Testing Times

‘GIVEN his small size, it’s a wonder how much space Peter Andre takes up in this week’s OK!.

The scan shows that the embryo looks just like its dad

The singer is the celebrity world’s answer to a sea monkey – drop pellet-sized Pete into a room full of life-giving cameras and watch is amazement as he grows, grows, grows!

But even Pete can only grow so much since he’s chosen to share his space with Jordan, that other burgeoning celeb who’s busting out all over the place.

Having seeped into reality TV, glamour modelling, TV presenting and the music industry, Jordan is now, once again, spreading into motherhood.

She will then move into matrimony.

But before the white dress, she and Pete would like to tell us all about the baby growing inside Jordan’s tum-tum.

And let’s begin at the beginning, with Peter telling us that he was “90 per cent careful” when making out with his beloved – “if you know what I mean!”

We haven’t the foggiest idea what you mean, Pete. But it seems that even 10 per cent of your acorn can do the business. So, on yer, as your Australian kin are wont to say.

And after the foreplay of conception, Jordan says she knew she was pregnant when she “didn’t come on”.

The pair then despatched Peter’s brother to dash out to buy a pregnancy test kit. Then another one. Then another. Until they had used eight or nine tests.

Then there was the first scan, which showed that everything was fine and dandy. (Phew!)

Which was followed by the cravings - Jordan has gone off dairy products and raw onions!

And then we arrive at the moment of birth. That time is still four months away, but when it comes Jordan says she’s ready and won’t have a Caesarean because “I’m not to posh to push”.

While we wonder what Jordan is too posh for (nude cock fighting?), she tells us that she might then get a nanny, and Pete says he’ll be “firm but fair” when raising the nipper.

And then the story ends. But we imagine what follows will be an invitation to little Silicone’s first birthday party, a blessing from the Pope and the chance to watch Jordan get her figure back with the aid of two watermelons, some needle and thread and much more of that un-posh pushing…’

Posted: 8th, March 2005 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink