EVA Mendes is a Hollywood actress who looks like a cross between Charlton Heston and a Cheeky Girl.

This photograph appears in Italian Vogue. It shows Eva sucking her toe.

In parts of Italy this may well be alluring; in others it may be a sign that the streets are clean and a symbol of civic pride, especially in those regions bordering Switzerland.

In another still, a pair of feet, possible belonging to Mendes – who seems flexible – are pressed against her bosom. Is this new form of therapy? Or something more sinister, a metaphor for Mendes struggle to be taken a serious actress?

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CARLA Bruni, wife to French President Nicolas Sarkozy, La Belle France’s answer to Lempit Opik and his Cheeky Girl, is in conversation with Paris Match magazine.

The Mail listens in and hears Carla mention her trip to Britain.

Says she: “It was like arriving on another planet. Never in my life did I think I would meet the Queen of England.”

And what of that meeting in the Windsors’ rarefied air? She recalls how at Windsor Castle, Her Majesty showed Carla around and opened a door with a cheery: “Here’s your bathroom.”

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FOR those of you heard the “lies” about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing she’d never married him; for those of you who’ve read that she’s “depressed” and “suffering fresh doubts” about her marriage, forget it.

Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are “lies”.

Get over them. And get over yourself.

This is Kerry Katona’s OK! Diary, OK, and she knows what’s what.

Okay!?

“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

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TO celebrate Tom Cruise’s 25 years since his big break in Risky Business, Anorak has been reenacting Tom’s best scenes. And Tom has a new website.

Today’s we’ve been using the actual Airfix fighter jet Tom sat in for those Top Gun action sequences, and some of the toy soldiers and play-dough figures that were also used in the original.

Goose was sadly sat upon by one of the accounts team, and now doubles as Tom’s wheelchair in Born On The Fourth Of July.

Today Tom’s in the National Enquirer, on account of his wife’s stint at Gold Base, the Scientology rewiring centre in Hemet, California.

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GIVE up America, we have you surrounded. Did the Rom,an Empire fall becsue of depression?

Americans are glum at the moment. No, I mean really glum. In April, a new poll revealed that 81 percent of the American people believe that the country is on the “wrong track.” In the 25 years that pollsters have asked this question, last month’s response was by far the most negative. Other polls, asking similar questions, found levels of gloom that were even more alarming, often at 30- and 40-year highs. There are reasons to be pessimistic—a financial panic and looming recession, a seemingly endless war in Iraq, and the ongoing threat of terrorism. But the facts on the ground—unemployment numbers, foreclosure rates, deaths from terror attacks—are simply not dire enough to explain the present atmosphere of malaise.

The Beckhams?

MADONNA is a singer. This much we know. And we invite you to be mindful of this knowledge as you consider this piece in Vanity Fair:

The world is a series of rooms, which are arranged like concentric circles, or rooms within rooms, joined by courtyards and antechambers, and in the room at the center of all those rooms Madonna sits alone, in a white dress, dreaming of Africa.

Coughs: 

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WANT to know “all the shocking details” about Hillary Clinton’s “LESBIAN SCANDAL”?

The Enquirer has all the details.

The race for the Democratic nomination to be US President is tuning into a minority issue. On the one side is black, mixed-race, Christian, Muslim, elitist, one-legged, part Cherokee Barack Obama and on the other is mum, wife, cuckold, trouser-suit wearer, mountaineer fan, sniper-dodging, nut crushing, shot-putting lactose intolerant Hillary Clinton.

We are only upset that the one-eyed black Jew Sammy Davis Junior did not long enough to see such a show.

But what of the lesbian scandal?

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PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.

Given Peter’s careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.

In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.

But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?

Peter tells OK! readers of his “inner circle”, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: “Sometimes we’re a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldn’t.”

The urine, right? “A lot of stories are false anyway.”

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SAYS Melanie Slade, girlfriend to footballer Theo Walcott, of her fellow Wags in FHM magazine:

“I hate the stereotype – the shopping all day long, the short dresses and massive sunglasses. I would never want to be associated with those women. The wannabes who are so desperate to sleep with a footballer have no respect for themselves, no ambition, nothing.”

“Bravo for Theo’s girl,” says the Sun as she poses in FHM, wearing a matching knickers and bra exposed thought a slipped-down and ridden-up grey T-shirt.

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SOMETHING borrowed, something blue, something old and something new.
Ivana Trump’s wedding has it all, although which is which is best left to others to decipher.

All we can say is that the groom Rossano Rubicondi looks so new he shines like buffer tuppeny bit, the moon is blue and the wedding march is borrowed from the film Rocky.

And here comes Ivan, 59-year-old former model and jobbing Mrs Donald Trump, now working as National Enquirer’s agony aunt.

Ivana is dressed in pastel tones. The invitation, as Hello! explains, stipulates that women must wear pastel shades, but avoid yellow or pink, which would clash with the bride’s hair and natural-look skin tones.

Rossano in clad from his teeth to his tails in gleaming white. His bum might be in the smaltz as Old Mr Anorak says, but he scrubs up well.

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“WHO’S TRYING TO BAN ALL SKINNY CELEBRITIES?”

heat magazine asks the questions that matter, getting beneath the skin to the hard, protruding bone of celebrity life.

But what is the answer?

Well, it’s not heat, which features walking pencil Victoria Beckham and Girls Aloud’s resident singing microphone stand Nadine Coyle.

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IN Touch magazine reports that all is not well with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and she plans to leave Los Angles for Manhattan with the couple’s daughter Suri.

In “Katie wants her life back”, an “insider” tells the magazine: “Of course Katie still loves him (Tom), but she does often feel like the little wife that has to sit there quietly and smile serenely at everything he says.”

On a happier note, Tom’s Scientologists are No.1, edging out atheists as the religious group America feels least positive about.

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GEORGE Gurley is in coversatiosn with Christina Ricci for BlackBook magaazine.

Gurley: “What’s it like being the face of Louis Vuitton?”

Ricci: “Well, I’m not anymore. I was one of four actresses that they used in a campaign once and it was really fun. I liked it.

I would like to be the face of Louis Vuitton. I am not, however. You know who is? Scarlett Johansson is the face of Louis Vuitton.

Wrong interview.”

SAYS Michael Lohan of his daughter Lindsay Lohan to In Touch magazine:

Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India.

We also deal with helping Aids victims. She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along…

“Lindsay’s very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable.”

But is India ready to accept her…

Picure

“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

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SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: “I DON’T HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.”

No, that what celebrity mums’ nurses are for, say you. But you’d be wrong.

Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.

No, that’s not it either.

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JENNIFER Aniston is to adopt a baby boy.

Forget auditioning to be the new Oliver, this is the gig any fame-hungry boy wants.
One condition, though, is that all contenders have to be called Alex.

Grazia magazine reports that Aniston has told friends that she is to adopt and likes the name Alexander. As the front-page headline says: “Jennifer to adopt a baby boy called Alex!”

Jen has, we learn, already spent $300,000 on a nursery for the son she does not yet have.
Her Beverly Hills mansion has two children’s bedrooms, a “nanny suite” and a playroom “with storage space for toys and clothes”.

The wardrobes may already be full of choice garments, all monogrammed with the initials AA - letters that invoke images of a cry for help (Alcoholics Anonymous, the Automobile Association, Adam Ant), but which now suggest hope and love.

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