this answer. She wanted more. But what more is there?

All the show has is expoeure. Snoozie has been exposed. And so has Big Brother…

Posted: 6th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Breasting The Tape

"BIG BRO £1.5M BETTING SCAM,” thunders the front page of the Star. “Punters pour cash on Mikey in 2hr frenzy.”

The result of this action is that the largely inactive Mikey Dalton is now odds-on to be given the boot tomorrow night.

We learn that just yesterday Mikey was a generous 6-1 to get the chop. The clear favourite was Snoozie, coming in at odds of 1-8.

At they time of writing, the other two nominees for eviction are Imogen (16-1) and Gyny (50-1).

It looks like a straight race to the sliding metal doors between Mikey and Snoozie.

Who will win? While Mikey has the greater rage in his long legs, inflatable Snoozie could expect to breast the tape with ease. Indeed, if Snoozie could extend her breasts to just shy of 100 meters (we don’t want the race to be over before it begins) she could yet be the fastest thing on two legs.

But our money is on Mikey. In 11 weeks of TV, Mikey has managed to make no impression on us at all. . Mikey is painfully dull, and speaks in the hectoring tones of a 1950s shop steward.

Send him on his way.

Or get a few mates together and stick your money on Gyny. She’s 50-1!


Ins & Outs

Goodbye Snoozie. Goodbye Mikey. One never spoke and one never said anything anyone understood. Goodbye yous two, as Mikey might say. This is how it is right (more Mikey), two housemates will leave tonight, right. And, this is how it is, Snoozie and Mikey are the favourites to go. Just like with Daryl Van Horne and Viral, these evictees will be forever linked, forced to spend their fleeting moments of fame together. Mikey and Snoozie. Snoozie and Mikey. Whichever way the billing goes they are unlikely to attract much interest. Better, perhaps, if Mikey stays and Imogen goes. Snoozie and Imogen are cut from similar cloth and could form some kind of kinky mother-and-daughter act. Perhaps Live TV would be interested in taking their show? And there is Gyny. The idea of Gyny leaving with Mickey is a nice one. They could embark on a Scouse romance, a Big Brother version of Brookside’s Damon and Debbie with subtitles. Or Mikey could stay and rekindle his wholly sexless romance with petulant Grace Adams-Short. She could be coming back into the house – as might Nikkkkki and any of the other housemates who have been evicted. So Nikkkki could be back. And the thousands of us who voted for the first time can get her out all over again. Or keep her in…

Posted: 5th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Might As Well Face It

For a moment she looked almost interesting.

Was Snoozie a rare breed of wannabe who had done much in life but did not care to shout about it? Had she been in Robert Palmer’s Addicted To Love video?

While Grace makes a song and a prancing kind of dance about her life’s achievements – going to ballet classes beyond the age of 12 – and Imogen celebrates being the eternal Miss Wales, Snoozie keeps quiet.

We look at her. And we thought that no-one can be so crushingly dull. Tea must be a euphemism for something more sinister. There are hidden depth beneath that shallow exterior.

And then up pops Julia Bolino to tell us that we are wrong. Snoozie is boring.

“Lots of people claim to have been in it,” says Julia, who did appear in Palmer’s video. “Susie definitely wasn’t.”

Ho-hum. Looks like Susize is just dull. Unless, of course, the rumours are true and she WAS the woman inside the Bungle costume on TV’s Rainbow? Or the face of the Test Card girl?

Posted: 4th, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Gercha!

WELL, I’ll be working hard to reach me target/ To earn a few bob for a day trip down to Margate…”
Ah, the old ‘uns are always the good ‘uns. And no-one was older than Chas & Dave, North London’s finest Cockney geysers, who were born with full beards and wearing granddad shirts.

“You can keep the costa Brava and all that palava…”

Big Brother is in Margate. And Imogen may soon be joining him there.

Imogen is up for eviction. And when she leaves the house Margate is as good a place as any to head for.

There are two theatres in the Kent seaside resort and chances are one will present a pantomime sometime soon – so long as Imogen can keep smiling she stands a more than decent chance of playing Aladdin.

Of course, she may not be going. Indeed, Imogen may be the only one staying. The automated Big Brother machine conked out after saying the word Imogen. It added an “and…” and then died.

So Imogen might be going? Or it might be the others who are up for the chop? Or they could all be safe. Or they could all be locked up forever.

Meanwhile, the rest of us can catch rockney Chas & Dave in Margate this September.

Posted: 3rd, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Entertainment On Hold

Whose is the voice on the end of other Big Brother automated telephony system?

Even Big Brother is no longer interested in this bunch of housemates and has left. The last eight are now controlled by a robot.

Aisleyne read out the words pinned to the Diary Room door: “Press one to leave a message, two to make a request, zero to leave the Diary Room.”

As the automated messing system says: “Welcome to automated Big Brother. Your visit may be recorded for training and security purposes. Big Brother is unavailable at present.”

The housemates will nominate using the automated system. But will it work?

Many of us have used such systems and been met with the sound of a voice asking us to press “the button”. We press the button.

“Please press the button?” says the voice.
We press the button.

“Please press the button,” says the voice.
We press the button.

“Please press the button,” says the voice.

We press another button to speak with a human. We are angry. The human (let’s call her JaYne) says she does not like our tone and hangs up. We slam the phone into a wall. We cry.

Which makes us wonder if the votes will be picked up properly? Or if housemates will think they have nominated but in truth just been ignored.

Big Brother is not there. And the housemates can remain in the house until he returns. Which may be never.

Oh, and that automated voice? Well it must be Davina’s – she’s been repeating the same old thing for an age…


“Yeah, the show has definitely suffered.” That’s what Dermot O’Leary has to say about Big Brother post Nikki.

“There’s something unbelievably endearing about the girl,” the show’s host goes on. “I don’t know why she was evicted.”

He doesn’t? While Nikkki dances in a London club and screams “The show’s over. I’m the winner”, we look at what’s left of the programme and try to understand.

And the conclusion is that, save for Pete, Richard and Aisleyne, no-one talks.

Did we vote for Nikkki (and who did?) because we thought she was monopolising the show? With Nikkki gone, the rest would flourish.

If this was the plan, it was wrong. Since Nikkki left, we have heard Mikey says “Yer see right” twice and smile 15 times; Glyn continue his impression of Peter Sellers in Goodness Gracious Me, albeit without the laughs; Snoozie almost open her mouth; Imogen open her mouth to show her smiley teeth; and Gyny frown twice, smile once and breathe.

For all of this bunch winning is the thing. They want that £100,000 first prize. And good luck to them. But we want action and entertainment.

Problem is that the reward for delivering that is to be nominated by your housemates and evicted. 

 

 

Posted: 2nd, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Same Old, Same Old

Jonathan. Viral. Daryl Van Horne. JaYne. And Gygny. Joining the show late is no easy thing.

Of the four new housemates who entered the house from the secret house, only Gyny remains.

Why? Perhaps Gyny is more interesting than the others who have left. But this is unlikely.

Gyny might well be one of the biggest laughs in her group of pals, tearing up Crewe and being something of the wag, and but in the house she is practically mute.

Gyny achieves nothing apart from making Imogen look almost lifelike.

Gyny’s biography says he is a “self-confessed bossy boots”. And: “Jennie loves to dance and spends her nights ‘shaking my booty’ into the wee, small hours.”

Gyny should not be so hard on herself – she is as bossy as a wet sponge. As for dancing, we all have her own style of movement and grace, but Gyny’s dance seems to consist almost entirely of sitting on her “booty” and smoking a fag. And that when she’s got a fag to smoke and is not moaning about not smoking a fag.

It is a dance that has great chance to catching on in rest homes for the elderly. The aged will sit in their droves and smoke fags.

Some may even add their twist to The Gyny dance and hum the opening bars to Amazing Grace or suck on a boiled sweet, clacking the sticky treat to their dentures in a syncopated rhythm reminiscent of Frankie Vaughn at the height of his powers.

Gyny has to go soon. And when she has left the house to a chorus of “Who’s that then?” and “Was she in the house?” we will be left with the original cast, and Snoozie and Aisleyne, who are both still there.

And we will wonder how it is that with weeks to plan a show and choose contestants, the producers felt inclined to feature eight new housemates?

And how only one of them – Aisleyne – is what can be termed Big Brother material?

Posted: 1st, August 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Sting

“I’m worth the money. People are realising now they’ve launched a star. I’m actually multi-talented.”

We won’t bother to get you ask who delivered those lines – it could be any one of the Big Brother housemates speaking.

We will just tell you is that they are the words of Shahbaz Chauhdry. The Mirror has called him up and wants to know what he will charge for a personal appearance in a Glasgow nightclub.

For two hours work, Shahbaz wants a grand. And he wants the money up front. “I have my own original songs I’d like to perform so I will need to do a soundcheck,” he goes on.

Shahbaz is talking to the Mirror’s reporter who is “armed with a list of fake events and a blank chequebook”. The Mirror’s reporter might not even be reporter at all but a work experience hack as desperate to get on as the targets of this sting.

Perhaps it is all meant to be deeply ironic. Here’s a piece about how former housemates think they are famous (Ha! Ha!) and expect people to pay to see them (Ha!). How sad is that? Good job a national newspaper exposed them for the no-marks they surely are (Ha!)

And Shahbaz is not alone. A call to Sezer Yurtseven discovered that he wants £2,000 to open a secondhand car dealership in Slough. Grace Adams-Short wants £1,500 to attend the launch of a singles night in London. She also wants £250 for personal security.

Lea Walker’s agent thinks £5,000 is a fair price for his client to open a beauty salon in Newcastle. “If it’s lunchtime or dinnertime then if you could have some food for her there so she doesn’t faint,” says the agent. “But nothing fancy, just some sandwiches and crisps would be fine.” The deal is negotiated. The fee is reduced to £1,000. But there is no movement on the crisps.

And it would cost £3,000 to hire Nikkki for your 18th birthday party. For three grand you get an hour of Nikkkki, including autographs, photographs and a question-and-answer session, with or without polygraphs.

Who would pay to get a load of that lot! And where do they get their ludicrous prices from? Tsk! It’s not like anyone sane would pay for an audience with any of that lot. Least of all a, er, tabloid newspaper…

Posted: 31st, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Seven And A Half Minutes Of Fame

His name’s Michael! Daryl Van Horne is called Michael. We know this because Davina shouted out that “MICHAEL!” was to leave the house.

There was a brief pause hear at Anorak Towers in which we wondered who the hell Michael was.

And then the hugging began and we saw that Michael was DVH.

And he was not going alone. Viral was off too. Or “SPIRAL!” as Davina announced.

There were hugs and there was much love in the house. But it was time to leave. DVH was taking his hideous stuffed cat and Viral was taking Celine Dion’s old tooth (the one he keeps in his mouth) out of the house.

Snoozie looked shocked. But then Snoozioe always looks a little surprised.

Snoozie’s face is bit like an inflated balloon. You can draw what you like on it and that’s the way it will be. Make the eyebrows high and Snoozie is surprised. Make them low and Snoozie is thinking.

Stick a pin in it and Snoozie goes wheeeee all the way to Drs Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s surgery for an implant; she returns even bigger than before, but with the exact same expression drawn across her face.

Snoozie was shocked because she had survived the public vote. It was DVH and Viral who would be going. Their fate is to share their week in the spotlight.

Davina says it is twice the fun with two evictees. But she is wrong. It is only half the allocated fifteen minutes of fame for each man.

We will forget Spiral and DVH twice as fast as we forget so many other BB contestants.

Posted: 30th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Lights Are On…

The fixed expression. The lyrics about the lights being on but there’s no-one at home. The swaying, not-really-dancing dance.

Remember Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love? And that video of the dark-haired vamps pretending to play instruments? Well, rumours are that the girl on the keyboard was none other than our Snoozie.

Can it be that Snoozie was once a backing model/signer for a popstar. We know about her pound-in-a-pint-glass dancing in London pubs but was she moving to the syncopated strains of Palmer’s biggest hit?

Posted: 29th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Terrible Sex

At Anorak we’ve been looking at Richard from all sorts of angles. And for the life of we can’t see how he came to consider himself a “sexual terrorist”.

It sounded exciting when Richard told us what he was. Sexual terrorism may even be what he did for a living.

Richard wore a glove with a sparkly ring over it. Only villains in Batman and Cruella de Ville ever did that. And he stuck his finger in the corner of his mouth like a coquette. Richard threatened a truly terrible sexual experience.

Even when we heard Richard was a waiter by trade, we imagined him being overly sexual at work, delivering the bill to table between the cleft of his buttocks and demanding a tip lest the shag the diners to within an inch of their lives.

But Richard is no terrorist. True, Daryl Van Horne has become upset by Richard referring to him as “she” and “her”. But it is fanciful to suppose this is a terrorist ploy to weaken DVH’s resolve to that he sleeps with Richard.

“Make it stop,” begs DVH. Richard peels back the covers on his bed and pats the mattress. “Nooooo!” screams DVH. “Oh, get her,” says Richard. DVH drags his body across the divide to Richard’s waiting bed. “You’re safe now,” says Richard.

The lights dim.

Posted: 28th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Simon Cowell’s New Talent

WANNA hear all about a 46-year-old and his 21-year-old lover? Put your food down first. Swallow. Ready?

It may be more than many of us can stomach, but the Mirror’s readership is made of strong stuff. And on the front page of that august organ we read news of the “SEX FACTOR” – “Simon Cowell’s midnight romp with model, 21.”

The Mirror looks on as “sneaky” Simon Cowell watches his “secret lover” leave his home after night of heavy auditioning.

The woman is called Jasmine Lennard. She’s a “socialite”. She is bisexual. She has been to the Priory rehab clinic. And she’s wearing a fur coat. It’s 81 degrees Fahrenheit. Why is she in the coat? Has Cowell’s touch turned her blood to ice?

Nothing of it. The Mirror somehow knows that having arrived at Cowell’s London mansion in said coat Jasmine soon took it off to reveal “sexy undies”, black ones.

There is more inside. “Hey, Simon do you fancy a quickie,” says the speech bubble emerging from Jasmine’s mouth. (Jasmine is now seen in a dress fashioned from two handkerchiefs and a couple of thin belts.) “Yeah..” says Simon’s bubble, “when I finally get my trousers off.”

But Simon is a performer well versed in the ways of showbiz and chances are his high-waisted strides feature a quick-release Velcro mechanism, a stage secret.

After an hour with Cowell, Jasmine leaves and the Mirror follows. It catches up with her the home of her mother, a former Bond Girl. “There’s absolutely no story at all. I’m not talking,” says Jasmine, er, talking. “Anything you want to ask you can call Max Clifford.”

Clifford is a leading PR agent. And we learn that Jasmine is a girl who has appeared on reality TV shows Make Me A Supermodel and Trust Me: I’m A Holiday Rep. We may yet hear more from Jasmine.

But for now we have to make do with a few words from Simon’s spokesman: “Simon has known Jasmine for some time. They had a meeting to discuss TV projects.”

Indeed. So look out for Celebrity Underwear and Knickers Idol on a TV near you anytime soon…

Posted: 28th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Nikki’s Simple Life

Nikki is the new Paris Hilton. No, scratch that. Nikki is the UK’s new answer to Paris Hilton – in much the same way that Holby City is the UK’s answer to ER, Robbie Williams is the UK’s answer to Justin Timberlake, and Chessington World of Adventures is the UK’s answer to Disney Land.

Nikki is to star in a new TV show in which she will perform proper jobs. Just like Paris Hilton in The Simple Life, Nikki will mingle with the real people, the reaple, as Anorak knows them.

As a model/dancer/reality TV star Nikkki will appear on our screens doing such humble jobs as collecting rubbish and cleaning. This is major step down for the woman whop was once employed as a, er, shop assistant at Harrods.

But Nikkkkki is now a star, and her hissy fits and strops mark her out as someone special.

Although the show might have to wait. Nikkkkkki could be re-entering the house – not to clean it but to star in it.

So sad and tired is the show, so devoid of characters, fun and entertainment that the Star says Nikkkkki could be on her way back in.

It’s been almost two weeks since Nikkkkkkki was evicted and in that time nothing has happened. Save for the raw excitement of breathing and sleeping, we have the housemates wash, eat and, er, did we mention the breathing?

Something is needed to enliven the moribund show. And that something might be Nikkkkkkkkki.

And it has happened before. Back in BB4, the show was so utterly awful that Jon Tickle, a geek, was voted back in by fans.

And if Nikki goes back in, she would get back with Pete. Incidentally, Nikki says Pete’s manhood is “the size of my leg” – which given the tiny size of Nikki may or not refute rumours that Pete is well endowed.

Whatever the size, feel the quality. Nikkkki just adores her Pete. “His mum and my mum have become good friends and they’ve gone out for meals together, so I’m clearly going to stay very good friends with Pete,” says Nikkkki. “

And, who knows, perhaps they can team up and Pete can be Nicole Richie to Nikki’s Paris Hilton. He’s about the right girth…

Posted: 27th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Double The Fun

SIX people are up for eviction. The mass cull that JaYne began continues.

But who will it be. Dimogen & Snoozie? Viral & Daryl Van Horne? Or Richard & Pete?

And think carefully. Whoever goes will be forever tethered to their co-reject. This is the cruellest of all cruel and unusual punishments for any wannabe celebrity.

They all want to be famous. But they are destined to stand not alone but with another. They will share an audience with Davina. They will enjoy their week of fame together. They will pose for pictures together. They will very possibly fall drunk and disorderly out of a taxi together.

So who will it be? Who do you dislike so much that you will ruin their chance of fame.

It can’t be Pete and Richard. Perhaps if Pete went the gay way the two could have a meaningful relationship. But Pete show no signs of interest in the self-styled “sexual terrorist”.

What about Viral & Daryl Van Horne? Their problem is that both are forgettable. As the invitation to the post-show party goes out, who will remember to send them one?

Big Brother Producer 1: Did you invite whathisname and the guy with Celine Dion’s old tooth?
BB Producer 2: No. I thought you did.
BB1: But I thought you did.
BB2: No matter. No-one will notice.

And there are Snoozie & Dimogen. Both are hungry for fame – Snoozie’s hungry enough to pretend to eat a £4,000-worth of KitKats.

But perhaps things will not go as we say? Rather then being reality TV’s answer to Hale & Pace, one of the two will rise up.

Perhaps one half of the double act will go on to achieve a lasting fame, leaving the other half bitter and doomed to appear on the other’s This Is Your Life and deliver an amusing anecdote from the time they were both starting out as equals.

So who will go?

Posted: 26th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Snoozie’s Twisted Knickers

"Okay guys, Susie has a question. Who has been trying on her underwear?"

Richard likes to ask questions. He likes to sit down on his buttocks in what looks like a yoga position of some kind and chat. Richard sits upright in an unnatural way. Only babies and men who have a poker up them sit so erect. And Richard is no baby.

To explain: Snoozie thinks her knickers have been tampered with. They have been tampered with. Mikey, Darly Van Horne and Viral have tampered with them. And, no, Snoozie was not wearing them at the time. Viral was.

"She’s not assuming, she’s just asking," went on Richard, who has habit of going on and on and on. Why Richard should be the mediator in the knicker scandal is open to debate, but we believe that as the self-styled voice of gay men he imagines himself a worldly-wise metrosexual and ideally placed to talk about knickers in a knowing and unbiased way.

But Richard could only go so far. And Snoozie stepped in to ask: "I’m curious to know what you were trying to achieve."

Viral said it had been "a joke". "Oh, it was a joke. Hahahahahaha," said Snoozie. "That was so funny…hilarious."

It wasn’t that funny. And it might be that Snoozie had found her warmed knickers and in the process of putting them on had somehow got them into a twist.

Look out for her sitting bolt upright, like Richard…

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Emergency Pete

PAGE 1 of the Big Brother survival handbook is unequivocal in its advice: “To relieve moments of tedium refer to Pete.”

JaYne has gone. Nikkkki has gone. Shahbaz has gone. Sexer has gone. Even Grace, the charmless one, has gone. But Pete remains. Pete talks. He jibbers and twitches. He is good telly. In times of tedium stick Pete on.

And so it is that whenever a housemate is evicted we see Pete.

After a week of trying to fill airtime with shots of Imogen trying to speak and Glyn trying to speak and Mikey trying to speak the producers pull the emergency chain and summon Pete.

Without Pete the house is full of dead ends. Has Gyny anything to say? Daryl Van Horne is less interesting then the stuffed cat he carries around with him – in much the same way a humourless sadsack wears a novelty tie, DVH uses his cat in a forlorn attempt to inject his personality with, well, personality.

It always has to be Pete. So we get Pete gurning at the camera. His nervous energy. His swearing.

Is this exploitation? Consider this. When watching the BBC’s coverage of the World Cup, Anorak.co.uk writer Ed Barrett look on as Steven Marchant (writer of TV’s The Office) and a dwarf dressed up as Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney, respectively.

They then began to do a dance, one of those football dances with lots of knee, elbow and chin.

Ooer. This was a tricky moment for the BBC. Should Gary Lineker, the Beeb’s lynchpin laugh? No such problems for pundit Ian Wright who was in danger of soiling the sofa. Wright said he loved those little people. He grabbed his belly and roared. His feet lifted from the ground. He wagged his feet.

Are we all Gary Linkers waiting to be told to laugh as Pete blurts out “w******s”, or do we ignore his illness and treat him as one of the others? Do we see the obvious and just enjoy it?

Why do we all like Pete?

Posted: 23rd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Goes Nuts In July

Perhaps she was deficient in vitamin D? Perhaps some kind of SAD syndrome can explain why Imogen has been routinely slow in thought and deed.

Whatever the explanation, the sun has come out and Imogen seems to have awoken. JaYne, expecting the usual doe-eyed and big vacuous toothy grin reply from Imogen, asked if the Welsh girl wanted pasta for breakfast.

“Pasta for breakfast, pasta for lunch, pasta for dinner, pasta for supper," said Imogen. What’s this? “Oooh, what shall we have for breakfast?,” asked Imogen. “What about a bit of pasta."

This was a Mike Leigh moment. Was Imogen about to start berating Lawrence (JaYne) and start referring to herself as Candice-Marie?

Well, no. This is Imogen, and a quip will not stretch to a Play for Today. And rather than develop a scene, she worked on the central gag. “Oooh, what about lunch… how about some pasta?" she went on.

"Ooooh, what shall we have for dinner?” she asked. “I know, pasta!” Imogen was now hitting her stride. "Oooooh, what’s for supper? Oooh a bit of pasta, dry pasta, with no sauce."

Ok. Ok, enough already. We get the joke. But the joke keeps coming. And like Keith in that Nuts In May tent, Imogen has hit upon something and doesn’t know when to stop…

Posted: 22nd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jade Goody Coaches Nikki

“NOW Nikki is out of the house I think she will do really well.” What, Jade Goody, better than she would have done had she stayed inside the Big Brother house and won that £100,000 top prize?

Jade thinks so. “She will get loads of offers to pose for men’s magazines because she has got a great body.”

But Jade urges caution. “I think she should avoid the glamour route, and that’s one of the things we will talk about.”

Yes, Jade is going to coach Nikkki in the art of making money from not winning Big Brother.

And there is money to be made in being lovable loser. To date, Jade, who finished fourth on the show, has made around £3.5 million. She has appeared on three subsequent reality TV shows, runs a beauty parlour called Ugly’s and recently pulled the stopper off her new range of perfumes, Eau De Kebab.

But there are limits. “There is only room for one Jordan,” says Jade, “and nobody is going to make as much money as her.” Indeed, there is only room for one Jordan, even if there are two Jordans attached to the slim frame of mo-del Katie Andre.

And given Nikkkki’s elfin dimensions it is unlikely she could be another Jordan and walk.

Posted: 22nd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Jobs For The Girls

JaYne is a recruitment consultant. For whom?

“’Harlo! JaYne ‘ere,” says JaYne on the phone to one of her clients. “I got me a candi-dert for that persishon. He’s rearlly great. Shall I sen’ ‘im over? Yeah? Go on then. Tara. Belerch!”

Would you employ anyone on JaYne’s recommendation? Bear in mind that JaYne thinks her own employment prospects are enhanced by appearing on TV looking uncooperative, difficult and not so bright.

Traffic warden? Good guess. And it is not overly hard to conjure up an image of JaYne laughing like a pregnant goat as your car is towed away.

Call centre employees? Good shout. JaYne is pretty much the identikit call centre fodder. There’s JaYne, toffee stuck in the corner of her mouth, telling you that the supervisor is busy and there is nothing more she can do. She signs off to each unsatisfied caller with a flat “Alright then. Bye”.

London Underground worker? Very good. There’s Jayne swaggering up to the ticket barrier, the baggy arse to her regulation trousers wafting behind. “When’s the next train,” a weary commuter asks. JaYne shrugs. And walks off.

We could go on guessing and guessing some more. But if you do work with JaYne please let us know which industry she recruits for.

And while we wait for that, if anyone would like to guess where JaYne finds staff for, they can send in their suggestions. Best one gets shortlisted for a job as a guard at any American airport…

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother’s Dickie v Thickie

JaYne you are the Weakest Link, goodbye. Or is it the missing link – the gap between the Big Bang and the Big Burp is but a brief break between JaYne’s feeding times.

Not that JaYne is definitely out. Up against Richard, she has some chance of staying. It is Dickie v Thickie.

This is the fourth time Richard has been put up for eviction and it could be his last. JaYne may well be 1-5 on with Ladbrokes for the chop, but we advise caution.

It’s all in the way they accepted their fate.

"I knew my name was coming…I knew it could be me," said Richard, taking it on the chin. Richard’s tactic is let everyone know he is up for the chop before his name is announced. This way he is in on the plot. Hey, it may even be clever ploy on his part. Nominated? I knew it. Clever me.

And now listen to JaYne. "I knew my name would be called!" said she. And: "I’ll be going on Friday. I know why people have done that. That’s nasty I think…I know why people are doing it, fair play. I hope I stay now."

JaYne was confused. Should she be all-knowing, like Richard, or angry? "I’m quite excited as it goes," she said, trying to affect and an air of carefree nonchalance. But it could not last. "F****** b******* stabbing me in the back!" she concluded.

So there it is. Do you want Richard to go, the man who knows all? Or do you want to see the pot-marked back of JaYne, who annoys everyone and spits food at them?

Now think about the vote…

Posted: 20th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Run Mikey! Run!

RUN Mikey! Run!

It’s no good, he might not understand what we’re saying. All we know how to say in the language of Mikey is “Calm Down!” and “This is how it is, right”, and this is not the time for either phrase.

As the Mirror reports, Mikey faces a grilling from the police.

While languishing in the sun, a strip of dental floss away from being totally nude, Aisleyne was affronted by Mikey. Approaching from the rear, Mikey bit her backside.

“We can confirm that we have received a complaint from a member of the public,” says a spokesman for Hertfordshire police. Which means detectives are “obliged” to question Mikey about his alleged offence.

In his defence, your honour, Mikey apologised. “Scorree,” he said. And Aisleyne made no complaint to Big Brother, nor did she complain of a pain in her backside. Indeed, she spent a portion of the day moaning “J’ai mal a la tete”.

But still the law is the law and we urge Mikey to run. And here is his chance. The producers have forgotten to lock the door from the garden to the “camera run”.

Mikey, Glyn and Daryl Van Horne all make a dash for freedom. They race along the tunnels behind the house’s mirrors. And they came across some cameramen having a snack.

On a starvation diet – a punishment for JaYne’s rule breaking (why has she not been kicked out?) – and not sated by Aisleyne’s backside, Mikey asks for food.

And then the voice of Big Brother tells them to get back inside the house. The escape bid has failed.

But there is always tomorrow. And if the lads do want to make a dash for it, can they take JaYne with them, and Snoozie and Spiral..?

Posted: 19th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment