Key Posts Category

Nicola McLean’s Optics Illusion To Timmy Mallett’s Little Kilroy-Silk

IN the I’m A Celebrity Jungle “our Nicola” McLean “has still got her boobs out”.

Only she hasn’t. Nicola’s boobs remain restrained in her top waiting for the moment when despair takes root in the celebrity camp and she can uncork out her nipples and dispense a hearty broth (left) and nip of gin (right) to one and all.

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Posted: 21st, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

GM Ford And Crysler Keep The American Dream Burning

THREE CEOs – Rick Wagoner of GM, Alan Mulally of Ford, and Robert Nardelli of Chrysler – are supporting the beleaguered trade in private jets by refusing to travel by anything else.

As ABC news reports:

THE CEOs of the big three automakers flew to the nation’s capital yesterday in private luxurious jets to make their case to Washington that the auto industry is running out of cash and needs $25 billion in taxpayer money to avoid bankruptcy. Even as their companies fail, Ford and GM CEOs continue lavish lifestyles.

Hats off to the trio for reminding the politicos wrestling with the economic crisis what it is Americans are fighting for. It’s the American dream, stoopid.

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Posted: 20th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (8)

Baseball For Jesus And Jews In Hell

ANORAK’S look at religion making news.

FROM the Rapture Ready site:

Just last night after baseball practice, my 11yr old son and I were driving home when someone almost pulled out in front of us. It could have been a bad accident. After I blew my horn and mumbled to myself about how ignorant some people could be, my 11yr old said “Oh well….we would have just gotten to Heaven a little sooner. You know how much I like baseball, Dad, but I am ready to go now.”

Strike one…

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (12)

Bush And Brown To Invest In Piracy, The World’s Growth Industry

PIRACY is booming. It’s the world’s growth industry.

Over the newswires, Anorak learns that a Hong Kong cargo ship has been attacked by pirates in the Gulf of Aden near the Yemen coast.

The good ship Delight is loaded with 36,000 tonnes of wheat.

Says one UN insider:

“They’ve got oil for heating and fuel, and now they’ve got wheat. If they can hijack a boat carrying the G20 leaders, they will have democracy.”

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Posted: 19th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7)

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, ‘If You Want To Be Technical About It’

NHS Doctor Admits To Terrorism, “If You Want to Be Technical About It”, by David Burge, Anorak Satire Correspondent

AN NHS DOCTOR accused of car bombings in London and Glasgow has admitted in court that he is a terrorist according to English law.

“Sure, I guess, if you insist on stereotyping anybody who blows up a few car bombs or drives a flaming Jeep into an airport as a quote-unquote ‘terrorist,'” said Bilal Abdulla, 29, sarcastically making air quote gestures with burnt stubby fingers as prosecutors read him the legal definition of terrorism.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (10)

A Cockatoo With Every Happy Meal

McDONALD’S is giving out a free endangered animal with every Happy Meal.

Hold on a moment, smiling animal killer, that whale is not for eating. Sure the gherkin fits neatly over it’s blow hole, and the fighting wallaby’s pouch serves as a decent pot for your curry sauce, but these animals are stuffed toys.

So, don’t worry kids. Keep eating that ground up cow and that mashed up and shaped chicken. Those animals are not endangered, nor are calves and baby chicks in the least bit cute.

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Posted: 18th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment

Iowahawk Says ‘Watcha Cocks’

‘ELLO “Mateys”!!!

Dave Burge here, from “across the pond” in the good ol’ “U.S. of A.,” where I am proud to be joining the new Anorak as a “writer.” Although I originally hail from Iowa — your former American colony famous for its delicious corn and pigs and methamphetamines — I currently reside in the “Windy City” of Chicago, home to Barack Obama and many other celebrity mobsters. In the U.S. I blog as “Iowahawk” but thanks to Anorak’s new lowered standards I will be dropping in occasionally to report the latest on politics and pop culture from this side of the Pacific.

When editor Paul Sorene invited me to join Anorak as a correspondent, he warned me that I may not always translate very good because “we are two countries separated by a common language.” After thinking about it for a minute, I’m like, “whoa dude, that don’t even make sense.” And then he’s all, “it’s a famous saying by George Bernard Shaw.” So I go, “hey scro, tell this George Bernard Whatever to put down his crackpipe, because ol’ Dave knows him a thing or two about talking to you Limey wankers.”

Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (49)

The Big O: Creating The Obama Generation

IN the article “Change You Can Conceive In” Newsweek’s Jessica Bennett seeks to discover what babies were conceived at the moment of Barack Obama’s election victory.

She’s looking for the Obama baby boomers.

Of course, Obama was only elected a few days ago, and what with gestation and all, pregnancies have yet to be bedded down. But no need to wait – her best line appears at the article’s start:

The theory is almost too perfect to be true. Barack Obama, the son of politically progressive parents, was born Aug. 4, 1961—almost nine months to the day after John F. Kennedy was elected to the White House. Is it possible Obama was conceived on that historic night?

Hey, honey, let’s try the political progressive position. It’s a bit like the missionary of old but we get to talk all the way through and by the end we have to have reached someone else’s front doorstep.

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

Alistair Darling Apologises For His Bad And Fraudulent Investments

ALISTAIR Darling writers a letter embargoed until June 2010:

Dear Northern Rock, Royal Bank of Scotland, HBOS and Lloyds TSB investor,

“The investments that you made in good faith never existed. The money was used in a futile attempt to recover losses incurred by me in the hope that I could repay everyone who invested.”

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment (1)

Jordan And Peter Andre’s Roll On Sex

FOR too long Peter Andre was unable to get close to his wife, the fragrant (tones of used adolescent tissue over base notes of horse-drawn caravan and strawberry mentos) Katie Price.

For many months pop acorn Peter nestled under Katie’s embonpoint, never seeing the sun and resorting to looking healthy with self-tanning gels that had no fear of streaking because in Pete’s world it never rained, just lightly perspired.

Then Katie went to Arm-ewika and deflated. Peter would now, finally, be able to get closer to the woman of his dreams.

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

George Osborne Creates Panic In Currency Markets: Update

GEORGE OSBORNE says sterling is to collapse.

– Keep talking Geroge – it’s working!

George Osborne is powerful man and the markets hang on his every word.

“Osborne defensive as markets brace for fall,” says the Guardian’s front-page headline.

“We are in danger, if the Government is not careful, of having a proper sterling collapse, a run on the pound,” he tells the Times…

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (3)

The Original Christmas Cross For A Whiter Jesus

ARE you looking for “an effective way to express your Christian faith this Christmas season to honor our Lord Jesus?”

You are. Happy say!

“Now you can…. with the ‘Original Christmas Cross’ yard decoration”, brogught to you by the American Family Association

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2)

Baby P: Socialist Liberal Conservatives To Blame And Sterilising The Guilty

BABY P Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Baby P in the news


When a tortured and murdered baby isn’t shaming enough…


Says she: “They didn’t want to know.”

The last photo of blond, blue-eyed Baby P — taken days before he was found dead in his blood-spattered cot


On page 5, the Sun produces a petition. It’s already been written: “All blonde children with blue-eyes should be saved first and…” Or:

“I believe that ALL the social workers involved in the case of baby P, including Sharon Shoesmith, Maria Ward, Sylvia Henry and Gillie Christou should be sacked and never allowed to work with vulnerable children again”.

Meanwhile, Baby P’s mother is free to have more children, and so too his step-dad and lodger Jason Owen. Discuss…

“…I also demand that the doctor involved with Baby P, Sabah Al Zayyat, should lose her job and not be allowed to treat the public again.”

Says the grandmother: “I blame myself.” Can she be banned from being a grandma?

But one local has produced her own petition. Stephanie Biber has plastered a poster to the windows of the Hornsey and Wood Green Labour Party headquarters. The legend runs:

“Sharon Shoesmith you have blood on your hands. Council tax payers of Haringey refuse to pay council tax until Sharon Shoesmith is sacked.”

Says Ed Balls, the swivel-eyed Education Secretary:

“People are asking how these despicable acts of evil can happen in this day and age and in Haringey of all places.”

Yeah, the bucolic splendour of one of the most impoverished, dirty, depressing places in the entire country. If there, then anywhere…

TREVOR KAVANAGH: “Leftie Mafia close ranks over Baby P”

P is for Politics…

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Posted: 17th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)

Africa’s First Family: Obama Wins New York World Series

THE euphoria over the election of Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America may have died down, but there remains a feeling – on the street, in people’s homes, in cafes and bars – that this momentous event is still percolating through society and will continue to do so for months, probably years, to come.

I live in a predominantly black neighborhood in Brooklyn, on the border of Crown Heights, where a race riot erupted in 1991, and Prospect Heights, a small, rapidly-gentrifying area where just a couple of generations ago few whites would consider living.

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Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts | Comments (2)

Madeleine McCann: Selling Amaral’s Opinion As Faction

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE INDEPENDENT: “Detective set to publish McCann book in Britain”

Portuguese officer who led the search for Madeleine says his account defends the honour of his team

It’s Goncalo Amaral…

Speaking exclusively to The Independent on Sunday, Goncalo Amaral denied cashing in on the tragic disappearance of the three-year-old but said he was determined to restore his reputation, which “had been torn to shreds” by unfair and inaccurate media reports.

Not cashing in by writing a book that is then placed on sale for a fee. Why not just publish his thought on a website, and distribute it for free?

The book, Maddie: The Truth about the Lie, has already sold an estimated 180,000 copies in Europe, and Mr Amaral’s representatives are trying find a British publisher.

Anyone brave enough to publish it?

Says Amaral:

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (395)

The Columnists Do Baby P: Death, Middle Class Evil And Porn

BABY P Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Baby P in the news…

A child is killed. The child is blonde. The papers have their new cause to shock and sicken…


CAROLE MALONE (Sunday Mirror): “Baby P: They’re ALL guilty”

They. Guilty. Of what crime?

I HAD to force myself to read it. And every sickening, gut-wrenching detail made me want to hunt down the monsters who’d hurt Baby P—or allowed him to be hurt—and hurt THEM.

There’s a Facebook club you can join, Carole…

Never in all my years in this job have I read an account of child cruelty like this one.

Never. Not Jamie Bulger; not Bradely & Hindley; not the case files of paediatricians specialising in child protection?

The Wave Trust charity recently produced a grim list of the most disturbing cases that have followed over the intervening 35 years. Jasmine Lorrington, battered to death at the age of four in 1984; 20-month-old Martin Nicoll, who died of 68 injuries in 1991; Lauren Wright, 6, starved and beaten to death in 2000; two-year-old Ainlee Labonte, ditto, in January 2002; and 21 month old John Gray, who died as a result of 200 injuries, including a ruptured liver, in 2003.

Is Carole looking for a researcher?

I kept seeing them punching him, smacking his head, knocking his teeth down his throat. I kept thinking at what point did his spine snap? How agonising was it? How often did they hurt him? Did this little mite ever feel one moment’s love or happiness?


In my mind’s eye I saw them making him beg like a dog, spinning him round in that chair till he fell off. I imagined his eyes wide with terror, thinking: “No, please, not again.”

Enough! Make it stop…. Maaaaaake it stop, please….

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (6)

Your Thoughts On And Ideas For The New Anorak

SPEAKING from Bangkok, where he is taking the ladies’ ping-pong team through their winter training camp, Old Mr Anorak welcomes you to the new Anorak – which will arrive sometime today.

Answering the brief to give OMA’s estranged great-nephew Rupert ‘Are we there yet?’ Murdoch a bloody good thrashing, Anorak will shine a light on the world’s media and study the words of the great and good.

All this for a full 20p less than the Daily Star, 30p less then the Sun, 50p less then the Mail and 40p less than the Express.

Yours in anticipation,


Image: Old Mr Anorak at the launch…

Posted: 16th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (145)

Obama Takes A Room At Bin Laden’s Ministry Of Peace

NOW Obama is our president elect, the rosy-fingered dawn of a new era in world affairs is upon us.

The world is changed forever. Now a goat farmer in Kenya can say that he can be whatever he wants. An Hawaiian can be King. A small child whose name ends in vowel can have hope. A half-white man can be cheered by Black Panthers.

And now it comes to pass that Obama can be at all places at all times. Thanks to the internets, Obama can truly be the world president.

As the Huffington Post reports:

President-elect Obama’s office gave the media a new way to present him as Franklin Roosevelt 2.0 by announcing Friday that it will be posting weekly addresses – fireside chats for the web generation – on YouTube.

A weekly address for the world as part of the “digital, transparent presidency”. How we will sit glued to the screen as Obama speak unto us.

Only one other leader has harnessed the power of the web in such a fashion, and he lives in a cave in Afghanistan.

Posted: 15th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (3)

Baby P Is For Baby Porn

BABY P is dead. Baby P was murdered by sadists. The 17-month-old was tortured to death by his mother and two men.

Baby P was first introduced to us in the form of a virtual reality 4-D model. The wounds were smears of red and purple.

Jurors saw the wounds. Then readers saw the wounds. Then Baby P was shown with his face blurred out. But this was not enough.

Now Baby P is on the cover of the Times. You can see his face. You can see his face on the cover of the Daily Star, the Daily Mirror, The Guardian, The Sun and The Independent.

The Mail goes one better. It has “TWO FACES OF BABY P” on its cover.

To the left, readers see the same blond child as on the other papers.

“He reaches out towards an unseen figure behind the camera, and the start of a smile lifts his chubby cheeks, exposing his first baby teeth.” Note his “bright blue eyes and white-blond hair”.

Yeah, blonde.

To the right, the image shows Baby P’s faced “smeared with chocolate to cover the wounds that would kill him”.

Deborah Orr has already seen enough:

As a person with conventional views about how to bring up children, I’d consider a mother who had no shame in presenting her small child to authorities covered in chocolate (as the mother of Baby P did, to hide his wounds) to be neglectful enough. I don’t hold with giving chocolate to babies. I don’t hold with carting them about with food or anything else smeared all over their faces.

But we want to see more of “his beautiful blue eyes and angelic face” that “would melt the hearts of most who met him”.

We want the adrenaline rush of horror. Sky shows its readers “Baby P Death Videos”.

Go, on take a look, if you dare to. You need to know what’s going on.

Posted: 15th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (37)

Madeleine McCann: Metodo 3, Using The Media And Allegations

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

A reader in Portugal writes to Anorak of the Madeleine McCann case. There are no suspects. We do not know what crime, if any, has been committed. The parents are innocent. Robert Murat is innocent.

Now read on…

“Maddie: private detectives received aid from a “mole” inside the PJ – SOS Maddie.”

Spanish private detective reveals how the McCanns gained access to confidential police information within the Maddie case

Can this be true? Duarte Levy writes:

According to one of the private detectives that were hired by Metodo 3 within their contract with Kate and Gerry McCann, an inspector from the Polícia Judiciária transmitted confidential information regarding the movements of the Portuguese investigators and of their British colleagues within the inquiry into Maddie’s disappearance to the Spanish agency.

So leaks from the Portuguese police might not have been all bad?

The information that was thus obtained has allowed for the private detectives to inform the McCann couple and their entourage about the diligences that were prepared by the Portuguese investigators:

“Several initiatives by Amaral’s men failed due to the information that was given away by their colleague… but there was also information coming from informants that were connected to the British embassy”, the detective states.

“That was information that allowed us to know in advance what inspector Amaral and his colleagues intended to do”, the private detective further states during an interview that was recently recorded in Spain, stressing that “the inquiry would probably have had a different outcome without the intervention of the private detectives, but equally without that of certain British professionals.”

Posted: 15th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (490)

Prince William Rescues Asian Family While Diana Looks On

HOME from a night out in the London, in the company of Prince William.

Having missed the night bus, been robbed and sexually assaulted by a minicab driver, and ignored by the Cabbie, Wills is making do with a limousine.

Wills gazes from the window. He breathes on the glass and writes with a strident digit: “Wills Luvs Katie.”

He breathes again: “Wills 4 Kate.”

He sighs. He can have any woman in the world (including some family members) and he has Katie Middle-class. “Lucky me,” he thinks. “Luckeee luckeeee, luckeeeeee, luckeeeeeeeee, luckeeeeee me.”

What ho? Wills sees a Peugeot crushed by accident. He orders the car to stop.

Posted: 14th, November 2008 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Shannon Matthews: Crazy Pigs, 1988 And Bum’s The Word

SHANNON Matthews: Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews and Karen Matthews

To Leeds Crown Court…


Indeed, the police have ringtones. One has a whistle that makes the sound of a duck, another has a truncheon shaped like drumstick by which he can pound the beat, literally!

Says one officer:

“I thought, ‘We’ve just found your daughter and you’re more concerned about the ringtone’”

Says another officer:

Ring ding ding ding ding
A Ring Ding Ding Dingdemgdemg
A ring ding ding ding ding
a Bram ba am baba weeeeeee


Natalie Brown is in the witness box. Says she:

“One woman said about him having a cute bum. Karen said she wouldn’t mind taking him upstairs. She was having a giggle thinking it was funny. Acting like a little child.”

Maybe the wrong child went missing?

“One minute she would be laughing and be happy and joking but when the news came on TV she would be very quiet.”

We’re on the telly!

Natalie claimed she told Matthews off on one occasion when she said to her youngest daughter “Look Shannon’s on TV she’s famous.”

Is Karen Matthews a celebrity? Is Shannon? How much is her story worth?

THE SUN (front page): “Shannon mother’s ‘silence’ at rescue”

Says neighbour Natalie Brown:

“I never saw any real tears. Her eyes would well up and that was it.”

Pages 8 and 9: “THE RING OF TRUTH – Phone quip as Shannon found”

DC Alex Gummit has a phone that when called plays Crazy by Gnarls Barkley. Says Karen Matthews, allegedly: “You must Bluetooth it to me or text me.” Or call and we’ll do cans…

The Sun goes on to talk about the £50,000 reward for finding Shannon. The piece is erroneously called “SUN’S £50,000.” The reward was indeed for that sum but the Sun did not put it all up. The money was raised by well wishers. For such reasons, readers who find Madeleine McCann should beware of claiming Anorak’s £3.2million, as advertised here.

Matthews, 33 — who is jointly accused of staging the nine-year-old’s disappearance to claim a £50,000 reward from The Sun — left officers deeply suspicious because of her reaction.

Or not…

Posted: 14th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Bansturbation In Australia: Banning The Internet

IN AUSTRALIA the new mandatory net filter is being readied to block 10,000 websites that deal in “unwanted content”.

How is it unwanted? We know not, only that it is.

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Kos We’re Conservatives, Tories For Obama

MICHAEL Gove, the Wind In The Willows’ extra who went it alone, is the Conservative Party’s schools spokesman.

Gove is using his Telegraph column to consider all things Obama. Gove salutes the Daily Kos, “a place of very articulate, widely dispersed and highly motivated activists”.

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Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)

Shannon Matthews: No Noose Is Good Noose

SHANNON MATTHEWS: The trial of Karen Matthews and Paul Donovan…


There is a stench of sexual perversion in the Sun’s headline. But sex was not the alleged motive in the “kidnap” of Shannon Matthews, money was.

It is alleged that mum Karen and “loner” Donovan wanted the £50,000 reward, in part out up by the Sun.

QC Julian Goose, prosecuting, says “that while Shannon was physically unharmed, Donovan had kept ‘ruled control’ over her when he left the flat to go shopping.”

The rules were:

You must not make any noise or bang your feet
You must not go near the windows
You must not get anything or do anything without me
Keep the TV volume low, only up to eight or less
You can play Super Mario and you can play some DVDS and some CDs

Those who read the Sun may wonder if Shannon was cared for while she was away from her dear old mum and Craig Meehan?

Reader may wonder if the Sun is not a little disappointed that the case does not feature sexual depravity. And what with Shannon in her kinky school uniform, and all…

DAILY MAIL (front page): “’WICKED’”


No, not the words of a million Mail readers, rather those said to have been uttered by Shannon Matthews

Donovan says he was threatened by Karen Matthews. Karen Matthews says she was threatened by Craig Meehan, Donovan’s nephew. Daily Mail readers say they feel threatened by just about everything and wonder if either party was wearing a hood…


Donovan tells police:

“She asked me to take care of Shannon. She told me there would be money in it for me.”

Well 24 days at £3.50 an hour babysitting adds up…

“She said I was to keep Shannon and look after her and she would report her missing. I was to keep her at my place. I wasn’t happy about that and she threatened to get three lads on to me. I knew one of the lads had stabbed someone and killed him. I was frightened so I said I would do it. She said if I told anyone I would be dead.”


“Excited Shannon Matthews jumped into her step-uncle’s car looking forward to a visit to a fair but it was the start of a 24-day ordeal…”

The Mirror paints the scene of a case that though genuinely shocking it considers to be lacking in emotion. Donovan’s state of mind at the time is not given, but we imagine that he was pretty excited, too…

In the flat:

“A white elastic noose found hanging from a roof beam was long enough so she cold get to the toilet but not the front door.”

Shannon was kept restrained while Donovan went to buy lottery tickets, just in case the alleged plot did not work out and he needed some money to facilitate an escape…


The noose suggests torture. Was it worn about the neck? Duuno. We’re not told. But the noose soon becomes a “leash”, by which, it is alleged, Donovan kept Shannon from wandering away while he popped out.

Shannon was also said to have been fed Temazepam.

The case continues, although given the reporting, it seems all decisions have been reached…

Posted: 13th, November 2008 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)