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THE Hampshire College Halloween Checklist asks: “Is You Costume Racist?”
Ask yourself: “Does my costume represent a culture that’s not my own?” That question to the Jedi Klingon Zombie…
The brain dead should convene at the Amherst, MA, campus on October 31…
PIGEONS. One half of humanity seems hellbent on trying to murder them with harks and guns. The other half wants to use them to throw food at them. One man’s rock dove is another man’s flying rat. A few things we know about pigeons:
1. They are critics of human endeavour – no statue is safe
2. They love cricket
3. They help to win wars
4. They can be raced
We’ve gone through the archives to bring you a pictorial history of pigeons.
KERRY Katona says he will know that she’s dead when Gina D’Acampo, Fern Britton, Coleen Nolan and Ant ‘n’ Dec, turn up at her funeral. We’d advise her to approach Iceland with a Cryogenics range of frozen celebs, possibly on sticks. Kerry is talking about death because it’s Haloween. OK! wants to know if she has ever “had a poltergeist”. Well, there are no kids to offer proof of a dalliance but she did have experiences:
“At my house in Warrington, the light used to blow constantly, and I’d be lying in bed and the TV would suddenly come on. I went to see a psychic and he told me it was my dear friend letting me know she was there.”
WANT to learn how to breathe underwater? Children look a way now:
IN LATE 60’S I DISCOVERED I COULD BREATH UNDER WATER WITHOUT EQUIPMENT.
1-DRINK ONE BEER (MAY NOT BE REQUIRED)
2-JUMP INTO DEEP END OF POOL
3-EXHALE ALL AIR AS YOU ARE GOING DOWN
4-SIT ON FLOOR OF POOL
5-GRIT TEETH AND LIPS
6-SLOWLY SUCK AIR THRU LIPS AND TEETH.
WARNING…NOT FOR MINORS
MAYBE SOMEONE CAN FORWARD THIS TO THE NAVY SEALS AND PERHAPS AFTER THEY FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN DUPLICATE THIS CAN INVENT A MOUTHPIECE THAT ACTUALLY IS SEPARATING OUT THE AIR (HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN) FROM THE WATER ENABLING MILITARY TO BREATH UNDERWATER WITH NO TANKS ECT. SORT OF A FISH GILL FOR THE MOUTH. IT IS NOTED THE POOL ALSO CONTAINED CHLORINE ..THE POOL WAS IN HOLLYWOOD CALIF.
* Great and momentous times we have had, the ladies and I. Monumental and magnificent. Tender, sometimes touching, but never turbulent. From single situations to team-handed times, girls have taught, trimmed and trained me up to Olympian standards.
* From that day to this there have been trains and, with apologies to the hit parade, boats and planes (I am a member of the 40,000ft club) and bushes and fields, corridors, doorways, floors, chairs, slag heaps, desks and probably everything except the celebrated chandelier and ironing board.
* The officeress was dissuaded from bringing charges against me by her colleagues for it was well known that were I to go, I would probably take half the station with me.
* On one of my trips to France I had walked into a shop to ask a price and there was a lady behind the counter. The counter was also the same height as my pelvic bone… Hands in trouser pockets I leaned foward to speak, bit before I could utter a word over-balanced and rocked back and forth, perfectly balanced by the hips. As I couldn’t get my trapped hands out of my trouser pockets I was well stuck, and the alarmed lady summoned her husband with loud Gallic cries. He levered me upright, but as I couldn’t speak French at the time, all I could do was smile like Charlie Chaplin and bow out.
* One second I was there, the next, all that was left was an old raincoat.
THESE are the best photographs from Nikon’s Small World microscope photography competition 2012. Unpleasant creepy-crawlies can be beautiful:
PAEDO Ring. Jimmy Savile. Margaret Thatcher. The links reverberate around the newsrooms:
Daily Star (front page): “SAVILE: Paedo Ring Linked To Number 10”
Daily Mirror (front page): “Peado Ring INSIDE Number 10”
The story is based on the words of Tom Watson MP who yesterday told the Commons at PMQS:
“The evidence file – used to convict paedophile Peter Righton – if it still exists, contains clear intelligence of a widespread paedophile ring. One of it’s members boasts of his links to a senior aide of a former Prime minister, who says he could smuggle indecent images of children from abroad. The leads were not followed up, but if the files still exist, I want to ensure that the Metropolitan Police secure the evidence, re-examine it, and investigate clear intelligence suggesting a powerful paedophile network linked to Parliament and Number 10″.
TO Brighton, East Sussex, for the Pimps and Hoes-themed Carange student piss up, throw up, feel up, cock up and knocked up extravaganza. Honk if you’re not dry heaving. Who’s up for it?
JIMMY Savile was a miracle, a gift from God. It’s true. He was meant to be. He was saved by the venerable Margaret Sinclair.
In 1978, Pope Paul VI declared that Margaret Sinclair practised the Christian virtues to a heroic degree and she was given the title ‘The Venerable Margaret Sinclair’.
St. Pattrick’s parish, Edinburgh, praises her. It wants the woman born in that city to made a saint.
BEFORE the internet, there was a whole world of information to be found on Ceefax and Teletext. These blocky, but comfortingly amateurish graphics would adorn our pages with TV listings, horoscopes, music news and games. Bamboozle is surely one of the first interactive games a generation played? Channel 4 had Planet Sound, with John Earls heading up the editorial and providing a trusted, fanzine-style voice which music fans would devour with their Coco Pops on their TVs previously meant only for their Spectrums and Commodore 64s.
The BBC’s Ceefax was a little more safe than what could be found on other channels, but by no means loved any less.
Even though the whole thing looked hopelessly out of date in an age where video games are hyper-real and the internet is the place filled with every kind of graphic and photo you could hope for, there’s elements of Ceefax and Teletext that haven’t been bettered.
For example, the Now And Next (p120 or p606) television guide feature was a thing of wonder, minimising itself at the foot of the screen, allowing you to continue to watch television while weighing up which channel to hop to. And of course, subtitling was a glorious leap forward, with captioning on Freeview and Sky basically copying what Ceefax had done before.
For many, Teletext and Ceefax won’t mean a thing, but for that generation that truly embraced it, its passing should bring back a host of memories. Pressing ‘reveal’ on pages with no answer was always a thing people did, revealing stray code and such. Then there was the button which allowed you to enter a four number code, rather than the usual three. Stoners and the bored would endlessly tap in random digits in a bid to find secret pages. And this writer DID, and it appeared to be something to do with a premium rate phone game, regrettably.
It goes without saying that this old technology had to go, surpassed by the infinitely more useful internet. Smartphones and tablets effectively made Ceefax redundant. But that’s not to say we shouldn’t pay small tribute. After all, if it wasn’t for Nightscreen and the like, many of us would never have heard any jazz or muzak, ever.
THE media loves to talk about the media. Today it’s all about media star turned pariah Jimmy Savile. The papers lead with:
Daily Star: “BBC torn apart by Savile”
Oh, please. The Star, owned by Channel 5 boss Richard Desmond, is hoping for too much.
Daily Mail: “Savile’s victims to sue for millions”
PEOPLE on infomercials are always doing it wrong. “Whenever a TV product commercial plays I bust a gut during the parts where they show us what we’re doing wrong and why we need the product.” Here are some of the best:
DID you have a “lucky escape” from Jimmy Savile? David Walliams did. The Telegraph says David Walliams had a “lucky escape” because when he was 10 he wrote to Jimmy Savile, asking the then sainted charity worker to fix it for him to meet Brian Blessed. Yeah, Brian Blessed. Lucky escape or what!?
Walliams has kept the letter he wrote to the BBC’s Jim’ll Fix It show. He’s published it on the back of his autobiography, Camp David. The letter goes:
“Dear Jim’ll [sic], Please can you fix it for me to meet Brian Blessed, who plays the King Vultan in Flash Gordon? And please can you fix it for me to be a Hawkman for the day? Basically, I just really want to be on TV. Yours sincerely, David.”
THE self-serving police elite can try to use the idiotic Andrew Mitchell to look pure, righteous and trustworthy but after the lies of Hillsborough were exposed, we get news that South Yorkshire police may have lied during the miners’ strike in 1984.
Were young officers keen to get on and not sully their careers coerced into fabricating reports that led to the arrests of 95 miners in what became known as the Battle of Orgreave? All the miners were acquitted. But in nicking them, the police made it harder for the accused to protest. Hit them hard and tomorrow they won’t turn up to protest.
NEWSNIGHT editor Peter Rippon has quit over the fallout from his decision to spike the Jimmy Savile sex story.
Well, so says the Daily Mail on its front page. But on twitter, Nick Sutton tweets that Rippon has not quit.
Has the Mail made a howler? No. Rippon has stepped aside.
Panorama says Rippon WAS under pressure from his superiors at the BBC to drop the story that Jimmy Savile was a predatory paedophile.
MARINA Chapman was, when a young child, adopted by family of capuchin monkeys in the Colombian jungle. She had been kidnapped at around five-years-old. The caper had went and she was abandoned in the jungle.
She now lives in Bradford.
In Colombia, Chapman learned from the monkeys. She could catch and kill small animals and birds with her bare hands. She lived that way for five years.
When human beings found her, they took her town and traded her for a parrot with a brothel keeper.
LEEDS United. They’ll chant! They’ll shout! They’ll knock your keeper out! It’s Leeds United!…
Some Leeds fans will doubtless revel in the antics of Aaron Cawley, who ran onto the pitch and slapped Sheffield Wednesday Chris Kirkland in the face. When Leeds United equalised, Crawley attacked a big professional athlete who was looking the other way.
Leeds United manager Neil Warnock said Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Chris Kirkland “went down like a tonne of bricks”. But, come on, it looked like a foul…
THE news that England players took caffeine pills before their match against Poland – and then sleeping pills after the game was called off – have prompted predictable jokes about performance-reducing drugs. But this innocuous incident takes place at a time when questions are being asked about the prevalence of doping in sport. Football has usually been regarded as a “clean”, on the grounds that drugs can’t improve your game. But while it’s true that most failed tests involve recreational drugs which are anything but performance-enhancing, this has tended to overshadow the ways in which the medical advisors to top teams have pushed the boundaries in order to steal a march, or even a match.
JIMMY Savile’s legacy: The tattoo can be fixed with long socks and garters. (A few tweaks and it’s Lady Gaga puffing a spliff.)
Jimmy Savile legacy: Cannock’s Gym’ll Fix It health clubs
Jimmy Savile auction – string vests, Shag Wagons and gold up for sale
Jimmy Savile auction – string vests, Shag Wagons and gold up for sale
Jimmy Savile: Margaret Thatcher, miners and a themed Range Rover
Dear Jimmy Savile, thanks for the Michael Jackson tickets
Jimmy Savile’s ‘Benjamin Rabbit and the Stranger Danger – What a child needs to know about strangers’
Jimmy Savile: The soap on a rope, a board game and tickets to take children all over the country
Buy Jimmy Savile’s Jim I’ll Fix It chair for £15,000
WHY did the BBC’s Newsnight show cancel its investigation into Jimmy Savile? Newsnight, the BBC’s in-depth late-night news show, at first ignored the story that every other news organisation was leading with. On Newsnight for days there was no word on the Peado King who had attacked underage girls in his BBC Top of The Pops studio and beyond, as is alleged. When Newsnight fianlly featured the story, BBC Radio 4 DJ Eddie Mair was drafted in to host a chat. We were told that Newsnight did not run the item for “editorial reasons“. What reasons? Dunno. The show that likes to unleash Jeremy Paxman on politicians, to skewer them with hard questioning, sardony and heckling, left it that that. Newnight then produced the greatest line uttered on TV this year:
“The BBC declined to appear in his live discussion.”
MICHAEL Black, 64, and his partner John Morgan, 59, are £3,600 better off (£1,800 each). When Christian Susanne Wilkinson refused to let them stay in a double bed at the Swiss Bed and Breakfast in Cookham, Berkshire, she was breaking the law.
She said she was sticking up for her religious beliefs.
The couple had a reservation and paid a deposit. That was March 2010.
TO Mexico, where head of the Zetas drugs cartel Heriberto Lazcano is dead. Maybe. The Mexican Nazy says it killed Lazcano outside a baseball stadium. But when asked to show the body, they said it has been lost, stolen by unknown armed men from a funeral home.
The State wants to exhume Lazcano’s mother and father, take DNA and prove that they really did kill Lazcano. The Navy took fingerprints of their quarry. So. If the DNA matches, what more proof does anyone need that Lazcano is dead and the State is winning the war on drugs?
The police had fielded reports of a man walking around Chorley, Lancashire, wielding a samurai sword.
IN “MY 32 YEARS WITH SAVILE”, the Daily Mirror looks to have a scoop. Did Sir James Savile have a lover? Did he fancy older women and underage girls and boys? Dunno. All we get is Janet Cope, 70, Jimmy Savile’s former PA. Jimmy Savile gave her away at her wedding. She’d asked him to. She said of the big day:
“It was a super day, absolutely lovely. Jim always had to be the centre of attention, but I was happy to let him enjoy it. I thought it was funny.”
Janet Cope spoke with the Daily Mail in 2011. The paper says Cope and Savile worked together for 28 years, a relationship began in 1971. Highlights are:
Janet Cope: “I’m a better person because of Jimmy. He taught me so much about how to fight for what you believe in, because that’s what he always did. He helped so many people in his life, and I’m proud to have been part of that.”
AMANDA Todd has died. The 15-year-old is thought to have killed herself. You might have seen the Candian’s video. In it, she holds up handwritten notes to tell her story of bullying. She says a stranger seduced her to show her breasts on camera online. The stranger took a picture and posted it online. The stranger created a Facebook page and added Todd’s friends to it. That happened when Amanda Todd was 12.