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If you listen you can hear Manchester’s Beetham Tower grown in the wind.
Labour MP Tristram Hunt says he is “Beyond Excited’ to learn that Stoke is to get a branch of the Pizza Express restaurant chain.
Tristram Hunt is not a parody – why would anyone bother to make him up?
In Clickbait Football, the Metro has news on the Manchester United “reject” who could have been Louis Van Gaal’s Jamie Vardy.
The paper’s headline declares:
Stats: Man United reject proving he could’ve been LvG’s Vardy, he’s smashing records in Europe
Is it Lee Chadwick?
No. It’s Javier Hernandez. And the record he’s setting is:
Chicharito’s six Bundesliga goals immediately make him the highest scoring Mexican in German top division.
Diego Costa is more entertaining off the pitch than on it. The Chelsea striker “threw his substitute bib at Jose Mourinho and his toys out of the pram” after being dropped, says the Mirror in “Diddums Diego”.
The Independent agrees that Cost tossed his bib “at Jose Mourinho”.
Which he didn’t. If he did, then he missed.
The Sun says Diego was in a “rage” at being dropped for Chelsea’ match at Spurs. After the boring 0-0 draw, Costa went and sat on the team bus on his own.
The Mail calls him “stroppy Costa”, adding that Chelsea ” looked better off without him”.
The Express says Costa’s future at the Blues is in the balance.
As for Mourinho, well, he opined: “If he wants to hurt me it would not be with a bib. I have a good relationship with him. Diego is physically fine, no problems. He works well, every day his mood is positive, he is the positive guy in the team. I do not expect to have a player on the bench jumping and shouting because he is not playing.”
Best save the hissy-fits for the management team.
Jamie Vardy, Leicester City’s can’t-stop-scoring striker, is to star in a Hollywood film, says the Sun. Well, not him, but an actor playing the 28-year-old footballer.
And who might that actor be? Well, the Sun lines up Robert Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and Zac Efron.
To which the first question is: has anyone in Hollywood seen Jamie Vardy?
And then the season question: is Vardy’s catchphrase ‘Chat Shit Get Banged’ a working title?
Pictures of Princess Charlotte occupy the front pages of the Mail, Telegraph, Mirror and Express.
The Mirror says the child’s hair is “light brown – somewhere between the colour of Kate’s darks locks and William’s blond ones”.
The Mail says the photos taken by “proud Kate” show a child with a “sweep of dark hair and sparkling eyes”, making her “most definitely her mother’s daughter”.
Some confusion about the hair, then.
The Mail can’t make its mind up about anything – the headline to Rebecca English’s story on Kate’s mini-me tells us Charlotte’s a mini-him
The Mail than further contradicts itself by saying Charlotte’s “twinkling blue eyes are inherited from her father.” Maybe she has one of Wills’ eyes and one of Kate’s?
Make that three eyes, because the Mirror says “six-month-old Charlotte seems to have inherited her late gran Princess Diana’s big blue eyes”.
The Mail notes how she sits “unaided in a shabby-chic-look armchair” at the family’s 10-bedroom Anmer Hall pile. She is “gazing almost wistfully at something in the distance…perhaps her nanny, Maria Borrallo”, or perhaps at grandpa Charles whose talking to a pot plant and looking at her for traces of his own features.
The Express concludes that the child looks a “Lotte like her mum”. It assures all paparazzi that Charlotte is a “natural for the camera”. Phew!
The Mirror makes it a multimedia event, somehow noticing from two photos that Charlotte is “shrieking with delight”.
And on its goes. But what’s also bizarre about this story is the number of brand’s checked. Kate uses a Canon EOS 5D Mark II (Express) camera. Charlotte wears a dress by Liberty (Express) and ribbed baby pink tights by Amaia Kids (Mail). She looks at a Jelly Cat Fuddleworth Puppy (Mirror).
Is everything sponsored? Let’s hope so. It’s high time the Creosote Royals paid for themselves,
Which part of this Sun headline excites you the most?
Premier league star meets uniformed schoolgirl in street… then sends pics of his manhood just hours later
If it’s the part of the uniformed schoolgirl, then you might wonder if the Sun is approving in this observation or damning?
After all, the Sun does love a young woman in a school uniform.
Here’s former Page 3 stunna Sam Fox, who never was upbraided for slapping on a gym slip:
And there was this story:
The Sun told its readers:
“St.Trinian’s back with a bang – And they’re as wild and sexy as ever – FIFTY years after they first charged through the crumbling corridors of their school, the girls of St. Trinian’s are back. And they’re as wild and sexy as ever.”
“In an exclusive interview, Everett and Firth discuss our ‘pervy’ attitude to school uniforms and revealed how they overcame their public feud of 23 years to star in the film.”
And the tabloids carried this ad for Ryan Air:
Now, about that manhood…
Note: the woman referred to in the Sun’s headline is 18-year-old.
The Metro reports Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp as having said “nothing stopping Liverpool grabbing Marco Reus and Mats Hummels”.
Is that really what he said? Because last January the Metro reported that Reus had agreed to join Real Madrid – which he hadn’t done:
That balls was written by Jamie Sanderson, who is also the author of this latest news:
Klopp has revealed he could sign the pair, because there’s no clause in his exit contract from Dortmund preventing him.
He could buy any Dortmund player for Liverpool, then. Indeed, in another article the Metro says Klopp wants to bring Neven Subotic to Liverpool.
That’s three Dortmund players. The Express spots Klopp’s shopping cart and adds Mats Hummels, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Sven Bender and Ilkay Gundogan.
Can it be that Klopp will buy seven Dortmund players? We soon learn that the manager said:
…there could be a possibility – if we need a player then we could try. At this moment there is nothing to talk about. But there is no agreement that we can’t do business with Dortmund. There’s also no agreement that we can’t sell players to Dortmund!
One problem is that Hummels plays for Manchester United. He doesn’t? But we heard that he signed for them. We read that news in the Metro:
Such are the facts…
Can we relate to ISIS? Yes, says Brendan O’Neill, we can because they are like the worst of us.
ISIS hates everything about the West. Except the nanny state. It loves that. (Top: ISIS anti-smoking poster. Bottom: European anti-smoking poster.)
Death to the smokers!
A born-again Christian regrets stealing vinyl from Out On The Floor Records in London’s Camden Town 10 years ago. The thief realised that his religion looks unkindly on stealing, so he parcelled up the goods and sent them back to the shop.
He slipped this note between the record sleeves:
“Dear – when I was a teenager, I pinched a few records from you, about 10 years ago. I became a Christian not too long ago and wanted you to have these records – I hope you can put them to good use. Sorry, with regards.”
The haul includes records by The Cure, The Smiths and The Stone Roses.
Let us pray:
In San Francisco, police have found 27 baseball bats tied to poles. The bats are studded with nails. Is insurrection in the air?
Sgt. Michael Andraychak says it’s “very strange”.
Is San Francisco gearing up for a fight?
Manchester United have been “ion red alert” for Cristiano Ronaldo ever since the player they bought from Lisbon said he dreamt of playing for Real Madrid and duly left the club.
Today the Metro delivers yet another Ronald-to-United story:
Utter balls, of course. Tom Olver writes:
Manchester United transfer target Cristiano Ronaldo is ‘clear’ that he will leave Real Madrid at the end of the season…
Clear. No doubt.
Ronaldo’s countdown at Madrid began long ago and the legendary Portugal international is now considering his options away from the Bernabeu, according to Spanish news outlet El Confidencial.
Olver ends his report:
United may face stiff competition from Ligue 1 giants Paris Saint-Germain if Ronaldo does decide to move on next summer.
From being “clear” to leave, Ronaldo’s departure becomes an ‘if’.
Over on El Confidential, we read:
The fate of Cristiano Ronaldo, today, seems clear. His countdown as Real Madrid player launched himself long ago. Something privately repeated more than once, considering that the time has come to begin a new stage elsewhere.
Number of quotes from Ronaldo: nil.
Cynthia Robinson has died of cancer. The musician played trumpet with Sly And The Family Stone Roots drummer Questlove salutes her life:
… she wasn’t just a screaming cheerleading foil to Sly & Freddie’s gospel vocals. She was a KICK ASS trumpet player. A crucial intricate part of Sly Stone’s utopian vision of MLK’s America. Cynthia’s role in music history isn’t celebrated enough. Her & sister Rose weren’t just pretty accessories there to “coo” & “shoo wop shoo bob” while the boys got the glory. Naw. They took names and kicked ass while you were dancing in the aisle. Much respect to amazing CynthiaRobinson.
This video show Robinson and the Family in 1968:
Basil the elderly Jack Russell was out walking in Chapel Hill, Lincolnshire, when a shaft of plant got wedged up his urethra.
“He was walking like John Wayne when he ran back to us so I knew something was wrong,” says owner Jill Larcombe. “So I checked him and when I saw it I did a double take. I thought ‘oh my goodness, it can’t be’ – there was this stick-like shaft sticking three inches out of him. I tried to give it a little pull but he went ballistic.”
A vet, drugs and lubrication saved the day.
To Texas, where mother-of-three Mandy Wells, 32, tells police she “thought for minute that it was a bad idea” to provide alcohol and drugs to a party of 12-14 year olds but “did it anyway”.
Court documents allege Wells provided her “depressed” 14-year-old daughter and her pals with cans of Coors Light beer (is that alcohol?) and marijuana, which she loaded into a glass “Hello Kitty” pipe.
Wells allegedly confessed to, yes, letting the kids booze, and, yes, letting them get stoned, but she “kept them under control.”
These are the Calpol Kids who graduated.
Wells is being held in the Parker County jail in lieu of $20,000 bond. Her children are away with the social services and the fairies.
Upset at the long, long wait for flying cars, Arsenal have used a passenger jet to make the 14-minute flight from London Luton airport to Norwich ahead of Sunday’s game at Carrow Road.
The 115-mile journey from the club’s London Colney training ground to Norwich’s stadium would take around two hours by coach or train.
Plane Stupid, a network of grass root groups that keep tabs on the expansion of the aviation industry and help bring an end to ‘needless’ short haul flights, are upset. Intolerant Plane Stupid spokesperson Ella Gilbert tells the London Evening Standard:
Having lived in Norwich and Finsbury Park, I can tell you that this is a distance that you can do in two hours by train, without fuelling climate change. This is ridiculous.
Trains run on water and dreams. Fact!
I’m a life-long Gooner so I’m used to being occasionally embarrassed by my team, but I prefer them to wait until after kick-off before humiliating their supporters.
Don’t fly to Norwich, the Canaries aren’t worth it.
Presumably a match against a bigger team, say, Tottenham or Chelsea, is more worth it Have the helicopters readied. Driving is for the stupid…
When the Independent vowed to say no more on former reality TV contestant Katie Hopkins’s to-deadline polemics, we wondered if it would last. The paper’s story, headlined “Dear Katie Hopkins”, was an Indy manifesto:
“You don’t know us, but sometimes you retweet the articles we write about you. You might retweet this one, who knows. We’re writing today to say we’re ignoring you from now on.”
The open letter contained links to six Indy articles on outrageous things Katie Hopkins had uttered in other publications and social media. It was pretty clear that when Katie spoke, the Indy listened. But no more. That was then.
So how many articles has the Indy produced on Things Katie Hopkins Says since its open letter of September 25?
Answer : 26.
Why don’t they just employ her and cut out the middleman?
Taking 10-15 micrograms of LSD every morning can cure anxiety and insomnia. So says Dr James Fadiman:
People do it and they’re eating better, sleeping better, they’re often returning to exercise or yoga or meditation. It’s as if messages are passing through their body more easily.
Fadiman tells Vice:
‘This is total guesswork, but so many different conditions that I’ve seen are improved, it looks like it rebalances those pistons which are not in balance.
‘This may be in your central nervous system, it may be the brain stem, it may be that it’s improving function of mitochondria. One woman who had painful, crampy periods started microdosing and when her period came, she had no problems….
“But what many people are reporting is, at the end of the day, they say, ‘That was a really good day.’ You know, that kind of day when things kind of work.
“You’re doing a task you normally couldn’t stand for two hours, but you do it for three or four. You eat properly. Maybe you do one more set of reps. Just a good day. That seems to be what we’re discovering.”
“Madeline” is an LSD user:
“Microdosing of 10 to 20 micrograms (of LSD) allow me to increase my focus, open my heart, and achieve breakthrough results while remaining integrated within my routine. My wit, response time, and visual and mental acuity seem greater than normal on it.”
And, you know what, it might be safer than sugar, fat, carbs, and every other food we’re told to be scared of. Or not.
Can it be that Chelsea are ready to pay £45million for Bayern Munich’s Franck Ribery? Yes, says the Daily Mail. It’s true! The paper declares:
“Roman Abramovich to break the bank for Bayern Munich star”
That’s lot of cash for a 32-year-old. Indeed, Matt Lawton says it will “break the bank”.
Well, not quite. Roman Abramovich has already lent Chelsea over £1bn of his hard-earned cash. So what’s another £45m between pals? And, in any case, he’s broken that bank before.
The story goes:
Roman Abramovich has told new Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay to make signing Franck Ribery his top priority
Only, Mr Gourlay is not the Chelsea chief exec. He’s not even on the board, having left his post last year.
By now you’ll have noticed that the Mail’s story from 2009 was wrongly republished on its website this week. But other newspapers, like the Daily Mirror, which replayed the news on its transfer blog, did not spot the glaring error.
ESPN told us: “Chelsea may make Franck Ribery Transfer Move”
The Guardian added: “Football Transfer Rumours: Franck Ribery Chelsea for £45m”
Yeah, just £45m, Guardian readers:
Neither Man United nor Chelsea ever did bid for Ribery. He didn’t sign for Arsenal, either, although the Guardian did say he would:
Such are the facts.
Samal Ziyad (not his actual name) has a tattoo on his arm. It says ‘Long live the State of Israel’. Ziyad, who serves with the IDF’s Bedouin Trackers Unit, is an Arab and a Muslim. He is also a proud Israeli.
He tells Ynet:
“Since I was little my father has encouraged me to serve in the army and he taught me that Israel is our country too. There were always Israeli flags at home hanging so they face outside and pictures of Israeli leaders were always up on the walls.”
Guardian and BBC readers, this is your nightmare.
The Times has issued a clarification of a poll that was first reported in The Sun.
Aside the glaring errors, the poll was, er, spot on.
If you believe in free speech, the idea that nothing should be censored, that nothing is unsayable, then you should defend Ursula Haverbeck’s right to liberty. Haverbeck, a far-right Nazi fan, has been convicted of sedition in a German court for denying the Holocaust.
Ursula Haverbeck is a deeply-unpleasant individual. Her repeated Holocaust denial makes liars of the ghostly murdered and the honourable living who vow to never forget the German-state’s industrial murder of Jews, gypsies and other Untermensch who fell short of the ideal. At 87-years-old, it’s unlikely she’ll read any more books, listen to the facts and change her mind. Her cherished bigotry defines her. And that’s the way she likes it. In 2010, a Munich court gave this racist a suspended sentence of six months for much the same offence. She didn’t stop.
The question we are concerned with is why her words constitute a crime?
Haverbeck has been sentenced by the district court Hamburg to ten months imprisonment for telling a German TV show that Auschwitz was not an extermination camp, but a work camp, that millions of Jews were not murdered. Perhaps she thinks they drowned in their own sweat? But let’s not now delve into the Haverbeck mind. We’ve seen books, films, bones, tattoos, scars and testimonies to know the inside of her head is a poisonous and cramped place. The German prosecutor spoke of her “hair-raising bullshit” and “fanatical blindness”. We’ve seen enough.
Our problem is with the State deciding what can and cannot be said. Haverbeck and her supporters should be out-thought in open debate, their twisting of history and perversion of the mighty human spirit shown for what it is.
But criminal? If expressing your beliefs is criminal, then what of the ritualistic way in which Halal meat is killed? Those liberal Danes want it banned, reasoning that slitting an animals’s throat is barbaric and far less morally right than firing a bolt into its brain. Denmark’s minister for agriculture and food Dan Jørgensen told Denmark’s TV2 that “animal rights come before religion”.
In 2013 the Council of Europe read a report by former Germany MP Marlene Rupprecht, thought it rather brilliant and passed a resolution stating how it “is particularly worried about a category of violation of the physical integrity of children, which supporters of the procedures tend to present as beneficial to the children themselves despite clear evidence to the contrary. This includes, amongst others… the circumcision of young boys for religious reasons…”
Hang the Jews’ covenant with God that makes circumcision a must. The rights of a cow are more vital than Islamic mores and spiritualism. Ban it all. The defiant can wait for the glare of the searchlight and the Gestapo knock.
Let us be in no doubt. Once you allow the State to tell you what beliefs are criminal, however well-meaning the impetus behind the purge, the result is the same: repression, censorship, division and an abdication of free thought and will.
You wonder who is playing God – and why we let them…
A survey in January this year revealed that women do read newspapers.
But how do newspapers report on women?
These are today’s front pages:
The only women on the front pages are either advertising trinkets or / and showing lots of skin. The Scottish Daily Mail bucks the trend by showing a mother and daughter rowing.
And the backpages:
Women in sport? None.
In “Why I don’t want Arsenal to go through”, the Mirror leads its posts coverage with the words of Chelsea’s manager Jose Mourinho.
Reader can think of any number of reason why the manager of Chelsea wold prefer another London club to fail. But the given reason that “stokes rivalry with Arsenal” is that Mourinho “is mates with Olympiakos coach Marco Silva”.
“I would always like English teams to qualify, first. They [Arsenal] are in a group where a kid friend of mine is the manager of Olympiakos and it would be fantastic for the kid’s career to go through. So I have to be honest and say that I would like the kid and Olympiakos to go on, and we know that Bayern go through for sure.”
And, er, that’s it.But Adrian Kajumba has an entire column to fill with this nonsense, so he ploughs on, using every tabloid trick to eke sensation form the dull:
Jose Mourinho admits he WANTS Olympiakos to dump Arsenal out of the Champions League.
He admits – as in confesses, finally, his innermost secret’s extracted by incisive journalism. He “WANTS” in capital letters because he WANTS it so very badly.
But Kajumba soon tires, leaving the rest of his scoop to Mourinho, whose words “risk riling” Arsenal.
“Even doing a bad group phase – because to lose at home to Olympiakos and to lose in Zagreb and to lose six points they should win is bad – they can qualify. They can qualify. It’s not my problem, it’s their problem, but the reality is first of all they can qualify and secondly if they go into the Europa League then they become favourites [to win it]. So I think they can have success in the Champions League by going to the next round and they can succeed in the Europa League because then they become favourites, so I think they have a lot to play for.”
And so having answered a journalist’s leading question on Arsenal with an easy, even and fact-based answer, the Express reports on “Moutinho’s Arsenal dig”.
Such are the facts.