Back Into The Closet

‘TODD’S ‘road to Canal Street’ gay conversion is shaping up nicely – in fact, I predict it will culminate in a ratings-boosting wedding day crisis.

‘Snog boys? No, I just snog old men’

While Sarah was in hospital, potentially miscarrying …

Little Sumo

‘SUMO wrestling came to the BBC this week as Janine and Laura finally settled their differences with a good, old-fashioned East End cat fight.

‘I want that lard sandwich!’

Janine has made it her mission to destroy Laura’s life, as …

Tummy Trouble

‘CONGATULATIONS to Playboy – it is one of the few institutions in America that is actually doing something about the country’s obesity epidemic.

‘I’ll take my knickers off for another doughnut’

News is, courtesy of the Enquirer, that Hugh Heffner …

Simon Says

‘A KISS may be just a kiss, in the words of the song, and a smile may be just a smile, but put the two together and the result is dynamite.

‘You flirt, you!’

The pictures in this week’s Enquirer …

Brad Boy

‘IT’S hard to know who to feel more sorry for, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, when they had to shoot a naked shower scene for their upcoming flick Mr And Mrs Smith.

The co-stars caught naked together

The studio couldn’t …

The Spanish Blues

‘DAVID Beckham is on his way back to the Premiership after his year-long adventure in Madrid.

Day-vid hears about the Chelsea offer

That is according to the Telegraph, which claims to have spoken with members of the Beckham inner circle. …

Where’s The Beef?

‘IT’S been said that you can spot someone who’s on the Atkins Diet by the miasma of rotten air rising around them. You can also spot them because they only east meat – lots and lots of it.

Isabelle Leota, …

Busman’s Holiday

‘ENTERPRISING truck drivers, the various uses of a pint glass, vomit in the street and sitting on our fat arses – these are a few of our favourite things.

Cliff greets an east European woman

They are the elements of …

Progress In Lotion

‘TRUCK drivers stumble across many things in the course of their working lives.

Truck drivers do it with hand cream

Many stumble upon groups of desperate Chinese immigrants among the palettes of pak choi.

Others stumble into Spanish jails when …

Walking Back To Happiness

‘AND so it begins. Our drive to get you to leave the country ahead of tomorrow’s enlargement of the European Union has won some celebrity help.

‘Last one to the Chunnel’s a lemon’

The Star has shots of two Coronation …

Wanna Be In Our Gang?

‘IN the European playground, it’s the size of your gang that counts – and the good news is that Britain’s gang will soon be the biggest of the lot.

Tuscany or bust

Tony Blair tells the Times that the 10 …

Business As Usual

‘PRESIDENT Carter once said that the hardest thing to persuade the American people was that they were not better than everyone else.

Iraqis are made to audition for Scream III

He didn’t have the photograph on the front page of …

President’s Question Time

‘PRESIDENT Bush emerged yesterday from his three-hour grilling by commissioners investigating the 9/11 attacks and announced that he had “enjoyed” the experience.

How?

“They had a lot of good questions,” he said afterwards. “And I’m glad I did it.”

The …

Sugar Daddy

‘IS Channel 4 being run by Alan Sugar, the man who piled it high and sold it cheap?

It’s original – it was originally Queer Eye For A Straight Guy

If not, then the gruff former chairman of Spurs football …

Flesh Gun

‘DUTCH artist Joanneke Meester from Amsterdam has made a gun – from her own skin.

She asked surgeons to slice away a 20 centimetre patch of skin from her stomach which she then used to wrap a plastic gun.

The …

Quinten Hannbags

‘“NOBODY TELLS ME WHERE TO GO,” screams Leeds United’s pugnacious striker Alan Smith from the Sun’s back page.

Hann strokes his glass jaw

The paper says that those were the words Smith blurted out when he heard his club planned …

Bonapartes’ Waterloo

‘IT is an accolade that is not given lightly, but Tim Gray, up until recently the head chef at Bonapartes in the Yorkshire town of Silsden, is this morning rejoicing in the knowledge that he is ‘the biggest twat in …

Cives Romani Sunt Omnes

”EGO tenuis sum, gratia Slimz-U-Like.’ Words that you will hear with increasing frequency when you visit Rome.

‘No, you can’t be a consul’

The Times reports that from next months the Italian authorities are to offer free Latin lessons for …

Creme De La Creme

‘HOW, without using the mother of all airbrushes, do you turn Michelle McManus into Kirsty Gallagher?

Two weeks in the life of Slimz-U-Like

In days gone by, such an operation would have required the following: a tenon saw, two buckets, …

What Lies Beneath

‘AFTER lifting the lid on what the real Britain is like, it now seems only fair to tell all would-be asylum seekers, refugees, economic migrants and boat-people that not all British girls look like Michelle McManus.

Kirsty models the national

Grin And Share It

‘THE Mail’s cunning editorial plot to make out our country is on its knees and so put off foreigners from coming here was ever ambitious.

A typical day in Britain

For years, the men and women at the Mail have …

Desperation, Desperation, Desperation

‘IN this week’s edition of Location, Location, Location, Phil and Kirsty try to find a disused basement for Osman, his wife and their 17 children.

‘To vote for Khalid, phone…’

Osman is keen to be near his work at a …

A Royal Tail

‘ROUNDING up this toff bulletin, Hello! pops along to the christening of Prince Edward’s daughter Lady Louise.

‘He’s got your hair!’

There she is, sitting on her mother’s knee, wrapped in a massive dress that we can only pray is …

When In Rome…

‘LADY Henrietta’s eyebrow is 42-years-old. For many, that would be an age to fear but to others with blue blood coursing through their veins it’s no big deal.

‘Sexiness comes from within’

Take Lady Helen Taylor, who reveals to Hello! …

Raising An Eyebrow

‘BEFORE we go on, let’s just nip those rumours right in the bud. Like you, we’ve seen the picture of Lady Henrietta Palmer’s newborn son Alexander and put two and two together to make Colin Farrell.

Even the eyebrows look