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THE recipe for beating “anxiety and stress” for middle-aged women is 4mph.
The Mail looks at research that says walking at 4mph, five times a week for 40 minutes will result in a wetter nose, springy limbs and a happy disposition.
But the study is at odds with advice meted out in the UK, which calls for exercising five times a week for 30 minutes or more. “Exertion should be enough to raise the heart rate for 120 beats a minute or higher.”
That’s high. To get your heart to the required rate at a sauntering 4mph will mean you have to be unfit. As you get fitter, your heart rate improves and you may find yourselves walking for months at a time in a bid to hit the magical 120bpm.
This may bring about the onset of dark thoughts, and how your life has no meaning.
We suggest that before exercising you print out a sponsorship form and walk for charity, thereby ensuring that your exercising is helping someone…
NEWS that the Bin Ladens are moving to Calderdale, Yorkshire. Says Jane Felix-Brown, married to Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar: “We want peace, we both want peace.
“Omar wants to be an ambassador for peace and I am right behind him,” the Sun reports.
How far is unsaid, but you are free to guess…
“WOULD Python do a Brian on Muslims?” asks the Sun’s Kelvin Mackenzie.
“Suppose the Monty Python team wanted to do a remake today but decided they had ‘done’ Christianity and wanted to concentrate their humour on, shall we say, Islam.”
It is soon evident that the impression MacKenzie has plucked Islam from the air is a contrivance and the thrust of his piece is how Muslims would react – unfavourably – to such a film.
But we play the game and imagine what it would be like to watch a group of late middle-aged, white men lending their brand of English, victim-based humour to Mohammed and a religion to which none are members?
And how sad, lonely men in accounts and marketing would regale their fellow Algerians and Iraqis with their hilarious take offs of John Cleese’s suicide bomber…
NOTES Dizzy: “The danger of Ron Paul and the peril of writing him off.”
At last the day arrives, the starting gun of the Iowa Caucus will soon be fired and the long months of pre-presidential campaign will be over. The consensus, at least on the Left, is that after 8 years of ‘neocon’ Bush (note that neocon is a perjorative now) , the US will at ast be able to return to sound Democrat rule. The Republican Party has imploded they say, evidenced by the diversity of its nomintion hopefuls.Such analysis is of course nonsense simple because the nominees across the party’s are actually diverse and always have been. Only a simpleton would make such statements because they would be trying to apply the notion of a nationally held party line of issues x y and z to a nation that does not, has not, and never will work like that. The amazing thing about Iowa in the years that I have observed the electoral marvels of the American Empire is that it almost always throws up surprises. A frontrunner will fall and an outsider will rise.
Occassionally an outsider will rise and then scream and shout in victory so insanely that everyone thinks he is nuts and photoshops pictures of him squeezing the life out of a kitten in his momentary fit of pique. That was the Democrat Howard Dean if you didn’t know. A guy whose campaign was built almost exclusively online. This time round there is no Democrat like him and instead the Internet buzz nominee is Dr Ron Paul. A pure constutionalist libertarian who seems to make lots of people wet with excitement, at least on the blog and YouTube anyway.
Yet if you read much of the mainstream media you will find little out about him. Supporters of Paul, and I mean the serious supporters, will talk about a conspiracy against him. Even if commentators praise his Internet rise and meteoric fundraising if the write him off they are, as James Forsythe at the CoffeeHouse has found, be accused of being part of the Murdoch Empire. To not give Paul the time of day is too be against him for some darker, or more feared reason. Personally I think this is nonsense in almost all cases.
The fact is Paul, for all his resonance online, appears to only poll at a level nationally that means he has no chance of actually winning. Whilst supporters will say this is because of the media conspiracy against him, with the exception of some very specific incidents, many commentators still only have the polls to go in their analysis and have to take much of it at face value, especially foreign correspondants. Then there is the Dean Factor. Last time round the mainstream media got excited about Deam, and then they were left with egg on their face after the screaming incident.
This is not to say they think Paul, who is in his 70s, will do a Dean. But I think they are wary about how badly they are willing to get it wrong. Getting it wrong is one thing, getting it wrong and bigging up a nutter makes them look even sillier. They are simple being cautious ahead of Iowa, and if Paul does the unthinkable it will have to change, but they’re waiting for that moment. Stick with the frontrunners and then reassess when the poll is over appears to be the editorial line for now, and there really is nothing wrong with that.
Writing Ron Paul off is undoubtedly dangerous. No one can be quite sure how his online campaign will translate into votes, and I know someone who is in Iowa today doing whatever is the equivalent of knocking on doors in a British Elections. But, and there is always a but, it’s not only dangerous to write Paul off but it’s dangerous to consider supporting a Paul Presidency (not that I have a vote of course). At least that is my outsider view and my frame of reference has to be how the Presidency relates to the outside world not the domestic arena. Paul, for all his small government domestic appeal, would be a nightmare internationally. This is because of all the candidates, across all the parties, he has the strongest of classic American imperial denial.
There is no doubt in my mind that America is an Empire you see. Not an empire in the colonial sense, but the post-colonial hyperpower that has the responisibilty on its shoulder to bring stability to the global order. The problems is almost all American reject the concept of empire thanks to its perjorative undertones. The Left are very goos at this of course. They have a tendency to think that if the world could just have a big group hug it would all be alright. The truth is though, if America is not the global power then someone else will be and, frankly, those other options are shittier than a shitty stick stuck inside a big pile of shit.
Ron Paul, who is on the Right but firmlyin the imperial denial world too, represents a literalist view of the US Constitution which makes him an isolationist. It might sound appealing when he quips that on matters of foreign policy he would consult the constitution rather than his counsel, but a world without America as the hegemonic power is a world with a different hegemon. That is worth remembering and repeating. An isolationist America would be a very bad thing for the world. Just look at the alternative choices of China and Russia. Real Politik may make you whince, it may make you uneasy, but remember this. The others will do it too, and they ain’t the nicest of folks. In the end it comes down to this. Write off Ron Paul at your peril and desire a Ron Paul presidency equally so.
Note: Should any Ron Paul supporters read this post and get annoyed. I can confirm that News Corp have paid me money in the past. In fact paid two cheques into my bank yesterday. Feel free to dismiss the post on those grounds alone.
IN the jungle: “Male macaque monkeys ‘pay’ for sex with females by grooming them, scientists have revealed.”
The availability of females even affects the “price”. Where there are fewer females, males are forced to groom their partners for up to twice as long before they are able to have sex, the research found.
Sexual activity among a 50-strong group of long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, increased after bouts of male-to-female grooming, according to findings published in Animal Behaviour journal and reported in New Scientist.
Look out for Government tolerance zones
YOU see: “There have been more books and articles about toilet-training your cat than you’d think. In the summer of 1989, when Misha was a small kitten with big ears and enough meow for five cats, I searched out and read a half-dozen of them. And then tried it myself, and discovered there were a couple of things they all failed to mention …
“Some of the advice in those books turned out to be impractical. Some of it was unnecessary. Some of it was quite sensible and worked like a charm. A lot of what works and what doesn’t work depends on the individual cat — on her personality and smarts. Here’s what worked for me and Misha.
“The central idea is that the transition from litter box to toilet be accomplished in a series of stages. You make a small change and then give your cat time to adjust before you make another small change. If at any time Felix gives the whole thing up and pees on the rug instead, you’re pushing him too far too fast; back up a stage or two and try again, more slowly.
“In the following instructions, I’ve used the word ‘rest’ to mean: do nothing for a period of between a day and a week, depending on how flappable your cat is. (Misha caught on fast and was completely trained in under two weeks, far in advance of what the books led me to expect.)
“Ready? First start by training yourself …”
Man Catches Glasses With His Face:
POLE Dancing at the Nile High Camp in Jinja Uganda:
WE should look at Suri Cruise and Knut the polar bear in the context of global warming.
The environment has turned up some odd bedfellows, but surely the daughter of the world’s leading celebrity scientologist and an abandoned German polar bear called Knut (silent ‘K’) beats even the usual mix of millionaires – Zac Goldsmith, Al Gore, David Cameron – jetting about the world telling the poor fools, (you) how to cycle to work.
People magazine reports that the Animation Picture Company has offered the Berlin Zoo $5 million for the rights to Knut the polar bear’s story, reports People magazine.
Producer Ash R. Shah says: “With his friendly character, he’s serves as an ambassador for the Earth’s problems – climate change and the melting polar ice caps. A movie about Knut would affect people all over the world.”
Especially those people with access to a cinema and looking for something new after a kangaroo (Skippy), Flipper (Dolphin) and Lassie (Come Home) hung up their nervous ticks.
Perhaps all four could join forces and summon each and every one of us to help by twitching those noses. What’s that, Knut? We are fallen down the abandoned mine shaft and in need of help? The well is filling with melted ice?
What’s more, Shah wants Suri Cruise to voice Knut. Says he: “I see the heartwarming relationship between Knut and his caretaker, Thomas Doerflein, at the centre of the movie… Suri [Cruise] could speak the English voice of Knut.”
We are unsure if Suri, aged two, can speak English, nor if Knut, who’s just turned one, has an agent.
Indeed, both may require more adult supervision, possibly with Suri’s father Tom Cruise playing the role of the aforesaid Skippy, jumping about all over the place and demanding attention…
UK beats France at international sport. EU Ref:
Given all the breast-beating about street violence in the UK, it is interesting to see that the French authorities are congratulating themselves that the national sport of car burning seems to be under control.
This year, as part of the New Year “celebrations”, only 372 cars were torched in the French banlieues, compared with 397 last year, with a mere 259 people arrested.
The “normal” marker is about 50 cars burned each and every weekend, although when there is something very special to celebrate, the tally goes up. On the night of the presidential elections in May, for instance, Muslim rioters set fire to 367 cars – slightly less than the New Year tally. To compensate, arrests were slightly higher at 270.
However, while the French tally seems to get special media attention, it is worth noting that, in the UK, “malicious car fires” seem to be as much of a problem. From about 40,000 in the year in 1996, the last available figures (2002) show a near doubling, to about 70,000 in the year, or close to 200 a day.
Considering how popular this sport has become, one wonders whether it should be included in the Olympics for 2012 – but there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that Renault are looking to sponsor the event.
DIZZY looks at Gordon Brown’s airbrushing: “Should anyone wish to have a good laugh on this utterly pointless day back in the office for the shortest working week of the year, then I strongly recommend having a look at the review of Gordon Brown’s year on Downing Street website. Pay particular attention to September, October, November and December which make no references to the nightmares he’s has faced.
“There is no mention of ‘changes’ to inheritance tax which he tried to hail as significant. Nor is there mention of the changes to Capital Gains Tax which have caused so many problems. Nor is there a mention of his desire to map out his vision for the country that we heard so much about.
“There is no mention that the tripartite system of banking failed to stop a run on a British bank, resulting in the taxpayer propping it up to the tune of over £20 billion. It gets merely a brief mention in December about how the economy is strong and he’s going to save the day.
“Don’t expect to see anything about the Government’s inability to get its own immigration figures right, resulting in correction after correction. As for the loss of 25 million personal bank details from Her Majestys Revenue and Customs it never happened. Repeat after me. It. Never. Happened.”
“’Our next song,’ announces 11-year-old Robert Ntegereje, at the front of his primary school class, ‘is about how we can look after the gorillas by planting trees wherever they live.’ It’s hardly an announcement you’d hear in a school in Britain.”
The Anorak confesses that it took three readings to understand that the boy’s call to planting was not enacted in a British school.
Indeed, it was only when Jamie Oliver failed to arrive to tell the little ‘uns that Gorilla Twizzlers are disgusting that we realised our error…
Two Algerian sheep are due to be slaughtered to celebrate the Muslim festival of Eid Al Adhha. Two British men see the sheep. Something occurs. And the two are accused of “Sheep violation”.
Being British, and this being a tabloid story, the oil workers could have done one of three things:
a) Kidnapped the sheep and taken it to the Woolly Bottoms Sanctuary, Wiltshire
B) Named the sheep Mohammed
C) Had sex, real or simulated, with the sheep?
Says an ex-pat living in Algeria: “If you relate this to teacher Gillian Gibbons they can thank their lucky stars.”
Indeed, sex with a teddy has not been tried since Iggy Pop dry humped a already stuffed bear on Top of the Pops.
Gillian Gibbons’ sex life remains a private affair…
(The two sheep remain f*cked whatever happens)
FREE Speech: “RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — An outspoken Saudi blogger is being held for “purposes of interrogation,” the Saudi Interior Ministry confirmed Tuesday.
“Gen. Mansour al-Turki, an Interior Ministry spokesman reached by telephone, said the blogger, Fouad al-Farhan, was “being questioned about specific violations of nonsecurity laws.” Mr. Farhan’s blog, which discusses social issues, had become one of the most widely read in Saudi Arabia.”
AS reported on Hillary CLinton: “Mrs Clinton, whose support is heavily skewed with older women voters, seeks to generate a more genteel atmosphere, with the crowd at one event being entertained by an accordion player.”
And readers look at the paper’s “SPACE LEAGUE” and learn that England is less crowed than Malta and Holland, one a holiday resort, the other the place where the world’s most fortunate children live (source: Unicef).
Keep ‘em coming. The Mail is getting ahead of itself – but fingers crowd that one day we really can be Number One…
MIKE Huckabee is a nice guy: “DES MOINES – Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (R) told reporters Monday that he was pulling a negative ad designed to target his chief rival in Iowa, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
“Then he showed the ad to a room packed wall to wall with reporters.
“When asked if it is hypocritical to make an announcement about not running negative ads, and then show a negative advertisement to dozens of members of the national and local media, Huckabee said he had to show the ad to prove its existence.”
“I want to show you that we were fully prepared,” Huckabee said.
CONTINUE like you will carry on – happy viewing: “About 9.2 million people were watching New Year fireworks on BBC One as 2008 began, overnight estimates suggest”
2008 – A year on the telly
Pancakes In A Can. It’s not junk food. It’s organic…
A ban on adverts for junk food during television programmes aimed at children under 16 has come into force.
Regulator Ofcom has outlawed adverts for foods high in fat, salt and sugar in an effort to tackle rising childhood obesity levels.
The Government doesn’t like fat bastards – nor does it like biogtry…
LET’S Boycott Jews:
BENAZIR Bhutto is dead – so too is Osama bin Laden:
Did the sunroof do for him, too?
LINDSAY Lohan is to receive an award for her “contribution to cinema” at the Capri Film Festival in Italy tonight.
Addressing a congregation at St Mary Magdalene Church, Norfolk (the Royal Family in attendance), the Bishop says: “Some people, I have noticed around here, turn their houses into minor ecological disaster zones.”
The Queen’s Sandringham estate was, as the Telegraph notes on its front page, lit up by half a mile of fairy lights.
Whether aimed at the Windsors or not, the Bishop’s point is noted. And we commend to his attention another story in the Telegraph: “London’s £1.3m big bang to welcome in 2008.”
The picture is of the London Eye Ferris Wheel lit up like a massive halo. Of course, this is a picture from last year. And in the spirit of Recycling we urge all revelers along London’s South bank to party like it’s 1999 and thrill to the River of Fire.
Anorak will be handing out pictures of that event (blink and you miss it), and encouraging party goers to nod in appreciation (breathing, whooping, and cheering only add to global warming).
It’s what the Bishop would want…
The Queen Mother is be exhumed and her remains scatterd by a sapling in London’s Green Park, Prince Charles ears are to be fitted with solar panels and Prince William encouraged to breathe only when absolutely necessary