THE DAILY Express considers it to be of the utmost importance that Nicola McLean is given space on its front page to say: “I love big knockers.”

Nicola loves knockers so much that she has three sets of them in a variety of, tons, sizes and shapes. But it’s the big ones she loves best.

“I’d never have Victoria Beckham boobs,” says Nicola, sporting Wednesday’s 32G twin set. “They’re plastic looking. In fact, they’re disgusting.”

Cosmetic surgery shops may well look at their stock of Peckhams ™ and sigh.

(more…)

IT’S Victoria Beckham’s birthday and Heidi Klum, the model, is wondering what to get her.

What does Posh need?

Heidi knows. She has bought her a dozen cupcakes from the Sprinkles bakery.
And there’s a note:

“Happy Birthday - expect a dozen every Friday! Love, Heidi.”

That’s right, Posh needs feeding. And this is the gift that keeps on coming. Every Friday for an entire year Her Poshness will receive 12 cakes.

The Anorak is minded of the quip between George Bush and the BBC’s political pundit Nick Robinson, he of the noble brow.

(more…)

“WHO’S TRYING TO BAN ALL SKINNY CELEBRITIES?”

heat magazine asks the questions that matter, getting beneath the skin to the hard, protruding bone of celebrity life.

But what is the answer?

Well, it’s not heat, which features walking pencil Victoria Beckham and Girls Aloud’s resident singing microphone stand Nadine Coyle.

(more…)

SAYS Cruz Beckham…

Says Brooklyn Beckham…

WASN’T Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday party a hoot?

The Spice Girls, Sir Elton John, “Scientology fan” Tom Cruise and Diddyman-done-good P Diddy were all in force to sing Happy Birthday in a show-tune-rap-style to Her Poshness, says the Star.

The Sun sees more names: Eva Longoria, Kate Becksindale, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, who the Mirror says was also celebrating his birthday party.

A joint party is always a good idea, preventing either of the Beckhams from claiming more showbiz pals than the other.

(more…)

“BECKS ‘LOVER TO TELL ALL.”

The Star reports that Rebecca Loos is to lift the lid on her “sexploits” in a new TV show.

In what TV watchers are calling Country File meets Channel X celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos will tell us all about her love life.

Along with the livestock insights, Loos may find time to mention David Beckham, with whom she alleges an affair.

(more…)

“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

(more…)

A PICTURE of Victoria Beckham, aka Her Poshness, outside a florist shop.
“Mrs Becks just too Posh to push,” says the Express on its front page. Too posh to push a – he-he – “Shopping trolley”.

Indeed, gentle readers, no small shock to learn that Posh buys her own flowers and is not met each morning by a carpet of orchid petals with Day-vid stood at the foot of her bed with a bud between his lips and another tucked nearly into his thong.

But sensation upon sensation as David is said to be buying a football club with the not-in-the-least-bit-creepy Tom Cruise.

(more…)

“VICTORIA’S 1am crisis talks with David,” says the Grazia front-page headline.

What couple has not been there when the third worst phrase in marriage punctures the still, sleepy silence: “You awake?”

But Victoria Beckham, for it is she, is not nudging her Day-vid to talk about her worries but dialling his phone number.

David is also, as reported, on the blower. He’s texting his wife.

Is it a Bext?

Bext (message) (n) - An obscene text message.
 (“You should see the bext he sent me. He’s one dirty son of a bitch.”)

Source: Anorak Dictionary.

David, says Grazia is texting his wife to tell her that he’s going out.

(more…)

BIG news in the world of popular music as Chanelle Hayes, Big Brother alumni, releases her debut single, a track called I Want It.

It features the line:

“I’ve got something that you’d like to know,
I’m a sexy lady,
Drive your crazy
Make your bedroom mo-ho”

No doubt that Chanelle would drive us crazy, stark raving mad, even. To test the theory Anorak has secured our resident Lithuanian coffee maker, Aras, to a pair of headphones and will force him to listen to Chanelle morning noon and night for seven days.

(more…)

JOAN River wants someone to listen to her, so she talks about Victoria Beckham:

“I dislike Victoria Beckham,” she seethed. “The entitlement - the total entitlement. You want to say: ‘Calm down, you were a Spice Girl.’ The arrogance when she walks into a room is astonishing.”

Source 

MUCH debate in the build up to David Beckham’s testimonial match in Paris over what haircut he’d go for.

This being his 100th cap, many hoped Beckham would pay homage to one of his predecessors. No golden boots and fanfare for Peter Shilton, just a light perm, some conditioner and a twirl of forefinger and thumb.

But Beckham has yet to do curlies. Indeed his depilation regime suggests a phobia against curly hair. The Shilton was a no show.

Down the list of 100-plus cap winners, and a sensible Bobby Moore side-rule-parting would have delighted the purists.

Better yet, a Bobby Charlton display of extravagance and daring. For all his 754 haircuts, Beckham has yet to take on the Charlton, a hairstyle Bobby made his own and wore atop his own crowd of glowing strawberry blond locks season in, season out.

(more…)

VICTORIA Beckham looks Incredible in Marc Jacobs - or something from the Incredibles…

DAVID Beckham has a new tattoo.
It’s a swirl of letters that is said to mean: “Death and life have determined appointments. Riches and honour depend upon heaven.”

Had Beckham been born with such a birthmark, we would look on him in awe, wrapt in his heavenly majesty. Instead, we look on whim with…

But Beckham is of flesh and blood and looking at the swirling pattern, what an insider terms the “brush-stroke effect” (Chinese italics) we wonder if this new motto is masking a blemish, a broken vein or an enlarged pore?

It might be that as Beckham ages he becomes more coloured in, veins turned into vapours of mystic force, stretch marks morphed into the The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock?

You don’t so much look at Beckham as study him - which is unusual for a man who has said how much he hates reading…

Picture: The Spine 

SAYS Victoria Beckham at the launch of her latest scent:

“This is a real passion of mine. People think all I do is go shopping like a miserable cow, but, in an actual fact, I work bloody hard.”

She needs to. As Posh says: “I’m not doing a Britney Spears and just putting my name on something and saying: ‘Sell this perfume.’”

Indeed not. Victoria puts more than little of herself into each vial of her branded scent.

Hard graft is needed to mine her sweat for each bottle…

Picture: 14 

JOHN Dunford is addressing the Association of School and College Leaders annual conference, in Brighton. Says he:

“Celebrity culture makes the job of schools more difficult, because schools try to inculcate values such as hard work bringing rewards.

“The cult of celebrity makes it look all too easy. They don’t realise how long and hard people like David Beckham or pop stars have to train and practise their skills.”

David Beckham has a soccer school. Pop has a Rock School. Fame has an Academy.
Celebrities have stage school. The rich and famous have  stunningly talented offspring.

Schoolchildren have maths, media studies and a celebrity chef preaching what they should eat.

Schoolchildren have dreams…

VICTORIA Beckham is on the cover of Vogue magazine.

The Mirror has a picture of this cover. The right half of Posh’s face is hidden behind her raised hand.

The paper says she looks like Eliza Doolittle, as played on film by Audrey Hepburn. The actress is pictured in full face.

The Sun shows a picture of Posh inside Vogue in which only the left side of her face can be seen.

The paper says she looks like Vivien Leigh in Gone with The Wind. A picture of Leigh in full-face mode is supplied.

The Mail says she’s “really trying to be Posh” and looks like Her Majesty the Queen, as pictured by Cecil Beaton in 1949. In that shot, Liz’s face in seen in full.

The result is that we wonder not why Posh is on the cover of Vogue, rather why all of her is not. Why is her face hidden, like the dark side of the moon?

Answers to the usual address…

IN OK! magazine, Victoria Beckham says of her Day-vid: “A lot of people think he’s a bit dim, but when you get to know him he’s actually quit deep.”

Such is the insight of Victoria Beckham.

Anorak has been reviewing Phil Shaw’s The Book of Football Quotations. Here’s few more bon mots from Victoria:

• “He walks around the kitchen going: ‘I’m a gay icon, I’m a gay icon.’ When I say, ‘So am I’, he just goes, ‘But they love me more.’”

• “He’s a really intelligent person. He’s really deep, which I like.”

• “David is an animal in bed. Some woman asked me in an interview: “Are you so thin because you shag all day?” And I said: “Actually, yes.”

• “I’ve read it cover to cover. It’s got some nice pictures.” (On a biography of her husband.)
  

• “I’m sure there are lots of people who’d love to feel how soft his skin is. His skin is like our baby’s.”

• “Me and David have always been very compatible. We’re going to get old together. We have a laugh. We got into bed together the other night, he put on the TV and what’s he watching? Ground Force. I said to him: “But I heard you’re really into porn.”

Victoria Beckham is singer-model-desinger-Wag-sex-just-like-you-and-me-talented…

VICTORIA Beckham and her footballer husband David have “REVEALING WORDS” and “STUNNING PICTURES”.

These gems are teased by the lines:

“I LOVE VICTORIA – OTHER WOMEN DON’T INTEREST ME.”

And:

“OUT ROMANTIC SUNDAY ROASTS.”

Anorak is something of the unwitting expert on footballer slang and wonders if these two comments tally? Can you have a two-person roast?

Answers in the form of a orgy ‘n’ tell exclusive to the usual address…

ODD indeed that OK! should feature the Spice Gilrs on stage and not airbrush faces onto their odd-looking children.

But the magazine aims for authenticity and truth in all that it does, so we see the blurry outlines and smudged features of Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham.

This facial tick has afflicted all Spice Kids, and Bluebell Halliwell, Beau Bunton and Angel Brown all have no features, just a facial smudge.

Anorak has employed our computer wizards to transfer suitable faces on all the children in the hope that when they next take to the stage they will not be judged too harshly…

“POSH ‘N’ BECKS BETRAYED.”

The Star promises much. But who has done it this betraying? The hairdresser? The PA? The mild mannered cleaner? Could be…

“Pals” say Vicky And Day-vid have been “betrayed” by “former friends, lovers, business aides and old school chums”.

That’s a lot of betraying. And we wonder how Posh and Becks failed to secure gagging contracts with anyone who has ever met them, plans to meet them or has had thoughts about meeting them.

An oversight. That much is certain. Heads will roll.

(more…)

BILLIE Piper and husband Laurence Fox are the latest couple to partake of Auschwitz Chic.

In the Star, Laurence Fox is showing off his new tattoo, a black rendering of the date of his wedding to said Piper.

“I’ve got ‘Mrs Fox 31.12.07’,” says Laurence and “she got ‘Mr Fox’”, and one imagines the same date.

This, as the Sun tells us, follows in the trend laid down by Posh and Becks, who have the dates of their renewed wedding vows inked on their arms.

Such dates should help the celebrities remember. Lest we ever forget…