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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 206

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Alfie Patten And Chantelle Graduate From Sex Education Class

ALFIE Patten, 13, claims to have fathered his inamorata Chantelle Steadman’s baby daughter, Maisie Roxanne. Now read on…

The Herald: Old orthodoxies cannot address underage sex

What’s it all about, Alfie? Regardless of whether 13-year-old Alfie Patten is or is not the father of 15-year-old Chantelle Steadman’s baby daughter, the story has set the hare running on the issue of teenage pregnancy.

No story can be a story unless it contains the nugget of an issue. What that issue is depends on your vested interest and prejudices. For teenage boys it is about how 12-year-old Alfie not only pulled an older woman but squired her while they were just getting into masturbation.

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Posted: 19th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (12)


Alfie Patten And Chantelle Steadman: Gordon Brown Asks, Spice Girls To Blame And Jade Goody

ALFIE Patten, 13, claims to have fathered his inamorata Chantelle Steadman’s baby daughter, Maisie Roxanne in Eastbourne, Sussex. But Alfie might not be the daddy.

A DNA test will sort out the daddy from the boys, that gaggle of lads who claim to have squired the fragrant Chantelle, 15.

The papers have their latest story on Broken Britain, the grotesque world in which little girls have babies with little boys. And not just any babies, but healthy ones. On with the story. And eyes down for Tabloid Bingo:

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Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (16)


Jade Goody: Che Jade, Her Little Princes And Wed And Buried

JADE Goody’s Celebrity Cancer: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the Mourn Porn of Jade’s Goody’s celebrity cancer.

Daily Express (front page): “Jade’s boys cheers their brave mum”

Jade Goody’s sons are off to see mum in hospital. Yes two boys to an assisted blonde mum. How long before the lads are called the “little princes”?

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Posted: 18th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (30)


Birmingham’s Supporting Feature, With Telly Savalas And Baim

AND now for our supporting feature…

Old Mr Anorak has happy memories of Birmingham, where he lived for a while in the 1980s. He remembers particularly fondly the friendly people and the dry sense of humour, as epitomised by the smutty and amusing ads for the local beer.

His memories of other aspects of Brum are less fond, however. He was left cold by New Street Station, and even colder by the Bull Ring – a sixties concrete shopping centre full of run-down market stalls, with a noisy motorway overhead.

Others begged to differ, though.

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Posted: 17th, February 2009 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Manchester United Fan Caught In Liverpool Facebook Scam

TO Scotland, where Stuart Slann has arrived at the home of his paramour, a sultry women with whom he has been conversing via text message and Facebook chats.

Mr Slann has made the nine-hour trip from his martial home in Sheffield to a remote farm in Scotland to meet the lovely lassie, the woman known to him as “Emma”.

“Emma” is running late. She has to finish work. Mr Slann waits for a further three hours. His phone rings.

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Posted: 17th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Muslim Wife Swap: TV Founder Beheads Wife

TO NEW YORK, where Muzzammil Hassan, founder of an Islamic television station in upstate New York aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes, has confessed to beheading his wife, one (and a bit) Aasiya Hassan, say reports.

It’s bit like the head of the Catholic Church talking about love for all while nodding along with a Holocaust denier and sucking up to a gay hater.

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Posted: 17th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (12)


Lamb Attacks Golden Eagle, Hippo Takes Flight

WHILE we wait for the next installment in the Jade Goody Celebrity Cancer and lament the outbreak of peace in Israel, we bring you news of a lamb seen head-butting a golden eagle.

A mentioned in the 10th Outer Hebrides Bird Report, a Scottish Natural Heritage production, the incident involved a lamb and the bird of prey at Baile Ailean on the Western Isles.

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Posted: 17th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)


Snout Of Order: Petition To Cap Bankers’ Bonuses

BEAT The Banker: sign our Anorak petition to stop bankers’ greedy salaries.

TROUGH UPDATE HERE

In the days BCC (Before Credit Crunch) we believed what we were told: senior executives are paid so much because you need to get the best people; traders get big bonuses because they are the wealth generators; you get what you pay for.

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Posted: 13th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (97)


Australia Fire: Warmists, Jihadists, Terrorists, Arsonist, Religionists And Opportunists

FIRES rage in Australia. Lives are lost.

The fire up close.

The greens are saying that in fire season fires will happen. Prescient stuff. This in the Guardian from Tim Flannery:

Rudd has said that the arsonists suspected of lighting some fires are guilty of mass murder, and the police are busy chasing down these malefactors. But there’s an old saying among Australian fire fighters — “whoever owns the fuel, owns the fire”. Let’s hope that Australians ponder the deeper causes of this horrible tragedy, and change our polluting ways before it’s too late.

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Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (16)


When Abortion Is Murder

ABORTION is an emotive matter. The self-styled pro-lifers would rather have any life over abotion, however tragic and miserable for mother and child – however much the birth ruins lives.

But what can be made of aborted babies born alive and screaming?

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Posted: 11th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (40)


The Sopranos Swearing Is No Match For Rooney And The Top Ten British Swear Words

THE following video features every swear word uttered on The Sopranos in chronological order. (NSFW.)

Anorak is both shocked and saddened by the video. Who knew that for all its excellence The Sopranos centred on just two swear words: f*** and s***.

Britishers see more swearing – and more fluent swearing – when Wayne Rooney appears on a tea-time footy match in purple-puss HD digital close up.

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Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


Abi Titmuss And Mickey Rourke Sex Scene: Full Transcript

JUST how did Abi Titmuss “turn down sex with Mickey Rourke”?

And do know that tuning down sex with Mickey Rourke has been down before, notably by his Wrestler co-star Rachel Wood, who opined:

“I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”

Wood complained that stories linking her to Rourke were distracting to her career. What hope, then, for

Titmuss whose career high is a straight-to-tissues home movie?

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Posted: 10th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)


Oh Carol Thatcher, Oh Golly: A Brief History Of The Golliwog

CAROL Thatcher’s “golliwog” remark has put the issue into the news for the first time in forty years.

I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

Carol Thatcher’s “golliwog” remark has put the issue into the news for the first time in four months. As recently as October 2008 the Enid Blyton shop was under attack for stocking gollies. And in four months’ time another golly non-story will probably come along

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Posted: 8th, February 2009 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (29)


The Top Ten Flashmob Facebook Dances

THE Top Ten Facebook Flashbob Dances:

THE Facebook Flashmob take over Liverpool Street station. They’re doing the T-Mobile dance. It’s all testament to how corporations are affecting our lives.

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Posted: 7th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment


Jade Goody’s Celebrity Cancer: Casualty Special And Hate Mail

JADE Goody Cancer watch: Jade has a tumour removed.

JADE’S LIFE SAVING OP” is the Mirror’s front-page news.

A nation’s heart has gone out to Jade Goody during her cancer battle, but few people can truly understand her ordeal as well as Rebekah Gibbs.

Who she?

The former Casualty star was diagnosed with breast cancer in April last year – just 10 weeks after the birth of her daughter Gigi.

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Posted: 7th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (23)


Baby P: Sharon Shoesmith’s Torture And the Sun’s Grave Grab

BABY P is dead. Baby P was tortured.

Baby P is in the media. The Sun made land grab for his resting place. The Sun demanded that Sharon Shoesmith, then head of children’s services at Haringey Council, be sacked. The Sun demanded that others be sacked. No time to learn from mistakes, to improve by experience. Just go.

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Posted: 7th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (52)


An Open Letter From Michael Phelps

WHAT was Michel Phelps thinking of when he first dipped a toe into the murky waters of pro-celebrity swimming?

The Olympics is seedy, vice-riddled world of corruption, greed and drugs.

Says a contrite Phelps:

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Posted: 7th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (8)


Fat Jessica Simpson Melts On Stage

JESSICA Simpson is now so fat – putting the size ten in tennis court – that she is melting beneath the arc lights on stage.

To the Rascal Flatts gig in Grand Rapids Michigan, where Jessica is fighting back tears, mumbling and looking about as comfortable as a fattened goose in a Frenchman’s sauna.

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Posted: 7th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Photojournalism | Comments (7)


Strip A Child For World Nude Day

FEBRUARY 9 is World Nude Day. It is also UNICEF Day for Change:

Day for Change gives pupils the opportunity to wear what they want for the day in return for a small donation to UNICEF. In 2005, Day for Change focuses on the issue of food and nutrition in Ethiopia and Tajikistan.

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Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Man Arrested For Public Sex With Two Inflatable Dolls

GEORGE Bartusek has been caught enjoying a threesome with two rubber dolls in the front seat of his car outside the Publix shop in Cape Coral, Florida.

Within the beige Lincoln saloon car, the 51-year-old was naked from the waist down.

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Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (6)


Lily Allen: Makes Simon Cowell A Proposition He Can Refuse

LILY Allen watch: Lily propositions Simon Cowell, by accident. D’oh!

Says Lily:

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Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Obama Watch: Obama’s Second, Third And Fourth Coming, And Bible Studies

BARACK Obama Watch: Anorak’s look at the Cult of Obama…

“I was at the podium closest to the first family and the Bidens. I couldn’t looked over for very long. It’s like looking at the sun” – Laura Linney, Hollywood Reporter

“I am Mark Saggers and this is the first 5Live Sport of the Barack Obama presidency” – BBC

“Oh…Oh… Oh… Obama: New hope for the future of Orgasms! Rampant Rabbit Wave, exclusive to Ann Summers. ‘Yes we can believe in’ – Now £10 off” – Ann summers

As a Leo, President Obama’s high standards and complete professionalism won’t stand for being treated with contempt or ridicule, buy they are vey aware of other people’s need for dignity, so his relationship with Brown should be interesting as Brown, a Piscean on the cusp of Aries, has a tendency to be hot-tempered, impetuous and impatient” – Press Release, GanashSpeaks

“When Barack Obama steps out for his inauguration later tonight, a little piece of Australia will be on stage with him. His wife, Michelle, will be wearing an Australian-made daytime eye-shadow” – Today tonight, Australia

President, Larry Younginer knelt in front of the congregants at his suburban Atlanta church and offered a prayer of thanks.

“Lord, we have again come to you in prayer, and you have heard our cries from heaven, and you have sent us again from the state called Illinois, a man called Barack to heal our land. We pray that you will build a hedge around him that will protect him from those who would do him harm….”

[Lawrence Carter, dean of the Martin Luther King Jr. International Chapel:

“It is powerful and significant on a spiritual level that there is the emergence of Barack Obama 40 years after the passing of Dr. King. No one saw him coming, and Christians believe God comes at us from strange angles and places we don’t expect, like Jesus being born in a manger” – Chicago Tribune

“Oxford is playing a key role in a historical event today – as President–Elect Barack Obama takes an oath of office on a Bible published by Oxford University Press” – Oxford University press release

Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


The Kaka Tattoo Tapes: Why Kaka Didn’t Join Manchester City

FOR days, Manchester City fans toyed with the news that Kaka would leave AC Milan and take up residence in Eastlands.

Now Anorak can reveal why that deal did not go though and how it was too late for Manchester City fan Christopher Atkinson.

To an office in Milan. Kaka is seated in his football kit and boots. His agent is talking…

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Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Chantelle Houghton Bags Jermain Defoe

IT was ever going to be so for Chantelle Houghton, erstwhile Big Brother winner, wearer of the gargantuan Jordans and now Wag to Tottenham Hotspur footballer Jermain Defoe, a man caught in a time loop.

One year ago, the News of the World told us:

“SPURS ace Jermain Defoe rolls off the busty mistress he has kept secret for an astonishing SEVEN YEARS… and plants the cups of her giant 36GG bra on his head.”

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Posted: 6th, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


The Top 10 Barack Obama Theme Songs

BARACK Obama’s theme music is not “Hail to the Chief” but Sting’s “Desert Rose” or Cole Porter’s “Night and Day”.

Instead of the usual contingent of trumpets, tubas and drums, a single piano player now provides musical interludes before and after the president’s appearance.

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Posted: 5th, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment