Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THE BBC have made a charity single and that’s a nice thing. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t take the piss. The record – an all-star version of the Beach Boys’ ‘God Only Knows’ – is for Children In Need and isn’t unlike the BBC All-Star version of ‘Perfect Day’, a song about being on smack.
And so, here at Anorak, we’re doing a play-by-play of the video, looking at the deeper meaning behind the video and generally rinsing anyone involved in it.
Of course, with these grand affairs, you have to put a Marks & Spencer Christmas Advert sheen on everything, which means Victoriana and some pointless classical music bollocks.
The BBC don’t disappoint, kicking things off with a bearded conductor and an orchestra piddling about with their instruments.
Then, before you know it, the stars come rolling out thick and fast, headed up by Pharrell who, even though we’re in the throes of Autumn’s mental weather, is still showing off his aversion to socks. The lunatic.
THE film Idiocracy features perverted corporate logos created by Ellen Lampl. She tells TriviaHappy:
“A visual vernacular fusion of Nascar, candy packaging, Mexico handpainted signs and Japanese pop culture…
“Sometimes in comedy, graphics are the straight man. But, in Idiocracy, we let it be absurd, as part of the experience. We realized that life in its present state already had tendencies towards the ridiculous—branding seeps in everywhere—so we let it be over the top.”
DANNY Baker tells Radio Times readers about the time he asked Harry Enfield if he had any new characters. Enfield did. He’d created Frank Doberman, who told Baker: “Oi, Baker, no! You may think you’re the heir to the late-night talk-show crown, but to me you’ll always be a loud-mouthed, talentless, balding…”
YOU pick your heroes. Former N-Dubz singer Dappy, real name Costadinos Contostavlos, poses for a photograph with a young boy after his sentencing was deferred at Reading Magistrates’ Court.
Dappy has had his sentencing adjourned for punching a man in a row over a woman at a nightclub. The singer attacked Devonn Reid, who told him to stop talking to his female friend and girlfriend, at Evissa in Reading on 6 October last year.
District Judge Davinder Lachhar sent the case to Guildford Crown Court for sentencing.
She said this was because Dappy was given a six-month suspended sentence at the court in 2013.
The singer, who was found guilty of the nightclub assault last month under his real name Costadinos Contostavlos, was given the suspended sentence after being convicted of affray and assault at a Guildford petrol station in 2012.
EVER filmed a Hollyood sex scene?
Joe Carnahan filmed one for his new film Stretch. To help us understand the process, he’s released this behind-the-scenes video of the film’s fast-forward-to scene. You will see Brooklyn Decker and Patrick Wilson getting into the loving zoone and then engaging in the full 10 seconds dry-humping coitus.
UNCLE Monty’s 1953 Silver Wraith by Hooper & Co.is for sale. Last seen in the wonderful film Withnail and I, this is your chance to live the dream.
Mr Gulbenkian is profiled:
“I’ve been retired all my life,” explains Nubar Gulbenkian, now 69. “but I’ve also been working hard all my life. A fortune does not look after itself, after all.” The fortune Gulbenkian refers to is one of the largest in the world. He inherited it from his legendary father, Calouste; who was nicknamed “Mr. Five Percent” because that was his usual cut on Middle Eastern oil and who owned possibly the world’s greatest art collection. Nubar, an Armenian, was exported in a Gladstone bag from his birthplace in Turkey, a land then inhospitable to Armenians, when he was only a few weeks old. Educated in England and France, he has been married three times and would be an impressive figure, even if he lacked his father’s business acumen (which he doesn’t), for his stupendous eyebrows, well trimmed beard, monocle and a habit of inserting into his lapel every morning a fresh orchid, the color chosen to suit the occasion. He has just written an autobiography, Portrait In Oil (Simon & Schuster), in which he discusses not only his finances but his voracious appetite for preferred pleasures like foxhunting, riding, food, drink, the odes of Horace, and driving, which he took up shortly after his 65th birthday. “If something is too much of a bore to do thoroughly and with zest,” says Gulbenkian, “then don’t bother to do it at all.”
When asked whether he most enjoys city life or country life, horses or Rolls-Royces, old brandy or young women, Nubar Gulbenkian reflectively strokes his luxuriant beard, puffs deeply on his cigar and makes a simple affirmation of love for the business of good living: “I prefer everything.”
For £250000 o.n.o, you get a long wheelbase, coach built, 4.5litre vehicle one off with snakeskin trim, electic windows, Sedanca de Ville style roof, air con. and a speedometer in the back, so allowing Gulbenkian to keep tabs on his chauffeur and ensure he drove quickly.
Bid at Frank Dale & Stepsons.
BBC Top Gear was filming in Argentina for one of its Funny Foreigners travelogues. Sidekicks James May and Richard Hammond were driving an old Lotus Esprit and a Mustang, but their leader, Jeremy Clarkson, the to-deadline controversy maker who likes shouting at people, was driving a Porsche 928, with a number plate referencing the Falkland Islands and 1982, the year of Britain’s war with Argentina (number plate H982 FKL).
For some mad reason people who had lost loved ones in that war thought it a tad boorish and taunting. They noticed the stunt. Top Gear mattered and was entertaining. Job done.
But some locals reacted with violence. And Clarkson was unnerved:
“I’ve been to Iraq and Afghanistan, but this was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever been involved in. There were hundreds of them. They were hurling rocks and bricks at our cars. This is not just some kind of jolly Top Gear jape – this was deadly serious.”
SLIPKNOT sacked drummer Joey Jordison, by singing telegram. As he says:
“I was sitting in my living room playing Skyrim, when there was a knock at my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I was like, ‘Who could that be?’. I opened the door to find a guy in what looked like an old-fashioned elevator boy outfit. He did a little jig and started to sing this horrible song letting me know I’d been let go from the group.”
ONE of the big problems with feminism is that women like to spend great chunks of the debate, attacking each other. Of course, any movement needs criticism to adapt and sharpen the mind for future debates, but isn’t it a bit sad to see women trying to pull other women down, when ostensibly, their aims are the same?
And so to Annie Lennox, who said that she isn’t very impressed with Beyonce calling herself a feminist.
LIFE mirrors The Produers:
Charles Manson: Summer of Hate – The Musical just opened at Hamburg, Germany’s Thalia Theater.
The Los Angeles Times calls it “musical trip between L.A. and the Death Valley”.
The songs are in English and spoken dialogue in German.
Kicked out! Even the great and the good are sometimes expelled from school…
Percy Bysshe Shelley
The legendary Romantic poet attended Eton College, where he refused to take part in fagging and was mercilessly bullied. Despite giving electric shocks to his tutor and blowing up a tree with gunpowder, he was not actually expelled. That came later, when he was sent down from Oxford for scandalising the place with his atheistic writings.
Nothing clever about the great man’s behaviour. Initially suspected of being ‘retarded’, he was eventually expelled for the effect his bad attitude was having on classmates.
Expelled from Brentwood boarding school school at the age of 13, then sent to borstal two years later, where he ‘had a great time’.
Like father, like daughter. Expelled from an impressive selection of the country’s most expensive schools, usually for drinking, smoking, and ‘doing things that I shouldn’t have been doing with boys that I shouldn’t have been doing’.
Expelled from the prestigious Phillips Academy, although there are differing versions of this. Reasons given include throwing the headmaster (or a groundsman) into a lake, smoking and drinking, low academic performance and insulting the staff.
Expelled from Fairfield Secondary and Higher Grade School for climbing a wall into the girls’ toilets with a friend.
Expelled from the Academy of Art in Madrid for ‘disturbing the peace’ and criticising one of the professors. In his opinion none of the staff was qualified to judge his work.
Expelled aged 15 from Eltham Green, where he truanted regularly. ‘My parents had no idea, because I used to intercept all the teachers’ letters,’ he recalled. ‘In the end they sent around 55 letters, so my mum finally found out I hadn’t been to school for seven weeks.’
‘I was expelled from school for making a pornographic film,’ he said. ‘I was just a young boy in Wisconsin; anything to get out of there.’
Expelled at the age of 10 from Southern Cleveland Elementary School in California, for indecent exposure.
Nothing Earth-shattering: expelled for smoking and truanting.
According to Branson’s own version of events, he was attending Scaitcliffe boarding school when, aged 13, he was caught sneaking out of the bedroom of the headmaster’s 18-year-old daughter: ‘The headmaster rang my dad and said to come and pick me up the next day. So I wrote this suicide note to someone I knew would open it immediately and go straight to the headmaster.’
Meanwhile he went to a nearby cliff-top, at which point the note was found, and he accepted the headmaster’s offer of a beating instead of expulsion.
Kicked out of Northridge Military Academy for hitting a classmate on the head with a tyre.
Expelled from Stanbridge Earls School at the age of 15. He says it was for drug use was the reason, although his father says it was for ‘cutting class and entertaining a girl in his room’.
Famously expelled for piercing her nose… or was she? Her former headmistress, Sylvia Young, says this is a myth, although she was disruptive and did insist on wearing prohibited earrings. ‘I feel sad that Amy thought she’d been expelled,’ said Sylvia. ‘I would never have expelled her.’
The Queen of the bonkbusters was expelled, at 15, from Francis Holland School for truancy, smoking, and selling copies of her own dirty limericks.
When a fellow pupil at John Henry Newman School was attacked by a gang, Lewis was mistakenly identified and expelled. He was later reinstated and received an apology from the authorities.
YOU can strop the music….
We know Donald Trump is a bit thick, but today he excelled himself… and that’s saying something.
In the past, he’s spat that Barack Obama isn’t a real American, demanding to see passports and all that, while back in the ’70s, he was accused of being a massive racist when he called for the death penalty in full page adverts of three black teenagers who were accused of raping a jogger, but exonerated. Oh, and in a book, John R. O’Donnell – former president of Trump Plaza Hotel & Casino – said that Donald once uttered that “laziness is a trait in blacks”.
This isn’t all old news though. Only last year, Trump tweeted that: “According to Bill O’Reilly, 80% of all the shootings in New York City are blacks-if you add Hispanics, that figure goes to 98%, 1% white”.
He’s also made wild claims that vaccines are related to autism, which has been proven to be a complete crock.
SCREEN siren Brigitte Bardot is 80:
STOP Press: Sir Roger Moore clarifies and corrects an earlier Torquay Herald Express exclusive. The former Mr James Bond did not eat Scotch Egg on the Devon costa:
He shunned the Scotch Egg…
JASMINE Tridevil is the women with a foam pillow trapped between her pneumatic breasts. But to the Sun she continues to be the “3-boob model”. And today we read that she “made me live in cage as sex slave”.
Michael Squier, 18, reveals that “three-breasted” model Alisha Hessler etchyed the word “Jasmine, into his chest with a steak knife”.
He says he tied him up, tortured him, forced to sleep in a dog’s cage, wear a dog collar and live as a slave in the house in Tampa, Florida.
BIG news from the world of showbiz – big enough to take over the Sun ‘s front page: Jason Orange has quit Take That.
THE MOBO Awards have doled out their nominations, inevitably prompting spectacularly thick people to say “WHY DON’T WE GET A MOWO AWARDS EH?” Classical music awards are exactly that, you berk.
Anyway, Sam Smith and Krept & Konan lead this year’s nominations with three nods each and the event will take place at the SSE Arena, Wembley on October 22nd, which is pretty fancy for it’s 19th year in business.
As well as Krept & Konan and Sam Smith, Fuse ODG, Beyonce, Meridian Dan, Tinie Tempah, FKA Twigs, Katy B, Chris Brown, Kendrick Lamar and MNEK get a look-in too.
In even better news, the ceremony will be broadcast on ITV2 this year.
Discussing the news, MOBO founder Kanya King said: “As we enter our 19th year, the MOBO Awards show promises to be bigger and more audacious than ever. This year’s nominees represent an incredible crop of artists. I find it particularly exciting to see so many underground artists featured, who’ve reached new heights over the last year and broken into the wider consciousness.”
“It’s testament to their talent and their determination to succeed and we are very proud to witness their successes to date. This year’s show at Wembley is set to be nothing short of spectacular”.
If you fancy a flutter, we’re going to arrogantly predict who will win. If you land a big bet, we want a round of drinks off you. We’re not kidding.
There’s a very strong bunch of nominees, so let’s have a look.
HATS of to the Sun for its front-page report on Dave Lee Travis. It’s a great headline.
The former BBC Radio 1 DJ has been found guilty of groping a TV researcher’s breasts almost 20 years ago.
EMMA Watson has addressed the UN group on women’s rights and gender equality. The Daily Mail reacted in typcial style, praising Watson’s belt. But what of the Mail’s copycat paper, the Telegraph?
Tom Pride finds it beyond parody:
How on earth are satirists supposed to compete when Daily Telegraph feature writers are coming up with gems like this:
SO. How does the Daily Mail report on Emma Watson’s appearance at a UN sexual equality do? Watson added impetus to the UN’s HeForShe campaign, which aims to involve men in tackling gender inequality and discrimination.
The HeForShe Commitment
Gender equality is not only a women’s issue, it is a human rights issue that requires my participation. I commit to take action against all forms of violence and discrimination faced by women and girls.
So. what did she say?
HAVING realised that two fake Jordans is hackneyed, Alisha Hessler got three boobs and changed her name to Jasmine Trivdevil.
The Sun has shared a few words with the model – although the paper’s “exclusive” lacks any of the details we found out abut the newest sensation, such as her police booking photo for an alleged fraud, a bout of man-shaming (a crime that happened because she – and only she – said it had) and a massage with with a Happy Meal.
FACES of the day:
Two Lemurs (Lee and Monty) of the kind featured in the animated film Madagascar 2 visit the celebrity waxworks, including Amy Winehouse and Nicole Kidman, at Madame Tussauds in central London. Picture date: Thursday December 4, 2008.
Nothing odd about any of that…