A Real Joey

‘THERE are actors’ actors. There are character actors. And there is Matt LeBlanc, the actor who played a talentless actor struggling to get any work with a rare and empathetic aplomb.

That was Friends. And then was Joey. In this spin-off, Joey Tribbiani moves to Los Angeles to pursue his acting career. And he meets lots of new friends.

The show is now in “hiatus”. It was in a kind of catatonic coma for the first two seasons, so a hiatus may be an improvement, perhaps Friends’ Joey’s alter ego Dr Drake Ramore can enlarge on that.

Back in the real world, Matt LeBlanc is already moving on. Reports say that the “actor” has filed for divorce from Melissa McKnight, and is dating his Joey co-star Andrea Anders.

Actors dating co-star is rarely a good idea. Someone should tell Matt was only supposed to be acting…’

Posted: 24th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Fruits Of Her Labour

‘MELONS Windsor, nee Helen, has always managed to turn an eye with her “cool elegance”, “delicate blonde beauty” and blueblood roots.

Melons, daughter to the Duke and Duchess of Kent and cousin on the Queen, is not all that often in the news, as Hello! rightly says.

Rather than dressing up as a Nazi, prancing about on TV game shows and sucking toes like her royal kin, Melons prefers the quieter life with art dealer husband Tim Taylor and their four children Columbus, Cassius, Eloise and Estella.

Or at least she did. Because Melons has an important role to play which involves what Hello! breathlessly calls a “special” visit to Shanghai.

It’s not all gym and Pilates for Melons, who has, as Hello! observes, regained her size 10 figure. And that’s when she’s not having cranial osteopathy and acupuncture sessions.

Melons is a tireless professional, working as a roving ambassador for that most noble of causes that is Giorgio Armani.

Melons’ works with Armani began when she first started wearing the designer’s clothes in the 1990s. Since those heady life altering moments when Armani gave her a trouser suit for free, Melons has stuck with the cause through thick, pregnant and now thin times.

She has been to Milan and watched the master draw the designs for her post-wedding going-away outfit. “I carried on wearing his clothes and after about six years it became a proper role,” says Melons.

“It’s a bit like being a fashion diplomat,” says Melons. “It’s inspiring.”

Indeed it is. And now it is Melons’ turn to inspire the good men and women of Shanghai to take a look at her style and realise that they too can look blonde, slim and regal…’

Posted: 21st, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Passing Out

‘IT’S not all that often you see the Queen smiling. So when we see her toothsome grin in Hello!” we wonder as to the cause of her amusement.

Has husband Philip made some hilarious quip about fuzzy wuzzies? Has one of her beloved corgis taken a determined grip on the leg of a paparazzo? Is her smile a menacing precursor before she steps in for the kill?

Before her stands a row of smartly liveried soldiers, graduates from Sandhurst. And in their number is one grill-haired cove by the name of Prince Harry.

It is Harry’s passing out parade, and perhaps this scamp has done something to amuse his granny?

We also note how in another shot Second Lieutenant Wales is aping his granny’s look and sallying forth a huge cheesy grin.

What words have been exchanged between the two? Did Liz flip her teeth in and out of their fixings in the manner of so many octogenarians? Or was Harry recalling his visit to a local lap dancing club and flashing back to happy days in the Rattlebone Inn?

Perhaps that and more…’

Posted: 21st, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

See Manchester Or Die

‘“I ENJOYED my exit storyline…and to go out on a death was great,” says Hannah Waterman of the demise of her EastEnders character Laura Beale. “What you don’t want is to get in the back of a cab and go to Manchester!”

That would indeed be far worse than any death. And, in any case, old EastEnders actors never go to Manchester – they go to London’s Sunhill police station and star in ITV’s The Bill.

And true to form Hello! tells us that Hannah, daughter of actor Dennis Waterman, has trod a well worn beat and is all set to make her debut in The Bill’s home for retired EastEnders actors.

Hannah says her character is called Fern, a mum of two who cries a lot and has a miserable life. Hannah says Fern is “very different from anyone I have ever played before, especially Laura Beale (EastEnders) who had ONE child and cried a lot and endured a miserable life.

And fell down the stairs and died.’

Posted: 21st, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Little Girl Lost

‘RACHEL Weisz, Brooke Shields and Gwen Stefani are all pregnant. Not that you’d notice, because looming large over all of them like some gigantic spaceship is Katie Holmes.

What’s going on inside Katie has been the subject of no little speculation. Not since Quasimodo took his hump to Hollywood has a bump caused so much wonder, horror and revulsion.

And now we read that Katie is in tears. The Enquirer says that Katie has been unsure about where to have the baby, the grand piano or whatever it is that’s causing her stomach to swell so gigantically.

Should she have it in a hospital, as is traditional, close to medical experts and emergency wards? Or should she do as Tom Cruise wants and have the baby at home, close to the cooker, where Tom may like to fricassee the placenta?

Helping her make up her mind is Tom’s mum, Mary. And exchanges between Katie and her future mother-in-law have reduced the actress to tears.

A source says that Mary’s insistence that Katie listens to Tom have caused the pregnant star to “feel totally isolated”.

This source says that Mary is “very direct and had enough of Katie’s indecision about where the birth should take place”.

But it seems a decision has now been made. Tom and his mummy have agreed on what is best, and Katie will have to go along with it.

Let this be the end of the matter. And in case Katie wants to voice an opinion of her own, caring Tom has bought her a “personalised pacifier”, made of the finest rubber and moulded to fit Katie’s teeth.

This should keep her quiet while mom and Tom decide that’s best…

BREAKING news: Katie has now given birth to a girl called Suri. The name means ‘princess’ in Hebrew and ‘red rose’ in Persian. Or “Mmmmph” as a gagged Katie might say.’

Posted: 19th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Bed & Bored

‘“ANGIE BANS BRAD FROM HER BED!”

Shock of shocks. Not only do we learn that Angelina Jolie, for it is she, sleeps in a bed and not upside down on some homemade gurney but that she prefers to do so alone.

What as happened to split the couple known to the Enquirer as “red-hot” lovers and prompt Hollywood insiders to think that the next stop for this celebrity couple is “Splitsville”?

The magazine tells its readers that before jetting off to Africa, Angelina had banished Brad Pitt to the sofa at their £50,000-a-month Paris apartment.

You’d think for that cash you’d get a flat with a spare room and a bed but it seems not. And Brad is on the sitting-room’s impressive 14-foot couch.

An insider says that this is nothing to do with falling out of lust and everything to do with Angelina’s discomfort brought on by her pregnancy.

But not everyone is convinced. “They could even split before the baby is born,” says a source, who goes on to talk of the couple’s arguments. “The two big issues have been Brad’s desire to return to Los Angeles – and Angelina’s lack of common sense.”

But Angelina’s is not going home anytime soon, having just decamped to Namibia. As the source tells us, she is determined to remain in Europe after the child is born.

And with Brad due back in LA to start filming Ocean’s 13 this summer, something has got to give. If he stays too long on that sofa, Brad’s back might not be the only thing to go…’

Posted: 19th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Roots Of Doom

‘IT is nothing less than the end of an era – Jennifer Aniston is going grey.

A photograph in the Enquirer shows Jennifer rocking up to a premier in Los Angeles recently.

The trademark hairstyle that catapulted the actress to fame, the so-called Rachel cut, has been replaced by a ponytail. And (gasp!) there are grey roots showing.

And this may be nothing new. Tara Kraft, a beauty expert, says that Jen has just missed her “single process coloring”.

The sensation that Jen dyes her hair is surpassed only by the ensuing revelation that the only reason you can’t see her aged roots is that she typically wears her hair down.

Whether or not she does this to hide the telltale sings of ageing, we are not sure. But surely some home dye kit can remedy the situation – after all, she is worth it…’

Posted: 19th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Wavy Davy

‘REMEMBER Lee Davy and Sophie Pritchard? They were the first couple to meet on Big Brother and then get married. Theirs is a cautionary tale for Chantelle and Preston to study, those Big Brother graduates who aim to walk down the aisle in late summer.

It was all so promising for Lee and Sophie at the start. Boy met camera, met girl, met camera, met Jacuzzi, met camera, met garden, met chickens, met camera.

The pair fell in love, and not just with the cameras but with each other. They married in 2003, inviting the cameras to watch as Lee proposed to Sophie on breakfast telly.

Sophie said yes. The camera shed a tear. And the fitness trainer and the social services employee settled down to a great showbiz life in Leicester.

But things changed. “Cracks were beginning to appear in the couple’s relationship.” These turned into “canyons”. They turned their hands at “building bridges”. But the foundations were rocky. The rift had developed into a chasm and the bridge began to bend under the shear pressure and tension of the widening gulf.

Geographically speaking, the pair were miles apart, although they were close enough to span the divide and conceive a baby. This child is called Max.

He changed everything. Sophie felt lonely during the days when Lee was at work. Lee came home from work and sought company in the telly. Soon they were living separate lives. As Sophie says: “The spark had gone.”

But Lee does think his single life is “quite exciting”. “Now we’ll both be able to do things we never thought we’d be able to do again,” says he.

Very true – he can go out on the pull and Sophie can look for somewhere to live in her native Marlow. And she can take along Max for the adventure…’

Posted: 18th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Flushed With Love

‘“CATHERINE Zeta Jones needs no introduction,” says OK! at the start to an interview headed: “CATHERINE ZETA JONES.”

We are promised “INTIMATE DETAILS OF MARRIED LIFE WITH MICHAEL” and that her “KIDS AREN’T HOLLYWOOD BRATS”.

This causes us to confront two questions: 1) How intimate are these details? 2) If the kids aren’t Hollywood brats then what kind of brats are they?

First things first. Beneath a picture of Catherine and George Clooney looking well matched, there’s a shot of Catherine and her husband of eight years standing, Michael Douglas.

And what is the secret of Catherine and Michael’s success? “Separate bathrooms is always a really good idea!” says Catherine. And this is not because Michael has one of those bathtubs you access via a door and sit in while the water fills up around you Titanic style, but because Catherine is so messy. “I’d hate for my husband to realise how cluttery I can be!”” says Catherine.

With a marriage founded on love and his ‘n’ her commodes, the couple’s two children, Dylan and Carys, must be secure and happy?

“They’re certainly not Hollywood brats by any stretch of the imagination,” says Catherine. They can’t be – they live in Bermuda. And, in any case, they are “good kids”.

Like Catherine and Michael, the children are grounded. “My husband and I are very similar in that way we treat people the way we want to be treated,” say Catherine, who may or may not like to remember how Michael behaved while married to Diandra Luker. As Diandra once said: ‘The other women were difficult to deal with.’

Of course things are so very different the second time around. Michael’s not going to flush this romance down the toilet – his or Catherine’s…’

Posted: 18th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Reasons To Be Cheerful

‘FROM life in Bermuda we move on to what passes for life in the “Bermuda triangle” of love between Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.

Of course, Jenny was wrong to compare what the three actors have to a devilish place where things disappear and Barry Manilow is always on the radio.

Jolie and Pitt are as high profile as the 16-storey block of flats in Paris they are renting a place in, and Jenny is rarely out of the news.

Not that she enjoys being gossiped about. As Jenny says to OK!, which asks her how she deals with stories about her private life being on the covers of every magazine (see OK!), “if you don’t look at the newsstands, you’re okay.”

But at least OK! is on Jen’s side. And in his week’s take on Jen’s life we read that she has found the last year trying. But she has adopted a philosophy for life: “everything happens for a reason.”

“You can’t ask: ‘Why is this happening to me?’ It’s happening to you! Life’s tough. Get a helmet!”.

As anyone who has tried get hair like Jennifer’s knows, life is not always what you want it to be, and at the risk of looking like Hillary Clinton, you would do better to stick your hair in a helmet.’

Posted: 18th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Morning Star

‘MYLENE Klass “would kill” to live five minutes from the beach. The recording artiste grew up in Norfolk and really misses the way of life.

But who should she murder to achieve her life’s dream? The controller of Classic FM, who gave her a job presenting the station’s breakfast show. As Mylene ominously says: “I begged them to give me the graveyard shift.”

Or what about offing the new members of her fan club?

While Mylene contemplates a massacre, and escaping to a beachside home on the North Sea, we hear about her passion for astronomy.

And having turned her training as a classical musician into a job, it seems that Mylene is thinking about a future write large in the stars.

Mylene has just enrolled on a degree course in Astronomy and Planetary Science at the Open University. She now visits the Greenwich Observatory twice a week.

And by coincidence, this interest in things starry has landed her a job presenting – get this – an Open University programme for the BBC. “I will be the one with a ping pong ball and a torch on top of a skyscraper expressing how Venus’s orbit works.”

It promises to be a thrilling show. And while Klass’s fans, star gazers and the kind of people who frequent Bangkok table tennis clubs avidly tune in, Mylene remembers some advice her dad once gave her.

“I remember once, my dad pointed out the North Star and said ‘No matter where you are you will always be able to find your way home’.”

What he forgot to mention was that she might have to murder a few people along the way…’

Posted: 14th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Black Arts

‘IF it is computer wizardry, airbrushing or some other black art, we cannot say, but there on the cover of Hello! is a shot of Victoria Beckham using skis to, well, ski on.

There is even a sense of movement created by bits of flurried ice around said skis and a whisp of windblown hair. Rather than standing in some icebound photographers studios, Posh appears to be on an actual piste, on actual snow. But, as we said, black arts and what not.

Inside the magazine, there is another picture of Posh moving on her Chanel skis, dressed in a Chanel suit, sliding down what is very possibly a black ski run formed into two interlocking Cs.

Posh is in the Pyreneen report of Baqueria-Beret, “a favourite with the Spanish royal family”. And Hello! says that, like we supposed, she did make it down a few black runs.

When a mountain doesn’t clash with your outfit, a style conscious girl like Posh cannot fail to succeed.

And after a morning’s skiing, Posh went to a mountain bar for sustenance. There she drank what one eyewitness calls “several glasses of wine”. She slipped into a strappy black top, exposing the jagged peaks of her shoulder blades and breasts to the warm sun.

And in this eatery, wouldn’t you just know it, but Posh bumped into a showbiz chum. It’s TV actor Max Beesley, the onetime lover of ex-Spice Girl Mel B.

It was then back to the slopes. Or was it?’

Posted: 14th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Retirement Age

‘HAS it really been 26 years since the movie Nine To Five hit the silver screen?

Hello! says it is, and we are not ones to argue with authority figures. It’s just that looking at the photos of the cast now and the cast then, it is as if time has stood still. No, change that. Time has not stood still, rather it has mutated, bent, if you will.

On the left, Hello! treats us to a group shot of Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda looking early middle aged and in turn blonde, brunette and auburn.

In the still on the right, the three once more line up, but now they look like someone has tried to model waxworks of their earlier selves and run out of wax before they could finish.

Forget working, girls. It’s time to retire…’

Posted: 14th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Whimpering Out

‘WE have seen Angelina Jolie in her knickers – but we are not sure how often she changes them.

Until such a time when Jolie affords us an insight into this part of her life, we will have to guess. And one insider estimates that the actress changes her underwear less frequently than she changes her mind.

But what could be unhygienic to some is no problem to Jolie, who, as a source tells the Enquirer, is capricious and hard to fathom.

Right now Jolie doesn’t want to get married to Brad Pitt, whose baby she is expecting on May 18. It’s a position that has led to arguments. A source says Jolie has told Pitt that if he keeps pushing her to set a date “it would be over forever”. But it could change. “She could just as easily do an about-face and demand they get married!” says the source.

“Brad worries,” says the insider, “and the more worried he gets, the angrier Angelina gets.” They never discuss anything rationally or calmly.

Sources say she refuses to compromise on anything. “Brad said he once disagreed with her over a political issue, and she went crazy on him! She told him that he’s not smart enough to know when politicians are lying.”

Such is La Jolie affect that while Pitt was “independent and masculine” when he met her, he is now described by one source as being “whining” and possessive.

Another insider tells the magazine that Brad has become “too clingy”. “If he doesn’t chill out, he could risk losing her.”

Or – worse yet – marrying her.’

Posted: 6th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

For Mankind

‘WE who looked up in adoration as David Hasselhoff crushed the Berlin Wall under his flip flops cannot believe it. Did he really break his wife’s nose as well as well as German communism?

Pamela Hasselhoff, for it is she, says in court papers that the hero of the Western world pushed her into a car. As she says: “David grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car…he has also broken my nose.”

And that is not all. David once called her a “drug addict” in front of her children, Taylor Ann and Hayley.

To complete the picture, Pamela goes on the record as saying that David has “threatened to break through security” at the Encino, California, family residence she has taken control of.

It is alleged that he vowed to “drive his car through the house, beat the door down, or go into the house and take all of my jewellery and sell it.”

If any one can ride a car through a house it is David. And, waves permitting, we imagine he could perform the same daring stunt in a rescue boat.

But what can we believe? Can we believe any of it? We who have witnessed Dave’s majesty and his power to change worlds wonder if Pamela is selflessly painting a picture of dysfunction to give her Dave the freedom he needs to do yet more wondrous deeds?

Behind every great man is a great woman. And so it is that Pamela has requested that Dave stay 100 yards away from her.

Unencumbered as he goes among the people…’

Posted: 6th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Sob Story

‘KATE Garraway is going through the “milky dopey stage”. Having just given birth to Darcey (female), she feels a bit “like I’m floating around and people have been talking to me and I haven’t heard what they’re saying”.

Birth has enabled Garraway to know what it is to be a GMTV viewer. Not that Kate has time to watch TV. Not since she is looking at Darcey “completely obsessively.”

Kate invites us to do likewise. And keen to empathise with the new mum, we look at the full-page shot of mother and daughter. We stare. We dare not blink. The world beyond the photo takes on an eerie stillness and then fades from thought and sight. Until all that remains is Darcey.

We hear crying. Our ears pick up the sound of Kate’s husband, the former Government PR Derek Draper. He wants to know why Kate is sobbing. “I’ don’t know! I’m just crying,” says Kate.

And we too feel like crying. A feeling that only grows as Kate relives the birth.

She is 3cm dilated. An episode of Six Feet Under is on the TV. There’s a hospital. Kate is ready to be immersed in a birthing pool. Now she’s having an epidural. She sits on a birthing stool. Derek is on a chair behind her.

He’s crunching. It’s toast. “Oh marmalade is great,” says Derek. “Kate shouts: “Stop eating your toast! It’s really distracting.” Derek also has squeezable honey, aromatherapy oils, facial spray and homeopathic arnica tablets.

Kate’s not wrong. Derek is distracting. For a moment we let our focus on Darcey slip. But not to worry – we are soon presented with another shot of the child sitting on Kate’s lap.

And Kate is telling us that the whole labour lasted from midnight to 17 minutes past eight the following morning.

We begin to wonder if we can make it. Are there any drugs left? What about the honey?’

Posted: 4th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Normality Is…

‘“HOW have you achieved your fabulous figure?” OK! asks the questions that others dare not even think about.

Kate Winslet looks past her “tumbling blonde locks”. And OK! has more questions. Is Kate’s life “very glamorous?”. “How is that lovely family of yours?” “Does Mia see much of her dad?”

Kate, ever the professional, answers the question. Mia sees her dad. Mia loves her dad. Kate’s life is “normal”. “I cook and feed the washing machine,” says Kate. That might sound a little unusual to we who see the washing machine less of pet than an inanimate object, but such antics may well pass for the norm in fame’s starrier orbits.

And so we move seamlessly on to OK!’s next question: “How frustrating is it for you to read stories about your personal life, your looks and your weight?”

Says Kate: “It’s completely irrelevant and utterly boring.” Which seems like a good way to end, even if OK! does have another four questions to ask…’

Posted: 4th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Marking Time

‘HAPPY birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. You look like a ferret and you smell like one too. For he’s a jolly good fe…

OK! Forget that bit. But let us still celebrate as best we are able Kevin Federline’s 27th birthday party.

There’s Kevin looking every inch the chav about town, as he steps out in a white shirt (untucked), white trainers (tied), suit jacket (agape) and “signature” baseball cap (white).

Some signature! This fashion illiterate looked out of kilter with wife Britney Spears, who dressed up for the do at Atlanta nightspot Vision in a red stain halterneck dress.

She looks like Marilyn Monroe, says OK!. “We wouldn’t be surprised if she sang a sultry Marilyn-style Happy Birthday to her beau.”

All together now: happy birthday, dear, Kevin, happy birthday to you. For he’s a jolly good ferret…’

Posted: 4th, April 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Facing Up

‘“I’D never turn the clock back,” says Liz Hurley, the face of beauty products from her native Basingstoke to Brisbane.

But she can. Surely with pentides, progenesis, “Youth dew”, “Re-Nutriv” and all manner of scientific-sounding wonders extracted from vegetable exotica and butterfly wings crushed on the thighs of virgin Amazon tribesmen, Hurley can stare down ageing and turn back time?

The billion and more women who rub celebrity-endorsed soap and coloured water into their faces hope Liz is joking. But she is not. This is Hurley in deadly serious mode. Note the closed mouth. See the sensible trousers. Pay attention to the lack of visible knickers.

This is Liz in Pakistan, on tour with boyfriend Arun Nayar and Imran Khan.

Imran, formerly Mr Jemima Khan – the woman now dating Liz’s old flame Hugh Grant (you can almost see the gene pool shrinking) – is the fonder of Pakistan’s only cancer hospital, the Shaukat Khanum Memorial Cancer Hospital in Lahore. And Liz is in town to help raise some funds.

But what’s up? Hello! tells us that Liz’s pained expression is not just rooted in a deep empathy with the ill and needy. She has been struck low by food poising, blaming a rogue kebab for her ills and getting by on toast and water.

Brave Liz nonetheless manages to change into ten outfits. It’s as if not eating properly hasn’t affected her at all. Liz is a marvel.

Among these outfits, Liz sports an inspirational pair of white jeans in which she walks among some young survivors of the recent Pakistan earthquake, and cradles a blanked-swaddled child to her brown suede jacket.

Looking at the children there and in the aforesaid hospital, Liz’s thoughts turn to her son, Damian. The youngster’s a devilishly good lad. “He’s really well behaved,” says Liz. “He’s always eaten breakfast, lunch and supper sitting up properly at the table. He’s never eaten on his lap and he’s never allowed to eat walking around.” Oh. “He’s always in bed at 7pm. He’s a lovely boy – absolute heaven.”

He sounds like a riot, a real cracker barrel of fun. And doubtless when he grows up he will carry on his mother’s good work. He is already an example to the children of Pakistan.

Liz explains: “After all, people copy a famous person’s hairstyle, clothes and shoes, so there’s hope that they will copy some slightly more worthy things.”

Like calling their children Damian, hiring a nanny to look after him/her and using retinoids to reduce fine lines. The people of Pakistan have taken note. Let’s hope they now act on the message…’

Posted: 31st, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

A Bryer’s Market

‘TANIA Bryer appears as a vision of “understated elegance in a blue top and burgundy slacks”.

It’s not an outfit Hello! cares to reveal to its readers, realising, perhaps, that there is never a right time to wear burgundy slacks – unless, of course, you are an octogenarian Yiddisher mama seeing out your days in Boca Rotan.

When we do see Tania, she’s clad in a succession of cocktail dresses, two of which appear to be works in progress and another that seems to be made from silver anaglypta.

Tania is back in showbusiness, after “bowing out” for two years. This may or may not be a euphemism for being unemployed, we cannot say. All we know is Tania has returned, and she has the outfits to relaunch a career as a TV presenter.

She also has a father with Alzheimer’s, a sister who dabbled with drugs, a “real” marriage and “gorgeous”, “adorable” and “wonderful” children (pair of).

She’s a mother; she’s a sister; she’s a daughter; she’s a wife. Put that together, stick on some blonde hair and said anaglypta dress and you have the makings of a celebrity.

Now, if she can just get a job…’

Posted: 31st, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Gloria In Excelsis

‘“I’VE been reporting on major national and international issues on TV and radio for the past ten years – and suddenly I’m known for the ‘Kate and Derek’ story,” says Gloria de Piero.

Gloria is GMTV’s political correspondent – a billing to rival that of being Barbie’s maths teacher. Kate and Derek are GMTV’s Kate Garraway and Derek Draper, former new labour spin doctor.

Kate and Derek are now a very a celebrity couple, inviting cameras to gaze at their marriage, Kate’s pregnancy bumps and the resulting child.

When she saw the wedding, Gloria thought: “Gosh I’m responsible for this!”

It could have been different. Says Kate: “…Gloria pitched a person to me who was the old Derek Draper. She said: ‘He practically runs the Groucho Club, he runs Soho House, he’s amazing.’”

But Kate was pleasantly surprised. Gloria’s charts and power point presentation had missed the mark. Kate says Derek was not like that at all. “He was funny and clever…but I thought rather sad.”

We can’t comment on his state of being, only that thanks to Gloria’s matchmaking Derek is now married to Kate. And De Piero has achieved a special kind of fame…’

Posted: 31st, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Job For The Boy

‘WHAT we suspected moves one step closer to being proved true. When we heard that Prince Edward, ‘The Weed In Tweed’ (TWIT), had sworn on Australian TV, we wondered if he was not carving out a niche for himself as Prince Philip’s protégé.

Eddie needs to do something, so why not be the Family embarrassment?

Charles has his pet begonia and organic biscuits; Andrew has golf and more golf; Anne has horses and hay; and Eddie has… Well, that’s just it, what does Eddie have? He’s failed at being an impresario and a Royal Marine, so why not have a bash at being his dad?

So after the “bloody” outburst Down Under, we read in Hello! that Eddie is all set to take over the running of the Duke of Edinburgh Awards.

What more fitting person to oversee the development of the young via rugged and charitable pursuits than Eddie? The Duke is 85, and Eddie, a “full-time royal”, is not exactly overstretched.

Eddie considers his future. “I think that there is a sword of Damocles having over me, that it’s almost inevitable,” says Eddie of his exciting new role. With enthusiasm like that, Eddie is sure to be a sensation.

Eddie’s credentials for handing out awards are impeccable. Besides his dad being the scheme’s founding father, Eddie has a gold Duke of Edinburgh Award of his own, completing the sports element of the award when he took up real tennis.

Eddie is nothing less than an inspiration. And not just to schoolchildren and real tennis fans, but to young offenders. “Each step of the way someone is going ‘well done’ and some of these guys have never had a pat on the back in their lives,” says Eddie.

Nor, for that matter, a kick up the backside. But we digress…’

Posted: 27th, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

TWIT Two

‘HEY, Prince Eddie, what yer playing at? No sooner have we compared TWIT to his father than we see a shot of the young rapscallion smooching with a borrowed blonde on a yacht.

But before we get too excited, we realise that this is not Eddie, but another royal. It is Prince Albert of Monaco, Eddie’s Eurotrash doppelganger.

We were mistaken. But we were correct is noting that the blonde is not Sophie Countess of Wessex, Eddie’s fragrant wife, but Charlene Wittstock.

Looking at Albert manfully standing on the deck of a swanky boat as it bobs and gently rolls on sparkling waters around the Maldives, it’s easy to see how the 48-year-old blueblood pulled a 28-year-old South African sportswoman.

And if marriage is on the cars – and Hello! hears rumours that an engagement may well be imminent – Albert need not worry.

If any rich man can sweep a younger girl off her feet – a rich man dressed in a huge pair of Stars And Stripes shorts – it is Albert. Or, at a push, Eddie…’

Posted: 27th, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Against All Odds

‘NOT everyone can be as lucky as Prince Albert of Monaco. Sometimes when a rich older man marries a less well off younger woman things don’t work out. Take it from us, it is sadly true.

So it is for Phil Collins, former Genesis drummer and Oscar-winning pop star. When we first heard that twice-married Collins, 55, had met Orianne, an interpreter 22 years his junior back in 1994 (when she was 21), we thought it could not fail.

Though Phil was married to his second wife, Jill Travelman, at the time of his meeting with Orianne, love knew now bounds. Jill was dropped by fax. And in 1999, Orianne and Collins became middle-aged man and young third wife.

But now the couple have split. Which is both a shock and a surprise to one and all…’

Posted: 27th, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Love Letters

‘JORDAN is a smart girl. Those letters after her name – “FF” – have been earned through hard work, dedication and no little skill. And right it is that Jordan should reap the benefits of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s finest work. She paid the money. She took the chances.

But Jordan is more than the sum of her parts. Spotted attending a celebrity cricket match in Mumbai, the mod-el has an enormous ‘H’ and ‘J’ hanging from her neck.

Do these letters point the way ahead for career girl Jordan? Does ‘H’ come after ‘FF’? If so, what about ‘G’? And is the ‘J’ a sign that Jordan is less than balanced, one part a bigger star than the other?

OK! solves the puzzle. It tells us that these are the initials of Jordan’s children – Harvey (that’s the ‘H’) and Junior (the ‘J’).

And then there’s pint-sized Peter, Mr Jordan. He has the letter ‘A’ on is baseball cap and “HCO” etched in white on his pink T-shirt.

What does it mean? Are Jordan and Pete talking to us and each other in code? And, if they are, why are they doing it now? Have the couple who turned their wedding into a fairground sideshow tired of playing out their lives before the invited cameras?

It would seem so. In an extensive photospread centred on the news that the pair plan to renew their wedding vows in Disney World, Florida, Pete says that if he had magical powers he would make himself invisible.

Problem is, Jordan and Peter are too giving. Katie says that she and Pete “care”. “We want to share.”

Which means it is unlikely they will retire, realising that we need them in all our lives. And whether ‘J’, ‘H’ or ‘FF’, there is more than enough of her, and a little of him, to go around…’

Posted: 27th, March 2006 | In: News | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0