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The “men’s parking space” invites drivers to park between “Steep mountains, moist valleys”. The “Männerparkplatz” in the Black Forest town of Triberg is just a joke, says Triberg Mayor Dr. Gallus Strobel claims.
But gender equality activists in Baden-Württemberg are not l,aughing. They say:
“This type of sexist advertising, which uses a woman’s naked body to grab attention and suggests women are a sexual commodity, is both misogynistic and inhuman.”
Mayor Strobel responds:
“It’s a matter of artistic freedom. Art is allowed to provoke people, and should do so.”
As we Mr Strobel browses the ‘art collection’ on the top shelf of his local newsagents and his laptop, the artist behind this piece of adolescent crud says it’s not him. Werner Oppelt, for it is he, explains:
“I was unwilling to take part in this from the start. It’s simply not my style.”
As distracted male drivers misjudge their distances we await an artwork featuring mayor Stobel’s and artist Oppelt shunting one another in a small wood.
Debra Marceau, 52, was charged with retail theft follwing an incident in Florida where she put clams down her shorts. Whilst in the Publix store in Palm Bay, Marceau opened a box of frozen clams and put them down the front of her shorts.
Marceau tried to place a frozen pizza inside her “purse“, which, we’re assured, is not a euphermism.
Lizards. They are everywhere. David Icke taught us that. Unsurprising, then, to find one of the powerful elite drinking a Starbucks latte in Phoenix, Arizona. But Kim and Brian Dillon don’t believe – or want to believe- the lizard was a customer. They think it was there by accident:
“It was just so gross knowing it was in my mouth,” says Kim. “It was a lizard,” adds Brian. “A little lizard! That she drank. That went into her mouth.”
“I was like, ‘Oh my God,'” says Kim. “I was almost going to swallow it.”
Starbucks say they’re disturbed by the situation and are looking into it. In future all Starbucks management are banned fom the shop floor.
Fry’s said they did extra cleaning and checked with a pest control company, but they believe it’s an isolated incident. “We understand that we live in the desert and there’s a bunch of bugs,” said Brian. “But something like that is just nerve wrecking.” Kim says she won’t be returning to Starbucks.
Will Brooker, a professor at Kingston University in London, has a new experiment: he will live as David Bowie for a year. He will do some “method acting” as Ziggy Stardust, dress up in the garb of Bowie’s various other incarnations (Bowie, of course is the alter ego of the private David Jones), immerse himself in mid-1970s culture to enter Bowie’s mindset, do his best not to confuse and worry Iman, Bowie’s wife, not use her persona to attract groupies, and partake of the singer’s milk and red peppers diet, omitting the cocaine.
“His mansion in Beckenham has been demolished, for instance, and I’m unlikely to have a fling with Mick Jagger.”
Although a few Jagger tribute acts might be up for it.
“However it is possible to engage with and get a feel for his experiences without immersing oneself to a dangerous extent.”
Mr Brooker, we salute you, but not like Bowie’s alleged 1976 Nazi salute.
Waiter, waiter, there’s a robot in my soup:
Many chains are already at work looking for ingenious ways to take humans out of the picture, threatening workers in an industry that employs 2.4 million wait staffers, nearly 3 million cooks and food preparers and many of the nation’s 3.3 million cashiers….
The avalanche of rising costs is why franchisers are aggressively looking for technology that can allow them to produce more food faster with higher quality and lower waste. Dave Brewer is chief operating officer with Middleby Corp., which owns dozens of kitchen equipment brands, and is constantly developing new ways to optimize performance and minimize cost.
They’re blaming the minimum wage.
One day when Bastian Schweinsteiger is on the after-dinner speaking circuit, he will surely hark back to his days at Manchester United. Speaking to German newspaper Bild, Schweinsteiger has given us all a hint of the kind of anecdotes we can expect from the German midfielder:
“The English have a special sense of humour. This I immediately experienced in the dressing room.
“As I walked with two plates while eating, suddenly a teammate asked me ‘Basti, what time is it?’ – Hoping I would automatically turn my hand to look at my watch.”
Funny? Or just special? But the actual funny part is Schweinsteiger’s review of the big English gag:
“That’s quite entertaining.”
He’s deadpan. He’s the German Jack Dee
The season so far has exposed Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. Defeated by Arsenal in the Community Shield – a cup that when he wins it counts as a major trophy and when he doesn’t is reduced to a bit of silver less valuable than the shiny tinfoil on his KitKat; seeking someone to blame for a 2-2 draw with Swansea and settling on the physio and club doctor; and telling Manchester City they won only by three lucky goals to nil – Jose Mourinho is wobbling.
It was only last May that the bitchy Portuguese was telling everyone he would be spending nothing major:
“Next season will be even better than this season and without big investments, because we don’t want to do that because we are happy with the players. Our group is top. The qualities are good. The most important thing in the market for us is not to lose players, I want to keep my players.”
Now he says Chelsea have a “moral right” to spend money. John Stones is the target. But Everton have knocked back Chelsea’s £30m bid for the player. At the weekend, John Terry was substituted by Mourinho for the first time in 177 Premier League games. The message is clear: Mourinho is ready to spend big again.
In the Times, Rory Smith writes on how Jose wins the titlte:
First, the foot goes to the floor, and then it goes to the throat… In years in which he has won the league, Mourinho’s record in the first third of the campaign is astonishing: he has never lost more than one of his first 13 games.
The greatest worry of all is less tangible: it is that Mourinho’s success has always been built on the short term. He extracts the maximum from his players. Those coaches who have followed him have spoken of finding squads physically and psychologically exhausted, not just by success but by his demands.
Plenty of time to recover, of course. Chelsea remain a formidable obstacle. But Mourinho is looking desperate.
Manchester United “hope” to sign Pedro from Barcelona this week, writes the Times. They are determined to get their man. Ed Woodward, United’s executive vice-chairman, is in Barcelona, looking to sign the 28-year-old for a £22 million fee.
Mundo Deportivo says Woodward has met Albert Soler, Barça’s director of sporting institutional relations, and director Raul Sanllehí where they discussed Pedro.
Sky says the deal has been done. Sort of. Sky Sports’ Balague told Revista de La Liga.
“I understand a deal between the player and United is already in place and all that is left is for United to put the €30m on the table. They are just negotiating how they are going to pay it, with installments or an amount up-front. They are very close. I’m not sure whether Barcelona will try one last time with Pedro and say ‘don’t go’, but it seems his mind is already made up.”
The Manchester Evening News says that Pedro is not the star player United fans dream of:
Louis van Gaal is believed to be somewhat hesitant about bringing in Pedro because of his pace, but the Dutchman is eager to increase the attacking options in his side.
And Marca reminds us that no deal is done until it’s done:
The striker wants a more prominent role at Barça. Luis Enrique wants him to stay at the Camp Nou, but competition for places is tough at the club.
Why would anyone leave Barcelona for Manchester United under Van Gaal? Does that medical include a test for mental competence?
The dystopian hell of BBC TV’s EastEnders isn’t all a middle-class liberal’s merlot-induced dream about the lower classes – it’s a fly-on-the-wall documentary. The Sun catches up with one of the show’s stars, rheumy-eyed Dot Branning, who tells readers that her health could be better.
“DOT: I’M GOING DEAF AND BLIND”
In the soap’s competition to be every more miserable, you have to now expect a welter of rival headlines:
“ALFIE: I’m going deaf, dumb and blind”
“PHIL: I’m going deaf, dumb, blind and ate my own tongue”
“SONIA: I’m dead”
But this story is not about Dot. It’s not a plot driver. The story is about a woman called June Brown, the 88-year-old actress, who whilst at a Barbara Windsor stage show “struggled to hear her pal despite sitting in the front row”.
And when Barbara, 78, brought her on stage, she asked: “Are you talking to me Babs? Tell me, because I’m deaf you see and it’s very hard for me to hear so I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did you say to me?”
She then told the audience at London’s BFI: “Sorry, I would like you all to shout because I can’t hear, you see. I am ever so sorry. I am straining here.”
Meanwhile, in the far more real world of EastEnders, things have gotten worse for Dot. A “source” explains:
“It’s important for her that people know this isn’t an issue at work. The only reason she is off screen at the moment is because Dot is in prison.”
“She’ll be back at work imminently and is chomping at the bit to return.”
Maybe. But did we mention her teeth?
James Risner made this model train track. The train goes on. The train never stops.
There was a chance for anti-fascists to dust off the football-style chants in Liverpool when the neo-Nazi National Action held a White Man March.
It was always going to be nasty. The Liverpool mayor tweeted a letter he’d received:
— Joe Anderson (@joeforliverpool) August 9, 2015
“If our march is stopped or heavy handed policing tactics are employed against us, your city will go up in flames. It’s fairly easy to do this, 3 or 4 people in 3 or 4 ethnically enriched areas after dark wearing masks & gloves, a few niggers beaten up, a few cars set on fire & a few shops smashed & your own non-whites will erupt like a volcano, all we have to do is prove them”.
That’s it’s pretty much the kind of view the Government’s has of working-class whites, who are always a race riot waiting to happen. It’s why any footballer who utters a racist word is held up an “role model” whom the proles slavishly follow, paying no heed to their own morals, friends and ethics as they hunt the Jew, black and Muslim.
The Liverpool Echo says what happened:
Neo-nazis who were chased out of Liverpool after hiding in a left luggage office in Lime Street station from protestors say they plan to return to the city.
Here’s one video. The adapted football chants include:
“If it wan’t for the bizzies you’d be dead”
The video contains swearing. It also features the filmer abusing a black officer because, apparently, defending the right to protest when you’re non-white is unforgivable.
Now spot the bigotry and the equality:
The better chant was:
“Master race, you’re having a laugh”
In the Indy, Kevin Maxwell says:
The humiliation of neo-Nazis in Liverpool makes me proud to be a Scouser
He had us right up this line:
I’m all for free speech and tolerating other people’s beliefs, however unpalatable they may be. But…
No buts. It’s either freedom of speech or it isn’t freedom at all.
At the time of writing this is the top comment beneath Maxwell’s Indy article:
Let the bigots talk. Ridicule them. Don’t ban them.
Free speech. No buts.
Now altogher: “Master race, you’re havin’ a laugh…”
How’s life treating Manchester United and England captain Wayne Rooney? After United had completed these routine defeat of Aston Villa at Villa Park (in their last 40 league matches, Villa have won once, lost 29 and drawn 10), the papers shone a light on the nation’s main man.
All but one news source thought Rooney was poor:
Daily Mail: “Wayne Rooney is on his way to being burnt out and the Manchester United captain looks as ineffectual as he has ever been”
Daily Mail: “Manchester United need a new striker: With Wayne Rooney out of sorts, Louis van Gaal needs fresh firepower to boost title hopes”
The Guardian: “Loose passing, wasteful finishing and a particularly bad night for Wayne Rooney kept the hosts in the game”
ESPN: “There were hopes that Manchester United captain Wayne Rooney would rediscover some form against Aston Villa on Friday night… Remarkably, though, he was even worse than he was against Tottenham last week. His lack of mobility, touch and pace prevent him from leading the line successfully. When you compare him to strikers at rival clubs, like Sergio Aguero, the gap in quality between them is embarrassing.”
The Times: “They need more, of course — not least from Wayne Rooney, who looks short of fitness or confidence or both”
MEN: “Manchester United fan ratings: Rooney struggles”
BBC: “Striker Wayne Rooney was supposed to be the main man up front this season but the early signs have been a little worrying for United. As in the opening game against Tottenham the United and England skipper struggled to make an impact leading the line. And it was not until injury time that he touched the ball in the opposition penalty area”
And the one that disagreed:
The Sun: “SUN STAR MAN — Wayne Rooney, Manchester United”
Wonder which newspaper wants Rooney as its next columnist?
Is Nicolas Otamendi going to play for Manchester United? Or is the Valencia defender off to play for Manchester City?
There’s been lots of talk about Nicolas Otamendi joining Manchester United. Stories like: “Manchester United AGREE deal to sign Valencia star Nicolas Otamendi”; “Deal done: Man United target Nicolas Otamendi agrees move, will be announced today” (both Daily Star); “Nicolas Otamendi to Manchester United: Club agree to sign £36m-rated centre-back” (Independent); and “Real Madrid believe Manchester United have sealed Nicolas Otamendi transfer” (Daily Mirror).
It turns out these stories are all utter balls because the Daily Mail says Manchester City are “close to completing the £28.5m signing of Valencia defender Nicolas Otamendi, 27, with City defender Eliaquim Mangala, 24, likely to go to the Spanish club on loan.” Although, the Express says the fee is £35m.
To Warsaw, Poland,where a 33-year-old British man is holding up a bank. He draws a gun. He hands the cashier a piece of paper. The bank worker sees the drawing. He hands her a second piece of paper, on which he’s written in imperfect Polish: “This is a robbery I have a gun give me all the money.”
The cashier tells him to wait whilst she goes to vaults to collect the money. He waits. She does not return stagging beneath the weight of a large piece of paper on which she has drawn a massive gold ingot. He, more the pity, does not accept the drawing of gold bullion and escape.
What she does do it call the police, who arrive and arrest the desperate cartoonist. He faces up to 12 years prison for attempting an armed robbery.
But so long as he’s got a pencil and paper, our artistic villain should be ok, what his yacht, escape tunnel and harem.
Why was Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho so enraged when Dr Eva Carneiro dashed on to the field of play and treated a writhing Evan Hazard?
Dominic Lawson has an idea, writing in the Sunday Times he says what really irked the bitchy Chelsea boss was not Dr Eva’s womanhood or her decision to place her own moral compass and professionalism ahead of team tactics. Her crime was exposing Mourinho’s plot to stretch the rules:
It looked as if the player concerned was badly hurt but he wasn’t — and Mourinho understood this. Indeed the reason why the rules now state that injured players must be removed from the field of play — so the match can continue — is precisely because so many players were feigning injury to waste time.
What Mourinho appeared to be saying was that his medical team were not in on the scam — and it was unforgivable that they did not sufficiently grasp that faking or exaggerating injury is part and parcel of the professional game. In other words, it was their job to spot those rare occasions when the player really was badly injured — and to ignore the referee’s summons when the official might not have realised that this was just play-acting.
Can players use a secret signal to tell the bench it’s an act? Time, perhaps, for a return to daytime tell Una Stubbs, whose mega TV careeer includes a role as team captain on Gives US a Clue. Move over Dr Eva, there’s a new woman on the Chelsea bench and she’s got a bigger media profile than even you:
When Arsenal fans are asking “Have you ever had a Gooner up your arse?” and Manchester United supporters are telling her to “Get your tits out for the lads”, Dr Eva is thinking about sex. When she’s treating Eden Hazard in the closing stages of Chelsea’s opening game of the 2015-16 season at Stamford Bridge she’s thinking about sex. When bitchy Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho is belittling her in public, she’s thinking about sex. Even when she’s rubbing John Terry’s thighs she is thinking about sex. Eva Carneiro is “sex mad”.
The Sun delivers the news that matters, reporting the words of one Rupert Patterson-Ward. He says he and Dr Eva had sex “a million times”. He says:
“This woman ruined my life. Eva would blurt out she had slept with one of the players during heated rows. She said it just to make me feel bad. I don’t believe it was true.’’
He didn’t believe it but does believe we should know.
Rupert, 33, then talks about sex.
“Eva is a very sexual woman and not many people know the real her. She’s ruthless and gets whatever and whoever she wants. I was besotted with her and we were planning a family, but she chewed me up and spat me out.”
Is Thomas Muller heading to Manchester United?
The Sunday Express leads with news that Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller, 25, wants to join Manchester United. Readers learn that United have had a £60 million bid rejected this summer but Bayern manager manager Pep Guardiola is “prepared to cash in”.
The Telegraph says the bid was £50m.
The German champion’s chief executive Karl-Heinz Rummenigge is wary of Premier League cash, telling media:
“The Bundesliga has to be careful not to fall further behind. We would be out of our minds to sell Muller… It’s difficult. Everyone knows our old friend Louis van Gaal. He is very stubborn in those things. Maybe he thinks that there is a price where Bayern will start to ruminate but there is no price at all. As I said because of our partners and our really good financial situation we are completely resistant. There is no price, Thomas Muller has four years more on his contract. There is no one, not here or anywhere, who can explain to me why we should sell Thomas Muller.”
But he wants to join, right? The Express reports:
“Muller has confided in friends that he is interested in a move to United alongside Schweinsteiger who has been delighted with his Old Trafford welcome. Muller knows that his wages would enjoy a hefty rise.”
Is that the ploy: confide in’ friends’ who betray their pal’s trust by telling media that the star could earn a lot more at another club thus triggereing a pay rise? Are those nameless friends also employees of Muller’s agent?
The Metro reads the Express‘ “exclusive” and thunders: “Thomas Muller desperate to make Manchester United transfer.”
Helpfully, Thomas Muller was happy to talk about the rumours after scoring twice in Bayern’s 5-0 tonking of Hamburg. Asked if Van Gaal was after signing him, Muller replied:
“I don’t know, you have to ask him. I am the wrong man for this question.”
So. He’s not desperate to join Manchester United, then.
It’s sexism, isn’t. The row between Jose Mourinho and his medical team is all about sex and gender. It’s Jose Mourinho v Dr Eva Carneiro. No one spares a thought for Jon Fearn, the domestic-reared male who works as the Chelsea physio. When he and Dr Carneiro dashed onto the Stamford Bridge turf to treat the stricken Eden Hazard, the journalisomobile noticed only Mourinho jittering on the sidelines and Dr Eva looking astonishing female.
Edward Heath the peadophile: Jimmy Savile’s nephew says, police trawl, Myra Ling-Ling Forde’s tame coppers
No-one has dug Ted Heath up and buried the former Prime Minister face down in an unmarked grave. Yet. Police in Wiltshire and the NSPCC are inviting anyone who ‘believes’ they may have been absued by the dead Tory Leader in his lifetime to get in touch via a hotline.
The advert trills:
Sir Edward Heath has been named in relation to offences concerning children. He lived in Salisbury for many years and we would like to hear from anyone who has any relevant information that may assist us in our enquiries or anyone who believes they may have been a victim.
Not alleged offences. Simply offences. Ted is “named”. It has been decreed. And it’s hard to escape that part about “belief”. Once upon a time, only victims were allowed to call the official hotlines dealing with historical sex abuse. Now anyone who believes they’ve been a victim can call.
Prince William issues his latest attack on free speech: Prince George and Princess Charlotte are beyond your grasp
Kensington Palace says photographers must stop harrassing Prince George and Princess Charlotte. Look out for lots of stories demanding Kate and Wills have their privacy, all illustrated with stick drawings of the Family.
Kensington Palace communications secretary Jason Knauf tells us:
“It is of course upsetting that such tactics – reminiscent as they are of past surveillance by groups intent on doing more than capturing images – are being deployed to profit from the image of a two-year-old boy.
“In a heightened security environment such tactics are a risk to all involved.
“The worry is that it will not always be possible to quickly distinguish between someone taking photos and someone intending to do more immediate harm.”
It’s a terrorism issue? The paps want shooting? Maybe instead of shooting a lovely creature in cold blood, Prince George right of passage could involve spearing a photographer in the face?
When is racism not racism? When it’s “religious sectarianism”. The Times says Britain’s Muslim “community” is not all that united. Not that people who share a common spirituality or colour hold community meetings. The world ‘community’ is patrionising, individual-denying and horribly misused. If you’re in a community you get to have a community spokesman (often the kind of utter berk who likes control and power) with whom the majority can meet to sort out your issues. It saves time and the effort of seeing people as contradictory and complex selves.
An investigation by The Times has found a sharp but largely hidden rise in sectarian tensions between the minority Shia community and the dominant Sunni groups, driven by the long, bitter war in Syria. Ill-feeling is being stoked by vitriolic preachers on both sides of the divide — including some who lecture at British universities — and incidents such as assaults, attacks on buildings and intimidation online.
You see. Berks.
Sayed Ammar Nakshwani, one of the world’s leading Shia clerics, revealed that he recently left Britain for the United States after enduring years of intimidation from hardline Sunnis who allegedly threatened his life, followed his parents and vandalised his car.
Sheikh Ahmed Haneef, a Shia imam in London, called for 24-hour police protection for Shia mosques and said that community leaders needed to step up security to guard against the threat of “blowback” from Islamic State sympathisers carrying out terrorist attacks.
Qari Muhammad Asim, a leading Sunni voice and imam at the Makkah mosque in Leeds, is quoted:
“Our faith doesn’t condone takfir [excommunication] of another. It is against Prophetic tradition and if we follow the same path as the Middle East, where sectarianism has fuelled conflict, we are in trouble.”
Mr Haneef, of the Islamic Centre of England, a Shia mosque in north London, makes a sound point:
“The venomous preaching combined with the jihadists coming back into the country and looking to carry out opportunist attacks — that puts us in a very dangerous situation. We’re a soft target for opportunist terrorism. We have been ramping up security but I don’t think it’s enough — we should have round-the-clock police protection. The community needs to be more aware of the threat. We need to be more like the Jewish community, who are extremely sensitive to the security issues.”
We’d argue that people need to think more for themselves.
What the row over Chelsea club doctor Eva Carneiro needed was the views of Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger. Jose Mourinho has behaved badly, comparing Dr Carneiro to a secretary and banishing her from the bench for the match away to Manchester City on Sunday. Her offence was to have raced onto the pitch to treat a stricken Eden Hazard (Jose said he was “tired”) against his wishes during Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea City at Stamford Bridge last Saturday.
So. Here’s Wenger fielding a question on the fracas from the Press pack:
“I’m not greatly interested about what is going on at Chelsea. It is a problem inside the club that if you are not united it is more difficult. It is the trust and unity that makes the strength.”
“The rules are quite clear that when the referee gives an indication that the medical [staff] can come on they come on. After that what happens specifically in the situation I don’t know but the rules are quite clear. It is the referee who makes the decision.”
Cue Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta:
“The way he behaved and the way he defended the club when we were really under pressure is something I admire. We all owe him.”
Unity they name is Arsenal.
To South Carolina, where “an older white male” has stolen $75 worth of ribeye steaks by secreting the meat inside his colostomy bag.
David Samuel Hoyt, 55, admitted the theft.
The steaks remain missing.
To Phoenix, Arizona, where Okilly Dokilly – the world’s first and only Ned Flanders tribute band – are talking to James McCann. They play ‘Nedal’ music. It being what The Simpson’s character would have wanted.
As their Facebook bio notes: “most of our songs are direct Ned quotes.”
Lead Singer Head Ned On How They Got Started
“Myself and our drummer (Bled Ned) were in line at a grocery store, entertaining ourselves by coming up with really cutesy names for really hardcore, brutal bands. The name Okilly Dokilly came up and was very funny to us. We ran with it. I contacted a few friends (Red Ned, Thread Ned and Stead Ned), and here we are. Most of us have played in other bands around our hometown. This is definitely the heaviest sounding project any of us Neds have done.”
“Not as fast as Bartcore, and a little cleaner than Krusty Punk. Not as heavy as ‘Homer J.ent’ – Nedal is a happy medium in the Simpscene.”
Are You All Left Handed?
“I am,”says Head Ned. “The other Neds aren’t so lucky. It made writing All That Is Left pretty fun,” he continues. “It’s our homage to the Leftorium, and the bridge is entirely left handed puns.”
In reality, this is all just an over-the-top attempt at getting Matt Groening’s autograph, even if it comes on a cease and desist letter.
And now for the demo tape: