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POLICE LOG: Crime in the news…
Jumpers For Tyres:
An 89-year-old grandmother who went on a tyre-wrecking spree in her street has been ordered to knit jumpers for her victims.
Heidi Kohl, from western Germany, was arrested after one neighbour spotted her slashing the tyres on a car. She later confessed that she had resorted to drastic measures after becoming “fed up” with so many drivers parking in her neighbourhood.
Kohl was initially told that she would be fined for her behaviour, but authorities came up with the more unusual punishment after the woman claimed she would be unable to pay.
A spokeswoman confirmed: “When she’s knitted the sweaters, then the matter will be over for us.”
Something in stripes should do it…
WANT to know what to do with your money? Read The Biscuit Tin Economy…
Sample recipe: Goulash with stallion or bull testicles
2-3 tablespoons lard
4kg stallion of bull testicles
1 clove garlic
peppercorn and ground pepper
red ground seasoning pepper or tomato puree
hot chilli pepper to taste
1 tbsp plain flour
200ml white wine
1 tablespoon honey
2 squares cooking chocolate
Cut testicles into thin slices. Fry briefly, adding finely chopped onion, garlic, black ground pepper and chilli. Cook while gradually adding water. When nearly finished, add white wine. When wine evaporates a bit, add mix seasoning, pepper, thyme, milfoil, red pepper powder, mint herb and a tablespoon of flour. Mix all well until wine completely evaporates and at the very end add honey and chocolate. Instead of red ground seasoning pepper you can use tomato puree. Tomato puree is used to get red colour, so don’t use ketchup.
GLOBAL warming quote of the day: Bette Midler…
“Over the years, the number of trucks that I have behind me has grown exponentially and I don’t really like that, I don’t like wasting the gas,” she told me on a promotional trip to London.
“Fourteen trucks, that’s a lot of gas. So I decided I’d stay put for a while,” she added.
It gets better…
Surely moving equipment in trucks is unavoidable for a touring show, I ask her?
“I can avoid it,” she says, shaking her head, and going on to provide an impressive list of her green credentials that would put most celebrities to shame.
“I don’t drive much, I have a Smart car, I have a hybrid, I drive a [Toyota] Prius,” she says.
It’s the wind beneath her wings that powers her on…
The satellite channel is the latest of these marginal gambits: Three readers from different parts of the country email that Channel 073-00 on the Dish Network is now labeled OBAMA. (“What is up with Sen. Obama having his own channel?” asks a St. Louis reader.) The channel plays his two-minute ad laying out his economic plan on a loop, over and over.
A bastion of truth…
Well, if the ongoing proceedings in Congress are anything to go by Warren Buffet may end up as the lender of last resort after the Federal Reserve goes down; Dog only knows that I have spent 20 years pointing out that the Savings and Loans debacle was not only predictable but blindingly obvious, and that the same thing would happen all over again, with brass knobs on, if they didn’t relocate the rocket scientists to someplace where they could do less damage, like weapons research.
They didn’t, and it has…
WANNA be depressed. Here goes:
nothing seems out of the ordinary when you first look at Life Clock. upon closer inspection, you may notice the numbers seem a little high. this is because one rotation of this clock is equal to the average human lifespan. the clock is an artwork by bertrand planes which uses an ordinary clock slowed down 61320 times to make each minute equal to a year.
This afternoon, as reported in the Newy York Times, the money markets ceased to exist.
“The money markets have completely broken down, with no trading taking place at all,” said Christoph Rieger, a fixed-income strategist at Dresdner Kleinwort in Frankfurt. “There is no market any more. Central banks are the only providers of cash to the market; no one else is lending.”
That’s the bad news.
The really bad news is that the SEC has taken leave of what little sense it possesses and put out a new accounting standard on how financial concerns have to value their assets. The reality is that many of the assets have very little value because no-one will buy them; these are the toxic debts that Congress was asked to subsidise.
The new accounting standards will allow the financial concerns to pretend that the debts have some market value, even though there is no market for them.
The reason that there is no market for them is because they have no value.
The SEC seems to be hoping that pretending valueless assets have a value will make everyone happy again, so that people will start lending money again, and all the businesses that rely on borrowing money to meet pay rolls and other expenses won’t go bust.
Of course, what is likely to happen is that people will be more scared than ever of just what is in those bank vaults…
“I’M looking forward to meeting Joe Biden. I’ve been looking forward to meeting him since the second grade” – VP CANDIDATE SARAH PALIN.
Jay considers the words:
ennoia (en-NOY-a), the figure of faint praise. From the Greek, meaning “hidden intention.”
Oh, that saucy Sarah Palin! With a smile like a dog’s before it bites you, she delivers her lines with an energy we haven’t seen politicians exhibit in some time. We’re happy to see Governor Palin’s comfort with one of the finer figures. The ennoia damns the victim through faint praise, allowing you to seem agreeable even when you’re on the attack. But Palin’s use of an it to imply the age of her hoary counterpart strikes us as a tad, well, schoolyardish.
MAGNETITE writes: “Forgive me if this has been posted before, elsewhere, or in Anoraks main pages. It is early hours and sleep evades me, Brown Ale Nepenthe has made me lackadaisical and this just frightened the hairy Bejesus out of me.
“This is picture 11 out of 20 from the Sarah Palin lookalike contest in the Anchorage Daily News (it’s the one with all of them together, in case new ones are added and the numbers change, or my image cose doesn’t work)
“They all look like Palin would if God got to have another crack at making her.”
POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news…
IN California, scientists are testing the hearing of polar bears “to try to find out whether the noises associated with melting Arctic ice could affect their ability to survive”.
In the wild, polar bears live in one of the quietest places on Earth. For much of the time, the Arctic is a bitterly cold, silent world.
But global warming is changing that. Ice, which is crucial to the bears’ survival, is disappearing and people are moving in.
“We’re expecting industrial activity, shipping, recreation, all of those human activities to increase in the Arctic,” says Dr Ann Bowles, a senior research scientist at Hubbs-Seaworld Research Institute in San Diego.
“We’re going to be bringing noise and activity much closer to these guys. What we’re trying to do is help to protect the bears during this period of transition,” she says.
To Cincinnati pleaded, them where Allen is in Middletown Municipal Court to answer one count of disorderly conduct: she urinated on a neighbour’s and chased children.
BEN Goldacre sees hoq the Mail, like all good middle-class sods, has it every way it can get it:
I am Health Book Of The Week in the Daily Mail (and after all the mean things I’ve said about them). To me this says a great deal about the strangeness of the Daily Mail project – barrages of nonsense, interspersed with occasional moments of incongruous clarity. This phenomenon, for me, reached its pinnacle in their front page article on how miracle pixie dust made a man’s finger grow back. You will remember that this story was nonsense. After all the front page excitement, hidden away at the very end of their article, was a quote from someone who actually knew about this stuff, who said, quite simply, that the papers entire front page story was all cock. Brilliant, strange, and oddly endearing.
The Mail – if they will read it, they will write it…
SAYS Mamoud Ahmadinejad:
If they [the Palestinians] want to keep the Zionists, they can stay … Whatever the people decide, we will respect it. I mean, it’s very much in correspondence with our proposal to allow Palestinian people to decide through free referendums.
Peter Tatchell concludes:
Since most Palestinians are willing to accept a two-state solution, the Iranian president is, in effect, agreeing to Israel’s right to exist and opening the door to a peace deal that Iran will endorse.
And then once there aer two states he can blow up one of them…
CLIVE Davis says so long to the New York Sun:
The New York Sun, conservative rival to the Old Gray Lady, is closing down after six years of trying to beat the odds. Urging Dick Cheney to run for president was little short of unhinged, and the coverage of Europe often had a whiff of Islamophobia about it, but the paper did publish some quality pieces too.
A newspaper dies, and in small room in London a web publisher smiles…
IN Italy, a woman who worked as a part-time judge as well as a lawyer was “substituted by her identical twin sister in court so she would not lose out on legal fees when she had two simultaneous engagements.”
The 54-year-old twins from northern Italy have now been charged with fraud and will go on trial in January, Italy’s leading newspaper, Corriere della Sera, reported Friday on its website.
One of the twins, identified only as Gabriella, worked primarily as a lawyer but also as an honorary judge, a part-time, paid position that entails helping full-time judges when their case load is heavy.
When Gabriella was called to be a substitute judge she sent her sister twin Patrizia to stand in for her at an existing engagement as a defense lawyer elsewhere in the Milan area.
The problem was that sister Patrizia was not a lawyer like sister Gabriella but charged the clients anyway.
Which of them did the better job is unsaid…
THE Call Centre has done more to damage Anglo-Indian relations than last night’s vindaloo:
A 23-year-old man, barely out of college, has been recovering from a heart attack in a hospital. The doctor’s diagnosis: modern lifestyle – stress and odd hours of work.
He works at a call centre in Mumbai
Global economic crisis, possible fiscal bailout repercussions, Venezuela to build nuclear technology with Russia, largest bank collapse in US history, melamine now found in chocolate, world faces pandemic of antibiotic resistance, processed food and high fructose corn syrupworld obesity crisis, collapse of the honey bee, rising food prices, Sarah Palin, dyingpolluted oceans, genetically modified food, job losses, foreclosed homes, amphibian decline, Hurricane Ike devastation, pharmaceuticals in our water supply, and I could keep going on and on. However, the bright spot nestled within these world problems is the uplifting Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt slide show that sat on Yahoo’s front page all weekend.
Such a welcome distraction – don’t you feel better now?
NADINE Dorries, the Christian fundamentalist in white, is on the hunt for a blogger. Run, Recess Monkey, Run:
Apart from the other 100 people in the room. Nadine Dorries is going to stop blogging. She said earlier that if she meets a nameless other blogger – /present in Brum today/, as I breeze shot with him – ‘he will father no children, I tell you’.
Nadine is the woman in white…
“Off the record, every suspicion you have about MSM being in the tank for O is true. We have a team of 4 people going thru dumpsters in Alaska and 4 in arizona. Not a single one looking into Acorn, Ayers or Freddiemae. Editor refuses to publish anything that would jeopardize election for O, and betting you dollars to donuts same is true at NYT, others. People cheer when CNN or NBC run another Palin-mocking but raising any reasonable inquiry into obama is derided or flat out ignored. The fix is in, and its working.” I asked permission to reprint without attribution and it was granted.
The Anchoress is praying:
I suppose this is why print media and the press in general don’t care about their tumbling revenues; when The Pelosi gets the regulated internet and restricted Congress that she wants, and Obama gets his thugs and his Justice Department monitoring, intimidating and shutting down alternative media (and the dissenting voices we’ve been told are “patriotic” when a Republican is in the White House) the incestuous mainstream press will go back to being the only game in town. Pravda West.
The BBC is the worst…
But Palin is new – what do we know about her?
With one in four of us working for the State, the Government has lots of data to lose.
The one hope is that whoever finds your child benefits history will be unable to make it tally with information they already have on your driving record, your time in prison, your work for national defence and more.
(Image: Beau Bo D’Or)
Today’s data disaster is that an MI6 agent left secrets about Al-Qaeda on the digital camera he sold on eBay.
Judging from the way the banks are still refusing to lend to each other, they have more concern about what the banks are really holding than even the most pessimistic outsiders…- Chenier
NO Horseshit in Tyneside pub:
A Tyneside pub has called time on one of its regular visitors after the premises were refurbished.
Peggy, a 12-year-old mare, used to enjoy a pint of beer and a packet of crisps alongside her owner at the Alexandra Hotel in Jarrow.
However, she is no longer allowed to prop up the bar following a refit which included new carpets.
And a limit on the all-you-can-eat salad…
GARY Glitter has been banned from travelling to France and Spain.
A spokesman for HM Court Service says:
“On Thursday at Ashford Magistrates Court, in Kent, police applied for and were successful in an application to prevent Foreign Travel to France and Spain until 25 March 2009 by Mr Paul Gadd. Paul Gadd did not attend in person but was represented by Corker Binning Solicitors.”
Gary Glitter walks the land. He wears boots to see in your windows…