FOLLOWING pictures of Sienna Miller cuddling her Welsh boyfriend, Rhys Ifans, she tells “pals” in the Mirror: “I love Wales. I think it is the most beautiful country in the world and the people were just gracious and lovely considering they have been raped and pillaged by the English for so long.”

Good that she can redress the pain…

“THERE SHE BLOWS,” toots the Star’s front-page headline, looking on as Sienna Miller pipes Rhys Ifans aboard a boat.

This may be part of Miller’s new diet. There may even be a workout DVD in the pipeline.

Says the Mirror: “Happy and relaxed, Sienna Miller frolics in the sea and snogs boyfriend Rhys Ifans on holiday in Mexico.” The paper notes that the pair “cuddled”.

The Mirror is a family newspaper, ignoring the X-rated, sticking to the more family-focused lead news of racing from Cheltenham and “SUICIDE COP’S SECRET LOVERS”.

The Sun just stares. “Didn’t think I’d ever be Sienna bum,” says the paper’s Gordon Smart, who has now lived the dream.

He then shows his readers a letter signed by Rhys Ifans.

It’s lovely isn’t it. Sienna’s got lovely valleys, she has. Not a bad bum either.

A lot of fellas are saying how can a fat bloke like me pull Sienna. Very ’arsh. That don’t makes no sense. I’m a sex machine me – just look at that six-pack.

I reckon she’s fair game, she is. When she’s finished her John Grisham book I’m going to tries and snog ’er – you knows what I’m saying.

That detail on the Grisham book makes us wonder if this might be Smart’s stab at parody. But then we see the pictures and see the John Grisham book lying by Ifans’ side.

Could that letter really be from Rhys Ifans? In the context of Gordon’s Smart’s column, it would make more sense if it were. Because if you believe it is all true, you can believe someone like Smart exists.

And that the Sun has bothered to make him up…

PROFESSIONAL girlfriend Sienna Miller is pictured on the cover of the Mirror in the company of a grinning Rhys Ifans.

“IN BED AT 37,000FT,” comes the headline. “Sienna and Rhys’s amazing jet antics.”

Inside and: “Sienna revels in a flight of passion. WE SEE HER FROLIC IN 33in BED ON PLANE WITH RHYS.”

And so we find ourselves aboard a flight from Los Angeles to London. The paper’s 3am Girls, Clemmie Moodie and Danielle Lawler, are sat a few seats away from Miller and Ifans. The voyeurs look on as Ifans removes his top and jumps “giggling” into Miller’s bed.

A few seats to one side is James McAvoy. He is reading a sudoku book, possibly researching a new film on the life and times of Chris Sudoku, the Most Boring Man In London (1822-1898). Or else he is trying to fall asleep.

The 3am Girls are all eyes and ears. They hear “slurping and squelching”. They see “tongues a go-go”. There is “hair-stroking”, “nibbling” and whispers. Dinner is a “tomato and mozzarella soup, beef stroganoff and roast chicken”.

Such is the of things among the new “Upper Class”…

SIENNA Miller, professional girlfriend, is in the Express. She is wearing a “mint-green tea-dress and a black straw hat”.

This is “Sienna’s wedding day bliss”.

Married? No. Not yet. Although the Express notes that Sienna and her current project, actor Rhys Ifans, “could not have stood closer as the bride tossed the bouquet”.

Closer to one another or closer to the bride? The Express is unspecific.

No small chance, then, that Sienna was caught wrong footed, looking up as her future happiness arced over her head as the bride tossed with all the guile of Andre Agassi in his pomp.

Disappointment set aside, the Express notes how Sienna and her actor did manage to catch a cab and take a ride to the wedding reception in a north London pub.

Ms Miller is blonde…