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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.

Alexander Litvinenko was murdered for free

The Daily Telegraph dashed out to read up on Polonium 2010, the radioactive poison used in 2006 to murder Russian spy in London.

The paper tells readers  is a “lethal but hugely expensive substance to manufacture”. It adds that Polonium 210 “would have cost “tens of millions of dollars if bought on the open commercial market”.

No. The World Health Organisation says it “can be derived from lead-containing wastes from uranium, vanadium, and radium refining operations”. In other words, Polonium 210 costs nothing to make on account of it being a waste product of the nuclear industry. You don’t need to buy it for ten of millions of pounds – not if you know a few high-ups in the Russian nuclear industry, say. They probably give the stuff away.

 

Posted: 21st, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


George Monbiot and Heathrow hooligans make a lot of noise about nothing

Heathrow 13“The Heathrow ‘hooligans’ are our modern day freedom fighters,”  says George Monbiot in the Guardian. We think of a freedom fighter fighting for choice, glory and human endeavour. Monbiot’s freedom fighter is someone who wants to stop you taking a package holiday.

They have been reviled as vandals, hooligans and lunatics. But to me, these people are heroes. The 13 women and men on trial this week for cutting through the perimeter fence around Heathrow airport and chaining themselves together on a runway were excoriated by police, passengers and politicians. (One of the defendants in the case is a member of the cooperative society that rents my house.) If convicted, they all face a possible prison sentence. But there are two trials here: the legal proceedings in a local magistrates court, and a test of something much bigger.

Aviation enjoys some astonishing exemptions from the civilising rules that constrain other sectors. Other industries must limit the noise they make; but aircraft, thanks to an obscure clause in the 1949 Civil Aviation Act, are exempt.

Wrong. Says the Government:

Noise is regulated to some extent at all UK airports. This can include noise limits and restrictions on night flights.

Gatwick Airport has more:

The rules for night time

Until 1962, the government had no policy on night noise, and airlines were free to fly into and out of the airport at any time. Since 1962, in response to increasing community concern about noise, the government has tightened the rules…

The night time rules apply from 23:00 until 06:00. There is also a ‘shoulder period’ at either end of the night, with slightly less strict rules – that is 23:00-23:30 and 06:00-07:00.

From 23.30-06:00, the rules allow for a limited number of flights and a limited amount of noise over the whole summer or winter season. The number of flights is based on a points or ‘quota’ system relating to each plane’s noise levels.

On top of the quota system, there is also an absolute limit on the number of flights permitted at the airport. Under the quota system, the airport has a total number of ‘quota points’, which are then used up by night time flights. Different types of planes use up different numbers of points, depending on how noisy they are.

The noisiest aircraft use 16 points of the quota, and they’re called QC16s (QC = Quota Count). The next noisiest have eight points – QC8s. As planes get quieter, their points get smaller until the quietest planes have just half a point or are exempt altogether.

During the night quota period the noisiest types of planes are not permitted to be scheduled. Because there is a limit on the airport’s total quota of points for night-time flying, this system encourages airlines who want to fly at night to use the quietest aircraft.

Monbiot is utterly wrong, then. There rare rules governing noise at airports.

He then utters:

Airlines operate in a legislative vacuum, a transnational, extralegal limbo, accountable nowhere and to no one. As a result they threaten everything that was agreed at December’s climate talks in Paris.

No shareholders. No staff. No laws. Nothing and no-one.

You can do a course in aviation law at the Air Transport Association (IATA), which begins by telling anyone:

International air transportation is governed by a complex and fragmented system of global regulatory agencies

Being an expert on such things is far simpler at the Guardian.

Posted: 21st, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Lord Janner: 3 missed chances, a self-serving CPS inquiry and allegations now fact

lord janner daily mirror

 

Westminster paedos: a look at reporting on the story of sex crimes in high places.

The Daily Mirror has been at the forefront of the allegations of murderous paedophiles protected by the Establishment. Today over pages 6 and 7 it looks at the late Lord Janner, a former Labour MP and peer who died an innocent man. The story, however, is that he dodged justice. He was accused of 2 counts of sex offences against boys between the 1960s and 80s. He never stood in the dock.

“Lord Janner Child Sex Abuse Probe ‘Shambles – they had 3 chances to charge him. It was just one big cover up.”

Lord Janner is now covered by earth, what with his having been buried, if not exactly laid to rest.

Failures by police and prosecutors allowed Lord Janner to escape child sex charges three times, a damning independent inquiry has revealed.

Janner is damned! How’s that for rough justice.

But a man who told detectives Janner abused him as a boy has denounced the report as another Establishment whitewash. Paul Miller, 52, one of 25 alleged Janner victims, said: “This report is another cover up. Nobody has been named yet again. The people who failed the victims should be named and held accountable.”

The story continues:

The independent inquiry’s report published yesterday said  it was ‘wrong’ Janner…had not been charged  with child abuse in 1991. It added that police and the Crown Prosecution Service  also failed to act in 2002 and again in  2007 despite there being a ‘realistic prospect’ of convicting him.”

The independent inquiry was commissioned by the director of public prosecutions. It was carried out by retired High Court Juge Sir Richard Henriques. He says: “I have concluded that the decision not to charge Janner was wrong and that there was enough evidence against Janner on December 4 1991 to provide  a realistic prospect of conviction.”

 

janner guilty

 

Page 10: “Voice of the Mirror.”

Voice of the Mirror: Victims of Lord Janner need the truth

Not alleged victims. “Victims”.

For decades the former Labour MP Lord Janner preyed on vulnerable children.

Justice denied is judgement delayed until the accused is dead. Guilty!

He is now dead but he leaves behind a legacy of wrecked lives, trauma and misery. The authorities have serious questions to answer as to why they failed to press charges against Janner. All the evidence points to a cover-up by an establishment either too fearful to prosecute one of their own or which, in the worst instance, deliberately concealed his wrongdoing.

Daily Mail Page 16: “How Janner dodged justice 3 times”

What about the law and all those barriers to justice?

The Sun Page 13: Jane Moore says, “Protect victim of serial liars.”

Last week, nearly a year after 20 officers raided Lord Bramall’s home, the Met police issued a churlish statement in which it said there was “insufficient evidence” to pursue the claim against him. “Zero evidence” might have been a better description.

He has expressed his frustration that the Met described his accuser’s claims as “credible and true” before he even knew he was under investigation… is it possible that the culture of Jimmy Savile and police failure to act has prompted the pendulum to swing too far the other way?

Lord Bramall questions whether detectives had carried out a “partial and objective” investigation and suggested they lacked judgment because they were “terrified” of being accused of covering something up. In other words, it has become a victim-centric culture where all accusers are believed even when the most cursory of initial checks might suggest something doesn’t quite add up.

The dead are always guilty. The living are always clean and keen to emphasis that “lessons have been learnt”.

As Director of Public Prosecutions Alison Saunders says:

“The inquiry’s findings that mistakes were made confirms my view that failings in the past by prosecutors and police meant that proceedings were not brought. It is a matter of sincere regret that on three occasions, opportunities to put the allegations against Lord Janner before a jury were not taken. It is important that we understand the steps which led to these decisions not to prosecute, and ensure that no such mistakes can be made again.”

Daily Express Page 6: “Outrage at ‘three missed chances’ to charge Janner over sex abuse claims”

The Express points to failures by police and Crown lawyers. It says the police failed to listen to the alleged victims. The police never do listen. They talk and expect us to hear. Time to name them and the lawyers. Or are we waiting for them to die before they can be questioned?

 

Posted: 20th, January 2016 | In: News, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


School uniform news of the day: Yorkshire teenagers sent home for too-tight trousers

too tightOne popular subject matter for the tabloids is the school child sent home for wearing unsuitable kit.  The Barnsley Chronicle reports on Barnsley Academy in South Yorkshire, which has been “measuring the width of pupils’ trouser legs since last week”.

“Less than ten centimetres is a breach of school rules apparently. It’s totally ridiculous,” says Jane Ogden, of Worsbrough, whose daughters Ellie, 14, and Mollie, 12, were excluded from the Academy two days on account of their “oo-tight trousers.

The Academy’s website has more: “There is an increasing number of students wearing tight fitting trousers. Tight fitting trousers are unacceptable and are not allowed in the academy.”

Never had this trouble in the 1980s. It’s Madness, I tell ye. Madness!

 

Posted: 19th, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Norway clocktower chimes Lemmy and David Bowie songs every day

To Oslo, where the 49 bells in the clocktower on City Hall  play Changes by David Bowie and Electricity by Lemmy Kilmister’s Motörhead at 6pm and 7pm respectively. This will continue until May 31st.

 

Spotter: Metal Hammer

Posted: 18th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Naked photos of Princess Margaret, a Tory paedo and an honest villain

daily mirror front pagesJust when you thought the story of paedophiles in high place had died on its arse, the Daily Mirror brings news. We no longer need rely on ‘Nick’ to blow the whistle on VIP paedos in Westminster because we have a convicted felon to tell all.

Hatton Gardens heist boss Brian Reader was horrified when his gang broke into a bank vault and found sickening photos of a leading politician abusing children.

‘We might be thieves but we don’t go in for blackmail,’ ma’am. It’s all about standards.

But the notorious crook was shocked further when the thieves left the pictures for police to find – only for the Tory Cabinet minister’s crimes to be hushed up.

Crooks trust police to solve sickening crimes! Read all about it!

Reader, known as The Guv’nor, is facing jail for planning last year’s £14million Hatton Garden raid and claims about his previous high-profile break-in can now be revealed for the first time.

Reader will very soon have an actual Guv’nor to tuck him in of a night.

A close confidant of 76-year-old career criminal Reader said: “It was a shock for them when they found photographs of a famous ­politician abusing children. The gang were disgusted and left them lying on the floor of the vault for the police to find but nothing was ever done.”

Not one career villain thought, ‘Allo! this could be our ‘Get out of jail free card.’ They just dropped the sick images on the floor and scarpered.

The Government of the time allegedly forced the press to stop reporting on the burglary as a matter of national security amid allegations raunchy photos of the late Princess Margaret were found in another safety deposit box in the vault.

Raunchy? Got to love the Mirror that manages to cover a story from the 1970s by employing the language of that time. And as for being forced to stop reporting, well, isn’t the Mirror a, er, newspaper. Can it ask old staffers to confirm or deny that allegation? The paper can’t say for certain what it was doing on the night of Monday, September 13, 1971. Can’t today’s scoopsters just ask Tony Miles, who was the Mirror’s editor during that period, if a D Notice was issued?

But the latest claims, revealed to the Daily Mirror, are more disturbing and further evidence of the Establishment cover-up of powerful paedophiles.

No. They are evidence of nothing. They are a claim by an unnamed source who knows a villain.

We are not naming the politician, who has since died and was never publicly linked to allegations of child sexual abuse.

Why spoil the fun. Name away. He’s dead. And what’s that part about not being “publicly linked to allegations”? Was he linked to allegations in private?

But we have passed details to the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse, which is set to examine claims against Labour peer Lord Janner, who died before facing trial for child sexual abuse, and Lib Dem MP Cyril Smith, whose paedophilia was exposed after his death.

Dead. Dead. And dead. What’s one more corpse to kick around.

Inquiry chairman Judge Goddard said in November: “We will conduct an objective fact-finding inquiry into allegations of abuse by people of public prominence associated with Westminster.”

More or less objective than the Mirror’s story of a missing photo of an unnamed “TORY CHILD ABUSER”?

“The investigation will focus on high-profile allegations of child sexual abuse involving current or former Members of Parliament, senior civil servants, Government advisers, and members of the intelligence and security agencies. It will consider allegations of cover-up and conspiracy and will review the adequacy of law enforcement responses to these allegations.”

Well, if that’s what the State’s judge says…

Over pages 4 and 5 we hear moe of “The Guv’nor”, a name-de-crime the Mirror hopes will lend his statement credibility. Villains named Matt The Talc, Fingers or Skull Cracker are less trustworthy. And don’t get us started on Tony Bagels.

If the images found by Reader had been made public at the time, it would have caused a massive ­political scandal.

Well, yes. If.

In 1971, he was beginning a criminal career spanning five decades which would involve him in raids worth more than £150million and make him Britain’s biggest thief. His gang had spent months planning the Baker Street job. They rented a leather goods shop, two doors up from the bank, and then tunnelled 40ft from the shop ­basement into the vaults. Once inside, they ransacked 268 safety deposit boxes – nearly four times the 73 opened by the Hatton Garden gang.

Was he the Guv’nor back then? Or was he a Junior?

A second source, a gang member, previously told the Mirror in 2008 that child pornography was found in the vaults but did not give further details. He said: “We were disgusted and left it in their open boxes so police could trace the owners.”

Exhibit a: Items found in open boxes left by villains after a raid. Yes, we can see that one standing up in court.

“We didn’t want to take anything that might give us extra trouble. All we wanted was cash and jewels.”

Gawd bless ’em.

At the time of the raid, Princess Margaret’s marriage to Antony Armstrong-Jones, Earl of Snowdon, was in its final stages. In the 60s and 70s the Queen’s sister was known to party hard on the Caribbean island of Mustique… She is said to have taken snaps of male friends frolicking naked but it is not known if any were ever taken of her.

Oh?

The ex-raider would only say: “I can’t talk about that.”

At which point a flag lowers, the Great British villains bow their heads, tug a forelock and say as one, “Nuffink wiv women or kids.”

 

Posted: 18th, January 2016 | In: News, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Warning: Big Foreign Worms Invading Britain

worms as big as snakes

 

Big news in the Daily Star: “Worms as big as snakes are invading Britain.”

Is that big? The world’s smallest snake – named Leptotyphlops carlae – is 10cm (4 inches) long and “as thin as a spaghetti noodle”.  There are 3,100 known snake species. The world’s longest snake is a reticulated python – 7.67 m (25 ft 2 in) long.

Bow big is this invading worm? “More than 2ft long,” we learn.

“Experts warn the beasts, which are already the size of a newly-hatched adder, could grow ‘bigger and bigger”.

An adder is poisonous. A long worm is not. And these long worms – “slithery predators” – have been found only on the “remote Isle of Rum, off Scotland”.

 

Map-of-Scotland-clear

 

 

Jeff Farrell’s story make no mention of how these worms have launched an invasion. The Star once supported the EDL. The fear is that self-styled British patriots are right now hunting down Lumbricus terrestris for slaughter and deportation.  But the worm is also known as the “common earthworm”, a creature native to the British Isles. Although fears they they have radicalised in Scotland are hard to disprove.

 

 

Posted: 18th, January 2016 | In: News, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Investigate Nick: Lord Bramall wants police to go after man who accused him of sex crimes

lord bramallLord Bramall was once head of the British Army. He achieved prominence in more recent times because someone told the police he’d abused them. Last Friday, Lord Bramall was, 92, was cleared of all any any wrong doing. In between the accusation and being cleared, the Lord saw his home raided by police working with Operation Midland .

They found nothing to prove the allegation.

Operation Midland is described thus by the BBC:

Established in November 2014, Operation Midland is examining claims that boys were abused by a group of powerful men from politics, the military and law enforcement agencies at locations across southern England and in London in the 1970s and 1980s. It is also examining claims that three boys were murdered. Operation Midland has focused on the Dolphin Square estate in Pimlico, south-west London.

Bramall now says police should take a closer look at ‘Nick’, the figure who told the police about the alleged dead boys and the rape. He says: “I think he should be. My lawyers suggested to the police when we…knew they had absolutely nothing: surely Nick should be prosecuted for wasting police time?”

Tory MP Bob Stewart agrees: “I can’t believe the police would even entertain such claims against a man like Bramall. Why can’t they bring charges against the man making these claims?”

Wasting police time, or police wasting their own time in what critics have labelled a witch-hunt and an exercise in police PR.

The Sunday Times:

Nick’s allegations followed claims that a VIP paedophile ring involving politicians, military figures and spy chiefs had operated at the heart of Westminster. So far police have failed to substantiate this.

‘So far?’ Bit leading that comment, no?

Posted: 17th, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Council leader dressed man as elderly woman for bogus news conference

news conference man dressed as a woman

 

It is a widely held belief that to render yourself completely invisible, you need only look ‘old’. Mindful of that, we look at events in Branston, Rhode Island, where director of senior services department Sue Stenhouse is stood by an elderly woman at a press conference.

She’s there to salute a new city programme “connecting high school students with seniors who need help shovelling snow this winter”.  The OAP has a sign identifying her as “Cranston senior home resident”.

 

news conference man dressed as a woman 1

But all is not as it seems. The snow has been scraped up from a city ice rink. The old woman is a man, a local van driver, who was, reportedly, invited by Stenhouse to dress like an old lady. Rumbled, Stenhouse has resigned. We don’t know about the man, but look out for him being voted Brantson Woman of The Year 2016, or dying alone and unheralded.

 


YouTube link.

 

Posted: 17th, January 2016 | In: News, Strange But True | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Witch Hunt Update: Lord Janner Case Dead And Buried (Like Him)

lord janner

Daily Mirror, 3rd December 1991

 

Lord Janner is in the clear.

That the peer and former Labour MP is dead is not part of his plea. Plans were to try his corpse in a court of law in what is laughably called a ‘Trial of The Facts’, a phrase that overlooks the key point that facts are hard to make factual if only one side of the argument is heard.

No official word as yet from anti-paedo MPs Tom Watson (“he’s evil”) and Simon Danczuk (“Phwoar- gerrumoff”).

Posted: 15th, January 2016 | In: News, Politicians | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Scientist says global warming creates humans with webbed fingers, three eyes and more hair

We glimpse into the future with paleoanthropologist Dr. Matthew Skinner of the University of Kent. He says that as the world’s temperature alters, we will see humanity adopt. You will grow webbed feet and fingers, a third eyelid and lots of hair.

 

You next Wednesday

He’s a doctor. HeKate Middleton next Wednesday

 

People of the Forest of Dean, Norfolk and Westminster, as you are.

 

 

[Daily Mail | Photo: Pinterest]

Posted: 14th, January 2016 | In: News, Technology | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Bowie: the most ludicrous tribute of them all

This might be the most trite David Bowie tribute of the lot. In New Zealand one local paper asks ‘whose shirt are you wearing?’ ‪#‎davidbowie‬

 

bowie tribute

 

Next week: which tin can is your favourite?

Posted: 14th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail publishes ‘loving’ picture of dying kangaroo being raped

kanagaroo dying

 

Jane Fryer sees the picture of the kangaroos “in the shade of a Australian mango tree”. She sees the “last loving embrace for a dying kangaroo”. Fryer says the male kangaroo “tired to revive his mate” as his little joey looked on.

The loving male’s revival technique, says Australian Museum Principal Research Scientist Dr Mark Eldridge, involves attempting to insert his penis into her dying body.

 

kanga dead sex

 

Says the expert:

There is a story behind the images, but not the anthropomorphised version of true love that has accompanied the images in publications. The male, which appears to be lovingly “cradling the head” of the female as she dies, is actually in a state of sexual arousal.

“The male is clearly highly stressed and agitated, his forearms are very wet from him licking himself to cool down. He is also sexually aroused: the evidence is here sticking out from behind the scrotum (yes, in marsupials the penis is located behind the scrotum).”

Kangaroos are extremely sensitive to heat, says Dr Eldridge. Furthermore, the kangaroo is not, unfortunately, “propp[ing] up her head so she could see her joey before she died”. Instead, says Dr Eldridge, “this is a male trying to get a female to stand up so he can mate with her.”

Cancel the Disney movie.

 

Posted: 14th, January 2016 | In: News, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Oh No! They’ve made David Bowie a role model, like the Queen Mum

David Bowie is being praised in death by such unlikely sources as the BBC, Daily Mail and every other media outfit who favours the safe over the daring.

The Daily Star is leading calls for a State Funeral.

 

bowie state

When did David Bowie become the Queen Mother? He never drank that much…

Posted: 13th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Beating back pain over and over in the Daily Express

How dod I beat back pain? Funny you should ask. The Daily Express has news on just how to beat back pain.

 

daily express back pain

 

Standing up and moving forward – i.e. walking – can help.

Giles Shedrick has facts:

Seven in ten people have suffered recurring neck or back twinges for more than a decade, research has shown. The pain has forced three in ten to take time off work. Last year almost 10 million sick days were taken.

This augments Giles’s previous reports:

September 2015:

The official figures show seven people in 10 have lived with recurring neck or back pain for more than a decade and three in 10 took time off work last year… The number of sick days caused by the condition rocketed by 29 per cent to almost 10 million in the year to 2014.

Scoop!

Posted: 12th, January 2016 | In: News, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


New York Times RIP: ‘It’s a good time to be David Bowie’

The British dead tree Press utterly missed David Bowie’s death. The USA had a few hours more to digest news of the Thin White Duke’ passing. And it still managed to balls it up:

 

new york times david bowie

 

Spotter: @brianstetler

Posted: 11th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Cameron has died: newsreader mistakes PM for David Bowie

david cameron dies

 

David Cameron has died. Well, so says Fiona Winchester, a newsreader for Heart FM.

Whoops! Her mistake.

That’s David Bowie who died. Spot the difference?

 

Posted: 11th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, News, Politicians, TV & Radio | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Coroner shares his hilarious response to a court-room exchange

One Coroner in court has shared his response to cross-examination:

Courtroom Exchange Of The Day

 

Spotter: Tumblr

Posted: 9th, January 2016 | In: News | Comments (13) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Star stirs fear of migrant perverts and filthy idiots abroad

daily star immigrants

 

The Daily Star once supported the EDL. The paper today brings news that “MIGRANT PERVERTS” are a “THREAT TO UK GIRLS”.

Surely more perverts means more customers for the Daily Star (see more on the paper’s Page 3) and the paper’s owner Richard Desmond’s porn TV stations, on which you can watch such wholesome films as Jim Slip’s Euro 18s and A Filthy Idiot Abroad.

express(Mr Desmond also owns the Express which leads with news that more migrants “WILL LEAD TO MORE SEX ATTACKS”.)

So much for the foreign pervs. What of the news?

Matthew Young writes:

“Women in Britain have been warned they could be targeted by immigrants arriving from the Middle East.”

Well, they could be. They could also not be.

Criminal gangs carried out sex attacks in four cities across Germany on New Year’s Eve, assaulting and robbing 150 women.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 8th, January 2016 | In: News, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Wotsits: the tabloids’ favourite fat snack

wotsits

 

The Sun newspaper loves Wotsits and those people who eat the cheesy puffs.

WOTSIT?

I’ve lived on Wotsits and chocs for 12yrs – 2008

Back then we met Rachel Scowcroft, 12, who had eaten one hot meal in her life: “her nightly dinner of Rice Krispies covered in melted chocolate.”

Rachel said:

“It’s not that I’m trying to be awkward. But whenever I try new food I get scared. I don’t like anything that’s not crunchy – or anything that’s too crunchy.”

WOTSAT?

You silly bunch of wotsits! – 2006

MUM Hilary Buckland has blasted a council which fined her £75 for dropping a Wotsit snack out of her car window.

WOTSON?

Wotsit all about? James Corden has not let U.S. success stop the snacking – 2015

Says TV’s James:

“There’s a British shop two minutes away from my house. I go in and they’re holding a bag of Wotsits for me.”

YOUWOT?

Bigfoot ate my Wotsit! – 2015

The Sun cheated a little. This was no Wotsit:

Twice divorced Adam Davies – a former call-centre worker turned monster detective [!!!!] –  has spent almost 20 years and £60,000 tracking the hairy knuckle-dragger across the globe without ever once catching sight of him. If only he hadn’t gone to his tent when the monster dropped by for a Cheeto – a US snack similar to a Wotsit.

WOTZAT?

I hit 20st scoffing 10,000 bags of Wotsits and giant choc bar every day for 5 years – 2016

Meet Jo HUMPAGE (our capital letters.) Says Jo Humpage:

“When I nipped to the shop in the morning to get milk, I’d buy a super-sized Dairy Milk bar and six bags of Wotsits. I’d eat the chocolate on the way home then munch the crisps throughout the day.”

Mysteriously, she put on weight.

Every few months, Jo — who is married to HGV driver Ros, 43 — expanded by another dress size.

Non-British readers may wonder what all the fuss is about. A Wotsit is a decent enough snack. But what it lacks in nutrients it more than compensates for in its name. Saying ‘Wotsits’ is enjoyable. It’s pretty much the entire point of the Sun’s Food Beat: find a Wotsit story.

 

Posted: 7th, January 2016 | In: News, Strange But True | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Simon Danczuk: Oral sex, rape and Rochdale lab rats

danczuk

 

Danczuk: a look at Labour MP in the media.

The Sun: “Karen Danczuk probed by police over oral sex claim against sex-text MP’s ex”

Probed. Eu!

EXCLUSIVE: Selfie queen claimed love rival romped with married MP

It’s tight sportswear fan Karen Danczuk, the woman for whom the internet is but a virtual mirror.

SIMON Danczuk’s former wife Karen faces a police probe after accusing his ex-girlfriend of sleeping with another Labour MP. The selfie queen hit out at Claire Hamilton, who had said shamed Danczuk was unfit to be a politician.

Two things in reverse order: we get the MPs we deserve. Is Danczuk a good constituency MP? Dunno. Is a media hound? Yep.

Karen, 32, who has been supporting her ex-husband since his split from Claire last month, tweeted: “You forgot to say which married Labour MP gave you oral sex 24 hours before getting with SD.”

STD? Ooops! Sorry. Our mistake. It’s SD. And which married Labour MP is  being hinted at?

Claire, who last night denied the allegation, demanded Karen remove it from Twitter.

Great, isn’t it, this story of sex, sex, selfies, sex, sex, tweets, sex and uniforms.

Karen refused so Claire called cops, who are investigating.

The police? A tweet is police matter. In our country a tweet is a potential crime. The politicians made that happen. See, you get the politicians you deserve.

Claire, 32, said: “I’m prepared to take legal action because I can’t have that. She’s just trying to slander me because I revealed that Simon was texting a 17-year-old girl.”

Which he was.

When The Sun approached the married Labour MP Karen was referring to, who we are choosing not to name, he also denied it. He said: “That’s absolutely outrageous. I’ve never had a relationship with Claire Hamilton.”

Who mentioned a relationship? What about sex?

In other news…

The Indy: “Labour MP Simon Danczuk facing police inquiry over rape allegation”

Lancashire Police have confirmed that a complaint has been made against Mr Danczuk, the MP for Rochdale, regarding an alleged incident that occurred in 2006, according to the Manchester Evening News.

Go on…

A spokesman for the force told the paper said: “We can confirm that we have today received a report of a rape against a 49-year-old man relating to an historic offence from 2006. Enquiries are in the very early stages and are ongoing.”

This is getting dark.

 

 

The Mail:  “Simon Danczuk is being investigated for RAPE say police, as he is heckled outside his own office by ex-wife Karen’s brother – who is also facing rape charges.”

And darker.

Responding to the investigation, the Rochdale MP described the rape allegation made against him as ‘malicious, untrue and upsetting’. He added: ‘The police have not been in touch with me but I will co-operate fully with any inquiries and am confident my name will be promptly cleared.’

Let’s hope he doesn’t drop dead. Given the frenzy over dead celebs, the star paedo-hunter could have all manner of mud lobbed in the hole.

A spokesman for the Rochdale MP said he could not comment further on the police investigation. However, speaking to reporters earlier today, Mr Danczuk said: ‘I would always cooperate with the police in any regard in any investigation in relation to any issue.’

MP supports police! Read all about it!

Around 20 protesters gathered outside Mr Danczuk’s constituency office in Rochdale this morning calling for him to resign, including Karen’s Danczuk’s brother. Michael Burke, who is accused of a string of historic sex offences against three alleged victims, was photographed heckling the embattled MP as he left his constituency office to face the crowd of protestors.

And then get this:

The 38-year-old security guard, who is Mr Danczuk’s former step-brother, was charged in October with 11 counts of rape, five counts of indecent assault and one count of attempted rape.

Rochdale’s not a town – it’s a Petri dish.

The last words are with Simon:

“I don’t think I will be expelled from the Labour party, I think when they carry out the internal investigation – which I will cooperate fully with – they will conclude that, whilst I made one or two foolish mistakes, it doesn’t warrant me being expelled from the party. So I’m quietly confident that they will conclude I’ll remain a Labour member of parliament… I do think there is an interesting dichotomy between people like Boris Johnson, who make a lot of money as a member of Parliament and indeed as Mayor of London, whilst writing for the Daily Telegraph and the right-wing media and who has a very colourful personal life.”

Name Boris’s wife. Go on. Can you?

“And yet a working class lad like me in Rochdale, who writes for some of the national newspapers and has a working class colourful personal life, I get lambasted, whilst Boris, playing it out with debutantes and all the rest of it in this upper-class world, doesn’t get lambasted. And I think there is still very much an establishment, class issue going on in terms of, you know it’s a sociological issue is this, about how some of this stuff plays out, I think it’s quite interesting.”

Nah. Stick to the shagging. That’s got us hooked…

 

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: News, Politicians | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Is Siddartha Dhar A British spy?

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Snuff TV’s Jihadi John 2 – the replacement for the first Jihadi John who left the planet in series 1 – is Siddartha Dhar. The Star says Dhar “fled Britain with his wife and child after police missed a chance to confiscate his passport when he was arrested.”

Either that or they let him through to infiltrate IS and spy for the British.

Spying is part of Dhar’s resume. In his recent TV debut, Dhar can be seen by five men ebing executed as alleged British spies. How was Dhar able to “breeze through Europe” thanks to Britain’s “shoddy security”? Bow does he know who and who is not a spy?

Dhar, 32, we learn, hails from London E17. That’s Walthamstow, north-east London. That’s staunch Spurs and West Ham territory. But the Sun says Dhar’s an Arsenal fan. 

You need more to distrust Dhar?

He used to work as bouncy castle operative!

His sister Konika Dhar said the terrorist’s voice sounded “a bit like” her brother. But she did not believe it was him. Ms Dhar said: “If it is him, bloody hell am I shocked? I am going to kill him myself. He is going to come back and I am going to kill him if he has done this.”

If he comes back?

“I can’t believe it. This is just so shocking for me. I don’t know what the authorities are doing to confirm the identity. But I need to know if it is.”

Most likely they’ll kill him with a drone and then rake over the remains for his teeth.

Dhar, 32, a member of banned group al-Muhajiroun, appeared on the BBC, Channel 4 and Al Jazeera and told a CBS News 60 Minutes programme on radicalisation in the UK he could not love his mother because she was not a Muslim.

Dhar’s mum Sobita says:

“I really have to get confirmation within myself that’s it’s him before I confirm it. I heard the voice, yes, but I don’t know. I’m not sure of the voice. I just cannot say… He was sensitive, very sensitive. He was shy, very shy.”

So that’s why he wears a balaclava.

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The Sun says Dhar is now known as Abu Rumaysah. That’s an anagram of ‘Arab Ya Humus’.

Oh, and he converted to Islam from Hinduism.

You need more?

 

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


British man arrested in Krygyzstan for sausage horse penis gag

Michael McFeat, 39, of Abernethy, is in Krygyzstan, where he works at the Kumtor gold mine.

As part of the Hogmanay celebrations, McFeat is served a sausage horse meat dish called the chuchuk. He considers the hideous lump of meat and thinks it looks like a horse’s penis, opining:

 “The Kyrgyz people queuing out the door for their special delicacy the horse penis!!!”

 

horse penis

 

Colleagues are outraged.

McFeat is contrite, posting on Facebook:

“I would like to take the opportunity to sincerely apologise for the comment I made on here about the kygyz people and horses penis. I truly never meant to offened anyone and im truly sorry as it was never my intension. I would also like to say the people in the picture had absolutely nothing to do with it. again im very very sorry.”

Too late!

Mr McFeat is under arrest. And you just know what’s for breakfast, lunch, Tiffin and din-dins in the local choky, don’t you. Pass the horse penis, Jock. Easy on the mayo…

 

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: News, Strange But True | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Teen brandished machete gift at mother during Christmas board game despute

other parentsHow was your Christmas?  Did you and the family play games? One 15-year-old did. During play he threatened his mother with a machete he received as a Christmas present.

To West Jordan, Utah, then, where Sgt. Keith Bronson of the West Jordan Police Department says the the fight ensued after a board game was turned over and the boy couldn’t find all the pieces.

“We find that people have a wide range of coping skills,” Sgt. Bronson said. “Some of them are good and positive and some of them are not. Of course, this was a good example of what not to do – when you become angry and decide to take on the adults in your house.

“Specifically with a gift that they’ve given you just a few days earlier. I’m glad we were able to get there and bring stability to this situation as quickly as possible. We would encourage parents or people who are in charge of young people to call police as soon as they feel their own anger is getting out of hand. Police officers can often get in there quickly and and help diffuse a situation if we can be contacted early enough.”

Bad losers, you have been warned.

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: News, Strange But True | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Charlie Hebdo cover for the anniversary of the Paris massacre

This is the Charlie Hebdo’s cover for the anniversary of the Paris massacre: “The assassin is still out there.”

cover anniversary hebdo

 

Don’t let the censors win.

Posted: 5th, January 2016 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0