Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 407

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Old News

‘HAVE I Got News For You is lucky in the regard that there is always fresh material to poke fun at.

‘Whose line is it anyway?’

The last series, however, foundered after keeper of scores Angus Deayton was exposed as being every bit as depraved as the people the show lampoons, and sacked.

The skill with Deayton was not that he was funny or especially witty but that he was a good enough performer to be relied upon to act funny and read an autocue.

The likes of Jeremy Clarkson, Anne Robinson and Boris Johnson all had goes at filling Deayton’s shoes and all (with the unwitting exception of Johnson) failed to impress.

As the official BBC website says: ”He is still sorely missed, and will be for a long time.”

So to the new series, which starts on BBC1 at 9:30 tonight, and the question of who will be the foil for Paul Merton and Ian Hislop’s barbs?

At the time of writing we have been unable to find out, a situation that might owe less to secrecy and more to the fact that the Beeb is still hunting for somehow who might want the job.

Perhaps the time to bring Deayton back has come? Or for the show to be finally laid to rest?’

Posted: 17th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Former Glory

‘FOR those of you who can remember the original Superstars, tonight’s line-up in the remake of the old Seventies/Eighties classic might seem a bit lame.

‘I’d love it if ‘e fell off ‘is bike!’

After all, the word “former” appears quite a lot on the biographies of the contestants – former world hurdles champion Colin Jackson, former Olympic rowers Greg and Johnny Searle, former England rugby captain Phil De Glanville, former England full-back Stuart Pearce…

But we have to accept that the days when the country’s top sportsmen would willingly risk injury for the sake of a few quid on a TV gameshow are long gone.

Those of us who remember Kevin Keegan crashing off his bike at high speed and being hospitalised the day after playing a game can only laugh at the reaction of, say, Sir Alex Ferguson were Ryan Giggs to suffer a similar fate.

So, we won’t get the modern day equivalents of James Hunt or Brian Jacks or John Conteh, but the line-up of 50-odd former stars over the next few weeks is still quite impressive.

Johnny Vaughan and Suzi Perry are the hosts.’

Posted: 16th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Miner Achievement

‘MICHAEL Portillo will never become Prime Minster of this fair land because of one simple truth. No, it’s not because he’s a Tory. And it’s not because he’s called Michael, like Barrymore and Jackson. It’s because his name ends in the letter ‘o’.

‘The surgery worked!’

But it is fun watching Portillo trying to overcome this handicap and be popular. And tonight the charm offensive takes our man in the nice suit to the Miner household on Merseyside for When Michael Portillo Became A Single Mum.

This show does not do exactly what it says on the tin. Portillo has not undergone some sort of rapid change facilitated by modern surgical techniques or even tried to woo the transvestite vote and pulled on a corset and tights – well, none that are visible.

He’s simply taken over the running of the household of a genuine single mum called Jenny.

For one week, Portillo has to hold down Jenny’s two jobs, as a classroom assistant and a supermarket shelf-stacker, and look after Jenny’s four rowdy children.

On BBC2 at 9pm you can see how he copes in this living Hell. Or El, as the man of Spanish extraction might put it. Cheeri-o.’

Posted: 15th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Becks Files

‘AS if David and Victoria Beckham hadn’t had enough publicity over the past few years, tonight sees the first part of a three-part documentary called The Posh And Becks Years.

‘Is there anybody out there?’

Its stated aim is to explore the cultural phenomenon that is Britain’s most famous celebrity couple – but, this being Sky One, you know it is just going to be a rehash of old clips, interviews and the usual talking heads.

In this evening’s first part, as if we needed reminding, we are taken back to the early years – 1996 to 1998.

For those who are too young to remember, you might be surprised to learn that Posh did once have a job – as a non-singing, non-dancing member of a group called the Spice Girls – and Becks was not always the darling of the British public he is now.

In fact, his petulant kick on Argentina’s Diego Simeone in the World Cup of 1998, which earned him a red card, made him the country’s Public Enemy No.1 for a while.’

Posted: 14th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Teen Building

‘TEEN Big Brother can at least boast one achievement that its grown-up version couldn’t manage – sex.

Each to their own

Jade Dyer and Tommy Wright, both 18, did what Paul and Helen and PJ and Jade and Anoushka and anyone who was interested failed to do and actually got it together in the famous house.

We know this because Channel 4 have let it slip, presumably to try to attract viewers to its new show that starts this evening.

Teen Big Brother: The Experiment was designed as a Lord Of The Flies experience (and intended for Channel 4’s educational strand 4Learning) with the inmates being voted out by each other rather than the public.

However, it is the sex that sells, as executive producer Elaine Hackett acknowledged. ‘What you’ll see is a rustle under the duvet,” she said. “You can’t say that there was sex in the house and then not show it.’

You can, but you wouldn’t get as many people to watch your programme.’

Posted: 13th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


A Rose By Any Other Name

‘DO we detect a new trend on TV, whereby channels remake their existing programmes but under different names?

A still from our pilot programme

For instance, tonight on BBC2 there is a new series in which guests are invited on to moan about stuff that irritates them.

Room 101 must be back, you say. But no, this programme is called Grumpy Old Men and differs from Room 101 in one important respect – all guests are men of a certain age, like John Peel, Rory McGrath and Arthur Smith.

And what about BBC1’s Out-Take TV, a collection of all-too-predictable cock-ups from the TV archives? Didn’t Terry Wogan used to present something called Auntie’s Bloomers, featuring a collection of all-too-predictable cock-ups from the TV archives?

This is one bandwagon we’re jumping on early as we sell the BBC this idea we’ve been mulling over for a while about an everyday story of some really miserable folk living in the East End of London…’

Posted: 10th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


If…

‘MOST people’s knowledge of poetry doesn’t extend much beyond Rudyard Kipling’s If. At least, that is the only reason we can imagine why it was voted Britain’s Favourite Poem in a poll a few years ago.

Lousy poet, good cake-maker

In fact, we have always found that a good approach to life is to act exactly contrary to the various injunctions contained in that poem – don’t treat triumph and disaster just the same, don’t fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run, etc…

Why this sudden diatribe against Kipling? Well, today is National Poetry Day (as you were no doubt aware) and that means half an hour on BBC tonight of Essential Poems For Britain.

Why they are essential we do not know, but the programme does include readings by some of the country’s top actors of some of the country’s top poets, Williams Shakespeare, Robert Browning, Philip Larkin and the like.

No doubt Kipling will squeeze in somewhere, urging us all for some reason to wait and not be tired of waiting. He should have stuck to doing what he knows best – making cakes.’

Posted: 9th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Tangled Up In Blue

‘THE world divides into people who find Jim Carrey funny and people who find Jim Carrey irritating. We are in the latter group, which is just one of the reasons why we won’t be watching Me, Myself And Irene tonight.

‘I have nothing to offer except blood, tears, 3 million unemployed…’

But if you are in the first group and not only can stomach Carrey’s silly walks and sillier faces but also don’t mind off-colour jokes about schizophrenia, then tune into ITV1 tonight at 9pm.

However, there is something much funnier (and full of just as many off-colour jokes) earlier in the day – the Tory Party conference.

Gone are the days, sadly, when the TV stations would broadcast highlights of the conferences in the evening for people who were at work during the day.

But luckily the Tories managed to create enough unemployed people during their 18 years in power to ensure that as many people tune into their annual shindig as there are hairs on party leader Iain Duncan Smith’s head.

Today, it is shadow chancellor Michael Howard’s turn to bring the house down.’

Posted: 8th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Reality Bites

‘WE are working on the ultimate reality TV show and can’t decide between Britain’s Worst Dressed Celebrity Driver and Bone Idle, in which contestants compete to see who can sit on their backside and do nothing for longest.

Why human cloning must never be allowed to happen

And it is only a matter before our phone starts ringing off the hook from producers desperate to find yet more inane ways of plugging holes in their winter schedules.

But for the time being, we have to exist on what morsels we can get, which this evening includes Wife Swap (in which a mother-of-two from Devon swaps places with a mother-of-eight from a council estate in Rochdale), Gardeners From Hell, Britain’s Worst Driver, At Home With The Eubanks, A Life Of Grime and Property Ladder.

Still in production are some of our earlier ideas, like Mud In Your Eye (in which Britain’s worst gardeners swap places and make a mess of each other’s gardens) and At Home With The Reality TV Hosts From Hell (in which audience members discover what it would be like to be trapped in a house with four Davina McCalls).

We look forward to the royalty cheques flooding in.’

Posted: 7th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Turning The Air Blue

‘THE best thing about the Frank Skinner show, which returns to our screens at 10.30 (ITV1) tonight, is that there is no David Baddiel. The worst thing is that, even after so many years, Frank thinks he can sing.

And that, children, is how coconuts were invented

But that aside, his interviews, normally with C-listers, are frequently amusing affairs and tonight’s guest – a certain shy, retiring Brighton belle by the name of Katie Price – promises to be no exception.

Skinner has in the past described Jordan – for it is she – as his ideal woman, although ideal for what we don’t know. Ideal as a crash mat no doubt or somewhere to park your bicycle, but surely nothing else.

Last time she was on the show, she told the nation far more about her sex life than any of us ever wanted to know – and we should expect her to do likewise tonight.

As for the show, the format’s pretty much the same as ever, although the sketches have gone to be replaced by a stand-up routine. Music comes from Blue. All rise…’

Posted: 6th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Fame And Fortune

‘POP Idol may have a few weeks left to go, but Fame Academy comes to an end tonight with Alex, Ali and Carolynne battling it out for the dubious distinction of becoming the new David Sneddon.

It’s your choice

Alex is firm favourite, as she has been pretty well through the entire show, but we think Ali (whose odds are shortening all the time) could sneak in and take the prize.

For some reason, audiences seem to vote for men in greater numbers than they vote for women – it isn’t a coincidence that Pop Idol was won by a man, the first Fame Academy was won by a man and three out of four Big Brothers have been won by men.

And Ali has the advantage of singing a Blue song in the final – something that will no doubt stand him in good stead with the teenybopper audience.

Meanwhile, over on the other side, only two of the next group of 10 hopefuls can make it through to the Pop Idol final.’

Posted: 4th, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sense Of Uma

‘BRITNEY Spears was slated as the guest on tonight’s Jonathan Ross show, but the man who put the W back in Fridays has definitely traded up with the delectable Uma Thurman and Quentin Tarantino coming in to talk about their new film, Kill Bill, instead.

‘Are you Arnie in disguise?’

Sadly, with Thurman newly single after the collapse of her marriage to Ethan Hawke, we may have to put up with the host’s desperate attempts to be flirtatious, although hopefully the presence of Tarantino will keep him on his best behaviour.

However, Wossie is at his best when he is talking about film, which is a subject he undoubtedly knows a lot about, rather than showing off – so hopefully tonight’s interview will be a good one.

The film itself (which also stars Daryl Hannah, Lucy Liu, David Carradine and Michael Madsen) is rumoured to be pretty good as well, as UK audiences will be able to see for themselves in a fortnight’s time.

Har Mar Superstar and comedian Bill Bailey complete the line-up.’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Gone For A Burton

‘TONY Blair is alive and well and living in a remote part of France with his six children, wife and a few ducks.

John Burton Race

He’s calling himself John Burton Race, a two-star Michelin chef. But that simple name change won’t fool us. The posturing, preening and the man’s unwavering desire to be seen as a “good guy” (his words) all point to his being our beloved leader.

As such, French Leave (Channel 4, 8:30pm), the TV show that has tracked Tony and his kin down, should be required viewing.

Tonight, Tony’s mother-in-law comes to stay, bringing with her all manner of delicious junk food. Tony is not happy, preferring more traditional Blair fare, like polenta and duck terrine, and wafers.

Of course, it is not really Tone. Our Tone is no friend of the French – if he were to take a year off he’d most likely go to Tuscany and “crash” for free at a “mate’s pad” (once more, his words).

Which makes us wonder who this John chap is. Perhaps Tony’s learnt something from his dealing with Saddam Hussein after all and got himself a double. And we don’t mean Cliff Richard…’

Posted: 2nd, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Monroe Doctrine

‘IN four decades time, will they still be showing programmes entitled “Who Killed Princess Diana?”, “What Happened To Iraq’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction?” and “Is Osama Bin Laden Really Lord Lucan?”?

Did she jump or was she pushed?

Or will they have got bored with our generation’s conspiracy theories and be poring over ones we can only imagine today?

Tonight, Five (the channel formerly known as Channel 5) promises to reveal who killed Marilyn Monroe – or at least rake over some of the myriad theories that have surrounded the Hollywood icon’s death in 1962.

One such theory suggests that a CIA agent administered barbiturates to the blonde bombshell via an enema; others have her murdered by the Mob, by the Commies or even by her own shrink.

If you haven’t got an alibi for August 5 of that year, we suggest you fabricate one petty quickly – the list of suspects is so long that it’s only a matter of time before your name crops up.’

Posted: 1st, October 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Hit Brit Flick

‘JUST hearing the words “British cinema” sends a shiver down the spine. You think of boring films, small films with small issues, small characters set in small, claustrophobic plots.

‘It must be time for me to take my clothes off by now’

There’s all that humour in the face of adversity to stick in the gizzard. Life might be awful but so long as we have each other we can manage. Nowt as queer as folk. Roll aht the barrel. Yous alreett, our kid?

And then there comes along a film like Young Adam. Here’s a movie that looks like a proper adult film. No-one takes their clothes off for anything other than a bath or sex. Men don’t learn to play in a brass band or dance. The bored housewife doesn’t look for love in foreign climate. No-one takes drugs and goes raving.

David Mackenzie’s take on a novel by Scottish beat author Alexander Trocchi is an engaging if occasionally elusive tale of sexual tension and guilt.

The action centres on Joe as he works a barge around Glasgow. The brooding Joe (Ewan McGregor) works with Les (Peter Mullan) and Les’ wife Ella (Tilda Swinton). The routine unromantic calm is broken by the discovery of a body floating in the water.

It’s clear that Joe knows more than he’s letting on.

As good as McGregor’s performance is, the show is stolen by Swinton’s barge owner. Remarkably plain and fierce, she exerts a power over both men. Swinton is riveting, an engaging screen star.

Any more films like this and British cinema might mean more than unemployed men stripping for pleasure…’

Posted: 30th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Family Affairs

‘IMITATION, it is said, is the highest form of flattery – and British TV continues to flatter its American counterpart by imitating its best programmes.

‘Who you callin’ typecast?’

Tonight, a six-part drama called Family starts on ITV with more than a nod towards the brilliant Sopranos.

Martin Kemp takes the Tony Soprano role as Joey Cutler, a mobster who must try to keep his dodgy gaming machine business going while keeping his wife and kids happy back at home.

In tonight’s first episode, Joey’s older and more unpleasant brother Dave (Jamie Foreman) returns after a 10-year absence and on the run from a string of debts.

It’s not The Sopranos, in the same way that Coupling isn’t Friends – but it’s probably worth staying in on a Monday night for. At least for the next six weeks.’

Posted: 29th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sword Play

‘IF Lord Byron were alive today, he would never be off the front page of the tabloid papers. While the Daily Mail and Express would grow ever more outraged by his behaviour, the red-tops would delight in recording his latest conquest.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know

And conquests there were aplenty for the man famously described by Lady Caroline Lamb as “mad, bad and dangerous to know”.

Over two nights this weekend, the BBC presents a dramatised version of the romantic poet’s short but very full life, with Johnny Lee Miller taking the lead role. As the former Mr Angelina Jolie, one imagines that he knows a fair bit about the mad and the bad.

For the more literary tastes, there is a discussion of Byron’s work after Saturday’s first part; for the rest, there is plenty of sex on show in what is being billed as the most risqué production ever to have been broadcast by the BBC.

Watch – and the antics of the likes of Jordan, Gary Lucy, John Leslie and those other tabloid lotharios seem pathetic in comparison.’

Posted: 27th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Old Stagers

‘COME some time in the future we will bemoan the absence of the stars of yesteryear. Where are the Monkhouses, the Tarbucks, the Forsyths? Bring back Cilla Black.

Putting the Des in desire

But by then, maybe, we will have moved on from schmultzy cabaret fare into some new adventure in television. Maybe.

For now the debate can wait while Des O’Connor and his showbiz pals continue to dance their way through the TV schedules with too much white teeth and leathery skin.

Tonight, and for one night only, the man whose last decent joke died with Eric Morecambe appears on ITV in interview with Ricky Gervais.

Those who only know Mr Gervais from The Office might expect that he is a one trick pony. He’s not. He has a brain that is sharper and funnier that O’Connor’s. Seeing the pair together is like watching a community service visit.

O’Connor’s attempts at the Gervais style of humour are dire. This, of course, makes them worth a look, since so much of today’s TV is about laughing at people.

But Des is getting on a bit so don’t be too hard on him – unless he mentions his records, Freddie Starr or Eric and Ernie for the umpteenth time…’

Posted: 26th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Boogie Knights

‘IN hindsight, it’s amazing that no-one thought to do a modern version of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales before now – there is more sex, innuendo and fart jokes in the 23 stories than in the whole of the Carry On series.

‘Okay, let’s just have a threesome’

And because they are based on the work of a 14th Century poet, the BBC can present it all as high art and so take our licence fee money off us with a clear conscience.

Tonight, we get to see the Knight’s Tale in which a pair of lifelong buddies, Ace and Paul, make the mistake of falling in love with the same women, Emily.

The twist is that both are behind bars, but one (Ace) is then released (but on condition that he doesn’t see Emily), while the other (Paul) can see Emily but only from his prison cell.

We won’t spoil the ending – those of you who can’t wait for 9 o’clock this evening should practise their Middle English and read it in the original.’

Posted: 25th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Monkey Business

‘ACCORDING to David Aaronovich, there are 120m sex acts that take place globally every day. [For definition of sex act, see under Bill Clinton at www.intern.com]

‘Oi, watch where you put that hand, mate’

This number, we believe, only includes those acts involving humans – but, given the nature of our species, a menagerie of animals, fish and household objects probably swells the overall figure.

Tonight the journalist takes his measuring device to Brazil, North Carolina and Japan, stopping as he goes to talk about sex and watch us at it, if only though the frosted glass of a Tantric-sex class.

We also learn some interesting things. This being the new FIVE, the smut is wrapped up in education. This is stimulation for the mind and body.

And the information comes thick and fast. You will learn that orang-utans are like hairy Ann Summers, fashioning sex toys from branches and leaves. The male honey bee detonates during sex, leaving his genitals behind on his lover’s pillow as a reminder of happier times.

This is TV for the just-back-from-the-pub brigade. And lonely orang-utans…’

Posted: 24th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


It’s All Filth

‘YOU don’t have to be Mary Whitehouse or a Daily Mail reader to see that today’s TV schedules are full of filth.

What discerning rodents are reading this autumn

No, not Channel 4 Red Triangle filth nor Channel Five’s soft porn filth, but real filth as in dirt and bugs and rats and the like.

We kick off on ITV with the second part of Infested, in which we examine just how many things like how many bugs there are on the average toothbrush and meet the woman whose home is being eaten from the inside out by termites.

Then, we move on to the BBC and A Life Of Grime, in which we follow Bristol City Council’s efforts to empty a boating lake of fish so they can clean it, get introduced to a pensioner with a rat problem and help track down a mysterious serpent who has taken up residence in a squat.

If none of that sounds very appealing, it has at least got to be better than another episode of the tired and increasingly lame They Think It’s All Over. Where’s Kenneth Wolstenholme when you need him?’

Posted: 23rd, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


A Damp Squid

‘FANS of FIVE as we are, we direct your gaze to the TV programme title of the year: Killer Squid Attack.

‘Will you still love me in the morning, Vicky?’

Those who have arrived back from Greece will wonder why you portion of calamari was so small given that squid are so huge. (Those arriving back from the resort of Faliraki should flush out your systems with water and antibiotics.)

Back to the squid, which attacks at 8pm. And that’s a shame since many of you will be watching EastEnders on BBC1 at the same time. Question: why?

EastEnders is awful. The acting is woeful. Are we that short of talent in this country that we are inflicted with the acting power behind the character Vicky? Looking at her and her gang of Martin, Azif and Spencer is like watching an acting workshop.

And then there is Zoe, aka Michelle Ryan. Those of you still watching this bilge are asked to spot the next time Zoe has a speech longer than five words.

Ryan cannot act. Her reduced dialogue is surely a sign that the show’s directors and writers also know they have a dud on their hands.

Our advice is to watch the squid.’

Posted: 22nd, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Fools Gold

‘NEXT to South Africans, Australians are the best are telling us how wonderful life is back home Down Under. Down there, the sun always shines, the beer’s always cold and there’s always a fresh shrimp on the barbie.

‘We’re saving up to go travelling in Europe’

That they do this while propping up a bar in some colonial themed watering hole in London, Edinburgh or Dublin should alert you to the fact that is all is not as it seems.

For instance, did they mention that the sun is also beloved by all manner of creatures, like poisonous spiders and snakes? Did they say how you drink the beer out of a can or bottle as such vessels are harder for ants to crawl inside than glasses and mugs?

And that prawn on the babie looks alright, until you turn it over and see the angry wasps nest buzzing up its nether regions.

Tonight we get to feel better about our lot here in the frozen northern hemisphere when BBC2 goes Wild Down Under at 9pm.

The series does have some fantastic shots of the fauna and flora in the Australian heartland. And the scenery is typically breathtaking.

And what with the hole in the Ozone hanging over it, your breath is exactly what you’d lose if you saw it first hand. But it does look great on the telly. Or on the jumbo screen in the pub.

Grab a warm one and enjoy. Same again please, Shane…’

Posted: 19th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Bang On Autocue

‘THIS column has long championed daytime television. With its shameless plugs, lightweight presenters (Paul Ross) and cheap productions, it’s interesting for its flaws.

A Sykes for sore eyes

For fans of error spotting, for those of a cynical bent who laugh at hapless presenters and wonder how they ever got on TV, we, in association with ITV, give you Today with Des and Mel.

The premise is simple. Des O’Connor says a few topical funnies, sets up guests to deliver their amusing anecdotes and jokes, while Mel smiles and thanks them for turning up.

As we say, it’s simple.

The problems, and with it the fun, begin when Mel speaks. Earlier in the week, Mel managed to ask the same question twice to a contestant on a phone-in competition. Since she only asked five in total, this was no little thing.

After the final gong had sounded, Mel failed to realise her mistake and with raised eyebrow told the world the correct answer. And what a relief that it was the same answer as the one she’d given us ten seconds earlier.

It is unfair to pick on one moment – when there are so many more. We urge you to watch, and thereby to keep Mel on our screens.

Kelly Brook sadly went away. Mel can save the day. The bimbo is not dead – she’s just died her hair black…’

Posted: 18th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Funny Boneheads

‘LOOKING at other people and laughing at them is all part of what it is to be a television viewer. Look at those idiots, you say from your sofa. What a bunch of losers.

‘Everyone is soooo stupid’

Tonight is sure to give many opportunities for much of the same as BBC1 follows Chelsea Tales (9pm) with When The God Squad Came To Town.

The first of these programmes focuses on a cult of pink-shirted fools who bray and neigh with abandon. The second show hones in some young Christians as they arrive on the doorsteps of a housing estate in Manchester.

The cruel laughter reaches its apogee on Channel 4, where the catty Naomi Cleaver takes a look at a couple’s efforts at recreating Essex in their Hollywood home. Or is it the other way round?

No matter, because on Other People’s Houses the building and the homeowners are just the underlay to the star turn, and her unnerving ability to shoot these fish in a barrel.

Around the same time (9pm) FIVE, introduces us to Extreme Phobias. There’s the man who is afraid of baked beans and a salesman who has a fear of writing in public.

But none of these people, in any show, have a fear of making themselves look ridiculous when a TV camera is aimed in their direction. And long may it continue..’

Posted: 17th, September 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0