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Celebrities

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Who Voted for Nikki?

CAN it be true that 37.7 per cent of us voted Nikkkkki out?

Of course, it can be argued that 62.3 of the electorate wanted Nikkki to stay. It might also be true that some callers accidentally voted for Nikkki, what with there being so many housemates up for eviction, mistakes could have been made.

It is true enough that only people who feel strongly about a contestant will vote. And with so much choice, Nikkki, whose ranting and raving hinted at personality, was doomed to attract attention.

Did any one of us feel strong enough to vote for Mikey’s removal. Imogen’s? Snoozie’s? Daryl Van Horne’s? The only one who could have competed with Nikkkkki was JaYne and she was safe.

So Nikkki is out and we are curious to know who voted for her. And it is Anorak.co.uk’s firm belief that no teenage girl did.

It is a bold statement. Given that teenage girls are the stereotypical Big Brother voter, it is contentious. But we believe it true. And we base out belief on observation.

The girls aboard the 73 bus to Stoke Newington, North London, were doing passable impressions of Nikkki and saying who much they “luv ‘er”.

The party of girls aboard the train from Waterloo to Southampton all did a Nikki with varying degrees of succ-CESS. They “lurve” Nikkki.

And the school party at the Welcome Break services on the M40 near Oxford loved Nikkkki soooo much.

So who voted for her? Tell us if you did. If anyof you did?

Posted: 18th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Why JaYne?

JaYne with a why? Why is JaYne there?

"I think JaYne is on a secret mission," said Spiral. A secret mission? JaYne? A secret mission to do what? Fill the house with toxic gas? Why would she want to do that? Why?

“She could be a mole,” suggested Snoozie. And so she could. And it is hard not to see the merits of JaYne living in a hole beneath ground. But a mole? Why?

“Something’s up. I smell a mole,” said Richard. Why? Might he be picking up the scent of drains? Or JaYne? Why a mole? Why?

"Are you a mole Jayne?" asked Glyn. Why is JaYne there? Why?

“I might be on a time limit, I might not be. If I’m not here in the morning, I’ve done my bit," said JaYne. But why?

"She’s talking in riddles I don’t understand," said Snoozie. Why is she doing that?

"I’ve been thrown in. I walk like a bulldog. Deal with it. You decide," said JaYne. But why? And why a bulldog? Why JaYne? Why?

Why is JaYne there? Does anyone know? Why?

Posted: 17th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Nikki Acts Up

IS Nikki an actress? The cardboard doors at the top of the Big Brother exit ramp were pulled back by a couple of willing crew members to reveal Nikkkki.

Her legs had frozen. Her arms had frozen The only part of Nikkki that had not frozen to the spot was her face, which twisted and contorted as if it were about to change into something else. We waited. What would become of Nikki’s face? Would it mutate into a plant pot? An umbrella? A small weeping willow?

And you can produce the same effect. Take a hairdryer. Plug it in and set the dial to “hurricane”. Then aim it at your face. See the skin ripple and the mouth hang open and gape for air. Voila! You are now Nikkki. And if the hot air can make your eyes water, so much the more authentic.

And then Nikki found her legs. Davina placed a hand on Nikki’s back and edged her forward. Now before the flashing cameras, Nikkki posed. And then she was in the chair. And there was Davina.

“Can I just say Jayne is the most lairiest person I have ever met. I love her and Pete till the end. She’s hilarious,” said Nikkki. No tremble in her voice. No hint of nerves. What had occurred in the ad break to ease Nikkki’s fears?

Davina: Do those tantrums work in the outside world?

Nikkkkki: “No I just make a point and it makes me feel better. I do it at train stations and people look at me.”

Aha! And perhaps even a Forsooth! Is it all an act, a method to gain attention, to get everyone to look at the half-sized person?

Davina: So you’re not acting?

Nikkkkkkkkkki: “No. It’s really bad. I look like a demented God-knows-what. I’m surprised I’m not being straightjacketed up and wheelchaired off.”

So Nikkki is a victim? Her behaviour is as debilitating as Pete’s Tourette’s, a spasm over which she has no control.

And then she said: “Why do I have to come out now? It’s such a shame. It’s my own fault.”

Yes, her own fault. That makes her behaviour appear a little deliberate. Are her strops are an act?

And if they are, Nikki should be optimistic about her future. Why, isn’t she the ideal candidate to be the new Sam Mitchell in EastEnders.

You heard it here first…

Posted: 16th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother’s JaYne

AND then…a thought.

JaYne is revolting. This much we know for sure. She’s like a Dickens caricature made so much flesh, blood and gas. A kind of Mrs Gamp meets Mr Bumble.

If William Hogarth were around today, he’d have transposed JaYne’s face onto that of the dissolute wench in his picture of Gin Lane.

The only difference is that the entire scene would be pebble dashed in the bits of food that spatter from Jayne’s mouth like enemy ack-ack fire.

All true, undeniable so. But none of it any part of the thought that struck we at Anorak.co.uk. Our thought is simply that this week’s eviction has been devised to keep JaYne in the house.

Who among the housemates would not have nominated the old food-spitter? Who at home would not have picked up their phone and dialled for JaYne’s removal? None.

But JaYne is memorable – more memorable than her other news housemates, Gyny, Viral and Daryl Van Horne.

So JaYne must stay, at least for one more week. Then she can return to the pebble-dashed home from whence she came.

Posted: 15th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Daryl Van Horne

“Everyone is fighting for the limelight ‘cos they think it is going to be their only week in the House. It is draining the s*** out of me."

We had never thought of JaYne as a colonic irrigation device. But Nikkki has. That’s what Nikkkkki has to say about JaYne, and to the other new housemates whose names keep escaping us.

It’s like the Witches of Eastwick when the three witches tell each other the name of the Jack Nicholson character. For some reason Daryl Van Horne is a name that does not linger in their memory.

A writer here at Anorak.co.uk Towers assures us that he was at school with a German lad called Helmut Hertz. And, like Daryl Van Horne, that’s not a name you should easily forget.

But you can forget. And so it is with the new housemates. JaYne we know. Her name sticks to the brain like soiled toilet paper to a pair of high heels.

And we do occasionally remember the name Spiral. It too can stick. But we should not dwell on it for too long because our bet is that Spiral is about to be shown the door.

And then there’s that woman who was brought in to translate what Mikey’s been saying for the past seven weeks? But she went native, and now sounds even worse than Mikey. As far as we can tell her name is “Gyny”.

And then there’s the other one, the northern chap who looks a bit like Pete from the back and Spiral from the front. It’s his name that troubles us.

Rumours are that he’s called Daryl. But we can’t be sure. Someone said he is called Helmut and that he dreams in German.

But we can’t be sure…

Posted: 14th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


More Questions In The House

“I want programme makers Endemol to explain themselves.”

So says Tony Cunningham MP. As Tony’s website says: “MPs don’t come any more local than Tony Cunningham."

But that is not to say he cannot wrestle with the bigger issues, and if that means asking questions about Big Brother, then so be it. He will not flinch in his duty to be local.

“There is a genuine and realistic case here of the general public being duped,” says the MP for the Workington constituency. “The way in which Jonathan was evicted was very stange.”

Jonathan is one of Tony’s constituents, a voter even. And Tony is fighting for the right for the nightclub bouncer – who once danced with Five Star! – to become one of Workington’s top half dozen celebrities.

Jonathan, who is now back working as a doorman in Newcastle, smells a rat. “I could swear on a stack of Bibles that everyone behind the scnes knew I was on my way out, yet there was all this mock hysteria when it happened.”

He goes on: “Before I went on the show I belived it was an honest, random programme which was controlled largley by the public vote. I now know from first hand experience it is completely stage managed.”

Not that Jonathan is bitter about being the first Big Brother contestant to leave the house and be confronted only by the night sky, a few crew members and the defending sound of silence.

But, looking at the positives, at least he wasn’t booed and was spared that cringworthy audience with Davina, who greets everyone like she’s their care worker.

And he may yet be famous. Well, it could be he who indirectly brings about the end of the show…

Posted: 13th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


JaYne’s PaYne

IT is the chance we’ve been waiting for. Finally, the people will decide. With the exception of JaYne, all the housemates are up for eviction.

JaYne has been caught telling the housemates how they are perceived by the outside world. Her punishment is to see all the other housemates put up for the chop.

“Can I face it instead of them? I’ll nominate one other person," begged JaYne. But it was not to be. "I’m so sorry, everybody, I will make you tea the whole week," said JaYne to her housemates. She should note that making Snoozie tea will leave room for little else.

But JaYne need not be afraid. Against all the odds, Big Brother has made us quite like JaYne. Sure, she is foul of mouth and habit but she has given us the chance to cleanse the house of whoever we like.

And it might even be a double eviction. There are six weeks left. There are 12 housemates. Something has to give.

And the smart money is on Snoozie leaving and either Spiral or Imogen following very soon after.

Snoozie’s case is not helped by the story that she has been groomed for the show by Max Clifford, the PR agent.

Says Max: “I do know Susie. I have known her and her husband Cosmo for a number of years…I did look after her before she went on Big Brother.”

So Snoozie has been coached. And, thanks to JaYne, she will soon to be bussed out.

Posted: 12th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Take It Away…Peter Andre

Remember when Lea observed: "He’s really expressionate when he’s talking to her”? No?

Ok, let’s do this in little steps. Do you remember Lea? Do you remember that walking mountain range? You do. Well, it was called Lea, and one day, in between sobs, Lea used the word “expressionate”.

We like it when reality TV stars make up words. Better still if they do as Peter Andre did and turn them into a pop song (“Ageing will reverse Cloning will diverse).

Andre’s Insania, as history shows, proved to be a monster hit, spawning a made-for-TV movie, plastic action figures and a fairytale wedding in which a pumpkins-shaped bride married a man with a church mouse stuffed down his trousers. Or we could be mistaken.

Nonetheless, we know for sure that expressionate is set for the big time. Just get a load of Nikkkki, a woman who not so much talks as throws words up. Listen in as she says: “I didn’t mean to make a face… I’m very expressional. You didn’t give me any reason… I don’t have any amniosity feelings towards you."

Yes, not only did Nikkki deliver a working example of the word “expressionate” but threw in (and up) her own neologism, the fragrant “amniosity”.

And now we urge Nikkki to turn this word into song. And this being Nikkki, the tune should be a mournful yet screechy dirge, a kind of Gregorian chanter meets Violet Elizabeth Bott. Think Cliff Richard on PCP.

An we know just the man to produce it. Take it away Peter Andre… “Where are we going (does anyone care)? I can see amninosity in my underwear…”

Posted: 11th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Irates of the Crazy BB7

“Naughty Nikki gave her lover a real electric shock when she dragged him into a meter cupboard and flicked all his switches.”

You want more? You sure you can handle more? OK. OK already. “Sparks flew as the turned-on BB babe ripped off her ballgown and made Gavin Mumby an offer he couldn’t re-fuse in a hotel’s power centre.”

Gavin was, naturally, in his “element”. And so it goes on. There was much bonding and the pair with energy to burn did watt-not with the lights out.

But before we get too carried away, and get to the depth of discharge, we must learn the facts. Gavin is in the News of the World telling the world about his night of passion with Nikki.

“She was fantastic, a real handful.” says Gavin, who wears a dark suit over a white shirt which for reasons as yet unspecified remains unbuttoned. “She was like a girl possessed.”

Too true. Who has not looked at Nikkkkkki in her Diary Room breakdowns and not seen her inner Linda Blair? Possessed is an apt word for Nikkki. But a handful? How big are Gavin’s hands? Very small, we’d wager.

But back to the night of magic. It was the Harrods Christmas do at the Grosvenor House hotel – both “live wire” Nikki and Gavin worked at the London store.

Gavin is keen to point out that Nikki’s not a slapper or anything”, and that she flirted a lot and was “hanging out of her dress”.

Then they made it to the meter cupboard. She stripped down to her heels and knickers, and helped Gavin out of his suit (that’s cleaned up the suit issue).

And then there was so much flowing current and electricity. Resistance was futile. It was the power of love. Nikki did a volt face and…

Enough..?

Posted: 10th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Et Voila!

NIKKI’S personal hygiene is causing no little concern. Last night we looked on as she sobbed in the Diary Room.

Producing two white tissues, Nikkkki rubbed them on her eyes. Correction: she rubbed one tissue on one eye and one tissue on the other eye. This was synchronised eye rubbing.

Impressed. We defy you not to be. And how did Nikki top this? By removing the tissues from her eyes and shoving one up either nostril.

Ever the showman, Nikki paused. Would she be unable to pull out the tissues, having somehow knotted them together in the upper reaches of her nose?

No. Both tissues re-emerged. But – and here’s the clever bit – Nikki had sacrificed the easy knotted tissue trick for something better.

The sucker effect was complete when Nikki returned the tissues to her eyes. And wiped them.

Et voila! We were aghast, revolted and astounded all in one twist of her dextrous – and snotty – fingers.

Look out for Nikki‘s next stupendous move – when the tissues end up in the toilet. Now you see them – now you don’t want to…

Posted: 9th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


All The Number Twos

A confession. I have now referred to the official Big Brother website and various other sources seven times to find out the names of the new housemates.

Admittedly, it should not be too taxing to recall four names. They are all ordinary English names. But there you have it.

I can tell you that Horacio Elizondo was the referee who sent Wayne Rooney off for warming his metatarsal in the crotch of Alberto Ricardo Carvalho.

That South Korea’s Park Ji-sung scored a goal that cancelled out an earlier strike by France’s Thierry Henry. And that Togo’s coach Otto Pfister had the impossible job.

But other than JaYne ‘with a Why’, I am having trouble. Is it because there are so many housemates? To date there have been 22 housemates.

Can you name them all?

Remember Dawn? She went on hunger strike. Is she still on hunger strike? Has anyone noticed?

And Shahbaz? What of the mincing loon? And George? And Sam? And Imogen? Is Imogen still in the house? What about all those KitKats and Snoozie? And Bonn-eh?

Do you remember Bonn-eh? Does Bonn-eh remember being in the house? Could I have made Bonn-eh up? And, if so, why did I bother?

But research has been done. And the new housemates are: JaYne, Pile, Pennie and… and…

Ahh! At least Pete’s still there…

Posted: 8th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Best Left Alone

"PEOPLE with left hand is very intelligent."

Nikkkki said that. And d’yer know what? Go on, guess. Even if you’re a painfully thick right-handed dunce, give it your best shot. Yes, that’s it. Nikki is left-handed.

So clever is Nikki that she has taken to speaking in a fractured kind of English, a language style only previously heard when a Hollywood ‘Red Man’ was talking to John “heap big cattle rancher”. Nikki only using words necessary communicate.

Of course Richard had to turn this into a conversation. "What do you use?" he asked, looking every inch the coconut waiting to be shied.

"Left-handed," said Nikki, grasping the full thorn of the question in the manner of a typically gifted left-hander. "What do you use?" she asked. "Right, said Richard, “so I’m less intelligent.”

Right. And Right. Congratulations to Richard. He’s not a dense as his right-handedness leads us to believe.

Buoyed by that, Nikkkki asked the house: "Who’s left-handed?"

"I am," said Lea. "I do know this." As a left hander, Lea would know that. And we’d like to ask her why it is she has seemingly felt-tipped her eyebrows on with her right hand. Is she empathising with Richard? Or was her left hand busy doing sums and other brainy stuff?

"Are you left-handed? Isn’t that a fact? Susie, are you left-handed? Left-handed people are more intelligent," Nikki went on, her language developing into something more robotic. Snoozie looked like she was thinking. But it was probably her make-up bedding in. "I am," she said.

"Well, there you are," said Nikki. "We’re all more intelligent."

Indeed, left-handers are bursting with intelligence. So much brain do left-handers have that they need to find extra space to store it in.

Which explains why Lea, Nikkkki and Snoozie all have enlarged chests. To help them think.

Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Whispering Grass

WE have now watched Imogen for seven weeks. And we have kept a tally of her contributions to date.

We cannot be precise, but the following figures are based on some solid guess word and some other things less certain.

Over the better part of two months, we have seen Imogen kiss (three times), fondle (twice), smile inanely in a broad and obvious way (thirty five times) and speak (forty two times).

Over the same period to time we have been observing the movements and behavioural patterns of a patch of grass on the inner quadrant at Anorak.co.uk Towers.

And to compare, the grass has been: trodden on (seven times), rained on (twenty times) and frotted by a passing cat (once). It has also grown (constantly).

In the interests of better science, we have painted a corner of Old Mr Anorak’s ‘Wednesday’ office and are studying how the paint dries. Results of this experiment will follow.

And then Imogen spoke.

There now follows Imogen’s words in context.

Lea, speaking of JaYne: "She knows who has nominated. She knows everything about us. And she says it should be all fun, fun, fun. It can’t be! We’ve been here for seven weeks!”

Lea is right. If there is one undeniable truth it is that this Big Brother has not been about fun all the time – or any of the time.

Lea: "I know she’s only just got here, but we can’t be 24-hour partying. Some days we want to chill. Yesterday she said she wanted to get eggs and splat them on people’s heads to see what would happen."

And then Imogen spoke.

Imogen: "No f****** way. Eggs are a luxury!"

Big points to Imogen. As yet, we have not heard the grass say that. Nor the paint…

Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Sink Or Swim

IN walks Jayne ‘With a ‘Why?’. The old house has a new housemate.

Not that the old heads weren’t expecting something. The Big Brother houses have been built to a specification usually reserved for starter homes on the outskirts of provincial towns.

The walls are thin. You can hear through them. If you were to shine a bright light at the dividers, you could probably see through to the other side. They are thin. No, wait, Nikkki is thin – the walls are emaciated. And they have better table manners.

So here comes Jayne ‘With a Why’. And the screaming begins. And the new housemates hear it. And they know that whoever Aisleyne selects for eviction goes into the old house.

What to do? Aisleyne says that whatever she has to do, she can’t do?

Meanwhile Nikkki says that Jayne ‘With a Y’ is “so nice”. She is “so normal”. You suppose that being nice and normal to Nikki are just about the worst things anyone can be, short of being a brunette or not having a fake tan.

Though it is hard to believe JaYne is that nice. “Jayne will probably tell the new housemates when they’re being boring. If they’re around the pool, she will probably push them in, she’s a bit of a daredevil," says her aunt Christine.

“JaYne isn’t a lady, Susie will look down on her. She’s not ladylike, she can be a tomboy."

So JaYne might push Snoozie in. And Snoozie will most likely float and bob about a bit. She’s unsinkable is Snoozie.

Unlike JaYne, who started out by asking the housemates which of them did not like Aisleyne. Only Nikkkki raised her hand.

JaYne then got on Mikey’s shoulders for a fight in the pool. Mickey buckled. JaYne fell in. She waved. When she waves a couple more times, we’ll let you know…

Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jayne With A ‘Why?’

Jayne is out. Well, out of the new house and into the new house.

There she may well behave like she did in the new house. She may well be loud and break her bed. She may still be from Slough – surely that is something that never leaves you.

Her eviction was down to Aisleyne. “I don’t wanna do it… I feel sick…" said Aisleyne. "I don’t know, I don’t know.” Only she had to do it.

"Hang on a second," Jonathan shouted. "You must evict someone… It might be into the House next door."

Aisleyne wasn’t listening. Had she been, she would have selected Jonathan. He had sensed the mood of the game correctly and would have been less inclined to go to the old house and badmouth Aisleyne.

But Aisleyne had made her mind up. Jayne had to go. So she did.

"F*** her," Jayne spat.

It was a bitchy and foulmouthed response. It was just the kind of thing that will see Jayne accepted in the old house.

Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Celebrity Big Brother 5

Is Aisleyne’s new house like Celebrity Big Brother?

Is Aisleyne the Michael Barrymore of the group and the rest, the unknowns, a bunch of Chantelle Houghtons?

So successful was Celebrity Big Brother that we can’t blame the producers for trying to bring some of its undoubted magic to its normal show.

Aislyene is only an embryonic celebrity, but she is every bit as famous as CBB’s Pete Burns. Who was Preston when he arrived in the house? What was Maggot?

So Aisleyne is the celebrity and the rest are the Chantelles.

Which leads us to wonder what will become of Aisleyne? She won’t win the show. She can’t. A Chantelle will win. We like the underdog and Aislyene is now too well known.

And if she does not win – and she won’t – what will become of Aisleyne? And while you ponder that, ask yourself what became of Faria Alam? And Jodie Marsh?

Posted: 3rd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Five Star

Let’s go through the keyhole and take a look at the new housemates.

Jonathan is a bisexual bouncer from Keswick, Cumbria. He says he is “too sexual at times”. He is “energetic, horny and comical”. Claim to fame: “I danced with Five Star at Butlins in Skegness three years ago. I was better.” (Not danced TO Five Star.) Fame is his for the taking.

Jayne is from Slough. She’s a fan of Big Brother. “Live it, breathe it, sleep it, eat it, want it for breakfast.” As we say, Jayne is from Slough. Escapism is her thing.

Michael is a gay former pole dancer. He’s from Oldham. He may just be the only gay former pole dancer to have lived in the Lancashire town.

Jennie is 18. She looks much older. She’s a Scouser. She is fluent in Turkish and French. She could translate what Mikey is saying.

And there’s Spiral. He’s a rapper from Dublin. Really. We do not make this up. He says you don’t need to drink to have a good time”. No, but in Big Brother it helps.

Meanwhile back in the original house (remember it?) things were much as ever they were: dull.

Maybe we could just leave them there and start again? Would anyone notice if we never saw any of that bunch again? You know, Pete and, er, umm…

Posted: 2nd, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Testing Testing

Tonight Aisleyne will surely go into the house next door, and Snoozie will go to sit on a chair before Davina and tell us about life in the Big Brother houzzzzz…

It is pretty obvious to all that having removed the most interesting housemates – Sezer, Grace, Shahbaz – the house is now full of crashing bores. Who would not swap pretty vacant Imogen for Grace, dull Glyn for Shahbaz and mute Mikey for Sezer?

We at Anorak have mapped Snoozie’s features onto a chart and comparing them with some TV stars of old note that her face is less mobile than the Test Card F girl who used to fill the gap between episodes of Pebble Mill.

TV viewers of a certain vintage will remember the girl, Carole Hersee, wearing an Alice-band and locked in eternal nought-and-crosses combat with a terrifying stuffed clown.

Recalling it causes us to wonder how original Big Brother is. If young Carole could have just written “W*****s” on the blackboard instead an “X”, she’d now be as famous as Pete or Jade Goody.

But at least the mistakes of the past have been noted and they will not happen again. Why? Because when Aisleyne moves next door she will be given the chance to evict the new housemate she likes the least.

But they will not leave. No. The reject will simply take Aisleyne’s place in the original house. This will ensure that the most annoying, antagonist wannabe will remain on our screens. And for that we are grateful.

This trick will go on until at last two or three of the new housemates have moved into the new house. And then Aisleyne will return to old house at the end of the week. And there will be much wailing and beating of chests.

And what of these new housemates? Well, they are likely to be single mum Jayne Kitt, Liverpudlian Jenny Parker and twins Andrew and Marcus.

Of course we won’t know until tonight. And so long as Snoozie doesn’t put us all into deep sleep we should be able to see them entering the house.

If you are worried about nodding off into a Snoozie-induced coma, try to remain awake by sitting on a hard wooden chair and playing nought-and-crosses with a stuffed toy…

Posted: 1st, July 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Some (Optic) Nerve

“BIG BRO LEA IS SECRET ALKY,” screams the front page of the Star and we are shocked.

Lea drinks a bottle of “cheap” vodka every day. But – get this – any talk of her addiction has been airbrushed out of the show.

Incredible as it seems, viewers are not getting the full picture of life in the house.

Of course, this is no big news. The show is heavily edited.

Editing is what makes Glyn look even slightly interesting? Editing enables us to hear Mikey actually speak. Editing has helped make this house the bitchiest ever.

And editing has cured Lea of her alcohol problem. Says a source: “During the show Lea has been talking about how she drinks a bottle of Tesco home brand vodka a day – and even proudly announced it cost only £4.74 a bottle.”

But this confession has never been broadcast. It has joined all those other bits of Lea on the cutting room floor.

But there is a problem with this news. If Lea is an “alky”, as the Star puts it with a rare sensitivity, where is she getting the booze from?

Does she have a stash of vodka under her bed? Are her breasts full of the stuff, her nipples acting as optics – right nipple for neat vodka, left nipple for more vodka with a twist of lemon?

And if so, where does she keep the mixers?

Posted: 30th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Erasing Eyebrows

Aisleyne has fallen out with her on-screen mum Lea.

“I think she’s evil for crying all the time, making people sorry for her," says Aisleyne.

Bus Aisleyne should not be so hard faced (she’s no Snoozie with those rigid features). Lea might be playing the game, but in crying she has helped clear up something that has been bothering us here at Anorak.

We are now pretty certain that Lea’s eyebrows are drawn on with a kind of indelible ink. We had believed them to be the product of a felt-tip pen, but now think Lea invested in something more technologically advanced.

We also note that Lea’s tan has not run during her teary moments. And that is good. We suspect that Lea has been painted with an orange dye and then varnished.

Though she looks far older than her 35 years (we have seen the birth certificate and she really is as she claims), Lea will not age.

So long as she takes care not to chip her outermost sealant, she should look 49 well into her sixties and seventies.

Posted: 30th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Keeping Up With The Neighbours

Aisleyne or Snoozie?

Who goes? Who moves next door? Who doesn’t already know?

Aisleyne may have teeth only previously seen biting into bright green apples on averts for denture fixatives and a name that sounds like a cure for mouth ulcers, but she is moderately likeable.

Snoozie is sure to go. And when she is gone it will be like she was never there. All that will remain of Snoozie will be two odd sized divots in the garden.

The mystery is where Aisleyne will end up. We know there is a house next door. But what kind of house is it? Remember the Big Brother Bedsit with Michelle Bass watching the house on TV?

Or last year’s Secret Garden with Eugene, Orlaith and Kinga?

Looking at the picture, it seems the new house will have a garden, which means the old housemates and new housemates will be able to hear each other.

The new housemates will be able to tell the old ones just how dull they are. That Lea is really Tamara Beckwith’s missing twin. That Richard is really called Trevor. That Pete is going to win.

Unless, of course, they haven’t been watching the show? And they been far away in Australia. You heard it here first…

Posted: 29th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Dai Beckham

While Mikey celebrated England beating Ecuador 1-0 – security guards listening to the game on their radios had told him the score (or had they?) – Beckham threw up over the pitch.

And – yes! – that’s right. It was only hours earlier that Glyn had been seen redecorating the house in a technicolour rainbow of sick.

How long will it be before Becks starts talking in Welsh and asking people if they “know what I mean”? Not very, we’d wager…

Posted: 28th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Metal Nikki

What’s that under Nikki’s bed?

No, not the mass of hair and knickers, that other thing. No, not the bottle of beer she snaffled from Glyn, something else.

Yes, that round thing. What is it? A dropping of some sort? No. It’s a fig? And not just one fig but a whole stash of the seedy fruits.

“I’m very concerned,” says Nikkkki’s mum. “Nutritionist and GP Dr Rosemary Leonard says Nikkkkkkkki needs to come out of that house “right now”.

It seems that figs are nature’s laxatives. And Nikki has had issues with her weight. Might it be that these fruits are helping Nikkkki to stay slim, not allowing any foodstuffs to remain in her body long enough to cause her to gain weight?

The fear is just that.

But we who have watched Nikki over the past month and more have another comment to make on her eating habits. Why is it when Nikki eats, she tries to take in not just the food but the cutlery on which it is served?

When Nikki eats with a fork, you can hear her teeth jar on the metal. This is either a woman not well practised in the ways of eating, or one who likes the taste of metal.

And so too last night. We gasped as Nikki ate a huge tub of yoghurt – while standing up and talking – and appeared to savour the spoon every bit as much as she did the cheesy goo.

Is Nikkki a metallophile? And if she is, does it explain why she loves the camera so much – it being made of metal and all. And, if so, will she try and eat it?

Posted: 27th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Four & Five

It’s just no good. No amount of careful editing can make this bunch appealing. Take Pete out of the house and you have the dullest bunch of wannabes since Big Brother 4.

Back then, Cameron was the winner. This year, efforts are being made to make Glyn appear interesting.

Indeed, Glyn and Cameron share many common attributes – both come from isolated parts of the country (Glyn from somewhere in darkest Wales; Cameron from a remote part of Scotland); both are sexual innocents; both possess less charisma than canned tuna. Or Bonn-eh.

And when we look we note more similarities between then and now. Remember Scott, the boring Scouser. Now see Mikey.

And there was Tania. She’d slept with a professional footballer. Now we have Imogen, who has, apparently, slept with three of that breed.

And tarty Anouska, who wore hardly any clothes and wanted to have loadsa sex? And Lea, who may well have had more sex than Anouska but craves more.

And Justine, who no-one can remember. And this year’s Dawn, although they say smell is the thing that remains the memory the longest, so we may well be wrong on this point.

And Lisa Jeynes, who may have been a man that dressed like a woman. And Sam, who may have been a man who dressed like a woman.

But things are to change. There are to be five new housemates. They will move in next door to the current bunch in a separate house.

On Monday, two people will be up for eviction. One will leave. And one will go to the new house. There, they will joined by the new housemates.

And so long as the arrivals are not called Scott, Cameron, Tania, Anouska and Lisa, things should go well…

Posted: 26th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Mikey Is Sahin

At last the truth is ours. And we owe Mikey an apology.

The front page of today’s Star newspaper reveals that Mikey is impossible to understand because he is speaking Farsi.

“He’s Iranian not Scouse,” says the headline. “His real name is Sahin.” And, in case you were in any doubt, “he’s never been a model”.

Mikey Dalton’s given name is Sahin Hamadani. The Star tells its readers that this name means Falcon in Farsi.

The paper also says that Mikey’s mum is English and called Jean. His dad is called Mostafa. He changed his name – using his mum’s maiden name – to avoid being picked on at school.

It was a cunning plan. And it might have worked had Mikey remembered to speak English in the house. But he did not.

But needs must and now armed with an English-Farsi dictionary (Liverpool edition) we set about translating Mikey’s output thus far.

But the lexicon is not up to date and if anyone out these can translate “ÑæäÇáÏæ ãåÇÌã like ˜åäå ˜ÇÑ er ÈÑÒíá reat ÈÇáÇÎÑå ÏÑ like ÈÇÒی ÈÇ yooonowŽÇä ÏÑÎÔíÏ like æ Ïæ á Èå ËãÑ” into English then please get in touch.

Posted: 25th, June 2006 | In: Celebrities | Comment