RICK Santorum is overcoming his anal issues by adding a silent P to his first name. Rick says that abortion should be illegal under all circumstances – even if his raped wife needed one to dave her life., Rick is all about compassion…
GREG Smith is resigning today as a Goldman Sachs executive director and head of the firm’s United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa. Others soon to pen their resignation letters from organisations bent on world domination and a win-at-all-costs mentality:
Rupert Murdoch from News Corp Ayman_al-Zawahiri from al-Qaeda Samir Nasri from Manchester City Tony Blair from Heaven Phil Mitchell from The Arches
KERRY Katona says her fellow former celebrity mum of the year Stacey Solomon did nothing wrong in smoking throughout her pregnancy because:
“Let’s be honest, Stacey’s smoking Silk Cut – it’s not even a real cigarette.”
It’s a fake ciggie, a toy, if you will.
This is Katona who slurred her words on ITV’s This Morning, made bipolarism the go-ahead celebrity mental illness, lost her job advertising Iceland’s frozen squirrel Boozy Brownies for taking cocaine, was filmed apparently takin cocaine in her en-suite bathroom, was held up in armed robbery at her home, shagged behind a Tesco (allegedly) and featured in the telly show Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love in which she and now ex-husband Number 2 appeared dressed in a straight jacket.
RAQUEL Welch has been speaking with Men’s Healthmagazine – magzaine obsessed with sex. Welch is number #2 in Men’s Health’s Hottest 100 Women of All Time list, beaten by Hilary Clinton. No, it was Jennifer Aniston, which is only slightly less incredible. Conversation turns to sex and the lack of the erotic mystery:
“I think this era of porn is at least partially responsible for it. Where is the anticipation and the personalization? It’s all pre-fab now. You have these images coming at you unannounced and unsolicited. It just gets to be so plastic and phony to me. Maybe men respond to that. But is it really better than an experience with a real life girl that he cares about? It’s an exploitation of the poor male’s libidos. Poor babies, they can’t control themselves… I just imagine them sitting in front of their computers, completely annihilated. They haven’t done anything, they don’t have a job, they barely have ambition anymore. And it makes for laziness and a not very good sex partner. Do they know how to negotiate something that isn’t pre-fab and injected directly into their brain?”
HAPPY birthday to you. Happy birthday dear [insert pet name here - we go with Hauser], happy birthday to you-uuuuu. Then three cheers. Bumps. Pin the tail on the donkey. If it’s your donkey’s birthday, use a cat. A pinata shaped like Lassie (it’s what she would have wanted) and then the cake…
TRAMPS. They’ve got an awful life. When the weather’s bad, they feel it most. The die in doorways and have septic extremities. And to think, they’ve got the paucity to actually ask you for money while you’re throwing a sandwich in the bin because it was a ‘bit dry’.
Either way, vagrants are being put to good use as a New York ad agency has decided to turn them into walking WiFi aerials.
Bartle, Bogle and Hegarty (BBH) handed out free MiFi gadgets to the panhandlers along with t-shirts sporting their names alongside the words “I’m a 4G hotspot”. The hobos will be bothering people with their excellent connective properties at hipsterfest, SXSW.
DANNY Gold is the American who understands how the Daily Mail online works. The Mail is the world’s most-read online news site.
In: “I Am The New Sheriff Of The Internet And I Say The Daily Mail Can Go Fuck Itself”, Danny Gold tells Gawker readers about the David Carr’s column in the New York Times on Ad Age columnist Simon Dumenco ideaeto create a “Council on Ethical Blogging and Aggregation“.
WHITNEY Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina has met with Oprah Winfrey in the kitchen, for obvious reasons. (Milking human suffering is hungry work.)
Says Bobbi Kristina:
“Throughout the house lights turn on and off, and I’m like, ‘Mum, what are you doing?’ I can still laugh with her and still talk to her. I can hear her voice telling me, ‘Keep moving, baby, I got you.’ She’s always with me. I can always feel her with me. She would say at 5am the saints start praying. I wake up now and look at the clock and it’s five o’clock. I start praying. Her spirit is strong. I feel her pass through me all the time.”
Stitch that, Graceland! Does Elvis sing to the tourists as they pass though his mansion? Does he put on light show? No and no.
REBEKAH Brooks has been arrested in den of knobs Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire, reports Sky News. Also arrested is her husband Charlie Brooks, David Cameron’s pal.
David Cameron is out of the country at the moment. Which is convenient.
In all six people have been arrested this morning by officers from Operation Weeting. They are suspected of conspiring to pervert the course of justice.
Of course, Rebekah Brooks has already been arrested, In July 2011, Brooks was arrested in July on suspicion of conspiring to intercept communications and on suspicion of corruption. Back then her lawyer told media:
Her lawyer Stephen Parkinson said: ‘Despite interviewing her for nine hours, the police put no allegations to her. They will in due course have to give an account of their actions.’
ISRAEL is back at the top of the news cycle. Islamists have been firing rockets into Southern Israel. Israeli war planes have attacked Gaza. Adham Abu Selmiya, a spokesman for Hamas emergency services, says “mostly children” have been injured or killed. Israel says this is not so.
An Israeli spokeswoman says the country’s forces “targeted a weapons storage facility and four rocket launching sites in the northern Gaza Strip, as well as a rocket launching site in the southern Gaza Strip”.
Israel says Zuhir al-Qaisi, head of the Popular Resistance Committees, an armed group linked to Hamas, was set to order an attack. In the Israeli offence / response to PRC rockets, 18 Palestinians were killed, 16 of them militants. The Islamists fired 120 rockets into Israel, injuring four.
One side has bunkers. One does not.
The war is ongoing. But what of the media? Can they play a part. Do we treat the news that “mostly children” are injured with caution? Do we know for certain an attack on Israel was planned? Do we belive all we see? Take this in the Times:
MOURITZ Botha (born in South Africa)was in the England team that beat France in Paris. So too was Manu Tuilagi – he was born in Somoa. Neither of them have been called Plastic Brits by the Daily Mail.
As the Mail says:
Manu Tuilagi set England on their way to a storming victory here yesterday that may confirm Stuart Lancaster in the head coach’s job. The 20-year-old centre scored a sensational long-range try in the 13th minute to ignite a performance that the interim coach claimed has ‘put the pride back’ in the nation’s rugby after the disastrous World Cup.
WHEN teacher Stacie Halas was placed on administrative leave by her employers at the Oxnard School District, California, for allegedly being porn star /actress Tiffany Six, we gave it the sideways eyes. We’ve been here before. The throbbing US porn industry is bound to toss up former employees who go on to earn a crust in another field.
Here’s a quick look at other educators who learned the hard way that porn leaves an indelible stain on your resume:
THE London Olympics of 1908 ran from 27 April to 31 October and featured 22 countries. Rome was meant to host the Fourth Olympiad but Italy did not have the money to pay for it. So, the Games were moved. Great Britain did well, winning 56 gold medals at the White City stadium in west London. Henry Taylor was the hero, winning three swimming golds.
But glory was tempered by cheating.
GB won 146 medals in total. Seven players entered the rackets contest: all British.
All officials came from the host nation. This led to lots of complaints of bias from the Americans. There was, for instance, the time test cricketer Johnny Douglas won gold in the middleweight boxing division. The fight against an American had split the judges. The ref’s decision would be decisive. The ref was Douglas’s dad. Douglas wins!
British athlete Wyndham Halswelle won gold in the 400m when the American who crossed the line first was disqualified for blocking. The race was re-run. The Americans refused to take part. Halswelle was the only runner. Halswelle wins!
Daily Star(front page): “MADDIE – Shock as cops reopen case”
A shock because it is not true.
Only, the Portuguese police have not re-opened the case. As we reported yesterday,
It is understood that the team from Portugal’s investigative Policia Judiciaria (PJ), headed by senior officer Helena Monteiro, has been looking at the Madeleine case for some weeks now.
A team of detectives based in Oporto in northern Portugal has been appointed to re-examine the original investigation into the little girl’s disappearance from the Algarve in 2007, the Portuguese newspaper Jornal de Noticias reported.
ONCE upon a time, football mascots were men like Ken Baily, who dressed as John Bull, helped restore Erica Roe’s modesty after her Twickenham streak, and followed the Queen and the England and Bournemouth football teams across the world. Subbuteo even honoured him with his own model.
TIFFANY Porter is the Daily Mail’s “Plastic Brit“. She’s the captain of Team GB at the World Indoor Championships in Turkey.
The Mail says she’s “plastic” because she was born and raised in Michigan. Tiffany Porter represented the United States as a junior. And now she represents Britain because her mother was born in London (her father is Nigerian).
This is a great country, where we welcome talent. But the Daily Mail does not share those values. Its reporter asks Porter to recite the opening liese to God Save The Queen, you know, like the Scots and Welsh don’t do at international sporting events. She can’t or won’t. She should, of course, have asked the reporter to sing the second verse. It’s that ability that marks you as an authentic Briton.
KATE Middleton places a hand on her tum-tum and waves to the crowd. To her side OK! delivers the headline is bold yellow ink:
“A ROYAL BABY”
Can it be that Kate is pregnant? Kate is touching her stomach in the way pregnant women do in the tabloids. And that headline does crete the impression that Middleton is up the duff. Only the smaller print informs us:
GEMMA McCluskie appeared in 34 episodes os EastEnders between 2000 and 2001. She’s dead. Well, so police believe. A body has been dragged form the Regent’s Canal in Hackney, London. It has no head. It has no limbs.
Miss McCluskie’s brother Tony has been arrested. He had been living in Bethnal Green, east London, with his sister.
That’s all we know. Police have released no more facts.
It’s a grim tale. A woman appears to have been murdered and dismembered. We know what the order of her ordeal. But the media see a dead star.
Daily Star(front page): “EastEnders murder girl in noisy row”
EastEnders… Noisy row… The Star seems to be blurring fact with fiction. What is EastEnders but a series of noisy rows?
Channel 5 Celebrity Big Brother star Natalie [Cassidy] said: “She’s a lovely girl.”
The Daily Star is owned by Richard Desmond, who also owns Big Brother on Channel 5. Best not to let the BBC and EastEnders get all the free plugs, eh?
The Sun: “Murdered Gemma McCluskie was ‘in fear of a man’ - EastEnders girl told pals of terror”
Another life-long friend said Gemma, 29, would have “fought for her life” against an attacker. The woman pal said: “She was feisty and bubbly, like her character on EastEnders. Gemma is not the sort of girl who would have wandered off.”
STACIE Halas (aka Tiffany Six?) is a 31-year-old science teacher at Richard B. Haydock Intermediate School in Oxnard, California, removed from her job and placed on administrative leave after her alleged porn past came to light.
Said Jeff Chancer, superintendent of the Oxnard school district:
“Maybe it’s not a crime as far as the penal code is concerned, but we feel it’s a crime as far as moral turpitude is concerned.”
GLEN Johnson, the Liverpool defender is talking to theDaily Mail where he is billed as “Liverpool’s only black first-team player“. That’s an odd thing to state, given that Liverpool is not a racist club, operating no colour bar to players nor fans.
It duly falls upon Johnson’s shoulders to be the spokesman for the entire black community (and where are those meetings held?).
Johnson was in the line up when unlovely Luis Suarez declined to shake the hand of Manchester United’s unlovely Patrice Evra.
“Evra was clever at Old Trafford,’ said Johnson, extending his hand directly towards me. ‘Because – I’m not being funny – but if I wanted to shake your hand I would stick it right out in front of me like that. But if my hand is down here, almost by my side, then it’s because I really don’t want to shake your hand.”
ON International Women’s Day, an update on the Rochdale rape case at Liverpool Crown Court.
Kabeer Hassan, 24; Abdul Aziz, 41; Abdul Rauf, 43; Mohammed Sajid, 35; Adil Khan, 42; Abdul Qayyum, 43; Mohammed Amin, 44; Qamar Shahzad, 29; Liaquat Shah, 41 and Hamid Safi, 22, are in court. They all deny conspiracy to engage in sexual activity with children under the age of 16. Also a 59-year-old man, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, denies the same charge and two, among other thing, two counts of rape.
The 11 accused are all men. That is the first thing we see.
In court, one of the men’s alleged victims tells strangers and a jury that when aged 15 she work form a drunken slumber to find a man raping her.
Among the pledges in the convention, which has already been signed by 18 countries including Germany, France and Ukraine, is one to pass legislation or other measures to criminalise or impose other sanctions for “unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person, in particular when creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment”.
Unwanted? How do you qualify unwanted?
Better to rebrand the wold whistle to something less predatory, like the frog whistle or the teddy bear whistle. Wolves don’t whistle. But rabbits might.