NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’
NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent
AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.
“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,’” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.
Clearly perturbed by the line of questioning, Abdulla complained that widespread media of his case unfairly overlooked his other accomplishments.
“Do any of these newspaper stories ever mention how how I graduated in the top 30% of my medical school class? Do any of them mention how I made the final of the 2005 Paisley snooker tournament?” he said. “Oh, nooooo. But detonate a couple of incendiary devices, or fellate one single imam, one bloody time, and then it’s all, ‘hey, look everyone, here comes Bilal, the cocksucking terrorist.’ ”
Choking back emotion, Abdulla told the court that ever since his arrest in 2007 for his alleged role in the attempted plot to kill hundreds, he and his entire family had struggled to overcome the stigma of the ‘terrorist’ label.
“You lot sit there and insist on calling me the ‘terrorist,’ but you don’t have to live with a son coming home from day care every afternoon in tears from the taunting and teasing. ‘Your daddy is a tew-wo-wist, your daddy is a tew-wo-wist,’ it never stops. Those little monsters ought to be on trial, not me. And when the wife goes to Tesco, then it’s all the whispering, ‘isn’t that Bilal the terrorist’s wife under that burkka?’ It’s gotten so hard on the both of them that I almost feel bad about giving them their beatings,” he said.
Abdulla said that he and his family had received little support within Britain’s terrorist community because of his part in the comically inept assault on Glasgow Airport.
“You’d think I could find a little comfort with my mates at the mosque, but no,” he complained. “I keep trying to tell them it was Kafeel’s fault, that he was the one who can’t drive a stick shift, and that I could have taken out at least 20 people minimum if I was driving the Jeep. But they won’t even tease me about it any more, it’s just an uncomfortable, embarrassing silence. I swear the only thing worse than being labeled a terrorist is being labeled a clumsy terrorist.”
“A guy just can’t get a break in this bloody country,” he added. “No wonder there’s going to be an anthrax attack on Bolton next Thursday.” Allegedly.
The trial continues.
Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Anorak in America, Key Posts Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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November 19th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Long live John Smeaton - you come to Glasgee and try this we’ll set aboot ye!
November 19th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
chords dangling from under his shirt? which ones…. B minor, C major? perhaps they tossed him off because of the noise pollution….?
November 19th, 2008 at 5:25 am
“Mega Dittos”, Mr. Burge! John here from Chicago. Thank you for taking my call.
I would tend to agree with Bilal. There does seem to be some kind of bias against terrorists, not just in the UK and the US, but even in some of the more tolerant countries. I myself, was once riding on a bus here in the Windy City, when a clearly emotially disturbed individual was pulled off a bus simply because there happened to be some chords dangling from under his shirt. He was tossed off the bus and shortly thereafter I heard an explosion coming from the exact spot where he had been pulled off. Apparently, someone must of shot him dead or hurled a hand grenade at him. Now, if society is willing to pick on an emotionally disturbed individual, just think what they would be willing to do to a foreigner like Bilal. And to think the man is only 29 years old, at the prime of his life! Sigh.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Nah probably big burly blokes….but I think blowing up an airport is a little extreme, I just stick to speeding….
November 18th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
And I’m pretty sure the arresting officers were not virgins, which would have been an even bigger blow…
November 18th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
He’s just a bit miffed he buggered it up and watched the fantasy of the 20 virgins evaporate as 20 arresting officers hovered into view…..
November 18th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I understand he was dropped from the Cheese of the Month Club too, and right before the Holidays. No re-gifting for terrorist you!
November 18th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Pip-pip-cheerio!
November 18th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Maybe Bilal can sponsor a couple of Gitmo detainees. I’m sure they’d be the basis of a strong support group.
Well done to the Scot who was trying to extinguish a burning terrorist with his foot!
November 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I’m impressed; I’d thought that the reporting of the case was beyond parody, but you’ve managed it.
Perhaps you could have a go at the impact of “conditional fee agreements on press freedom”, an issue apparently troubling Rupert Murdoch, sorry, some members of the Select Committee on Culture, Media and Sport…