Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
David Bowie is being praised in death by such unlikely sources as the BBC, Daily Mail and every other media outfit who favours the safe over the daring.
The Daily Star is leading calls for a State Funeral.
When did David Bowie become the Queen Mother? He never drank that much…
Sad news in the world of romance: BBC TV presenter and former England footballer Gary Lineker, 55, is no longer in love with his wife, the thrusting Danielle, 36. They have agreed a financial settlement “agreeable to both parties”, says a source in the Star.
The Star thought it important enough to appear on its front page, replacing news of a doctors’ striker with an advert-styled “Lineker divorces today”:
The Sun features the story on its Page 3, the place famously given over to topless stunnas. Phwaor – gerraloadofGaz!
Gary – vital stats: 55-£200m-4kids – is available.
Danielle Linker, formerly Danielle Bux, is away.
In the Times’ Births, Marriages and Deaths, an announcement has been made: Jerry Hall is to marry Rupert Murdoch. What the billionaire sees in the mother of four we cannot be cerain. But there it is.
You can imagine Murdoch booking the advert in his own paper.
Times: BM & Ds. Hello…
RM: It’s about Rupert Murdoch..
Times: He’s had a baby?
RM: Not yet. He’s having a babe. It’s Jerry Hall. She’s marrying Rupert Murdoch.
Times: Murdock. With a ‘ck’?
RM: Naw! CH you dozy bint.
Times: Jerry, as in Jeremy?
RM: I’m no nooftah! It’s JERRY! It’s a girl’s name.
There will be cynics who knock and lampoon the man and the woman. But love will out.
David Bowie died at the wrong time for the dead-tree Press. The New York Times told us it was a good time to be Bowie. The Daily Mail went for a hatchet job, penned by Jan Moir.
Even the advert is wrong:
The British dead tree Press utterly missed David Bowie’s death. The USA had a few hours more to digest news of the Thin White Duke’ passing. And it still managed to balls it up:
‘Nation’s Sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole has split from husband number 2. He’s called Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka –, an ambulatory hyphen magnet whose been married to Cheryl for a whole 18 months.
News in the Mirror is that he does no want his wife cash.
Cheryl can keep the pounds – and, boy, she could do them.
The Mirror hears from an unnamed source who says of JB F-V: “There is no question of him taking her to the cleaners. He says he doesn’t want Cheryl’s money and is happy to end things quickly and amiably.”
We never do get to hear from –, which leaves the Mail to take a different approach. It leads with “Now for the battle over Cheryl’s £20m fortune.” They says he could take away £8m.
In a fight, the easy money would be on — delivering the knock-out blow. But Cheryl half form with cleaners, whether they be estranged husbands taking her to meet them or nightclub toilet workers.
David Bowie has died. You might have hard the sad news. He was brilliant. All day long the BBC has been paying tribute to the great entertainer who was “edgy”, ” cutting edge”, challenging and so on and on and on. That’s the BBC that has a deep history of banning the edgy, challenging, cutting edge, etc. It really is such utter balls from the State censor.
But if you want toe-curling tribute to David Bowie you can compare and contrast the reaction of the man’s own son, Duncan Jones, to that of Times columnist Caitlin Moran:
More tributes to the singer everyone loved, admired, adored and never thought odd or a bit right-wing to follow.
Spotter: Brendan O’Neill
David Cameron has died. Well, so says Fiona Winchester, a newsreader for Heart FM.
Whoops! Her mistake.
That’s David Bowie who died. Spot the difference?
Vocals Only: David Bowie and Freddie Mercury sing Under Pressure:
As ever it must, the Daily Star lead with news of Celebrity Big Brother, a terrific show being murdered through over-use. Onn the cover, we see Krisitan Rihanoff, a hoofer on pro-celebrity dance show Strictly Come Dancing.
She illustrates the news that CBB “faces the axe” over “record complaints”. Viewers tuning in to the show have been upset by “racism, anti-gay slurs and lewd acts”.
On page 7 we read that the “record complains” amount to 350 moans over two days.
Regular readers may recall the Star’s news of February 2015:
The housemates have already received 2,549 complaints about the series after sexist, racist and homophobic behaviour by showbiz blogger Perez, 36, and former Baywatch star Jeremy Jackson, 34, shocked viewers.
Now producers fear the backlash from fans could “spell the end for the show”.
It didn’t then. It won’t now.
To Wakaliga, Uganda, where Ramon Film Productions is knocking them bandy with action films of a unique strain. Nabwana IGG, who gave us the terrific Who Killed Captain Alex (budget 200), presents Operation Kakongoliro! The Ugandan Expendables (budget: £2000).
When Brian Eno’s Obscure Records closed in 1978, the ten albums he recorded for the label became tricky to find. Now Ubuweb has links to all ten albums.
- Obscure No. 1: The Sinking of the Titanic – Gavin Bryars (1975)
- Obscure No. 2: Ensemble Pieces – Christopher Hobbs, John Adams, Gavin Bryars (1975)
- Obscure No. 3: Discreet Music – Brian Eno (1975)
- Obscure No. 4: New and Rediscovered Musical Instruments – Max Eastley, David Toop (1975)
- Obscure No. 5: Voices and Instruments – Jan Steele, John Cage (1976)
- Obscure No. 6: Decay Music – Michael Nyman (1976)
- Obscure No. 7: Music from the Penguin Café – Members of the Penguin Café Orchestra (1976)
- Obscure No. 8: Machine Music – John White, Gavin Bryars (1978)
- Obscure No. 9: Irma – an opera by Tom Phillips, music by Gavin Bryars, libretto by Fred Orton (1978)
- Obscure No. 10: The Pavilion of Dreams – Harold Budd (1978)
David Bowie has been in a many interviews. YouTuber Bodacea1 has compiled the parts of each where Bowie gets shirty.
Davis is the demure “Hollyoaks babe” all set to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house and “dish the dirt” on former One Direction mumbler Zayn Malik.
The paper tells us that Stephanie and Zayn “secretly dated four years ago”.
The Sun: October 3 2011: “Zayn’s getting his Oaks – She’s in the fame game too so she understands what it’s like to have people interested in her private life. They’re very sweet together.”
Sky news anchor Kay Burley has a top tip for York City flood victims:
Over on Twitter, jobbing pundit and Alan Sugar Apprentice advisor Karren Brady has seen a picture of televised investor and Dirk Bogarde hair enthusiast Duncan Bannatyne and sniped to Sun readers: “For a seriously clever entrepreneur, Duncan Bannatyne is acting like a silly old fool. At 66 he has taken up with his second mid-30s partner this year and flaunts it by posting a hilariously repulsive picture, above, of him snogging this young lady.”
Bannatyne responded by tweeting, “Brady is a complete coward to attack my GF in this way. Total coward Brady.”
She was, of course, mocking him, as well she might.
But it is a little odd that Brady should find inter-generational love so repulsive. She works as Vice Chairman of West Ham United under Chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan. Gold’s daughter, Jacqueline Gold, was once married to a man 17 years her junior. Sullivan (born 1949) is married to a former glamour model (born 1965).
The young Karren Brady was appointed sales director of The Sunday Sport, the tits and football aid to masturbation disguised as a newspaper set up by Sullivan in 1986. The newspaper featured the Sunday Sport Adult Celebrity Comic!
Here’s a tasteful taster (NSFW):
Any similarities to Bannatyne and Brady are purely coincidental.
Have yourselves a happy Christmas, folks. Here are the top five Christmas songs written by Jews:
“White Christmas” – Written by Irving Berlin. Bing Crosby’s version is the bestselling single of all time
“The Christmas song” (“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”) – Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” – Sammy Cahn.
“Santa Baby” – written by Joan Javits.
“Winter Wonderland” – written in 1934 by Felix Bernard.
Take it away, Eartha Kitt:
Apex Entertainment’s feature movie Chappaquiddick is being talked about by its producer, Mark Ciardi. The Hollywood Reporter trails the trail thus:
On the eve of the moon landing, Senator Kennedy becomes entangled in a tragic car accident that results in the death of former Robert Kennedy campaign worker Mary Jo Kopechne.
Entangled? Read all about poor Ted here.
It’s TV’s Anton De Beke – and news of this 5-a-day.
Tabloid letter of the day:, as fond in the Daily Star:
At the 1988 Winter Olympics Edward “Eddie the Eagle” Edwards was one of the stars. Each one of his ski-jumps for Great Britain was must-see TV.
When Eddie soared.
What do we make of the news that glamour model Laura Carter had amay-zing sex with Justin Bieber? Carter is represented by model agency Profile Talent. Her 2016 calendar was released in October.
It was featured in the Daily Star:
You may know her from the Channel 4 show Young, Free and Single.
She’s a dancer and an actress originally from Leeds but now enjoying the bright lights of London…
Relationship history: Laura was all set for the fairy-tale celeb wedding, with an OK! magazine deal to boot, but her and Emmerdale star fiancé called the wedding off 2 months before the big day. Not to worry, she drowned her sorrows by apparently partying with Prince Harry in Dubai.
The long-term lover was actor Anthony Lewis.
She has acted. Her CV features parts in BBC TV’s Casualty and ITV’s Emmerdale. She has worked on adverts for Iceland and Mentos.
We now read Laura Carter’s story of sex with Bieber appeared in the Sun, which has featured other Profile Talent models.
In “My threesome with Justin Bieber: Singer beds Brit model in wild hotel romp”, readers learn:
A MODEL told yesterday how an X-rated game of truth or dare ended with her having a threesome with Justin Bieber. Laura Carter said sex with the singer was “amazing” and that naked pictures of him leaked online “did not do him justice”.
It’s a story of just how terrific Justin is.
Bieber, 21, picked out Laura on a nightclub dance floor after he headlined the Jingle Bell Ball at London’s O2 Arena on Sunday.
Then it was, as Laura claims, off to the “historic Rosewood hotel” (the hotel used to be offices for the Pearl Assurance Company from 1914 to 1989).
Laura, 30, says:
“I was taken to this huge room which had been kitted out with a massive sound system and there was booze everywhere. There were four boys and a group of ten girls, all really glamorous. The party was in full swing and Justin was showing off his dance moves. I wanted to take a selfie to show all my friends but security took my phone at the door and put it in a bucket. He said, ‘Right, girls, let’s play.’ He kissed one of the girls as a dare and that’s when it started to get on another level.”
Laura says she went into his bedroom:
“It was amazing and surreal. The lights were off and we started kissing against a wall. When I looked over to the bed there was another girl. I think she was American. They had clearly been doing something. We got on to the bed and all started fooling around together.”
The other woman left.
“We just had the most amazing sex. We’d stop for a while and have a cigarette together and a chat… Those naked pictures did not do him justice.”
Having heard the testimony about big Bieber, who listened attentively to Laura’s chat about herself, asking her question and showing genuine interest in her life, the Sun says, “The boozy drama will hit Bieber’s attempts to curb his bad-boy image.”
Which it’s precisely what it won’t do.
And then we get this:
The model, who bedded a pal of Prince Harry’s in Dubai in September, said: “A security guard invited me to his table with 20 other girls…”…
Laura has since followed him [Bieber] on Twitter in the hope they can meet up again, but he is yet to respond.
Such are the facts.
Today’s woman being pulled to pieces by Sarah Vine is Kate Middleton, aka the Duchess of Cambridge, who had the temerity to go shopping with non-bouncy hair, “eyes puffy and lined”, and looking “shattered”.
So bitchy and cruel is the Daily Mail’s front-page article that the only sensible deduction is that agent Vine is in the pay of the Royal Family, her job to make the newspapers look invasive and ugly, thus enabling heavily-styled man-with-the-common-touch Prince William to pontificate on press freedom without anyone thinking him a bit of a knob.
Vine’s schtick is to rip her target to pieces before reassembling them, in much the same way a torturer or abusive partner might do. She hopes her attack is the “wake-up call she [Kate] needs to finally do what everyone is probably begging her to do: slow down, stop being such a perfectionist and have a well-deserved rest. It is Christmas, after all.”
It is what Jesus would have wanted.
No sooner has the X Factor ended than the Daily Star is talking abut next season’s show. The front-page new is that George Michael is to be one of the show’s judges. If there’s one man who knows about the justice system it’s George.
And everyone wants him. Over two pages, readers learn that George is at the centre of a “bitter tug of war between the X Factor and the Voice”. If those are George’s only career options, if might be time to put in a call to Andrew Ridley.
It all reads like a PR missive, all the more so when the Star labels this season’s ratings “disastrous”. Everyone, we’re told, was watching the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing. But ITV, which broadcasts The X Factor, need not panic – give it a few months and we’ll all forget who won either show until they start presenting the things.
Over in the Mirror the front-page features this year’s amateur with the X Factor: Louisa Johnson. She is “£6m Louisa”, expected to earn that sum this year alone.
How good is she? Well, Simon Cowell licked his eyeballs and told Johnson, “You’re not human.” He did not make her an offer for her skin and hair, but give it time. Judge Rita Ora called her “gorgeous, gorgeous”. Rita’s fellow judge Nick Grimshaw says her singing is like a “smack in the face”. So. She’s the new Cheryl Cole, then. Toilet attendants have been notified.
The Express notices that Louisa is blonde. This makes her “angelic” in a way that Reggie and Bollie, whom Louis defeated to win the show, can never be. Angels are all blonde. Fact!
The Sun (“Lou Dunnit”) says Johnson can be as big as Leona Lewis, a former winner who has enjoyed 14 Top 40 singles since winning the show in 2006 – putting her up there with Jedward.