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MUSICIANS are adorable aren’t they? They’re never too bright and they get silly ideas and see them through without thinking about it. Look at Johnny Borrell’s entire career. Look at Thom Yorke thinking he’s a clever man. It’s sweet.
Anyway, rapper Watsky has had to apologise for being ‘stupid and wildly irresponsible’ after leaping from a lighting rig and injuring two people during a London gig.
Performing at the Vans Warped Tour at Alexandra Palace, he decided to climb up the light rigging and leap from 30ft in the air into the crowd.
SUB EDITORS. When putting headlines together take care.
YOU may or may not be aware, Noel Edmonds is making his way to the pop charts with an unlikely appearance in a dance track (warning, it is rather abrasive).
You can hear it below. Of course, he’s not the first radio DJ to have a stab at the charts, so with that, let us look at some of the weird and wonderful moments in pop music when radio jockeys ended up in the beast they presided over.
Candice Cannes’ Are You Ready features Noel Edmonds in his Deal Or No Deal guise while a woman mutters nonsense in a seductive voice.
TO Denver, Colorado, where the city’s police Nasal Ranger is investigating the smell of marijuana. The Denver Post reports:
“Ben Siller looked ridiculous on a recent afternoon, standing on a downtown Denver street corner with a giant device clamped to his face sniffing the air for odorous evidence of marijuana.”
Yep. He does. But one day, when marijuana is legal everywhere, Mr Siller could be a ‘nose’, just like those wine buffs who can identify a blend of grapes with a sniff, a swirl, a gurgle and a spit. One sniff, and Mr Siller will be able to tell consumers just what’s in the blend. WAft a sample under Nasal Ranger et voila!, you need never buy oregano and henna again.
Amber Frost has facts about Colorado smells:
In a city of around 634,000 people, there were 98 smell complaints in 2010, seven involved weed. In 2012, there were 288 complaints, with sixteen having to do with marihuana. While that’s an increase overall, complaints about pot actually decreasedby about 1.5%, and this was all prior to the legalization of pot for recreational use. In 2013 (up until September 20th), they recorded 85 complaints, eleven of which were attributed to marijuana, a slight increase since 2010, but the city isn’t exactly being hot-boxed.
How does Nasal Ranger work? Because any weed hounds needs one to find the good stuff:
THE Beatles At The BBC.
London calling all “Beatle People”
TWO decades ago, the Great Beatles Revival began with the release of the double CD album Live at the BBC. Like their regular albums, it duly hit number one on both sides of the Atlantic, and shifted no fewer than five million copies in the couple of months. Now the original set has been remastered and reissued simultaneously with a further collection: On Air – Live at the BBC Volume 2.
Both sets consist of radio interviews and performances from the mid-Sixties, and together they provide a fascinating picture of the biggest band of all time – at a time when such a concept was meaningless. This is an evocative and fascinating reminder of an era in which the Beatles were making their own rules, and bursting exponentially from the cosy confines of post-war light entertainment like a small child outgrowing successive pairs of shoes.
CAN we agree whose side we are on in this story from Beacon Hill, Highclere, in Hampshire?
Around midnight last Saturday, police rocked up to a rave.
Some of the revellers threw things at Hampshire and Thames Valley Police’s finest. A Hampshire Constabulary spokesman tells us: ”Officers were subjected to violence, including missiles thrown at them, which resulted in six officers sustaining non-serious injuries. It is believed between about 80 and 100 people attended the illegal event. We will continue to take every measure possible to prevent any such illegal music events from happening… in the future.”
Music events should all be legal and policed and licensed. Say no to spontaneity. Like Glastonbury, music should be policed and made reassuringly expensive to keep the riff-raff out.
STOCKWELL Road isn’t the most exciting and handsome of roads. It may have been once, but the Luftwaffe and the usual unimaginative sixties south London redevelopment put paid to that. It’s got a skateboard park, if that’s your thing, and David Bowie was born in a road just off it, but even he moved to Bromley when he was six. And that’s about it, to most people in the area it’s just a road that joins up Stockwell and Brixton.
It was a party for Treaty Days, when the couple began to row. Cook stabbed Hudson twice in the arm. Both had been drinking and Hudson shook off his small injuries – neither wound was longer than 3mm. After a period he wandered up the road to a nearby relative’s home to get a lift to the doctors. And that was when it happened. Hudson collapsed. One of the knife wounds had clipped an artery. The court hears that his fall was “likely due to the loss of blood”.
Google Concedes Defeat To Daily Mail On War Over Sexualised Kids: ‘We Can’t Compete’ Say Online Giant
THE Daily Mail is celebrating a win in its crusade to ban all other organs from publishing racy photos and filthy words on children.
THEY’RE not yet sending in the UN to sort the UK’s undemocratic strangling of the Press and free speech but Vincent Peyrègne, CEO of WAN-IFRA, the global organisation of the world’s newspapers and news publishers, is part of a delegation heading here in January:
“A press freedom mission to the United Kingdom is unprecedented and we cannot underestimate our concern for what is happening. It is rather difficult for the United Kingdom to lecture Sri Lanka and others about their press freedom record, when its own actions result in such widespread international condemnation.”
YOU’VE come a long way baby: Elina Desaine, 20, is “Britain’s horniest student”. The third year Exeter University computer science scholar won £500, a crate of alcohol and a year’s supply of condoms. The Mail and Metro tell us that she has had sex with “up to three men a week”.
The news of woman who actually has sex and enjoys it reached New York:
Miss Desaine reveals her plan for budding shaggers: “I try to keep a list of all my conquests so I don’t forget but sometimes I have to put descriptions or question marks instead of names… I hope employers see it as a bit of fun and it shows I am more confident than the average girl.”
It turns out that Miss Desaine is being used to promote ShagatUni, a website. It tells us:
AFTER our month long search across the UK we uncovered hundreds of sex-mad students who were desperate to be crowned Shag at Uni’s newly created title. But today we are pleased to announce that Elina Desaine, 20, from Exeter University is officially the UK’s Horniest Student. She beat off…
She says in her pitch:
I should be the UK’s horniest student because I have sex with at least 2 / 3 different people a week. Sometimes i go clubbing, have sex with someone, and then go back to the club to pick up my second victim. Feeling horny right now, so might just text someone on my ‘shag list’ and do it in the computer room (I’ve done this before, was great!) With your help of Alcohol, I will be able to become an even Hornier Student!
Tom Thurlow, creator of the student dating site commented, “As soon as I saw Elina’s entry I knew we had a particularly wild girl on our hands. I love the fact she uses her position in the computer science club to have sex in the computer room. She even told me how the computer science club is perfect because it’s full of guys! After meeting with Elina personally I am 100% confident I have found the horniest student in the country.”
STOP PRESS: The Horniest Student Is the UK is not a man but a woman in a bikini!
How many people has she shagged in her three years at Uni at the headline-making 2/3 a week?
Elina claims to have slept with 16 different guys whilst at university…
Not quite three a week is it. More that just over 5 a year.
In other news:
Such are the facts.
DOES sugar make your children hyper? No:
The BBC agreed:
The theory that too much sugar makes children hyperactive doesn’t stand up to the tests – it may be that the environment your child is in is the defining factor in how boisterous their mood is. This doesn’t mean sugar get’s off lightly though. It may not lead to hyperactivity but it does make your blood sugar drop which could make your children irritable and distracted.
Or as the wife of The Education Minister says in her column (you can keep the writing gig Sarah Vine as long as Gove keeps his job):
IN 1966 Pete Townshend wrote about the Dipso Asbo Fatso British public. He called it Fat Lazy People.
The song was recorded by the Barron Knights, a group famous for spoof songs, such as this Santa-Floyd mash-up
Photo: Easter kiss for Duke D’Mond from his wife Pauline Palmer, at Heathrow Airport saying goodbye to him and his fellow Barron Knights, left to right; Barron Anthony, Dave Ballinger, P’Nut Langford and Buth Baker at the start of a six week tour. Date: 27/03/1970
And there was this, a Taste Of Aggro (with apologies to The Smurfs.)
Before that, The Knights were a proper band whose claim to fame was being the only outfit to tour with both the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
They could, after all, do passable impressions of all the greats:
Here’s the song:
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
And because they are all the same..
They laugh and exclaim
“The young are so funny”
They burn in the sun, the sun
And though painfully pink, when it rains
They always complain
“We all paid our money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people
Are a terrible sight to see.
And the lazy fat people will
Get the better of you and me…….
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
Their children diet till thin
To leave more for them
“To save us some money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people will
Try to sit on you and me
If we dont watch out theyll
Get the better of you and me.
How to tell the young from the
Lazy fat is easy to do…..
Take it away, Pete:
UPDATE: A husband and wife tell NBC 4 New York they did leave a tip. They say they have a credit card statement as proof. The tip was a generous $18. The wife says: ”We’ve never not left a tip when someone gave good service, and we would never leave a note like that.”
Morales adds: “I don’t know, all I know is what I’ve been saying.”
Morales had recently announced that people were sending her tips from all over the world, and was donating some of the money to the Wounded Warrior Project. ”I just felt like people have a right to know that — it’s fine if people want to donate to her or to the Wounded Warriors, but they’re doing it under a false pretense,” the wife said.
This is the original story:
WE all know that idiots get weird around gay people. Presumably their brains get tied in knots because they constantly and vividly imagine all that sex they do. They get a clear image in their minds about glistening gay naked bodies all writhing around. That’s because, absolutely 100% across the board, bigots are all a bit pervy.
And so to a waitress in New Jersey who had her £10 tip withheld and was left a crappy note by a bigoted customer, allegedly. She says she was denied her tip because she is a gay woman. She told the internet and now, she’s been inundated with more than £1,000 in donations from around the world.
IN times of austerity, things get tough for people… and no-one suffers more than the middle classes. Stores throughout Britain are reporting a new type of problem – middle class theft – with items like gammon, parmesan, nice coffee and perfume being swiped.
Russell Holland, of security firm Checkpoint Systems, which sponsored the study, said: “We know that due to the recession people are stealing out of need for food. But you also have a Middle England group of people who have not had a bonus or pay rise but still want to maintain their lifestyle.”
Further pain for the middle-classes is afoot too, with reports of a worldwide goat’s cheese shortage, not to mention a wine shortage too. If this carries on, we’re all set for the politest rioting in the history of mankind.
One Tesco store in Cambridge has had to put manuka honey (£20 a jar) into plastic security boxes and Marks & Spencer now puts tags on turkey crowns.
Also getting robbed are lipsticks, perfume, hair straighteners, electric toothbrushes and power tools. The upwardly mobile have gone more mad than ten spring breaks.
The report, compiled by analysts Euromonitor for Checkpoint Systems, said: “A key observation from the grocery retailers interviewed was an increase in food theft – including items such as fresh meat – owing to the weak economy.”
Time to invest in a hummus safe house and get some laser beams around your tagines.
The Daily Mail’s Moral Crusade Against Online Smut (starring James Deen And Curvy ‘All Grown Up’ Kids)
THE Daily Mail continues its war on filth by creating an article about James Deen.
This is how it was illustrated:
Terrible. It’s not like you could accidentally watch it, though. It’s not like Mail’s readers would stumble upon such sick stuff. Not unless the Mail told them where to go – which it does:
Bit odd, no? How does that fit with the Mail’s anti-grot campaign?
What to do?
Dunno? But the Mail should be worried.
You might wonder if the Mail is fighting for it or against flesh?
And, then, this advert appeared on the Mail’s sister site, The Metro:
Does the Mail want to ban pron or just run it as a monopoly?
JUSTIN Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has said that people are making themselves “miserable” at Christmas and potentially damaging their relationships because of their penchant for buying expensive presents and leaving themselves skint.
The pressure of flashing it around apparently means that people are potentially putting the relationships of loved ones at risk FOREVER.
ACCORDING to the brother of comedy legend, Andy Kaufman, the star faked his own death in 1984 and is still alive. Appearing at an award show named in Andy’s honour, Michael Kaufman said he had received a letter from his brother, confirming he was alive, in 1999.
He then introduced a woman who claimed to be Andy’s 24-year-old daughter.
Of course, bizarre things like this, farcical situations, uncomfortable silences, half truths and all that fun stuff, followed Andy Kaufman wherever he went. This is likely to be another case.
Cellular Solutions: The Hove Company Where Middle-Aged White Males Manage Lots Of Young White Females
CELLULAR Solutions is an equal opportunities employer. Young, attractive women are not prejudiced against when it comes to picking staff to work at the company’s offices in Hove, East Sussex. And white males can be leaders:
Of course, all staff were picked on merit. It just looks odd.
Baby P’s Mum Tracey Connelly Is Free: But Why Did The Sun And David Cameron Let Police Evade Justice?
PETER Connelly’s mother is free from prison. Tracey Connelly is pout of prison six years after the death of her 17-month-old son. The Sun calls her a “beat”. It says he is “evil”. She is the “monster mum”.
Tracey Connelly is said to have had “barely a care in the world as she popped out shopping from her bail hostel”.
She went to a supermarket. The Sun adds the peculiar fact: “She walked into town and nipped into supermarket Aldi, passing Christmas ad posters outside.”
FOOTBALL does wonderfully peculiar things to people. Human adults wear suits to play finals of matches on computer games while others will name their children after entire teams from the 70s.
Yes, we’re looking at you Charlie Oatway of Sunderland FC, or to give him his full name, Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway (he’s named after the entire promotion-winning QPR team of 1973).
More recently, there’s an Arsenal fan who has come a cropper thanks to his football fanaticism and he learned that you shouldn’t ever bet your house on anything.
Henry Dhabasani put a wager on, involving his two-room property on the Arsenal beating Manchester United at Old Trafford. Rashid Yiga was more than happy to see the bet and they both settled down to the grudge game on Sunday.
Dhabasani gambled his house while Yiga offered up his new Toyota Premio AND his wife. The two signed their bet in front of local leaders and other football fans in Iganga.
Manchester United won the game 1-0 and Dhabasani promptly fainted on the final whistle. Reports say that, the next day, several United fans stormed the place where Henry lived with his three wives and five children and chucked them out onto the street.
THE UK Border Force has been showing off the goods its seized at Queens Warehouse, London. One item was an owl.
Why would you import a dead owl?