Anorak Forums » Backlash

1. Cheryl
   Member

   Eve's side of the story

   After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
   'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

   'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

   It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,'
   reported Eve.

   And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
   came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically
   balanced'.

   'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

   And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
   the bushes.

   Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
   Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

   'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

   God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Lets see where did I put the useless boob?'

   Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

   Posted 1 year ago #

2. agw
   Administrator

   

   Posted 1 year ago #

3. agw
   Administrator

   

   Posted 1 year ago #

4. LonePigeon
   Member

   TREE HUGGING

   While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

   'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

   'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

   'No, would you like to give it a try?'

   Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

   Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

   He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

   When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

   Posted 1 year ago #

5. Saul
   Member

   An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

   Upon her return, her father cursed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
   Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

   The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a
   prostitute "

   "Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace
   to this family."

   "OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
   coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
   £5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

   And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
   that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ...
   (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
   on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ...."

   "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
   Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."
   "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
   Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"

   Posted 1 year ago #

6. chenier
   Member

   A small boy whose Mum had given him one too many hidings was brought to the court so the Judge could decide what to do with him. The Judge suggested that he should go and live with his father instead, but the boy burst into tears and said 'Oh, no! me dad beats me, I don't want to go and live with him!

   'Well', said the Judge, 'what about your grandparents? Would you like to go and live with them?'

   'No', said the boy, bursting into tears again, 'I don't want to go and live with them because they beat me too!'

   By this point the Judge was getting a bit desperate, but he looked at the case file again, and said 'Well, what about your aunt? Would you like to go and live with her?'

   'No!' said the boy, in floods of tears, 'I don't want to go and live with her, because she beats me as well!'

   So the Judge, having run out of ideas, said 'Well, who would you like to go and live with?'

   And the boy stopped crying, and thought about it, and finally said 'Tottenham Hotspur'.

   The Judge was baffled by this, and said to the little boy, 'Why do you want to go and live with Tottenham Hotspur?'

   And the little boy said 'Because Tottenham Hotspur can't beat anyone!'

   Posted 1 year ago #

7. agw
   Administrator

   Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.

   Posted 1 year ago #

8. agw
   Administrator

   Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over
   lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

   A few days later they meet up for lunch.

   The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
   with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
   'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

   The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
   When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

   The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said,
   'What's for dinner, Batman?'

   Posted 1 year ago #

9. agw
   Administrator

   This one just in from KL Malaya and marked as a nice clean one for Anorak:

   Well you just have to post it, don't you?
   
   One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

   He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go. In and meet with President Bush.'

   The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr Bush is no longer President and no longer resides here.'

   The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away .

   The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to The same Marine 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

   The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

   The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

   The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the Very same US Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

   The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr Bush . I've told you already that Mr Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here . Don't you understand?'

   The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just Love hearing it . '

   The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'

   Posted 1 year ago #

10. val
    Member

    [center]

    ONE BAD MAMA

    A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
    One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
    The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
    The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
    The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
    The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
    The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
    The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
    The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama . Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
    The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."

    Posted 1 year ago #

11. chenier
    Member

    Thank you, Val!

    Remind me to sell my Harley...

    Posted 1 year ago #

12. val
    Member

    [center]
    Subject: Jewish Divorce

    A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish

    >couple when
    >
    >the final papers have been signed, and the divorce is complete.
    >
    >
    >
    >The woman thanks the judge and says, 'Now I have to arrange for a
    Ghet.'
    >
    >
    >The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
    >
    >
    >
    >The woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony, required under
    the
    >Jewish religion in order to receive a divorcethat is recognized by the

    >Jewish faith.
    >
    >
    >
    >The judge says,'Oh, you mean a religious ceremony, like a Bris?'
    >(circumcision).
    >
    >
    >
    >She replies, 'Yes, very similar, except that in this case you get rid
    of
    >the entire prick.

    Posted 1 year ago #

13. val
    Member

    [ce The 'Middle Wife' by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher....
    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
    'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach,and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

    'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

    They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

    'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

    'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten.

    Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

    I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

    Now you have two choices....laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

    Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

    Have a wonderful day....

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------]

    Posted 1 year ago #

14. Anonymous
    Unregistered

    Val, I think we should have a camcorder at hand at all times. :-) Life is so funny sometimes...

    Posted 1 year ago #

15. Artemis
    Member

    Chtelaine

    Am I right in thinking you are Chatelaine?

    Posted 1 year ago #

16. val
    Member

    Chatelaine,

    This child had obviously had an early sex education lesson from her Parents, I dont
    know how the teacher kept a straight face!!!!!!!

    Posted 1 year ago #

17. val
    Member

    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we
    should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches
    off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment
    go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What
    the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he
    shook them out.
    'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my
    underwear?'

    She replied ....'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

    Posted 1 year ago #

18. agw
    Administrator

    

    Posted 1 year ago #

19. agw
    Administrator

    

    Posted 1 year ago #

20. June
    Member

    Oh dear....

    Posted 1 year ago #

21. June
    Member

    CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS? I DIDN'T!

    It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

    Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the Cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from Sliding/rolling from under the others.

    The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons Unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.

    The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of Brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

    Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the Brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come Right off the monkey.

    Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

    And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?

    So now you know!!!!!

    Posted 1 year ago #

22. val
    Member

    By all Means... MARRY!

    I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
    That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    David Bissonette

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
    him keep her.
    Sacha Guitry

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
    can't face each other, but still they stay together.
    Hemant Joshi

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
    get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
    Dumas

    The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
    'What does a woman want?
    Sigmund Freud

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
    Anonymous

    'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
    to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
    music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
    Henny Youngman

    'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.'
    Sam Kinison

    'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
    electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
    James

    'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
    second one didn't.'
    Patrick Murray

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
    Nash

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
    Anonymous

    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
    Milton Berle

    Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
    Anonymous

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he
    received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can
    have mine.'
    Anonymous

    First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

    --
    ##

    Posted 1 year ago #

23. June
    Member

    Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

    One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

    The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

    After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

    'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

    Are you ready for this?
    Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !

    'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

    ............ ............ ............ ..
    Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
    Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
    ....little cute........ ..... And clean jokes!!!!!!! !!!!!!

    Sounds to me like she's ....... !
    ......been ....sweeping around!!!

    No virus found in this incoming message.

    Posted 1 year ago #

24. Cheryl
    Member

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices
    that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a
    question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

    She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
    old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance
    to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
    you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

    'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

    She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1,
    you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

    The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
    Catholic!'

    'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
    hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
    crying.

    'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

    'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm
    married and I'm Jewish.'

    The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
    Halloween party.'

    Posted 1 year ago #

25. agw
    Administrator

    Whoops, she did it again!
    The absent Cornish Patsy, Bill, may be pricked into action over that one Cheryl. There again, to quote said steamy Moroccan poster, he would probably rather gouge his eyes out... none so blind as those who cannot see.
    See http://www.anorak.co.uk/forums/topic.php?id=677. I did laugh the second time too..and it was a bit well-used when first posted.

    Posted 1 year ago #

26. agw
    Administrator

    

    Posted 1 year ago #

27. June
    Member

    I'm sure we have this already but never mind, he has become passe now OFFICALLY!!!

    George Bush & Israeli Mossad!

    After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

    Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

    No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.

    Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

    Within a minute Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

    'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down'

    Posted 1 year ago #

28. June
    Member

    Max

    MAX

    Men strike back!
    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
    probably never be able to support you!
    -- ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    ----------------------------------------------- --------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't There is a clock on the oven.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
    at the front door, who do you let in first?

    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men!

    Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    ----------------- -- ------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested..
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested..
    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    !

    ***************************************************************************************

    Posted 1 year ago #

29. June
    Member

    Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

    But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

    No matter what;

    metal,

    wood,

    stone,

    anything she touched would melt.

    Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

    The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

    He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

    'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

    The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

    The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

    THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

    The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

    But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
    The prince went away sadly.

    The second prince brought diamonds.

    He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
    But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

    He too was sent away disappointed.

    The third prince approached. He told the princess,
    'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

    The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

    She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

    And it did not melt!!!

    The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!

    And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

    Question: What was in the prince's pants?

    M&M's of course.

    They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
    What were you thinking??

    Posted 1 year ago #

30. June
    Member

    HE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF HR

    FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director.
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 1st November 2008
    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting20at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
    Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
    Pauline

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    FROM: Pauline, Human Resourc es Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 2nd November 2008
    RE: HolidayParty

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
    Happy now?
    Happy Holidays to you and your family.
    Pauline.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 6th November 2008
    RE: HolidayParty

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    Pauline.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 7th November 2008
    RE: HolidayParty

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party ! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
    Pauline.

    --------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F****** Employees
    DATE: 8 November 2008
    RE: The F******* HolidayParty.

    Vegetarian p*****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get yo ur f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
    I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
    The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 9th November 2008
    RE: Pauline Lewis and HolidayParty

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd20December off with full pay.
    John.

    Posted 1 year ago #

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