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Madeleine McCann’s Kidnapper Calls Police

maddie-fbiTO mark the two-year anniversay of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance, the media is cranking up its coverage. It’s all about the hunt for Our Maddie, isn’t it?

Well, no. After much chatter, lives ruined and censure in the courtroom the single-thread story that spun out of control is once more invites us to watch the parents and speculate.

Sky News: “Madeleine: ‘Major Flaws In Police Probe’”

Madeleine McCann may never be found due to major flaws in the police investigation into her disappearance, according to a leading child protection expert.

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Posted: 1st, May 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (41)


Pictures Of People Dying In Attempted Murder Of Dutch Queen

dutch-queenDEATH as entertainment: update. With Jade Goody’s media death a hit, the Daily Mail wonders if it is death or the celebrity that makes the big story? And gives readers pictures of people being killed in a murderous attempt on the Dutch Queen:

Four cheering spectators killed after speeding driver makes an assassination attempt on the Dutch queen

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Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)


Simona Halep: Romanian Tennis Ace’s Picture Gallery

simona-halep1IN readiness for Wimbledon (that’s tennis, folks) Anorak introduces Simon Halep, the 17-year-old Romanian tennis ace who will be the tabloids’ new Anna Phwoar-nikova.

The pictures show a woman of rare talent and should bring the pages of Nuts magazine alive for the boys who pull the tarpaulin over the court when it rains…

Pictures:

Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (10)


Swine Flu Hits American Idol

swine-fluSWINE Flu is upon us. Although this is a respiratory disease and not a disease that affects pigs and pig meat, people hear swine flu and stop buying pork. You should also stop watching American Idol – it’s link to swine flu has not been ruled out.

Anorak already hears whispers that Peta, the self-appointed spokespeople for dumb animals is lobbying to get it called Veal Flu. Arsenal fans are calling it Manchester United Flu, Pakistanis are calling it Taliban Flu, anti-war protestors are calling it Gun Flu and a woman in the shopping precinct who shouts at pigeons is calling it Penis Flu.

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Posted: 30th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


Exclusive: Gordon Brown Makes Moves To Resign

gordon_brown-swine-fluGORDON Brown resigns – or at least he makes ready for his early departure.

He’s responding to the petition:

Video:

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Posted: 29th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (2)


Susan Boyle: Simple Susie’s New Teeth

zeta-jones-and-boyleSUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Britian’s Got Talent’s Susan Boyle becomes Catherine Zeta Jones and  wins a Catholic medal…

There’s Lovely

DID you know that Catherine Zeta-Jones is “desperate to play Susan Boyle on screen”?

The Mail’s Paul Revoir says so:

Miss Zeta-Jones, 39, has apparently asked about the film rights to the singer’s life story and sensational appearance on Britain’s Got Talent.

It is believed that Oscar-winning film director James Cameron, who was behind Titanic, has expressed an interest in a similar project.

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Posted: 29th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Swine Flu Outbreak In London

pig-face-foodSWINE Flu is upon us and the papers and London-based broadcast media are embracing it like risen again Jade Goody. This is the big scare story the media can really sink its teeth into.

Already this morning GMTV has broadcast “LIVE” from outside Manchester Airport, where people might be soon flying in from pig-ravaged Mexico. Or pigs might be flying in. Reach for the skies!

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Posted: 29th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (16)


Susan Boyle Fans Invade Scotland

susan-boyle-houseSUSAN Boyle fans Lynn Scheffer and Bev Hohe flew from Pennsylvania to Blackburn, West Lothian to see the great hope.

At least that’s what the Sun reports. And Bev is happy to keep the story of transatlantic-stalking alive. Says she:

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Posted: 28th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Photojournalism | Comments (6)


Iain and Dawn Askham are Britain’s First Swine Flu Victims

pig-fluIAIN and Dawn Askham, of Polmont, near Falkirk, are the British newlyweds who contracted swine flu on honeymoon in Mexico.

Note: Ask-ham – more nominative determinalism.

They are in hospital in Scotland and said to be “recovering well”.

It’s one for the family album as Dawn and Iain make it into the big media and thus always remember those halcyon days in the sun.

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Posted: 28th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)


Susan Boyle Was In A Rock Band

susan-boyle-fourSUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Susan is discovered singing in a rock band…

Many writers have downloaded Anorak’s Susan Boyle Story Generator. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you will have heard of it.

Some of the results are hereunder.

You should know this by now, if you don’t you must have been living under a rock all week. Take a bow, Susan. It’s your moment to shine – The Guardian

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Posted: 28th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Octomum’s Tattoo For Each Of Her 14 Octo-Pods: Pictures

octomum-tattooOCTOMUM Nadya Suleman has a tattoo featuring the icons of her 14 children.

Images of Octomum’s tattoos are widely available, but Anorak advocates waiting for the paperback version to come out, and then getting a two-for-one deal with Angelina Jolie’s in-bed reading matter.

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Posted: 27th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)


Gay Politician Threatens To Murder Miss California

carrie-prejeanALAN Duncan, gay shadow Leader of the House of Commons, is on BBC’s TV’s Have I Got News For You, making a death threat against one Miss Carrie Prejean, 21, star of the Miss America beauty pageant.

(Carrie Prejean – nominative determinalism at work again.)

When asked by Perez Hilton whether the U.S. should legalise gay marriage in every state, Prejean replied:

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Posted: 27th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (9)


Susan Boyle’s First TV Appearance In 1995

susan-boyle-my-kind-of-peopleSUSAN Boyle Watch: in which Susan Boyle sings on TV show My Kind of People in 1995 and gets kissed by host Michael Barrymore…

The Susan Boyle media narrative can be downloaded here. The media’s campaign to know Susan Boyle better than she knows herself is being undone.

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Posted: 27th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Susan Boyle In Rehab

susan-boyle-face-changeSUSAN Boyle is “close to the edge” says the Daily Star. “TALENT SUSAN BREAKS DOWN”, screams the front-page headline.

Fast-tracked to fame and now fast-tracked to the trappings of fame, will Susan Boyle enter rehab and then appear on a talk show to tell of her demands and her journey? Will she ghost write I Dreamed A Nightmare?

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Posted: 27th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (11)


Madeleine McCann: What Kate Told Oprah Winfrey In Pictures

madeleine-mccann-oprahMADELEINE McCann is on the cover of the News of the World. Her face peers out. The headline:

“Kate: I still talk to Maddie.”

Kate McCann also talks to Oprah Winfrey, and their chat has been televised for broadcast in an hour-long TV special. Oprah won the bidding war, and to her the tissues:

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Posted: 26th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (48)


Hollie Steel To Play Young Susan Boyle On Film

hollie-steelHOLLIE Steel, the latest Britain’s Got Talent wannabe could-be – she who will Lance La Boyle – is telling the world about her “BULLY HELL” (Star on Sunday).

In an “exclusive”, Hollie sits her neat head atop her clenched fists and tells readers of her “playground taunts”.

Says mum Nina:

“Hollie has suffered quite bad bullying because she is small. She used to come home crying because she had been pushed around and had her hair pulled. Now the bullying is more verbal, with name-calling.”

Hollie sounds like a shoo-in to play Young Susan in Susan Boyle: the movie.

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Posted: 26th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Susan Boyle Is A Fake: Proof

susan-boyle-fakeSLOWLY Susan Boyle turns back into Armani Dolce, the woman whose idea it was to create a plain, frumpy alter ego and make a moral and theological point about pretty much everything.

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Posted: 25th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14)


Hollie Steel Beats Susan Boyle

hollie-steelHOLLIE Steel will Lance La Boyle. Susan Boyle is now faced with a two-pronged attack from Shaheen Jafargholi and Hollie Steel.

If nominative determinalism counts for anything, Steel will impale Boyle on the point of a sharpened majorette’s baton.

Hollie is the newest most sensational performer on planet Britain’s Got Talent. Hollie is ten, and has yet to grow facial hair and be sufficiently bullied to command a sympathetic back story.

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Posted: 25th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (11)


Madeleine McCann Spotted In Malta And Chicago

pope-oprahMADELEINE McCann has been spotted in Malta. Madeleine McCann has been spotted in Chicago, on the Oprah Winfrey TV show.
The missing child is entertaining the Americans, who are watching the parents.

So far, Madeleine has also been seen in: Portugal, Spain, Morocco, Belgium, Bosnia, France, Australia, Brazil, Wales, Italy and Dorset. Now she’s in the US.

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Posted: 24th, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (8)


BBC Vicar Says Susan Boyle Is Our Jesus

susan-boyle-cross-jesusSUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Susan Boyle is just like Jesus…

“Susan Boyle is like Jesus, says vicar,” says the OneIndia website.

You mean, she was just like Jesus before he went to the Miss Toner salon?

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Posted: 24th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Susan Boyle’s New Hair And Face Makeover: Pictures

susan-boyle-hatSUSAN Boyle’s new look is a composite blend of auburn hair, six-inch heels, eyebrows arched like a lap-dancers buttocks, a bikini body and a wry smile.

Boyle is the Sun’s “brunette with talent”. She is the Mirror’s “haircut angel”.

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Posted: 24th, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14)


Asda Puts Cock Soup On Top Shelf: 28 Smuttiest Foods Ever

cock-soupTO Asda for Old Mr Anorak’s enlivening bowl of Cock Soup.

But the packet is not where it should be. Cock Soup has been moved to the top shelf “because of the constant juvenile sniggers its name was receiving”.

The store conceded that the product needed to be relocated after receiving hundreds of complaints from shoppers. The bags of soup retail at 35p in Asda, as they do at Tesco.

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Posted: 23rd, April 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money, Photojournalism | Comments (4)


Susan Boyle Joins Tony Blair On American Idol

jesus-boyleSUSAN Boyle has been tuned into a moral and religious icon. Read about her glodly presence here: The Ten Most Amazing Susan Boyle Songs.

Now, as the Daily Star reports, ex-PM Tony Blair, 55, declared himself a fan:

He told GMTV: “Susan is probably doing more good than most of the official channels of diplomacy.”

And Tony is not alone.

British prime minister Tony Blair mingled with stars and Hollywood studio chiefs during the kickoff dinner for BritWeek April 21 at the BevWilshire.

With so many celeb mates, it’s like he never left No.10.

The event was a benefit for Malaria No More, the group chaired by News Corp. chief operating officer Peter Chernin to eradicate malaria around the world, in part by seeking contributions for $10 mosquito nets that could be sent to areas ravaged by the disease…

Blair said that because the nets could mean the difference between life and death, the evening “is about a precious, precious gift that we have the power to give.”

And Ryan Seacrest was there, the toothy American Idol presenter.

Seacrest’s presence inspired Blair to recount his own story of trying to launch a singing career — but he admitted that when he auditioned, “It wasn’t like a Susan Boyle moment.”

Susan Boyle knew my Prime Minister.

During one tryout, he got cut off by the producers. “I said, ‘Why do you do that?’ ‘Act of humanity, mate, act of humanity.’ “

Look out for Susan Boyle singing the them song for Tony Blair’s Faith Foundation – Ave Good Time, Maria…

Posted: 23rd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)


Susan Boyle Models Kate Moss

susan-boyle-kate-mossSUSAN Boyle Watch: In which Susan Boyle morphs into Kate Moss…

Boyle the role model

THE rise and rise of Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle continued yesterday as the Scots singer was acclaimed by showbusiness royalty, foreign media and fans.

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Posted: 23rd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)


Shaheen Jafargholi Lances The Boyle

shaheen-jafargholi-today-showLANCE the Boyle! Susan Boyle must be toppled. Hurrah for Shaheen Jafargholi, who is on American TV show The Today show, telling Americans:

“It has changed my life. Overnight I’ve become apparently a global superstar. It’s so amazing to have that title. I couldn’t believe it when I was told that. It’s always been a dream of mine to get this recognition. I always like to be in the spotlight and hopefully now it’s my time to shine.”

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Posted: 22nd, April 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)