The Ryanair Rules: Coin-Operated Oxygen And Mullah Seating

RYANAIR’S suggestion to turn its aircraft into flying urine and faeces themes craft for fetishists move on.

And while passengers try to force a euro coin in a pound coin slot on the toilet door, Anorak is met by a leaked draft document that lays out the carrier’s new rules.

1. Passengers’ stools will be weighed by the toilet pan scales and charged as excess baggage.

2. A Victorian erotic viewer will be fitted to the door of the cubicle, allowing anyone having sex inside to claim a 10% discount should (i) more than five coins be placed in the viewer by passengers; (ii) the coitus not last longer than five seconds, at which point the passengers will be charged for “bed and board” at walk-in rates.

3. Optional onboard extras:
i. Seats – three grades: mat; bean bag; pogo stick; wooden stool
ii. Oxygen masks – £1 per minute, adults; £5-a-minute, children, OAP, DO Not Resuscitate
iii. Emergency slides – £1 a go; three goes for £2
iv. Use of door (pay on exit only)
v. Lifejackets – with or without light, whistle, straw

4. Each Ryanair flight will feature a shining-eyed swarthy man with a wiry beard and NHS prescription glasses. He will be sat in row 9D. Seats are arranged in concentric “circles” around him, with spaces closest to “Mullah One” necessitating a £3 surcharge, moving to £10, £150 and £1,000 as the outer circles are reached.

Note: not for publication, and any similarity to actual events coincidental.

Image: B3ta

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, March 2009 | In: Key Posts, Media Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink