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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
SAYS the San Francisco Chronicle of an anti-immigration rally in Texas:
“Excellent point: In Houston, a Texan protesting amnesty for illegal immigrants argues that anyone who can’t master English doesn’t deserve to live in America.”
It might be ironic, sorry, colonic?
Stem the tide of US ignorants.
There are more - read on for them…
DID you know that “everywhere [is] touched by immigration”.
It is a wonder that the Daily Express, which presents its readers with this fact, doesn’t come with a free pair of rubber gloves in patriotic red, white and blue and a packet of sanitary wipes.
It is what the Mail calls “The great East European tide”.
But here’s Mr Gordon Brown sat on the beaches willing the tide back with a cunning ploy of rising living costs.
THERE’S been an outbreak of tuberculosis at Birmingham’s Birchfield Independent School for Girls.
Health officials said 30 pupils at the school, which teaches an Islamic curriculum, had tested positive for TB.
The school, in Beacon Hill, Aston, confirmed the outbreak but has refused to comment further.
Are we going backwards?
IT’S not only East Europeans who are taking advantage of cheap flights and coaches.
Sun readers are being invited to up sticks and flee as the paper introduces its “HOLS FROM £15”.
Having read “Welcome to Boston, Eastern Europe”, Sun readers can pick 21 “parks” from nine “countries”.
“BRIT PUBS BAN ON ENGLISH DRINKERS…but it’s OK if you are a Pole,” says the Star’s front-page headline.
You could pretend to be a Pole at the Punch And Judy pub in Covent Garden, where signs of Englishness, such as cross of St George beanie hats, tattoos and thongs, are banned.
But Lisa Rathbone didn’t get the message, and failing to arrive with a hod over her shoulder and a promise to do the job cheaper and better, found her way to the bar blocked.
“We are not thugs,” says she, “we have some out to celebrate St George’s Day and have a normal drink. She then offers the popular refrain: “Who the hell’s country is it now?”
Ms Rathbone understands what it means to be English, offering a traditional complaint.
But she could try harder. Over in Boston, Lincolnshire, a sign in the pub window says “No English”. The Star says the ban sparked a riot. Shops were looted, a police car set on fire and windows smashed by “enraged yobs”.
As the Mirror says: “Here in Boston, Lincs, integration is working.” Boston is in “POLE POSITION”. The paper’s ‘Hope Not Hate’ battle bus is not needed here.
THE Star leads the way with all things St George, but how do the others follow?
The Express and Mail both take a typically miserable view of this sceptred isle. Both have articles about Boston in Lincolnshire – a symbol, it seems of all that is wrong with our dear old country.
The Express helpfully prints the town’s coat of arms, which bears the historic legend: “TWINNED WITH LAVAL, FRANCE.”
But that’s the least of Boston’s problems. The headline calls it “The English Town where 25% of the people are from Eastern Europe”. The Mail prefers a snappier banner: “The market town where they speak 65 languages… and a quarter of the people are East European migrants.” And in case you missed the point, that makes it “A CORNER OF ENGLAND THAT’S BARELY ENGLISH”.
“The once decaying port has even developed a continental café culture,” complains Britain’s leading quality tabloid. Wot no Little Chef?
Well that’s really put a wet blanket on our celebrations. Surely the Sun can cheer us up on the day of our patron saint?
Sacre bleu! What’s this? “Fury at new Euro names for UK regions.”
Yes, you heard it right: “Gordon Brown will today fly the flag of St George over Downing Street – as the EU plots to carve up Britain into a United States of Europe.”
It’s true, they are indeed going to “carve us up” – into administrative blocs for the purposes of handing out their filthy subsidies to our once proud citizens. Depending on where in the UK you live, you will be in the TransManche, Alantic or North Sea region. And may God have mercy on your soul.
“IMMIGRANTS BRING MORE CRIME,” says the Express on its front page.
And not only more crime, but a “huge surge” in crime. Hard, indeed, not to feel sorry for those East Europeans who arrive on horseback and li-lo only to have their horses, blankets and air pumps stolen on arrival.
And the crime is not random.
As the Express says: “‘Migration from EU has brought a huge surge in organised crime.” Words taken from a report by the Society of Chief Police Officers.
Says Leo McKinstry: “It’s ludicrous to deny that there is link between crime and immigration.”
THE Daily Express campaign to encourage immigrants to come and live in the UK continues with another offer to win a caravan.
And it that was not enough to turn you on to the wonders of Romany living, then there is the accompanying front-page headline: “MENACE OF NEW SPEED CAMERAS.”
There is “Now no escape for drivers all across Britain.”
Right now a speed camera is being installed in YOUR driveway. Accelerate too fast and Whammo! a fixed penalty notice is on its way to you. In time all cars will come with a handy ticket printer, but let us not run before we can crawl.
“ADDITIVES DO HARM CHILDREN,” says the Mail’s front-page headline.
Anorak looks at the page and sees a picture of Abu Qatada, “Bin Laden’s man in Britain”. He’s in a high-security British jail.
He can’t be deported to his native Jordan in case he gets bullied/ tortured/laughed at.
Sending Abu Qatada back would impact upon his human rights. We are an understanding and tolerant nation. We should be proud.
Indeed, looking at Abu Qatada, who weighs 20 stone, and reading that aforesaid headline on additives, one wonders if he is not the product of a poor childhood diet?
“PROOF that immigrants are taking British jobs,” says the Express which has a graph to prove it.
The line for “UK-born workers” is going down. It is black. The line for “foreign born workers” is going up. It is white.
“Should migrants be barred from taking British jobs?” asks the Express’s phone poll? The paper’s Tom Whitehead awaits your call. “Yes” and he stays. “No” and Sanjay Walesa becomes the paper’s Home Affairs Correspondent.
Meanwhile, over in the Telegraph, readers learn that “the percentage of working-age, UK-born Britons in work fell from a peak of 75.7 in 2003, the year before European Union enlargement, to 75.2 in 2007. Part of the fall could be attributed to employers directly replacing British workers with migrants, particularly in agriculture, factories and low-skilled service-sector jobs.”
Could be? Could be not? But the best line has to be from Prof Rowthorn, a Cambridge University professor who uncovered the findings. He says “the most likely victims were British-born school-leavers who had never had a job, having failed to find the kind of casual work they might have walked into a few years ago”.
The claim will fuel a political row over the prospects for a generation referred to as “Neets” (not in education, employment or training).
The professor said: “We are looking at the most vulnerable, least skilled and in some ways least motivated members of the local workforce. The problem that eastern European migrants pose is that they are good workers.”
That’s the problem with these foreign born workers – they are too ruddy good. What we need to is lower their productively and reduce their skills. We need to level the playing field.
We need to re-educate them…
“IMMIGRANTS,” screams the Express, calling the country’s assorted Poles, Australians and more to attention, “NO BROWN WANTS MORE.”
When Anorak mocked up Gordon Brown as Oliver Twist, we meant it in jest.
But he can’t have any more. There aren’t any more. Everyone’s already here. To get more immigrants, the immigrants will have to go away and come back again. Perhaps British Airways could put them in bags to Milan and save on costs?
But Gordon Brown wants more. He says the number of job vacancies has now increased to 675,000 and businesses can benefit from being able to “recruit more widely”.
The Express presses ‘1’ on the speed dial and contacts Sir Andrew Green, the chairman of Migrationwatch UK.
GERMAN hacker group, Chaos Computer Club, has been publishing the fingerprints of German Secretary of the Interior as part of their protest against state use of biometric ID.
On Samizdata:
The club published 4,000 copies of their magazine Die Datenschleuder including a plastic foil reproducing the minister’s fingerprint - ready to glue to someone else’s finger to provide a false biometric reading. The CCC has a page on their site detailing how to make such a fake fingerprint..
On Slashdot:
The club published 4,000 copies of their magazine Die Datenschleuder including a plastic foil reproducing the minister’s fingerprint — ready to glue to someone else’s finger to provide a false biometric reading…
Gordon Brown fingers in the post…
“FURY OVER PLAN TO TEACH KORAN IN SCHOOL,” says the Express on its front page.
Before going on we should warn the Express that you can slander an entire people’s, and the blood libel has been used to facilitate the mass slaughter of Jews for some time. Although, they are unlikely to sue.
The “World’s Greatest Newspaper” did not rise to the fore by flinching in the face of legal niceties and continues to cock an ear to goings on within the National Union of Teachers’ staff room.
Amid the fugue of smoke, sexual tension and frustrated ambition, the Express hears words to the effect of: “State schools should be forced to open their doors to Islamic preachers teaching the Koran”.
This will of course lead to all sort of bother, specifically more inter-school fights, with the largely Koran-ignorant private school pupils shouldering their combined cadet force standard issue .22 rifles and aiming at the state school mob and their suicide bombs vests.
Also discussed is the move for all “religious schools – almost all of them Christian – should have to admit pupils from other faiths”.
The paper says Shadow Childrens’ Secretary Michael Gove “condemned the call”. He says: “Faith schools provide children with an excellent education because their distinctive ethos helps to instil good values and respect for others.”
Respect for others is one thing, but to have some Red Sea Pedestrian, Reincarnated Hindu goat or fat–eared Buddhist in the class is something desperately unholy and, lest it go unsaid, unchristian…
“WHY 700 Iranians have descended on Cornwall.”
The reason is… Well, let’s see if you can guess. And do note that the headline appears in the Daily Express. Is it:
a) To look for blonde children?
b) To act as surprise witnesses at the Princess Diana inquest?
c) Because the Cornwall Tourist Board has twinned the shire with Tehran?
d) Because it reminds them of home?
The answer is d), although we should not discount any of the other options, nor option e) - To slaughter the locals in their beds in a revenge attack for the film 300.
To Cornwall. As the Express says: “Villagers in Porth, Cornwall, usually hear nothing louder than the sound of seagulls or the lap of the waves on the beach.”
Or, indeed, the gentle pssst!-pssssst! of a drug dealer, the soothing hum-hum-thrppp of a jetski race or the uep-eup-eup of young bucks and their lady friends decorating the streets in a lively technociolur yawn.
“DENTISTS who can’t speak English ‘put patients in peril,” says the Mail.
Readers may argue that all dentists put all patients in peril, chiefly when they stick a drill in your mouth. Peril is what dentists are best at.
But not all pleased. Says Michael Summer of the Patient Association: “We receive lots of complaints about dentists whose English is extremely poor and who are difficult to understand. This can lead to errors and mistakes.”
It turns out, though, that the dentists who cannot speak England are not British born but foreigners. This is not indictment of our education system and how easy it is to becoming a dentist by learning the language of dentistry parrot fashion.
It is well known fact that dentists need only master three phrases in English:
“Going somewhere nice on holiday?”
“A6…missing”
“Rinse”
The reply is always the same: “Guggluphug.”
Next!
THE ID Cards Debated:
THE HERALD: “Will the PM listen to the Home Office or to the experts?
The Scottish Government must be heartily commended for its decision to resist the imposition of compulsory national ID cards on Scottish airport workers and students. In doing so, it serves well the clearly and repeatedly expressed will of the Scottish Parliament. Compulsory ID cards and the associated database are not welcome here.
THE TIMES: “High-flown nonsense over terror - US has a right to airline information.”
When was the last time you let a bunch of potential terrorists into your house? Indeed, when was the last time you let any group of strangers walk around your house without asking them what they wanted or where they were from?
SALIM MANSUR says Multiculturalism Cannot Survive…
DIZZY thinks Jacqui Smith said on the Today prgramme this morning, in an interview on ID cards, that “the database cannot be hacked”.
But can it be put on a disc and lost?