Jacqui Smith’s Guide To Porn

JACQUI Smith and her husband’s viewing habits are of great concern to the Mail, which pinches its nose, meshes it moist hands over its eyes and invites Olivia Lichtenstein (married with children aged 15 and 20) to watch “several subscription channels…”

A young woman wearing too much make-up knocks on the door of a semi-detached house, and a second woman of a similar age answers. Before the front door has closed behind them, they are pawing at each other and kissing.

Disgusting! What next?

Seconds later, they are pulling each other’s clothes off, their hands and mouths working in a frenzied - if unconvincing - parody of insatiable desire.

Any chance of showing us how it’s really done, Olivia, for research purposes? Hey, steady on, it’s citizen journalism.

Elsewhere, a man orders two ‘take-away bimbos’ over the telephone. They arrive, a specifically requested unmatched pair, one blonde, the other brunette, and under his gaze fondle and undress each other like automatons, mouthing filthy words of encouragement and pleading with him to join in. He does.

God, we feel dirty now. But it Olivia is prepared to suffer, then we owe it to her to read her testimony. Go on, if you must…

Their depilated bodies - female pubic hair has no place in this parallel universe - leave nothing to the imagination…

We dare not close our eyes to imagine, our waking vision is enough…

So why am I, a mother of two, sitting on the sofa, polluting my home and my mind with these horrible images on the television screen in the corner of the living room?

For money?

Well, I wanted to find out exactly what it was that the Home Secretary’s husband has been viewing at the taxpayers’ expense. What did these 18-rated full-length films and ‘the best of amateur video and adult entertainment’ really contain?

Indeed, right now hundreds of men are investigating the state of the nation. Many will have closed curtain so that no passing child or vicar may see the hideousness and be forever sullied. For the rest of us:

On the Sky menu that comes up on my screen at home, there is a section marked ADULT. On selecting it, I quickly discovered that there are 65 X-rated channels on my Sky box, all of which are either subscription or pay-per-view.

Slow down. “Adult”. Ok. Then…

Flicking through, scantily-clad girls, some of whom looked only a couple of years older than my own 15-year-old daughter, invited me to ‘watch the dirtiest UK amateur action. Genuine home-grown footage from real people at it in their own homes, perhaps even your neighbours!’

No. Old Mr Anorak has been a member of Neighbourhood Watch for years. It’s not the Archers… The Stringfellows, possibly…

Although you have to subscribe either on the phone or online to watch the films in their entirety, there are plenty of insalubrious images on the trailers at your (or indeed your children’s) disposal at the mere push of a button.

So free trailers. But you need to call. What’s the price..?

It took just one hour to subscribe to an adult package on Sky, costing £15.99 a month, plus a £15 joining fee.

Any tips?

Red Hot TV’s Dirty Debutantes introduce themselves on such accessible-to-all trailers: ‘Hi, my name’s Verity from Birmingham. I like c***s, I like sex toys,’ says one pneumatic young girl with a vacant expression and a fake smile.

Maybe. Got anything else?

Also available to all are the exclusively female voice-overs on other channels, who assert ‘we recognise that you’re not here for the plot’, while heralding their upcoming attractions: Dirty Chavs, Girls in Uniform, Filthy Fetish Freaks - you get the picture.

No, you get the picture, Olivia and Mr Jacqui Smith. We get to read about it…

I decided to subscribe to a similar 3-in-1 package to the Home Secretary’s husband: Playboy TV, the Adult Channel and Spice Extreme. (Playboy TV’s website, quick to capitalise on the recent unexpected attention, has this to say yesterday: ‘We’d like to offer all MPs and their husbands a special VIP subscription to Playboy.’)

Gordon Brown has a husband? Whatever turns you on…

When I called to subscribe, an automated service asked me to hold, stating that all operators were busy. No shortage of new subscribers then.

Maybe the call-centre girls are busy, multi-tasking..?

The phone line operator, when she answered, sounded as bored and weary as a hooker on her final trick of the night.

We were right.

Since my husband’s name is on our Sky package, I had to hand him the phone for him to authorise my usage. (I wonder whose name is on the Timney-Smith household’s TV package?).

Ah, Mr Lichtenstein. Andy…

Even after watching this material for a few minutes, I was left wanting a good hot bath to wash away the degradation and tawdriness of the experience.

Did you film it?

Married to a powerful woman - the Home Secretary - perhaps Richard Timney watches porn because it makes him feel in control.

Perhaps.

Could this be the key to why Mr Timney likes it so much? He has such a powerful wife - who is also his boss. Does the watching of such material where women bow so totally to the desires of men allow him to feel in control for once?

Yes, Olivia. Whatever you say, dear. Nightie-night. I’ll just nip down and feed the cat…

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Jacqui Smith In Home Porn Scandal

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2009 | In: Media Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink