Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
HALLOWEEN is coming. You want to host a party. This is the music you need to play.
Tam Lin: Fairport Convention
ARE some books unfilmable? Does reading the book first spoil the film and vice versa?
Stephen King’s The Shining is a cracking read. Stanley Kubrick film adaptation of it is also fantastic, a capacious, sinister spine-tingler. But when the film came out many of the book’s fans were upset. Scenes had been omitted from the book’s version of life at the Overlook Hotel. But did you see that lift full of blood? Young Danny riding his tricycle over the wooden floor and then onto the oh-so-silent carpet? Once seen, never forgotten.
The book is not the film. The book is the book. The film is the film.
King might be relieved. As he says:
“I am not a cold guy. And with Kubrick’s The Shining I thought that it was very cold.
“Shelley Duvall as Wendy is really one of the most misogynistic characters ever put on film. She’s basically just there to scream and be stupid. And that’s not the woman I wrote about…I met him [Kubrick] on the set and just on that one meeting, I thought he was a very compulsive man.”
King’s great novels work because they put us into the heads of his characters, because they convey psychological as well as external struggles, because their inner monologues can pour forth out of his prose. It’s part of what makes him a great writer. It’s also why there have been so many lousy films based on Stephen King books — because all of that is lost in the translation. And Kubrick would have been a lousy novelist, his meticulous detachment resulting in, we could presume, so pretty turgid and lifeless writing. But luckily, he was a filmmaker, and his gifts as an aesthete are what made him such a singularly fine one.
Laura Miller says King was right to be unimpressed by Kubrick:
King is, essentially, a novelist of morality. The decisions his characters make — whether it’s to confront a pack of vampires or to break 10 years of sobriety — are what matter to him. But in Kubrick’s “The Shining,” the characters are largely in the grip of forces beyond their control. It’s a film in which domestic violence occurs, while King’s novel is about domestic violence as a choice certain men make when they refuse to abandon a delusional, defensive entitlement. As King sees it, Kubrick treats his characters like “insects” because the director doesn’t really consider them capable of shaping their own fates. Everything they do is subordinate to an overweening, irresistible force, which is Kubrick’s highly developed aesthetic; they are its slaves. In King’s “The Shining,” the monster is Jack. In Kubrick’s, the monster is Kubrick.
Kubrick understood the importance of taking a story and meticulously reworking it for an entirely different medium. The director was a master of genre cinema, stripping it down and blowing it up in its purest form. In fact two other successful King adaptations, Stand By Me (The Body) and The Shawshank Redemption (Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption) are both riddled with inconsistencies between book and film – although not quite as fundamental as The Shining. King has highlighted these two films, along with Misery (1990), as his favourite cinematic interpretations.
It’s all about entertainment. You get to gorge on the book and the film.
DESIRE Dubounet will now sing My Way. Look out for the cars…and the chopper…
IT was all a put up job, a PR-inspired row to foment interest in the Miley Cyrus and Sinead O’Connor duet? No. Course not. O’Connor is the real deal. Cyrus is a stage school pillock. And if you really want to make Cyrus look bad, do this – stick her next to O’Connor:
SINEAD O’Connor has threatened Miley Cyrus. No, not with a fist fight. O’Connor is turning to the law after the twerking twerp apparently mocked the Irish singer’s mental health.
Cyrus tweeted screen gabs of tweets O’Connor made when she was suffering bipolar disorder. O’Connor noted:
“Taking me on is even more stupid than behaving like a prostitute and calling it feminism. Ms Cyrus has today posted tweets of mine which are two years old and which were sent when I was ill and seeking medical help. She has done this in an attempt to deliberately cause me harm and hurt. Ms Cyrus’ lawyers will be contacted by mine regarding this matter.”
Cyrus then tweeted:
“I don’t have time to write you an open letter cause [sic] I’m hosting & performing on SNL this week.”
WHEN Scarlett Johansson fell over in public the internet rushed to her aide. They slapped her on a dolphin, a surf board and a field. Disaster averted:
Watch Manchester United legend Eric Cantona play The Stallion in erotic French comedy Les Rencontres d’après Minuit
AFTER mucking about playing himself and “a man at a bar” in the likes of Looking for Eric and Jack Says over the years, Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has finally landed the role he was born to play!
Cantona has reportedly been cast as a bearded Gallic lothario, known simply as “The Stallion”, in an erotic French comedy titled Les Rencontres d’après Minuit (which translates as “Meetings After Midnight”).
ZOD knows there aren’t nearly enough stereotypes about lazy Americans spending too much time in their cars, so it’s a good thing Honda and Sony are sponsoring something called “Project Drive-In” in an attempt to #SaveTheDriveIn, which is not exactly trending on Twitter even though it has been tweeted (in sponsored posts) by such noted celebrities as Will Ferrell.
ROBIN Thicke’s hit has everyone’s knickers in a twist. The Universities of Kingston, Edinburgh, Leeds, Derby and West Scotland have banned their students unions from playing one of year’s biggest hits. The righteous students have censored the Top Ten, just like the BBC did in the unenlightened 1970s, when the likes of The Kinks, Paul McCartney, the Sex Pistols and Judge Dread were all banned.
Granted, Macca never did rap “ I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two”, which it turns out is not a reference to a late-night Ultra Chilli Kebab from Big Ahmed’s Van but something illegal in Qatar. And Macca never did grope naked birds on his videos. Yes, he posed with dead babies. But naked women is so. well, offensive to “good girls” who don’t enjoy posing in the nude and being awakened to the magic of sex by Thicke’s dick.
DANNY Dyer is the new King of the EastEnders Queen Vic. Here’s hoping he’s writing his own scripts. As his self-penned tweet of the anniversary of 9/11 proves, he has a way with words:
“Can’t believe it’s been nearly 11 years since them slags smashed into the twin towers. It still freaks my nut out to this day.”
Sinead O’Connor’s open letter to Miley Cyrus: ‘don’t be a prostitute and save your tongue for your boyfriend’
SINEAD O’Connor, Anorak’s Woman of the Century, has penned an open letter to Miley Cyrus. Miley, of course, told Rolling Stone that Sinead is her “role model”. It is down to O’Connor and that Nothing Compares 2 U video that the world can gawp at Cyrus licking a hammer in her Wrecking Ball video.
“I am happy to hear I am somewhat of a role model for you and I hope that because of that you will pay close attention to what I am telling you. The music business doesn’t give a shit about you, or any of us. They will prostitute you for all you are worth, and cleverly make you think it’s what YOU wanted.. and when you end up in rehab as a result of being prostituted, ‘they’ will be sunning themselves on their yachts in Antigua, which they bought by selling your body and you will find yourself very alone…
“Real empowerment of yourself as a woman would be to in future refuse to exploit your body or your sexuality in order for men to make money from you. I needn’t even ask the question.. I’ve been in the business long enough to know that men are making more money than you are from you getting naked. Its really not at all cool. And its sending dangerous signals to other young women.”
IN a move that should be met with “No shit!” and “Urgh, what to do?”, Lostprophets have announced that they’re splitting up in the face of frontman Ian Watkins imminent trial for sex offences, which make for particularly grim reading.
The group, who have been making a racket since 1997, announced the news on their Facebook page, saying: “After nearly a year of coming to terms with our heartache, we finally feel ready to announce publicly what we have thought privately for some time. We can no longer continue making or performing music as Lostprophets.”
“Your love and support over the past 15 years has been tremendous, and we’ll be forever grateful for all you’ve given us. As we look forward to the next phase of our lives, we can only hope to be surrounded by people as devoted and inspiring as you guys have been.”
“Yes, I’m having a good time and I might be a bit tipsy but that’s okay cuz you’re with me.”
YOU remember Frankie Cocozza don’t you? He was the chap who appeared on the X Factor looking like a knuckle peering out of a grizzly bear’s arse, who had perhaps THE most annoying ‘cheeky chappie’ schtick since Loaded sent a load of their writers on television to defend their stance on burping at women’s baps.
You may also remember that he got his derriere out and displayed a bunch of girls names he’d got tattooed on, when notches on a bedpost wasn’t enough.
LIKE you, we’ve always marvelled at how celebrities are always offered a million dollars to perform in a sex flick. So good is the money that you wonder if the leaked skin vid is what drives the celebrity industry. Back in May, the Daily Mail told us:
Although previous reports alleged the Teen Mom star had sold the rights to her ‘private’ sex tape for around $1 million, the 21-year-old revealed to RadarOnline.com on Tuesday that she sealed the deal for an even higher sum of $1.5 million.
I am rarely nasty. If I write about you, I do not want you to ever regret having talked to me. In cases where I think someone will regret talking to me, I do not do the story or do not use the person’s interview or don’t use the parts they’ll regret having said. Part of that is my personality, partly it’s because there’s very little negative stuff you can put in a book or an article before you turn most of your audience away. Negative stuff is interesting the first time, but you’ll never re-read a negative article. You’ll re-read a positive one. Part of the reason that my books have had a long shelf life is that they’re optimistic, and optimism permits that kind of longevity.
But more importantly, as a journalist, if you interview someone your job is to select out what is relevant to the story you want to tell and to not use what is irrelevant to the story you want to tell. … That’s not false. It’s actually true. It’s what we do with our friends. It’s what we do with our parents. It’s what we do with everyone that we love. We edit our impressions of them. We’re blind to their faults in a kind of very beautiful way. And there’s no reason why journalists can’t do the same. I really object to this notion of journalism as this kind of, you know, if they said it, you print it. No. If they said it, you think long and hard about whether it’s necessary. And you think long and hard about the sense in which they were speaking. You think long and hard about whether if you asked them that question again whether they would answer the same way. And if you don’t think they’d answer it the same way a second time, you can’t use it. It’s not a game of gotcha.
JUSTIN Bieber is on a trip to Beijing. Once there, the Bieber did as all US tourists to China must and
took home a female baby went to the Great Wall, where he got two men to carry him up the steps on their shoulders.
The bodyguards did not then dip him in oil, set him alight and toss him atop the One Direction fans massed at the foot of the wall. King Joffrey Bieber will get his when the time is right.
Later, Bieber went skateboarding in China whilst two grown men paid to look after him attempted to keep up and save him from “technical difficulties” and falling head first into a sink hole.
It can’t be easy living in front of millions of people waiting for your to go Britney or Cliff. But you feel the hormonal meltdown coming, don’t you..?
JAMES McAvoy’s new film Filth has opened in London. McAvoy would play Jimmy Savile if Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh ever penned a script about the BBC DJ, NHS ward wharbler and sex predator, the Scottish novelist has said. Welsh told the Radio Times that while making Filth, he discussed the subject of sexual abuse with X-Men star McAvoy, who apparently told him: “If you ever write a script about it, I’d love to play Jimmy Savile.” Maybe the film could feature a trial and name some of the enablers who let Savile prosper? After all, the law never did catch up with Savile while he was alive…
1991: Nirvana’s first televised performance of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Kurt is unplugged and contracted in a Radio Shack
TWENTY years ago, Nirvana released In Utero. Anorak bought it. And played it loud. In 1991, Nirvana appeared on MTV’s 120 Minutes to perform Smells Like Teen Spirit. Grunge went mainstream.
WHEN Huddersfield Giants star Danny Brough (seen here with his bestselling blueberry bonbons) revealed his other life as co-owner of the Hull confectionery shop Sweeet Shack (with an extra ‘e’) some people may have raised an eyebrow or two.
Once upon a time, however, there was nothing unusual about celebrities operating a sideline. Former footballers, boxers and cricketers opened newsagents, sports shops and pubs. And they weren’t the only ones. Even the Beatles got in on the act.
THE Peanut Underground: