Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Grumpy Cat has earned its owner £64m.
Well, so says the Daily Express, which spoke with Grump Cat’s owner Tabatha Bundesen of Morristown, Arizona.
Grumpy Cat, real name Tardar Source “has made £64 million from an array of products, including bestselling books and a film”.
The Telegraph repeats the claim without any doubt, stating:
Oh, yes he did: Lionel Blair is not appearing in panto because all adults are suspected sex criminals
Lionel Blair is not appearing in panto. He explains why:
Case one: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang:
‘There was this one little boy who used to come up to me every night to give me a hug and in the end I had to say to the matron, ‘I love him but will you please stop him doing that? It only takes one stagehand to say ‘Lionel Blair is touching the kids backstage’ and that’s your career over. So I had to stop it. It’s awful, so sad, because I adore children.”
Case 2: Oh, no he didn’t. Lionel asked a seven-year-old boy his name at a Stockport panto.
Boy: “If you touch my nuts, you’re dead.”
Traditional names are best…
Why is Benedict Cumberbatch “glum”? The Daily Express tells readers:
Missing Sophie? Benedict Cumberbatch looks glum as he arrives at LAX airport
Princess Beatrice has been ‘HACKED”.
Not to death. Her phone calls have been recorded. This hacking has to do with her salary.
As the Mirror reports:
Hackers working for North Korea are thought to have been behind the security breach in revenge for a new film The Interview, starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. It mocks the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.
Burt Reynolds is selling the 1977 Pontiac Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit – billed as “maybe the coolest car ever”. It isn’t. But if that doesn’t take your fancy, Burt Reynolds is clearing out lots of other stuff, including numerous guns (mostly non-firing), horse tack, a treasure chest of trophies and lots of artworks of his goodself.
Shop until you drop at Julien’s Auctions:
Book of the day is the 1979 tome, God’ll Fix It, the divine words of Sir Jimmy Savile.
The chapter How Do I Cope With Sex? , told readers:
Sex at its worst is corruption, as when young people might be corrupted to provide sex.’
The final word is with the Star:
Daily Mail sexism: Kate Moss’ knees are ‘cursed by Voldemort’, Madonna and Demi Moore wear Satan’s skin
BREAKING NEWS in the Daily Mail: Harry Wallop notes:
BREAKING. Kate Moss’s knees have been ‘cursed by Voldemort’. Daily Mail has the scoop.
Previously, the Mail has highlighted the aging process on…
Russell Brand is to sue the Sun. He’s done it before. He’s a comedian. You need to remebrs that as you see the media noise he creates.
In April 2014, Russell Brand has won libel damages from the Sun newspaper. In November 2013, the Sun on Sunday led with a claim that Brand had cheated on girlfriend Jemima Khan with a glamour model.
The Sun settled with Brand out of court. He tweeted:
I got some money suing The S*n who lied about me. I am making a donation to the #JFT96 campaign. A tiny piece of justice.
— Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) April 15, 2014
We love this. Patrick Smith has used BBC Five Live’s film critic Mark Kermode’s bon mots as film poster reviews.
Early Sunday morning, two of Shia LaBeouf’s creative collaborators, Nastja Säde Rönkkö and Luke Turner, tweeted some clarifications about the actor’s claim that he was raped during his #IAMSORRY project. (LaBeouf told Dazed that a female audience member “whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me” during an early February performance.) Rönkkö wrote that as “soon as we were aware of the incident, we put a stop to it and ensured the woman left.”
Why should an alelged male victim be discounted without question?
So. You want to know how much Russell Brand’s house costs:
Much excitement at Anorak Towers are we open the flaps on the first One Direction advent calendar window.
The first flaps are situated on Niall Horan’s backside.
Five boys one runny cip.
Did you hear the news that Christopher Plummer is dead?
Plummer, famous for acting in The Sound Of Music and The Girl with the Dragon Tattooius 84. To obituary writers thart places him in the file marked ‘Soon’. But it’s not soon enough for one People magazine scribe, who announced the star’s death:
He died “TK in TK”.
Jobbing internet Aunt Sally, Katie Hopkins, has checked the news cycle and noticed that X Factor boyband range the Stereo Kicks are on the news.
Katie Hopkins pressess ‘f1′ on her kayboard and calls them names. And they respond.
Tom is the one stoody by the other one.
“Why make yourself look a grotesque caricature of yourself? They don’t fool anyone. They look like pathetic, insecure creatures… I don’t mean to be critical, and I understand that actresses feel the pressure in Hollywood. They have to do it. I respect that and I feel sorry for them that they have to do it.
“But for normal women to do it? If men want to leave their wife for a 19-year-old, they’re gonna do it anyway. All the facelifts and Botox in the world isn’t going to change that guy, you know?”
Manchester United manager Louis Van Gaal has been lampooned by Dutch actress Carice van Houten, chiefly famous for being the Red Priestess Melisandre in Game Of Thrones.
Did you see the stories about Mini-Me Vern Troyer and ‘the blonde”? Yesterday the Mail and others published a photograph of Troyer at Leeds United FC.
He was there with Eleonora Cellino, daughter of United’s owner Massimo Cellino.
It might come as shock to many Troyer and Leeds watchers that ‘the blonde’ has a name.
Another Sun on Sunday weekend and with it comes another story of how one member of the X Factor Stereo Kick range “dipped his wick 3 times a night”.
STEREO Kicks singer Casey Johnson bedded a girl three times in a hotel room after a night out clubbing.
I once watched The Alarm get pelted with bottles, cans and at least three big ceremaic cider jugs. They played on. Terry Hall, of The Specials, isn’t going to take it. When a face in the crowd at Nottingham Rock City tosses a can towards the stage, Hall reacts.
Language is very spicy. You’ve been warned.
Bill Cosby is under the cosh. The actor who played cuddly Cliff Huxtable in the Eighties – a kind of safe suburban Black Man Can Jumpers – is accused of being a rapist.
No trial. Now arrest. No charges. Bill Cosby says he’s innocent. He says:
“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos.”
But the media is onto him. CNN declares:
From TV dad to accused sexual predator
Celebrity chef Jack Monroe’s most recent story for The Guardian tells readers:
pizza with kale pesto recipe – I make a lot of pizza for the kids as a treat – and don’t feel at all guilty about sneaking wholemeal flour into the base and vegetables on top.
If the woman who cooks to a budget (one that’s getting bigger) doesn’t feel guilty about wholemeal flour in a child’s pizza (has she no conscience?), maybe her tweets with prick her into mental unrest.
A recent one opines:
Because he [David Cameron] uses stories about his dead son as misty-eyed rhetoric to legitimise selling our NHS to his friends: #CameronMustGo
In 2009, Mr Cameron’s six-year-old son Ivan, who suffered from cerebral Palsy and epilepsy, died.
We don’t know what young Ivan would have made of Monroe’s charm, but maybe she can create a Twitter account in the child’s name and use it to contact David Cameron and get her views across in a more sensitive manner?
Tweet 1: “@IvanCam: I never knew wholemeal pizza could taste so good. Thanks Jack Monroe”
Santa’s ‘Close Friend’ Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen And The Papers Say The Rubbish Magical Journey Is ‘Amazing’
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen designed The Magical Journey, near Sutton Coldfield. And Santa Claus himself endorsed it:
“Father Christmas has selected the Belfry Resort and also asked his close friend Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen to create a ‘North Pole Outpost’ that will be a winter wonderland of magic and drama.”
Vistors calls the place “appalling”, “cheap” and “rip off”.
This Christmas why not sit back and liten to the sounds of former Coverntry City, Aston Villa, Norwich City and Manchester United footballer Dion Dublin? It’s for charity.
And it might be pretty good. Dion has muscial roots.
Lewis Hamilton the Formula One drivers’ contest. The news media goes wild for the circus. And the newspapers have to decide if they lead with the British sportsman who stood in his car and waved the Union flag, or focus on his American lover Nicole Scherzinger:
The Sun: Lewis and Nicole Scherzinger both win! He drove. She worked wonders with the radio.
In the Daily Mail, it was all Nicole. She wins! And those bitten nails have recovered well.
The Times leads with Lewis and Nicole. What she dosn’t know about traction is not worth knowing.
Likewise on the Indy.
The Mirror leads with the Lew & Nic show. It graciously photoshops Lewis into the picture of the beaming Nicole.
The Daily Star has no photograph of Nicole in a bikini. The paper that once supported the EDL leads with the mixed-race Briton waving the flag and a neat headline. The Star is winning.
The Express prefers to overlook Lewis Hamilton and focus on how great Ukip are. The mixed-race British champion can wait for Nigel Farage to tell us how he’ll send ’em back.
What no Nicole? The Telegraph realises that Lewis Hamilton’s car had no passenger seat.
And the Guardian, too. He sat alone in the car.
Not so says the Metro. This was Nicole’s win. And, yes, she is kisisng his helmet.
The final table:
Nicole: 6 front pages; 7 front-page photos; one solo
Lewis: 7 front page; 7 front page photos; 2 solo
Lewis Hamilton narrowly pips Nicole to the F1 title. Better luck next year, Nicole.