We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
“MY name is Mr.Moses Odiaka. I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Virgin Galactica ticket. His name is Engineer Manfred Becker. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha.
Since the demise of this our customer, Engineer Manfred Becker, who was an oil merchant/contractor, I have kept a close watch of the deposit records and accounts and since then nobody has come to claim the airmiles in this a/c as next of kin to the late Engineer. He had only 18.5mllion air miles in his a/c and the a/c is coded. It is only an insider that could produce the code or password of the deposit particulars. As it stands now,there is nobody in that position to produce the needed information other than my very self considering my position in the bank.”
PRINCE Harry’s War. Scene II: We rejoin the action on the tarmac at Brize Norton airbase. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry is returned home a hero after winning the War on Terror.
Now read on…
ALL: THEY say Harry is back. He walks among us…
MEDIA CORPS: Tally-ban!
EXPRESS (Lance Corporal): TARGET HARRY
Shhh! Those “British fanatics” might hear you and take it as a call to arms
MAIL (Lieutenant): TERROR TARGET HARRY
STAR (Private): HARRY IS TOP TERROR TARGET – Prince home but not safe
Quick! To Boujis. It’s a lock in. Hurry!
MIRROR: THE BOY WHO WOULD NOT DIE
They say he is covered in a teflon coating and he has a heart twice the size of a normal man
THE TIMES (Major): The Prince returns a hero and an enemy
TELEGRAPH (Brigadier, retired): Let me go back, please Harry
But, Harry, it’s Boujis. You remmber, Boujis? Oh, how the war changes them
GUARDIAN (Peace Corps): Dirty Harry – dog of war, or prince of public relations?
Harry run. A price is on your head. Max Clifford and the Taliban are after you. Run, Harry, run…
With the spare retuned, the heir can now move freely about the enemy, slaughtering them at will. Hurrah!
The Sun says Wills is to serve aboard a Royal Navy warship. More details are not given.
We will need to wait for our allies in the US to pinpoint Wills’ exact location and make it public knowledge.
For any Taliban looking in, Anorak can revels that Afghanistan is a landlocked a country and Wills will be onboard a “frigate” or a “destroyer”.
IN the Derry Journal: “Sex offenders ‘should be tagged and forced to show their faces'”
CONVICTED sex offenders should be electronically tagged and have no rights to anonymity, says Strabane SDLP Councillor Eugene McMenamin.
AMERICA, we have you in jail:
For the first time in the nation’s history, more than one in 100 American adults is behind bars, according to a new report.
Nationwide, the prison population grew by 25,000 last year, bringing it to almost 1.6 million. Another 723,000 people are in local jails. The number of American adults is about 230 million, meaning that one in every 99.1 adults is behind bars.
Incarceration rates are even higher for some groups. One in 36 Hispanic adults is behind bars, based on Justice Department figures for 2006. One in 15 black adults is, too, as is one in nine black men between the ages of 20 and 34.
The report, from the Pew Center on the States, also found that only one in 355 white women between the ages of 35 and 39 are behind bars but that one in 100 black women are.
AS reported: “JIMMY Wales loves to talk about “transparency” and “a world in which every single person on the planet is given free access to the sum of all human knowledge.” Unless it’s about his scandal-prone girlfriend. Wales, who is divorcing his second wife Christine, has been secretly seeing conservative TV commentator Rachel Marsden since last fall, friends say. Wales apparently took notice of Marsden when Wikipedia users started an edit war over her page.”
Wales founded Wikipedia.
And: “Wikipedia’s rules prohibit anyone from posting about the affair on Wales’s page.”
Paper Magazine’s Top 10 Worst Nude Film Scenes of all-time:
1. Philip Seymour Hoffman – Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead
2. Patrick Dempsey – Some Girls
3. Terry Bradshaw – Failure To Launch
4. Donald Sutherland – Space Cowboys
5. Kathy Bates – At Play In The Fields Of The Lord
SAY Ron Paul ofr Dr Murray Sabrin: He “has devoted his entire career to promoting limited government and personal freedom, and I am proud to have known him and worked with him for more than 25 years,” said Paul. “He will not only be an outstanding representative of the people of New Jersey, but the greatest advocate of liberty and constitutional principles the US Senate has seen in decades. I am delighted to endorse him and encourage all Americans who believe in freedom to support him enthusiastically.”
Vote Sabrin for US Senate..
AN abridged history of American-centric warfare, from WWII to present day, told through the foods of the countries in conflict:
I thought the UK were the kebabs, or at last a decent chicken tikka massala?
ARSENAL manger Arsene Wenger says Birmingham’s Martin Taylor apologised to him for the tackle which broke Gunners striker Eduardo’s leg.
Says Wenger: “After the game and said it was completely accidental.
“I thought about it and said if it was accidental I had to retract my comment.
“We do not want to be a club who is seen to be wanting revenge or anything. We try to play football in a fair way.”
It’s the fans you need to worry about…
AS Perry writes on Samizdata: “The Ministry of Defence is to be commended (not often I write that) for the way they have handled Prince Harry going to Afghanistan. Aware that knowledge of his presence would greatly increase the risk to him and those serving with him (killing a Royal Prince would be a propaganda coup for the Taliban), they hid the fact for ten weeks, which is no small feat in this day and age. Their tactic was to both appeal to reason and to in effect ‘buy off’ the highly competitive UK media by promising juicy photos of Harry if they kept their collective cakeholes shut whilst he was deployed… quite clever really and it is a credit to the wiser heads amongst the UK press that they could see there was no broader ‘public interest’ at stake here (quite the opposite in fact).”
I am all for the media and new media reporting the news and in particular news that the powers-that-be might be discomforted by. However reporting a wartime operation detail likely to increase the chance particular group of serving soldiers will attacked by the enemy (namely revealing the presence of a political ‘high value target’ in the war zone) fall way outside acceptable behaviour. Even if you oppose the war, such behaviour suggest you are not so much against the war as actually on the other side. It is at the very least socially despicable and quite frankly giving aid to an enemy in wartime. Unsurprisingly that is something far beyond the ken of a dim bulb like that self-important idiotarian ass Jon Snow.
MATT Drudge and the German Newspapers were not the first to mention where Prince Harry had been deployed, that dubious ‘honour’ goes to the Australian publication New Idea, who have at least expressed regret that they blew Prince Harry’s cover, suggesting they may be guilt of a lack of thought rather than callous disregard for someone’s safety in a war zone. The MoD kept quiet when New Ideafirst broke the story, suggesting they rather sensibly assumed an Australian woman’s magazine was probably not high on the reading list of many Muslim fundamentalists and indeed it took over a month for it to get picked up elsewhere. But the person who really moved this into wider circulation and got the story picked up globally was Matt Drudge. Although the Berliner Kurier and Bild also reported this, Drudge was at some point claiming this as an ‘exclusive’ and claiming the ‘credit’ for himself, so I willtake him at his word and call him an honourless shit in that case.
Perry is right. Drudge is a pillock. And Jon Snow is a fool…
“THE SAT NANS” –
“Scientists have developed a new satnav for Zimmer Frames… It comes with a computer screen and five buttons, all with symbols like coffee cups or toilets”…
Tabloid or Fictoid?
Answer after the jump…
Yes – The Sun reports that “Dutch boffins” have devised a satnav device for elderly persons with amnesia or orientation problems…
The guy I buy my coffee from in the morning has run the franchise also for ten years. Every day during this time at least two and may be as many as five young people come in asking for a job. Not once has any of those young people been British.
Yesterday, I bought egg and chips from Polaks, coffee from a Spaniard, a bus ride from a Jamaican and a pint for an Australian. I drank with an Israeli, a Malaysian, a true Anglo-Saxon and a second-generation Chinese girl.
And – yes – we all agreed that it beat working…
WORLD’S No.1 delusional maniac: “Everybody has understood that Iran is the number one power in the world,” Ahmadinejad said in a speech to families who lost loved ones in the 1980-1988 Iran-Iraq war.
“Today the name of Iran means a firm punch in the teeth of the powerful and it puts them in their place,” he added in the address broadcast live on state television.”
Is grandstanding by the great and good worthwhile?
Who cares if Jolie is benefiting herself? If she can raise an issue, then all to the good? Such is the deference afforded to celebrities that they are now better placed than our elected leaders to comment on politcal matters.
The celebs speak without fear of criticism. And if they get the facts wrong, they can just shrug it off as not their line of expertise. They speak from the heart.
If a politician talks like Jolie they would be snapped and sniped at. They would need facts. Jolie just needs proclamations. If Bono is Mr G9, Angelina Jolie is his significant other.
Says Jolie: “The request is familiar to American ears: “Bring them home.”
But in Iraq, where I’ve just met with American and Iraqi leaders, the phrase carries a different meaning. It does not refer to the departure of U.S. troops, but to the return of the millions of innocent Iraqis who have been driven out of their homes and, in many cases, out of the country.”
She talks of refugees in Iraq:
“More than 2 million people are refugees inside their own country…
An additional 2.5 million Iraqis have sought refuge outside Iraq, mainly in Syria and Jordan….
I’m not a security expert, but it doesn’t take one to see that Syria and Jordan are carrying an unsustainable burden. They have been excellent hosts, but we can’t expect them to care for millions of poor Iraqis indefinitely and without assistance from the U.S. or others.”
Syria. That bastion of human rights. Jolie truly is no security expert.
But the bigwigs all want to meet with here. Jolie speaks with Army Gen. David Petraeus and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Do they learn anything from Jolie? Or is the lure of celebrity too big a deal to turn down?
“It seems to me that now is the moment to address the humanitarian side of this situation. Without the right support, we could miss an opportunity to do some of the good we always stated we intended to do.”
She has your attention. The details she leaves to others…
THE earthquake that rattled cupboards and shook windows was part of – it had to be – global warming.
At 12.54pm the West Midlands, North Yorkshire and London was hit by a Earthquake …
Explosive volcanic eruption and tectonic activity are the two main causes of earthquakes. But with all the talk about global warming and how its effecting the environment isn’t this a sign that we really have to start leading greener lifestyles. Our erratic weather is starting to take real effect.
And a comment on Anorak by Sylvie Pollard:
Some scientists are worried that because the poles are melting so fast, the sudden release of pressure on the titonic [sic] plates is causing more slippage. This has been especially noticeable in Alaska, where over the last couple of years there has been an unprecidented amount of seismic activity.
Geography GCE. Moving “plats”. Pah! It was all lies. Lies! LIES!
AS reported: Freedom Newspapers CEO Scott Flanders “is voting for the presumptive Democratic nominee“:
Flanders said he voted for Libertarian nominee Ed Clark in 1980 and for Bill Clinton in 1992, but has otherwise voted Republican… There was some back-and-forth over the practical vs. the philosophical approach to politics, and Flanders said that in this election, for him, “the No. 1 issue is who will get us out of Iraq.”
OK, I’m thinking, if you really mean that, there’s only one major candidate you can support. But there’s no way you are going to stand there and say you support him.
Editorial writer Steve Greenhut told Flanders he thought he was really making an argument for not voting. Not true, Flanders said, and then he did it. He said the words, “Barack Obama.” As in, that’s who any true freedom-lover should vote for.
Freeedom for whom?
TOM Cruise et al: “The English-language term ‘Scientology’ originated neither with Hubbard nor Nordenholz, but with philologist Allen Upward, who coined the term in 1907 to ridicule pseudoscientific theories.”
Having the middle name Hussein doesn’t make Obama any more a Muslim than having the middle name Jefferson made Clinton a strict constructionist.
NIM39140 – National Insurance Numbers (NINOs): Format and Security:
NORWAY makes a good point:
“Norway’s Foreign Ministry has decided that the best diplomats should be sent to war-torn or tumultuous places like Afghanistan, Pakistan or Sri Lanka, instead of the coveted, cushy, and prestigious jobs in London, Paris and Washington…The Foreign Ministry feels that many of the undesirable posts are actually more important than the more prestigious ones, and wants to reward those who take on such challenges better”.
“The lust for profit that may doom these cubs,” says the Express. The cubs are polar bears cubs, three in number; reduced to two in anther shot.
The Express says the polar bears are emerging from their winter hibernation. “Global warming means they have woken weeks earlier than normal.”
And Washington is to blame. The Express says the US is auctioning off nearly 30million acres of “prime polar bar habitat in Alaska’s Chukchi Sea. The land is not being used for starter homes, rather oil and gas exploration.”
And the last thing polar bears needs is more heat…
WANT to know how Government works? Dizzy
1: Identify bleeding obvious problem in society but act as if you’re the one that discovered it.
2: Announce you’re going to hold a ‘widespread review’ with a plan to create a plan to tackle said problem.
3: Hold review over long period of time and refuse to comment further on policy apart from only ever referring to the fact you are having a review.
4: Publish five or ten year plan explaining how you’re going to solve the problem because you’ve written that you will.
5: Spend next few years always referring to the master plan and that its implementation is coming along very nicely thank you.
6: As the end of the plan’s lifetime nears return to step 1 re-identifying the problem anew.
7. Say a bold, new fresh approach is needed and invite an open debate…