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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
The Natioanl Enquirer’s weekly look at life in the Hollywood Hills, with zip-on hair, inflatable breasts and someone else’s spouse
GOOD news for the hard of seeing as Britney Spears engages in phone sex with her former husband Mr Kevin Federline, aka K-Ferret.
The Enquirer reports of “titillating chatter, phone calls and Britney’s “soft spot for sex”.
And K-Federline is quite the phone sex stud, being what one source calls “long-winded”. He can “go on forever”.
K-Ferret is a regular orator with call minutes to burn a phone plan that demands action.
THE grim news in the National Enquirer is that Angelina Jolie has “suffered a shocking FALL!”
The still worse news is found on the cover of Grazia, and it is that Angelina’s new “baby” is worth £4million. What fears that the child will struggle to feed and clothe itself high in the Hollywood Hills?
Dealing with each shock in turn, the Enquirer can confirm that Angelina fell over in a room and was left “tearful, weak and panic-stricken” (see A Mighty Heart).
As luck would have it, the medical team that accompany Angelina (a doctor and nurse expert in giant panda reproduction and celebrity births) made sure the babies were alright.
Both embryonic girls are said to be fine, but Grazia says only one of them is worth £4million, so invoking a princess and the pauper scenario that should have all the planet gripped.
TO celebrate Tom Cruise’s 25 years since his big break in Risky Business, Anorak has been reenacting Tom’s best scenes. And Tom has a new website.
Today’s we’ve been using the actual Airfix fighter jet Tom sat in for those Top Gun action sequences, and some of the toy soldiers and play-dough figures that were also used in the original.
Goose was sadly sat upon by one of the accounts team, and now doubles as Tom’s wheelchair in Born On The Fourth Of July.
Today Tom’s in the National Enquirer, on account of his wife’s stint at Gold Base, the Scientology rewiring centre in Hemet, California.
WANT to know “all the shocking details” about Hillary Clinton’s “LESBIAN SCANDAL”?
The Enquirer has all the details.
The race for the Democratic nomination to be US President is tuning into a minority issue. On the one side is black, mixed-race, Christian, Muslim, elitist, one-legged, part Cherokee Barack Obama and on the other is mum, wife, cuckold, trouser-suit wearer, mountaineer fan, sniper-dodging, nut crushing, shot-putting lactose intolerant Hillary Clinton.
We are only upset that the one-eyed black Jew Sammy Davis Junior did not long enough to see such a show.
But what of the lesbian scandal?
MORE on the celebrity suicide cult, with today’s guest stars Heather Locklear and Pete Wentz.
The Enquirer reports on Locklear “SUICIDE TERROR”, which on further reading becomes “HEATHER LOCKLEAR SUICIDE RIDDLE”.
The Enquirer quotes TMZ.com – which is a bit like Paul Burrell quoting Heather Mills. It hears a call to the emergency services. The call is from Locklear’s residence, or near her home, or near a home.
A voice on the line says: “I have a patient, and I have a feeling she’s suicidal.” Locklear. It just has to be. But it isn’t. Although it could have been.
Just as Pete Wentz, an American pop star with a younger sister called Hillary has not died.
Says he: “I got in my car. I remember I was listening to Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and sat there and took a bunch of [anxiety drug] Ativan in a Best Buy parking lot. And I called up my manager because I was, at that point, completely out of my head with Ativan. And I was talking to him and I was slurring my words, so he called my mom and my mom called me and she came and got me and we went to the hospital.”
Given the money at these star’s disposal, why don’t they end it all in Switzerland, a country with a liberal view on suicide? Indeed, Switzerland is a country that can engender suicidal thoughts in just about anyone, a bit like an American star’s agent…
“HULK HOGAN LOVE CHILD SCANDAL,” screams the National Enquirer from its front page.
Hogan is the bald, neon fringed, varnished skinned, 6ft 5in, wrinkle-proof pro-wrestler-turned actor. You’d imagine that any child Hulk sired would be easy to spot.
It turns out that Christiane Plante, mistress to the Hulk, and his daughter Brooke’s “best pal”, is not pregnant, but Hulk would like her to be.
“NATIONAL ENQUIRER WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PATRICK SWAYZE HAS 5 WEEKS TO LIVE”
How exclusive is exclusive? Does Swayze know?
In a shocking world exclusive, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER has uncovered the devastating news that the beloved Hollywood actor and dancer was diagnosed in late January with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs.
If true, it’s grim news. If untrue, it’s grim news…
HER films may smell like the insides of Dustin the Turkey’s post-binge cage but they do enable Jennifer Aniston to meet men.
And what is Aniston’s career but a chance to meet men?
As the Enquirer reports, after three years Jennifer Aniston is “getting even with Brangelina”. This is “JEN’S PAYBACK!”.
Aniston is recording a new film with Aaron Eckhart. We learn that Jen and her actor friend are now “inseperable on and off set”.
Anorak readers will recall how Vince starred in The Break Up, a movie in which - irony of irnies - Jen met co-star Vince Vaughn and then - get this! - broke up with him.
Now she is recording a new rom-com film with Eckhart, traveling to Vancouver with him to record the film - whoaaa! - Traveling.
Dame Edna Everage would doubtless call this spooky. And we are tempted to adopt her phrasing. But let us not jinx this revenge romance, but allow it to take its natural course, to develop into a journey…
KEVIN Federline’s mother is called Julie Bleak.
A cause for relief and much rejoicing at Anorak.
When Anorak began there were just five celebrities – Hardi Amies, Noel Edmonds, Noele Gordon, Princess Diana and Nookie Bear.
Now there number is many. We hung on for while but became confused around the time Danni Minogue rose to prominence, and began to fail with the arrival of pin-codes, passwords and Big Brother.
Good then to find names that say so much about their owners. Federline seems entirely suited to Mr Britney Spears who had, as was the popular gossip, fed Britney a line and won fair maiden.
Now it turns out he is a living saint. But Federline sticks.
Now in the National Enquirer story to illustrate the lives of Jayden James and Sean Preston, Britney’s and Federline’s sons, we hear of the nippers’ “constant nightmares” and Julie Bleak.
The name Bleak sticks. Anorak can add it to the list, between Barry Sheen and Buzby…
IT costs $150,000 to looks like Mariah Carey.
And, very possibly, a whole lot more not to.
The Enquirer looks at the chartreuse and with the use of “arrows”, “guesswork” and the I Spy Cosmetic Surgery spotters’ book, notices a number of adaptations to the Carey original.
“Botox forehead and frown lines,” says an arrow aimed at Carey’s taught forehead.
(10 points, spotters!)
“Nose job,” says another arrow (15 points). “Fat-grafted cheeks, chemical peels and fillers,” (5, 9 and 10 points) says the arrow angled towards Carey’s face, and wardrobes.
There is a “second breast enlargement” (16 points, pair of); “lipo on upper and lower abs” (22 points); lipo on “outer and inner thighs” (15 points).
“Lipo on waist and hips” (32.3 points, recurring).
Tot the lot up and it is pretty clear that Dr Tony Youn, whose work with arrows and guessology we are observing, is on the money.
Anorak spys a big career for Dr Tony at the Enquirer. And a chance to win Anorak’s Celebrity Expert award – a statuette fashioned into a wet, raised finger…
“PSYCHO BRITNEY – THE END!
“BYE BYE BRIT,” says the Enquirer cheerily.
“As troubled pop tart is carted off to psycho ward, top doc says she is FINISHED”.
Britney Spears is “burned-out”.
It’s a “flame out”.
“The Britney we know is over.”
The end, death, finale and (looks at thesaurus), departure of Britney Spears continues for three pages, and very possibly in next week’s issue…
The end.
“ANGIE Test Tube TWINS!”
A look through the Geographical Institute and John Bartholomew’s 1953 tome ‘Regional Atlas of the World’ finds no mention of Test Tube, in any variant.
Is Angelina Jolie branching out to pastures unknown in her quest for new children? Is her pregnancy journey a voyage of discovery, literally?
Reading on in the National Enquirer, we discover that the twins were not conceived in the town of Test, Tube, nor Test Tube, rather in a laboratory.
In a land far, far away…
IT’S Kevin Federline’s Hell ‘n’ Tell, the moment K-Ferret spills the beans on his marriage to Britney Spears.
The National Enquirer says Federline will get $10million to tell the world all about those bits of Britney’s life that they don’t already know.
The magazine hears “insiders” says the tome will contain anecdotes on sex and violent outbursts. Says a source: “He’s been writing things down for a long time about his tempestuous time with Britney.”
So too has the National Enquirer. And OK!. And heat. And the Sun. And the News of the World, the Mail, the Mirror, People, Perez Hilton, Hello!, Star, Varicose Veins Today, Darning Now! and the Waitrose Food magazine.
We can expect a slew of book on Britney unseen. Here’s a taster of things to come:
Briney’s Rehab Days: Be Well ‘n’ Tell
Britney’s Holiday Sheets: Motel ‘n’ Tell
Britney’s Swimming Strokes: Swell ‘n’ Tell
Britney’s Staff: Personnel ‘n’ Tell
And many, many more…
“ANGIE’S TWISTED HUNGER FOR VIOLENCE,” announces the National Enquirer’s cover page.
There’ a picture of Angelina Jolie brandishing a gun. She’s aiming at the Enquirer’s readers. And this below the headline “BRITNEY’S DEAD”.
Surely Angelina can find other children to adopt and can leave Sean Preston and Jayden James alone? “What will happen to Britney’s boys?” wonders the Enquirer. Both are white and blonde. And Jolie already has a big one and a small one of those.
Chances are they will have to remain with their father, Kevin Federline, or else we should hope Britney lives on.
Which brings us to Angelina and her gun…
“BRITNEY DEAD IN 6 MONTHS!” announces the Enquirer.
Anyone wishing to buy tickets for Britney Spears’ tour in August would do well to save their money, or spend it on some Britney goods which will, after her demise, be worth something more.
The predictive Enquirer is dated January 21, which means Britney will die on July 21, 2008.
Perhaps Britney should be told, so as to put her affairs in order?
As for the date, is it auspicious? Channel 4 has yet to produce 100 Best July 21 Moments, the results of a popular survey, but if it does it will include:
1403 - Battle of Shrewsbury: King Henry IV of England defeats rebels to the north of the county town of Shropshire
1969 - Neil A. Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin become the first men to walk on the Moon
2005 - Four terrorist bombings, occurring exactly two weeks after the similar July 7 bombings, target London’s public transportation system
Events by date make unusual bedfellow, and added to the list will be the death of Britney Spears death. Perhaps Buzz Aldrin could comment on it?
Of course, Britney may not die, which could make the date no less memorable to the Enquirer which will publish “SHE’S ALIVE!” across its front pages and the news that Britney has comeback from the dead….
THE National Enquirer “Scandals of 2007” finds no space for Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman, known to tens of satellite TV viewers as Dog The Bounty Hunter.
Dog, who resembles a flayed and boiled Dr Zaius, from Planet of the Apes, makes a living chasing bad guys down in his oversized truck while in the company of his progeny and his separated-at-birth wife Beth.
Dog apologized for his transgression. His son had taped his dad telling him to stop dating a black girl, because she was a “f***ing n***er”. The boy sold the recording for a reported $15,000 to the Enquirer, which now overlooks the incident.
As the storm broke, Dog issued one of the best apologies of all time: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people.”
Dog is so cool with black people he calls them all niggers. It’s not his fault, you see. His words are taken out of context. Had the tape rolled on we would have heard Dog call not only his son’s girlfriend a “fucking nigger” but his black friends too. The Dog does not discriminate.
He went on, mewling like a scalded sharpei: “There’s a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, ‘I’m black, too.’
“In other words, my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that…so when I stood there and said, ‘I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too,’ that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers…say the word.”
The Dog dares to empathise. Bounty hunter: Bounty bar - black on the outside and white within.
“I now learned I’m not black at all, and I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, ‘Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.’ And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.”
And TV producers would take his show off the air and the Enquirer would forget to include him in its review of the year…And, no, it is not because he is black…
