Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“COWELL Gang Rob Rita,” yells the Sun from its front page. Pop star Rita Ora looks out at readers, who gnash their teeth, clench their fist and curse Simon Cowell, for it is he, and his gang who rob a singer of her credibility with their Music to Botox By.
Reading on we learn that the Cowell gang are in actual fact thieves who robbed the TV judge. Now Rita has been hit by a “terrifying night-time burglary which police fear was carried out by the same gang who raided Simon Cowell’s mansion.”
Rita wasn’t at home when she crooks stuck, which rather tones down the terror. Add to that the news late in the story that the crime occurred before the raid on Cowell’s place, and you wonder why this old news is new news on the same day as the X Factor grand final?
In trailing the X Factor final, the Sun has focused on the show’s judges, regaling readers with a tale of Rita Ora’s breakaway breasts and now claims Cheryl Cole (as she must ever be) is having domestic troubles.
The front-page news is that Cheryl and her “hubby are on the rocks – Pals fear it’s Caused Gaunt Look.”
Gaunt? Like Jon Gaunt?
No – ho-ho. The Sun means her thinness, which could be linked to her relations with husband Jean-Bernard.
Cheryl is “fragile”. JB, as he’s known, hasn’t ben seen at a recording of the X Factor. In a list of things that could test a marriage, watching your other half say ‘wow’ and ‘amazing’ every week in a televised marketing campaign is right up there, beaten only, perhaps, by inviting John Terry over for tea and biscuits.
Unsure what to make of it all, we turn to the Sun’s Fan Wootton, who assures us, “Cheryl a fighter”. Well, she does have some history as a lightweight…
Tabloid news of the day: “Sheridan Smith’s Fanny brims with self belief.” *
Smith is playing Fanny Brice in the Funny Girl musical.
Former Chelsea footballer Frank Lampard is to marry “TV’s” Christine Bleakley. The Sun’s unnamed source says it will be a “star-studded bash” at London’s The Arts Club.
A few months ago, the Mirror’s 3am Girls told us it wold be “small do”.
The Belfast Telegraph told us it would be a “big wedding”.
The Telegraph also stated the pair would marry last year.
But topping the lot is Closer magazine, which said Christine and Frank would marry in 2013. It reported in May 2013:
After revealing that “2013 would be the year” she marries her fiancé Frank Lampard, Christine Bleakley has told her inner circle that she doesn’t want the footballer’s ex, Elen Rivas, to know her wedding plans…
Insiders add that Christine has started planning a hen party in Dubai, so she’s “tanned and well-rested” for the ceremony. A pal adds: “She says her dress will be vintage. She’s excited and has said: ‘I’m becoming a stepmum and wife on the same day! The girls are as important to me as Frank is.’”
Makes you wonder if those ‘insiders’ know anymore than the tabloid outsiders?
As Frank told ITV in 2013: “We never had any wedding kind of planned but we certainly are going to get married. But we’d love to do it when no one knows and we’re just done. That’ll be our style, I think.”
Such are the facts.
Big news in the Sun, whereon Rita Ora is trailing the X Factor grand final – and pointing to what this year’s winner can expect from pop stardom:
“RITA – I’ve lost count of times my boobs popped out”.
It’s sensational front-page news – with a key pulled quote from a two-page interview – that has Sun readers asking, ‘Popped out.. for a curry / to the shops?’ And, moreover, what of ‘nipped out’, which certainly lends itself to a better pun.
We’d leave it there, but spread like a bikini-clad St. Agatha over pages 12 and 13, Rita has more news of her wayward, fresh-air-seeking breasts.
X Factor judge Rita Ora is becoming as famous for her unruly boobs as she is for her singing career.
Rita’s music might be middle-of -the road, but her tits are most certainly punk.
But she doesn’t care and admits she has lost count of the times her nipples have accidentally gone on display.
Gone on display? As in been exhibited, perhaps, in a museum or on Simon Cowell’s mantelpiece? Says Rita:
“It’s fun. It has happened to me lots so I am not paranoid about it anymore. You end up losing track of them.”
Here’s a tip, Rita: why not keep tabs on your boobs by making your next tattoo a barcode. If your breasts gets out, then call UPS and have them trace your primary female characteristics and pick them them – making sure your in between the hours of 8am and 5pm.
Pixee Fox found a surgeon willing to remove six of her ribs so that she could look more like cartoon figures, such as Tinker Bell, Sleeping Beauty,
Fred Flintstone and Jessica Rabbit.
Fox now boasts a 16-inch waist, which she hopes to slim down to 14 inches.
Pixee’s nose, eyelids, buttocks, lips, eyebrows, labia and cheeks are all surgery assisted.
Oh, yeah, and her massive chest, too:
This week we learnt that TV chef Ainsley Harriott is also Lenny Henry. Who knew? ITV did. As Henry received his knighthood from Her Majesty, the broadcaster showed footage of the one-man double-act’s career:
— Dean (@dean6345) December 4, 2015
Of course, the two men are not the same man.
RT MoneerElfwick: ‘itvnews: Lenny Henry, emotional after receiving his knighthood.’ pic.twitter.com/K1TAMR0m8R
— Richard Davidson (@RichardDavid_1) December 4, 2015
— David Lammy (@DavidLammy) December 4, 2015
Whoops! A spokesperson for ITV News went on the record:
“ITV News apologises for the error broadcast in the lunchtime news package today regarding Sir Lenny Henry’s knighthood at the palace. This was the result of an error in the production process in a piece intended to celebrate Sir Lenny’s significant achievements in British entertainment.”
Before praising he man’s cooking and big smile.
An incredibly creepy Christian kids song for Christmas. Linda Blair is away:
For two days the Daily Mail has published this photograph of TV chef Gordon Ramsay’s four children: Jack, 16, Matilda, 14, Holly, 16, and Megan, 17. It was twins Jack and Holly’s joint 16th birthday party, and the family were dolled up for a party.
The Mail’s Sam Creighton said the children had been the victims of “online attacks”. Well, not the children so much as the three females, who had their outfits appraised by sweet Sam. Cop a load of “14-year-old Matilda, wearing a black-and-white crop top with matching short skirt”, oozed Sam (age on application).
One day on and Sarah Vine, aka Mrs Michael Gove MP, is offering her opinion on the outfits. As you can see, Jack has been cropped from the family photo. Sarah opines:
Poor Gordon Ramsay – now there’s three words I never thought I’d write. The 49-year-old chef posted what he thought was an innocent picture of his children on a night out – and was hit by a tsunami of online criticism about his parenting skills. The problem was the girls’ outfits. Matilda, 14, in a stripy crop top and skater skirt; Holly, 16, in a slip of a sequin dress; and Megan, 17, also in a crop top and spangly mini-skirt.
‘Way too much skin,’ observed one critic; ‘keep their innocence a little longer’ suggested another; ‘those are some short skirts,’ said a third. I can certainly see what they mean…
The online comments which will have cut Ramsay most deeply, the ones that prey on every protective dad’s (and mother’s) darkest fears, are the ones that said his daughters looked like ‘hoochies’ — slang for promiscuous young girls.
Having sympathised with those online attackers, Vine concedes:
…today it’s different in a way I’m only beginning to understand. The pressure to look a certain way is so much more intense. When I was a teenager, you hardly ever saw a photo of yourself. But in the age of photo-sharing apps such as Instagram, girls are constantly reviewing and analysing their appearance.
To say nothing of the horror of being analysed by middle-aged moralists in the Daily Mail, which she doesn’t.
Jamie Vardy, Leicester City’s can’t-stop-scoring striker, is to star in a Hollywood film, says the Sun. Well, not him, but an actor playing the 28-year-old footballer.
And who might that actor be? Well, the Sun lines up Robert Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and Zac Efron.
To which the first question is: has anyone in Hollywood seen Jamie Vardy?
And then the season question: is Vardy’s catchphrase ‘Chat Shit Get Banged’ a working title?
Cynthia Robinson has died of cancer. The musician played trumpet with Sly And The Family Stone Roots drummer Questlove salutes her life:
… she wasn’t just a screaming cheerleading foil to Sly & Freddie’s gospel vocals. She was a KICK ASS trumpet player. A crucial intricate part of Sly Stone’s utopian vision of MLK’s America. Cynthia’s role in music history isn’t celebrated enough. Her & sister Rose weren’t just pretty accessories there to “coo” & “shoo wop shoo bob” while the boys got the glory. Naw. They took names and kicked ass while you were dancing in the aisle. Much respect to amazing CynthiaRobinson.
This video show Robinson and the Family in 1968:
When the Independent vowed to say no more on former reality TV contestant Katie Hopkins’s to-deadline polemics, we wondered if it would last. The paper’s story, headlined “Dear Katie Hopkins”, was an Indy manifesto:
“You don’t know us, but sometimes you retweet the articles we write about you. You might retweet this one, who knows. We’re writing today to say we’re ignoring you from now on.”
The open letter contained links to six Indy articles on outrageous things Katie Hopkins had uttered in other publications and social media. It was pretty clear that when Katie spoke, the Indy listened. But no more. That was then.
So how many articles has the Indy produced on Things Katie Hopkins Says since its open letter of September 25?
Answer : 26.
Why don’t they just employ her and cut out the middleman?
On December 2014, Cher had three months to live, reported the National Enquirer.
Seven months later Cher was dead.
Cher is not dead.
Angelina Jolie weighs 83lbs. We know this because the National Enquirer leads with the weighty issue on its cover page. The NE loves to talk about Jolie’s weight. Her love-rival, former Mrs Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, sucks the tabloid straw marked ‘Womb News”; Angelina gets “Thin” and “Death”. Brad, well, no-one ever mentions his luxuriant, post-ubiquitous-hat age-defying hair, odd for a middle-aged man seemingly in a state of perpetual “WORRY”.
Lest anyone reading think 83lbs an enviable weight, the NE tells us that Jolie has been on the wrong end of a “Doc’s DEADLY DIAGNOSIS”. It is a “heartbreaking medical crisis”. And Jolie’s not going alone or quietly because Brad Pitt “fears she’s a ‘WALKING TIME BOMB’.
In We Gotta Get Out of This Place: The Soundtrack of the Vietnam War, Doug Bradley and Craig Werner, professor of Afro-American studies at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, narrate the story of the music that whirled about the heads of American fighters.
Women-baiting Sarah Vine is talking about “pushy parents” in her Daily Mail column.
Excuse me while I perform a quick victory jig. A little wiggle of delight. Why? Because a new study reveals that being a pushy parent can actually harm a child’s chances of success in life….
Their ambitions arise out of pure vanity — because it’s all about them, you see. They believe the performance of their offspring directly reflects on them.
Not that Vine would ever be a pushy parent. You can read about how un-pushy Sarah is all over the media:
“Life lesson: Sarah Vine is pictured with her 11-year-old daughter Beatrice and nine-year-old son William” – Daily Mail
“Both my husband and six-year-old son are huge Smiths fans. We have The Sound Of The Smiths in the car CD changer, and on family outings it’s a popular request from the back. And yes, there is singing along” – Times
“One of Beatrice’s own teachers went on strike and then she said that she saw him on Newsround holding a banner going ‘Michael Gove out’ which I think is quite a strange experience for a small child – and I don’t know how it’s going to affect them at all. Part of me wants to put them on a plane to go and live with my mother in Italy, but part of me thinks it will make them tougher… I do think at some point there is going to be payback” – Ham & High
Vine said Beatrice was writing a book about a boy who flies away to “a land without bullies” – Telegraph
Like thousands of families across the UK with children in Year 6, we found out on Monday evening which state secondary our daughter Beatrice, age 10, will be attending. Unlike most other families, however, our choice of school made the news.
This is because Beatrice’s father (for her sins) is not only the current education secretary but also, it transpires, the first ever Conservative education secretary to enrol a child in a state-funded secondary school.
Don’t get me wrong: Grey Coat Hospital Church of England Comprehensive School for Girls (in Westminster) is not exactly Sinkhouse High. It’s an amazing school, rated outstanding by Ofsted. It was the first one we went to visit, back in 2012 when we started thinking about secondaries – Guardian
And this gem:
Michael Gove’s nine-year-old daughter has been pulled out of her ballet classes because of fears that they were making her worry about her weight. The Education Secretary’s wife, Sarah Vine, says she took the decision after Beatrice did not want to eat on the days that she was due to attend the dance lessons.
“It began when she mentioned that some of the girls in her group were better than her, even though they hadn’t been doing ballet as long, because ‘they were more the right size’. Another time, I collected my daughter, customary lollipop in hand (our little ritual), and she refused it. When I asked why, she just said she didn’t want to talk about it. She started complaining of a tummy ache on the days when she had classes.
Then she wanted to wear her old leotard, the one that’s too small for her. She clearly felt that if she could fit into a smaller size, that would be a good thing. That was the final straw. What used to be a fun way of exercising and a good excuse for a floaty skirt and a bit of glitter had become a stressful and somewhat sinister ordeal.”
The columnist, who lives with Gove and their two children in North Kensington, adds: “I only hope I’ve caught the rot early enough.”
You can read about Vine and the rot of making women and girls fret about their weight in her Daily Mail column:
Not such a Klass act
Universal excitement as Jorgie Porter, the pretty, sexy, young one in this year’s I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!, changed into a transparent white bathing costume for that all-important Myleene Klass memorial jungle shower moment.
And briefly, it looked like it was going to be a triumph for the 27-year-old Hollyoaks star: the swept back wet hair, the mouth dripping with water, the half-closed eyes.
And then … the legs. And there all similarities with Myleene Klass end.
Ah, there is a God after all!
You just know who gets to play God at Sarah’s school play…
Did you catch Jodie Marsh Is Exposed Online? It’s on TLC, and it features the fragrant beauty striking a blow for privacy. The blurb tells us:
10 years ago Revenge Porn barely existed, but now thanks to a combination of smart phones and social media, it’s a term that is becoming more and more familiar, with victims ranging from Celebrities to school kids.
Jodie, the subject of bullying throughout her school years, was herself was a victim of an online stalker until recently, so can relate to how it feels to be ‘virtually’ harassed and victimised. She’s also confessed to taking intimate pictures of herself for former partners.
But how does it feel when someone posts images or videos of you doing the most intimate things imaginable, online, for the world to see?
In this film Jodie will talk to victims to see how devastating the effects can be and looks at what is being done to prevent this heinous crime. She’ll talk to tech experts and hackers to highlight how easy it is to hack into our private lives and she’ll meet the perpetrators face to face to see what motivates them to invade someone’s privacy and then share it with the world.
Kiss ‘n’ tell is a low act. But is Marsh the best person to highlight the issue?
In 2009, Marsh wore a T-shirt showing scores of her conquests out of 10.
The same Marsh, reportedly, told the News of The World about one former flame, Blue’s Antony Costa:
“He’s VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY small,the smallest I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m talking like maybe two inches tops. I must be really unlucky when it comes to men’s willies because I always seem to get really small ones. Antony’s very self-conscious about his and tried to make out that it wasn’t a tiddler. But I could tell straight away. It’s not just a little bit small, it’s like a button mushroom.”
Can it be that, as the Mail reports, Charlie Sheen will announce that he is HIV positive on The Today Show?
NBC says Sheen will make a “revealing personal announcement”.
The story goes that Sheen’s interview is scheduled one day before a National Enquirer investigation claims the actor has the virus and, as the Daily Mail alleges, Sheen spent “$5 million to keep the news that he had HIV ‘silent.’”
“Charlie had sex with multiple partners since learning his HIV status without informing them of his potentially deadly HIV infection,” one source told The ENQUIRER.
Adult film star Scottine Ross, who an insider noted didn’t know of Sheen’s HIV status for four months while they had unprotected sex, railed against her ex-fiancé in a video provided to The ENQUIRER: “You exposed me to HIV for a year and a half!” she blasted.
Now Sheen, who doesn’t know how he contracted the virus, “has been tortured by the thought that his acting genius will be forgotten,” explained a source. “Charlie’s worst fear is that he will be remembered not as a great actor, but as someone who contracted the disease.”
Now read on…
Caitlyn Jenner is telling Buzzfeed of “The Moment She Felt Most Proud To Be A Woman In 2015”.
Jenner, patriarch of the Jenner-Kardashian clan, is now an estranged matriach of that same televised tribe, having become a woman and divorced Kris Jenner. His body changed, but did his mind. Because it sounds not a lot unlike Jenner is mansplaining womanhood to, er, women. Not that the Buzzfeed team noticed, telling readers:
We sat down with Caitlyn Jenner backstage at Carnegie Hall to hear her brilliant words of wisdom, and, unsurprisingly, it was incredibly inspiring.
No fewer than three Buzzfeed journalists gave Jenner an audience – and, boy, were Kristin Harris, Whitney Jefferson, Sydney Scott wowed.
Them: “What was the moment that you felt most proud to be a woman in 2015?”
CJ: “Over the last six months it’s really been a progression. I have found that women have so much unleashed power that they don’t really utilize because they don’t have confidence in themselves about who they are, and what they can do. I have always actually been with and attracted to very strong women, and I think I’ve learned a lot from them. The power of the woman has just not even been unleashed around the world.”
Good job a it wasn’t a man saying that because he’d run the risk of coming across as patronising. And Caitlyn’s not finished.
CJ: “I think that’s to come, but I think that’s gonna come from confidence as these women grow up and get in better positions of authority — I think that will come. So, I am SO glad to be on this team and help it along!”
You see, girls. To get ahead and better understand yourselves you need more men. It was ever the way.
The final words are theses.
CJ: “The hardest part about being a woman is figuring out what to wear.”
Over to you, Marc Jacobs…
Subtitle screw up of the day:
Sky News subtitles were running over an item on dress size changes over the past 20 years. The item was a day late lift on a Daily Mail story. The claim is a 10 dress size today would have been a 14 a couple of decades ago.
A gushing Sky commentator repeats the Mail’s headline which compared Kim Kardashian to the ultimate blonde bombshell which was converted by Sky’s superfast text translator as:
” Like comparing Marilyn Monroe to Kincardineshire“
Works for me… both attractive and dead
The deeply unfashionable cardigan wort by Kurt Cobain on MTV: Unplugged in 1993 has been bought at auction for $140,800. The seller was a “friend” of the Cobain family.
Four months after the show, Cobain committed suicide.
Julien’s “Icons and Idols: Rock N Roll” auction advertised it thus:
A blend of acrylic, mohair and Lycra with five-button closure (one button absent), with two exterior pockets, a burn hole and discoloration near left pocket and discoloration on right pocket.
Stoney Emshwiller was 18 when he recorded himself filming his older self. Now age 56, Stoney completes the wheel by replying to his younger self’s questions. His film is called Later That Same Life.
It ‘s the time travel talkshow:
Listen to The Ronettes sing Baby Love You in 1963 – no instruments. Just the sweet voices: