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COMPARE and contrast the words of the Daily Mirror’s Martin Lipton on Manchester United and England player Phil Jones:
“Hodgson has always picked Jones as a defender and deployed him primarily at right-back” – December 5, 2013
Or as Lipton said when Brazil played England waaaaay back in June 2013:
“Jagielka and Cahill will play centrally in that back four, Carrick and Jones in front of them at the base of the midfield.”
FLASHBACK to August 8, 1977: A giant inflatable golliwog in the crowd greeting Queen Elizabeth II at Filton High School, Bristol, during her Silver Jubilee tour of Great Britain.
AMERICANS, and no-one else on Earth, have decided to turn their weddings into blockbusting events, with people recreating the Dirty Dancing movie, doing the dance from Thriller and generally spoiling it for everyone with a variety of stunts that are worse than a thousand flashmobs.
And so, to Florida, where a couple – Adam Bohn and fiancee Michelle – got hitched and wanted to do it with a bang.
ON the Sunday morning of 21 September 1969, a slightly-built Chief Inspector convinced some hippies inside a squat at a large five storey mansion at 144 Piccadilly to lower an improvised wooden drawbridge so doctors could help a seriously ill person inside. The drawbridge came down and Chief Inspector Michael Rowling flung himself bravely across the barricaded opening to establish a bridgehead. Suddenly a police sergeant blew his whistle and shouted “Come on lads – let’s go in!” and a hundred policemen, seemingly from nowhere, charged over the bridge and through the front door.
HUGE swathes of the press are incredibly excited about the Nigella Lawson court case because they’re getting loads of juicy information on her private life without having to rummage around in bins, tap phones or interview a soul!
Perfect for the modern, lazy hack.
However, it seems that no-one on Fleet Street has actually realised what is being revealed – that Nigella is actually very normal and that the life of a celebrity is crushingly similar to most people’s.
YOU’VE heard of Sharknado? Well, how about a Geesenami? That’s right. Someone caught, on camera rather than ‘by hand’, hundreds and hundreds of geese in flight.
Of course, this sounds a bit tedious like Springwatch. However, these geese were sat toddling around, all sinister, and then took off across some school playing fields.
WILLIAM Shatner, for his cover of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, is usually cited as the cardinal wrongdoer among the long list of actors and actresses taking a spin at a singing career. But I must confess, Shat’s spoken-word rendition has grown on me. His sincerity and hamminess are just freaking adorable. For that matter, The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins by his Star Trek comrade, Leonard Nimoy, is equally endearing.
No, this list has nothing adorable in it. There’s nothing charming about a single chord on these celebrity records – nothing to latch onto and attach some redeeming quality. These are objectively awful from the first note to the last.
“Rape” by Peter Wyngard (1970)
In France of course, where fun is greedy
The women are a little more seedy
And rape is hardly ever necessary
Marketing manager Nicola Baker explains: “The Culture Guide has proven to be enormously popular with cultural organisations and the public. It has also been an excellent form of promotion of the Hull City of Culture bid and was used extensively as a backdrop on the day when Hull was announced as the winner, being featured on national and international media reports.
“A large number of groups and individuals contributed suggestions of people, places and events for inclusion. Poppy Morgan is an acclaimed actress – albeit in the adult film industry. She won Best Female Actress of the Year at the 2006 UK Adult Film and Television Awards in London. This guide is clearly not about condoning porn but it is about celebrating Hull’s diversity of culture and entertainment.”
GOGGLES are offensive weapons. So too are masks made from plastic bottles. A Turkish court says so. It says such items are “weapons”.
You might have supposed swimming goggles to be defensive items, used to keep water and tear gas from reaching the eyes. But the Istanbul court says they are weapons.
weapon – noun: a thing designed or used for inflicting bodily harm or physical damage
IN Norway, the owners of a home found a secret room. It appears to have been occupied in World War 2, maybe by a member of the Milorg resistance. With the German invaders in Norway, and the country’s Government in exile in Britain, many thousands of valiant Norwegians refused to follow the Nazi-approved leader Vidkun Quisling and surrender.
SANTA is a busy man. First off, he has to get a load of occasional staff for the grotto, just like the Post Office do. He’s probably working them harder than Amazon too, but he’s got a sleigh that is propelled by flying elk, so he can do as he damn well pleases.
Let’s be honest here – Father Christmas is the Kanye of Yule. He’s bigger than Jesus and he knows it. He gets all the thanks and people leave him sherry and treats. What does Jesus get? Piss all.
NORWICH night owls are being invited to blow hard as they enter 30 of the city’s clubs. Norfolk police have issued the venues with breathalysers to help revellers gain “better knowledge” of their drinking.
So in touch are the police that the practise of testing free people for legal substances carries a hashtag. Venues testing patrons for booze boast the sign “Are you trollied? #DeepBreath”. These venues should be avoided. They are a kite mark for twattishness.
It’s the kind of patronising balls the tea-total police engage in. Adults are reduced to the role of lab rats being tested on a night out. Police say ”clubs will be expected to be responsible”. Because it’s responsible for a stranger – a bouncer, for gawd’s sake – to approach a woman and tell her to blow into his device.
IS anywhere safe from suspicious glares of social workers? No. In Essex, a woman has had her baby removed form her womb. Essex social service thought it a good idea to take the child from her mother’s womb by caesarean section
The baby snatchers went in armed with a High Court order. The mother, an Italian in the UK for a training course at Ryanair in Standsted, had suffered a mental breakdown brought on, her relatives believe, by her failure to take medication for her bi-polar condition. The panicking woman had called the police from her hotel room. They arrived when she was speaking to her mother. The older woman told police about her daughter’s condition.
They would ltake her to a hospital. But they took her to a psychiatric ward.
For five weeks she was imprisoned on a secure ward, sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
The social workers never told her they were going to take her baby. Meanwhile, the law said she could be forcibly sedated. She was. They strapped her down, The baby was cut out of her. For her own good. For her health and peace of mind.
BEFORE launching into the typical “Oh, aren’t those Seventies fashions so terrible” spiel, let’s get one thing out of the way: 70s’ fashions are an easy target because they took chances. Whenever you are bold you run the risk of becoming the butt of jokes. Today’s styles seem to abide by the “best not to make waves” approach – unlikely to cause much ridicule in future decades, but also fatally milquetoast. Not so the 1970s.
Attribute it to millions of emboldened Boomers coming of age or a staggering amount of recreational drug use. Either way the case is the same: 1970s fashions inspire equal parts awe and terror for denizens of the 21st century. Let’s take a look at the top five instances where this inspiring boldness went terribly, terribly wrong.
Are cult members stupid. Brainwashed? Or did they want to belong and made a conscious decision to join and remain?
Photo above: Actress Vanessa Redgrave at a press conference where she announced her intention to stand as a candidate for the Workers Revolutionary Party. Date: 12/02/1974
Aravindan Balakrishnan (Comrade Bala) and his wife, Chanda, 67, created the Workers Institute of Marxism- Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought. They are the group’s leading lights. Indeed, given that three members have just left, they could be the group’s only remaining members. New members might want to rework that name.
The Workers’ Institute of Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought declared in 1977. (Via)
When beloved Chairman Mao passed away on September 9, last year, our comrades worked tirelessly to transform our profound grief into great strength. Right in the heart of the revolutionary base area in Brixton we have opened from October 1, 1976, the MAO ZEDONG MEMORIAL CENTRE – a workers’ Centre, Library and Bookshop – the only one of its kind in the world. Thousands of working people have visited the Centre and hundreds of them have participated in the vigorous revolutionary programme (meetings, film shows, etc.) conducted by the Institute. A steady core of them are now attending regularly the Political Evening School and the theoretical study groups which popularise invincible Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought at the Centre.
This new development in Britain, has taken the British fascist state by storm. In its vain attempt to escape the verdict of history it has spared no efforts to intimidate and harass the comrades of the Institute. Arrests, expulsions from jobs, evictions, psychological warfare in various forms, etc. have not in any way restrained our comrades, workers and intellectuals, men and women, young, middle-aged and old, of different nationalities of the world, from being the devoted soldiers of beloved Chairman Mao in the imperialist heartlands. Our comrades have steeled themselves in acute and violent class struggles in the past two years. Fearing neither hardship nor death in upholding the proletarian revolutionary line of Chairman Mao and following closely our great, glorious and correct Party, the Party of World Revolution, we are preparing ourselves to greet the greatest event in the history of mankind – the victory of world people’s revolution and the establishment of the International Dictatorship of the Proletariat!
March 31, 1977
He had a great slogan:
Photo: View of the grave of Marxist philosopher Karl Marx (1818-1883) in Highgate Cemetery East in Highgate, north London.
If it can all be dismissed as a cult, have all Marxists lost their minds?
Photo: Mick Hume, Claire Fox & Helene Guldberg (R) of LM Magazine. On 28/2/00 LM will be defending a libel writ, brought by ITN, for LM’s Publication of an article by Thomas Deichmann which looked at ITN’s coverage of the Trnpolje camp in August 1992. * At the High Court in London. Bosnian-Serb camp. Date: 12/01/2000
Rod Liddle has investigated. He speaks with Anorak’s pal and former cult members Brendan O’Neill and Big Issue founder John Bird, who pretty much nails it:
JUGGLING family life with global jihad can be taxing. Take, Samantha Lewthwaite, the so-dubbed White Widow who according to various expert reports (mostly based on the notion that black Islamists can’t shoot dead an unarmed child dead without s white overseer), masterminded the Kenya shopping mall massacre.
Today the Sunday Times tells us that “world’s most wanted female terrorist suspect — the widow of one of the July 7 bombers — was making plans to open a juice and frozen yoghurt bar as she allegedly plotted to kill British tourists in Kenya”.
WHAT do we know about Bulgaria? Well, the story goes that the country is making ready to relocate to Melton Mowbray. Time to know more about our new neighbours:
TO Georgia, USA, where 34-year-old Joe Hendrix man shot dead 72-year-old male Alzheimer’s sufferer Ronald Westbrook (above), who was lost.
IN 1922, Walt Disney brought us the Little Red Riding Hood laugh-o-gram. This was Walt Disney’s first full-length short cartoon.
* In 1915, Disney founded the Laugh-O-Gram Studio in Kansas City, Missouri, inviting some of animation’s future greats, including Iwerks, Hugh Harman, Friz Freleng, and Rudolph Ising, to create fairy tale cartoons. This program features six of these tales: Little Red Riding Hood (aka Grandma Steps Out), Jack the Giant Killer (aka The KO Kid), Puss in Boots (aka The Cat’s Whiskers), Goldie Locks and the Three Bears (aka The Peroxide Kid), The Four Musicians of Bremen, and Newman Laugh-O-Grams. Iwerks, a Kansas City native, followed Disney to Hollywood, where he was instrumental in the creation of the Alice Comedies and the transformation of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit into Mickey Mouse.
The Gaffer Tapes
THIS week Sports Minister Helen Grant became the latest politician to execute the self-destructive manoeuvre we shall refer to as ‘live quiz fail’ – the embarrassing failure to correctly answer questions pertaining to one’s own specialist field. Ms Grant, who claims that sport is in her DNA, was asked a series of simple quotations such as ‘Who is the current female Wimbledon champion?’ and ‘Which team won the FA Cup this year?’ A seemingly harder question concerning Maidstone United FC was put to her because the club resides in her parliamentary constituency – although ‘Manchester United because it’s my favourite club’ as she declared in the interview.
CHEESE Whiz – aka Cheese Billy Whizz – was once sold as the product that gave your day a kick in the nervous system.
Cheese Whiz is , of course, utterly revolting, more reminiscent of the secretions that ooze form a cow’s nose than the udders. But maybe it can be disguise even more horrible food?
From the Urban Dictionary:
1. Artificial cheese. One chemical away from being seran wrap.
2. Lethal spray cheese it can kill a person if used wrongly.
3. BAAAAAH i looooove ma cheez whizz!!!!! i no i waaaaaaaaaaant it!”cheez whiz, you know you want it!”
4. (a) Essence of pure cheezy goodness; (b) Common anal lubrication; (c) Cause of human suffering (i.e., sexually transmitted diseases).
5.the greatest person the world has ever seen. As in “i like cheese”; “i love cheez wiz, hes the greatest person ever”
It’s 1958, and cheese whiz goes with anything but, oddly, nothing really goes with cheese whizz:
James Lileks links cheese military muscle:
I’ve never understood why nations with great cheese don’t have better armies.
If the USA gets cheese will it become more – gulp! – French?
Did you ever attempt the Seacoast Casserole from the 1960s? Fishermen in peril would smear it on their heads and to attract rescuers.
Looks like Mustard!
This little guy never did need a high-vis jacket:
In 1986, it was hot.
The cheese-gunk was invented by Edwin Traisman, a food scientist from Wisconsin. He also managed to stanadardize McDonald’s French fries. Lisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s, said of Mr. Traisman: “He truly made a significant contribution to McDonald’s fries.”
* While he was at Kraft, from 1949 to 1957, Mr. Traisman led the team that combined cheese, emulsifiers and other ingredients into the bright yellow sauce called Cheez Whiz, a topping for corn chips, cheese steaks and hot dogs. It was introduced in 1953.
WHEY, CANOLA OIL, MILK, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, MALTODEXTRIN , SODIUM PHOSPHATE, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF WHEY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, SALT, LACTIC ACID, SODIUM ALGINATE, MUSTARD FLOUR, WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE (VINEGAR, MOLASSES, CORN SYRUP, WATER, SALT, CARAMEL COLOR, GARLIC POWDER, SUGAR, SPICES, TAMARIND, NATURAL FLAVOR), SORBIC ACID AS A PRESERVATIVE, MILKFAT, CHEESE CULTURE, OLEORESIN PAPRIKA (COLOR), ANNATTO (COLOR), NATURAL FLAVOR, ENZYMES.
Other uses for Cheese Whizz.
Fancy making your own? Sandy Szwarc says Cheese Whizz is all healthy. And this is how you make it:
Bring glyceryl esters of fatty acids to room temperature to increase their plasticity, then beat with sucrose to entrap air particles in the mix. Beat phosphatidylethanolamine into the matrix which is now a foam emulsion with droplets of glyceryl esters of fatty acids and dispersed air. Add amylopectin and amylose, the protein gluten, and sodium bicarbonate. Crosslinking occurs between disulphide bonds in the gluten, creating a rubbery texture, with air trapped in the mix. Heat the mix so that the air and dihydrogen monoxide particles expand making the foam rise, coagulate the ovalbumin and stiffen the lining of the cells. Amylopectin and amylose undergo gelatinisation which further stiffens the mix. The foam expands and becomes a solid gel with a light porous texture.
Just like mama used to make…
LOCAL news: The South Wales Evening Post has news:
Llwchwr Town Council the clerk Anthony Davies said that its current machine, which does not do colour, needed replacing. He added: “It would make good sense to have a new machine but members may wish to consider a colour copier.”
WHEN you die , you will ascend. You will rise up in Martin McSherry’s vertical cemetery. The Royal Danish School of Architecture students has showcased his design at the Oslo conference for Nordic cemeteries. His work has been commended as “a highly original contribution”.
He says: ”Existing cemeteries will slowly be removed to provide land to the city’s living souls. The vertical cemetery, with its open front, will become a significant part of the city and a daily reminder of death’s existence. In time, the city’s tallest and largest building will become a grave for all its citizens – the city’s ever-changing monument.”
There will be distinct floors for all believers and non-believers. Muslims, Jews, Christians and more will be slotted in. Who gets to see out eternity above whom is a moot point. But, then, the cemetery will grow because it’s modular. It can be like a religious game of jenga. You just have to lean to slot in together.
If Ikea did cemeteries, it would look a lot like this.
And it will grow and grow, the tower of decay casting a shadow over the city, creeping up on you. Death is not something that happens to other people. It’s creeping up on you.
Still, some things don’t change even with McSherry’s design: the dead love to be buried with a good view.
IN Sweden a man in his 60s is able to adopt a child. This one man has many – 90 – criminals convictions. He’s been in prison four times, most recently released in April this year. One conviction is for molesting his neighbour’s five-year-old daughter in 2004. In 2007, he was considered a danger to girls. He was given parenting training.
He now wants to adopt his ten-year-old stepson. He’s married to the boy’s mother. They wed in 2009. But she died. Before passing away she gave her consent for him to adopt the boy. The boy has no other relatives. He is disabled. His disability means he has not been questioned by the authorities.