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Key Posts | Anorak - Part 207

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Shoe Thrown At China’s Wen Jiabao (Video)

THE shoe as a weapon. The shoe as protest. The shoe as thrown at China’s Prime Minister Wen Jiabao as   he speaks at Cambridge University:

FOX News reports:

The protester seated near the back of the auditorium stood up during Wen’s speech and shouted: “How can you listen to this unchallenged?” before throwing the shoe that landed some distance from the premier. Wen was unhurt and police arrested the man.

Culture Me: In China throwing shoe is a sign of good fortune.

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Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (3)


Madonna and Jesus Make A Crotch Grab

ASKS the Daily Mail: Madonna poses for yet ANOTHER raunchy album picture, will she still be doing this at 70?

Says 14: “As an avid appreciator of absurdity, I sure hope so!”

Madonna grabbing her crotch is getting to the point where she looks like she fighting incontinence or a pelvis organ prolapse.

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Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)


Manchester United’s Scholes Can Hit A Helmet From 40 Yards

PAUL Scholes is able to land the ball on the “head” of any piss taking Manchester United player. Fact.

Says Alex Ferguson:

“The most amazing thing is Paul Scholes in the morning.”

Paul Scholes morning glory?

“…when a player goes to pee at the side of the training pitch… he fires balls from 40 yards right on the top of their head. He got John O’Shea about two weeks ago.”

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Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Sports | Comments (5)


Lily Allen Is Violet Elizabeth Bott’s Britney Spears

LILY Allen Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at the UK leading jobbing celebrity. Today, Lily wears a pair of blue knickers on stage and pretends she’s Britney Spears.

Lily Allen is the multi-faceted star of her age, the epitome of celebrity. In today’s instalment of Lily Allen Watch, Lily is “Leggy Allen” on the Sun’s front page and “Frilly Allen” on the cover of the Daily Star.

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Posted: 2nd, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (16)


Michael Phelps Dries Out With A Marijuana Bong Fire

MICHAEL Phelps, multiple Olympic gold medalist, is pictured smoking weed from a bong. Marijuana is the secret of Phelps’ success. There is hope of London’s Olympians yet.

And who knew that a man who spends his life face down in chlorine and other people’s wee could have a life outside the pool?

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Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)


Green Shirt Offer: Save The Planet With The Earth S-Mother

JONATHAN Porritt, chair of the government’s Sustainable Development Commission, says “couples” who have more than two children are being “irresponsible”.

The third child creates “an unbearable burden on the environment”. So the third child has to go, for the good of mankind. Abortion for Mother Earth!

Says Porrrit:

“I think we will work our way towards a position that says that having more than two children is irresponsible. It is the ghost at the table. We have all these big issues that everybody is looking at and then you don’t really hear anyone say the “p” word.”

The P word is of course Baby P. He is the ghost at the table, or one of them.

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Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


10 Naked Amy Winehouse Facts

PSST! Wanna see Amy Winehouse naked? Wanna see Amy Winehouse naked an playing scrabble.

If you do rearrange the following letters in the manner of a Rachel Riley conundrum:

E, YES MY

10 Amy Winehouse Facts

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Posted: 1st, February 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Madeleine McCann: Facts, Mourn Porn And A Birthday Tea

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

Daily Mirror: “Haunted by Maddy’s disappearance, Kate McCann spends three hours a day trawling files”

She is consumed with the hunt for her daughter. every day she will spend 3 hours reading documents, looking for the vital clue which will answer the question that has tortured her and Gerry for 21 agonising months. Where is our missing Madeleine?

Our Maddy, surely?

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Posted: 31st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (32)


Israel And Gaza: The UN School Massacre That Never Was

THE Israelis killed the 43 schoolchildren by bombing Ibn Rushd Preparatory School for Boys, run by the United Nations Relief and Works Agency in Gaza. Fact. The Toronto Globe and Mail has been picking though the debris:

Physical evidence and interviews with several eyewitnesses, including a teacher who was in the schoolyard at the time of the shelling, make it clear: While a few people were injured from shrapnel landing inside the white-and-blue-walled UNRWA compound, no one in the compound was killed. The 43 people who died in the incident were all outside, on the street, where all three mortar shells landed….

A terrible loss of life. But the facts are not quite what the media reported at the time:

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Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (19)


The Eurovison Wars: Spain’s Attack On Cliff Richard, The British Elvis

“DID Franco’s Spain rig Eurovision and cheat Cliff Richard out of a win?” asks the Daily Mail’s David Wigg.

Cliff, who has enjoyed hits in three millennia, has outlived bigger foes than General Franco. But can it be that the Spanish dictator fixed it so that Cliff’s Congratulations! lost the Tepid War of Eurovision by a single point to Spain’s Massiel’s forgettable La La La?

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Posted: 30th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)


Pilot James Blunt Says Stay Grounded With Emma Thompson

SINGER James Blunt has created a protest “paper plane” in support of the Stay Grounded campaign.

Later this month, which is the heaviest flight-booking month of the year, we’re going to ask people to Stay Grounded and avoid booking or taking a flight if they can. To do this, we’re going to launch a collection of Protest Paper Planes in London created by talented famous people and talented normal people alike. Each paper plane will be a folded up sheet of A4 artwork with a brilliant piece of anti-flying or pro-flying alternative artwork on it.

When they are not swimming and walking around the world promoting their careers, James Franco, Emma Thompson and the aforesaid Blunt are telling other people not to fly on airplanes.

Blunt’s father, a Colonel in the British Army Air Corps, was a military helicopter pilot.

Blunt is a member of Harrow Aviation Club. Says he: “I can fly anything with a single engine.”

Blunt earned his pilot’s licence, aged 16.

Take it up, up, up and away, James:

Yes, she caught my eye,
As I walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Madeleine McCann: A Look At The Brand McCann Accounts

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

It’s time to look at those end-of-year Our Maddy Fund accounts and McCann Incorporated:

The Sun: “Maddie’s donors in £2m bid”

WELL-wishers donated almost £2million to the fund to find Madeleine McCann in the ten months after she vanished, it has emerged.

They gave almost £260-an-hour after Madeleine went missing aged three in Praia da Luz, Portugal, on May 3 2007, accounts lodged with Companies House show.

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Posted: 29th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (72)


The Ten Best Birthing Songs Ever

CHARLOTTE Church delivers the customary celebrity post-natal blow-by-blow and reveals that throughout the birth she listened to Phil Collins.

Church says he was plugged into lover Gavin’s iPod and when the song In The Air Tonight came on, out flew Dexter.

Might Church have stumbled on an alternative drug-free therapy? Make a pain somewhere else in the body – in this instance, the ears – greater then the pain elsewhere?

True enough, the baby’s first earthly sounds will not be mum’s comforting screams but the soft rock of Collins, but you take your chances. We will only understand the perils of such exposure when Dexter grows up and expresses himself by rolling up the sleeves on his linen jacket and shaving his head into a sharp widow’s peak.

Anorak has passed this news on to our resident scientists and by the process of playing a stereo in the vicinity of Poole General Hospital they and we now bring you the…

Ten Best Birthing Songs Ever!

In The Air Tonight – Phil Collins

 

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Posted: 28th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)


Celebrity Spotting With The Kray Twins

LEAFING through the Kray twins auction, we note a signed photo of Fern Britton – “To Reg, with very best wishes, Fern X.”

The lot for sale at the Chiswick Auction rooms also includes a signed print of Muhammed Ali, and autographed snap shots of Barbra Streisand, actress Patsy Kensit and singer Mark Knopfler.

There is also a signed copy of Norman Wisdom’s autobiography.

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Posted: 27th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment


Nancy Pelosi Accepts Role As Contraceptive Device

NANCY Pelosi advocates a “stimulus” package for contraception. Her face will from September 2009, be used to stimulate a crisis of confidence in men and women of breeding age.

Black vans will patrol neighbourhoods of high birth rates and low incomes and beam a holographic image of Nancy into the night skies, down alleys, into cars and wherever people are copulating.

A megaphone will blurt out at all hours of the day and night:

“Before pregnancy Nancy Pelosi looked like this (picture of nubile young woman) and now after five children – Nancy Corinne, Christine, Jacqueline, Paul, and Alexandra – as well as seven grandchildren she looks like this.”

Then the clincher: “Nancy Pelosi is 15.”

In schools, adolescents will be encouraged to masturbate frequently and take classes in premature ejaculation (see poster of the young Pelosi). Pelosi, a Catholic school graduate, will seek out predatory priests and get them to scare the kidz off sex by a series of one-on-one sessions.

All hot water will be turned off, boys will be issued with a regulation sponge and collecting vial (with calibrated targets) and girls… Well, women don’t like sex anyhow, do they Nancy, so they will all become lesbians, nuns, Democrat party congress women or anti-global warming activists.

Advert breaks in football matches will be reduced to 11 seconds. And a new sex education book will teach students that to have really good sex you must first ingest handfuls of cat fur and nail polish, a truism backed up by a big online porn drive.

Says Pelosi:

The exchange:

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC’s THIS WEEK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children’s health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those – one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.

STEPHANOPOULOS: So no apologies for that?

PELOSI: No apologies. No. we have to deal with the consequences of the downturn in our economy.

Lights fade. Mood music. Sound of muffled sobbing…

Say What, Speaker Pelosi?
Pelosi: Cutting Poor Babies Accelerates Economic Growth
Maybe it’s all that talk about “stimulus”
Kids are Free! Who Knew?
That’s Probably It
Pelosi’s Inane Rant of the Day
Cheaper to kill ‘em than to pay for them
Pelosi: Contraception is Good Stimulus for the Economy

Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


BBC Jonathan Ross Shags Octogenarian Gaza On A Swing As Satanic Slut Observes

GAZA and the appeal that will not be aired on the BBC. Says the Daily Mail.

Crisis at BBC escalates as 11,000 complain over refusal to broadcast Gaza appeal

Is that all? Perhaps if Jonathan Ross can intervene on behalf of the charities and say that he is f**king Gazza on a swing in his garden things can improve?

The crisis is the latest controversy to hit the BBC, which is still reeling from the enormous backlash over the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand affair.

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (15)


Your Invitation To The Madeleine McCann Look-alike Party

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

UK tabloid invites readers to Maddy look-alike do – details to follow…

THE PEOPLE: “MCCANN’S FACE ANOTHER FAMILY MILESTONE WITHOUT MADDY”

Tom Mctague is walking the Maddy Mile, putting in the hard yards. He has just passed another marker:

Kate and Gerry McCann will this week brave another family milestone without their beloved daughter Maddie – their twins’ fourth birthday.

How is that a milestone, then? Is reaching the grand old age of four now a milestone in this paedo, pervy age? If he turns up, call the cops.

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (21)


New Homes For Guantanamo Bay Mates At LAWNS 12-Step Programme

GUANTANAMO Bay is closing and Old Mr Anorak has selflessly offered to find bed and board for three and maybe four – should Svetlana not return for her trip to the immigration centre – of the Bay’s more handsome residents.

OMA is not obsessed with looks, far from it. He would often compliment the first Lady OMA on her top knot of sun-kissed skin upon which her thatch of blonde hair perched like a smug Tweety pie on a comatose Sylvester (Memoirs Vol. IX, Chapt. XXXVI).

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Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews And Craig Meehan To Breed

KAREN Matthews has been jailed for 8 years for her part in the kidnap of her daughter Shannon Matthews.

Now read on…

NOTW: “I want babies with my Karen”

It’s Craig Meehan. His image is captioned:

Perv’s jail wedding bid.

He wants babies? And you’ll remember who she was heavily pregnant?

THE vile boyfriend of evil kidnap scam mum Karen Matthews has revealed they want to start a FAMILY when she gets out of prison. Craig Meehan, who was jailed last year for having child porn images on his computer, also intends to MARRY Matthews inside.

B-b-b-but…

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Posted: 25th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)


George Bush: Memo To Self (Me) – Things To Do

WHEN President Barack Obama started work in the White House he noticed a piece of paper that had slipped down the back of his desk drawer. The document bore the unmistakable handwriting of the forty-third President of the United States of America.

MEMO TO SELF (ME): THINGS TO DO

1. Declare war on Geese. We need to kick the butts of geese for bringing done plane in New York. Geese are agents of evil. Dick says Saddam had geese in palaces. There¹s ya link!

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Posted: 24th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (8)


Ten Odd Things Banned From Football Grounds

FEW things are not banned from football grounds these days. The chants of old have been replaced by the steward’s shrill command “Sit down”. Anorak looks at ten things banned from our grounds, where passion is policed:

PARROTS

A PARROT was banned from Hatfield Town for imitating the referee’s whistle during a crunch match between local rivals Hatfield Town and Hertford Heath.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)


Obamism: Obama Says British Black Woman Are Thick And Lazy

A LETTER from Barack Obama to prove that Bush might have gone but we still have US President to poke fun at.

Obama has typoed a missive on House of Commons stationery – he is our President now – and in championing Dawn Butler MP manages to insult all but one of Britain’s other black women.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)


Madeleine McCann: The Maddy Porn Mag On Display

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

But is it porn? Mourn Porn? Yesterday we had the “paedo!”. Now we have the “porn!” Two words can keep this story going, and they are not “Maddie found”.

HACKNEY GAZETTE: “MADDIE STUNT FURY”

A vile stunt in which a group of Hackney artists made pornographic artwork using images of Madeleine McCann has sparked outrage.

Vile. Outraged! Did you see it? Well, in case you didn’t go to a minor art exhibition in a easy-to-miss part of London and be outraged, know this:

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (53)


Barack Obama: First Day Picture Gallery (Exclusive)

BARACK Obama is upon us. The seagulls have spoken. and Anroak has obtained these exclusive pictures of the President’s first day in office.

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Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (4)


Ten Alternative Barack Obama Slogans

“YES we can,” says Obama.

Yes we can,” chant the Obamites.

And now Goonies fan Obama is in power, we can, or – better yet – he can (what with him being organiser of the global community and all).

And now Obama is in power what will he say about can, hope and change? Will he combine all three into a united vision – “Hope we can change”, backed by the sign of the crossed fingers? Or should the teleprompter fail, will he demand “Change we hope can Hope can change we”?

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Posted: 21st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)