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What role did Eva Carneiro, the former Chelsea club doctor who left her post in controversial circumstances, play in Jose Mourinho’s downfall. In a word: none. The Spiky One was was sacked because Chelsea were losing matches and flirting with relegation.
But the tabloids turn Dr Eva v Jose into a front-page debate.
Question asked. Question answered.
San Diego County Sheriff’s deputies allegedly found a few items on Kristina Green, 19, and Gary Withers, 38 – most of which had been dropped off by the Amazon delivery truck driver they were following in Encinitas, Southern California.
Police arrested the two men. They found:
Amazon packages the driven they were tailing had dropped off on his rounds.
One loaded firearm
13 pieces of stolen mail
Methamphetamine and heroin
A notebook in which thy had compiled a to-do list. One do “Kiss mom n tell her she’s loved.” Another said: “Shoplift.”
The pair are facing charges of mail theft, possession of meth, possession of heroin, felon in possession of a handgun and possession of stolen property.
The only thing not stolen, allegedly, was that kiss.
Good news in the Daily Star where “MUM BUYS CHRISTMAS FOR £4- and that includes all the trimmings”.
This is especially good news for one other Daily Star mum, whose Christmas was eaten by giant rats:
Rats cause £4 worth if damage. Read all about it!
Major Tim Peake is in spaaaaaace. He’s Britain’s first official astronaut to fly to the International Space Station. The British Interplanetary Society says Major Tim is the seventh person born in the UK to have blasted into the great beyond. The first British astronaut was Helen Sharman.
It’s the kind of news that cannot fail to bring joy and a sense of wonder. The world looks up. And it is glorious.
Unless you read the Daily Star, which bills Major Tim as “FIRST GINGER BRIT IN SPACE”. Surely there have been other ginger Britons before Tim Peake was born? We think of Cilla Black, King Henry VIII and James Hewitt.
Inside, spread over pages 6 and 7, Star readers get more on Major Tim. News is that Tim is the first British astronaut – he isn’t – and was not the first ginger to be strapped to rocket and expelled from the Earth’s atmosphere. Tintin beat him to it. Tintin is a cartoon character. And a Belgian.
Some irony that as the country looks to the stars, the Daily Star should get it so badly wrong.
The Daily Star has news on rats. This week they are eating Christmas:
News is that “monster rats” ate the Christmas presents “dad Duane Williams” had left beneath the Christmas tree at his family’s temporary council house. Of course, Xmas is not over because Santa will come with lost more gifts. Right, kids? RIGHT!
Former Chelsea player David Luiz is worried about going bald. He’s been researching how it can be prevented. Short of dying young with his ringlets still inserted in his scalp, he could do as as other have done and walk about Los Angeles with a hat on for some months, enjoying the city where the likes of fellow beanie hat wearers Brad Pitt and David Beckham hang out. It is an established fact that anyone wearing a beanie hat in the LA sunshine is prevented from every going bald. See also: being in The Rolling Stones.
But David Luiz had found a new method. Speaking in an interview with Journal du Dimanche, PSG’s Brazilian centre-half announced:
I know I look crazy but I am not! It is just hair… Yes, my father is bald. But I found a way to save my hair.
I met with a doctor in Brazil, who has developed a special treatment. It takes some cells from here (your hip) and then relocates then.
I will do it. In ten years it will be the solution for people who have lost their hair. You should try it!
Nice of David to offer everyone cells form his hop, but best to wait until his playing days are open lest he become lopsided and take to running around in circles like the current Chelsea defence.
Did you read the story on the Paris kindergarten teacher stabbed in the neck by a jihadi who told her this “was for Daesh”?
The Independent reported the news as fact, even identifying the weapon:
Loulla-Mae Eleftheriou-Smith had lots of facts:
A hooded man shouting allegiance to Isis has stabbed a nursery school teacher in the throat in his Paris classroom. The attack, which happened a month and a day after the jihadist massacres in France, took place before children arrived at a state nursery school in Aubervilliers, just north of the Paris city boundary.
But CNN reports that the man “made up the attack.” The teacher is in the hospital with wounds but it’s not clear how they were actually caused.
The Independent’s report is complete and utter balls.
At Hull Magistrates’ Court, Michael Willby says he keeps his garden looking like a Haiti slum to deter thieves. He explains:
“If I lived in a nicer area, then I would be able to have a nicer garden.
“But the fact is this whole area is being turned into a place I don’t recognise. It used to be full of families, but now there are seven or eight hostels, just on this one street. I keep my garden this way to stop people from climbing on to my roof and trying to break into the house, and the fact is that it works. As long as there are still the same problems on this street, I’m not going to change anything.”
He is fined £540 in fines and costs.
Old Mr Anorak, our patron, nods, explaining that when working at the United Nations in the 1970s he’d smear himself in dog poo to deter all but the city’s most persistent muggers. It might also be how he met Robert Mapplethorpe. But that’s another tory.
Today’s woman being pulled to pieces by Sarah Vine is Kate Middleton, aka the Duchess of Cambridge, who had the temerity to go shopping with non-bouncy hair, “eyes puffy and lined”, and looking “shattered”.
So bitchy and cruel is the Daily Mail’s front-page article that the only sensible deduction is that agent Vine is in the pay of the Royal Family, her job to make the newspapers look invasive and ugly, thus enabling heavily-styled man-with-the-common-touch Prince William to pontificate on press freedom without anyone thinking him a bit of a knob.
Vine’s schtick is to rip her target to pieces before reassembling them, in much the same way a torturer or abusive partner might do. She hopes her attack is the “wake-up call she [Kate] needs to finally do what everyone is probably begging her to do: slow down, stop being such a perfectionist and have a well-deserved rest. It is Christmas, after all.”
It is what Jesus would have wanted.
What do we think of ‘John’, the man who can be heard declaring “You ain’t no Muslim, bruv” as suspected knifeman Muhayadin Mire, 29, allegedly attempted to murder a man at London’s Leytonstone Tube station?
As Mire waits for his Old Bailey trial, the man praised by David Cameron for shouting “You ain’t no Muslim, bruv” is revealed to be a 39-year-old security guard. And he’s no Muslim, either.
He speaks to the Sunday Times:
“Isis should be wiped out, because they’re not Muslims, because Muslims don’t do that. It’s as simple as that. For people to be like that, they’ve obviously got stone hearts, they don’t care about society. They don’t care about anyone. They’re evil, pure evil.”
More vital than John’s views on Islam and ISIS are his actions. This is how the paper describes what John did when he saw the attacks and the blood:
The security guard from north London explained how he walked into Leytonstone Tube station last Saturday and was confronted by a man shouting and brandishing a knife. He pulled out his phone and began videoing the knifewielder, who attacked two men…
One man was left in a pool of blood and required five hours of surgery in hospital.
As police Tasered the suspect and wrestled him to the floor, John leant over the ticket barriers and shouted: “You ain’t no Muslim, bruv. You ain’t no Muslim.”
Someone else might have vaulted the barrier and used their training as a security expert to protect people and maybe help others beat down the assailant. We could be generous and say that John preferred to keep order by making sure the entrance and exit remained secured, thus preventing any fare dodgers or jihadis from causing more problems. Or we could be critical and say that when you see a man allegedly trying to decapitate another man and think you’re presence would be best served watching it through your mobile, you have issues.
John is surprised that he is now regarded as a hero.
He’s not the only one.
“I just said how I felt, to be honest — that just came naturally,” he said.
John’s at heart a documentary film maker.
“This was the first time I’ve seen any major violence like that. It just happened so quick. I tend to say how I feel. I didn’t see the knife at the time, but afterwards I realised. I saw a little flash of something and that’s when I shouted.
“I’ve got a kid, he’s 20. He just said, ‘Dad, you’ve done the right thing’. I said what I had to say, and for someone to agree that is close to me made me feel good,” he said.
Because hecklers are heroes, too.
Madeleine McCann is back. The missing child – the media’s benchmark for all missing children – looks out from the cover of the Daily Express, as she has done so many time before.
What do we miss most about ‘Our Maddy’ at Christmas”?
As the Daily Express readership compile a list of things they miss about ‘Our Maddy’, we interject: it’s not about your ‘Our Maddy’, the media construct; it’s about the parents’ ‘Our Maddy’. It is the “Parents’ Heartache”.
On Page 5, we get more. We get a list of things Kate and Gerry McCann miss about their daughter.
You might have read this front-page scoop on November 11, when it featured in pretty much every tabloid.
Why now has the Express seen fit not only to repeat the story but to make it front-page news?
We can only suppose that what with there being no other news in the world right now, the editor pressed f9 on the keyboard and pumped out a routine ‘Our Maddy’ no-news feature.
To Mitcham, where police are seeking a man who drove into the Co-op supermarket on a hoverboard – and drove out with a case of Lucozade, which he forgot to pay for.
Anyone feel a Luozade marketing campaign coming on: Lucozade gives you wings? Or has that been done?
The good new is that the jet next to the one on fire is now covered in protective foam. The less good news is that the Air China jet sat smouldering on the runway at Fuzhou Changle airport continues to burn.
The right-hand engine of a Boeing 737, Air China Flight CA1822 to Beijing caught fire at around 8am. Crew on the plane behind, Fuzhou Airlines FU6577, spotted the flames and notified the Air China captain. The Air China aircraft closed down the engine and then called fightfighters.
Eight fire trucks arrived. They surrounded the Fuzhou Airlines aircraft and sprayed foam all over it. They then noticed the burning Air China aircraft.
You have nothing to worry about.
Christmas news now in the form of Ted the cat, who was unable to sign for his advent calendar because the Royal Mail insisted he needed ID to pick it up, and what with Ted being a cat, he doesn’t have any. Moreover, he can’t hold a pen to scribble an unintelligible blot one of those electronic keypads.
Ted’s owner, Brittany Maher-Kirk, was out when the Royal Mail called, so the cheery package was sent back to the Royal Mail depot, who said she couldn’t pick it up as it was addressed to the cat.
Things were all sorted in the end. But we’re left to wonder what is inside a cat’s advent calendar – and if a dead song behind a perforated cardboard door is what Jesus would have wanted?
To New South Wales, Australia, where a bunch of marine students from the National Marine Science Centre, have ‘rescued’ a wallaby, “lost at sea”.
Says Laura Sanchez-Peregrine: “We see this thing swimming – it’s like a hairy thing. At first I thought it was a seal, but we came closer and it was a big wallaby, maybe a 25-kilogram wallaby – a big male. He looked really, really exhausted. We decided to help him, but it was really difficult to bring him on board. It’s a really small tinny, and he had really long claws, so it was pretty scary and he wouldn’t let us grab him.”
You’ve got to love these stories. The wallaby has trained, gathered sponsorship pledges and set out on what he hopes will be record-breaking swim. A few hundred yards from home, he’s acocsted by a gang of humans in a boat, who drag him from the water and return him to dry land.
They even give him a new name, Swampy.
Laura says Swampy, known to his pals as ‘Flipper’, was “remarkably good condition… He stayed on the beach for two minutes, super exhausted standing there, couldn’t move at all. And then yeah, he just went – hopped off and waved goodbye.”
Better check that wave one more time, Laura. Wallabies have more than one finger.
The headline is, of course, bunkum. The BBC has not refused to televise Tyson Fury fights because the State broadcaster shows no meaningful boxing, just as it transmits no live Premier League football or club rugby, The Open golf tournament, fishing and international cricket.
What the BBC will do, however, is dream up a boring televised AGM awards do, call it – get this – BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards, and then agonise over the inclusion of any sportsman or woman who refuses to let only their feet or fists do the talking.
And so it is that Tyson Fury, the world heavyweight boxing champion, finds his position as a State TV-endorsed personality under threat because he said a woman “belongs in the kitchen” and “on her back”. Fury also considers homosexuality a crime against the Christian God he wears on his sleeve. For his sins, Fury is being investigated by Britain’s thought police.
Fury is clearly a bigot. Anyone who hears him talk and finds themselves nodding is most likely punch drunk or pitifully – but not criminally – thick.
But he is a more than decent boxer. Beating Wladimir Klitschko to become world heavyweight champion was admirable. He out-boxed his opponent. He did not out-opinion him. He didn’t have to. The debating society is not so rough. A decent right hook can secure you a top job in the Labour Party, but that mob are desperate and flailing.
Neither was the fight a battle of morals. You like Mohammed Ali, the boxer voted BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year twice? You know his view on race? Here’s a dose:
Last year’s winner of the BBC shindig was Lewis Hamilton – the British tax-exile who lives in Switzerland.
Don’t vote for the morals or the words – vote for the sporting achievement.
If you watch a football match and find yourself wondering, “I’m unsure about entering the war in Syria, so I’ll wait and see if Andy Murray wins this point. If he does, I think we should start bombing” you need psychiatric help.
Of course, you’ll have to watch the champions on a broadcaster other than the BBC, which largely eschews sport as a battle of skill, preferring to spend its days inviting the audience to answer the saddest question of all, as it put it to them via Radio 5 Live: “Are sportsman role models”. What it means, of course, is are these athletes cheered by the guileless unknowing, the great unwashed, the kind of people who read red-top tabloids and watch sport in pubs – a demographic so brainless and lacking in parental guidance they see Wayne Rooney as a father figure? Do people not like us see sportsman as role models?
To which we’d say: is the BBC a role model? That question to you, Tyson Fury.
Big news in the Sun, whereon Rita Ora is trailing the X Factor grand final – and pointing to what this year’s winner can expect from pop stardom:
“RITA – I’ve lost count of times my boobs popped out”.
It’s sensational front-page news – with a key pulled quote from a two-page interview – that has Sun readers asking, ‘Popped out.. for a curry / to the shops?’ And, moreover, what of ‘nipped out’, which certainly lends itself to a better pun.
We’d leave it there, but spread like a bikini-clad St. Agatha over pages 12 and 13, Rita has more news of her wayward, fresh-air-seeking breasts.
X Factor judge Rita Ora is becoming as famous for her unruly boobs as she is for her singing career.
Rita’s music might be middle-of -the road, but her tits are most certainly punk.
But she doesn’t care and admits she has lost count of the times her nipples have accidentally gone on display.
Gone on display? As in been exhibited, perhaps, in a museum or on Simon Cowell’s mantelpiece? Says Rita:
“It’s fun. It has happened to me lots so I am not paranoid about it anymore. You end up losing track of them.”
Here’s a tip, Rita: why not keep tabs on your boobs by making your next tattoo a barcode. If your breasts gets out, then call UPS and have them trace your primary female characteristics and pick them them – making sure your in between the hours of 8am and 5pm.
Who can be blamed for Manchester United crashing out of the Champions League in the group stages? It’s worth noting that this is an improvement on last season, when United failed to even qualify for European football’s biggest tournament.
The Mail says the buck starts and stops with United manager Louis Van Gaal, who is “hammered for his abysmal tactics”. Martin Samuel says United lost “because they could not not pick ip an old-fashioned big lad in the penalty area at set-pieces”.
As Van Gaal admits to his side going “backwards”, Chris Wheeler says United’s owners, the Glazer family, want to extend his contract beyond 2017.
No evidence that they do. But just saying it is enough to start that most wanted to tabloid aims: a heated debate.
Overall, though, the papers are split between leading with a dejected Van Gaal…
…or a his over-paid, under-talented side:
Any United fans in need to a laugh – or at best a distraction – can look to the Mirror, where David McDonnell delivers a tortuous intro:
And so it proved Emission Impossible for Manchester United as their Champions League campaign spluttered to a halt.
Wolfsburg may have been rocked by the emissions scandal that has engulfed sponsors Volkswagen, but last night it was the Reds who were left on the hard shoulder of European football.
As you wince at that, better, perhaps, to turn to the Times, where Henry Winter is in his pomp:
Embarrassing. Manchester United deservedly departed the Champions League because they defended like amateurs, not like elite professionals. They were drawn in an easier group than Manchester City yet find themselves in the Europa League. Welcome to Thursdays. Excruciating.
And Van Gaal?
Van Gaal’s reputation was damaged here. For United’s biggest game of the season, he took two eye-catching decisions. Guillermo Varela, the 22-year-old Uruguayan who made his debut against West Ham United on Saturday, started at right back; he made a couple of good tackles, but betrayed his inexperience by getting dragged into the centre, gifting André Schürrle space outside.
More controversial was Van Gaal’s decision to field Marouane Fellaini alongside Bastian Schweinsteiger with Michael Carrick kicking his heels on the bench and having to wait until 20 minutes from time for his 70th Champions League appearance. Fellaini lost the ball twice in the opening five minutes and did little to stop Wolfsburg’s counterattacks.
Which can all be summed by two words from the Sun: “Van Damned.”
Transfer balls: The Daily Telegraph says Manchester Untied are ready to splurge £143,9m on Neymar.
So incredible is the story that Neymar appears to point to it, laughing:
The paper reports:
It would be a staggering and eye-watering deal if Manchester United could pull it off but the likelihood of Neymar joining Old Trafford remains extremely slim.
How slim is slim?
Even though the Barcelona forward insists he’s happy at the Nou Camp and doesn’t see his future anywhere else, that does not seem to stop reports surfacing that United will up the ante in an attempt to persuade the seemingly unpersuadable.
Is “reports surfacing” code for ‘reports being made-up’?
Today reports are doing the rounds that United are preparing a quite preposterous £143.9 million offer to sign the Brazilian next month.
See: Daily Telegraph.
…But for all the money United appear willing to splash out in an attempt to land Neymar, the player is not for budging. Barca, however, may be willing to sell – in order to balance the books.
The Tele doesn’t bother to link to the source of its story.
The Star says the story emerges from Old Trafford.
The Star gives its source as The Metro:
The Metro says the story is rooted in Spain.
Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale have been linked, but Fichajes says United are preparing a £143.9m move for Neymar.
Over there, we’re told nothing of that nutzoid fee being quoted across the UK Press. But we do learn that United have €200m so invest and “the Brazilian international will not hear talk of the Red Devils…. Neymar currently wants to establish itself as the absolute star of the Spanish league and follow in the footsteps of Lionel Messi as Barca”.
Such are the facts.
This video created by the European Society of Urology affords us an insight into male-to-female gender surgery. the process uses the penis and testicles to construct a vagina – one able to orgasm. The penis’s tip creates a neoclitoris. The labia is made form the skin of the scrotum and shaft.
Farewell, Gary Monk, manager of Swansea City, soon to be the Swans’ ex-manager. The papers all agree that the affable young Englishman is to be replaced by former Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers.
But let’s not shed a tear for Monk. The Sun says he’s in line for a£3m payoff to Monk., That’s not too shabby.
CAROLO Ancelotti is vying with Pep Guardiola for the Manchester United job. The Sun leads with “CARLO SEES RED – I’d love to be boss of United.”
The Sun shows Ancelotti looking huge and vibrant, massive, hulking presence over Louis Van Gaal, the current Man United manager, who appears tiny, looking down and rubbing his nose.
This scoop is based on what Ancelotti told the Independent:
“I will continue to wait. If I don’t find a club with a good project, I can wait. What will I do? Watching games, fishing, all these things. But let us see next summer. I will not take a job in mid-season, but I would like to work again next summer.”
The Sun suggests Man United.
“Of course, for every manager, they would all think of managing Manchester United.”
Ancelotti has been on the media rounds. He’s looking for a top job, letting everyone know he’s available. Just get a load of these stories in the Daily Mail:
Ancelotti to Arsenal would be perfect. Why have the wheels not already been set in motion?!’ – Daily Mail, March 2015.
‘Liverpool make contact with Carlo Ancelotti as pressure mounts on Brendan Rodgers’ – Daily Mail, September 2015.
‘Chelsea plan for Jose Mourinho exit with Carlo Ancelotti waiting in the wings’ – Daily Mail, October 2015.
‘Carlo Ancelotti has now set his sights on his next coaching role. He wants the Bayern Munich job if Pep Guardiola decides to leave’ – Daily Mail, December 2015.
“RARE MEAT COULD KILL.” So declares the Sun via its front page. How rare? This rare?
The Sun says “deadly superbugs” might be alive in your meaty dinner. These bugs are “drug-resistant superbugs”, maybe. But worry ye not. They can be killed by… cooking!
The Sun helpfully explains what cooking is to its slack-jawed readers. Tips include:
- Use a pan
- Use a hot grill
But mostly vitally: ensure animal is dead. Those things can really kick.