Key Posts Category
The art and artfulness of crying lik a politician:
NORMALLY, one would feel sympathy for anyone reduced to tears by a Ken Livingstone campaign video. But when the blubber is Ken himself, and the tears are in full public view and in the presence of his own party leader, the response is likely to be rather different.
ART Frahm, the American creator of pin-ups, worked on one overriding principle: gravity plus everyday objects, notably celery, equals art. Falling panties were his sunflowers. You ladies had best stronger knicker elastic or else. As James Lileks notes: “Her pants are down and she can’t run. Have at it, boys!” The men in the pictures are always shocked and delighted, their greasepaint eyebrows lifted in expectation of still more excitement. Will she pick up her fallen groceries and celery sticks? Let’s find out:
AND so it came to pass that Pippa Middleton did change the course of popular culture. No longer is waving a gun – imaginary or with hooked fingers – the stuff of the urban warrior. It’s now the kind of thing entitled braying ninnies do on their way to a fancy dress party in gay Paris.
As soon as news of Pippa and her chums’ gun larks reached LA, local gang members put down their weapons and looked for other past-times. Says one local gang leader:
“Now dat motha-fuckka Pippa has popped a cpa in da ass of our look we be needin’ some new ideas.”
The Simon Cowell Sex Factor: lover stole TV star’s wallet and X Factor secrets but never told anyone
DAY Three of Simon Cowell’s orgy of print, according to Tom Bower’s serialised biography. Having not had sex with Cheryl Cole, Natalie Imbruglia and sat next to “brave” Dannii Minogue on the telly, the Sun’s front-page news is that the macho TV mogul once took a “woman” back to his LA hotel room. There, she stole “his wallet and a laptop full of show secrets”. It was just dumb luck that the thief he met in America last October never realised the wallet belonged to minter TV megastar S. Cowell or opened the computer and accessed the Top Secret X Factor Files. She most likely tossed the haul into a canal and went into hiding.
While the Sun bangs on about the X Factor for two pages – the sensation is that Cowell realised last year’s show was crap – the Daily Star ignores that and leads with news that Simon Cowell was “secretly engaged to a Daily Star Page 3 girl”.
ED Miliband has inspired the mind behind Rather Like Ed Miliband to create a Tumblr site of things that look like the Labour Party leader:
“One of the baby is not fully developed giving the present physical structure to the baby.”
Imran Sheikh, the father, wants help:
“”I can’t afford to visit Karachi and get treated my baby. I appeal philanthropists and the government to come forward for treatment of the baby.”
“COWELL’S AFFAIR WITH DANNII”
Inside the paper, Ben Jackson’s “world exclusive” tells readers:
SIMON Cowell had a sensational secret affair with X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, The Sun can reveal.
IT’S Ladies Day at Aintree 2012. The woman are shod and in the saddle. Everyone’s in the Chair. The most ladylike woman on show was Coleen Rooney. The rest were doing their best to maker her look like royalty. Who’s your favourite? And how do the ladies stack up to last year’s stable mates..?
THANKS to Clean & Dry Intimate Wash, you can “brighten” the skin around your vagina. For just Rs 90 (about £1) you can put spring in your step and your otter’s pocket. As the product informs the owners of darker, flatter less vivacious vaginas, there is hope:
“Life for women will now be fresher, cleaner and more importantly fairer and more intimate.
“Women can use this unique wash during their bath to cleanse their parts. The special PH balance formula maintains the skin’s sensitive PH balance keeping it fresh and protected from infection all day. For the first time women can now also brighten the darkened skin in thar [sic] area making it many shades fairer.”
The Devil is a master of disguise, even better than Heidi Klum. To date, the Devil has appeared as a serpent, a great red dragon, an archangel (all Bible), two brothers in Edlington, a dog in Stratford, East London (both the Sun), Haiti and Karren Brady’s chest. Now the Devil is a middle-aged mum-of-seven who is “slimmer and disguised with a new short hairdo” on a trip to buy ciggies.
The Sun adds:
Cruel Matthews looked chuffed to bits when she went shopping yesterday sporting the striking makeover.
Joe Eszterhas’ letter to ‘Jew hater’ Mel Gibson and Gibson’s reply in full – the Judah Maccabee missives
It’s an odd letter that rambles and rumbles on and on, focusing a lot on Mel’s anti-Semitic outbursts. Eszterhas has written the scripts for the films Showgirl, Basic Instinct and Jade. If the Maccabees script is like this letter then the film might not be worth the effort. Indeed, the best option would be to make a film of the letter, and to include Gibson’s reply, which can be read on the last page:
A big part of the X Factor’s charm is that, away from the crooning and contestant back-stories being forcibly rammed down your gullet, is the vague soap opera that dogs the judges. In the UK show, we’ve got the tension between whichever girls Cowell sits on the panel and, of course, the tension that emanates from every single pore on Louis Walsh’s tiny little head.
Over in America, the tension wasn’t quite there. Americans are, of course, unsubtle creatures who need things to be blindingly obvious before they recognise them. And so, to create cartoonish wrongery, Cowell has hired Queen Of The Damaged, Britney Spears.
EVER wonder what life is like for everyday people in North Korea? Well, keep wondering. The Associated Press’s David Guttenfelder was among journalists given a tour of Heaven on Earth. He was shown what the State wanted him to see. So. What you get is clue as to what the State thinks is edgy and go-ahead, like the woman reading a book as she about to cross a road, an apple juice factory, ten pin bowling, a pet fish swimming in a tank on a table inside a Chinese restaurant at a hotel in Pyongyang, a missile by a huge soldier, a factory making cotton thread, a traffic warden directing no traffic and a huge choir singing on the steps of a government building. MP3 players, cars, nylon, eBooks, hygiene and Flashmobs are soooo last season….
GIFS of the week – look out for the Human Haystack, animals being cute, the Swiss Ball-‘sup, juggling with dog and more…
IN World War 2, the US called up Superman, Captain America, Batman and others to fight the green-faced “Japanazis”, Hitler and Captain Nazi. The US also called up Super Rabbit, The Black Terror, Tod Houlton Super Green Beret, Captain Marvel and The Fighting Yank for their Anti-Hitler Comics. All the heroes were white, apart from the massive-lipped black boy hitting a hammer for peace (see photo)and the only non-white member of the Young Allies. His name? Whitewash. Can racism defeat the enemy? Well, if it can’t the Americans always had a comic book GOD…
BAD news for Mario Balotelli, the Manchester City striker, and Jennifer Thompson: neither are as famous or seductive to tabloid readers as Wayne Rooney. For the third time in five days, Jennifer Thompson is the Daily Star’s cover girl.
In that time she has been:
“DWARF’S GRUMPY-PUMPY WITH ROONEY HOOKER”
ARSENAL fan and jobbing BBC TV comedy show panelist Alan Davies has had his £1000 donation to the Official Hillsborough Justice Campaign rejected. Davies created upset when he questioned Liverpool’s refusal to play on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, when 96 fans died – and police and media colluded to defame them.
Liverpool’s decision means that Chelsea have only two full days to recover from their FA Cup semi-final with Tottenham before their Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.
RICK SANTORUM has announced his withdrawal from the Republican presidential race and in his concession speech on Tuesday afternoon he name-checked some of the many social-media phenomena and online pranks that he has inspired. But the pro-life, anti-porn former senator from Pennsylvania kept quiet about the less than flattering memes that also went viral during his presidential campaign.
Unsurprisingly, he kept quiet about his notorious ‘Google problem‘. Thanks to a campaign by gay rights activists, for a long time the top result for a Google search for “Santorum” was the website Spreadingsantorum.com. It is dedicated to spreading awareness of a made-up neologism that ties Santorum’s name to gay sex.
He did, however, give a nod to the Twittersphere for making his favourite item of clothing – the sweater vest – famous. The Twitter handle @FearRicksVest pokes fun at Santorum’s attachment to his old-fashioned and casual look and Santorum’s campaign cashed in on its popularity by offering a branded vest to anyone who donated more than $100.
Before he bowed out, Santorum also gave a shout-out to the Harris sisters, whose Santorum-inspired tune Game On became a YouTube hit. The catchy chorus goes:
“Oh, there is Hope for our Nation again
Maybe the First time Since we Had Ronald Reagan
There will be Justice for the Unborn
Factories back on our Shores
Where the Constitution rules our land
Yes, I Believe… Rick Santorum is our Man!”
A TERRIFIC collection of retro, raunchy and funny images:
GIFS of the week are young children eating lemons…
IT’S ages since I last thought of Allison Pearson, once of the Daily Mail parish, now ventriloquising for the middle-class mutes of the Daily Telegraph. She re-entered my head with the horrible news that she had fallen victim to the troll virus. Some dreadful person-reader had unleashed the fruitcakes of Twitter upon her good name and exposed her to words yet to be recognised by Wikipedia. One of them, with a ‘gynaecological’ connotation! Allison opined eloquently against trolls – read her piece here.
The business of trolling – ie conducting a targeted and persistent campaign of threatening abuse – reminded me of a piece Allison wrote in her Mail column in March 2008 about Fiona MacKeown. You may recall that Fiona’s daughter, British schoolgirl Scarlett Keeling, was raped and murdered in Goa – it was largely thanks to Fiona’s tenacity the case ever got to trial. Allison, among others, though I am sure privately empathetic, publicly used this tragic event to reproach Fiona for being a selfish hippy. Fiona had not bought into Allison’s addiction to workaholic conformist angst otherwise known as bourgeois life – and so was now deserving of the kicking Allison happily gave her as editor Paul Dacre pulled yet another one of his theatrical faces.
WHEN is a racist attack not a racist attack? Stephen Lawrence was murdered by racists. Trayvon Martin was shot dead by a “white hispanic”. In the video at the foot of the story, a white tourist gets beaten up and assaulted – sexually? – by blacks. Is it racist?
NBC featured the 911 call Trayvon Martin’s killer Geroge Zimmerman made before a shot was fired:
Zimmerman: “This guy looks like he’s up to no good, or he’s on drugs or something. It’s raining and he’s just walking around, looking about.”
911: “Okay. And this guy, is he white black or Hispanic?”
Zimmerman: “He looks black.”
NBC edited that exchange and created:
This guy looks like he’s up to no good. He looks black.
ABC reported: “Trayvon Martin Video shows no blood or bruises on George Zimmerman”. Days later and ABC had another look and noticed that Zimmerman seemed to have been hurt:
Barack Obama told all media that Trayvon Martin could be his son. This is the same Obama whose Homeland Security issued a video telling Americans that people in hoods are up to no good and must be shopped to the police. The official line is: “If You See Something, Say Something (TM).”
So. Is this a racist attack, then?
The video shows a man being punched in the face in Downtown Baltimore. You can hear his head hit the pavement near the entrance to Courthouse East.
Instead of helping, people laugh. Then, the crowd strips him naked and takes his car keys, watch, money and iPhone.
IS this promotion for Jenny Thomson, formerly Jennifer Thompson, aka Juice Jen, the tabloids’ “Rooney’s hooker”. Although still not named in front-page headlines, Thompson leads the Daily Star’s new coverage as “MARIO’S VICE GIRL”.
Is Mario’s Vice Girl a better epithet than Rooney’s Hooker? There is much to discuss on Sky Daily Sport, the porn and football satellite station.
Today’s news is that:
JENNIFER Thompson, the former prostitute who had sex with Manchester City’s Mario Balotelli, remains the Sun’s “Wayne Rooney hooker”.
This proves that reading about sex with Wayne Rooney is more interesting than reading about sex with Mario Balotelli and that ‘Juicy Jeni’ continues to be an unnamed extra at her own shag ‘n’ tell.
But Jenny has news for other women keen to sex a footballer. She says that Mario Balotelli is a “9.5 out of 10 for the sex”, adding:
“Mario is funny, intelligent and a gentleman in the bedroom. He’s a brilliant kisser.”