‘JOANNA Murphy (was Taylor, nee Clark) is right now shes married, people are holding their breath and waiting for me to get pregnant.
|Boring, boring, Joanna|
Weve now been holding ours for the better part of a week and, although Joanna has yet to announce any impending arrivals, we have gained a unique insight into what it must be like to be the actress and now footballers wife.
But hark, whats that noise? Can it be the dizzying pitter-patter of tiny feet scampering hither and thither?
Just as we are about to breathe once more, Joanna tells us that its not little Jake and Molly not yet but her and her new husband Dannys babies, dogs Honey and Simba.
Thinking of them, Joanna says, with no hint to irony: Its just nice to feel like a family.
Deprived of pictures of Honey and Simba, we can only reassure ourselves that the young Murphys are blessed with Joannas lovely blonde, glossy coat and Dannys skills with a ball.
And perhaps even Joannas fashion sense, a way with clothes that leads her to honeymoon in Barbados with the words Just Married dotted in silver on the back of her black bikini briefs.
In case readers missed the legend the first time around, a few pages on Danny has hoisted his beloved round his middle, so allowing her to present her buttocks towards the camera.
Words that are most often written on the back of a bus or the boot of a car of Rolls Royce proportions look oddly at home on Joannas backside.
But before Joanna ties on an old boot to her bra strap and festoons her sensational two-piece with toilet roll and an inflated condom, she wants us to realise something desperately important, lest we get the wrong idea.
Says she: Were pretty boring in many ways.
Not all ways, you understand, just many…’
‘AFTER the most extraordinary ten weeks of their lives, Michelle and Stuart were happy to escape the cameras and the mayhem that has surrounded them since they came out of the Big Brother house.
|Since his lobotomy, Stu and Michelle have been communicating really well|
And what better way to escape the cameras than by allowing OK! to take a million photographs of you doing things that reality TV couples do when they are soooo in love.
Things like wrapping one arm around each other and another round a guitar as you grin in the Mallorca sunshine.
And other things like cuddling, cuddling again, cuddling, cuddling, sharing a cuddle, getting cuddly, being cuddled, and cuddling.
The only things that alter in Stu and Michelles in-depth cuddlerama are their outfits.
Hard-bitten investigative journalists like us at Anorak Towers would dearly love to know which outfit is the best for cuddling.
Since we know where each item can be bought and for how much, itd be vital to know which garment or combo stood up best to a good smooch.
But OK! doesnt ask. It does, however, wonder if Stu prefers Michelle with short or long hair and gives him the platform to say that yes he will get this hair cut when I enter the workplace.
We also learn that Michelle likes being recognised, and as long as were not mobbed by 50 people all at the same time, she can take it.
But not which outfit is the best for cuddling. Thats for another time…’
‘HOLLYWOOD is like a giant playpen, a fantasy world populated by stars and starlets boasting the emotional maturity (and indeed the height) of an average three-year-old.
|Anorak’s bestest friend in the whole wide world|
And so it is no surprise to read in this weeks Enquirer that Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan almost came to blows recently…over which one was Paris Hiltons best friend.
Have you ever heard of anything so pathetic in all your life? Everyone knows that we at Anorak are Pariss best friend and well pull the hair of anyone who suggests otherwise.
Someone described as an insider familiar with the bitter confrontation at the Palms Casino Hotel takes up the tale.
Tara called Lindsay every name in the book, the source says. And things got worse after Tara consumed a few cocktails.
At one point Tara even threatened, Im gonna punch your lights out! to a stunned Linsday. And Tara meant it.
Really? She was actually going to go round to Lindsays room and extinguish all artificial illumination therein with her fists?
We think not but meanwhile Lindsay was giving as good as she got.
Lindsay, our insider says, shot back that Tara is nothing but a washed-up B-list starlet who was desperately trying to hold on to her A-list friends like Paris.
As for the cause of the row, the Enquirer explains that Tara was jealous because Lindsay had become close to Paris after giving her ex-boyfriend Nick Carter a piece of her mind.
So, Tara hit back with the Californian equivalent of pulling someones pigtails and started suggesting that Lindsay had had a boob job.
It got back to Lindsay, the magazine reports, and she was furious.
What about the lip implants and remodelled chin? Hadnt Tara even noticed those?’
‘IF you want to know who’s had a boob job and who hasn’t in Hollywood, ask a porn star.
|‘The truth is in here…’|
If you want to know who’s straight and who’s gay, ask a porn star.
If you want to know who is the more talented actor, Ben Affleck or a plank of wood, ask a porn star.
In fact, if you want to know anything about anyone, then you know where to turn. Porn stars are the Hollywood equivalent of the Delphic Oracle.
So, when porn legend Jenna Jameson claims in her new book, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star, that Cindy Crawford came onto her during an E! channel appearance, we have to believe her.
‘I knew what it meant because I’d experienced it so many times before,’ Jenna says, ‘but I kept dismissing it. It couldn’t be true. She was Cindy Crawford, after all.’
But it was true, according to well-hung porn king Ron Jeremy, who is himself as honest as his penis is long.
‘Despite what people think of adult entertainers,’ he tells the Enquirer, ‘Jenna is one of the most honest people I know. If she says something, I buy it.’
And so can you, priced at $27.95 from all good bookshops.’
‘AS Anorak’s resident porn star is on holiday, we will have to wait for a definitive answer on whether Madonna’s breasts have had a bit of help from our old friends Dr Nip and Dr Tuck.
|Real or fake?|
But the Enquirer shows a picture of the 46-year-old singer to plastic surgery consultant Adrian Richards and he’s as sure as a man who’s never worked as a stunt cock can be.
‘Ten years ago, her breasts were quite small and pert, with a small base – they didn’t stretch across her chest as they do now,’ he says.
‘There is no way she could have achieved her buxom look with just the help of Mother Nature.’
But not everyone is as appreciative of Madonna’s aging body.
Critics have slammed her most recent shows, saying her dancers only serve to highlight the difference between a young body and a more mature one.
And the Enquirer says Madonna has thrown a tantrum, vowing to challenge some of her female critics to a competition of strength with her.
In The Ring With Madonna will come out later this year, with an undercard featuring Tara Reid v Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton v Nick Carter and Naomi Campbell taking on all-comers…’
‘CONGRATULATIONS to Hello! for finally realising that its diet of sugary sweet pap wrapped in candy floss and treacle is damaging the nation’s teeth.
|Esther attaches herself to the energy of Guy|
The complementary packet of Orbit ‘Professional’ sugar free gum glued to the cover of this week’s issue will go some way to repairing the damage Hello!’s words have inflicted upon a nation not overly blessed in the dental department.
But before the first stick of gum has lost its flavour, the magazine is scraping its enamel-like nails down a blackboard.
Madonna, readers learn, is all set to tell us why ‘family life is her greatest gift’.
Whether this is her gift to us, a gift to herself or a gift from a fan is never made totally clear.
What we get instead is the chance to see Madonna walking along with her husband, Guy, the pair decked out in matching flat caps, earthy-coloured slacks and polo shirts.
Oh, and, naturally, they both sport identical red sting bracelets, the last word in celebrity chic, and only available to devotees of Kabbalah…or in the haberdashery section of John Lewis.
But clever old you have noticed that it’s not Madonna at all – it’s Esther, the woman who looks a lot like Madonna, only without the conical bra and bulging crotch.
And she chose the name Esther because she ‘wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name’.
If it was energy she was after, Duracell, Nuclear Fusion or National Grid may have served the purpose better.
But not Mars, Topic or any energy-boosting confection which, as readers of Hello! know only too well, can rot your teeth faster than you can say ‘few can deny she looks better than a woman her age has any right to…”
‘LOOKING at Donald Trump, one word springs to mind: lacquer.
|‘Til death or a very good lawyer do them part|
Donald may well be ‘very handsome and smart’ and be blessed with ‘a great sense of humour’, but stand him near a hot oven and…whoosh!, he could go up quicker than a middle-aged man on Viagra.
But let us not worry for Donald’s well-being because he’s doing just fine.
He’s is love with Melania Knauss, a ‘smart, elegant women with a degree in design and architecture and a successful career as a model’.
He’s also got, in Melania’s worlds, a ‘great heart’, something that should see him and Melania go on for a long, long, long time.
And certainly as far as their mooted January wedding, which should secure Melania certain rights should her beloved’s great heart not prove to be so great after all.
Better yet if Donald can manage a few children. The future Mrs Trump says she wants to ‘focus on our family’ and, since she and Donald share no children, that can only means she’s planning to have some.
Donald supports the plan, revealing that ‘if you have money, having additional children is not a problem’.
‘I know many people who get remarried but don’t want to have more children, and their marriage breaks up over the issue,’ he says.
Much better to separate after you’ve given him some more kids, and so get yourself an improved divorce settlement and some proper alimony…’
”IT’S hard to imagine Lady Victoria Hervey on a surfboard,’ says Hello!
|Proof that Darwin was wrong|
But always ready to face down a challenge, we’ve closed our eyes, rubbed our temples and conjured up an image of… well, nothing.
We tried again, this time starting small and trying to imagine the woman – who’s now in Los Angeles taking acting classes and talking to TV producers about making a show about her ‘jet-set lifestyle’ – just paddling her feet in the ocean.
But still nothing comes. There’s no image.
We try again, now really concentrating, furrowing our brow and seeing if we can imagine the good lady just touching the sand with her toes. But it’s another non-starter.
And then it dawns on us. This is the challenge that has no answer.
We can’t imagine Lady Hervey surfing because we can’t imagine her doing anything.
Truth be told, we find it hard to believe she actually even exists. Although if she didn’t, why would anyone bother making her up?
Answers in the form of a surfboard to the usual address…’
‘ALL great love affairs start on reality TV shows.
|‘Let’s play ‘guess what I had for breakfast”|
Peter and Jordan obviously met on the set of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! Romeo and Juliet shared their first kiss while filming Family Feud.
And some people forget that Hero and Lysander got together on the show that spawned Temptation Island – When Straits Divide!
So we are sure that centuries from now when thoughts turn to love, people will still raise a glass to Big Brother’s Stuart and Michelle.
A couple whose desperation for fame was so legendary that there was no humiliation which they would no bear, no depth to which they would not stoop, no ridicule to which they would not subject themselves.
In a world exclusive interview (for the third week running), OK! puts the would-be Geordie glamour model and her handsome beau to the test.
Will Stuart put on a £9.99 cowboy hat from River Island and let Michelle smear flour over his face? He sure will.
Will Michelle (top, £100 from D%G; jeans, £145 by Dondup) play Twister with Stuart (T-shirt, £40 from Ted Baker; jeans, £195 by Alien B)? You betcha.
Will Michelle (dress, £249 by Vivia; shoes, £54.99 by River Island) squirt her chicken (jumper, £65 by French Connection; jeans, £90 from Freesoul) with a water pistol? Squirt away!
Will Stuart (cowboy hat, £9.99; boots, £120 from River Island) sit next to Michelle (boots, £99.99 by Destroy) and point laughing into the distance? Whatever you say, partner…’
‘THERE is nothing we look forward to more every week than reading Kerry McPudding’s column in OK! magazine.
|‘And now here’s the news…’|
This week, for instance, we learn that Kerry has graciously given her blessing to Beyonce Knowles’s decision to put her wedding to rapper Jay-Z on hold, announcing, ‘Beyonce’s wedding plans are fine by me’.
If that was not a massive comfort to the sometime Destiny’s Child singer, then we’re sure J-Lo is positively ecstatic to hear that Kerry wishes her the best of luck if rumours about her pregnancy are true.
Similarly, the powers behind Naked News will be bitterly disappointed to learn that Kerry will not be tuning in.
‘I have never heard anything that is so pathetic in all my life,’ she says. ‘Who would want to do that for a job?’
Maybe, a young hopeful who used to pose topless to earn a few quid at the start of her career. Eh, Kerry?
You may equally ask who would want to write a column for OK! every week. And we rather think that there Kerry might have competition from fellow Westwife Jodi Albert.
The Hollyoaks actress tells OK! that her mum bought her a laptop computer for her 21st birthday.
‘I’m determined to be able to use it and not have it as an accessory,’ she says. ‘I really wanted one – and this is going to sound cheesy – because of Sex And The City!
‘To pretend I was writing my column!’
‘HERO and Lysander. Anthony and Cleopatra. Romeo and Juliet. Napoleon and Josephine. Day-vid and Victoria…
|‘Stop following me, dwarf man!’|
To this pantheon of great romances we must now add the names of Peter and Jordan, as we join OK! over 17 ‘world exclusive’ pages in celebrating the romance of the century.
And in honour of the happy couple, Anorak can announce that it is giving away signed copies of its award-winning docu-drama ‘Insania: The Fumble In The Jungle’ to 50 lucky readers.
‘He was a pint-sized Aussie midget, with his best years behind him; she was an English mo-del with three tonnes of silicone in front of her.
‘But when they met, it was Insania…’
To win a copy of this seminal 96-minute feature, readers need only answer this simple question: ‘How many Fs are there in Jordan?’ 1) 0; 2) 1; 3) 2.
In the event that more than 50 readers get the correct answer of 2, then they will be required to complete a tie-break question (in no more than 15 words): ‘I bought Peter Andre’s Mysterious Girl because…’
If there is still a tie, readers will have to undergo our very own version of a Bushtucker Challenge.
They must read through the whole of OK!’s ‘holiday exclusive’ interview with the couple on their return from the Maldives…without throwing up.
Easy? We think not – as this brief excerpt will show…
Peter: ‘Put it this way – this holiday has really solidified our relationship. It was the best thing that could have happened for us.’
Jordan: ‘We’ve spent a lot of time together anyway since we left the jungle, but to be in a remote place like the Maldives really tests whether you get on.’
Peter: ‘It just made us stronger than ever. It’s taken us to the next level in our relationship.’
Jordan: ‘What are you trying to say, Pete? That you’re in love with me?’
Peter: ‘Yes, I am.’
Jordan: ‘And I’m in love with you too, Peter.’
‘PARENTS tell their children a lot of lies – that Father Christmas exists, that we are nearly there yet and that Dad and Mrs Adamson really were looking for a dropped contact lens when you walked in on them.
|Anything’s possible if you put your mind to it. Even this.|
But surely the biggest fib that adults insist on trotting out to their progeny is that you can be – or do – anything if you really put your mind to it.
What a crock of shit! It doesn’t matter how hard you try, if you’re only 5ft 2in tall, you’re not going to have a career in the NBA.
Unless you have the God-given ability to spout mindless drivel for hours on end and still think you’re amusing, you ain’t going to become a radio DJ.
And unless you’ve got breasts the size of beachballs, you’re not going to be the new Jordan. Sad it may be, but it’s true. Deal with it, junior.
However, it is true that anyone can become former Hollyoaks star and Celebrity Fame Academy winner Will Mellor if they put their mind to it.
It helps of course to have a head-start if you are to emulate the 28-year-old who can also put shows like Casualty and Night Fever on his CV.
And no-one has more of a head-start than Will’s baby son, Jayden – not only has Jayden got his dad’s genes, but he’s also got his dad’s name – Jayden Will Mellor.
No wonder Will has got such high hopes for the young tyke.
‘Being streetwise feels very important,’ the multi-talented Mellor tells Hello! ‘Being good at school less so. I was a terrible pupil and lucky to stay in school.’
So, Lesson 1 to any kids wanting to follow in Will’s footsteps – get kicked out of school.
As for Lesson 2…
‘I want him, above all, to go for his dreams and recognise that anything is possible as long as you put your mind to it.’
Including if he’s really lucky a role alongside his dad in that seminal drama, Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps…’
‘ACCORDING to their official website, Irish girl band Bellefire have achieved a huge amount in the four years they’ve been together.
|Big in Japan|
We quote: ‘They’ve toured – and become huge in – Japan, even performing traditional Irish ballad versions of Japanese punk songs with one of that country’s biggest stars, Yaiko.’
Enough for any band, we’re sure you would agree, but Bellefire are not resting on their laurels – they’re releasing a single called Spin The Wheel next month and their debut UK album the month after.
And to cap it all off this week they have their own two-page spread in Hello!, in which they reveal ‘the hard work and fighting spirit behind their carefree image’.
Of course, to have an image in days gone by, carefree or otherwise, it used to help that people had got the first clue who you were.
But that was then, this is now and 22-year-old Cathy, her sister Ciara, 21, and Kelly Kilfeather, 25 are determined not to be weighed down by such stereotypes.
‘What none of us want to be now, and never wanted to be right from the beginning,’ says Kelly, ‘was a stereotypical all-singing, all-dancing, all-smiling gushy pop act that is disposable as bubble gum.
‘We want to last longer than an eye-blink.’
So, ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, keep your eyes open and put your hands together for the new B*Witched, the Irish Atomic Kitten, the female Busted…’
‘AT Anorak, we have often been asked if shooting could be any more fashionable.
|Kelly Brook de Campo|
We are indebted to Hello! magazine, which this week provides an answer.
‘Shooting is even more fashionable now that Bill Emberg has created a new luxury leather range for the sport.’
And at a cocktail party to celebrate the launch of the range in Chelsea, all of London’s most fashionable types were out ‘hunting down one of the cartridge belt and bags made from bridle leather or a beautiful double gun slip’ from the collection.
Sadly, celebrity marksmen Guy and Madonna couldn’t make it – by the looks of it, they were too busy washing the car.
Nor could Jude and Sienna spotted enjoying a romantic stroll through Venice or Kelly Brook and her just good friend Billy Zane, seen walking arm-in-arm on the French Riviera,
But we think you’d agree that the presence of the likes of the Duchess of Marlborough, Countess Douglas and Lord Edward Manners more than made up for the various absences.
And in the absence of Kelly Brook, Brooke de Campo lent a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ to the occasion…’
‘THE search for renewable sources of energy, the drive to find life on other planets and the quest to restore Anthea Turner to our TV screens are all walks in the park compared to today’s mission – to make Stuart Wilson interesting.
|There was no shortage of tits in the Big Brother house|
OK! has never baulked in the face of mediocrity – why, it has even managed to give reality TV star Kerry McFadden her own column.
So, when it gives Stu a guitar to pose with, the hope is that the instrument will lend him some degree of charisma.
Sadly, it fails, and we find ourselves wondering where the guitar was made and what shop it came from and not thinking about Stu or what Stu is about to play.
But then the only thing Stu’s fingers are interested in strumming these days is Michelle Bass, the brassy Geordie lass with whom he may not have had sex on the Big Brother TV show.
We can’t be sure what went on because the couple who volunteered to be filmed for 24 hours a day for ten weeks and dropped their clothes at a moment’s notice, have suddenly come over all coy.
And even when OK! asks what went on beneath that table for a third time, the pair are ‘united in their shy defence’.
And then OK! gets a little stuck. Michelle and Stuart have nothing left to offer.
So, instead of revelations about Stu’s private life (the pubic hair ball he keeps under his pillow; his world-class collection of J-cloths) and how Michelle just loves sex and Countdown, we get the story of their love.
We hear how they met (on a TV show), how they kissed (on a TV show), what they thought of each other when they met (on a TV show) what happened when they were evicted from the Big Brother house (on a TV show).
The only question left to ask them is: ‘So, one last time for the record: did you have sex in the house?’
And that’s a record someone needs to change very soon…’
‘EVER wondered what the parents of the shameless exhibitionists who appear on Big Brother think of their children?
|A match made in a TV studio|
No, neither have we. But OK! has and it went to Macclesfield to talk with Stuart Wilson’s mother, Siobhan.
And just like her son, Siobhan has brought along a few props – Stuart’s siblings, Janet and John.
And just in case we find them as uninteresting as their brother, OK! has equipped each of them with a prop of their own.
John has a guitar. Janet has a violin and, in a further shot, a copy of – yep, you guessed it – OK! magazine.
The only people missing from this homage to domestic bliss are Stuart’s father, Phil, and his other sister, Fiona.
Where are they? We can only hope they are too ashamed to actually lend their faces to this story.
But, for now, OK! has to work with the material it’s got, and it wonders what Siobhan thinks of her son’s girlfriend, the horrendous Michelle.
‘I wish she was a little more inhibited, but she’s young and we do silly things when we’re young,’ she says diplomatically.
Will the love affair last? ‘I’m confident their relationship will last. And that they will be a couple… I don’t know if it will last, though, because their relationship is built on very shaky ground; it doesn’t have a very solid foundation.’
She also thinks Michelle has a ‘jealous nature’. And when she first saw the Big Brother cast assemble, Mrs Wilson thought what a lovely girl Shell was and that it would be nice if she and Stu ‘teamed up’.
It’s all a little confusing. But things soon become clear when Siobhan offers her philosophy on her son’s romance.
Would Siobhan ever say anything bad if her son brought home a girl she didn’t like ?
‘Yes, I would,’ says she, ‘but I’d be very careful how I approached it. If you interfere with your children’s relationships, you can make them more determined.’
And for now, that means Michelle is just a lovely, sweet-hearted gel who has yet to visit chez Wilson…’
‘BEFORE we tell you what Cordelia Kretzschmar had for lunch, we should tell you what a Cordelia Kretzschmar is.
Make that who a Cordelia Kretzschmar is, because this one’s a she and she’s made of flesh and blood, like any number of Sharons, Lucys and Tinas.
So to the chase, and the news that Cordelia Kretzschmar is a reporter on GMTV and has just eaten a lunch of hot smoked salmon salad with ravigote dressing.
Unlike our investigation into Cordelia, that dish needs no explanation, and many is the time we at Anorak Towers have splashed a dash of ravigote on our crab sticks.
And like Cordelia we too are partial to a warming bowl of strawberry soup, made by smothering a bowl of the red fruit in vanilla ice-cream and allowing it to melt.
However, we are unfamiliar with a Jonathan Swain. So we read with much interest that a Jonathan Swain is also a presenter on GMTV and not a brand dishcloth.
We know it’s a lot to take in, but you are a bright bunch and OK!, like us, is never scared of increasing its readers’ understanding of the world around us…’
‘HAD it been Kirstie Alley or Oprah Winfrey, for example, we would barely have raised an eyebrow but the news that Jennifer Aniston has blown up has come as quite a surprise.
|Jennifer starts to shatter like she was made of glass|
But there it is on the cover of this weeks National Enquirer, which promises all the details inside.
And splattered across two pages, we read the magazines exclusive into how the Friends actress had been becoming more and more upset with her fish-bowl existence in Hollywood.
She blamed the pressure of her celebrity life for not being able to conceive and wanted to move to Europe to get away from star-crazed fans.
Husband Brad Pitt agreed and the couple were said to be looking for a house in the East Sussex village of Rye when disaster struck.
Jen could not take any more and exploded, spattering the walls of the couples Los Angeles home with blood, gore and bits of undigested Krispy Kremes.
The Enquirer says the Friends star is the fourth celebrity to blow up this year and there are fears that the pressures of life in Tinseltown may be getting too much for many stars.
Only last month, Meat Loaf exploded in the middle of a gig, while in May bomb disposal experts arrived in the nick of time to save CSI star William Peterson.
Danny De Vito and wife Rhea Perlman of course started the current trend when they both blew up within minutes of each other at the beginning of the year.
However, the good news for Tinseltown insiders is that Jennifers self-destruction was captured on the houses security cameras.
And as we speak Pitt is said to be negotiating with TV moguls over a fee for releasing the footage for a new programme, When Celebrities Explode!
In Hollywood, every cloud has a silver lining…’
‘WITH the average duration of a celebrity marriage now counted in days rather than years (and, in the case of Britney Spears, hours rather than days), something had to give.
|‘Don’t leave me. We’ve only been married for 37 minutes’|
And that something, it seems, is the honeymoon.
It has just become too difficult for stars to fit in a fortnight in the Bahamas or even 10 days on the Amalfi Coast when the honeymoon can often last longer than the marriage.
So, Nicolas Cage has decided to dispense with the honeymoon completely with his latest bride, 20-year-old former sushi waitress Alice Kim.
He even dispensed with guests at the San Jose wedding – and, just hours after saying ‘I do’ for about the 33rd time, Cage was back at work.
‘Nic is pretty bizarre when it comes to marriage,’ a source close to him tells the Enquirer. ‘He courts women, marries them, and then spends very little time with them.
‘It was the same thing with Lisa Marie Presley. Nic and Lisa Marie never had a real honeymoon.
‘And in their 107-day marriage, he spent little more than two weeks’ total time with her.’
We wonder, however, whether Cage is missing a trick here.
Rather than prolonging an unhappy marriage for more than three months, would he not have been better off going straight from wedding to honeymoon to divorce court?
Or, if he really wants to avoid a honeymoon, do a Britney and go straight from wedding chapel to divorce court?
However, it appears that Britney herself might not even make it to the chapel this time with reports that she has had her first bust-up with fiancé Kevin Federline.
The 26-year-old dancer apparently shouted at his bride-to-be, ‘I’m all the man you need now’, after hearing her on the phone to Ben Affleck.
A source tells the Enquirer: ‘Kevin’s paranoid about Ben because he’s handsome, famous, accomplished, successful and charismatic.’
And does wooden better than any actor since Pinocchio…’
‘WILL And Grace star Debra Messing has a secret – and sordid – lesbian crush on Latin lovely Salma Hayek.
|Salma loved deliberately provoking Debra|
‘Salma is luscious,’ says the star (who claims she is not gay). ‘She’s beautiful and exotic and she’s curvy in every way that I’m not.
‘She has the fabulous accent. I’m a sucker for the accent. And she’s got great fashion sense.’
Messing claims that she made the comments in an interview with OUT magazine, which asked stars who would be their dream date if they wore a more comfortable style of shoe.
But we here at Anorak – and the National Enquirer – know better.
And we advise Salma to be on her guard against the dungaree-clad star of Will And Grace.
Also in the sights of these secret friends of Dorothy this week are Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron and Sheryl Crow, wanted for a big lezzie orgy by Tiffani Theissen; Lauryn Hill, the fantasy shag of Alyssa Milano; and Elizabeth Taylor (c.1930), Jeri Ryan’s same-sex soulmate.
You have been warned, ladies. These women are not wearing heels and they can run faster than you…’
‘THIS week, we were torn between commenting on Jodie Kidds engagement to fiancé Aiden (and why wearing a T-shirt with a picture of herself playing polo on it), weeping at the marriage of Coronation Street baddie Bryan Caprons daughter or wondering what lies ahead for the Bills Trudie Goodwin.
|The new Jono Coleman|
But then something fell out of Hello! magazine. It was the HOLIDAY HELLO! SUMMER SPECIAL.
There were promises of SHORT STORIES, STARS ON HOLIDAY, PUZZLES and HUMOUR.
The celebs had been trumped, and we have spent the best part of a day tying to SPOT THE DIFFERENCE between the picture of Cat Deeley on the left and the picture of the childrens TV presenter on the right.
For your information, in the picture on the left, Cat looks like shes got a big future in TV ahead of her; on the right, she looks like old news.
Theres also an entertainment quiz, a MOVIE LINK game (in which we are invited to guess what links Kevin Costner to any other Hollywood actor).
THERES also a short story form Jackie Collins – QUEEN OF THE BLOCKBUSTER in which a Hollywood star prepares for her comeback.
But the real SCOOP is on the back page where Dannii Minogue is interviewed about her love of Ibiza nights and confesses a SECRET passion for packing.
The news that Dannii is now the PROUD owner of a British passport. And she has a cat – which is FAT and round and may or may not be called Jono.’
‘AS far as we know, no-one has drowned in the West End of London since David Hasselhoff arrived.
|Coming to a puddle near you|
With the worlds most famous lifeguard in town, paddlers in the Trafalgar Square fountain have been splashing around with a new sense of freedom.
Just knowing Dave is around gives all Londoners a sense of security – although Dave is determined not to make a big show of being a real bona fide hero.
So hes taken to moving around the capital incognito, dressed in a pair of silver-tipped cowboy boots, a black leather jacket open to the waist (to reveal his white T-shirt and silver cross beneath), a pair of dark sunglasses and a yellow floatation aid tucked under one arm.
He looks just like any other Londoner as he poses for photographs in front of the London Eye.
And when he wanders around Covent Garden with his wife Pamela and daughters Taylor-Ann and Hayley the family group he calls his North Star no-one notices the Americans in the red shorts and high-cut swimsuits.
But still some fans see through the disguise and call out to him.
People on the street are so cool, says Dave. Theyll say, Hey, Michael or Hey, Mitch, and they want to chat or ask for an autograph.
No-one, however, says Hey, Dave, Hail The Hoff, Nice boots or even Give us a song…although very soon they might be saying Hey, Billy thanks to Daves latest part playing Billy Flynn in the hit stage show Chicago.
People dont expect me to be good, says Dave. They come to the show and they go: Well, okay, heres the Baywatch guy. Hes on TV, well see.
Theyre surprised that I can sing and dance.
And dive into a central London fountain with no thought for his own safety…’
‘NOT every Australian who arrives on these shores can be the new Jono Coleman.
|‘Only fools and horses work’|
Many end up as the new Kylie, Rolf, Dannii or in panto in Bridlington.
But what they all bring to these shores is a backpack stuffed full of Vegemite, inflatable kangaroos, rugby tops and the hope that they can make it big in the mother country.
And today we look at the latest arrival, Sarah Fergusons niece Ayesha Makim, daughter of the old toe-suckers sister Jane and a fledgling model.
Shes here to pose in some large jewels, some small underwear and to tell us that she fell into modelling by accident.
And it must have been quite some accident, because looking at Ayesha we must wonder what the girl who looks not unlike a young Nicholas Lyndhurst can bring to the modelling world.
But before we can wonder any longer, Hello! is on hand to tell us.
Shes got her mothers high cheekbones, it says, her aunt Sarahs love of fun and her grandmother Susan Barrantes sense of style.
Shes also got a cousin called Princess Eugenie and another called Princess Beatrice.
Which might not be enough to get her a part on Celebrity Fatsos with Coleman or a walk-on role in Emmerdale, but it will get her a spread in Hello! and thats more than enough…’
‘WHEN Hollywood casting directors were looking around for actresses to star in the 2004 remake of the 1975 classic The Stepford Wives, they clearly didnt visit Chester.
|January, February, March, April, May…|
Had they done so, they would have found their cast already assembled tanned, gorgeous and as interchangeable as so many brands of toothpaste.
Actually, they wouldnt because the cast of Hollyoaks has decamped to Ibiza for the summer, which is where we catch up with them in this weeks OK!
Helpfully, they are all wearing different colour bikinis so that we can tell them apart as they top up their tans, read magazines, play beach tennis and apply liberal coatings of suntan oil to one other.
Sarah Dunn (22-years-old, long blonde hair, pierced belly button) shows up in a pink and turquoise number.
Ali Bastian (22-years-old, long blonde hair, pierced belly button) chose a hot pink bikini with string tied bottoms.
Jodi Albert (21-years-old, long dark hair, pierced belly button) kept wrapped in a pink, floral-print sarong and a sky blue bikini, which just managed to keep her contained.
And Gemma Atkinson (19-years-old, long blonde hair, belly button pierced) was wearing an orange bikini and showing off her tattoo of Chinese symbols on her belly.
A spokesman for the show tells OK! that the girls are good pals on and off the set.
Theyve all worked hard and its nice to see them having fun and relaxing on a well-earned holiday.
But it wasnt all play for the girls they were actually in Ibiza shooting the Hollyoaks 2005 calendar.
Weve got a feeling that one month is going to seem very much like every other next year except perhaps for October which will be fat and ginger and called Chloe…’
‘THE Hollyoaks hotties arent the only bikini-clad British babes who have been gracing the Spanish beaches this summer.
|Kerry – before she was famous|
OK! catches up with former Hollyoaks star Davinia Taylor (26-years-old, long blonde hair, belly button not pierced) and her singer friend Jenny Frost (26-year-old, long blonde hair, belly button not pierced) in the millionaires hangout of Marbella.
But sadly not the woman whom Jenny replaced in Atomic Kitten, OK!s very own Hot Stars columnist Kerry McPudding.
Theres no way Id want to be caught on a beach in a bikini like Jenny Frost, Charlotte Church and Britney Spears because I dont have a body like theirs, explains our Kerry.
Not that Kerry (23-years-old, long blonde hair, state of belly button unknown) hasnt been on the obligatory holiday to Spain this summer.
She went to Majorca with husband Bryan/Brian, former Atomic Kitten bandmate Natasha Hamilton (22-years-old, long blondish hair, belly button unpierced), her bloke and their respective kids.
But Kerry was very careful to make sure she was never photographed in a bikini on the beach.
She saves such appearances for when she can be sure no-ones looking like when she was the presenter of short-lived TV show Elimidate and was in Atomic Kitten.’