Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
And now for the pay off. Karen Dancuk is to appear on Channel 5’s Celebrity Big Brother. Having recently appeared on Channel 5 news to tell us that her life is private, a “telly source” says:
“In the last week following the break-up of her marriage she has become all the more marketable. CBB is perfect for her — as viewers will see a lot of her famous boobs and she will have more to talk about.”
Given her love of selfies, will Karen become the show’s first stop motion housemate?
The tortillas are, of courses, raw. The grooves are laser cut.
Make your own here.
Lee Scratch Perry’s Vision Of Paradise is the story of the great music man’s life. German filmmaker Volker Schaner tells Mojo about his film of the great Upsetter:
“There is something so mysterious and sparkling in Lee Perry’s music. I always wanted to understand this man and his cosmos, and to make a film with and about him.”
Perry’s music is a mix of the mystical, spectral and the touchable.
These are our top 10 Lee Scratch Perry songs:
Roast Fish And Cornbread:
Junior Murvin Police & Thieves
Justin Bieber took to Instagram and posted a photo of his naked bum. Why? We cannot be certain but Bieber watchers say it might be to prove that he doesn’t look like a lesbian, suffer from nappy rash, is ready for ‘big boys knickers’ and that living under the unrelenting glare of pop stardom has yet to see his arse tanned.
In today’s episode of Keeping Up with the Danczuks, we learn what it is and isn’t like to have sex with MP Simon Danczuk. Karen Danczuk, for it is she, tells the Sun:
KAREN Danczuk returned fire in her acrimonious split from husband Simon — claiming their marriage was “sexless”. She also called the Labour MP “controlling and jealous”.
Sweet Karen then reportedly called her estranged husband a “bad-tempered alcoholic”.
“There was no sex and we weren’t even kissing by the end. I stopped fancying him and we had no spark left. I used to think, ‘If he is cheating, then he’s not coming to me for it’, which was a relief.”
We can only wonder what else Karen would reveal were she doing interviews:
Demure Karen then reaches further into the knife drawer at the Rochdale home she and Simon used to share:
“People think he’s really calm and lovely but there’s a side to him they don’t see”
If only. It was only yesterday Simon was talking to the Sun. When they’re not slagging each other off on twitter, the Danczuks aappears to have the Sun on speed dial. Why they should talk with the Sun is something we can only wonder about.
“He’s always loved attention. All through our relationship I felt like I was the one in the background. It felt like everything we did was because he was in the public eye. I remember as I married him thinking, ‘When I do this next time I want a big white wedding with all the works’.”
Extra salami and a stuffed crust it is, Karen. Only the best for you.
Karen contionues to deny having an extra-marital affair with a personal trainer called Ben:
But Karen has taken a swipe at Ben’s wife Natalie, who has so far remained silent over the scandal. She claims the couple broke up themselves “way back in May” and also accused Natalie of having “fake boobs”.
Natalie has yet to pose for an accusation-busing selfie. But Karen’s breasts are ‘real’ – in facts, many think they are the most authentic thing about her.
Karen Danczuk might have the t*ts, but it’s her estranged husband MP Simon Danczuk’s supplying the titillation. He’s been talking to the Sun, which thunders:
I fear she shared her selfie with Ben for five months, says Simon Danczuk
EXCLUSIVE: MP’s hell over claims of his wife’s affair
From being ‘campaigning Simon Danczuk’, the MP for Rochdale has in recent days earned a new epithet – he is “DEVASTATED Simon Danczuk”.
And his talking to the Sun will come a surprise for the Indy’s Simon Kelner, who opines loftily:
How he must have been anguished to see the most intimate details of his marriage picked over in lurid detail, and with lip-smacking salaciousness, in the pages of our national newspapers (not this one, obviously).
KAREN Danczuk spent more than seven hours with her personal trainer as he stayed the night at her house. Athletic Ben Bate sneaked into the 31-year-old’s marital home late on Thursday — just five days after she split with husband Simon, a Labour MP.
Photos of the man are captioned:
Karen works out in the park with personal trainer Ben
Ben outside Karen’s house on Wednesday evening
He walks into the house
Looking out of the window shortly before midnight
Personal trainer leaves in the early hours
Thrilling stuff that any private dick should appreciate.
The pick of the photos, however, is the one labelled:
Wearing T-shirt for Ben’s gym
You can inherit mannerisms, skills and gestures. And your progeny can build on them and be better than you. In this video St. Louis-based beatboxer Nicole Paris and her dad battle. He’s good. She epic. There is only one winner:
Spotter: Leonard Beaty
TV land has banned the Dukes of Hazzard show because the featured car, the ‘General Lee’, had a roof decorated with the Confederate flag. What was good enough for a hit show in the 1980s is today’s poison. It got us thinking what else could have gotten the show banned? And we came up with one name: Daisy Duke. Played by Catherine Bach, Daisy Duke, with her white 1980 Jeep CJ-7, was an adolescent fantasy. In this collection of photos you can see Daisy in her ‘Daisy Duke’ short shorts stood by ‘Red Indians’, dressed as a French maid and using her primary sexual characteristics to flesh out the character. Ban it. Ban it now!
Two Argentinian pilots who allowed Greek Playboy model Viky Xipolitakis into the cockpit have been sacked. Patricio Zocchi Molina and Federico Matias Soaje, who thought it a good idea to let Viky play with the joystick during take-off, face eight years in prison and a $10 million lawsuit brought by 11 of the passengers.
The Buenos Aires Herald says the pilots have been charged with an “attack against aircraft security”.
But was it worth it?
Ms Xipolitakis, who tweeted the flight, has been banned from flying with the airline for five years. She now sees herself as a victim:
“I never thought I could cause such harm. I am deeply sad. I had a wonderful experience in the flight and never thought it could cause such fuss. I didn’t know I couldn’t go into the cockpit. The pilots should have told me not to. Now I reckon my life has been in danger.”
Did you watch Kanye West at Glastonbury? Good to see he’s overcome the crippling shyness. For that, perhaps, we can credit his wife, the fragrant Kim Kardashian (top notes or honeysuckle or base notes of jacaranda wood and sexy musk). Not a day goes by without Kim showing us one of her body parts, either from a new angle or covered in a rare by-product of the petro-chemical industries.
As Kanye gave full throat to one of his hits, he must have been delighted to look over the throng and see a flag depiciting sweet Kim giving full throat to one Ray J, the co-star of the sex tape that stoked her celebrity and launched the careers of a million Kardashians.
The Indy notes:
Ironically, the incident came ahead of a talk she is due to give on the objectification of women in media in Oakland, California.
Kim is thought to be speaking on behalf of the ‘Let’s Have More Of It’ side of the debate.
“He was overwhelmed that suddenly it was all about me! I think there was a bit of jealousy….It used to be all about Simon. I used to be his plus-one, but it changed dramatically and became more about me. Even at MP events, I became the star. Simon probably just felt a little taken aback.”
The Sun adds:
Before her rise to fame, Karen was happy in her role as MP’s wife bringing up their two boys Milton and Sebastian in Rochdale, Gtr Manchester.
Odd. Yesterday the Mirror said her sons were called Milton and Maurice? still, who cares about that pair when you have pneumatic Karen and her tweets.
“There was no blazing argument. There was a lot of tension that built up over time with how our lives were becoming very different. We just knew it couldn’t go on. There was a moment the next morning where Simon back-tracked and we both cried but my mind was made up by then. I finished it for the both of us.”
Karen went solo:
“It was difficult for him for me to suddenly be in the limelight, but I’ve realised he’s got his career and now it’s time for me to not only focus on the boys but also my career.”
And her career seems to be suppoted by the Sun, whose agont aunt Dear Deirdre opines:
…this sad story of a relationship foundering because a high-profile husband can’t stand the limelight shifting to his missus is pretty familiar.
Is that what happened? Who knows. All we know is that a vain, media-friendly MP and his flirty, fame-seeking wife are in the news. A stint on Love Island or Big Brother beckons.
And it should be entertaining. As Camilla Long wrote:
I have never met a family so chaotic. (During the interview she cries and then Simon cries, both swear and loudly slag other people off and everyone behaves as if this is a perfectly normal Sunday morning.)
Liam Gallagher is not as hard as his brother Noel, who survived being autograph hunted by Tony Blair. Physically, Liam’s a cloud of manboobs. We know this because Robbie Williams saw Liam in football shorts and nylons and tweeted: “Oh that reminds me @liamgallagher – I’ve got to take my old bra’s to the charity shop.” This follows Liam’s comment on Williams back in 2013. “We should be playing the Etihad three nights, not some f***ing fat f***ing idiot,” he told BBC 5Live. And, of course, Noel described Williams as “that fat dancer from Take That”.
In the old days being fat would have made you a jolly figure of fun. Now it means you’re a loser worthy of insult. But portly Gallagher and burly Williams should realise they are simply moving through life with their fatter-by-the-year fans. If the singers could forgo the evergreen and full ‘rock star’ hair they could blend in with the crowds at any 1990s revival show.
Professional to-deadline dimwit Joey Essex is dating Charlotte Stuchfield. He had been romancing air hostesses Bethany Hitch but, as the Sun reports, tired of her “always being in the sky”. A source is quoted: “It was tough maintaining a relationship with an air stewardess. At least Charlotte only lives up the road.”
But where the Sun does it with humour – Joey, mate, Hitch doesn’t live in the sky, footballers don’t live on the pitch and waiters don’t live in McDonald’s – the Mail goes on the attack. In place of actual knowledge about Miss Stuchfield (the Mirror calls her a “mystery brunette”), the Mail produces three photos of the couple leaving an London eatery and news that the Essex’s latest flame “flashed her sideboob in a knitted top which gaped at the sides”.
The Sun is copying the Daily Mail’s habit of being shocked and amazed that famous faces have gotten older. Today, the Sun’s Dan Wootton brings us “Careless Wispa – EXCLUSIVE: Fears for ‘bloated’ George Michael as he piles on 3st”.
This is Wootton who launched his ‘No More Skinny’ campaign in the Sun, calling on fatter models and the end to the skinny obsession “madness” that does “so much damage to our body-conscious youngsters”.
Today Wootton says an “onlooker” spotted “BLOATED George Michael” at an exhibition of British pop artist Allen Jones at Zurich’s Baur au Lac hotel.
The witness says:
“He attended as it started to get dark. It was clearly George, but it was pretty shocking to see how he looked.”
No. It wasn’t. He’s 51. He looks pretty good, especially for a man so grotesque he goes out only under cover of darkness:
To further prove just how horrible George looks, Wootton invites readers to compare the singer now with how he looked in 1983.
Wow, indeed, Dan. Singer gets older. Read all about it!
Pro-celebrity hoofer and neon-hued The Only Way Is Essex survivor Mark Wright is newly married to fanciable soap actress Michelle Keegan. The couple have been on honeymoon in the fascistic enclave of Dubai. And the Daily Mirror has a question:
Did Lauren Goodger gatecrash Mark and Michelle’s honeymoon?
Goodger, who sounds like a Chas ‘n’ Dave grunt, once dated the buffed Wright. And now she is the subject of what might be the celebrity sentence of the year:
Next to a picture of a bronzed Lauren sipping a glass of champagne and sitting in front of a huge lobster dinner, she wrote: “Dubai my holidays.”
Having created an entirely new way of speaking in describing Goodger in the third third person, the Mirror then shares this photo. Do not adjust your monitor. It’s not easy to out-glow a cooked lobster in the searing Dubai heat but Goodger has cracked it:
Wright saw the photo, smashed a few coconuts and decided that it’d be dignified to respond in public:
“Endless mentions RE: me and us is embarrassing. I really thought after lawyers being involved and polite pleas to stop mentioning me she… would stop. Maybe not. It’s hurtful to think one person needs to mention YOU every week to earn a living. Being married to another woman almost makes it unfair!! [sic]… If you’re reading this, please PLEASE respect my wife and STOP. Everyone has a past, get over it!! I really didn’t want to have to do this but enough is enough. I wish you well but leave me, my life and my wife out it. I’m sure there are other ways to make money [sic].”
Having left his wife out of it by mentioning her in series of tweets, Wright then published this photo of himself apparently empathising with that lobster:
He’s the one that got away, Lauren.
Those good people at Disinfo point us towards Future Shock, the film based on Alvin Toffler’s 1970 book. Released in 1972, Orson Welles narrates.
Alvin Toffler notes:
“We may define future shock as the distress, both physical and psychological, that arises from an overload of the human organism’s physical adaptive systems and its decision-making processes… Put more simply, future shock is the human response to over-stimulation…”
This is Future Shock…
On 22 November 1963, on the same day President Kennedy was assassinated, Aldous Huxley, author of Brave New World and The Doors of Perception, died of the cancer that had been destroying him for three years. On his deathbed, Huxley asked his wife Laura to inject him with uncut LSD. She did.
Laura would attest (via):
“All five people in the room said that this was the most serene, the most beautiful death. Both doctors and the nurse said they had never seen a person in similar physical condition going off so completely without pain and without struggle.”
The video to Dutch band De Jeugd van Tegenwoordig’s tune Elektrotechnique features DIY sex toys. If they remind you of happier times, do tell us how they work and if nails or glue is better:
In 1975, Orson Welles edited a scence from the porno movie 3 A.M.
Josh Karp spotted the master’s work in researching his book Orson Welles’s Last Movie: The Making of The Other Side of the Wind. He says Welles “wound up editing a hard-core lesbian shower scene that he couldn’t resist cutting in Wellesian fashion with low camera angles and other trademark flair.”
Welles knew his porn:
Dear Bow Wow, I have casual sex with the female fans. But how can I have my cake and eat it?
Bow Wow considers the question on his Instagram.
Yo i see yall boys still young rich and DUMB. Now james is my boy but let me say this now. This is how i USE to do it its called “leaving no evidence” if you was chilling w me my security takes phones and you signing papers. The rule is when she leaves she gets her phone back.
Dumb James is pro basketball player James Harden, seen with a fan in the above photo.
Bow Wow never talks to a groupie without first tucking a pen into his knickers.
Secondly if u forgot to take phone make sure she sleep then find her phone (usually by side of bed) i would take it put it under the bed so i KNOW im good and could sleep peacefully.