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In the world of TransferBalls, the Metro – now feeder paper to the dire Daily Telegraph – is like that Lotto machine, tossing up all manner balls and spitting out hope with only a one in a billion chance of hitting a winner.
Today the paper links Arsenal to PSG’s Edison Cavani. The headline is all”
Top journalist says Arsenal hope to completing transfer of megastar before deadline
Who? And Who?
The star is, as we’ve noted, Uruguay striker Edinson Cavani. the top journo is… Kike Marin. He’s a Spanish journalist, who has the inside track on a South American footballer playing in France linked to an English club. Journalist in all three of those nations must look to Kike with envy.
This is what he tweeted about Cavani:
‘Wenger tried to sign Cavani the last summer. Perhaps he can sign him now? Hopefully!!’
Perhaps. Hopefully. And to the Metro that is news.
In earlier Metro news:
Jackson never came. Arsenal never bid for him.
Lewandowski never came. Arsenal never bid for him,
Aubameyman has never attracted a bid from Arsenal.
In fairness, Kike Marin just says what he thinks and what he knows. The Metro then turns it into fact.
Jeremy Corbyn offers something different to Labour voters. He offers them socialism. The Press don’t like him. His quotes of old have been mangled into neat headlines.
HEADLINE: “Tony Blair must face trial for war crimes over ‘illegal’ Iraq invasion, says Jeremy Corbyn”
Quote in Full:
Pressed on whether Mr Blair should be charged with war crimes, he said: “If he’s committed a war crime, yes. Everyone who’s committed a war crime should be.”
HEADLINE: “Jeremy Corbyn to ‘bring back Clause IV'”
Quote In Full:
“I think we should talk about what the objectives of the party are, whether that’s restoring the Clause Four as it was originally written or it’s a different one, but I think we shouldn’t shy away from public participation, public investment in industry and public control of the railways.
“I’m interested in the idea that we have a more inclusive, clearer set of objectives. I would want us to have a set of objectives which does include public ownership of some necessary things such as rail.”
HEADLINE: “Corbyn’s bid to turn Britain Into Zimbabwe”
Quote In Full:
“The ‘rebalancing’ I have talked about here today means rebalancing away from finance towards the high-growth, sustainable sectors of the future. How do we do this? One option would be for the Bank of England to be given a new mandate to upgrade our economy to invest in new large scale housing, energy, transport and digital projects: Quantitative easing for people instead of banks. Richard Murphy has been one of many economists making that case.”
HEADLINE: “Watch Out! Corbyn targets every organisation in Britain as he vows to cut ludicrous salaries” (now changed)
Quote In Full:
“High quality global journalism requires investment. Please share this article with others using the link below, do not cut & paste the article. I do think the salary levels and the bonus levels again have got to be looked at. I am looking at the gap in every organisation between highest and lowest levels of pay.”
HEADLINE: “Corbyn slammed over plan for ‘women-only’ train carriages to curb sexual harassment on public transport”
Quote In Full:
“My intention would be to make public transport safer for everyone from the train platform, to the bus stop, on the mode of transport itself. However, I would consult with women and open it up to hear their views on whether women-only carriages would be welcome – and also if piloting this at times and on modes of transport where harassment is reported most frequently would be of interest.”
Other Parents focuses on Cherish Peterson who left her baby at the grocery store. Cherish, 27, forgot her two-month-old son Huxton was still sat in the trolley at Fry’s shop in Gilbert, Arizona.
Gilbert, who was with three of her four children when Huxton was left behind, has been charged with child endangerment.
This being the USA of A, Cherish go on the telly. She tell the nation:
“I consider it a fair trade – the Diet Coke for Huxton. They weigh roughly the same, so, d’uh.”
No. What she really said was:
“I’m a good mom who made a horrible mistake. I got into my car, and normally I put my cart away. But I didn’t need to because I parked at the front of the store and I never park there. And I drove away… As I was pulling into the garage, my three-year-old goes, ‘Where’s baby Huxton?’ His car seat is right behind me. I turned around and realised it was gone…
“There is nothing I love more in this world than being a mum. And there is no one in this world who could love my kids more than me.”
In other news, Macaulay Culkin just turned 35.
PS: In 2012, British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife, Samantha, left their eight-year-old daughter, Nancy, in a pub after having Sunday drink, Downing Street has confirmed. They were not arrested.
How easy is it to forget your children?
Oliver Sacks has died. The metastatic melanoma finally took the life of the great neurologist and writer. He was 82.
Dr Sacks, most famous, perhaps for his book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat – a look a case studies of peculiar brain patterns; the book’s name derived from the man who really could not differentiate between a hat and his wife – and Awakenings, which recounted Sacks’ work at New York’s Beth Abraham hospital with survivors of a forgotten 1920 epidemic of sleepy sickness.
You can read more of the prolific author on Flashbak.
Lord, one of hardest things about middle age is losing your heroes and mentors. May Oliver’s memory be a blessing. pic.twitter.com/UvzSQRnRGF
“Apparently I owned this utterly crap caravan for three weeks before actually setting eyes on it.
“My husband drunkenly bought it on Ebay, and neglected to mention that one day he’d taken the day off work and driven halfway across the country to pick it up, deposit it around the back of our office, and failed to declare it as technically a marital ‘asset’ until recently.
“Luckily, I’m the trusting type, and despite appearances I don’t think he bought it solely for the purpose of having a sordid extra-marital affair or taking up dogging, however as you might be able to see from the pictures, it would be PERFECT for both…
“It has been brought to my attention that the “caravan” would also be suitable for use as a rolling meth lab. Apologies for the omission.”
“This is a warning for us to tackle the issue of migration quickly. We have more refugees in the world than at any time since the Second World War. The world’s eyes are upon us.”
Let them in. Destroy the trade in human flesh. Let the desperate not spend their last monies on a gangster with a dingy and a van. Let them in. Let them in with money so they can eat and live.
Earlier this week, 51 dead people were found in the hold of a ship off the coast of Libya. The Swedish coastguard ship arrived too late for them but it did manage to save 400 others, says the BBC. A boat carrying an estimated 500 people capsized in the Med. Two hundred were found alive.
What to do? What to do?
Let them in.
See how they get on in fortress Europe.
Slovakia refuses to accept Muslim migrants. The country has yet to perfect its Muslim-detecting devices. But give it time.
Bulgaria keeps migrants out with 50 miles of razor wire along Turkish border. This fence is 15ft tall and 5ft wide. They say its kept people out, around 500 last month.
Fires, which are currently blocking access to the harbour, have plunged the crisis zone into further chaos.
It comes after Britain’s borders faced more disruption last night as hundreds of migrants including children stormed the Eurotunnel.
David Cameron has said Britain is threatened by a “swarm” of foreigners and the migrant crisis in Calais was likened to a “warzone.”
Migrants were pictured clinging to a lorry as they left the port of Dover, while others in Calais were seen clambering over fences with children in tow.
More than 4,000 increasingly aggressive and desperate migrants largely from war-torn failed African states have stormed through fences in a bid to clamber aboard trains to ‘El Dorado’ UK.
An estimated 150 have made it to Britain’s shores, with some claiming an increased feeling nationwide that the country is under siege.
Mr Cameron, meanwhile, remains in Vietnam and Theresa May has refused to call in military support to help the beleagured French forces.
Despite the numbers of migrants flooding into Britain, Mr Cameron has insisted the border with France is secure although he did admit the threat was very real. . . .
Natalie Chapman, of the Freight Transport Association, likened the scenes of chaos in Calais to a “warzone” and fears it is only a matter of time till a British driver gets killed in the French port.
She said: “The situation in Calais has been escalating over the last few months and you think it can’t get any worse – and then it does.
“For lorry drivers trying to get to the UK it’s like a warzone. You’ve got people who have made in many cases very long and dangerous journeys to try to get to the UK who will stop at nothing to try to get on board.
The desperate are now invaders. They do not come to escape, but to conquer.
The language is hard-edge. But it’s honest, at least. All mainstream political parties agree with the Express. They bluster at the language, point to the man who says “swarm” and demand he retract the slur, but they all agree with the sentiment that migrants must be kept out.
They force David Cameron to explain why he referred to migrants as a ‘swarm’ – he says it was not ‘dehumanising’. Was it? Was it worst than the Labour Party who made Bulgarians and Romanians second-class Europeans, and who dismantled Libya and Afghanistan by bomb and bullet, dead countries from which migrants are escaping? Was it worse than ignoring the plight of ordinary Syrians, looking on as the country fell into disorder?
A confident Europe would not argue the toss and draw up a glossary of acceptable terms. It would let them in. These are the people who want to be here. Let them in
John Stones wants to leave Everton. Chelsea have been tapping on the player’s door all summer, keen to spend all that filthy lucre on the great English hope. Everton are not a big brand. They cannot offer Stones Champions’ League football and massive wages. Roman Abramovich’s Chelsea can.
But Everton can offer Stones a home where he can make mistakes and learn his trade. They can offer him loyal fans who do not turn up only to see their side win, and a young talented manager who wants to keep him.
The theory throughout an increasingly tortuous transfer saga has been that there would be an offer that would make Everton buckle, but by adopting such a strong position through their manager, the club have given themselves the best possibly chance of keeping Stones.
Should they do so, they will send a message to clubs in a similar position that they do not have to yield to the league’s biggest fish; that even when a player has formally expressed his desire to go, they can ensure that he sticks to the contract he signed and prevent a scenario in which a club as powerful as Chelsea make themselves even stronger at your expense.
TV Medium Colin Fry has died aged 53. The spiritualist, who appeared and made a handsome living from relaying impressions of messages from long/short-gone friends and family via programmes such as 6ixth Sense with Colin Fry, Psychic Private Eye and Most Haunted, had been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer back in April.
His manager David Hahn said: “Because of what he does (did surely?) he had no fear of dying”.
Anyone had a call from Colin, any flying objects around the house or non-alcoholic induced sense of the Fry presence? The perpetual tv’s very own Stephen Fry does not count.
No? Thought so.
Fear not, there’ll be another medium warming up to present Colin’s cold, sympathetic but very deadpan thoughts in half a failing heartbeat.
In readiness to shock to deadline on the corporate VMA awards, host Miley Cyrus appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live with most of her breasts exposed.
Kimmel was thought by many to be one of the three remaining human being not to have seen Cyrus’s breasts. Miley is now actively seeking an audience with the Pope and Lord Lucan, preferably both at once to save time before she can move on to stage 2 of Operation Primary Sexual Characteristics and show us her massive beefy knob.
Kimmel was keen to know if Miley’s dad had appraised his daughter’s naked chest.
“My dad’s cool, because I’m sure he’d maybe rather me not have my tits out all the time,” said Cyrus. “But he’d rather me have my tits out and be a good person than have a shirt on and be a bitch.”
Those are a pretty limited set of life choices in the Cyrus household.
“You know what I’ve learned? It’s not the tit—are you allowed to say ‘tit’ on your show?”added Cyrus. “Humans aren’t afraid of the human breast. It’s the nipple that’s the issue…Like, I’m showing my boobs and no one has a problem, but the nipples are covered, so somehow that’s OK. So America’s actually fine with tits. It’s nipples they don’t like.”
Which is great news for Donald Trump’s presidential campaign.
Today is 26th August, 2015 – the date that will echo throughout history as the day Sir Alex Ferguson joined the LinkedIn.
For those blissfully unaware, LinkedIn is a social networking site aimed at professionals. It is also responsible for generating almost 70% of the internet’s entire quota of unsolicited emails, but that’s really by-the-by. It is utterly useless.
Anyway, Sir Alex has created an account, billing himself as a “Director, Ambassador, Visiting Fellow and Author”. Yeah, we fibbed about the ‘dreamweaver’ bit. Apologies where due.
It should be visible here if you happen to be a LinkedIn member.
The 73-year-old former Manchester United manager has joined LinkedIn to coincide with the release of his latest book, ‘Leading’, in which he details the various managerial techniques he used to transform United into the global success they are today – screaming indecipherably in people’s faces, lacerating people’s eyebrows with flying Adidas Predators, that kind of thing.
Sadly, users will only be able to contact Sir Alex if they know him personally, thus depriving fans of rivals teams the opportunity to engage in direct slanging.
Damn shame. There could have been some decent mileage in that.
The Mayor of Warren in Michigan, Jim Fouts, is upset that youths are spending their pocket money on flamethrowers, which retail at a bargain $1,000 a go.
“This is something that is so potentially dangerous that it’s just unacceptable,” he says.
Fouts says he has no argument with the right to carry arms, it’s just that he only wants police to have flamethrowers. This way, after they’ve shot you in the face they can purify the crime scene and bar-b-cue your remains.
More scoops a -plenty in the trusty Daily Star, where journalism “clown” (source: Karim Benzema) Jack Wilson says Neymar wants to play for Manchester United.
Neymar wants to leave the mighty Barcelona for life under Louis Van Gaal in Manchester? Is he mad?
Jack Wilson has all the facts. And aside from the parts about Neymar wanting to play for Man United and Gerard Pique playing for Real Madrid (he plays for Barcelona at the Nou Camp; and unlike Madrid’s Sergio Ramos, the Spaniard never did use United’s interest to negotiate a pay rise) it’s all spot on.
All the animations seen in the music video were created in camera. No stopframe techniques, or computer super-imposing was used; what you see is what rolled off the camera. The animations in the side-on views were produced by the camera capturing the moving reflections from the mirrored carousels, and the animations in the top-down views were created by matching the cameras frame rate to that of spinning record. The transitions between each section of animation was created by simply cutting or wiping between the bits of footage.