We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
GAYS in Iran? No such thing…
Homosexuals deserve to be executed or tortured and possibly both, an Iranian leader told British MPs during a private meeting at a peace conference, The Times has learnt.
Mohsen Yahyavi is the highest-ranked politician to admit that Iran believes in the death penalty for homosexuality after a spate of reports that gay youths were being hanged…
“He said that if homosexual activity is in private there is no problem, but those in overt activity should be executed [he initially said tortured but changed it to executed]. He argued that homosexuality is against human nature and that humans are here to reproduce. Homosexuals do not reproduce.”
Nicole Pichet, a researcher who also took notes of the gathering, told The Times that the discussion began with British MPs discussing the underage gay hangings. Mr Yahyavi responded by saying homosexuality was to blame for a lot of diseases such as Aids.
Father Christmas, aka Santa Claus, aka Mustafa Hussein Jamal, only arrives in the UK once every year. And it is hoped that this year, as every other, he will leave as quickly as he arrives, not stopping to take passion of any vacant houses whose chimney he squeezes his obsess frame down, nor spreading TB.
Immigration, however, remains a hot issue. And the Express says Immigration officials picked up £2million in bonuses for season 2005-06. Says Matthew Elliot, of the Taxpayers’ Alliance: “Bonuses are meant to be an incentive to succeed, not a reward for failure.”
Some taxpayers not in the alliance may beg to differ, noting how the money might be handed over with the words, “There’s more of that to come if you pull your socks up.”
“Do immigration bosses deserve a £2million bonus?” asks the Express of its readers, the paper uncertain “Da?” Or “Nyet?”
“You vote to stop this lot coming,” says the Star, words hanging above a cloud of swarthy foreigners stood by a tree. The paper has not already seen the results of its sister paper’s poll – this isn’t an Ant’ Dec who – just the YouGov survey conducted by Migration Watch.
Four in five of those who responded to the survey think “do not believe those coming into the country have helped the economy.”
The immigration officials and their pockets of cash would surely disagree…
ROSS Kemp is a hard man. He spends his life with other hard men, notably in EastEnders, Ultimate Force and Gangs. When it comes to hard men, Ross is like a magnet. He attracts them. And they attract him.
The Star sees Kemp with some hard men in Afghanistan. “Bullets were flying inches over our heads,” says Kemp, who survived. “…Afterwards, I had this huge damp patch on my trousers.”
We are not here to judge. Show don’t tell. The Army accepts all sorts, so too the acting troop. If that’s what being with hard men does to Ross Kemp, then so be it. We fight for equality,…
CHRISTOPHER Hitchens on Norman Mailer:
Pint-size Jewish fireplug that he was, Mailer also continually ran a great risk that very few are willing to run. I mean the danger of simply seeming ridiculous. He once nearly lost an eye in a bar fight, because he thought someone had implied that there was something homosexual, not about him, but about his dog! (“Nobody calls my dog a faggot.”) He got whimpering drunk and made a complete idiot of himself on The Dick Cavett Show with Gore Vidal and Janet Flanner, and then reprinted the whole transcripted humiliation as part of an article. On that occasion, and on many, many others, beginning with An American Dream, he manifested an obsession with sodomy that was something a bit more (and perhaps even a bit less) than macho. I once made the mistake of asking him about this on a television show with Germaine Greer: Why was he so fixated on penetratio per anum and its occasions, male-on-male as well as male-on-female? Seizing my copy of his terrible novel Tough Guys Don’t Dance, he scrawled an inscription that vowed revenge, and later gave an interview in which he said that the book had been ill-received in London because of a coterie of queer reviewers organized by me, Martin Amis, and Ian Hamilton. (Amis and I contemplated writing a hurt response, saying that this was very unfair to Hamilton.) But all this bravado and bullshit and delinquency, including the near-fatal stabbing of one of his wives, only seemed to increase the number of people—including the stabbed wife herself—who found fresh ways of forgiving him. Even Vidal, not a professional forgiver, was once gruffly affectionate about him in my hearing. A slightly schmaltzy way of phrasing this would be to say that Norman Mailer was always somehow life-affirming, and that his justly famous cocky grin was something that even his enemies had to envy.
Writers. They change things…
IN Iran there is much banstabation:
Iranian police have unveiled a list of “vices” — including makeup, un-Islamic dress and decadent movies — being targeted in an ongoing moral crackdown, a conservative newspaper reported on Monday… The list was published in the Jomhuri Eslami newspaper as part of a police drive launched in April which has seen the arrest of “thugs”, raids on underground parties, seizures of satellite dishes, and street checks of improperly dressed individuals.
Wearing boots with short pants, wearing hats or scarves which do not fully cover hair and neck instead of the proper head veil and putting on unusual make-up that contradicts public chastity (is forbidden),” the list said.
“Wearing Western-style clothes and insignias of deviant groups (usually a reference to referring to Satanists or rappers),” was on the list alongside “production and distribution of decadent movies as well as private home-made videos.”
You’ve been framed…
THE Croydonian spots some new words:
Yup, its that time of the year, again. And pretty poor I think the New Oxford American Dictionary’s choice is too: ‘locavore’. Maybe Merriam Webster will come up with a 2007 entry to rival ‘truthiness’.
“The “locavore” movement encourages consumers to buy from farmers’ markets or even to grow or pick their own food, arguing that fresh, local products are more nutritious and taste better. Locavores also shun supermarket offerings as an environmentally friendly measure, since shipping food over long distances often requires more fuel for transportation”.
To adapt Ibsen, “Do not use that foreign word…We have that excellent native [phrase] ‘allotment holders’”.
Other entries of doubtless utility include:
‘Upcycling: the transformation of waste materials into something more useful or valuable’.
‘Previvor: a person who has not been diagnosed with a form of cancer but has survived a genetic predisposition for cancer’. This one is particularly ghastly, taking Latin roots for ‘before’ and ‘live’. The horror… I suppose I am previving death at the moment.
WITH actress Joanna Lumley learning us in ways of farming and animal husbandry, the Sun calls upon impressionist Alistair McGowan to talk about polar bears. It’s part of the Celbroties And Stars Taskforce (CAST).
We’ve all heard about the phrase ‘global warming’ – heard it until we’re green in the face,” says McGowan. McGowan stops just short of calling for a CCTV on every tap, not wanting to trade on Noel Edmonds’ toes.He sticks to what he knows: polar bears. “Look around your home or workplace as you read [we advise waiting until you’ve finished, for fear of losing your place] and look at all the energy you’re wasting,” says McGowan.It is McGowan. Unless he’s doing an impression of a green-face making Al Gorean, a representative of the Centre for Biological Diversity or a scientist from the Alaska Science Centre.
“It’s costing you money, it’s producing greenhouse gases and the cumulative effect of those millions of appliances is starting to melt the ice and kill animals, such as the polar bear, ushering them towards extinction.”
Extinction? “Gone,” says McGowan. “FOR EVER.” Extinct, even.
Of course, less polar bears means less animal-made carbon emissions. Look out for stories of polar bears eating small children and spreading disease.
Their end cannot come soon enough…
DIZZY notes: “Internal split over integration and immigration looms for Brown
According to the Government, in order to ensuring that immigrants to Britian are integrated we need to amongst other things, cut translation service and teach English, introduce lessons on British life, as well as providing guidance for social norms so immigrants can adapt to British life. The Government takes such matters so seriously in relation to community cohesion that they have increased the spending on such projects from £2 million to £50 million.
Meanwhile, the London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, has just finished a consultation called “London Enriched: the Mayor’s draft strategy for refugee integration in London” which makes clear that the Mayor believes integration is “not about adapting to a given norm”. One of Livingstone’s official’s made this clear at a recent meeting of London Council’s saying that as far as the Mayor was concerned there should be no notion that foreign migrants to Britain should adapt to existing norms in the defintion of integration.
It’s well known that these two men despise each other, the question is which one will win? Lord Protector Brown or King Newt Livingstone?
People mix. Things change. Humans adapt…
“GLOBAL WARMING MELTS THE POLAR BEARS’ HOME,” says the Mirror. Three polar bears are on the “patchy now and ice”.
“The joyful shots mask a tragic reality,” says the Mirror, “the glorious animals face total extinction in 50 years.”
Why? “The cause is global warming,” says the Mirror. For shame. Anorak hereby makes a vow to leave our freezer door open – and we urge you to do the same – and thereby cool the world.
The alternative for mankind, and picture editors, is just too dreadful.
That’s machines for you – always mouthing off about how they’re going to do this and do that.
So why is Mr Barber so bothered? Because he works for the British Heart Foundation, and he is supporting a private member’s bill to outlaw cigarette machines.
The threat to the law, as things stand, is that children can purchase their fags from these machines, who are happy to cough up their contents to anyone who feeds their slot, regardless of age.
You don’t have to be as old as Old Mr Anorak to remember the days when newsagents sold “singles” (individual cigarettes) to children whose pocket money didn’t stretch to a packet of ten “Number 6”. Nowadays, however, kids can easily afford a fiver for 20, and the machines are happy to meet this demand.
No doubt the parliamentary bill will be passed easily, and the vending machines will be removed from playgrounds and classrooms. And then the kids can start doing what everyone does when they give up the fags: pile on the pounds and increase their risk of heart disease.
And then where will we be, Mr Barber?
And he confides in the Star: “I try to stay as far away from the police as possible now because of all the trouble I get. I used to have a beard and wore a scarf which made me look Arabic. After the London bombings, I was stopped and searched several times on the Tube.” Samuel is clear front runner for the part.
But with Noel Edmonds thought to be interested in the role, and the show’s Amos due a come back, nothing is guaranteed…
Stop Press: The Mirror says Amos, also known as Ronald Magill, is dead. He leaves £1,381,029, a green Ford Galaxy and a beard. Omar Bakri is being notified.
DIZZY notes: “Internal split over integration and immigration looms for Brown.”
According to the Government, in order to ensuring that immigrants to Britian are integrated we need to amongst other things, cut translation service and teach english, introduce lessons on British life, as well as providing guidance for social norms so immigrants can adapt to British life. The Government takes such matters so seriously in relation to community cohesion that they have increased the spending on such projects from £2 million to £50 million.
Meanwhile, the London Mayor, Ken Livingstone, has just finished a consultation called “London Enriched: the Mayor’s draft strategy for refugee integration in London” which makes clear that the Mayor believes integration is “not about adapting to a given norm”. One of Livingstone’s official’s made this clear at a recent meeting of London Council’s saying that as far as the Mayor was concerned there should be no notion that foreign migrants to Brtain should adapt to existing norms in the defintion of integration.
It’s well known that these two men despise each other, the question is which one will win? Lord Protector Brown or King Newt Livingstone?
THE Islamic car from Proton… What will it be called?
The Malaysian carmaker Proton has announced plans to develop an “Islamic car”, designed for Muslim motorists.
Proton is planning on teaming up with manufacturers in Iran and Turkey to create the unique vehicle.
The car could boast special features like a compass pointing to Mecca and a dedicated space to keep a copy of the Koran and a headscarf.
To help you, here are some famous car names:
Chrysler Imperial LeBaron
Daihatsu Rugged Field Sports Resin Top
De Soto Firesweep
Honda Life Dunk
Invicta Black Prince Wentworth
Isuzu Big Horn
Isuzu Giga 20 Light Dump
Mazda Proceed Marvie Will Breeze
Mitsubishi Delica Space Gear and Pistachio
Mitsubishi Canter Guts
Mitsubishi Mum 500 Shall We Join Us?
Nissan Big Thumb Harmonised Truck
Nissan Fairlady Z and Prairie Joy
Nissan Leopard J Ferie
Rickman Space Ranger
Sambar Dias Astonish
Suzuki Alto Afternoon Tea
Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo
Toyota Deliboy and Toyopet
Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy
Yamaha Pantryboy Supreme
And the British Leyland…
MADELEINE McCann: News from Portugal:
The lawyer from one of the persons that wants to change his testimony criticizes the lobby around the parents of Madeleine – story published today in “El Mundo”.
“My client must keep secret what he can do help the search for the truth and this is not due to the law secrecy in Portugal. That is is quite revealing of the strange circumstances around this case”, says the lawyer of one of the two McCann friends that were at Tapas Bar, on the night of May 3, and decided to have a close cooperation with Police, as “El Mundo” published, last Tuesday. “He is not afraid of the McCann but the economic and political lobby that exists, around that couple, frightens any person.” (…)
As told by Paulo Reis
SAYS Mitt Romney: “I’m happy to answer any questions people have about my faith and do so pretty regularly,” the former Massachusetts governor said. “Is there going to be a special speech? Perhaps, at some point. I sort of like the idea myself. The political advisers tell me no, no, no — it’s not a good idea. It draws too much attention to that issue alone.”
Why would a man’s religion be an issue in the Land of the Free?
WHAT is privacy? In America privacy and its meaning is the subject of much debate. America loves talking about words. As Bill Clinton once put it “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is”. America can debate the meaning of words:
WASHINGTON – A top intelligence official says it is time people in the United States changed their definition of privacy.
Privacy no longer can mean anonymity, says Donald Kerr, a deputy director of national intelligence. Instead, it should mean that government and businesses properly safeguards people’s private communications and financial information.
Kerr’s comments come as Congress is taking a second look at the Foreign Surveillance Intelligence Act.
Lawmakers hastily changed the 1978 law last summer to allow the government to eavesdrop inside the United States without court permission, so long as one end of the conversation was reasonably believed to be located outside the U.S.
Of course, it depends what you mean by eavesdropping…
Who is Rage Boy? “Over the past few months he has become as much of a hate figure as Bin Laden,” says the Mail. Let’s hope he’s easier to find…
“Journalist Christopher Hitchens calls him a ‘religious nut bag’ full of ‘yells and gibberings’, and says that he refuses to live his own life ‘at the pleasure of Rage Boy’.”
Rage Boy is a protest groupie. If he were British, he’d spend his days watching the London Marathon live! and stood outside the High Court holding a placard declaring ‘Princess Diana Was Offed’.
With no Diana, and little reason for the locals to dress as rhinos and jog for charity, Rage Boy has been photographed at a demonstration in Srinagar, capital of Indian-administered Kashmir, and spotted “waving his fist at another camera during a protest against the awarding of a knighthood to author Salman Rushdie”.
The Mail looks to the blogs and on Jihad Watch notes The Goobs opining: “Can you IMAGINE how nasty it would smell standing next to this nutter? Whatcha wanna bet he hasn’t ever owned a can of Right Guard?”
Armed with a nose clip, the Mail’s intrepid poster-boy hunter journeys to ”a simple, traditional three-storey Kashmiri house”. And there “standing in an empty room, dressed in a salwar kameez and zip-up cardigan, with crooked teeth and a quizzical look on his face, was Islamic Rage Boy”.
He’s Shakeel Ahmad Bhat is a 29-year-old failed militant. “Over two days, sitting cross-legged at the home he shares with his mother and smiling shyly much of the time, Shakeel told me, through an interpreter, his life story and why he had come to wave his fists at the cameras.”
Two days sitting with his legs crossed? Who knew the enemy was so patient?
Anorak has been looking out for the new gurning face of British Islam ever since Abu Hamza and Omar Bakri left the tabloids. Can Rage Boy be the one? He has the beard and the wild eyes…
“Shakeel was not a very good militant,” notes the Mail. “When I asked him how many people he had killed, he looked embarrassed.” Says Shakeel: “I gave scares but I never killed anyone. I couldn’t. I never hurled a grenade in a public place.” The new Bakri?
“In a moment that might have come straight out of the Borat film, he answered in a soft, serious voice: ‘I have been told that if I can convince a non-Muslim woman to marry me – but not convert her by force – then there will be a place for me in heaven. I suggested there might be some suitable candidates in Britain. ‘If the offer comes,’ Shakeel said, ‘I am ready to accept it.’”
Jihad-date.com? The Mail cares. And the sooner we get Shakeel over here the better. If Islam is to scare us, it needs a scary face. “Boo!” says Rage Boy. “Behind you!” we scream back on cue…
BRITISH MUSLIMS in trouble? Well, when this guy’s speaking on your behalf…very possibly:
Source LGF: “Asghar Bukhari of Britain’s whacked-out MPACUK Muslim advocacy and Holocaust denial group explains that British Muslims are living in a virtual police state, and Britain had better wake up and start treating them better or else. (I’m paraphrasing.)”
Gore Vidal, with whom he frequently wrangled, once wrote: “Mailer is forever shouting at us that he is about to tell us something we must know or has just told us something revelatory and we failed to hear him or that he will, God grant his poor abused brain and body just one more chance, get through to us so that we will know. Each time he speaks he must become more bold, more loud, put on brighter motley and shake more foolish bells. Yet of all my contemporaries I retain the greatest affection for Norman as a force and as an artist. He is a man whose faults, though many, add to rather than subtract from the sum of his natural achievements.”
IN America, as reported by Fox News: “Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton’s campaign admitted Friday that it planted a global warming question in Newton, Iowa, Tuesday during a town hall meeting to discuss clean energy.
“Clinton campaign spokesman Mo Elliethee admitted that the campaign had planted the question and said it would not happen again.
“On this occasion a member of our staff did discuss a possible question about Senator Clinton’s energy plan at a forum,” Elliethee said.
The question went:
Question: “As a young person, I’m worried about the long-term effects of global warming How does your plan combat climate change?
Clinton: “Well, you should be worried. You know, I find as I travel around Iowa that it’s usually young people that ask me about global warming.”
A “plan”? Surely plant..?
A document was found during the arrest of Salvatore Lo Piccolo, the alleged boss of the Sicilian Mafia.It was the Mafia’s Ten Commandments:
The Mafia’s “Ten Commandments”
1. No-one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it.
2. Never look at the wives of friends.
3. Never be seen with cops.
4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs.
5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty – even if your wife’s about to give birth.
6. Appointments must absolutely be respected.
7. Wives must be treated with respect.
8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth.
9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families.
10. People who can’t be part of Cosa Nostra: anyone who has a close relative in the police, anyone with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values.
Thanks to Ken Livingstone, this is how we all get around when in London:
KARL was Rove was Deputy Chief of Staff to President George W. Bush. He’s been talking about the new media.
As reported on Tech President, Rove says:
Blogs give angry people an undeserved voice: “People on the fringe are no longer voiceless,” noted Rove. Blogs have the unintended effect of giving “angry kooks” an “inexpensive soapbox” and a sense of “pseudo-anonymity” that “brings forth the worst angels of our nature.” He trashed DailyKos and the liberal blogosphere for using more “dirty words” than conservative blogs like Townhall and RedState. “The Netroots, he said, “argue from anger rather than reason.” Many, he believes, blog for “personal release” and not “political persuasion.” He argued that the Netroots have been largely ineffective and said MoveOn.org’s inability to end the war proves his point.
The 24-hour news cycle “may not be good for the system”: “Being right,” he said, “has given way to being faster.” “Speed matters, but speed kills.”
The internet has made running for president “like the Emperor’s new clothes”: “Every word, public utterance, and public appearance can be captured and put on the web. “If you don’t believe me, just ask Senator James Webb or former Senator George Allen.”
The internet lacks proportion: Sites like The Drudge Report skew perceptions and public opinion and make mountains out of molehills.
You find what you like and stick with it. New media – just like the old media…
THE Croydonian notes: “Romanian near-fascists to Alessandra Mussolini: We can be rude about our gypsies, but you mustn’t.”
A tale from Der Spiegel, which in the words of an SNP MEP, ‘warms the heart’:
The less than loveable Identity, Tradition, Sovereignty ragbag group in Brussels has had quite the falling out over recent events in Italy, “the murder of an Italian woman…which police suspect was perpetrated by a Romanian immigrant from the Roma community”.
Alessandra Mussolini commented “Breaking the law became a way of life for Romanians”, and the Partidul România Mare or Greater Romania Party does not like that interpretation at all: “The unconsciousness of this lady who makes easily generalizations, leaving us to understand that all the Romanians are living like delinquents and are making dreadful crimes — remind us of her grandfather, the fascist dictator Benito Mussolini”. And this comes from Corneliu Vadim Tudor (no relation) the non-MEP leader of the GRP. The GRP wants La Mussolini expelled from ITS.
Righty-ho. The GRP has designs on Moldova, the Vojvodina, bit of Ukraine and other places where Romanians are to be found other than Romania itself, and its publications “include articles that denied the Holocaust in Romania and took deliberately antagonistic positions toward Romanian Roma, ethnic Hungarians, and other minority groups”. So, a nice bunch all round.
The ideological ancestors of both made common cause in the Axis, of course.
Source: The Croydonian
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan (AP) – President Gen. Pervez Musharraf placed opposition leader Benazir Bhutto under house arrest for a single day Friday—surrounding her villa with barbed wire—and rounded up thousands of her supporters to block a mass rally against his emergency rule.
The crackdown dimmed hopes the two pro-U.S. leaders could ever form an alliance. A top American official voiced fears it would obstruct the fight against Islamic extremism—a threat underlined by a suicide bombing in northwest Pakistan that targeted a Cabinet minister, who escaped unharmed.
The U.S. called for the restrictions to be lifted. Hours later, the acting deputy commissioner for Islamabad, Aamir Ali Ahmed, said that they had ended, but her villa remained surrounded by police.