Named And Shamed

‘RIGHT, hands up anyone called Cheese! Thank you. Now, would you all go and stand over there, please. That’s great.

‘Anyone up for a roasting?’

OK, hands up anyone called Onion! Great! Now, if you could all go and stand …

Several Pints And One Short

‘THE Mirror reports that Clare Short was so drunk that she abused the police when they asked to see her security pass at the Labour party conference.

‘But a Samaritan, as he travelled, came where the woman was…’

‘She was …

Dog Days (And Nights)

‘REMEMBER the days when the worst thing likely to happen in a car park was kids violating a parking meter to rob a few pence for a bag of Fruit Salad chews?

Stan’s career has been dogged by controversy

Well, …

Ta-ta, Tara

‘ONE human year may equate to seven in the canine world, but in Celebville it is more like 10.

Percy has scaled the cliff-face of love

And that means that Joan Collins and toyboy husband Percy Gibson have just celebrated …

Snap Happy

‘NEWS that Rod Stewart’s ex-wife Rachel Hunter has been signed up as the new “face” of lingerie range Ultimo has not gone down too well with the singer’s current girlfriend Penny Lancaster.

Thank to Ultimo, Rachel could once more use

A Fine Romance

‘FROM little acorns, they say, big oaks grow, but it’s far too early in the romance between Jordan and Peter Andre to talk of the sprouting of little saplings.

Jordan’s third nipple

Indeed, as the “smitten jungle lovers” open their …

Hirsute’s You, Sir

‘TURKMENISTAN has a number of strange laws, a ban on ballet and a tax on foreigners marrying its women being among them. But the latest is a new law that bans men from having unkempt hair either in the form …

A Wait Off Their Mind

‘IT was only the Carling Cup but, after 128 years without a single piece of silverware, Middlesbrough were not going to quibble.

Middlesbrough party likes it 1876

The whistle that brought to an end yesterday’s match also, in the words …

Horses For Courses

‘“STOP the French eating our ponies,” pleads the Express.

‘Stop playing with your dinner, Marcel’

No, not so we can eat them ourselves. And, most definitely, not because the Somalis have eaten all our donkeys and are now looking for …

Prince Among Men

‘WE had never thought of Prince Edward as a champion of women’s equality – until now.

‘Eddie’s a real brick’

Whereas other less progressive men would leap forward to help a damsel in distress, Edward knows when to hang back. …

Going The Country Way

‘IT is a little known fact that The Archers are not a family of ruddy-cheeked Englishmen and women but a band of Afghani and Albanian immigrants.

Archie was a more wooden performer than he sounded on the radio

The Archers …

Coal For (Fat) Cats

‘WHILE drugs get cheaper, we all get richer – or at least all of us who own our own house.

Millionaires’ row

In fact, so rich are we all that millionaires will be ten a penny in a few years …

Booze & Cheers

‘REVENGE, as Clare Short knows, may be a dish best served cold, but what do you serve with it? A crisp Chablis? A woody Chardonnay? Or a fruity Burgundy?

This man turned to drink when the going got tough

Who …

Short Circuit

‘TONY Blair eats babies, boils live kittens and makes his children listen to the Ugly Rumours’ Greatest Hits double album before they go to bed every night.

The Right Horrible Clare Short

And those are just the mildest of the …

Celebrity 2004

‘FOR those of you who can’t get enough of Jonathan Ross’ film reviewing technique and presentation style there is a chance to watch the man carry on where he left of in the small hours of today.

‘I’d like to

My Two Dads

‘EVEN by soap standards, Karen and Steve’s wedding was spectacular. “I’ve got a bridesmaid who used to be a bloke!” joked Karen in the Kabin to Rita. “My wedding’s got everything.”

‘I’m going to call her Rosemary’

How right she …

Looking For Leeds

‘ONE new arrival who will not be attending a new citizenship ceremony is Dalbir Jhol from Singapore.

Leeds folk have never seen anything like it

The 30-year-old did not arrive in Britain by li-lo or in the back of a …

Chas And Rave

‘WHILE we wonder where Clare Short goes from here, the Independent notes that the powers that be have found a proper job for Prince Charles.

‘Mummy says you’re the one who talks shit?’ ‘Well, I am an organic gardener’

After …

Calamity Clare

‘IT seems odd that someone of Clare Short’s intellect should concern herself with intelligence gathering.

‘I keep my friends close and my enemies closer’

But her claims that Kofi Annan, the United Nations secretary general, was spied on by British …

Paper Talk

‘THE MIRROR lands on our doorstep with a reassuring thud. But hang on a minute, the front page is full of some rubbish about Clare Short (whoever she is). Wot, no Jordan?

At last! An entire magazine devoted to our

Living The Dream

‘AND the Posh-Jordan war broke out on a new front yesterday.

Beckham

The Star reports that Peter Andre has leapt to his girl’s defence, saying that he’ll deck Becks if necessary. However, he also said that he fancies Posh – …

What Katie Did Next

‘“IS SUN-thing up Jordan?” asks the Sun.

Jordan

Which is a bit rude, when you think about it. But add a little comma after “up”, and a more kindly intention is revealed.

The picture shows Katie Price reading yesterday’s Sun …

Pull Over

‘POLICE in new York claim to have arrested a man who they saw watching a porn film on the DVD inside his Mercedes while driving his car.

Reports say that 35-year-old Andre Gainey was driving near the Schenectady Police Station …

Dream Homes

‘WHEN Bill Cosby hung up his jumper for the last time, we thought we’d seen the end of the Cosby Show.

The antithesis of reality TV

The cast went on to bigger and better things (although apart form Lisa Bonet’s …

World Cup Shame

‘SPEAKING to the Sun, Rugby World Cup hero Jonny Wilkinson is in self-effacing mood.

As any Australian will tell you, real men don’t dance

Recalling the last seconds of the World Cup final, England’s fly-half is critical of his reaction …