It all went terribly wrong when Sandford arrived at the Variety Club Awards. The Variety Club is a charity helps young, disabled and disadvantaged children. Sandford, currently dating McFly singer Dougie Poynter, arrived on the red carpet wearing a short dress through which a section of her backside was peeking out.

We had thought she’d worn it for the children, to cheer them up. But it turns out that showing your bum in public was all a terrific mistake. Did you see it? Did you? Says Sandford:

“When we went down the red carpet the photographers kept asking us to turn around and look over our shoulders. It wasn’t until afterwards that Mollie and Una pointed out that the reason they kept asking was because my dress had a big slit right on my bum cheek! Now it all makes sense!”

You know how it is – the stylist hands you a dress in the pitch black, you put it on and step out before you’ve had a chacne to look in the mirror. There are peek-a-boo gaps in the front of the dress too.

It’s all terrifically embarrassing. And having got Sanford in the papers once, the terrible dress now means she is in Old Mr Anorak’s alBum…

After the jump: NSFW – unless you work in the Saturdays… And do pay attention to Frankie’s fans - the ones who come to stare:

(Dieksmann. Penis. Might this be nominative determinism)

The mural, by Peter Lenk, says “Peace be with You”. There are images reflects Bild’s headline scremers:

“Emasculated by the mother-in-law’s dachshund”
“Federal Court of Justice: Now everyone can say pecker”
“First goal scored with a penis!”

It’s the latest volley in a row rooted in Die Tageszeitung’s claim that Dieksmann had undergone a failed penis extension operation. It was meant to be funny. Ha-ha.

So funny was it that Diekmann sued and Die Tageszeitung retracted. Diekmann would later post the penis article on a blog he’s been writing for Bild. Tageszeitung’s staff concluded that Diekmann’s privates had become part of the public domain. And here’s the art.

As protests go, daubing a huge penis on the side of your own office building and advertising a rival’s stories seem self-defeating.

But is it the worst protest ever? Take a look:

* Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever

Penis On The Roof: The 10 Biggest Penises In History

Spotter: The Local

The pictures (NSFW):

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 22

How erotic are they?

The Juggle - In Pictures: Giovanni Trapattoni Salutes Thierry Henry’s Hand Of Gaul

The Tribute - Ireland Cheers For Thierry Henry’s Goal Of Hurt: In Pictures

henry2

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 14

Laydeesandgentalmeen, we give you Rita Marcalo. Rolling-Eyed Rita will dance for 24-hours. She will not sleep. She will appear under strobe lighting. This is not exploitation, viewers - this is “conceptual and physical interfaces between dance, movement and epilepsy”.

This sit not paying the sufferer loadsa money to perform for our titillation and amusement. This is art, you ignorant heathen.

Marcalo the Manic of Mayhem says epilepsy is “an invisible disability” and the show at the Bradford Playhouse will explore “my ‘other’ identity as a disabled person”.

Should Marcalo not fit on cue, the paying punters will be educated by other dancers, perhaps like Tony ‘The Tourette’s’ Tarantella, who accompanies each body movement by turning to members of the Arts Council and screaming “F*CK OFF YOU BUNCH OF C****S”; Alzheimer’s Annie whose Maypole dance has yet to make ait all the way round the pole and Hot Gossip.

Says The Playhouse:

“At any point in the event Marcalo might have an epileptic seizure. Whenever this happens, a loud alarm will sound, lights will brighten, music will stop and a series of cameras will start recording her seizure. Audience members will be encouraged to record it on their mobile phones.”

And point and laugh to further highlight the horror of it all and make the invisible seen. It’s what art demands…

Says Camilla: “This is how I dinged that white Fiat Uno.” Allegedly.

8046537

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 3

The Duchess of Cornwall leans down to receive a kiss from a young girl as Jerrod, 3, attempts to pass behind her in the playground of the Freeman Family Centre in Harlesden, north west London.

This is victimless crime, right New Labour? The fat get put out of their misery; the thin don’t have to see the fat; the beautiful people who actually care about their looks get to look more beautiful - so long as they don’t eat the stuff – and the fat finally get to touch thin flesh.

It is alleged that the gang seduced fat people from the Huanuco and Pasco regions with the promise of jobs. They then liquidised them- literally. A bottle of liquidised fatso sells for $15,000 (£9,000) a litre.

Take care, fatties. Five other suspects, including two Italian nationals, remain at large (geddit?).

Police Cmdr Angel Toledo tells Reuters says that suspects had “declared and stated how they murdered people with the aim being to extract their fat in rudimentary labs and sell it“.

It is, of course, a revolting story about revolting people. But does anyone not think that New Labour nannies are reading this and rubbing their tight chins.

Liposuction for all! Forward with lipo! Cool Britannia in a body butter and fast mask.

Buy now! Buy often!

Amazon as founded 14-year ago – and Susan Boyle has given it the online retailer it 14th press release about which album has been its most pre-ordered of the year.

It’s not half bad. But this is an album sold on hype and the idea what Susan Boyle is an angel on earth. It’s not? Take a look at the front page of the Express (left).

Do you see the light? It’s the cashier.

Next!

And the Daily Star reports that Peter Andre “buys huge family pad to win back Katie.”

It’s a fact! Now read on:

“Peter Andre could be splashing out £3milliomn on a new home as ex-wife Kate Price relives the first dramatic moments of their jungle romance.”

Let’s analyse the Star’s scoop of poop.

“PETE’S LOVENEST” – that’s the paper’s headline – becomes news that he “could” buy a big home.

Katie Price is now Kate Price. As well as Jordan, there are now three versions of the glamour model.

And Katie Price, as we know her, is reliving the moments of she and Peter Andre’s first forays into the jungle, and will be slipping between the hammocks to fondle an acorn sandwiched between two boxes of Cheetos.

Such are the facts.

In other news. Peter does irony and delivers no-news news:

He wrote: “I know a lot of you have asked me about my thoughts on I’m A Celeb, but unfortunately this year I haven’t seen it.”

His thoughts are that he has no thoughts.

The Katie Price Burning: A Life In Pictures

She also wanted 100 white doves, presumably to give the kittens something to kill while they waited the big moment. She was denied on both counts. There can be only one Susan Boyle. What Carey did get was a big Blue Peter wand made from KitKat wrappers and a bent coat hanger and lots of “butterfly-shaped” confetti scraped up from a wedding party at nearby Willesden Magistrates Court. The pictures:

8047956

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 8

Mariah Carey launches her new fragrance, Forever - the world's first scent that lasts forever

1. C’est La France

He was shrugging. At the moment of impact (1). Henry was thinking about existentialism and the modern man. He asked himself a question and answered it in traditional fashion, with a Gallic shrug. Henry then responded to his own answer to his own question with a second shrug (2).

2. For Culture

Henry knew that Ireland would not win the World Cup. The likelihood of them being robbed in South Africa while literally high was on the field only a remote hope. Henry sought to give the Irish something to feel aggrieved and, therefore, inspired about for four years of drinking, poetry and song.

3. For England

“I don’t cheat. I don’t have a bad reputation in England…” So said Thierry Henry. He still doesn’t have a bad reputation in England, particularly those places where hardcore Loyalists hang out where he is revered.

4. The Anatomical Dyslexic

Was it his hand? At the the 2006 World Cup Finals, Henry was struck in the chest by Spain’s Carlos Puyol. Henry held his face. Did he use his hand to beat Ireland? No, says Henry. It was my big toe, n’est pas.

5. Numero Uno

Playing in Paris, Henry saw a chance to reintroduce the death of Princess Diana to the fore. Mirror. Hand signal. Manoeuvre. It’s the Henry mantra. It’s the French mantra.

6. Maradona

FAI chief John Delaney asks of Henry:

“Does he want to be remembered like Maradona?”

Answer: Yes. Please.

7. The Campaign

When Henry’s Arsenal were cheated in the 2001 FA Cup final by the hand of Liverpool’s Stephane Henchoz. Henry opined:

“Maybe they should have video referees.”

Nothing was done. So now Henry asks the question again.

8. He’s French.

9. He’s a typical footballer.

Henry has tired of being portryed as superhuman idol. He craves humility. What could he do to reduce his standing? Et voila!

10. He’s a cheat.

In Pictures: Giovanni Trapattoni Salutes Thierry Henry’s Hand Of Gaul

Ireland Cheers For Thierry Henry’s Goal Of Hurt: In Pictures

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 10

Thierry Henry cheats by intuition. The boy's a natural!

Featuring Behati Prinsloo, Marisa Miller, Heidi Klum, Doutzen Kroes, Miranda Kerr, Alessandra Ambrosio, the Black Eyed Peas and a host of underwear enthusiasts:

8049421

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 55

Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson and the Black Eyed Peas perform at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, at the Lexington Armory in New York on November 19, 2009. The fashion show is scheduled to air on the CBS Television Network, Tuesday, December 1, 10pm ET and PT.

(One imagines that dog enthusiasts can make use of the device too, as can smokers looking for a novelty ashtray.) It’s been designed by veterinarians to seduce dogs in heat. When trapped the dogs’ loins are wired to a wheel attached to a dynamo.

Hotdoll hosts a plastic tank with a removable silicone tube. It retails at 399 euros. A giant model will now be designed for large dogs, and engorged owners. We make no comment, just bring you the dog sex toy picture gallery:

Christmas Gifts: Laptop Steering Wheel Desk By Mobile Office Outsells PS3

8049009

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 5

Beg

The 10 Men Most Likely To Marry Katie Price

One man invested in some. One problem might be if they inherit character traits of the previous owner. If so, look out for him squiring Peter Andre, singing in Eurovision and jumping so hard that they rearrange his features…

For Cheryl, June and all the Anorak ladies:

The Katie Price Burning: A Life In Pictures

Former Vice President Al Gore was in Seattle Tuesday to speak at Town Hall and promote his new book, “Our Choice: Creating a Green Future.”

It’s choice? Al Fore is a man who aligns deed with word - he’s recycling his old joke at GreenBeat 2009

“I am Al Gore I used to be the next president of the United States.”

In Phoenix:

“I am Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States”

In 2007:

“I am Al Gore. I used to be the next president of the United States,”

Portland:

I am Al Gore and I used to be the next president of the United States of America,

In his film

“I am Al Gore. I used to be the next president of the United States of America,

Also in Milan, Pittsburgh, in 2006, Denver, in 2004, college and so on.

Al Gore gets to all these places by swimming and walking.

As for the weather in Seattle:

RAIN AND SNOW. SNOW LEVEL 4500 FT … SNOW ACCUMULATION 2 TO 5 INCHES … SHOWERS. SNOW LEVEL 3500 FEET. SNOW ACCUMULATION 2 TO 5 INCHES … SNOW. SNOW LEVEL 1500 FEET … RAIN AND SNOW. SNOW LEVEL 4000 FEET … MOSTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF RAIN AND SNOW. SNOW LEVEL 4000 FEET … RAIN AND SNOW LIKELY.

Al’s Gore’s blown into town…

I’M A Celebrity Watch

Here’s what the front pages are saying about I’m Katie Price…Get Me A Crocodile Penis And Make It Snappy:

Daily Star (front page): “JORDAN: I’LL QUIT JUNGLE OF HATE”

Defo! Katie Price will quit. Nothing can stop her!

The Sun (front page): “JORDAN IN QUIT THREAT”

She’s going. She’s really is going. (She turns. Looks over shoulder. Stops. Waits.) “I’m going. I am going to go now. Going now… Do not try and stop me. Going. (Stares hard at camera.) I’m going.” Cries. Gets. Hugs.

Daily Mirror (front page): “I MAY WALK OUT THE JUNGLE”

Ok. She might go. Possibly.

Fans of ex-hubby Peter Andre, 36, are waging a campaign to urge people to vote for her. Jordan’s mum Amy Price said yesterday: “It kind of goes back to the process of ‘Let’s stone them’.”

Well, if we are entertained, why not. Brings on the stones! It’s time to pebble dash Jordan…

In other news, Katie Price is going back into the jungle again:

An ITV source said: “NBC is prepared to re-arrange scheduling to get Katie.

“Love her or hate her, they’ve seen the incredible impact she’s had on British viewers and want her to sprinkle some of that magic Jordan dust.

“It would help launch her in America - which is what she wants.”

See pictures of busty stars here.

I’m A Celebrity’s Sam Fox’s Career In Pictures

Me And My Chest: Peter Andre’s Career in Pictures

The Katie Price Burning: A Life In Pictures

(Anorak readers have been asking for more pictures of young, buff men, for research purposes. And we have listened. Pay attention to the images of Doutzen Kroes Miranda Kerr, in which nice men feature…)

Pictures of the show here.

8049415

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 28

Miranda Kerr at work

Of course, Demi says she has never had any cosmetic surgery – proof here – which suggests her left hip has been airbrushed out of existence to best fit the front page.

Demi Moore is 47, rich and has had three children. Her hips are largely redundant. She now has the hips of teenage boy. Also her primary sexual characteristics are alluded to beneath the pelvic fringe of her gold Balmain leotard. Demi Moore has balls to pull this outfit on and off. Possibly.

Of course, this is just how Demi Moore looks in real life. No trickery. No surgery. A W apologist tells Jezebel.com with admirable ambiguity that the organ “did not do anything unusual or out of the ordinary on Demi Moore for the photo on the cover of W. Demi is an extraordinary beautiful woman and we feel our cover reflects that.”

What unusual is is a moot point. To the average rural living Russian ,unusual is not having vodka on toast of a morning. To the stars of Hollywood, unusual is having hair without a zip and breasts that you can’t collect in a display cabinet.

What says Demi?

“Here is the original image people my hips were not touched don’t let these people bullshit you!” she tweeted Thursday afternoon. And her is the “original image”.

It’s all about what angle you approach Demi from – from the left, from the right, from a position of envy or as a medical professional marvelling at how Demi doesn’t walk in circles…

Demi Moore Helps Rumer Willis Think Her Way To Bigger Breasts

Rumours are that he doesn’t write his own speeches and might read the words off a machine. But let’s stick to the web.

There is a Barack Obama for every social networking site. FaceBook Obama is married, Bebo Obama likes cats, Tumblr Obama hates Obama, MySpace Obama knows all the words to Who Let The Dogs Out and Reddit Obama has a vegetable shaped like a penis.

The LA Times reports:

The president told a youth audience in Shanghai on Sunday that he has never used Twitter…

“I have never used Twitter, but I’m an advocate of technology and not restricting Internet access,” Obama said during the town hall. “My thumbs are too clumsy to type in things on the phone.”

So if that’s not Obama, you’re talking to who is it? Hang up, kids. Hang up now. It could be anyone.

The New York Times told us:

“It is not only celebrities who are forced to look to a team to produce real-time commentary on daily activities; politicians like Ron Paul have assigned staff members to create Twitter posts and Facebook personas. Candidate Barack Obama, as well as President Obama, has a social-networking team to keep his Twitter feed tweeting.”

Others respond:

“Shocking, given that his account with 2.6m followers has even been ‘verified’ by Twitter headquarters,” said Vicki Kolovou, a web developer.

“I am sad,” says Funuhu from Japan.

Tech President, expressed surprise that anyone was surprised. But even the web savvy raised eyebrows at the idea that Obama had never tweeted.

Techcrunch tells us:

This is interesting considering the Internet, and social media in particular, was considered a large part of his ascension to the Presidency. Obviously, he had a killer team around him that was able to embrace the web without the then-Senator getting too much involved. Still, it’s somewhat surprising that he never sent any of his own tweets during the primaries. And undoubtedly part of us wants to believe that when you see tweets like “This is history,” which was sent on November 7 — or “Humbled” after he won the Nobel Peace Prize in October, that it could the President really sending it. Nope.

So Barack Obama is a liar? His 2,702,136 follwoers are being duped into follwing a PR goon? Which means the real Barack Obama could be anyone. Here’s the secret it’s him. Join the revolution.