Coal For (Fat) Cats

‘WHILE drugs get cheaper, we all get richer – or at least all of us who own our own house.

Millionaires’ row

In fact, so rich are we all that millionaires will be ten a penny in a few years …

Booze & Cheers

‘REVENGE, as Clare Short knows, may be a dish best served cold, but what do you serve with it? A crisp Chablis? A woody Chardonnay? Or a fruity Burgundy?

This man turned to drink when the going got tough

Who …

Short Circuit

‘TONY Blair eats babies, boils live kittens and makes his children listen to the Ugly Rumours’ Greatest Hits double album before they go to bed every night.

The Right Horrible Clare Short

And those are just the mildest of the …

Celebrity 2004

‘FOR those of you who can’t get enough of Jonathan Ross’ film reviewing technique and presentation style there is a chance to watch the man carry on where he left of in the small hours of today.

‘I’d like to

My Two Dads

‘EVEN by soap standards, Karen and Steve’s wedding was spectacular. “I’ve got a bridesmaid who used to be a bloke!” joked Karen in the Kabin to Rita. “My wedding’s got everything.”

‘I’m going to call her Rosemary’

How right she …

Looking For Leeds

‘ONE new arrival who will not be attending a new citizenship ceremony is Dalbir Jhol from Singapore.

Leeds folk have never seen anything like it

The 30-year-old did not arrive in Britain by li-lo or in the back of a …

Chas And Rave

‘WHILE we wonder where Clare Short goes from here, the Independent notes that the powers that be have found a proper job for Prince Charles.

‘Mummy says you’re the one who talks shit?’ ‘Well, I am an organic gardener’

After …

Calamity Clare

‘IT seems odd that someone of Clare Short’s intellect should concern herself with intelligence gathering.

‘I keep my friends close and my enemies closer’

But her claims that Kofi Annan, the United Nations secretary general, was spied on by British …

Paper Talk

‘THE MIRROR lands on our doorstep with a reassuring thud. But hang on a minute, the front page is full of some rubbish about Clare Short (whoever she is). Wot, no Jordan?

At last! An entire magazine devoted to our

Living The Dream

‘AND the Posh-Jordan war broke out on a new front yesterday.

Beckham

The Star reports that Peter Andre has leapt to his girl’s defence, saying that he’ll deck Becks if necessary. However, he also said that he fancies Posh – …

What Katie Did Next

‘“IS SUN-thing up Jordan?” asks the Sun.

Jordan

Which is a bit rude, when you think about it. But add a little comma after “up”, and a more kindly intention is revealed.

The picture shows Katie Price reading yesterday’s Sun …

Pull Over

‘POLICE in new York claim to have arrested a man who they saw watching a porn film on the DVD inside his Mercedes while driving his car.

Reports say that 35-year-old Andre Gainey was driving near the Schenectady Police Station …

Dream Homes

‘WHEN Bill Cosby hung up his jumper for the last time, we thought we’d seen the end of the Cosby Show.

The antithesis of reality TV

The cast went on to bigger and better things (although apart form Lisa Bonet’s …

World Cup Shame

‘SPEAKING to the Sun, Rugby World Cup hero Jonny Wilkinson is in self-effacing mood.

As any Australian will tell you, real men don’t dance

Recalling the last seconds of the World Cup final, England’s fly-half is critical of his reaction …

Rock And Roll

‘WE lied. Elton John is not talking about Princess Diana or even singing about her as if she were a stuttering candle.

A tidal wave of terror

He’s too busy talking about, well, Elton John, his show in Los Angeles …

Lancaster Bomber

‘AS tough jobs go, getting Rachel Hunter to show us her underwear is at No. 5, under Elton John talking about Princess Diana (see next story), Posh harping on about Day-vid, Kerry McPudden’s tales of the jungle and Jordan showing …

Hicksville

‘SO after the long wait, India Hicks had another boy.

She’s the cat’s mother

She has two already, which is more than enough for most but then India is not just anyone.

For the record, there’s Felix, named after a …

Order Of The Boot

‘THE FOOTBALL authorities are looking into arrangements for a mid-season break, on the grounds that players are supposedly exhausted at the end of a long English season, and are thus unable to win international tournaments in the summer.

Warming the

Doggy Styled

‘SUCH as Posh’s new hair extensions.

Hair by Rex

“Don’t give me hair like that DOG Jordan!” reads the Sun’s front page, upon the news of “POSH’S NEW OUTBURST”.

“POSH GETS 16 INCHES,” screams page 4, under a banner that …

Bearing False Witness

‘“POSH: THEY ARE FALSE,” announces the Star. “72 per cent of Brits say she HAS had a boob job.”

100% of you said you’d rather see this than a picture of Posh’s chest

That’s 72 per cent of those who …

Heal Thyself

‘OF course we don’t have to imagine what Jesus would do today if he were among us because we have Tony Blair.

‘Row, row, row your boat, merrily down the stream and if you see Cliff Richard don’t forget to

Air Rage

‘IF Jesus were alive today, Mary and Joseph, his non-biological dad, would have video evidence of their boy’s finest moments captured on a hand-held camcorder.

Captain Beadle was known for his wicked sense of humour

A few funnier outtakes would, …

We Were Disciples

‘“I’M expecting a world-changing experience,” said Cindy Hawkswell, one of thousands of fundamentalist Christians who queued up on Ash Wednesday to see the opening of Mel Gibson’s new Jesus biopic, The Passion.

‘Just my ruddy luck to sit behind him…’

Show And Tell

‘HOW far wold you go to secure a good grade at school? Would you strip off in front of a class full of students?

One college professor at Mars Hill College, North Carolina, made his class just such an offer: …

We Could Eat Heroes

‘RICK Stein is like someone’s trendy dad. Or rather, he is like someone’s dad who is tying hard to be trendy.

‘No, I think cod is whiter than haddock…’

You can imagine being a young boy in Rick’s care – …