TIME Magazine has produced a cover that makes us wonder who would want to read the thing in public? Maybe you should avoid shame by hiding it between the covers of an old Gary Glitter LP?
We’ve asked around, and we can assure you that the cover is fine. There is nothing to report. The woman in the image is not on any police registers; the midget is in no harm; and we are assured by unsubstantiated rumour that the pair have been on a few dates…
WHEN Lizzy Grant failed to make it pop, her managers, stylists and money men recreated her as internet sensation Lana Del Rey. And Lana Del Ray is a big star. The stage persona works. And then she sang on Saturday Night Live. And it was like Lizzy Grant had never gone away. She sang. And she danced. Well, less danced than swayed like a lazy eye. And one bight spark set about creating a chronicle of her dance moves. The best are here. And they are brilliant:
IS Lionel Messi racist? No. He isn’t. He plays football with black players. He does not differentiate between black and white opponents when skipping past them to score for Barcelona. He passes to anyone and everyone in his team. He shakes hands with black and white players. On the hand, arguing for the prosecution, is Dutch footballer Royston Drenthe, a former Real Madrid player now on loan at Everton who says Messi called him a “negro”:
“I played many times against Messi and we always had problems with one another. You know what bothers me so much? That tone with which he always says, ‘negro, negro’. I understand that ‘negro’ is commonly used in South America. But we can’t stand it.”
You might suppose this were a trivial matter, one between the two players. But in the cauldron of anti-racism, where the champions of zero-tolerance seek out racism, the single allegation is front-page news in the Sun, Britain’s biggest-selling paper.
DID you about those godless Chinese grinding up the bones and flesh of dead babies and turning the desiccated human cement into mouth-sized capsules to be taken after meals? South Korean customs officials say they impounded thousands of capsules filled with the powdered meat of human babies. The drugs were said to be produced in northeastern China (yeah, not far from the border with South Korea’s dread enemy North Korea).
The South Koreans say that the 17,450 capsules were being used as stamina boosters and cures for a range of diseases. But, oddly, no-one has been arrested for what sound like a heinous product. And the customs officials who found the horrible stuff want to remain anonymous.
RIP Vidal Sassoon, the world’s most famous hairdresser. He was 84. He was, was he not, head and shoulder above all other hairdressers. As the man who was worth a few bob told it:
“When I first came into hair, women were coming in and you’d place a hat on their hair and you’d dress their hair around it.”
Bald men can dream that such a style will one in vogue for both sexes…
“We learned to put discipline in the haircuts by using actual geometry, actual architectural shapes and bone structure. The cut had to be perfect and layered beautifully, so that when a woman shook it, it just fell back in.”
FANS of The Beatles hated All This And World War ll, a film that mashed up actual 1940s World War 2 footage with Hollywood actors pretending to fight in war films and set it to people singing songs by the Fab Four. This 1976 flick was not the work not of a Japanese fan in his mum’s basement but the mighty 20th Century Fox.
So, which song and signer went with what footage? You might enjoy the bit where the German charge into Poland as Ambrosia sings “Roll up for the mystery tour”. Peter Gabriel’s belt out “Strawberry Fields Forever” – “living is easy with eyes closed” – as Neville Chamberlain shows off his worthless peace treaty. Tina Turner covers “Come Together” – “choo choo eyeballs” – is the Japanese march up and down. Gawd, those Beatles were significant.
BRING back Top of The Pops. And bring back those Tops of The Pops albums, the discs that featured all the top sounds dressed in a sexually provocative woman.
The Top of The Pops albums began life in 1968. Alan Crawford approached Pickwick Records with his idea for an album of 12 hot songs played by session musicians and people who sounded like the stars. The idea was to pump out a disc every 6 to eight weeks. If listening to the hottest sounds priced at a discount on your home stereo was not enough, consumers were further seduced by the cover art, which always featured a studio portrait of an up-and-coming model. The “Best Of” the year albums featured a model on a poster and calendar.
Pickwick’s MD Monty Lewis told the art team to create a cover that “could be seen from the other side of Victoria Station”. It was simple and effective marketing, aided by the fact that the BBC had not protected its brand – Pickwick could legally call its albums Top of The Pops.
TO Cambridge University’s Caesarian Sunday larks to see student behaving like students on the city’s Jesus Green.
The Telegraph is aghast, telling its readers of “stripping, vomiting, and drinking”. In one episode that a less serious paper might call “chilling”, “revellers vomited just metres away from where young children played”. Metres! The Telegraph readers are outraged. Yards! It’s yards!!
The young children are epitomised by the only child cited, the one belongong to a Tracy Burton, 31, from Cambridge, who says:
“It totally ruined our afternoon and my four-year-old now says he doesn’t want to go back to the park.”
SCIENCE you can’t argue with: news is that taking rides on rollercoaster – such as the new Swarm ride at Thorpe Park in Surrey!!! – produces “astonishing” health benefits. Wow!
The Press Association reports that neuropsychologist Dr David Lewis has made an amazing discovery. He tells us:
“While the immediate euphoric buzz generated by the flood of feelgood chemicals released into the rider’s brain and body seem likely to fade fairly rapidly, more subtle effects may well exert their influence for far longer.”
You might feel thrilled for longer. You can’t argue with the doctor. It’s just facts!
WITH Madeleine McCann high on the news cycle, the people at Voucher Digg are using the missing child’s image to showcase their latest offer: holidays at lowcostholidays.com. VoucherDigg.co.uk, we are told is “the UK’s leading independent discount deal and voucher codes & vouchers travel website”. The caption beneath Madeleine McCann reads “Best Value”. One theory is that the child was kidnapped and then sold.
Can it be that its owners are the only people in the country who don’t know that Madeleine McCann is missing, and that she went missing on holiday..?
THE ten hottest women currently doing time in US prisons are…busy tonight. But when they get out they will be looking for love. Ranker brings us the finest filly felons from Meet-an-inmate.com. Top of the bunks is, allegedly, Renee Bell, 33, who tells us that her man: “Must be willing to commit eventually. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Postage is hard to come by in prison, if possible send stamps.”
If you do not commit, fail to commit of look like you will not commit, remember that Renee Bell, reportedly, has done time. She adds: “I got involved with the wrong guy at a young age and I am paying the price, now I want to find the right guy.” And the wrong guy might want to find you, to make sure you’re looking after Renee…
YOU want to make love to the camera but the camera has made other plans. Take care, glamour models, with bad lighting and a misplaced pot plant, this could be you in our gallery of Awkward Glamour Photos:
WHEN you’re not shagging, you’re not pregnant and you’re not under arrest, the celebrity becomes newsworthy by way of a tattoo. And that’s what the tabloids are saying Cheryl Cole has, a new tattoo that begins somewhere under her knickers and runs down the back of her thigh.
THE triangle is the strongest of all the shapes, so it was fitting that hip hop powerhouse The Beastie Boys were three sides strong. However, the trio… nay, the whole world of rap… is weakened by the sudden loss of Beasties co-founder MCA, aka Adam Yauch.
One third of the team behind hip hop masterpieces like Ill Communication, Paul’s Boutique and Check Your Head, Yauch was a charismatic, smart and supremely talented member of one of the most important groups of musicians of any genre.
It only seems like yesterday that he was saying “I’ve got more rhymes than I’ve got grey hairs” yet now, the world discovers that Yauch has been taken, aged only 47 years old, by that bastard cancer. He’d been in treatment since 2009, but so superhuman and comic book hero were the Beasties, it always seemed like he’d pull through somehow.
WHAT’S going on here? Karen spots a video of a woman from Essex being arrested for allegedly breaking the speed limit. What follows is odd, worrying, priceless and could pass for a parody. Using the name halloweenpropsuk, she has posted this video of her lament.
IN New Jersey, USA, Patricia Krentril has been arrested for taking her 5-year-old daughter to a tanning salon and sneaking her into a stand-up booth. The child is said to have suffered burns.
In New Jersey bans anyone under 14 is forbidden to us a tanning booth
They might think about extending the law. But these photos of Patricia Krentril should deter the impressionable go labour under the idea that a fake tan makes you look radiant, healthy and above all affluent, as if just returned from a winter cruise. It doesn’t It maks you look like Patrica Krentril. And you still look like her in the dark…
AND it came to pass that as Barack Obama vied to be a two-term President the world met his first lover, Genevieve Cook. They met in December 1983. They split in May 1985.
David Maraniss has revealed the love affair in his book Barack Obama: The Story.
We’ve picked out the sections that reveals how Obama pulls and how to pull Obama. Obama met Cook met at a Christmas party in New York’s East Village in December 1983. He was 22. She was 25. Here is that four-point plan:
1. He chats briefly with Cook in the kitchen. She has smokes and booze.
“Hours later, after midnight, she was about to leave when Barack Obama approached and asked her to wait. They plopped down on an orange beanbag chair at the end of the hall, and this time the conversation clicked.”
TULISA Contostavlos is the world’s sexiest woman according to readers of FHM magazine, who may have voted before Samantha Brick appeared on the radar. Over the course of this year, Tulisa has been the subject of frenzied rumours and details about her sex life, culminating in a leaked sex tape. With her name high on the news cycle, Tulisa is voted in as the world’s top fantasy shag. It’s a PR masterclass.
Happy with the result, Tulisa then speaks with FHM about being caught with buzzing vibrator at the airport, and then tweeting about it. What are the odds, eh?
“Let’s clear it up… I own a Rabbit. Same as probably 50 per cent of the country. I’m human, and yes I own a Rabbit. I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s better than me tweeting about going off and seeing guys. At least you know that I know how to keep myself entertained, so I don’t need any man to do it for me!
“It’s hilarious the way people are like, ‘Oh my God, she has a Rabbit, oh my God, she’s such a slut.’ Well, not really, because if I have a Rabbit, it means that I’m using the Rabbit, rather than going out and seeing guys. So realistically, it kind of makes me, to a certain extent, more respectable!”
MADELEINE McCann: Gerry and Kate McCann have been on ITNNews, Sky News and what 72-year-old Antonio Castela saw…
Says Mr McCann:
“We believe there is new information, but there is also a need to identify links between some of the old information. The investigation needs to be reopened.”
The Metropolitan Police have access to all the files on the case so far. Isn’t it up to them and the Portuguese to re-open the case based on facts? Also, what good does re-opening the case do if there are no new facts? The British police are not even half-way through their review.What instruction would the Portuguese investigators be given? Where would they start?
JESSICA Simpson now has a little Maxwell Drew Johnson drinking her sexual napalm and being measured for his first veneers. Simpson tells the world:
“Eric [Johnson] and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby Maxwell Drew Johnson 9 lbs. 13 oz. 21 3/4. We are so grateful for all of the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!”
The next greatest experience of our lives will be seeing baby Maxwell Drew Johnson in showbiz mags as mum bangs on about her miracle birth and looming miracle weight loss.
COLIN Myler is in the news. The last editor of the News of the World is now woking in New York as the editor of the New Daily News. ITN caught up with him in the Big Apple. The Culture, Media and Sport Committee’s found that the Myler misled MPs during their investigation into phone hacking. He was not alone. The MPs say Les Hinton, the former News International chairman, and Tom Crone, the paper’s former legal manager, also misled them.
The MPs said the buck should stop with Rebekah Brooks for the “grotesque” behaviour in hacking into missing teenager Milly Dowler’s phone. The MPs on the Culture Committee also ruled – and get this – that Rupert Murdoch is “not a fit person” to run a major international company. That would be his own multi-billion dollar company, the one Rupert Murdoch created and grew. So say the MPs who have never run anything.
There are clearly a few worthy news people to interview. But it’s far easier to get to Myler, given that he remains a news man in the world’s most bustling city – and Brooks is behind a big wall and surrogate’s bump in Oxfordshire.
CANNABIS farms are big news. Sadly, the stuff remains illegal even to ill people it could help. TV home makeover shows looking to stay relevant in a recession will not feature the Marijuana Mezzanine.
But weed is being grown in homes. And we should be worried. Former policeman Phil Butler says cannabis farmers are stealing around £200m worth of electricity across the UK every year.
The Association of Chief Police Officer says police uncover more than 21 cannabis farms every day. Since, 2010, the coppers have seized 1.1 million plants. They estimate the crops’ value at £207m. Maybe the stuff could be sold as medical marijuana and the money used to pay for the criminals’ court cases and incarceration? Or they could just burn it, or give it away.
The police figures tells us that at least 15,330 cannabis farms have been in the past two years. That means each farm, on average, holds about 72 plants. But some farms are much larger. In 2010, one farm uncovered in Essex housed 8,000 plants.
NATALIE Esack was murdered in her Esack Hair & Beauty salon on the High Street in Ashford, Kent. Her estranged husband, Ivan Escak, has been arrested on suspicion of killing her. He used to be a policeman. Now he works, says the Daily Mail, as a “football agent”.
A neighbour arrives to say that he was always a wrong un, had shifty eyes and they knew something terrible was about to happen. No, not really. The unnamed source tells the Mail that Mr Esack is “outgoing” and has ambitions to become a local councillor, and together the Esacks were “pleasant”. A former collage of Mrs Esack’s says she was “bubbly”, and given the circumstances of her violent death, bizarrely adds: “You will not find a single person with a negative thing to say about her.”