The Witches Of Weatherfield

‘HEALTH and safety matters were highlighted on the Street this week. Both Jack and Dev are in the middle health scares and Steve McDonald has started fearing for his safety now that mum Liz is back, determined to reunite him …

The Heavy Brigade

‘HOLLYWOOD can be broadly divided into two camps. There is the thin camp, a composite blend of the thin, the really thin and the painfully thin.

The biggest star of them all

And then there is the other camp, the …

Princess And The Pea

‘PREGNANT women in Hollywood remind us of the fable of the princess and the pea.

‘I’ll have one of those and one of those’

While Maureen Scag from Skegness can feel no pea when she goes to bed, no life …

Womb At The Top

‘HOLLYWOOD is full of women with interesting wombs.

‘And now we go live to Jennifer Aniston’s uterus’

Take Jennifer Aniston who, according to the National Enquirer, was not feeling too well before her wedding to Brad Pitt.

So she went …

A Bad Herr Day

‘IF we were Italian, we would now be claiming that Urs Meier had been paid by Uefa to ensure the host nation’s continued presence in Euro 2004.

‘I’m just some kind of crazy guy, no?’

But we’re not – so …

England Have A Meier

‘LOOK OUT!!! Oooeer, that looked painful. David Beckham’s penalty had to leave the Earth’s orbit at some time, it was just unlucky it chose to re-enter the atmosphere as you were holding a scalding hot kettle.

‘It was unfair –

Gun & Punnet

‘WE know strawberries can be a little on the expensive side during the Wimbledon fortnight, but they’re surely not worth going to the lengths that three robbers went to in Germany.

They broke into a pick-your-own fruit farm near Munich …

Happy Talk

‘WHEN the students leave university with their five A-levels, degree in media studies and £20,000 debt, the fun is only just beginning.

‘So much for my media studies degree!’

For the Times has seen a new report into the lives …

Paper Chase

‘IT’S an expensive business being a student these days – on top of all the money spent on beer, drugs and deodorant, they now have to find money for tuition fees…and exam papers.

‘And I got 100% as well!’

The …

Iraq – The Cost

‘IF President Bush and Tony Blair are worried about their approval ratings at home, they should be glad they are not standing for election in Baghdad.

‘So, Paul. How about that as a recipe for disaster?’

According to a report …

The Phantom Menace

‘IT’S happened to the best of us. You dial a number with the intent on pledging money to charity and instead you get through to some depraved chat line.

‘And then the vicar put his hand on my knee…’

You …

Flights Of Fancy

‘LOOK up in the sky. What is it? Is it a bird? Is it David Beckham’s penalty kick? No, it’s Prince Andrew.

‘Anyone know where the 6th tee is?’

We all know how much the prince loves to fly, but …

Bodge It Like Beckham

‘DID the earth move for you last night? It did for David Beckham – and no, since you ask, there was not a lover or wife with him at the time. It moved on its own.

Rebecca Loos gives her

Van-ity Case

‘ARE there no mirrors in the Big Brother house? Has Vanessa ever seen her reflection? Do all her friends outside the house look like Nadia in her pre-op days?

Vamessa The Undresser

For some reason, the woman seems to have …

Red-Faced Boy In Blue

‘DO as I say, not as I do. That was the message from Superintendent Peter West who had to dash home from a talk he was giving on crime prevention…because his house was being burgled.

The Kent cop went to …

Wayne, No Shine

‘IT’S hard not to blow our own kazoo today as the rest of mankind learns what Anorak readers knew yesterday: Wayne Rooney is the new “Wazza”.

England’s No.6

So here goes: Pzzzzzz!

The Express, says that Rooney’s England’s team-mates have …

Golden Ears

‘BY now you are wondering what in the world is going on. Which way is up? Is left where it was last night? Has the world gone mad?

Sven’s expression hasn’t changed throughout the tournament

The answer is that things …

Summer Holiday

‘TV is not simply a superior version of radio.

Get him back on radio – NOW!

For a start, the non-beautiful people can look good on radio. As can Tony Blackburn’s hair. And his T-shirt, which pictured in the Mirror …

TV & Other Perverts

‘THE Mail is disgusted and outraged. And today more so than ever as it lists how ‘BIG BROTHER HAS DESCENDED INTO DEPRAVITY’.

For more depraved pictures, turn to Pages 26, 27, 28, 29, 30

Illustrated by stomach-churning photographs whenever the …

The Dogs Of War

‘IT is inconceivable that Saddam Hussein has been tortured while in captivity – because that is not the American way.

‘Donald, where’s your trousers?’

President George Dubya will tell you so, and insist that he has never, will never and …

Letter From Baghdad

”SORRY I haven’t written for a while,’ the letter goes. ‘I am afraid I have been otherwise detained.

‘This dictating business is enough to turn you grey’

‘Life has changed quite a lot for me since I last wrote. I …

The Choice Is Yours

‘AT the next General Election, voters will be presented with a clear choice – do they want more choice or do they want more choice.

‘Do you want me to take out your appendix or your spleen?’

Parents will be …

Arrivederci, Bad Losers

‘THE Italians used to have something of a reputation as unlucky losers – they exited more competitions on penalty shoot-outs than ever England did.

A crying shame?

But of late they are earning a far worse reputation – as bad …

A Question Of Protocol

‘HOW proud Prince William’s mother would have been of him and the expert way in which he executed the kiss with the Queen!

‘It’s okay, Elton. She’s sitting right next to you!’

Diana was something of an expert at kissing …

No Tongues

‘WHEN James Green is a bit older, he will probably be given a name like James Tollemache and go out with a girl called Lady Eloise Anson or Hon Flora Astor or even Lady Rose Innes-Ker.

Step 4: The lunge