Daughter, Daughter Everywhere

‘AFTER voyeurism of the worst sort, in which Diana continues to speak from the grave (or that flat above Paul Burrell’s florist shop) like a well-manicured ghoul, it’s time to see that else is being caught on camera.

By Royal

Sex, Lies And Videotape

‘THE Queen might be a fan of Kirsty’s Home Videos, but there are some other home movies being broadcast in the States that make for more uncomfortable viewing.

‘It would really turn me on if you pretended to be dead’

Hard To Swallow

‘IT’S not as if Jordan is easy to avoid at the best of times, the giant silicone balloons on her chest make sure of that.

Danielle realised she wasn’t going to get laid tonight

But last night we had a …

Turning Walter Into Whine

‘WITHOUT wishing to cast too may aspersions on the managerial nous of Walter Smith, his promotion to Alex Ferguson’s No. 2 at Old Trafford comes as something of a shock.

Desperate times, desperate measures

The Mirror (“FERGIE’S ROCK”) says that …

The Play’s The Thing

‘IT’S so difficult in these days of audience participation to know what’s part of the play and what’s not – so we can forgive the Czech audience who cheered when a fan jumped on stage during a performance of Marian …

You Saxo Thing

‘EVER since we told you about dogging, the phones have not stopped ringing.

The Dogger’s Delight

Many have made the error of partaking in such illicit sexual depravity while actually in control of a speeding car, forgetting to park up …

Kiss The Bride

‘WHILE the rebranding of Prince Harry moves on apace, taking him far away from Hooray Harry, The Playboy Prince to Charity Work Harry, others plan to be made anew.

The Dwights

And they are David Furnish and Elton John, who …

Prince Of Hearts

‘WE now know what Prince Harry will be like when he grows up.

‘The great thing about black is that it goes with everything’

He will travel the globe, dance with movie stars and sunbathe on the decks of yachts …

Jockney Sparrers

”AWIGHT, squire. Come and ‘ave a butchers at what the old trouble and strife’s done…’

Gateway To Paradise

It’s Thursday, it must be Glasgow. No, not the East End of London nor even Guy Ritchie’s house, but the West End …

Ronald McDonald Downsized

‘YEARS ago, the height of gluttony was to go into McDonalds and order a Big Mac, large fries and perhaps even a thick shake.

‘Crash cart! He’s gone into McCardiac arrest’

No longer – these days, a Big Mac is …

The Bookworm That Turned

‘CHANCES are that if you’re reading this, you’re an accountant, you’re lying in bed and you can’t wait to finish it so that you can get on with the next chapter of The Lord Of The Rings.

‘This is almost

Great Expectations

‘OH MY GOD! It’s Diana. She’s escaped. Release the Burrell hounds!

Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium

Sorry, our mistake. It’s not Diana, but Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium, bringing back memories of Diana as she cares for the world’s impoverished …

Time Bandits

‘WHILE Paul Burrell makes lots of noise, do you know what Prince Edward and his lovely wife Sophie make?

‘You know what they say, ‘Time is money”

Go on, have a guess. Wrong. They do not make films. And wrong. …

The Greatest Love Of All

‘WE have not heard much from Paul Burrell of late, and have been concerned for his welfare.

‘England’s Rose – £6 a dozen!’

So we climbed into our somewhat battered white Fiat Uno and spent many hours scouring both this …

Evans Above!

‘PAUL seems to have developed a bizarre desire to turn himself into the late Barry Evans (right down to the Ratners jewellery).

‘Twenty quid on Pat at 3-1 on’

Not content with sleeping with one of his wives, Paul has …

The Dead Pool

‘GIVEN the condition of Gerard Houllier’s heart, the death threat he received by letter might have its desired effect.

‘I didn’t hear him shout ‘Fore!”

In “HOULL DEATH THREAT”, the Sun says Houllier has been sent a letter in which …

Love Is…

‘ANY bride who was eight months pregnant when she was ditched four days before her wedding by text message from her gutless fiancé would be forgiven for feeling a little sorry for herself and maybe even shedding a tear or …

Blood On The Tracks

‘ANY programme about Jarvis, the firm that, among many things, fiddles about with train tracks, might not begin on time.

‘The train on Platform 4…’

It might overrun, limping home around a month or so late, and there may be …

Hitting A Brum Note

‘YET another reason to visit Birmingham. Not only is it home to Clare Short and the cheapest drugs in Britain, but it is also one of the best places for shopping in the country.

God and Mammon

Of course, the …

A Road By Any Other Name

‘A CHANGE of name can hide a multitude of sins.

Beware! Composting ahead

Would Shirley Crabtree have made it in the rough and tumble world of professional wrestling had he not acquired the soubriquet Big Daddy?

Does ‘My name is …

C Minus

‘THE surest sign that an organisation is in trouble is when it decides to change its name – the institutional equivalent of rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

Same load of old bollocks

If it’s a company, this normally involves …

Sunny Disposition

‘HAVING survived so much, it cannot be easy to shock the Queen.

‘Eddie’s a bender, Eddie’s a bender’

What with her mother’s teeth, Charles and Diana’s affairs and the discovery that her roots are less in England’s shires than the …

And So To Bed

‘AFTER exposing the hidden dangers of car parks yesterday, the Mirror today looks afresh on nursery rhymes.

Jack couldn’t get the hang of the reverse rider position

And it takes a peek at an historian who claims to have found …

Denver Booted And Suited

‘THE Express brushes away its usual hyperbole (‘Looking at gypsies gives you cancer’) and litotes (‘There is no small problem with gypsies giving you cancer’) and gives it to us straight.

Becks models Lambeth Council’s Recycling Department’s new uniform

‘Serves …

Big Ben

‘SOME of Hollywood’s best actors and actresses have come over to London recently to have a spiffing time brushing up on their Dick Van Dyke accents and treading the boards of the West End.

Delicious served with cheese and/or mustard