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Jeremy Corbyn* hears the new rules on Labour Party racism. What is and what is not permitted is known. Jeremy Corbyn then says at the launch of the party’s report into anti-Semitism within its ranks:
“Our Jewish friends are no more responsible for the actions of Israel or the Netanyahu government than our Muslim friends are for those various self-styled Islamic States or organisations.”
Put down the lit torches, Labour Party members! Not all Jews are responsible for Jeremy Corbyn. Labour supporters need to know that he doesn’t need Jews to make him say stupid things and to compare a democracy with a death cult that wants to kill us all. It’s just that in times of trouble, history tells us that leaders seeking popularity through knowing your enemy always go for the Jews.
*Jeremy Corbyn is not Jewish.
In a poll more loaded than George Bush at a frat house party, the Daily Express finds that 80% want Boris Johnson to be the next Prime Minister. And 80% are “convinced” Boris will be PM. It is front-page news. As ever in the Express, who responded is not revealed. And at 35p per text vote, you wonder at the sanity of three or four people who did.
The Mail ignores Boris. On pages 8 and 9 it says 8 Tories are fighting to be the PM. Not quite. They are considering standing for election to be the Conservative Party leader. They can then be Prime Minister by default – as Gordon Brown was – or call a General Election, which they should do. We live in the age of the cult of personality. We demand to know our new leader by way of the popular vote and dull TV debates.
The Mail says Boris Jonson and Teresa May are the favourites to win. But Remainers are creating a “stop Boris” campaign. So May it is, then.
Or not. Poverty plate coloniser Jamie Oliver says he will leave the country if Boris is made PM. Vote now. Vote often! Wonder if Jamie will go to live in the EU zone, somewhere in deep raw-food friendly rural Romania? Nah. They always go to America.
The Sun leads with news that to “blue-collar” Tories are plotting a “class war” leadership bid. Steven Crabb and Sajid Javid are in cahoots to undo Boris. This is a “blow” to Boris. But by page 6 it is all go for “Bogo”.
In the Mirror, Boris Johnson is the “political pygmy”. The man twice-elected Labour mayor who led the successful Leave campaign is also called “blundering”. On page 10, Boris is in “hiding”. He wasn’t at the Commons for a post-Brexit slanging match. the Mirror says this makes him “selfish”, “cowardly”, “jaundiced”, “grotesquely rude”, “a charlatan” and a “chiseller”.
Vote Boris, then.
At the pro-Jeremy Corbyn rally in Westminster, a woman has shown her support for the Labour Party leader by wring a T-shirt declaring: “Eradricate the Right Wing Blairite Vermin.” It is the new “gentler, kinder politics” Corbyn wanted:
Arsenal transfer balls with Sky Sports. The website has a question: “Is Romelu Lukaku the answer for Arsenal?” Dunno. Who is asking the question? Readers are told:
Sky Sports has teamed up with Football Whispers to bring you the hottest transfer talk of the moment, as Arsene Wenger looks to improve his squad ahead of the upcoming Premier League season.
Football Whispers have developed a unique algorithm to take all of the transfer rumours from across the globe and calculate the likelihood of them happening.
What utter balls.
The Belgian has been linked with a return to former club Chelsea but Football Whispers thinks a move to Arsenal is more likely.
Why? Well, the mysterious algorithm, man. It knows. It knows more than the Evening Standard which says, “Milan rival Chelsea for Lukaku.” Perhaps it just read the story that “Arsenal have agreed personal terms with Everton striker Romelu Lukaku, according to Italian journalist Emanuele Giulianelli.” The Express hears the same source and cries: “Everton Transfers: Arsenal ‘agree’ Lukaku terms as Milan prepare bid.”
Did Benzema ever “reach Wenger”? No. The Real Madrid player told Journal du Dimanche:
“I laugh about it with my brother and my friends. We wait for the media to come out with these rumours. In my opinion, I think that Real and Barca are the pinnacle in football. Why would I leave? I’m a starter for the best club in the world. I am happy; it’s that simple,”
On 24 August 2015, Benzema adds: “For all those clowns who want to make believe things at my fans. Here this is my home ! #HalaMadridYNadaMas“
But pump the Emanuele Giulianelli ‘news’ into the Football Whispers algorithm and you have more chance of it being true.
There is balls and now there is computer-generated balls.
The Mirror talks of the “Brexit Crisis”. The OED says a crisis is “a time of intense difficulty or danger”. Do you feel more endangered than you did before the EU referendum? Jeremy Corbyn does. The Mirror says he is in a “battle to remain”. He faces a “coup” as 11 members quit his shadow cabinet after Labour voters continued to desert the party and he sacked “disloyal” shadow cabinet minister Hilary Benn, one the hereditary Labour hierarchy.
The Mirror hears from the stayers and the leavers.
Emily Thornberry, last seen joining the liberal elite in mocking the white working class living in what one Mirror writer called “white man’s gulch“, says the Leavers have “no plan and no clue as to what happens next”. She says Labour can help by listening to “Labour supporters throughout the country who decided to vote Leave”. Emily, they are not Labour supporters by definition. You suppose too much. Emily says the Tory party is “tearing itself apart”. She says Labour can be the unifying force. And Labour can do this under Jeremy Corbyn.
On the other side is Stephen Kinnock, one of the hereditary Labour hierarchy. Kinnock says “this is the biggest peace-time crisis since the Second World War”. Kinnock says Corbyn lacks the knowledge of Europe to negotiate with the EU. Kinnock says “Jeremy received an unprecedented mandate from our members last year”. Yep, they voted for him. So, Kinnock, a true Europhile, says the will of the people doesn’t matter. Just get rid.
On Page 6, the Mirror says there has been a “surge” in Scotland for a “Scots breakaway”. Right now 54% of Scots are “for” an independent Scotland – 46% are against. In 2014, 55% of Scots voted to remain in the United Kingdom. Nicola didn’t like the result so she wants another referendum. If the result goes the other way, as the Mirror’s poll suggests it will, will the losers under Ruth Davidson do a Nicola and demand another referendum? The Guardian says “Ruth Davidson is the Tory who stands between Scotland and independence.” She’s a formidable sight.
On page 8, the Mirror’s Kevin Maguire thinks a second EU Referendum would be good idea. that, he says, could fix the “gangrenous, gaping national wound”. Kevin backed the losers.
The Daily Star leads with a neat pun: “Corb faces Jexit.” Corbyn is a “red man walking”.
On Page 9, the Star outlines the Brexit plan. Emily Thornberry may care to read it.
The Sun leads with news that Michael Gove is backing “tennis-loving” Boris Johnson to lead the Tories. The Sun mentions Johnson’s love of tennis in the second paragraph. Why? Is the Sun massively popular among tennis fans? The Tories are, of course. Tennis clubs are havens for solid Conservative supporters, as well as adulterers, sex maniacs and alcoholics who find golf too taxing. Doubt that? Just cop a load of Bozza’s bat.
Tom Newton-Dunn tells readers on Page 5 that one Tory has referred to Westminster as “a cluster of goat fuck with knobs on”. Can we get that in Latin and put it over the door?
On Page 7, readers see a picture of deputy Labour leader Tom Watson at a silent disco at Glastonbury. He’s dancing to his own tune that no-one else is listening to. Yeah, really.
The Daily Express tells readers, “Don’t panic! Why Brexit will be a breeze.” Passports, the pound, mortgages, savings, pensions and travel are all going to be sorted just fine. Crisis. What crisis? And one other thing: a butcher is now selling sausages in pounds and ounces. Metric is out! Imperial measures are in!
And so the the Mail, the paper that if any can claim it won it, won it. News is of a “plot to block Brexit”. Tony Blair, Nicola Sturgeon, a “senior German” and pro-Remain MPs plan to scupper Brexit. How? They hope there will be a general election before the formal process of quitting begins. Tony says there could be a second referendum. Nicola says the Edinburgh parliament could block Brexit. They hope the majority who wanted out will see that their voices are still not being listening to and vote in? Do we keep voting until we give the elites the answer they demand?
Over Pages 4 and 5, the Mail tells of “the day Labour imploded”.
On Page 6, we learn that Theresa May wants to beat Boris Johnson to the top Tory job. And on Page 11, George Osborne “breaks over to claim the City”.
Politics is big news. and the best bit is you can vote anyone you don’t like out at an election. Isn’t democracy great.
Ronald McDonald has been shot at a fast-food restaurant on the USA. Police need not round-up the usual suspect – Hamburglar, Jamie Oliver, France – because Telvin Drummond, 24, from Lumberton, North Carolina, is helping them with their enquiries.
Mr McDonald was shot during an argument behind a Sonic Drive-In restaurant. Reports say the two began shooting at each other and Ronald McDonald was hit.
He’s ok. It is very likely that Mr McDonald cannot be killed by conventional weapons.
Mark Scott has news for those of you who voted Remain. You can Leave. Mark Scott is European technology correspondent for The New York Times. And he’s off:
I’ve grudgingly accepted that 52 percent of my fellow citizens wanted to leave the European Union… But… with a heavy heart, I’m applying to become an Irish citizen, saying goodbye to Britain just as it wants to say goodbye to Europe.
So long, Marc. You can work for a competing economy in another country that offers a better deal.
Remain supporter Oliver Imhof (one for nominative determinism, there) is getting his passport, too. He tells Guardian readers:
Above all other ideological affiliations, I am a democrat. And as a democrat I have to accept a defeat. I have to accept being oppressed by a majority of an older generation that seems intent on depriving us of our future. This is why I am leaving this country.
David Lammy, your snobby MP, doesn’t much like democracy. He can apply to join a country that shares his values, like Russia, Saudi Arabia or Zimbabwe. After all, as The Independent‘s Matthew Norman notes: “The Labour Party is over and Jeremy Corbyn’s stupidity brought it down.” Lammy might be looking for a job soon – and we can vote him out.
Having warned against a vote for Leave in the EU Referendum, the Mirror titles are in a dither. Do they: a) ignore the whole thing; b) try to beat UK leader Nigel Farage at his own game by whipping up fears over immigration, and in so doing connect with the paper’s readership whose vote for Labour was once a given?
The Sunday Mirror just goes with a):
Congratulations to Wales, which voted out of the EU and stayed in the Euros (source for joke: all papers). But what about those half a million desperate “migrants”? Well, the People seems unsure who they are: are they migrants or EU workers? And what of the number? A clue to how speculative it is comes in a further headline:
Brexit to cause immigration surge as 500,000 East Europeans ‘will rush in before borders close’
The inverted commas means it’s untrue. Fact is now opinion. Whose opinion becomes clear – and no, it’s not the Daily Express leader writer’s:
The warning was issued by former minister Phil Woolas who said ‘those who wanted to halt immigration will, perversely, cause the opposite’
Woolas is a former Labour MP. He says:
“Every time the UK Government announces a cap on immigration, thousands rush in before the deadline. Would-be immigrants see that the door is about to slam. So they bring forward their plans and a last-minute rush heads for the UK. In the Home Office, they call it the fire sale.”
So the paper’s headline figure is a guess based on the opinion of a former Labour MP. And what do we know of him? Well, the BBC reported in 2010:
Former Labour MP Phil Woolas has admitted defeat in his battle to overturn a court ruling which stripped him of his Commons seat. “It is the end of the road – I am out,” the former immigration minister said as he left the High Court. It means a by-election in his Oldham East and Saddleworth is likely soon. Mr Woolas narrowly won the seat in May but the result was declared void by an election court which ruled he had lied about his Lib Dem rival.
The specially convened election court ruled that comments in campaign material suggesting Lib Dem candidate Elwyn Watkins had tried to “woo” the votes of Muslim extremists, clearly amounted to an attack on his personal character and conduct. The court ruled he was guilty of breaching the Representation of the People Act 1983 and barred him from standing for elected office for three years, as well as fining him £5,000.
What the former Labour immigration minister says is now front-page news.
In the 1920s, staff at the Anchor Brewery, the home of , in Norwich, Norfolk, went on strike. When a dead cat was found in a vessel of beer and a worker blamed for the mishap and sacked, the staff walked out.
Victor Crowe, 90, whose father can be seen in the photo above – that’s him in the flat cap with the patch over one eye – says: “I remember him telling me about the walk-out. This resulted in the worker being reinstated. Cats were part of the workforce. They were brewery cats to kill the rats trying to get into the sacks containing the malt.”
The Labour MP David Lammy, your elected representative for Tottenham, doesn’t much like democracy when it fails to agree with him. He wants the EU Referendum result ignored. Peter Sutherland agrees. Sutherland (born 25 April 1946) is “an Irish international businessman and former Attorney General of Ireland”. Since 2006, Sutherland has been working as the United Nations Special Representative of the Secretary-General for International Migration.
He wanted the UK to remain in the EU. The pensioner thinks the result was wrong. He wants us to think of the children. “Somehow this result must be overturned,” he demands.
Many agree that it was all unfair. You can sign a petition to ask for another referendum. Many have clicked their support for a 2nd go at getting the ‘right’ answer.
Sun columnist Rod Liddle Canterbury, has another petition:
Mr Lammy has demonstrated that he does not understand democracy. He should be removed as MP for Tottenham and replaced by a set of plaster garden ornaments – an otter * with a fish in its mouth, a heron and a gnome with a fishing rod.
Gnomes, or ‘little Englanders’, as the Guardian readers call them.
(*Why are animals getting a kicking? Leavers say Remain are otters; Remain says leavers are “turkeys“. Politics is for the birds.)
The Labour MP David Lammy MP wants Parliament to ignore the EU referendum result. He wants Parliament to go against the will of the people, the majority of whom voted for the UK to leave the European Union. The people who rejected the establishment, the liberal elite, the knowing celebrities, the multi-nationals, the doom-mongers and the bankers got it wrong, says Lammy, a member of a Party divorced from its once core vote. Says the self-regarding one:
Wake up. We do not have to do this.
We can stop this madness and bring this nightmare to an end through a vote in Parliament. Our sovereign Parliament needs to now vote on whether we should exit the EU. The referendum was an advisory, non-binding referendum. The Leave campaign’s platform has already unravelled and some people wish they hadn’t voted to Leave. Parliament now needs to decide whether we should go forward with Brexit, and there should be a vote in Parliament next week. Let us not destroy our economy on the basis of lies and the hubris of Boris Johnson.
He’s right. The European Referendum is non biding. The vote is not law. What it was was a free and fair vote on staying in or leaving the European Union. Lammy doesn’t much like the result. He says the people cannot be trusted to make the right decision. They made a mistake. So he wants them to be ignored. He wants change stopped.
A US readers has written in. He puts it well:
CONGRATULATIONS !!! Leaving the EU has been too long in coming. We have a similar situation here in the USA. For us Washington D.C. is about identical to the EU leadership with re: to their relationship with all the individual states. An entrenched cadre of infinitely corrupt career politicians control or try to control every aspect of our lives from fortress Washington D.C. just as the EU leadership has imposed their will on Great Britain and other EU member countries. The politicians keep getting richer while our middle class is dying along with many small towns all across our country. Our fast growing national debt tells the story. The politicians are spending money we don’t have to shore up their power. Anyway so very happy for your good fortune.
Lammy thinks you’re idiots. You are if you listen to him.
To Chicago in search of nominative determinism. We find Larry Gambles. Mr Gambles just won a $1,050,000 Lucky Day Lotto jackpot prize. He says: “Nine years ago, I won $50,000 playing the numbers from the jerseys of my high school basketball team. I’ve been playing the same numbers ever since. I can’t believe they paid off again.”
Mr S. Tony Broke will be in touch.
In “I want my country back” Laurie Penny seeks to make her voice the authentic sound of the self-regarding who see the Brexit vote and say #NotMyVote. She writes in the New Statesman:
This was never a referendum on the EU. It was a referendum on the modern world.
And the news is that 52% of UK voters rejected Penny’s view of modernity. Says Penny.
This morning, I woke up in a country I do not recognise. David Cameron’s big gamble – the future of Britain against his personal political ambitions – has backfired so badly that we’ve blasted clean out of the EU. By the time I’d put the kettle on, the stock markets were in free fall, Scotland was debating a new independence referendum, Sinn Fein was making secession noises, and the prime minister had resigned.
You might call it exciting. If politics is about change and daring, then this is it.
The markets were not in free fall. On a day in which the brokers and bankers were found to have backed the wrong side, the FTSE ended 3.15% lower at 6,138. But the pound is weaker (good for exporters, then) and the FX traders are playing catch-up.
Politicians are making their moves. The SNP wants another referendum because just two years ago they lost one and like the EU they want to keep going until the people give the ‘right‘ answer. Sinn Fein’s call for a plebiscite is something they are almost certain not to get.
Penny then launches a rant against people who dare to vote for what they believe in. Unlike Cameron, she is no gracious loser.
There’s not enough tea in the entire nation to help us Keep Calm and Carry On today. Not on a day when prejudice, propaganda, naked xenophobia and callous fear-mongering have won out over the common sense we British like to pride ourselves on. Not on a day when we’re being congratulated by Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen, and nobody else. Well done, turkeys. Santa’s on his way.
This from the New Statesman, a magazine that told of a Kosher Conspiracy. Can you spot the bigot, turkeys? Maybe this can help you:
So, here’s the thing. This was never a referendum on the EU. It was a referendum on the modern world, and yesterday the frightened, parochial lizard-brain of Britain voted out, out, out, and today we’ve all woken up still strapped onto this ghost-train as it hurtles off the tracks.
Penny says “I want my country back”. Wherever that is it looks a like a place where prejudice is rife.
So why did Jamie Vardy reject a move to Arsenal? Was it because when, as reported, his agent called Arsenal to tell them about the “escape clause” it was just a ruse to get a rival team to bid for his client and so kickstart negotiations on a new deal with Leicester City? Vardy was on £70,000 a week when the agent called Arsenal. After Arsenal bid the £20m (Sun) / £21m (Telegraph) / £22m (Guardian) to trigger Vardy’s release, and offered him a reported £120,000 a week, the player scored a new deal with the Foxes worth £100,000 a week basic and maybe bonuses for ‘loyalty’, goals and appearances.
Other reasons why Vardy snubbed Arsenal are all over the media.
Sky: “Vardy: Arsenal style put me off.”
Words from Vardy: nil.
The Guardian: “It appears as though Vardy feels that he has unfinished business at Leicester.”
Gary Lineker: “A show of loyalty from @vardy7″
Telegraph: “…it is understood he was always reluctant to leave Leicester.”
At least it had nothing to do with money.
Donald Trump is in Scotland to talk about golf, Brexit and golf for the paranoid at one of his gated sports complexes. Scots are wowed as the Republican Presidential nominee walks among them. One takes the trouble to make her own sign. It says Donald “Trump is a cunt”.
That the tabloids went to Press before the EU Referendum vote was known is shown in their coverage of the vote.
The Daily Mail
Page 4: “Operation Save Dave”
How well did that go. Not very. David Cameron has resigned as Prime Minister.
(Page 5): “Brexit camp jitters after close exit poll verdict”.
News is that UKIPm leader Nigel Farage has “conceded defeat”. Farage and his UKippers won.
Front page: “As Farage all but concedes defeat..and after fear and hate.. Britain needs Remain & Leave supporters to start the healing process”
Wise words form the paper that on the day of the vote produced this:
The paper that shamefully milked the death of Jo Cox for its own ends:
Pages 2-3: “FARAGE: I’VE LOST”
Page 2: “A final YouGove poll published at 10pm gave 52% to Remain and 48% Leave”
Page 2: “The Leave campaign was given a boost with a higher than expected turnout, especially in England’s North”.
England’s North rejected Remain to vote Leave.
Pages 6-7: “Now only one thing matters… replacing the fear and hate with a future of hope”
Pages 6-7: “Civil wars Tories in mega plot to Save the Dave”
Pages 4-5: “£6bn WIN-WIN FOR BRITAIN – Cash to pour in whatever the result is”
The out vote triggers a steep decline in the FTSE and the value of the pound on the money exchanges.
Such are the facts in the papers ‘wot won it’.
Wondering what to study at college to earn a living when they spit you out? Mark J Perry has news on how to use your time:
a. A 2-year degree from the Community College of Denver in Dental Hygiene has an ROI of $612,991, which are the additional earnings a graduate can expect to earn over 20 years compared to a high school graduate. Average first-year wages are about $61,000 and the cost of the degree is less than $16,000.
b. A 4-year degree from the University of Colorado-Boulder in Women’s Studies has an ROI of only $173,545, at a cost of more than $92,000 and estimated first-year earnings of only $23,461.
Both degrees give you a career. But four years in college over 2 years is surely 2 years too many.
Abdul Rahman Haroun, 40, left his native Sudan in 2004. On August 4 2015, Mr Haroun walked through the 31-mile long Channel Tunnel and claimed asylum. The Express says there is “outrage” as “migrant is freed”. It laments the “border shambles” that allows Haroun to be a free man. Reading that you might suppose that Mr Haroun escaped any legal censure for his actions.
The Independent’s headline is at odds with the Express. It turns Mr Haroun from migrant to “refugee”. The Indy sums up: “Refugee Abdul Rahman Haroun given nine-month prison sentence for walking through Channel Tunnel to reach UK… He was prosecuted under Victorian legislation – the Malicious Damage Act 1861 – for ‘obstructing an engine or a carriage using a railway’.”
The Express quotes an MP who says Haroun received only a “slap on the wrist”. The MP says Haroun should have been deported automatically. The Express says Haroun benefitted from a “soft touch” justice system. Haroun has been “rewarded [for his criminality] with leave to remain and taxpayer handouts”.
The Mail says Haroun is “free to work and live here… if he has a wife and child under 18 he can bring them to Britain”.
Mr Haroun is free. That much is true. But only because from the time of his arrest until January this year Mr Haroun was a prisoner at HMP Elmley in Kent. In December 2015, the “African migrant” (Telegraph) was granted permission to remain in the UK as a refugee.
In January, he was bailed. At Canterbury Crown Court Mr Haroun, who “braved speeding trains” (New York Times) pleaded guilty.
The Daily Star sees no bravery. It states: “Migrant who walked through Chunnel free to live here – despite guilty plea.” The paper adds: “The news comes after truck drivers told of their fears of another summer of migrant mayhem in Calais, France.”
The final word is with the judge, Adele Williams, who “acknowledged Haroun had travelled from Sudan ‘in a state of desperation'” (Sky News). She added: “The reason why the courts of the United Kingdom take such a serious view of this criminality is that those who enter in this way seek to evade the authorities, who can, therefore, have no check upon who is entering the country. In the world in which we live of international crime and terrorism that is a very serious matter.”
So was the bigger crime in letting a man wander through the Channel Tunnel undetected?
PS – Mr Haroun plans to appeal his conviction.
It’s the EU Referendum, the day the country votes for independence (Sun) or not not fall into an abyss (Mirror).
The Express wants us to “VOTE LEAVE’. But not al that many people read the Express. The weight is with the Mail, the country’s most widely read newspaper. It says the EU are liars. It says vote out. If the Mail mobilises its readers, the Mail will have won it.
Vote now and vote often:
ON SADIQ KHAN (Labour, In)
Quentin Letts, Daily Mail (OUT!):
But the new London mayor is a feral little nipper and came up with the most vicious slurs of the first hour when he accused the Leave camp of running ‘Project Hate’ on immigration. The crowd oohed and booed.
Michael Deacon, Daily Telegraph (Dunno):
Inevitably the fiercest clashes concerned immigration. “Boris, your campaign has been Project Hate!” squawked Mr Khan. This won the night’s most furious cheer, followed by riotous stamping. It was like listening to an army charge across a tin roof.
John Crace Guardian (IN!):
“You’re not Project Fear, you’re Project Hate,” said Sadiq, to the biggest cheer of the evening.”
Mikey Smith, Daily Mirror (IN!):
Sadiq’s attack was the first damaging blow of the two hour event, and it attracted a long and loud round of applause from the audience.
What they said: Boos. Applause. Huge cheer.
ON RUTH DAVIDSON (Tory, In)
Michael Deacon, Daily Telegraph (Dunno):
Ms Davidson, though – surely the night’s star performer – won cheers with her rocket-powered zeal and patriotism.
Quentin Letts, Daily Mail (OUT!):
…did the highly rated Miss Davidson slightly underperform? She twice invoked the name of President Obama, who has supported Remain. Maybe that sort of thing works in Edinburgh but at Wembley last night it earned raspberries.
What they said: Star. Rubbish.
ON BORIS JOHNSON (Tory, Out)
Quentin Letts, Daily Mail (OUT!):
And then his closing remarks. Let Thursday be our ‘Independence Day’. As those south American commentators say, ‘Gooooallllll!’
Michael Deacon, Daily Telegraph (Dunno):
When Mr Johnson promised that June 23 would be Independence Day, the crowd nearly blew the roof off.
John Crace Guardian (IN!):
Boris bounced around on his feet, disappointed he hadn’t been able to get any of his favourite gags in. And that’s the way the rest of the night continued.
Daily Express (OUT!):
Huge cheers for Boris after his closing statement. The Wembley crowd are on their feet and chanting his name.
What they said: Scores. Disappointing.
Such are the facts.
How many guests preferred it when Her Majesty just held up her gloved robotic waving hand and asked “And what do you do?” Now she wants three reasons why the country should remain in the European Union. Gongs and pudding portions depend on guests giving a favourable answer.
The source for this story of regal parlour games is “Royal biographer” Robert Lacey, who says he believes the Queen is a Eurosceptic but not necessarily a Brexiteer.
The story is taken up with the gusto in the Sun, which leads with “Sorry Ma’am, we can’t think of ONE.”
Proof that the Queen asked her guests the question comes there none. The tabloids’ story is rooted in a story Lacey wrote for the Daily Beast. Below the headline “Why the Queen Should Oppose Brexit” he says the Queen “apparently” has been asking her dinner guests for three reasons for the country remain in the EU. He adds that “Buckingham Palace has rightly deplored the impropriety of disclosing Her Majesty’s private remarks.”
Total balls, then.
Sick of listening to experts in money, war and politics talking on the EU Referendum? Us too. thankfully, the Daily Star has produced a double-page feature on what non-exerts have been saying. Not one of these people has bene elected for public office, but they have been on the telly. Some of the quotes are fantastic.
“If it means we can go back to using decent lightbulbs and hairdryers, I’m joining Brexit” – Liz Huley , expert in wearing dresses
“The European Union reminds me of an overpriced, badly run hotel” – Alex Polizzi recommends a new UK with neutral colours and a kettle in every room
“The EU is like a huge rock festival: Everyone has colour-coded passes and there are no wars” – Eddie Izard has never watched The Rolling Stones at Altamont, nor STEPS during the school holidays
And the pick of the bunch:
“Britain is not just stronger in Europe, it is more creative and imaginative” – Benedict Cumberbatch, the actor who made his name as playing the pre EU Sherlock Homles
The Star is so delighted with the news it illustrates the story with a picture of, er, Donna Air and James Middleton, brother to Pippa and Kate.
Let’s hope their new daughter Iris makes a better job of recognising the proud parents.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!! That’s the sound of channel 5 executives celebrating. Big Brother remains relevant as Ofcom launches an inquiry after contestants Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr groped, grunted, frotted and reached on the Channel 5 show before the 9pm watershed.
Why did Channel 4 reject the show that continues to titillate the great unwashed, allowing it to slip over to Channel 5?
More than 600 people have complained at seeing White, the son of a celebrity chef of the same name, slide his hands down Carte’s knicker – whilst she was wearing them. Who knew that Channel 5 had such a big audience for Big Brother? Of course, we cannot overlook the chance that many of the 634 outraged citizens who called Ofcom to complain work in TV. Moan and groan enough and – hey, presto! – Big Brother is all over the tabloids.
A spokesperson for Ofcom says: “We’re investigating whether sexual scenes in this episode of Big Brother exceeded generally accepted standards for its time of broadcast.”
If it did it will be tied up and whipped. Yes!