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THANKS to Clean & Dry Intimate Wash, you can “brighten” the skin around your vagina. For just Rs 90 (about £1) you can put spring in your step and your otter’s pocket. As the product informs the owners of darker, flatter less vivacious vaginas, there is hope:
“Life for women will now be fresher, cleaner and more importantly fairer and more intimate.
“Women can use this unique wash during their bath to cleanse their parts. The special PH balance formula maintains the skin’s sensitive PH balance keeping it fresh and protected from infection all day. For the first time women can now also brighten the darkened skin in thar [sic] area making it many shades fairer.”
The Devil is a master of disguise, even better than Heidi Klum. To date, the Devil has appeared as a serpent, a great red dragon, an archangel (all Bible), two brothers in Edlington, a dog in Stratford, East London (both the Sun), Haiti and Karren Brady’s chest. Now the Devil is a middle-aged mum-of-seven who is “slimmer and disguised with a new short hairdo” on a trip to buy ciggies.
The Sun adds:
Cruel Matthews looked chuffed to bits when she went shopping yesterday sporting the striking makeover.
Joe Eszterhas’ letter to ‘Jew hater’ Mel Gibson and Gibson’s reply in full – the Judah Maccabee missives
It’s an odd letter that rambles and rumbles on and on, focusing a lot on Mel’s anti-Semitic outbursts. Eszterhas has written the scripts for the films Showgirl, Basic Instinct and Jade. If the Maccabees script is like this letter then the film might not be worth the effort. Indeed, the best option would be to make a film of the letter, and to include Gibson’s reply, which can be read on the last page:
A big part of the X Factor’s charm is that, away from the crooning and contestant back-stories being forcibly rammed down your gullet, is the vague soap opera that dogs the judges. In the UK show, we’ve got the tension between whichever girls Cowell sits on the panel and, of course, the tension that emanates from every single pore on Louis Walsh’s tiny little head.
Over in America, the tension wasn’t quite there. Americans are, of course, unsubtle creatures who need things to be blindingly obvious before they recognise them. And so, to create cartoonish wrongery, Cowell has hired Queen Of The Damaged, Britney Spears.
EVER wonder what life is like for everyday people in North Korea? Well, keep wondering. The Associated Press’s David Guttenfelder was among journalists given a tour of Heaven on Earth. He was shown what the State wanted him to see. So. What you get is clue as to what the State thinks is edgy and go-ahead, like the woman reading a book as she about to cross a road, an apple juice factory, ten pin bowling, a pet fish swimming in a tank on a table inside a Chinese restaurant at a hotel in Pyongyang, a missile by a huge soldier, a factory making cotton thread, a traffic warden directing no traffic and a huge choir singing on the steps of a government building. MP3 players, cars, nylon, eBooks, hygiene and Flashmobs are soooo last season….
GIFS of the week – look out for the Human Haystack, animals being cute, the Swiss Ball-‘sup, juggling with dog and more…
IN World War 2, the US called up Superman, Captain America, Batman and others to fight the green-faced “Japanazis”, Hitler and Captain Nazi. The US also called up Super Rabbit, The Black Terror, Tod Houlton Super Green Beret, Captain Marvel and The Fighting Yank for their Anti-Hitler Comics. All the heroes were white, apart from the massive-lipped black boy hitting a hammer for peace (see photo)and the only non-white member of the Young Allies. His name? Whitewash. Can racism defeat the enemy? Well, if it can’t the Americans always had a comic book GOD…
BAD news for Mario Balotelli, the Manchester City striker, and Jennifer Thompson: neither are as famous or seductive to tabloid readers as Wayne Rooney. For the third time in five days, Jennifer Thompson is the Daily Star’s cover girl.
In that time she has been:
“DWARF’S GRUMPY-PUMPY WITH ROONEY HOOKER”
ARSENAL fan and jobbing BBC TV comedy show panelist Alan Davies has had his £1000 donation to the Official Hillsborough Justice Campaign rejected. Davies created upset when he questioned Liverpool’s refusal to play on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, when 96 fans died – and police and media colluded to defame them.
Liverpool’s decision means that Chelsea have only two full days to recover from their FA Cup semi-final with Tottenham before their Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.
RICK SANTORUM has announced his withdrawal from the Republican presidential race and in his concession speech on Tuesday afternoon he name-checked some of the many social-media phenomena and online pranks that he has inspired. But the pro-life, anti-porn former senator from Pennsylvania kept quiet about the less than flattering memes that also went viral during his presidential campaign.
Unsurprisingly, he kept quiet about his notorious ‘Google problem‘. Thanks to a campaign by gay rights activists, for a long time the top result for a Google search for “Santorum” was the website Spreadingsantorum.com. It is dedicated to spreading awareness of a made-up neologism that ties Santorum’s name to gay sex.
He did, however, give a nod to the Twittersphere for making his favourite item of clothing – the sweater vest – famous. The Twitter handle @FearRicksVest pokes fun at Santorum’s attachment to his old-fashioned and casual look and Santorum’s campaign cashed in on its popularity by offering a branded vest to anyone who donated more than $100.
Before he bowed out, Santorum also gave a shout-out to the Harris sisters, whose Santorum-inspired tune Game On became a YouTube hit. The catchy chorus goes:
“Oh, there is Hope for our Nation again
Maybe the First time Since we Had Ronald Reagan
There will be Justice for the Unborn
Factories back on our Shores
Where the Constitution rules our land
Yes, I Believe… Rick Santorum is our Man!”
A TERRIFIC collection of retro, raunchy and funny images:
GIFS of the week are young children eating lemons…
IT’S ages since I last thought of Allison Pearson, once of the Daily Mail parish, now ventriloquising for the middle-class mutes of the Daily Telegraph. She re-entered my head with the horrible news that she had fallen victim to the troll virus. Some dreadful person-reader had unleashed the fruitcakes of Twitter upon her good name and exposed her to words yet to be recognised by Wikipedia. One of them, with a ‘gynaecological’ connotation! Allison opined eloquently against trolls – read her piece here.
The business of trolling – ie conducting a targeted and persistent campaign of threatening abuse – reminded me of a piece Allison wrote in her Mail column in March 2008 about Fiona MacKeown. You may recall that Fiona’s daughter, British schoolgirl Scarlett Keeling, was raped and murdered in Goa – it was largely thanks to Fiona’s tenacity the case ever got to trial. Allison, among others, though I am sure privately empathetic, publicly used this tragic event to reproach Fiona for being a selfish hippy. Fiona had not bought into Allison’s addiction to workaholic conformist angst otherwise known as bourgeois life – and so was now deserving of the kicking Allison happily gave her as editor Paul Dacre pulled yet another one of his theatrical faces.
WHEN is a racist attack not a racist attack? Stephen Lawrence was murdered by racists. Trayvon Martin was shot dead by a “white hispanic”. In the video at the foot of the story, a white tourist gets beaten up and assaulted – sexually? – by blacks. Is it racist?
NBC featured the 911 call Trayvon Martin’s killer Geroge Zimmerman made before a shot was fired:
Zimmerman: “This guy looks like he’s up to no good, or he’s on drugs or something. It’s raining and he’s just walking around, looking about.”
911: “Okay. And this guy, is he white black or Hispanic?”
Zimmerman: “He looks black.”
NBC edited that exchange and created:
This guy looks like he’s up to no good. He looks black.
ABC reported: “Trayvon Martin Video shows no blood or bruises on George Zimmerman”. Days later and ABC had another look and noticed that Zimmerman seemed to have been hurt:
Barack Obama told all media that Trayvon Martin could be his son. This is the same Obama whose Homeland Security issued a video telling Americans that people in hoods are up to no good and must be shopped to the police. The official line is: “If You See Something, Say Something (TM).”
So. Is this a racist attack, then?
The video shows a man being punched in the face in Downtown Baltimore. You can hear his head hit the pavement near the entrance to Courthouse East.
Instead of helping, people laugh. Then, the crowd strips him naked and takes his car keys, watch, money and iPhone.
IS this promotion for Jenny Thomson, formerly Jennifer Thompson, aka Juice Jen, the tabloids’ “Rooney’s hooker”. Although still not named in front-page headlines, Thompson leads the Daily Star’s new coverage as “MARIO’S VICE GIRL”.
Is Mario’s Vice Girl a better epithet than Rooney’s Hooker? There is much to discuss on Sky Daily Sport, the porn and football satellite station.
Today’s news is that:
JENNIFER Thompson, the former prostitute who had sex with Manchester City’s Mario Balotelli, remains the Sun’s “Wayne Rooney hooker”.
This proves that reading about sex with Wayne Rooney is more interesting than reading about sex with Mario Balotelli and that ‘Juicy Jeni’ continues to be an unnamed extra at her own shag ‘n’ tell.
But Jenny has news for other women keen to sex a footballer. She says that Mario Balotelli is a “9.5 out of 10 for the sex”, adding:
“Mario is funny, intelligent and a gentleman in the bedroom. He’s a brilliant kisser.”
The Sunday Express leads with news. That news is surmised in a front-page headline:
YARD: WE CAN SOLVE MADDIE MYSTERY
Can. Not will?
SCOTLAND Yard detectives are confident they can solve the mystery of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance.
THE Easter Bunny is coming! The Easter Bunny is coming!! Quick. Look busy! The Easter Bunny is a terrifying, as these Awkward Easter Bunny photos will show you…
TEN Metropolitan Police officers have been suspended for alleged racist behaviour. Shocking. But it’s all too believable that the police are racist. Terrelle Ferguson alleges he was abused by police officers in Forest Gate station. His video is further down the page.
Today the Metropolitan Police Deputy Commissioner, Craig Mackey, stood outside Scotland Yard and stated there was “no room for racism in the Met”.
The California Department of Corrections has released to media a photo of Manson. His latest parole hearing on April 11. Will Manson – convicted of conspiracy to murder and sentenced to death for his part in the 1969 murders of Sharon Tate, pregnant wife of the film director Roman Polanski, and six others – get out? No. The parole hearing is a procedure. This will be Manson’s 12th. The only reason he’s not already dead is because California stopped executing people for a period in the 1970s when Manson’s sentenced was commuted to life.
He never committed those killings. He ordered his followers to.
Manson had a grudge against a record producer who used to lived in Tate’s home. He was trying to cover up his own part in the murder of a drug dealer and the two other victims – Rosemary and Leno LaBianca – were randomly selected to make it seem as though a serial killer was at large
SAMANTHA Brick, troll-bait protagonist and victim du jour of the Mail’s misogynistic editorial policy, told ITV’s This Morning that she intended her article to be witty. It wasn’t. It was devoid of humour. It was shaped by words, sub-editing photos and headline to make Samantha Brick look like a delusional vanity case – and she fits the bill. Even her name – Brick – appears to work of the parodist, a shaped lump of clay that think because it’s stuck in a wall at Buckingham Palace or by Kate Moss’s left shoulder it is it the people have come to see.
But was the reaction to her nonsense any more humorous than her article? No. Not all of it.
THESE photos were taken just before things got a little messy. It’s the certainty of impending doom that makes you look…
WHEN Liz Jones read about Samantha Brick, the woman set up to be the Daily Mail’s go-too hate figure of the day, she knew she had to step up her game. At the morning editorial, the paper’s misogynistic editors looked at the usual faces – Brick, Platell, Moir, The White Witch, Cruella de Vil, Lady Macbeth – and wondered which would pen the troll-bait. And then in stepped Liz Jones, dressed in a blazer and air stewardess scarf. Her hair is pushed back behind one ear. She clasps her hands over her stomach. She smiles. And the blind man at the back of the room screams, “Lumme! It’s Kate Middleton.”
Liz will be the tabloid tampon soaking by bile and vitriol. She will be make a ridiculous, self-aggrandising statement – “Is Liz Jones turning into Kate Middleton? – and have her breasts and mind appraised by a willing commentariat eager to stick the knife in and in and in and keep on plunging until the story bleeds all over the internet and makes the Mail famous on Twitter, Facebook and beyond.
MARIO Balotelli, Manchester City’s entertaining striker, has been having sex with Jennifer Thompson, aka Juicy Jeni, the woman who allegedly had sex with Wayne Rooney, of Manchester United. The Sun says:
“Balotelli’s Nights With Rooney Hooker”
Poor Jennifer Thompson. She is, as ever, a makeweight in a story about her own body and what’s been inside it. Hooker and tart was how the tabloids described Thompson last time round, a woman reduced to her job – work that was said to earn her £1,200 a night. Why did he do it, eh? Why didn’t she get a proper job sat in an office at her work pod and get off with the head of accounts?
Thompson soon become a “dodgy woman“, a cautionary tale about “us” all when the Mail’s Bel Mooney asked: “What have we come to when middle-class girls like this see whoring as a career choice?” Sod it that Helen Wood, the other woman said to have shagged Rooney for cash was intelligent and made a case fo legalised prostitution. Instead we read of Thompson’s “suicide” hell and how the woman who had allegedly shagged 13 Premier League footballers was under attack:
Jenny reveals some of the most menacing abuse she’s suffered has come from another high-profile footballer – astonishingly from United’s rivals Man City. Whenever he sees me out in a club or a restaurant, he starts screaming ‘slag’ and ‘whore’ and then starts throwing ice cubes at me. He’s relentless,” says Jenny, fighting back tears.
THE TOP FIVE CELEBRITY FLIGHT FAUX PAS
Gavin Henson: icy reception
Gavin Henson’s alcohol-related antics on a flight from Glasgow to Cardiff were mild by the standards of Rugby Union. The Welsh international and occasional reality TV star threw ice cubes and generally acted the goat, but did nothing truly appalling.
Nevertheless this was enough, in these squeaky-clean times, to get him sacked by his club Cardiff Blues.
Surely some perspective is need here. After all, it’s not as if he’s the first celebrity to roll in the gutter while soaring through the skies, as you will see from our Top Five Celebrity Flight Faux pas….