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IN The Anorak Forums:
THE one thing Europe in general and Britain in particular can turn up on a regular basis is the eccentric.
The out of kilter guy (or gal) with just enough savvy to get by without incurring too much attention to their foibles. The matador or pub singer who rolls up a handkerchief and sticks it in the front of his Y fronts (thong?) before strutting his stuff. Amusing and the shrieking fairer-sexed ones know it’s all in fun.
A bit more off the wall is one Steven Cooney, a driving instructor from Cleveland, the heart of England’s petro-chemical industrial wastelands. Before the complaints roll in: I have lived and worked in Middlesbrough and can only feel genuine and deep sorrow for those who still do.
Steven is a driving instructor who likes a bit of fun (he says). The problem being that bit of fun involved sticking a 12 inch carrot down his Y fronts and telling female students he was “really excited” about their driving success.
God alone knows what he would have stuck down/up in there if there had been a Bob Newhart driving instructor type accident. Rocket/Iceberg lettuce; pomegranates any one of a variety of soft cheeses?
There was a time when discussing the weather was viewed as the safe option, the soft focus view on life. War, religion and militant EastEnders’ characters best avoided. Will it rain?
Now the weather is a row waiting to happen. And surely the aforesaid headline will be met by a counter claim that the sun is the enemy, responsible for a myriad cancers and polar bears being trapped on slushy ice.
Of the story, the Express says that women, weather girls included, with high levels of Vitamin D are “biologically younger” (see weather girls). These women have longer “telomers” than those women with shorter “telomers”.
And a study finds that 87.1 per cent of Britons have too low levels of Vitamin D in spring and winter. The rest, those who jet off to Tenerife for winter sun – the beautiful people – are just fine…
If only the War On Terror had a celebrity element it would surely achieve the news coverage it deserves.
The Sun realises the problem, and introduces readers to Brian Tilley.
The ex-Marine was shot in the foot and then in the back by five men dressed as Iraqi police. It was an unlawful killing. Bournemouth’s sitting coroner hears the gruesome details.
Mr Tilley was employed in Iraq as a security worker. But he is best known to Sun readers as a “former bodyguard to Posh and Becks”. As the paper reports: “He was a close pal of the couple.”
And the headline: “Posh pal killed in cop raid.”
The WMD have yet to be found…
AS reported: “Microsoft has dismissed its chief information officer after conducting an internal investigation into a violation of company policies.
“The software giant did not elaborate on details of the investigation but said that the contract of Stuart Scott had been terminated.”
This is the biggest search term on Technorati. This is what geeks care about…
RUSSIA accused of poisoning Germany in Davis Cup match – pass the polonium 210:
German tennis star Tommy Haas revealed on Wednesday he believes he was poisoned during his country’s Davis Cup semi-final defeat to Russia in Moscow last September.
Haas was beaten in straight sets 6-2, 6-2, 6-2 by Igor Andreev in the singles as Russia claimed a 3-2 win over Germany on the weekend of September 21-23 to claim their place in the final against the USA.
“I have never felt so miserable in my whole life as I did on the Saturday and Sunday nights in Moscow,” the 29-year-old told German agency SID.
“Of the eight hours I should have been sleeping, I spent six of them on the toilet.”
Six weeks after the incident, Haas says he is still feeling the effects.
“My stomach is still doing some strange things.”
It’s not football, is it…
AS reported in the Times: “On Monday, James Purnell, the Culture Secretary, appeared in avatar form at a Serious Games Institute conference in the virtual world Second Life. Hmm. Another example of James Purnell appearing to be in a place which, actually, he was not?”
For more on the magical Mr Purnell see here…
Remember Instapundit’s “thrill of rebellion” sensed among the British?
“We English men are quite unique,” says Rick Wakeman of the rock band Yes. “We all love to have a moan, but then we put up with things”, he tells the Bucks Free Press. “Like with the prices of trains. We moan and moan and moan – and then all get on a train. You have to take your hats off to the French: at least they know how to boycott.”
We do not burn sheep – we boil them…
SAYS Julie Burchill to the Indy’s opener “I wish people would take more notice of…: “Heroic people who are warning us all that Islam is the new fascism, such as Ayaan Hirsi Ali.
ON the day of the Queen’s Speech, the BBC shows us “The UK’s top 10 most ridiculous British laws”:
# 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)
# 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen’s image upside-down (7%)
# 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)
# 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)
# 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)
# 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (4%)
# 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)
# 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)
# 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour (3%)
# 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)
POPE meets King Abdullah:
VATICAN CITY (AP) – Benedict XVI raised concerns about restrictions on Christian worship in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday in the first meeting ever between a pope and a reigning Saudi king.
Benedict and other Vatican officials have often protested that Christians are unable to worship openly in Saudi Arabia and are barred from opening churches in the desert kingdom where Islam’s holiest sites, Mecca and Medina, are located.
Can you open a mosque in The Vatican state?
TABLOID Baby writes: The pilot pitch for The Michael Lohan Reality Project we brought you has turned out to be a hit on the Internet. YouTube, MediaBistro, Perez Hilton, and now VH1′s Best Week Ever see the show for what it is: compelling, hilarious and very edgy reality that’s even realer than it seems.
Alex Blagg writes:
Dear Hollywood Producers and Studio People,
I know you guys are busy right now rolling around in your money bins and wishing you were imaginative enough to think up new ways to f*ck over the writers who helped make you rich, but allow me to pose to you this modest suggestion for keeping hilarious comedy on the air without the help of the people who create it for you: look at this clip reel, and for the love of God, give Michael Lohan the reality show he so desperately wants. Who needs Jim & Pam & The Office when we can have this scumbag wandering around Hollywood with hookers babbling about Jesus, flying through the air with Bibles, and trying to “save Lindsay” by being a total moron? The most talented comedy genius on the planet couldn’t come up with this stuff, so this really couldn’t have come at a better time for you guys. Please, if you’re listening, put this show on the air.
PAKISTAN is reeling. And a look at Iftikhar Chaudhary, “The Hypcorite ex Chief Justice of Pakistan”:
I’m talking mostly on the basis of gut feeling but I am not particularly a fan of (now ex) Pakistani Chief Justice, and arch Musharraf nemesis, Iftikhar Chaudhary. Something’s very wrong with this guy, but I have no idea what.
First, there is this article on PakistanPolitics.net from an anonymous Pakistani lawyer about how Chaudhary felt completely free to flout the Constitution when it suited him. Excellent piece.
Second, is the fact that Chaudhary just issued an a ruling against Musharraf’s Provisional Constitutional Order, yet had no problem taking an oath on Musharraf’s Provisional Constitutional Order in 1999! This is from Wiki:
In January 2000 Chief Executive General Musharraf dictated that all superior court judges swear a new oath under the PCO No.1 issued on October 15, 1999, which had suspended the Constitution of Pakistan. After swearing an oath on the PCO Justice Iftikhar was elevated to the Supreme Court on 4 February 2000.
So what would make him switch completely to the other side? I have two potential theories, one bullshit and one likely.
1) This is completely conspiracy theory, but Chaudhary is Baloch, and between 1999 and 2006, Musharraf did kill a major Baloch leader (Bugti) and crushed the Baloch movement. Maybe he’s got some ethnic resentment?
2) In 2007, Chaudhary ruled against a steel mills privatization deal that would have benefited Musharraf’s Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz’ friend. After this point, Aziz advised Musharraf to suspend Chaudhary. So there’s motive for Chaudhary right there. What I would love to find out more is whether Chaudhary’s cohorts were the alternative buyers
KEVIN Rudd is approached:
When a journalist asked if he could ask a national question, Mr Rudd responded with: “Zob zob zob.”
“Zob zob zob” is apparently French vernacular for a man’s genitalia, and is also the name of a French hardcore movie from 1977.
AS the Toronto Star reports:
After two days of provocative ideas and spirited exchanges at an international gathering recently in Toronto, British museum curator Robert Bud neatly summed up the collective wisdom.
“The scientists are terrified.”
This widespread angst among scientists has been sparked by evidence that the traditional social compact between science and the public has been irrevocably sundered. Put bluntly, much of the public no longer implicitly trusts either scientists or their pronouncements about everything from climate change to the safety of children’s vaccines.
Such is the way of the Al-Qaeda equal opportunities programme that even British children are being offered the chance to blow themselves to smithereens.
No more English, no more French, no more sitting on the old school bench. No more Spanish, no more Americans, no more Canadians, no more Jews, no more history…
Jonathan Evans is the head of MI5 and he tells one and all: “As I speak, young people in this country are being targeted and radicalised to carry out acts of terrorism.”
Why should he tell us this now? Because the time to act is now! It can’t be because Mr Evans has a vested interest in keeping the threat high and so securing more power and money for he and his team?
Says he: “This year, we have seen individuals as young as 15 and 16 implicated in terrorist related activity… We’ve seen this in Afghanistan and Iraq. There’s no reason why the same tactic can’t work in the UK.”
This is a real danger. As the Mirror says: “Mr Evans appealed for more women to join MI5. Security sources have warned the numbers are dwindling after TV series Spooks showed an MI5 officer having her head plunged in burning oil.”
“MI5 is right to raise the alarm over terrorism,” says the Express editorial.
Right it is that the MI5 should make this warning to the Society of Editors on the eve of today’s Queens’ Speech, in which HRH will make mention a counter-terrorism Bill, one of the aims of which will be to extend the time granted to the police to hold terror suspects from 28 to 56 days.
If only we had those ID cards. And teachers who took the register in the morning…
Polar Bear Watch spots two of the creatures on the cover of the Daily Express, and more in the Daily Telegraph.
“Polar bears’ last strand,” says the caption to the Express’ picture of one polar bear standing on is hind legs.
In “LAST REFUGE OF THE DOOMED BEARS”, the Express publishes “incredible photos of migrating polar bears at play”. The pictures “show a species on the brink of extinction as climate change ravages their once icy-idyll”.
To the untrained eye, it still looks pretty icy in the “Polar Bear Capital of the World”, a vast expanse of ice close to the town of Churchill, Manitoba.
The Express says the bears are waiting for the water to freeze. Now they are “trapped” and hungry. They are, as we have learned, “DOOMED”.
“Mum, when can we open the freezer for dinner?” says the Telegraph’s headline. So hungry are the bears, they are “nuzzling” each other’s faces, or ‘tasting’ as the Express might put it.
Melissa Gibbons, a park warden at Wapsuk National Park, Canada, looks at the a baby bear with his mother. She sees two males on their hind legs. “It may be that they are practising for the mating season… Or it could simply be that they are fooling around to ward off boredom”.
Or that they’ve spotted the cameras and the camera crew…
Picture of the new Fox’s Glacier Mint via Beau Bo D’Or
THE web is alive with news that Victoria Beckham has been wearing a dress in a professional capacity on American TV show Ugly Betty.
The sneak previews is here. If you have never seen Sticky Vicky in a dress before, prepare for no little shock:
SAY bloggers Glenn Reynolds:
BRITISH HUNTING BAN makes hunting more popular. It now includes the thrill of rebellion!
Rebellion? I’ve not seen one person breaking the anti-smoking law in a pub. We sit at the football. The miserabilists are winning…
GISELE Bundchen on the money markets:
Nov. 5 (Bloomberg) — Gisele Bundchen wants to remain the world’s richest model and is insisting that she be paid in almost any currency but the U.S. dollar.
Like billionaire investors Warren Buffett and Bill Gross, the Brazilian supermodel, who Forbes magazine says earns more than anyone in her industry, is at the top of a growing list of rich people who have concluded that the currency can only depreciate because Americans led by President George W. Bush are living beyond their means.
Like Verity, who ferments olives in her artisan bathtub; Bryony, who puts hot chorizo sausages in Pitta breads; and Ivor who can recall the halcyon days of That’s Life when farmers were celebrated for carrots that looked like a penis and marrows on nodding terms with Ted Heath.
The Guardian pulls on Gabriel Oak’s smock and journeys to a farmers’ market in Bath.
The results of the field trip are written up in “In a jam: farmers markets agonise over selling out, expansion (and olives)”.
Angela Morris is selling “Fat fairy fudge” – fingers of fudge moulded into the form of Oscar Wilde, George Michael (early years) and Russell Grant.
But all is not well. A “bitter row” is bubbling. The farmer’s market industry is worth £200million. And this market’s landlord wants to expand the operation. A Mr Rich tells us that farmers’ markets are about local people selling local produce. If Bath market expands, the traders fear there won’t be enough locals to produce the good and regular traders will be allowed in.
A Mr Homewood says: “I like the olive people but you can’t pretend that olives are local, can you?”
You can make olive wine? And stuff them…
BELGIUM – land of bureaucracy, chocolate and obsese detectives. It’s still there:
Belgium will set an uneviable record tomorrow for the longest period in its 177-year history without a government, after divisive election results in June.
No Government, yet it exists. Can we try it?
NIGEL Hastilow, a candidate in a West Midlands seat, has been spaking on immigration.
Notes Dizzy: A Tory candidate says that uncontrolled immigration has irrevocably changed the country as Enoch Powell said it would, and bemoans ‘foreigners’ getting ‘red carpet’ treatment at the expense of locals. This results in Government ministers saying it exposes the “racist underbelly” of the Tory Party.
Meanwhile, the Prime Minister and his Government talk of “British Jobs for British Workers” – a calling card of the white supremest BNP for the past 30 years – and the same Government ministers don’t brief against the Prime Minister talking about his underbelly of racism, as such policies are ‘devoid’ of racism?
In order to understand this you have understand that for the Left it is believed they are incapable of racism. Whilst for the Right it is considered an inherent characteristic. However, the truth is, racism is not the exclusive ownership of one particular conceptual wing of politics, which is why racists can and do exist across the spectrum. Don’t expect many politicians to ever admit that though, such dispassionate honesty wouldn’t be politically expedient .
Boycott Israel now – as they say on the enlightened left of politics.
IN SWEDEN: “Warning signs are compulsory when installing security cameras in Sweden… Security cameras are a sensitive issue in Sweden, with public acceptance much lower than in many other countries.”
As the Croydonian says: “I wonder if the British would remain in their state of ovine passivity about the surveillance state if we were confronted by clear signage indicating when we are being electronically eye-balled.”
Or maybe we’d just dance…
“Girls who flaunt their drink shame,” announces the paper. And there are pictures of young woman at large. Two girls, one with her bare legs on a table, another with exposed arms sat on plastic chairs, at a plastic table.
One girl takes two bottle into the shower of debauchery, pressing the gaping lips of a threesome of beers her mouth.
Another girl is pictured fallen into a pile of leaves, in a style well know to afficionados of Health & Efficiency magazine.
“Nearly 5,000 photographs of girls hopelessly intoxicated – some of them half-naked, covered in their own vomit or comatose in the street – are on the social networking website Facebook.
Helpfully, the Express saves male readers living in caravan sites on the edges of unfashionable seaside resorts the trouble of searching for the images by pointing them away from the group 30 Reasons Gils Should Call It A Night.
The story has a celebrity bent, as ever it should, and the Express says the “Amy Winehouse effect” is not helping.
Thankfully, there are no shots of Winehouse in prone and vulnerable positions, only those of more fleshy, nubile girls.
For anyone who wishes to avoid these images, we advise looking elsewhere on the web, such as to the Daily Express sister site Red Hot And P*ssed…
“WAY to go, Joe,” says Zoe, 25, from London, “you’ve made us all proud.” Zoe uses her Page 3 speech bubble to enlarge upon her support for boxer Joe Calzaghe: “He must be a cert for Sports Personality of the Year now.” An audience with Gerry ‘The Executioner’ Lineker awaits…