Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Sky News presenter Kay Burley reads from a card with the wrong spelling of Kirkcaldy written on the back, at the Adam Smith College – where the count for Gordon Brown’s Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath Constituency was held in the General Election. Picture date: Friday, May 7, 2010.
THE increasingly bizarre Kay Burley has been doing her thing on Sky News again, this time referring to a Yes campaigner in the Scottish Independence Referendum as ‘a bit of a nob’.
We should hold our own referendum on the spelling of nob/knob when referring to the male genitalia.
DEATH is a terrible inevitability. You could pop your considerable clogs at any given moment. You might be half way through a banana. You could be mid-poo, like Elvis. You could be *this close* to finishing that computer game that proved so difficult all those years. You might suddenly die just before someone finishes a joke.
Worse than all these things put together, is when great actors die before they’ve had the chance to do one last film that is any good.
There’s a whole host of brilliant actors who have been in absolute crap – Robert De Niro in ‘The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle’, Michael Caine in ‘Jaws: The Revenge’, Kevin Spacey in ‘Fred Claus’, Faye Dunaway in ‘Dunston Checks In’ and Al Pacino in Adam Sandler’s beyond woeful ‘Jack & Jill’.
However, they all got another shot at correcting the blips on their showreels.
ACTRESS Danièle Watts (Django Unchained, Weeds) was stopped by police in Studio City USA for kisisng her boyfreind. Police requested her ID. She refused. Why should she hadn her ‘papers’ over? Police then put her into their vehicle. She was handcuffed.
IN September 1994, a reel-to-reel tape emerged and was put up for auction. Sotheby’s were all over it because this wasn’t any old recording they had on their hands.
What had arrived was a reel to reel tape of The Quarry Men appearing at St Peter’s Parish Church garden party Liverpool in July, 1957.
The Quarry Men would of course, turn into The Beatles, who are still the biggest band in the whole wide world. The tape went for what is a reasonably low price of £69,000. That wouldn’t buy one leg of a Champion’s League footballer in 2014.
So with that, we got to thinking about famous rock stars, pop singers and rappers before they were famous. Of course, there’s a lot of them who were on television and there’s yearbook photos of just about every celebrity online, but we wanted to look at the music they were making and the evidence of it.
Pull up a chair, remove the wax from your ear and let’s get stuck into rock’s flipside.
COMPLETELY insane he may be, but the Colonel Kurtz of Soul, R Kelly has made an announcement that will reverberate around the halls of the sneering mockers the world over. Despite his alleged fondness for urinating on young women and creating baffling songs like Real Talk and Shut Up, nothing has come close to R Kelly’s ego-lunacy project, Trapped In The Closet.
And, startlingly, he’s made more episodes of the bizarre pop-opera so he can finally share some of its‘mysteries’ with us. We suspect one mystery he’ll be leaving well alone is ‘why did he think it was a good idea to make an soul-operetta about a midget, a gay pastor and mystery package.’
THE Kardashians are a gruesome spectacle, determined to tell us all about the ins-and-outs of their lives. Quite literally. Of course, we saw the ins-and-outs of Kim’s life when her sex tape with Ray J got leaked online, turning her into a star overnight. Since then, she’s… well… done very little of worth, apart from a very brief marriage to a man who throws balls at a hoop for a living.
With the untold wealth that comes with Kim K’s life, she’s looking at buying a house in Europe. A bedsit in Montrose? A terrace in Telford? Of course not! She’s looking at buying Beckingham Palace - David and Victoria Beckham’s mansion in Hertfordshire.
Actress Carrie Fisher, 16, daughter of Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher, poses in New York City on May 2, 1973.
CARRIE Fisher is writing about looks and beauty for the Times:
Despite the fact that I have been employed as an actor, repeatedly and sometimes unfortunately (an occupation where looks can be very much an issue) I remain immune to my physical charms. This is, in part, because, since I was 13, I have spent months, nay, years, being, on and off, quite chubby and, therefore, conspicuously unattractive. I decided early on that I was officially a fleshy and forlorn blob. Couple that with self-absorption to spare and comparing myself unrealistically with the gorgeous and, voilà, you’ve got the recipe for my delightful and disastrous self-image…
30/7/64 CILLA BLACK AND GREYHOUND “RINGO” WHEN SHE MADE THE DRAW FOR THE FIRST ROUND OF THE 1964 NATIONAL INTER-TRACK GREYHOUND CHAMPIONSHIP
“Who threw the best parties in the 1960s? Obviously me! I used to throw parties at my Portland Place flat with all the Beatles and Mick Jagger. In fact Ringo Starr was sent out to get a lump of coal and a piece of bread one New Year’s eve — and we forgot about him! He turned up two hours later, freezing cold, with two Americans who’d recognised him in the street.”
THE Chuckle Brothers - Barry and Paul Elliott – have been appearing as themselves both inside and outside Southwark Crown Court - where Former Radio 1 DJ Dave Lee Travis is accused of indecent assault and sexual assault.
The towers are gone now, reduced to bloody rubble, along with all hopes for Peace in Our Time, in the United States or any other country. Make no mistake about it: We are At War now — with somebody — and we will stay At War with that mysterious Enemy for the rest of our lives.
It will be a Religious War, a sort of Christian Jihad, fueled by religious hatred and led by merciless fanatics on both sides. It will be guerilla warfare on a global scale, with no front lines and no identifiable enemy.
THIS week, in ’65, The Rolling Stones crash-landed at the top of the pop charts with a song that would become the band’s signature tune.
(‘I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’ gave the group their 4th no.1 single in the UK, which Keith Richards came up with while in Florida. He recorded a rough demo of the riff in a hotel room. Famously, he knocked the riff out into a tape and then fell asleep.
The song started life as two minutes of acoustic fumblings and and “then me snoring for the next forty minutes.”
One of the main ingredients that made the song so memorable was the Gibson Maestro Fuzz Pedal. That FZZZZing, BZZZZZing noise would become one of the hallmarks of ’60s beat music and the Stones taking it to the toppermost of the poppermost only ensured that everyone was going to jump on the sound.
Blues and Northern Soul singer Joe Cocker (r) buys a copy of his own record from a London record shop Date: 01/09/1964
BRITISH soul music is in a very, very good place at the moment and one of the leading lights of the scene is the wonderful Sam Smith, who has just announced a big ol’ UK tour for Spring 2015.
Smith just reached number one in the album charts and is currently being wooed by America, which will either make him or break him into a puddle of nervous breakdown.
Of course, Sam Smith isn’t the first soul singer Britain has produced, but his success is worth looking back at some of Blighty’s finest balladeers and belters.
Britain has a much richer seam of soul music (and blue-eyed soul) than you think. Of course, Adele conquered the entire world and Beverley Knight has stuck it out for years.
Let’s have a look at some of the best.
The current champion of Britsoul, Sam Smith, who has cut a fine furrow himself, along with making some great songs with Disclosure and Chic’s Nile Rodgers.
If there was a title for the greatest British soul singer of all time, Amy Winehouse would absolutely be in with a shout. Dead too young, but with a couple of killer albums released in her lifetime, making the rest of pop immediately up its game.
MNEK has gone from writing for others to making a go of it himself and, by God, we’ve needed him. Mixing ’90s R&B sensibilities with modern pop and dance music, he’s creating some of the best music in the world right now and if we don’t make a megastar out of him, we frankly don’t deserve the ears on our heads and the ass in our pants.
Cymande are an overlooked London funk outfit from the ’70s who ended up being sampled by De La Soul, thereby giving salivating record collectors and sample hunters a second stab at hearing their terrific music.
Few could argue that Britain has produced a better soul artist than Dusty Springfield. No-one channelled the feeling of a song quite like her and that remarkable, unique voice of hers is one that’ll never be copied.
You may remember Estelle’s ‘American Boy’, which featured a Kanye West verse, but there’s more to her than that one big smash. That said, if you’re going to go global with a record, ‘American Boy’ isn’t a bad one at all.
The critics favourite, Laura Mvula has melted the hearts of everyone with her modern-take on soul. She’s a magnificent artist and, as good as her work is, you get the impression she’s not yet released her best.
London’s R&B champion, Angel, has all the ingredients to be a superstar, so fans of his are enjoying him up close and personal before he ends up vanishing behind the velvet curtain of the VIP section.
Courtney Bennett is one of the most promising singers in Britain right now. She’s put out loads of great songs and was spotted by Ryan Leslie to sing on his ‘Black Mozart’ LP. One of the future, for sure.
Swedish-born, but British raised, Fatima has been making some very interesting and original soul music (‘Circle’ is well worth a listen). Another one who, if we’re not careful, could be huge!
Lianne La Havas
The fabulous Lianne La Havas as dazzled everyone who has seen her live and on record, she’s no slouch either. Mixing jazz, soul and electronics, she’s so good that Prince went ’round her house for a cup of tea.
Another one of Britain’s blue-eyed soulies from the ’60s, Chris Farlowe’s voice is a force of nature. The thing that bellows out of that awkward frame of his provided Immediate Records with some of their best hits. You’ll know him from his famous version of ‘Handbags & Gladrags’.
Lynden David Hall
Britain’s answer to Neo Soul, LDH sadly passed away in 2006, but not before cutting some great records and an amusing appearance in ‘Love Actually’.
Honorary mentions to:
Katy B, Craig David, Alice Russell, Jay Sean, Taio Cruz, Brand New Heavies, Misha Paris, Rebecca Ferguson.
WHEN the Daily Star declares “White Dee In BB 3-Way Romp”, you don’t know whether to take a peek or look away.
Deirdre Kelly — “White Dee” — is the break-out star of Benefits Street, TV’s fly-in-the-biscuit tin look at the welfare state through the eyes of UKIP recruiters for whom benefits are the disease not the symptom of poverty, poor education and unemployment.
Dee was the Street’s sedatory matriach and protector of the weak. She’s moved from James Turner Street, Birmingham, to a Z-list holding bay in leafy Elstree, where she’s having a Big Brother threesome.
Given that the Star is owned by Richard Desmond, who also publishes hardcore porn, the “romp” holds much promise for sticky-fingered readers.
DID you search for onude photos of Jennifer Lawrence? Did you type in ‘naked Jennifer Lawrence photos’ for research purposes? The leaking of photos and videos of 102 female celebrities is big news.
Commentators have been filling the gaps between the photos with opinion. Caitlin Moran writes in the Times:
If, in the “real world”, someone broke into Jennifer Lawrence’s garden and watched her undressing they would, rightly, be branded a pervert, arrested for trespass, treated as a bit revolting and sentenced to a spell in jail and possibly a stiff course of Just Stop Being A Freaky Mad Pervert therapy.
It’s no different to criminally trespassing into her iCloud and looking at her tits, simply because it’s “on the internet”. It’s “the internet” — not “Imaginary Norulestopia where you can do what you like”. When you treat the greatest communication tool the world has ever known like that, you basically turn it into Donkey Island in Pinocchio.