Anorak

Key Posts | Anorak - Part 222

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The Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris

ISRAEL and the Palestinians are giving hacks a break from the credit crunch, waiting for Obama, ignoring the rest of the world (does South America exist?) and writing lists of what to do in 2009.

In France the situation is a trigger for a bout of voiture flambee, the country’s signature dish. Later we’ll bring you the Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris. But for now:

Protesters set cars on fire and several luxury store windows, such as the Louis Pion watch store, were smashed and looted by protesters by evening.

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Posted: 4th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


English Footballers Support Limit On Foreigners

IN Barnsley all eyes are on the Sheffield and Hallamshire Senior Cup match between Royston Villa and Sheffield’s Mosborough.

We are 80 minutes into the game and a player has been red carded.

Says a Mosborough FC spokesman:

“One of their lads got sent off and came back and had weapons and that’s why it got abandoned. We don’t want to comment because there is an inquiry and the referee’s report has got to be submitted.”

The weapons are, reportedly, a golf club a “long sword”. Neither sporting goods have been usual football paraphernalia since the mid-1970s, although both items are quintessentially English.

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Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment


Big Brother: Verne Troyer Plays Ulrika Jonsson’s Little Guy Up Front

“MINI ME: I’LL SHAFT THE LOT” is the Daily Express’s front-page headline attributed to Celebrity Big Brother hopeful Verne Troyer.

Troyer (or should that be Tryer?) stands 2ft 8in (81 cm) in his socks and is “one of the world’s smallest men”.

The BBC features a gallery of the Big Brother stars but does not provide the height details for the other housemates. Showbiz is the No.1 industry for short people, followed by tunnelling, rodeo riding, Tom Cruise stunt doubles, pantomime extras and shoe making.

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Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)


Let’s Hear It For Obama The Magic Negro In 2009

LIVE from New York, Fox News broadcasts the countdown to 2009, and a cheery message for Barack Obama:

“Let’s hope the Magic Negro does a good job – Jen and John C”

Fox bashers will jump on this and see it as sign of racism but the phrase was first used in connection with Obama by Hollywood writer David Ehrenstein in a March 2007 op-ed in the Los Angeles Times that concluded:

“Like a comic-book superhero, Obama is there to help, out of the sheer goodness of a heart we need not know or understand. For as with all Magic Negroes, the less real he seems, the more desirable he becomes.”

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7)


Waiting For You To Be Ready For The Rapture

THE Rapture is a-comin’. When? It’s a-comin’ soon. Evangelists know it. Do you know it? Yes. Are you ready to be rapt? Yes. Frank Gonzalez bring the good news in instalments.

If you’re not ready for the Rapture, he can wait for you…

IN 2007, Frank Gonzalez brought us 2007rapture.com:

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment (1)


Woolworths Uniforms For The Unemployed

FOR Christmas, Old Mr Anorak was delighted to buy his staff Woolworths.

Staff at Anorak Towers are now obliged to wear their new uniforms of smart red T-shirt branded by the country’s favourite discounted shop.

Say Old Anorak: “In your face, sub Pri-mark!”

And Anorak is not the only one embracing the change.

To save money, prisoners will now be issued with smart new grey shorts and be fed on a diet of pix ‘n’ mix.

Says one lag:

“I used to go shoplifting in Woolies with me dear old mum and the big boys. Wearing these scratchy shorts brings back fond memories of my youth.”

The Royal Navy will be dressed as Spiderman, and Superman at bedtime…

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment


Police Sentence Last Man In Britain To Discover Internet

DAVID Jell, of Queens Road, Hawkhurst, Kent, has been banned from carrying on his person felt tip- pens.

Mr Jell is also banned from writing abusive comments, people’s nicknames or contact details in a public place, and from “acting anti-socially by causing harassment, alarm or distress to others”.

One may wonder how you can be banned from causing distress to another when the odds on getting along with everyone are so remote? If this rule can be enforced, Anorak hereby petitions the rule makers to apply it to Mr Noel Edmonds, Mrs Cherie Blair, the BBC’s Breakfast ‘Team’ and anyone who has ever appeared on Strictly Come Dancing.

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Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2)


Israel, Gaza And Iran: Cynthia McKinney, Hopsital Massacre And Ahmadinejad Finally Sees A Holocaust

FORMER Democrat Congresswoman and Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney is has been on a humantarian trip to help Hamas:

A boat carrying international peace activists, including former Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, and medical supplies to the embattled Gaza Strip sailed back into a Lebanese port on Tuesday after being turned back and damaged by the Israeli navy, organizers of the trip said.

Watch out for Lauren Booth! Ahoy!

Dearest Cynthia:

The Green Party of the United States yesterday nominated one of the most anti-semitic individuals ever to recently serve in the United States Congress for President.

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (11)


Tongue, Glorious Tongue! Food As It Used To Be

Tongue, glorious tongue!

Fish paste! Tinned peach slices!! Ox tongue!!! They had it all in 1976. And if you didn’t live near a “Big Choice” Liptons, there was always a fabulous array of groceries available at the Little Shop on the corner.

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Israel’s Zio-Nazis And Palestinian Jews

GRIM stuff from Israel and the Gaza Strip. This is war. And war is never pretty. Hamas is the underdog, and the world likes those. When Israel was weak in 1967, it was cheered. Now Israel is the stronger side and tolerance will be tested.

The killing must stop. But do both sides want it to?

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Posted: 30th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (12)


The Top 11 Unwanted Christmas Gifts

CHRISTMAS is over, presents harvested, and it’s now time to get down to the serious business of asking aunty for a receipt for her gift – I just need to change it for a pink one – and cahsing in.

But if no proof of purchase is to hand, you can always sell them on eBay.  A search brings up the:

Top 11 Unwanted Christmas Gifts*

UNWANTED CHRISTMAS TOFFEES ~ MADE FOR SHARING ;0) GIFT

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)


How Barack Obama Will Save Bridgend, End Knife Crime And Sadness

IN it’s news review of the year, the Guardian’s Decca Aitkenhead takes readers “from the election of Barack Obama to economic meltdown, from the Beijing Olympics to the Baby P trial”. She “recalls the year’s best and worst times”.

But rather than being a time to reflect and make sense of things, Aitkenhead ends with a spot of mawkish media sensation, a spot of Mourn Porn:

Perhaps the saddest place of all in Britain was Bridgend, where another young suicide in August brought the total to 23 since 2007. The mystery of why so many youngsters did want to die was one no one could answer.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)


2008 Media Year: Russell Brand, Robert Peston, Strictly Come Dancing And Jonathan Ross’ Dogger Bank

IT’S been a great year for media stories about the media, starring Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross, Robert Peston, the BBC, Strictly Come Dancing and fines. The media loves media stories about the media, and so do audiences.

In 2009, the BBC will strive to bring you even more stories about the media, such as how BBC Breakfast presenters Bill Strictly and Sian In Need are never far away from a pair of spoons, and how BBC5 is to be the Beeb’s new TV channel for stories just about the media.

But what about 2008? Phew! It was quite some year.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment


Madeleine McCann: She Speaks To Spaniard And BBC Scores Points

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Fury at Maddie ‘ghost chat’”

No, not a ghost chat show – it’s not a publicity stunt. It;s not even a follow up to the Daily Star’s front page screamer: “MADDIE GHOST VISITS MUM”. It’s:

A SICK comedy writer has sparked outrage by publishing a spoof interview with Madeleine McCann’s “ghost”. Jose Perez, 28, who writes for Spanish TV, reports in his online blog that Maddie — who vanished in May 2007 aged three — visited his house.

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Posted: 29th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (73)


Obama Says He’d Bomb Hamas, Do Whatever It Takes

HAMAS asks for a damn good thrashing. Israel obliges. And Barack Obama..? Well, he’d do more, Remember this?

President-elect Barack Obama has voiced sympathy for Israel’s predicament. During his visit to Israel last summer, he held a news conference in Sderot, the southern town that has borne the brunt of the Gaza rocket attacks, saying he does not “think any country would find it acceptable to have missiles raining down on the heads of their citizens.”

“If somebody was sending rockets into my house where my two daughters sleep at night, I’m going to do everything in my power to stop that,” Obama said at the time. “And I would expect Israelis to do the same thing.”

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Posted: 28th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment


A Matter Of Loaf And Death: TV Highlights 2008 And 2009

THE tops TV show over Christmas was A Matter of Loaf and Death, a rendering of Alan Bennett’s search for a tapioca sandwich, with Wallace and Gromit.

That the denouement to a year of telly should feature no actors and no celebrities is a sure sign of how much the views craves entertainment over:

* The BBC’s output of Ian Beale debating economic policy on Question Time with Will Young (only one part of that is made up)

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Posted: 26th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (7)


A Prayer For Baby P’s Abusers

THE Rt Rev Nicholas Reade, Bishop of Blackburn, would like the flock to pray for the killers of Baby P.

The Sun, which owns the image rights to Baby P in his world and the hereafter, hears the Rt Rev Nicholas Reade says they should pray that sinners could be “brought face to face with the baby in the manger”.

So long as the social services are on hand to observe this meeting of child abuser and Baby JC then all should be well, although not in Haringey, which is, in any case, in the lower circles of Hell.

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Posted: 26th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Delivers Christmas Message On British TV

MAHMOUD Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, wants Channel 4 viewers (you know you you are) to heed his Christmas message.

Mr Ahmadinejad would also like it to be known that  he agrees with the Pope, and anyone who thinks there are any gays in Iran is welcome to check.

He invites the UN homosexual weapons inspectors in to Iran without fear.

Says Mahmoud:

In the Name of God the Compassionate, the Merciful.

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Posted: 25th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)


Police Climb Stilts And Clown About To Keep The Peace

ONE day on from “Long leg of the law: Police unveil stilt-walkers as latest weapon in crackdown on binge drinking” the Express tells us: “Police taught how to climb 3ft ladder”.

The earlier story detailed how police in Newcastle-under-Lyme were working with circus performers “to keep spirits up as pubs and clubs spilled out on Friday night”.

But here’s the rub: how to you spot the difference between a copper and a circus performer. Discuss.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)


Brad and Angelina’s Children Banned From Watching Toy Ads

IN Hello!, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are delivering their Christmas message about how Joseph adopted baby Jesus and didn’t mind that the kid was of a different faith.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)


Madeleine McCann: Sue Carroll Hymns Maddie Copperfield And Prayers For Hope

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

FERGUS Shanahan (The Sun): “McCanns must move on.”

So says the deputy editor of the Sun one day after the paper’s Morn Porn headline and story:

Maddie’s Xmas gifts are lying under the tree – THE parents of missing Madeleine McCann wrestled with their anguish to buy her gifts — on their second Christmas without her. Kate and Gerry McCann took the heart-wrenching decision as they released a fresh video appeal to find her.

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Posted: 23rd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (47)


Michael Jackson’s Message To Adolescent Boys

“JACKO needs lung swap,” announces the Sun.

Readers may wonder what the king of pop wants to swap a lung for. Times are hard for Jackson and cash remains one option, although not paid in sterling, obviously.

Others possible swaps include:

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Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)


Good God Godo Gordo It’s Gordon Brown At Christmas

“GOOD GORD,” declares the Mirror as it interviews Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity celebrity leader, who knows people who are.

In the year Gordon Brown has made his political comeback, he has learned one big thing – to listen.

Arctic Monkeys. Ruth Lorenzo. Slipknot. You name it, Gordon has listened to it.

As he sits in the living room of his Downing Street flat he is listening to the sound of his children playing with Buzz Lightyear lasers. He listens to his two-year-old son singing Happy Birthday after a friend’s birthday party.

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Posted: 22nd, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)


US Forces And Allies Step Down Hard On Zaidists Weapons Of Mass Destruction

FOLLOWING the arrest of the shoe tosser of old Baghdad, the allies have been clamping down on the usual suspects – those evil doers suspected of going about with Weapons of Mass Destruction on their feet!

All suspects will be taken to a park on the outskirts of Reading and held in a large tent until further notice.

In the meantime, citizens are advised to report any bizarre behaviour, look out for anyone in size 24 shoes an above, and on no account to smell the flowers worn in buttonholes or get into these people’s cars…

Zainab’s Shoes: For All Your Iraqi Shoe Needs

Iraqi Shoe Chucker ‘Munty’ Muntadar To Play For England

Look It George Bush, He’s Got Saddam’s Head

Iraqis Shower Bush With Free Shoes

The Top Eight Show Thowing Moments

Muntader al-Zaidi And The Ten Worst Protests Ever

George Bush Hurls

Posted: 20th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)


The Thrice-Cursed Enemies Of Kim Jong-Il

FROM the desk of the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il, aka Kim Jong-Not-Ill-In-Any Way-But-In-Rude-Health-So-Watchout, of North Korea, and not that of Gordon Brown:

Heading: “S. Korean Puppet Plot-Breeding Group’s Anti-DPRK Sabotage Moves Disclosed”

Pyongyang, December 18 (KCNA) — The moves of the puppet plot-breeding group of south Korea to sabotage the DPRK have recently reached an extremely reckless and dangerous phase. A spokesman for the Ministry of State Security of the DPRK issued a statement Thursday in this regard.

Ahem:

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Posted: 20th, December 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment