X Factor Does Pride Watch: Cheryl Cole Patronises Joe McElderry
X FACTOR does Pride Watch: Pride Watch highlights instances of Remote Pride, when someone barely or not at all related to the subject says how proud they of them, a comment that at once patronises the target and takes partial ownership of their achievement.
Cheryl Cole is “mentoring” Joe McElderry, the shiny, sexless Cliff Richard boychild by choosing what songs the voice coach trains him to sing.
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Using Susan Boyle To Cast Jedward As Victims
SUSAN Boyle is to sing a live pre-recorded song on the X Factor, and in readiness he has brushed up alongside Jedward, the Duracell Gonk act that we’re calling Jeadful.
Can some of Susan Boyle trademark victim status helps Jedward win the vote? The Mail gives us:
Susan Boyle has been giving advice to X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes to help them to deal with the abuse they are getting.
They should tell people to “f*** off”? A source explains:
“People have said John and Edward are like a freak show, which is what they were saying about Susan.”
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Amy Winehouse To Star In New Patridge Family Show
AMY Winehouse’s metamorphosis into I’m A Celebrity’s Katie Price moves on as news reaches us that the singer wants more plastic surgery.
Yes, we know. This is the second Amy Winehouse story of the day but there is now more of her to cover. (Katie Price’s columns inches are correlated to the sixe of her Jordans.)
Having been cut up and sewn back together around the chest, Amy now wants to have her nose altered. Can it be that Amy has been looking at those London Zoo elephants with envy? “I’ll ‘ave me one ov dose noses,” says she. Bigger nostrils will make her envy of every Camden Town sniffer.
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Amy Winehouse Is ‘Living’ In A ‘House’ In The London Clinic
DID you know that Amy Winehouse has “set up house – in the hospital where docs fixed her boobs”?
Amy Winehouse is living in a hospital, says the Star. Having kicked illegal drugs, Amy is now living in a hospital where prescription – legal – drugs are only a press on the bell away, nurses are her maids and fading to black comes after counting down from 10?
The troubled singer has moved into the posh, private London Clinic. Amy Winehouse is living there full-time so she can be monitored by doctors round the clock.
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price To Marry ‘Dumped’ Alex Reid In Jungle
I’M A Celebrity:Katie Price to marry, Alex Reid to be dumped in the jungle and Michelle Heaton whispers. The news round-up:
News of The World (front page): “MARRY ME KATIE”
It’s walking Toffee Crisp Alex Reid.He’s heading Down Under to see his one true love:
“EXCLUSIVE: ALEX TO PROPOSE IN JUNGLE”
Eveyone loves a wedding. It will so great. Katie can wear a veils fashioned from spiders webs and Alex can makes ring from a kanagaroo’s anus. But hold on a moment:
Sunday Mirror (front page): “Tarzan Alex is dumped in jungle”
Posted: 22nd, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor Live: Jedward Do Jive Bunny, Olly Murs Is The Man And Danyl Johnson Is Careless
X Factor Live Blog: It’s Wham! Week. John and Edward, Danyl Johnson, Stacey Solomon, Jedward, Joe McElderry, Lloyd Daniels and contagious Olly Murs?
1. Lloyd Daniels - You’ve Got To Have Faith.
Lloyd needs faith because he doesn’t have a prayer of winning. Should have sung Wake Me Up Before You GoGo. A does of self-depracating humour might have saved him.
Damned by hard to like Louis Walsh: “I love everything except he voice Lloyd, I think you’re a real little pop star though.”
2. Stacey Solomon - I Can’t Make You Love Me
Is she getting blonder?
X Factor: Stacey Solomon Look Alike Gallery. She’s through to next week’s show.
Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor At The Union Chapel: Lostprophets, King Blues And The Black Out
BEFORE Simon Cowell brought us his finishing school for music with modules in X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and Pop Idol – with special points for anyone able to shorten their name into something that can fit into text message (Jedward, Subo etc.) – there was talent.
Here’s the news: there still is talent and new music. It’s just not on the tell any more. It’s at the 2009 Mencap Little Noise Sessions at the Union Chapel in London, in the form of Ian Watkins of Lostprophets, King Blues and The Black Out. We were there. We’ve got pictures:
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Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: George Michael Sees The Light And The Jonas Brothers Back Jedward
X FACTOR Watch: George Michael spots the leading lights and the Jonas Brothers back Jedward.
The trick with the X Factor publicists is to keep the show in people’s minds in the long week, when I’m A Celebrity occupies all thoughts and front pages.
It’s achieved by non news. Today’s non-news news story is that George Michael might watch the show.
A show insider tells the Mirror:
“George is hoping to come and watch the live shows this weekend.”
Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price Finds Jordan In An Alcopop
I’M A Celebrity: In Make Your Own Katie Price, we tell you how to grow your own Jordan in a bottle of alcopops or wine box.
Jordan adorns the cover of the Sun’s front page and tells readers: “Keep me sober or I’ll get nasty.”
This is, of course, a call for the I’m A Celebrity producers to airdrop caseloads of fermented cockroach penis to the jungle studio. It’s is also receipe for Jordan.
The Sun says that Katie plus booze equals Jordan.
Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Naked Katie Price Becomes Kate And Jordan ‘Dies’
I’M A Celebrity: Katie Price is dying. Kate Price is upon us. Jordan makes a naked dash for fame. And the worms get ready to complete the food cycle…
Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN: I’LL DIE IN BUSH”
Is that Bush the famous Shepherd’s Bush, location of the overgrown Blue Peter Garden and the BBC’s Television Centre? To viewers it looks like the Australian Bush, made to look bigger by clever angles and having little Ant ‘n’ Dec present the show.
Jordan will die in this Bush. Having eaten so much insect, she will become insect food.
KATE Price believes she is so hated, the public actually want to see her die in the jungle.
Posted: 21st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Frankie Sandford’s Slasher Dress Bum Note And Other Terrific Mistakes
POOR Frankie Sandford is a singer with The Saturdays, a Girls Aloud –Spice Girls tribute act and a graduate of S Club Juniors, youth wing of former cabaret act S Club 7. She’s done a Clare Danes and shown lots of flesh.
It all went terribly wrong when Sandford arrived at the Variety Club Awards. The Variety Club is a charity helps young, disabled and disadvantaged children. Sandford, currently dating McFly singer Dougie Poynter, arrived on the red carpet wearing a short dress through which a section of her backside was peeking out.
We had thought she’d worn it for the children, to cheer them up. But it turns out that showing your bum in public was all a terrific mistake. Did you see it? Did you? Says Sandford:
“When we went down the red carpet the photographers kept asking us to turn around and look over our shoulders. It wasn’t until afterwards that Mollie and Una pointed out that the reason they kept asking was because my dress had a big slit right on my bum cheek! Now it all makes sense!”
Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Peter Andre ‘Buys’ House To ‘Win Back’ Katie Price
I’M A Celebrity Watch: Katie Price has headed back to the I’m A Celebrity jungle as Step 1 in her bid to remarry Peter Andre – or, er, not.
And the Daily Star reports that Peter Andre “buys huge family pad to win back Katie.”
It’s a fact! Now read on:
“Peter Andre could be splashing out £3milliomn on a new home as ex-wife Kate Price relives the first dramatic moments of their jungle romance.”
Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Mariah Carey Wants To Be Susan Boyle, In Pictures
MARIAH Carey wanted 20 white kittens to accompany her as she turned on the lights in the Westfield shopping centre, London. If Susan Boyle can do all that with one cat, Mariah needs 20. The world will be hers.
She also wanted 100 white doves, presumably to give the kittens something to kill while they waited the big moment. She was denied on both counts. There can be only one Susan Boyle. What Carey did get was a big Blue Peter wand made from KitKat wrappers and a bent coat hanger and lots of “butterfly-shaped” confetti scraped up from a wedding party at nearby Willesden Magistrates Court. The pictures:
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Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Katie Price Gets Stoned
I’M A Celebrity Watch: Katie Price says she going to take her Jedwards and walk out of the overgrown Blue Peter jungle – it’s not been the same since Percy Thrower died. Well she might.
Here’s what the front pages are saying about I’m Katie Price…Get Me A Crocodile Penis And Make It Snappy:
Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN: I’LL QUIT JUNGLE OF HATE”
Defo! Katie Price will quit. Nothing can stop her!
Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Demi Moore Is Hip for W Magazine: Actress Runs Circles Round Photoshop Critics
ONE day one from Kate Moss saying something about eating skinny, actress Demi Moore has, apparently, had a hip removed to appear on the cover of W magazine.
Of course, Demi says she has never had any cosmetic surgery – proof here – which suggests her left hip has been airbrushed out of existence to best fit the front page.
Demi Moore is 47, rich and has had three children. Her hips are largely redundant. She now has the hips of teenage boy. Also her primary sexual characteristics are alluded to beneath the pelvic fringe of her gold Balmain leotard. Demi Moore has balls to pull this outfit on and off. Possibly.
Posted: 20th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
I’m A Celebrity: Mitch Winehouse Leaks News Of Amy’s Winehouse’s ‘Leaky’ Breasts
MITCH Winehouse says his daughter Amy Winehouse is in hospital because her “fantastic” breasts are “leaky something or other.”
Amy’s breasts aren’t real breasts, allegedly, they’re two novelty bottles of gin and chocolate Vitamalt attached to optics disguised as nipples. Their attachment means that Amy can never walk on her hand again or enter the British Olympics’ trampoline team for 2012.
Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor In Pictures: Jamie Archer Sings For Autism
X FACTOR: Art mirroring life now, as no sooner has Louis Walsh, reportedly, told us that Duracell Gonks Jedward are “mildly autistic” than likeable pub singer Jamie Archer sings for autism at the Treehouse - The Pears National Centre for Autism Education, Muswell Hill, London.
Anorak’s man with a camera was there at an event that defies cynicism - almost…
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Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: Jedward Are Autistic, Says Louis Walsh
X FACTOR: Louis Walsh says Jedward are special needs - they have autism:
In the Daily Mail, hard-to-like pap pop impresario Louis Walsh is heard to say:
John and Edward are very well brought up, went to excellent schools and are probably upper middle class. Also they are mildly autistic. They have an uncanny gift for remembering numbers.
The Mail tells of statistics. But aren’t numbers a slang for songs?
Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Fat Kate Moss Is New Face Of Starbucks, With Added Cellulite
KATE Moss says “nothing tastes as good as skinny” and the Sun screams from its front page:
“Kate Moss brain is size zero”
MODEL SPARKS OUTRAGE.
The model might have sparked a new slogan for Starbucks lo-cal coffees and shakes. But the outrage is about the thinness. And the people outraged most are those who represent vested interest groups, like Katie Green, face and chest of Say No To Size Zero, a former anorexic and the founder of the National Centre for Eating Disorders.
The allegation is that Kate Moss encourages anorexia. In other Sun news:
HERE is KATE MOSS slumming it with mere mortals at McDonald’s. The supermodel popped in to the fast-food chain in Central London to pick up a spot of lunch to go.
And:
KATE Moss is pencil thin - but her clothing collection appeals to Brittons of every shape and size.
But it’s the Mail that really takes the hypo-critic oath, telling its readers:
The saying is a watchword for millions of anorexics and bulimia sufferers.
The Mail quotes a study:
The study by the Exeter-based Schools Health Education Unit found that a majority of teenage girls - and 40 per cent of ten and 11-year-olds - believed they needed to slim but few were actually overweight.
It’s just so wrong that young girls are so worried about their looks and fat. In previous Daily Mail fat and ugly Kate Moss news:
TUMMY - ‘Like most women who have had a baby, Kate has a bit of loose skin in the lower tummy area,’ says diet and fitness specialist Joanna Hall.
‘There is very little fat beneath it, but also not much muscle definition. Some exercise would help…
And that rounded tum-tum?
She insists she isn’t pregnant, and the cigarette in her right hand would appear to confirm that fact. But the way she was rubbing what appeared to be a bump beneath her baggy top did nothing to dispel rumours that Kate Moss is, indeed, expecting her second child.
No, not pregnant. Just a bit of fat or gas. The last word can be with stick thin former anorexic Liz Jones, in the Mail:
We fashion editors loved her in her 20s for the fact she would brazenly model a bikini on the catwalk or in bright sunshine, despite the fact she was no longer 16, had never been six foot, had a long trunk and short legs and the dimplings of cellulite.
Sticks and stones will break her bones - unless Kate Moss is fate enough to absorb them…
Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
X Factor: The Top Items For Sale In The Jedward Shop
X Factor: Before John and Edward Grimes can sell official Jedward tat, the entrepreneurs are putting the boys hair on unofficial Jedward tat.
Anorak has been scouring the web for future landfill and we bring you the Worst Jedward Merchandise Gifts. Buy now to ensure disappointment:
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Posted: 19th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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