What Katie Did Next

‘“IS SUN-thing up Jordan?” asks the Sun.

Jordan

Which is a bit rude, when you think about it. But add a little comma after “up”, and a more kindly intention is revealed.

The picture shows Katie Price reading yesterday’s Sun …

Pull Over

‘POLICE in new York claim to have arrested a man who they saw watching a porn film on the DVD inside his Mercedes while driving his car.

Reports say that 35-year-old Andre Gainey was driving near the Schenectady Police Station …

Dream Homes

‘WHEN Bill Cosby hung up his jumper for the last time, we thought we’d seen the end of the Cosby Show.

The antithesis of reality TV

The cast went on to bigger and better things (although apart form Lisa Bonet’s …

World Cup Shame

‘SPEAKING to the Sun, Rugby World Cup hero Jonny Wilkinson is in self-effacing mood.

As any Australian will tell you, real men don’t dance

Recalling the last seconds of the World Cup final, England’s fly-half is critical of his reaction …

Rock And Roll

‘WE lied. Elton John is not talking about Princess Diana or even singing about her as if she were a stuttering candle.

A tidal wave of terror

He’s too busy talking about, well, Elton John, his show in Los Angeles …

Lancaster Bomber

‘AS tough jobs go, getting Rachel Hunter to show us her underwear is at No. 5, under Elton John talking about Princess Diana (see next story), Posh harping on about Day-vid, Kerry McPudden’s tales of the jungle and Jordan showing …

Hicksville

‘SO after the long wait, India Hicks had another boy.

She’s the cat’s mother

She has two already, which is more than enough for most but then India is not just anyone.

For the record, there’s Felix, named after a …

Order Of The Boot

‘THE FOOTBALL authorities are looking into arrangements for a mid-season break, on the grounds that players are supposedly exhausted at the end of a long English season, and are thus unable to win international tournaments in the summer.

Warming the

Doggy Styled

‘SUCH as Posh’s new hair extensions.

Hair by Rex

“Don’t give me hair like that DOG Jordan!” reads the Sun’s front page, upon the news of “POSH’S NEW OUTBURST”.

“POSH GETS 16 INCHES,” screams page 4, under a banner that …

Bearing False Witness

‘“POSH: THEY ARE FALSE,” announces the Star. “72 per cent of Brits say she HAS had a boob job.”

100% of you said you’d rather see this than a picture of Posh’s chest

That’s 72 per cent of those who …

Heal Thyself

‘OF course we don’t have to imagine what Jesus would do today if he were among us because we have Tony Blair.

‘Row, row, row your boat, merrily down the stream and if you see Cliff Richard don’t forget to

Air Rage

‘IF Jesus were alive today, Mary and Joseph, his non-biological dad, would have video evidence of their boy’s finest moments captured on a hand-held camcorder.

Captain Beadle was known for his wicked sense of humour

A few funnier outtakes would, …

We Were Disciples

‘“I’M expecting a world-changing experience,” said Cindy Hawkswell, one of thousands of fundamentalist Christians who queued up on Ash Wednesday to see the opening of Mel Gibson’s new Jesus biopic, The Passion.

‘Just my ruddy luck to sit behind him…’

Show And Tell

‘HOW far wold you go to secure a good grade at school? Would you strip off in front of a class full of students?

One college professor at Mars Hill College, North Carolina, made his class just such an offer: …

We Could Eat Heroes

‘RICK Stein is like someone’s trendy dad. Or rather, he is like someone’s dad who is tying hard to be trendy.

‘No, I think cod is whiter than haddock…’

You can imagine being a young boy in Rick’s care – …

Not the Devils We Know

‘COULD we be approaching the end of a glorious era at Old Trafford?

Hopping madness

We ask this in light of last night’s Champions League performance by the Red Devils in which they, as the Sun reports, lost 2-1 to …

Family Affairs

‘IT’S Valentine’s Day in Albert Square, and this being Eastenders, producers decided to mark it by getting a brother and sister to end up in bed together. Admittedly, Sharon and Dennis are siblings in name only but, even so, there’s …

Life’s A Beach

‘IF THE dirty-underpants show gets the go-ahead, then Kim and Aggie’s efforts will at least provide some relief for the police force.

Not that we are suggesting that the boys in blue are dirty and smelly, you understand. It’s just …

The Trail Of The Lonesome Cockatiels

‘WHEN a man in the Salisbury area had his aviary of 12 cockatiels raided he feared he would never see his beloved birds again.

Luckily for him, the birds had developed the habit of whistling the Laurel and Hardy theme …

Political Animals

‘POLITICS is often a matter of perspective. It depends where you are coming from.

‘Zis ist your driver speaking. Anyvone with a super saver ticket vill be shot’

For instance, some may be of the opinion that the British National …

Civil Rights

‘OUR own leader is not above listening to what goes on overseas, and he might just be set for a cull in the manner of Russia’s Mr Putin.

Britain’s slow bowlers

The Guardian was at a speech the Prime Minister …

Russian Revolution

‘THOSE Russians don’t do things by halves. When they have a revolution in public services and institutions that don’t reshape the House of Lords, they take it outside and shoot it.

Smudger considers another offer not to speak

Not that …

Filth On The Box

‘ONE reality TV show that we trust will be Jordan-free is Channel 4’s latest offering.

‘It’s pants’

Filming starts this week on Too Posh to Wash, a programme described by the Star with typical delicacy as being “based on viewers’ …

Moment Of Truth

‘“POSH’S BOOBS: BRITAIN DECIDES.” Yes, indeed. For although the Star put its weight behind Jordan’s hefty claim yesterday, it seems that the issue of Victoria Beckham’s alleged breast enhancement is still not settled.

Posh is making Day-vid look like a

Those Who Can Do…

‘CLARE Short: discuss. Use graphs and diagrams wherever possible.

‘Do as I say and not as I do’

That would a make good geography GCSE question. Students would be given flags with a picture of Short on and asked to …