LEMBIT Opik MP and his Cheeky Girl Gabi, Britain’s’ answer to Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni, are in Hello! talking about their engagement.

Says Lembit: “My fellow parliamentarians have always been very warm towards me and Gabriela. When she joined me in the Commons one evening, a queue of MPs formed to give her a hug and wish her well.”

You can picture the scene as John Prescott warms his hard on his tray of sweet and sour prawn balls and moves in for the interfratisulated clinch, asking her if there any more like her at ‘ome.

Hello! wants to know what the response has been like to the impending nuptials in Gabi’s native Romania?

“Everybody in Romania has followed every single step of our relationship,” says she,” and Lembit is popular there so the news has been well–received there too.”

Lembit Opik, Liberal Democrat MP for Montgomeryshire, is a hit in Romania? Anorak recalls how Norman Wisdom was big in communist Albania, and how David Hasselhoff achieved pop music success in irony free Germany. Is Opik the Tom Jones of the Carpathians?

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“MEG MATTHEWS RETURNS TO PRIMROSE HILL,” says Hello magazine.

Matthews, who was for a time married to jobbing John Lennon impersonator Noel Gallagher, lives in a “box house”.

What a box house is we cannot say for certain, but we have every reason to imagine it smells of new shoes, stale air and tobacco. It is, though, not a magic box because Matthews is keen for her daughter Anais to be creatively stimulated and not “sat at home playing Nintendo”.

Meg is billed as “rock chick” but she sounds like a middle-class housewife from the Home Counties. She has just bought Anais her “first pony”, Megastar, and the young scamp “spends every waking minute at our local stables”.

Those Londoners who know of stables in Primrose Hill can now realise that the layers of turd that cover the green space are not all made by dogs and wayward clubbers but horses, too.

So keen is Anais on riding that we see her sat on a large orange plastic dog. Matthews has spent periods in rehab and we wonder if this is Megastar, and if pretending it is a live pony is part of Anais’ creative education?

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SOMETHING borrowed, something blue, something old and something new.
Ivana Trump’s wedding has it all, although which is which is best left to others to decipher.

All we can say is that the groom Rossano Rubicondi looks so new he shines like buffer tuppeny bit, the moon is blue and the wedding march is borrowed from the film Rocky.

And here comes Ivan, 59-year-old former model and jobbing Mrs Donald Trump, now working as National Enquirer’s agony aunt.

Ivana is dressed in pastel tones. The invitation, as Hello! explains, stipulates that women must wear pastel shades, but avoid yellow or pink, which would clash with the bride’s hair and natural-look skin tones.

Rossano in clad from his teeth to his tails in gleaming white. His bum might be in the smaltz as Old Mr Anorak says, but he scrubs up well.

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IT’S “CHA-CHA Charmer Brendan Cole”.

There’s Brendan on the cover of Hello! magazine.

“I’ve been in relationships before but this one is right. I’m mad about Zoe,” says the swivel-eyed (surely swivel-hipped) Strictly Come Dancing dancer.

Brendan is the “BAD BOY OF BALLROOM”. He’s a rumba lot, a cock-sure farucca

There’s a photo montage with he and Zoe featuring a horse, Brendon tucking his thumb in his jeans and Brendon staring at Zoe, madly.

In one particularly telling shot, a keeper, the shiny face of pro-celebrity ballroom tosses his head back and give a toothsome laugh.

The Anorak cannot help but think of Rick Mayall in his Young Ones pomp. Rick (“with the silent ‘P’”) was wont to throw his head back and laugh like a hyena with its testicles tucked in a steel trap.

DANIELLE Bux is Gary Linker’s lover.

Former air hostess Danielle, 28, is telling Hello! how she met the 47-year-old former England football and BBC TV presenter at a blind date meal in London.
Says Danielle, via the Sun: “I was surprised how much younger he looked than on TV. I was so nervous I could hardly eat – so he finished my pasta as I went to the loo.”

In the Mail, this anecdote is fleshed out: “I can eat what I want to a certain extent but my only rule is no carbs after 6pm. But then that goes out the window if we are out for dinner.”

Unless she’s out with Gary.

With Gary it’s the perfect match, a Match of the Day, even. He gets the energy-giving carbohydrates and she gets to stay slim.

The Mail says Miss Bux is a “lingerie model” but stops short of revealing her long term plans. Gary Linker models crisps.

“THIS is amazing,” says Adele Silva. “He feels so smooth and although he’s very big, he’s incredibly gentle.”

This is Adele Silva, former Emerdale soap actress and runner up on pro-celebrity cooking on Hell’s Kitchen.

This is Adele Silva telling Hello! magazine of “LOVE AFTER ANTONY”.

Antony is Antony from the now matured adolescent boy band Blue.

And this is a dolphin in Adele’s arms, as the celebrity swims in the azure water off Barbados.

“My feet haven’t touched the ground,” says Adele, pictured lying on a massive bed chair.

Hell’s Kitchen put her career on the map. Since then Adele has been asked to write her own autobiography and launch a perfume.

She turned down both, preventing us from reading about her first 27 years and denying us her essence (a dash of old barn, two parts to one part Mr Msucels lemon and lime).

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ASKS Hello!” magazine of Anne Diamond, who walked off Celebrity Fit Club:

“Some hurtful things have been written about your struggle with your size. Have you become thick-skinned?”

Or just big boned? Anne…

“IN her own words Jemima Khan tells of her gift to women and children affected by HIV,” says Hello.

Says Jemima: “In the time it takes you to read this, ten more children will have died.”

Whenever we read such a line, the temptation is to read slowly…

(…and give generously)

HARD to look at the picture of Damian Hurley that graces the cover of Hello! and not hear the slashing music of the Omen films.

There’s Damian sat between mother Liz and Arun Nayaer, his step-father.

Damian is pictured sat before a wall of yellow balloons. He wears a red tie under a grey jumpers over a grey shirt, grey socks, grey soft cotton, possibly cashmere, shorts.

He is using a pink pen to draw upon a pink piece of paper. He smiles a toothless smile and looks into the camera.

Inside, and Damian and Liz are sharing a kiss on the lips. He is here to support his mother’s work for a charity called Kids. Damian is five. Damian is a young man.

Hurley says Damian wanted to wear his page boy uniform from her wedding. She says: “He’s uncannily like me and I’m very in tune with him.”

Damian is “obsessed with tea parties”. Damian steps up to help Mr Marvel, a magician brought into entertain the more fortunate unfortunates massed in a Chelsea town house.

Magic. Something frightening.

And the music strikes up. Always the music…

CORRECTION: The Hello! magazine headline

“KEVIN COSTNER AND WIFE CHRISTINE INTRODUCE SON CAYDEN TO THE GREAT OUTDOORS”

should read:

THE GREAT OUTDOORS IS INTRODUCED TO KEVIN COSTNER AND WIFE CHRISTINE’S SON CAYDEN

We apologise for any offence caused…

SAYS Christiana Aguilera in HELLO! magazine: “I’d read horror stories about tearing. I really wanted a calm and peaceful environment. I didn’t want any surprises.”
Miss Aguilera opted to give birth by C(elebrity)-Section, forgoing the option of a peace-making Scientology birthing dummy and drugs in favour of the safer option of being cut open.

“It’s just an unbelievable experience,” says she, “the whole journey…”

Anorak can remember when celebrities talked about being in “that place”. Now they make a “journey”. You get in the car. They make a journey.

“We can’t stop staring at him,” says Christina. “We study him.”

And now thanks to her photo montage, so can we…

ROD Stewart’s children, Kimberly, Ruby and Sean, are showing HELLO!” readers around their Beverly Hills mansion.

It’s not far from Rod’s pad. “Kimberly and Ruby will pop over to Dad’s place to borrow spices, while Rod can wander past the courtyard fountain and look in to borrow a corkscrew.”

Can it be that Rod does not own a corkscrew? Or is he forever losing them? Should Rod take to wearing one on a chain about his neck?

Rod Stewart was born in 1945, a time when you could leave your front door open and neighbours would nip over to borrow a cup of sugar, a tube of Ricketts Rub and for a look at your radio.

Admittedly, spice is not sugar, but that’s change for you. And Rod has always sought to move with the times.

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READERS of Hello Magazine  says that the Most Attractice women in the world is…Britney Spears!

Over 110,000 votes were cast in the magazine’s Most Attractive Woman poll and Spears scored 26 per cent of them?

Of course, this being a poll, readers were not presented with the names of two billion and more women, rather a select group.

It turns out that Spears is more attractive than Sporty Spice.

It also means that someone has to finish bottom of the poll and be labelled the Least Attractive Most Attractive Woman in The World. This year it’s Nadine Coyle, one part of the Girls Aloud, the slutty Nolan Sisters tribute Act.  

Whether Coyle is now relegated to the lower divisions remains to be seen, swapping places in the upper echelons with Lily Allen or Kerry Katona…  

HELLO! introduces readers to a “Rare and intimate insight into the life of the French President”.

Nicholas Sarkozy is not naked, but dressed in the Emperor’s, if not new then washed and ironed clothes of white shirt, black trousers and leather brogues.

Those of us used to seeing Sarkozy in his swimmers will be surprised and perhaps even a little shocked at his unfamiliar get up.

Some may even be angry. Not a day passes without Sarkozy provoking a riot and as he applies his cufflinks, one expects to hear news of a disgruntled Frenchman setting alight to his Renault Megane.

Sarkozy is then pictured peeping out through some net curtains. Does he fear he is being watch, in which instant he may get a fright if he were to turn and set eyes the Hello! snappers. Sarkozy’s look of insouciance creates the illusion that this is nothing special and every day he really does look in the mirror, have someone hand him a hairbrush and sit behind a massive desk.

As if…

PRINCE William is leaning to fly planes. He is not the only Royal flyer. The Prince of Wales, The Duke of York and The Earl of Wessex can all fly a plane. It is the cause of much excitement on the cover of Hello! magazine.

Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother once took the controls of the de Havilland Comet I jet. She told us: “I am delighted to tell you that today I took over as first pilot of a Comet aircraft. We exceeded a reading of 0.8 Mach at 40,000 ft. What the passengers thought, I really wouldn’t like to say! Elizabeth R., Hon. Air Commodore, 600 Squadron.”

King George VI, King Edward VIII, the Duke of Gloucester and the Duke of Kent all learnt to fly in the 1920s and 1930s.

Either the Royals like to get away from it all, or else they are preparing for an evacuation. Hence, the Queen’s Flight, literally.

Come the revolution, the Windsors will be many thousands of feet up in the air, each in a separate aircraft lest they all perish as one and Sarah Ferguson is the last remaining member of their tribe and proclaimed Queen…

WHO knew that Ruud Gullit would be delivering his “sexy football” to David Beckham’s Los Angeles Galaxy team?

The two have more in common than just football. In Hello!, Gullit shows the world his Amsterdam home where “pride of place” goes to a certificate her received from Nelson Mandela.

Beckham has also met Mandela. Everyone has to meet Mandela, it being a rite of celebrity passage. At any moment of the day, there is a line of twenty five celebrities stood outside Mandela’s home waiting to meet the man.

Some will get a certificate, others a photo to cherish or a £10 book token and the advice to be good.

Back to Gullit who tells us: “Celebrity does not impress me… I think many people confuse LA with Hollywood. It is a big city, people work, they do not spend their lives going to parties.”

So what about David Beckham? “He is just another player to me,” says Gullit, “I am looking forward to working with the whole team.” It’s not all about David Beckham.

“How well do you know, David?” asks Hello!. Then: “David has drawn criticism in England for posing in his pants for an Armani ad campaign. Ho do you feel about that?”

Says Estelle Gullit, Ruud’s wife: “When I first met Victoria Beckham, I thought ‘My God,. She is so slim.!”

Slim. Nothing of it. Vicky’s just anther working mum bring up her kids in LA…