The Anorak Inbox features this plea: Nigerian Astronaut is lost in space needs $3Million to come home
Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA
Dear Mr. Sir,
REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE-STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.
In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.
Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.
Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.
Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.
Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.
Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
Today’s Daily Mail leads with a question: ‘Who Will Speak for England?’
The question writer turns to history to see if figures from the past can answer the burning question.
Today the Mail asks a question of profound significance to our destiny as a sovereign nation and the fate of our children and grandchildren. Who will speak for England?
It’s a question inspired by one of the most dramatic moments in the history of Parliamentary democracy. The date was September 2, 1939, the day after Hitler invaded Poland. Tory PM Neville Chamberlain had just made an ambivalent statement to the House, proposing no immediate action.
On his backbenches, anti-appeasement stalwart Leo Amery was incensed. As Labour’s deputy leader Arthur Greenwood rose to reply for the Opposition, the Tory MP bellowed across the floor: ‘Speak for England!’
And Greenwood did just that, voicing anger over the premier’s reluctance to honour Britain’s treaty obligations to Poland. Bowing to the mood of the House, Chamberlain declared war on Hitler the next day.
The Mail should realise that all is not lost. Someone might just make a peep for Albion. After all, on January 1934, the Mail was all for Hitler:
As we cry ‘Let’s Bomb Brussels!’, the article continues:
Nobody is suggesting there are any parallels whatever between the Nazis and the EU.
They are. See above.
Indeed, the Mail would argue that one of the Union’s great achievements, along with Nato, has been to foster peace in Europe.
PEACE! We all vant ein leetle peace! To quote Mel Brookes:
I don’t want war. All I want is peace. Peace. Peace!
A little piece of Poland/ A little piece of France /A little piece of Portugal /And Austria perchance…
But as in 1939, we are at a crossroads in our island history.
What happened to “Nobody is suggesting there are any parallels whatever between the Nazis and the EU”?
For in perhaps as little as 20 weeks’ time, voters will be asked to decide nothing less than what sort of country we want to live in and bequeath to those who come after us.
We want a country of patriots!
Another question soon follows:
Are we to be a self-governing nation, free in this age of mass migration to control our borders, strike trade agreements with whomever we choose and dismiss our rulers and lawmakers if they displease us?
Ian Hislop nips in and tells us:
“… the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family. What did your Dad do? The current Lord Rothermere’s father loved Great Britain so much he went to live in France as a tax exile.
“He then passed on the nom-dom status to his son who doesn’t actually pay the normal amount of tax despite owning a newspaper that’s owned through various tax companies in Bermuda.”
Or will our liberty, security and prosperity be better assured by submitting to a statist, unelected bureaucracy in Brussels, accepting the will of unaccountable judges and linking our destiny with that of a sclerotic Europe that tries to achieve the impossible by uniting countries as diverse as Germany and Greece?
Do we want to live in Ibiza?
The Mail then bashes the Tories and the BBC.
So we ask again: who will speak for England (and, of course, by ‘England’, like Amery in 1939, we mean the whole of the United Kingdom)?
Is this any clearer?
— Stewart Bremner (@stewartbremner) February 4, 2016
Will Scotland? The Mail thinks the question so burning it asks Scots: “Why do teenage girls send explicit pictures to boys?” Answer: The EU makes them do it.
Maybe migrants can speak for England – after all, they love it enough to come here?
With a tsunami of migrants flooding across Europe, can such tinkering with the small print really be enough… here is nothing in Mr Cameron’s draft deal that will make one jot of difference to the numbers pouring in.
Who speaks for England?
To date, 245,334 people have supported the Petition to “drop the bare boobs from the Sun newspaper”. It demands:
No More Page 3.
George Alagiah doesn’t say, ‘And now let’s look at Courtney, 21, from Warrington’s bare breasts,’ in the middle of the 6 O’ Clock News, does he, David? Philip and Holly don’t flash up pictures of Danni, 19, from Plymouth, in just her pants and a necklace, on This Morning, do they, David?
No, they don’t.
There would be an outcry. And you shouldn’t show the naked breasts of young women in your widely read ‘family’ newspaper either.
Consider this a long overdue outcry.
David, stop showing topless pictures of young women in Britain’s most widely read newspaper, stop conditioning your readers to view women as sex objects.
Enough is enough.
Page 3 never went away. But the Sun has shown very little naked breasts of late. Would-be topless models can hope the Star hires them for its Page 3, or they get a call from a NSFW website or porn mag (who buys those?). Or maybe these foolish women can just realise that they have been saved by the likes of Object, Turn Your Back on Page 3 and No More Page 3, who want to highlight what they say is the sexism of Page 3:
Awareness of the fact that having women featured in this way amongst the news, serves to reduce the importance of ALL women to their appearance and sexual allure. And an awareness of the fact that whilst sexy pictures may have a place, the accessibility of the Page 3 picture, in the front of the paper, makes access to sexualised women’s bodies as much of a given as the TV listings or the crossword.
So, Rita’s gone topless deeper into the Sun, on Page 7. Happier now?
To the left in the picture above is the Sun’s Page 3, featuring Vicky Pattinson, a woman famous for having had sex on the telly and winning ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!.
In what campaigners would call the bad old days, The Sun’s Page 7 hosted a Page 7 Fella, like this chap from February 1985.
The Sun even had a lad on Page 3 – this one is from September ’88.
So much for gender equality.
What Phwa-ita show us is that it’s ok for the famous singer to go topless – and catch family telly’s Rita on the cover of French magazine Lui – but not for the amateur hoping for a career in showbiz. These wannabes are weak, impressionable and making a bad life choice. Rita is strong, educated and empowered.
The bansturbators portray Page 3 ‘girls’ as idiots. Spot the judgemental sexist.
The drive to eradicate what anti-Page 3 campaigners see as an offensive misrepresentation of women in society turns out to be a demand to control the minds of any woman who sees her naked chest as a way of earning money, having a laugh, getting on, or any number of reasons a sane, thinking, rational human being would want to pose topless.
In her “The year in sexism: how did women fare in 2015?” the Guardian’s Laura Bates began with Rita Ora: “The beginning of the year saw Rita Ora lambasted for showing too much cleavage on The One Show (as reported by the same publications that routinely publish entire articles about cleavage). ”
It’s sexist to criticise Rita for showing her body, says the right-on Guardian. But women who show their breasts in the Sun are victims, says the Guardian.
Wow. how about that for a big pair of double standards?
Jimmy Savile is back in the news. The Sun leads with the Jimmy Savile Report, the review by Dame Janet Smith into the BBC stalwart who post-death was labelled the most prolific child molester of all time. News is that the BBC “HID” news that Savile had “seduced” a 15-year-old dancer on BBC TV’s Top of The Pops music show. The paper adds: “Clair [sic] McAlpine killed herself weeks after the alleged sexual encounter.”
We don’t know if the pair did have sex. We don’t know what part if any the alleged sex had in Claire McAlpine’s tragic death. All we know is that when Claire’s mother read of the alleged sex in her daughter’s diary – we don’t get to see what the teenager wrote – she “rang the BBC… demanding to speak to the chairman but was told that was impossible.”
The Sun joins the dots, saying “just a month later Clair died after taking an overdose of sleeping pills”.
The report says the BBC made no attempt to interview Claire or her mother. The BBC did meet with Savile, who denied any wrongdoing. He was also interviewed by an “independent barrister”.
Dame Janet says the BBC review was “inadequate”. She cannot understand why the BBC destroyed its own call logs from the time. Really? This is the BBC that erased or tossed away and wiped lots of its output, including Not Only… But Also, starring Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, and the BBC studio footage from the 1969 Apollo 11 moon landings.
On pages 4 and 5, the Sun re-introduces us to Sylvia Edwards. She says that when age 18, the 50-year-old Savile stuck his hand up her skirt in 1976 and told her “A fella could get used to this as it ‘appens”. The Sun says “millions of BBC TV viewers” saw this because Savile was presenting Top of the Pops at the time and Sylvia was in the audience.
Horrified Sylvia ran to a floor manager to report what the DJ had done only to be told: “Get lost — it’s just Jimmy messing about.” In the judge’s draft report, she said Sylvia’s was “one of two quite serious indecent assaults” and girls on the show were placed in “moral danger”. But she added: “I do not think any member of senior management was ever made aware of Savile’s abuse of young people while working on Top of the Pops. In the testosterone-laden atmosphere where everyone was, in theory at least, over 16, child protection was simply not a live issue. No one noticed what Savile was doing: he was able to hide in plain sight.”
The Sun lists Dame Janet’s main findings:
— Savile abused 45 victims who worked at or visited the BBC
— He abused staff and kids on Top of the Pops and Jim’ll Fix IT
— Some evidence a paedophile ring operated at BBC in 1970s
— Stars like Savile ‘untouchable’ and managers ‘above the law’
— Bosses quizzed Savile about his interest in young girls but no action was taken
— Managers should have heeded interviews with Savile in The Sun where he told of picking up girls
— BBC in 1970s dominated by booze culture and staff feared reporting abused would damage careers
— Culture of secrecy means whistleblowers are more scared to come forward today thand 40 years ago
— Another Savile scandal could still unfold at the BBC
And how did the Sun comment on Savile’s death, after he old them about “picking up girls”? Like this:
RIP JIMMY SAVILE – Prince Charles leads tributes as Jim’ll Fix It star dies aged 84
Now then, now then, cries and gals – We join 3,000 fans at Sir Jimmy Savile’s send-off
As for Sylvia’s story, we heard it first back in 2012. The Sun told us about the 19-year-old victim:
In today’s report she is 18:
The Daily Mail has more on the “BBC’s £10m Whitewash”.
“He raped , groped and abused girls and boys under the noses of complacent BBC chiefs…. He preyed on his 45 victims in almost every BBC building he set foot in…”
The Mail mentions Claire McAlpine. It makes a clear link between her death and Savile:
“Claire McAlpine, 15, killed herself after being abused by an unnamed DJ on the show [Top of the Pops] on 1971.”
Yes, that’s “CLAIRE”, the teenager the Sun calls “CLAIR”. In the rush to be right and prove Savile was a raping would-be killer who had sex with the dead on NHS time, the papers can’t even agree on the victims’ ages and names.
This is, of course, as much about bashing the BBC as it is hitting the revolting Savile. On cue, here’s resting BBC DJ John Peel. He’s the “national treasure, who also worked at the BBC. He’s dead. Julie Burchill wrote in 1999.
What did YOU do in the war, Daddy? Well, John Peel caught VD, and banged on about it. Until recently, Peel banged on a lot about sex. Like many an ugly Englishman, he went to America, where that nation’s young women found a Limey accent so beguiling that they barely looked at the face it came out of: “All they wanted me to do was abuse them, sexually, which, of course, I was only too happy to do,”
Peel told the Guardian in 1975. “Girls,” he said to the Sunday Correspondent in 1989, “used to queue up outside oral sex they were particularly keen on, I remember one of my regular customers, as it were, turned out to be 13, though she looked older.”
This was the Sixties. Fleeing America after the authorities quite rightly objected to him having sex with young teenage girls, Peel was joined by his wife, Shirley, a Texan girl, who was 15 when he married her.
If you are connected. If you are rich. If you have friends in high places and do things they like, you get away with it. Same then as it is now. Nothing changes.
Watch Pages of Death, an anti-porn film from 1962, brought to you by Citizens for Decent Literature:
Hours of fun with a washing machine, a brick and a small trampoline:
“Nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is separated from husband Number 2. Lest anyone be in any doubt as to whose side we should be on in the tale of love undone, the Sun features two stories:
First up is the Sun’s scoop on our Chezza: she’s no longer “so gaunt…that fans were left fearing for her health” (source: the Sun, December 2015). No way. Now she’s “sports toned”:
As for whatshisface well, you should see the company he keeps:
Readers looking at the profile of Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka ‘- -‘, may wonder why the Sun fails to also rake over Cheryl’s past. After all, in so part of the attack on – – can we find any evidence that he has been in trouble with the law. Cheryl, on the other hand, has form. She was found guilty of assaulting toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa. Judge Richard Haworth told her:
“This was an unpleasant piece of drunken violence which caused Sophie Amogbokpa pain and suffering. Her eye was painful for three or four weeks, there was bruising for three months and for a while she had blurred vision. You showed no remorse whatsoever.”
The hatchet job against – – runs:
…today we can reveal how JB hid his woman-loving ways from his future wife, appeared to exaggerate his business endeavours, distorted his educational record and even regularly changed his name.
Poor Cheryl Tweety/ Cole / – – !
When he first became involved with Cheryl, the restaurateur tried to remove all traces of his playboy past from the internet.
It included wiping 29 telling photographs from his Instagram account. The pictures, which we publish for the first time today, show him cosying up to various beautiful women, some of whom look strikingly like his future wife… In one image he is being straddled by a woman with her legs wrapped around his neck.
In another he is seen pulling the hair of a woman in a nightclub.
Got one of him punching the nightclub woman in the face? No.
Looks like the gloves have come off in this divorce story.
Have you tried Tyrells’ ‘swanky veg’ crisps, “an exotic mélange of lavish veggies, with just a pinch of sea salt to let them sing”.
It’s just truth in advertising. All their crisps sound a bit ‘wanky’:
Wanky veg and wanky salted a la mode.
Pablo Carlos Budassi has created a single photo of the entire known universe. He did not use a long lens. He used a load of NASA satellite and Rovers’ images to form his logarithmic map – Budassi’s big map features consecutive rings, each representing much a multiple of the one before.
See the map even lager here.
Spotter: Tech Insider.
In the race to get their children ahead, those Other Parents will stop at nothing. They will buy Baby Einstein books, move to the best school catchment zones and transport their loved ones in get-out-of-my-way-4x4s, the bumpers of which are the ideal height by which to brain other people’s less lofty brood. Now they can buy “Babypod“.
Slither a Babypod speaker up a vaginal tract and blast the foetus with sweet music. If you’re having twins, use two speakers, so fostering the kids’ individuality.
Oh, and, mum and dad can listen in, too, via split headphones which hang out of the vagina. What can possibly go wrong?
What more can any pregnant woman want than having more stuff crammed up her private Clown Car?
And take care when cutting the umbilical cord, guys. Those phones are pricey!
Spotter: The Guardian
They say it’s hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. But US TV evangelists Kenneth Copeland and Jesse Duplantis are making ready their appeal. Why do you have private jets?
Well, Amos had one…
Simon Danczuk, the sleazy Labour MP for Rochdale, is wrapped around the news like a randy middle-aged man at a bridal shower. The smart move would be for mired Simon to undergo a sex change and emerge as Margaret, or Cherie, a sultry temptress who can make a decent stab at being Woman of the Year, thus cementing his role as the British man / woman most likely to shag a Kardashian, or become one.
Let’s round-up the news.
Sunday Times (front page): “Wives at war over Disgraced Danczuk”
On the cover we see sportswear enthusiast and nipple wrangler Karen Danczuk, Simon wife Number 2.
The scandal engulfing the Labour MP for Rochdale erupted in sexual claims and counter-claims after both his ex-wives, his former girlfriend and the young woman with whom he was caught exchanging sex messages became engaged in a war of words.
Pull up a chair. This is juicier than a Gwyneth Paltrow dinner party.
Danczuk accused Sonia Rossington, the mother of his two oldest children, of demanding a “six-figure sum” to “dish the dirt on me” by peddling “untrue allegations . . . of a criminal nature”.
In an interview with The Mail on Sunday, Rossington claimed that he had driven her into therapy with drug and alcohol-fuelled bullying and obsessive demands for sex.
More on that later. For now, Simon says:
“She has chosen not to take them to police but to a newspaper instead… She has not moved on and remains embittered to the point where she has prevented me from seeing or having a close relationship with my children. She has also become obsessed with trying to ruin my political career.”
He’s issued a statement:
“Ever since I was elected an MP in 2010 she has been pestering journalists, trying to spread malicious falsehoods and defamatory allegations about me. I am led to believe she’s been trying to get newspapers to enter a bidding war, asking for a six-figure sum for interviews to ‘dish the dirt’ on me.
“Out of respect for the fact she is the mother to two of my children I have not responded to her continual abuse and…”
So says Simon to the media, a man now Danczuk suspended from the Labour party after he exchanged sex texts with the then 17-year-old Sophena Houlihan.And on her:
Last night it was claimed that Houlihan, now 18, has been working as a dominatrix.
You want more on that? Of course you do. The People notes:
She was 17 when Labour MP Danczuk, 49, sent text messages in which he said he was “horny” and asked if she wanted spanking. The teenager claimed to be shocked by those “sexts” – but on a website Sophena called herself Goddess Rosalie Von Morelli, a financial dominatrix.
She used the site to sell used and worn thongs, “frenchies” and knickers for £15 a pair, and offered bras and toe-nail clippings for £10 a time.
Cue Karen Karen Danczuk, who tweets about Sonia:
“Sell your body for sex . . . I’d sit back and think before you speak. An ex friend of someone sent me explicit photos & evidence of ‘escorting’ . . . amongst other things.”
Rossington says she’s not and never has been a prostitute. She says:
“I’m aware of this, he threatened it years ago. Danczuk does smear, it’s quite easy [to] go through intimate marital pictures of us when we were together and create a false incriminating profile of me on certain websites.”
Over pages 6 and 7, Camilla Long tucks into the Danczuks. It’s sex, sex and sex.
A new relationship with a Labour councillor called Claire Hamilton failed after four months of public snogging and a threesome (amazingly not in public) in which Hamilton kissed Karen for “about an hour” while Danczuk took pictures. Hamilton eventually dumped Danczuk after she claimed he cheated on her, saying she had “no idea” how many women he had “been messaging on Twitter”. She guessed “a lot”…
Nearly a year ago, he was caught favouriting hardcore pornography on Twitter while he was out canvassing for the election. He said he was “a man of the world”, so of course he watched porn, but in this case it was an accident. His phone clicked on the porn owing to a fault. He seemed convincing, even though he was an MP blaming his own telephone for driving him to sex…
The Mirror (front page): “DISGRACED MP ‘ CRIED LIKE A BABY”
It’s super snogger Claire Hamilton. Labour Councillor Claire says:
“He craves attention so much from anywhere he can get it, but he’s sunk to a new low this time. He told me he had come up with a plan for 2016 to make more money out of the celebrity and press side of things than from being an MP.”
Achievement unlocked. And the sex…
“He said he’d been messaging this teenage singer on Twitter when he was up late or couldn’t sleep in the early hours about ‘life and music and stuff’. I asked if the messages were friendly or intimate and why text someone so young? He wouldn’t tell me or show me the messages”…
“He was saying ‘I’m sorry, Claire, I’m sorry.’ I packed his bag and gave him it. He was crying like a baby. I went on Twitter straight away and typed ‘Danczuk dumped’. I didn’t want to give myself any chance to go back – it was over, done.”
Twitter is so definitive.
“I felt emotionally drained that he was in touch with someone so young. He obviously thought he had a chance with her because he essentially wanted us to have an open relationship. Having now seen the texts, I feel physically stick to my stomach.”
Pass the toenails…
The Sun (front page): “SEX TEXT MP: I LOVE YOUNG WOMEN”
“Younger women are my Achilles heel. My first wife was ten years younger than me, my second wife was 17 years younger, my last girlfriend is 17 years younger. Some men like older women, some like younger women, some like brunettes, some like blondes.”
Some like having their balls slammed in the car door. It’s a funny old world.
Daily Mail (front page): “My Years of Abuse from Sex Text MP”
It’s Sonia. We’ll skip to the sex:
When she complained about him having sex with her, while she slept at 3am, he told her: ‘You’re my wife. I can have sex with you whenever I want.’ She said: ‘You learned not to cross him. He would say to me “If you get on the wrong side of me I will destroy you”. And he means it – he wants to take you down so you have nothing, not even a way of making a living.
‘I’ve been in therapy for years over this. I was terrified of relationships. I was afraid of so many things. Simon has cast a long shadow over my life.’
It gets sinister:
…when he came to bed he would have sex with me, interrupting my sleep. I would just wake up and it would be happening. It was always in the missionary position.
‘After a few weeks I was so exhausted I said to him “Please stop this” – but he tried to make me believe it was me who was initiating it. I was so confused. I thought I was going mad. I had no recollection of this at all. I started covering up, wearing long johns, pyjamas, socks, anything to make it more difficult for this to happen. I asked him to stop again.
Bit odd, no?
‘But this went on for months. I thought I was going mad. If it was me initiating things why was he always on top? So I decided to stay awake and see what he actually did and try to find out the truth. What happened was sly and awful.
‘He’d sneak into the room, take off his clothes and peel back the bed covers, roll me on to my back, open my legs and start having sex with me. I let him do this a few times, pretending to be asleep and even tried to record it on a camera, but of course it was dark.
‘I confronted him about it later. I said, “I know what you do and I want it to stop. I can’t believe you tried to make me think it was me initiating things.” He said, “It’s a husband having sex with his wife”.
‘He said, “Listen, Sonia. This is the deal. You are my wife and it’s expected from a wife to give her husband sex whenever he wants it. If you don’t give it to me when I want it I’ll go and look elsewhere.” I burst into tears. But after that he carried on for months with a much more careless attitude.
‘He would throw the blankets off and roll me over though he only took 15-20 seconds to finish.’
Simon has mentioned “injunctions” and layers, He says Sonia’s words are “unfounded and malicious”.
To which we can only add: Danczuk for Labour Leader! The campaign starts here…
Over on Twitter, jobbing pundit and Alan Sugar Apprentice advisor Karren Brady has seen a picture of televised investor and Dirk Bogarde hair enthusiast Duncan Bannatyne and sniped to Sun readers: “For a seriously clever entrepreneur, Duncan Bannatyne is acting like a silly old fool. At 66 he has taken up with his second mid-30s partner this year and flaunts it by posting a hilariously repulsive picture, above, of him snogging this young lady.”
Bannatyne responded by tweeting, “Brady is a complete coward to attack my GF in this way. Total coward Brady.”
She was, of course, mocking him, as well she might.
But it is a little odd that Brady should find inter-generational love so repulsive. She works as Vice Chairman of West Ham United under Chairmen David Gold and David Sullivan. Gold’s daughter, Jacqueline Gold, was once married to a man 17 years her junior. Sullivan (born 1949) is married to a former glamour model (born 1965).
The young Karren Brady was appointed sales director of The Sunday Sport, the tits and football aid to masturbation disguised as a newspaper set up by Sullivan in 1986. The newspaper featured the Sunday Sport Adult Celebrity Comic!
Here’s a tasteful taster (NSFW):
Any similarities to Bannatyne and Brady are purely coincidental.
They’ve tried rock music, free wine and loose change (you take it off the plate, right?), so mitres off to the Church for seducing the unwashed with free Grade-A drugs.
Matt Quinton says cocaine has been found at 11 of the country’s “top 25 cathedrals”. How they’re ranked, Quinton doesn’t say, but he’s doubtless taken in such criteria as toilets, warmth, eye candy, parking, and the vicar’s likelihood of ‘squiring’ a worshipper and undergoing a sex change.
On page five – “The Powder and the glory” – Matt tells us how he found the drugs. He toured the country, swabbing toilet seats and cisterns for traces of cocaine. He says the tests employed are 95% accurate, which means they are not accurate at all.
We await the Church Times’ scoop on what it found in the Sun’s toilets, but the smart money is on porn, flushed pay-as-you-go mobile phones and wafers.
Avid technophile, program developer, and educator, William Ralph “Bill” Fink, whose master functions were harnessed by Microsoft Corp. as a technical evangelist has sadly passed away at the age of 46.
Mr Fink, from Belleville, Illinois, encountered an unhandled exception in his core operating system, which prematurely triggered a critical STOP condition on Wednesday, December 16, 2015.
He is survived in legacy by his wife, Rhonda Michele, nee Gardiner, Fink, his children, Cassidy Gardiner and William John Fink, his parents, William and Nancy, nee Kaiser, Fink, and his brothers, Michael and Matthew (Kelly) Fink.
Diagnostics indicated multiple cascading hardware failures as the root problem. Though his hardware has been decommissioned, Bill’s application has been migrated to the Cloud and has been repurposed to run in a virtual machine on an infinite loop. < END OF LINE >
Jermaine Baker, 28, was shot dead by police. The Daily Star says police will “lay down their weapons” if one of their number is charged over the shooting.
Baker is an “alleged gangster”. It is claimed he was killed whilst trying to “spring too crooks from a prison van” in Wood Green, north London.
What’s odd is that only one shot was fired. The police favour the double-tap technique; two shots fired in quick succession. One shot to kill can be unreliable.
Baker was shot in the chest.
Was he armed? Well, an imitation firearm was found nearby.
The officer who fired once has been arrested. The Independent Police Commissioner has been investigating.
The Star calls it a “police farce”. It doesn’t say what Baker’s nearest and dearest call it.
The Express takes up the story on its Page 5. The headline, “Cameron: Let police shoot to kill”, argues that policemen cannot operate if they fear they will “dragged through the courts for opening fire to save lives”.
Would Cameron’s view change if his loved ones lived in rougher parts of town and actually encountered police when they were not acting as the elite’s bodyguards?
Was Baker a clear and present dancer to human life?
On the Mail’s Page 4 we hear more that the PM “may give more legal protection” to police marksmen.
We hear from ‘The Eliminator’, a chap called Anthony Long, who says he “did not give any thought at all” before shooting dead three criminals. Long says shooting a suspect is “not an accident”. He says the current laws are “quite adequate”.
In July, Long was cleared of murdering Azelle Rodney, a gangster.
In the Mirror, we hear that the review over shoot-to-kill policing is “not linked to Jermaine Baker”.
The BBC has news from the other side.
Haringey Borough Commander Victor Olisa said police did not believe Mr Baker was a gang member, as had been suggested in some newspapers. Community spokesman Darren Henry said: “The police officers murdered Jermaine. He was asleep when he was shot. There are witnesses who are afraid to step forward because of the witness intimidation in the Mark Duggan case.”
The police shot dead a sleeping man? PS: Duggan was killed with a bullet to the chest. Duggan had no gun in his hand when he was shot dead. A gun was found nearby. One informed Met source said: “It was death by a thousand fuckups.”
Duggan was hit by two shots. Tap. Tap.
David Lammy, the Labour MP for Tottenham, told Radio 4’s Today programme: “Jermaine Baker’s life is no less than anybody else’s who die in these circumstances. And if we live in a civilised country, you lose your life as a result of a police action, it should garner the greatest of scrutiny. That is the basis of having policing by consent in our country.”
What about cameras? Londonist notes:
After the death of Mark Duggan, armed police were supposed to start wearing body cameras to record incidents. However, in October the IPCC pointed out that the camera’s positioning meant its view was blocked when an officer raised a weapon to the shoulder.
Even if this had been rectified, the Commissioner has said that there are two types of firearms officer deployment: overt and covert. Cameras are noticeable: wearing one would give away the identity of any plainclothes officer on the scene. The operation in Wood Green was apparently of a covert nature.
What we want to know is: why only one shot fired? Was this death an accident cause by a itchy trigger finger?
Have yourselves a happy Christmas, folks. Here are the top five Christmas songs written by Jews:
“White Christmas” – Written by Irving Berlin. Bing Crosby’s version is the bestselling single of all time
“The Christmas song” (“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”) – Written by Bob Wells and Mel Torme.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow” – Sammy Cahn.
“Santa Baby” – written by Joan Javits.
“Winter Wonderland” – written in 1934 by Felix Bernard.
Take it away, Eartha Kitt:
Mom wanted to make a glass with the phrase “friends are therapists you can drink with” written on the side.
“My mom made wine glasses to give to her friends for the holiday,” explains redditor Shagen34. “Her spacing was a little off on the first one.”
Therapist. The rapist. There’s a B-movie in this.
Spotter: Tech Insider |
The headline is, of course, bunkum. The BBC has not refused to televise Tyson Fury fights because the State broadcaster shows no meaningful boxing, just as it transmits no live Premier League football or club rugby, The Open golf tournament, fishing and international cricket.
What the BBC will do, however, is dream up a boring televised AGM awards do, call it – get this – BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards, and then agonise over the inclusion of any sportsman or woman who refuses to let only their feet or fists do the talking.
And so it is that Tyson Fury, the world heavyweight boxing champion, finds his position as a State TV-endorsed personality under threat because he said a woman “belongs in the kitchen” and “on her back”. Fury also considers homosexuality a crime against the Christian God he wears on his sleeve. For his sins, Fury is being investigated by Britain’s thought police.
Fury is clearly a bigot. Anyone who hears him talk and finds themselves nodding is most likely punch drunk or pitifully – but not criminally – thick.
But he is a more than decent boxer. Beating Wladimir Klitschko to become world heavyweight champion was admirable. He out-boxed his opponent. He did not out-opinion him. He didn’t have to. The debating society is not so rough. A decent right hook can secure you a top job in the Labour Party, but that mob are desperate and flailing.
Neither was the fight a battle of morals. You like Mohammed Ali, the boxer voted BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year twice? You know his view on race? Here’s a dose:
Last year’s winner of the BBC shindig was Lewis Hamilton – the British tax-exile who lives in Switzerland.
Don’t vote for the morals or the words – vote for the sporting achievement.
If you watch a football match and find yourself wondering, “I’m unsure about entering the war in Syria, so I’ll wait and see if Andy Murray wins this point. If he does, I think we should start bombing” you need psychiatric help.
Of course, you’ll have to watch the champions on a broadcaster other than the BBC, which largely eschews sport as a battle of skill, preferring to spend its days inviting the audience to answer the saddest question of all, as it put it to them via Radio 5 Live: “Are sportsman role models”. What it means, of course, is are these athletes cheered by the guileless unknowing, the great unwashed, the kind of people who read red-top tabloids and watch sport in pubs – a demographic so brainless and lacking in parental guidance they see Wayne Rooney as a father figure? Do people not like us see sportsman as role models?
To which we’d say: is the BBC a role model? That question to you, Tyson Fury.
Big news in the Sun, whereon Rita Ora is trailing the X Factor grand final – and pointing to what this year’s winner can expect from pop stardom:
“RITA – I’ve lost count of times my boobs popped out”.
It’s sensational front-page news – with a key pulled quote from a two-page interview – that has Sun readers asking, ‘Popped out.. for a curry / to the shops?’ And, moreover, what of ‘nipped out’, which certainly lends itself to a better pun.
We’d leave it there, but spread like a bikini-clad St. Agatha over pages 12 and 13, Rita has more news of her wayward, fresh-air-seeking breasts.
X Factor judge Rita Ora is becoming as famous for her unruly boobs as she is for her singing career.
Rita’s music might be middle-of -the road, but her tits are most certainly punk.
But she doesn’t care and admits she has lost count of the times her nipples have accidentally gone on display.
Gone on display? As in been exhibited, perhaps, in a museum or on Simon Cowell’s mantelpiece? Says Rita:
“It’s fun. It has happened to me lots so I am not paranoid about it anymore. You end up losing track of them.”
Here’s a tip, Rita: why not keep tabs on your boobs by making your next tattoo a barcode. If your breasts gets out, then call UPS and have them trace your primary female characteristics and pick them them – making sure your in between the hours of 8am and 5pm.
Have you seen the new “mini city” in France? Called The ‘Jungle’, the city features: a dozen shops, libraries, restaurants, makeshift hotels, a sculpture garden, a dome-shaped theatre, an Eritrean night-club, a playground, a book shop named Jungle Books (gerrit?) and a church.
The Mail’s Josh White says his place looks like a “mini-Glastonbury festival”, only cleaner, and with less kids called Scarlett, 4x4s and lice.
And the great news is that this city of culture can be reached by ferry, or li-lo, what with it being in Calais. It’s the kind of place that ‘edgy’, liberal white people looking for a dash of ethnic colour head to to feel daring and fulfilled. The danger, of course, is that Jake and Lara will buy a second home there, so raising the property prices and driving out the poorer, swarthier inhabitants. But it’s not yet an enclave of London. That for later when the Pizza Express and artisan bakers open – when arriviste Lara hires one of the former locals as a nanny.
It turns out that those people who want to reach the UK for a better life are efficient, innovative, daring, creative, driven, resourceful and sociable.
Or as the Mail puts it elsewhere:
Last one to book the Jungle mini-break’s an Aldi shopper!
Linda Stasi has news on the massacre at a social services center in San Bernardino, California. She shines a narrow beam of light on one of the 13 people murdered: Nicholas Thalasinos.
They were two hate-filled, bigoted municipal employees interacting in one department. Now 13 innocent people are dead in unspeakable carnage. One man spent his free time writing frightening, NRA-loving, hate-filled screeds on Facebook about the other’s religion.
The other man quietly stewed and brewed his bigotry, collecting the kind of arsenal that the Facebook poster would have envied.
To recap: one man wrote things on Facebook. One man murdered 13 people. Keep in mind these intrinsic differences as you read on:
What they didn’t realize is that except for their different religions they were in many ways similar men who even had the same job.
To recap that recap: one murdered 13 people; one wrote things. To Stasi’s adipose mind each of those actions – murdering 13 people and writing on your Facebook page – defines the man.
When anyone is murdered in the US – an unarmed man or woman at a do, say – you should withhold sympathy until you’ve seen their Facebook posts, trawled through their tweets and bon mots for signs of gurning stupidity, gayness, fascism, carbon neutrality, football team affiliation, weirdness and so on. This is why mawkish Channel 4 news presenters always emphasise children as the true victims of war – it locates a victim viewers of every prejudice can surely agree as unequivocally deserving of our tears.
(Of course, we who know what utter swine some kids are remain unconvinced by the ploy. Did you hear what spiteful Julie whispered about Zed the bed wetter? Better to sob for Billy, who was good at football and came top in spelling.)
One man, the Muslim, was a loser who had to travel all the way to Pakistan to get himself an email bride. (I refuse to add to their fame by using the killer and his murderous wife’s names.)
That wife radicalized him and fueled his hatred. The FBI is investigating her ties to Al Qaeda and ISIS. Go to the Middle East, meet your new wife, meet some terror leaders, begin your wedded bliss back in the USA.
Cherchez la femme, eh.
The other man, the victim, Nicholas Thalasinos, was a radical Born Again Christian/Messianic Jew, who also connected with his future wife online and had traveled across the country to meet her.
The killer, however, became half of an Islamic Bonnie & Clyde, while the other died as the male equivalent of Pamela Geller.
And on Stasi goes. As for being Bonnie & Clyde, mass murderers Syed Raheel Farook and Tashfeen Malik were not driven by any greed for filthy lucre. Nothing so noble. They sought only death.
Stasi then adds:
The killers deserve every disgusting adjective thrown at them. And more. But…
…the victim is also inaccurately being eulogized as a kind and loving religious man.
What d’yer know about the corpse, Linda?
Make no mistake, as disgusting and deservedly dead as the hate-filled fanatical Muslim killers were, Thalasinos was also a hate-filled bigot. Death can’t change that. But in the U.S., we don’t die for speaking our minds. Or we’re not supposed to anyway.
Which makes you wonder what the point of Stasi’s story is? She doesn’t like what the murdered man wrote on Facebook. He didn’t deserve to die for what he thought, she graciously concedes. But now that he is dead, we should spare the pity because his politics were not within the Stasi-acceptable part of the mainstream.
Thalasinos was an anti-government, anti-Islam, pro-NRA, rabidly anti-Planned Parenthood kinda guy, who posted that it would be “Freaking Awesome” if hateful Ann Coulter was named head of Homeland Security.
He was murdered. He was shot dead at a party.
He asked, “IS 1. EVERY POLITICIAN IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR? 2. EVERY POLITICIAN IS A MORON? 3. EVERY POLITICIAN IS RACIST AGAINST JEWS?” He also posted screeds like, “You can stick your Muslim Million Man march up your asses,” and how “Hashem” should blow up Iran.
His Facebook page warns that “Without HEALTHY PREGNANT WOMAN (Democrats) would have NO SOURCE of BABIES to SACRIFICE and SELL!”
He was asking for it? He was asking to be murdered? Shed no tears for him. He said things Stasi – and how about that name for nominative determinism, folks – does not agree with.
Stasi then nails her bigotry:
We have freedom of speech but…
No buts, Linda. But them no more. Freedom of speech – the right to speak your mind and debate your point of view – has no buts.
It’s war, then. It always is. Britain has entered the war in Syria. MPs voted, backing the bombing with a majority of 174.
The Daily Mirror says this is “CAM’S WAR”, nailing the battle to David Cameron’s lapels. Something in the history books for Dave, then, who had been relying on footnotes about ‘Sam Cam’ and ‘LOL’ to mark his place in the ledgers.
The Mirror leads with news that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn “warned” that not everyone is in favour of fighting. Says Corbyn: “The Prime Minister’s approach is bomb first talk later.”
But they did talk and talk and talk in the Commons. For an age the talk was about Cameron’s comment that the naysayers were a ” bunch of terrorist sympathisers”. Labelling them all as such was crass and clumsy. Cameron might have surveyed the Opposition benches and been more pointed about those with “friends” in Hamas.
The Sun says Corbyn “cosied up to IRA during its campaign of slaughter” and called Hamas and Hezbollah “friends”.
The Mirror says politicians from all sides demanded Cameron apologise. “12 times” he refused to do so.
Mirror columnist Kevin Maguire looks at the vote and concludes that Cameron “lost the argument” to bomb Syria. Very few journalists are good at maths. But to say that a 174 majority represent a moral defeat is monocular to the point to tunnel vision. Maguire then shares his observation that Cameron is a “posh Tory with no class”.
Maguire also agrees with Corbyn that attacking Islamic State will make us a target. Newsflash: we are a target.
The Mail says Corbyn was “crushed”. In all 66 Labour MPs voted against their leader, including Hilary Benn, who called he jihadis “fascists” and an “evil” that must be defeated. Corbyn was “ashen-faced” and “eviscerated”.
The Indy leads with Benn’s speech. Cometh the hour, cometh yet another Labour MP to show just how feeble Corbyn is.
The Mail says pro-war Labour MPs were sent pictures of dead kids and attacked online by hard-Left moralists. Stella Creasy MP saw her home and office marched on by “hundreds” of protestors. The Sun sees her tweet one righteous tweeter, “Seriously do one sunshine.”
You can’t beat ISIS on twitter, but you can call out a few bellends.
Let’s get our war on, then.