Gay Sex Allowed In Parks And In The Single Man Paedo Zone

AS you were. It’s OK for you to have gay sex in parks.

It’s all part of the drive to turn our parks into 24 hour utilities. The new parks will feature something for everyone.

Michael Cunningham, Lancashire’s Deputy Chief Constable, says if officers see men cottaging in parks, they should walk on by. They should not offer a “knee-jerk” response; nor a “truncheon-jerk response” a “pepper spray-jerk response” nor a “camera phone-jerk response”.

He says officers should “study specialist sex websites – to see what is talking place in local parks, toilets and car parks.” They should be understanding and not act as “moral arbiter”.

Were Mr Cunningham not so obviously a raging heterosexual, one may suppose his views were a prelude to his computer being seized and CCTV footage coming to light of a crowd of naked and proud men dancing around a nipple-shaped hat and placing clip the tie on the donkey.

The Sun talks of an “explosion” in cases of open–air sex.

Cunningham then says that those arrested for sexual conduct can become depressed and suicidal. But – hey – get a load of that open-air sex explosion. Woof!

What’s needed is a new kind of park to cater for today’s citizens:

Single Man Zone:
Any man on his own is required to wear a day-glo jacket with the words “Possible Pervert” or “Potential Paedo” on the back. If stopped, men will stand in G-Litter Bins until ther sexuality can be assessed by a series of pictorial tests.

Crack Pipe Zone:
Formerly children’s adventure playground. The ride of your life with the crack pipe – soar up to the sky and then zip down, down, down on a slide the likes of which you have never experienced…

Dogging Zone:
Formerly dog exercise zone, with new Poo Zone for scatologists.

Swings, Schwings & Play Things:
Ed and Kirsten will take your coats and jackets at the gate. Judy and Pete sit on the swings awaiting your push to new limits. The local round table operate the merry-go round, guaranteeing a seat and a space for all to fill.

While away the time while the kidz play Dodge the Paedo and British Rottweiler, an up-to-the moment version of British Bulldog in which teenagers in hoods and chains compete to see which of their big dogs can cause the most adults to shit themselves (see Scat Zone).

You’re it!

Boating Lake:
Row, row, row your boat, merrily down the stream and if you see an illegal immigrant floating on an upturned li-lo, don’t forget to scream. And then tell the authorities.

More Zones to follow…

How To Spot A Paedophile In The Park

Man Freed From Sex With Metal Park Bench

Keep Off The Headscarves: Tehran’s Female Only Park

Bomb Squad Explodes Suspicious Hotdogs

Anorak

Posted: 17th, October 2008 | In: Media | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0