Quack! Quack!

‘WHEN PT Barnum said there was a sucker born every minute, he was talking at a time when the world’s population was much smaller than it is today.

Brad also has a big watch

By Anorak’s quasi-scientific reckoning (otherwise known …

Women On Top

‘IS it merely coincidence that both the McPuddings and the Douglases, OK!’s two most romantic couples, are the subject of interviews in the magazine this week?

Day-vid wears the sarong

Or is there something more sinister at work? Has OK! …

The Five-Minute Queen

‘LIKE a televisual earthquake, the aftershocks of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here can be felt for months after the show itself is finished.

Kerry’s celebrity CV also lists her two children

Every time Linda Barker urges us to …

Body Of Evidence

‘WE are all for the enterprise culture here at Anorak Towers. But even thrusting young Blairites like us must draw the line at the efforts of one Japanese man to boost his failing business.

Nobuhiko Takahashi ran an undertakers. And …

A Pinch Of Salt

‘IT’S a true enough fact that today’s dish of the day is tomorrow’s leftovers.

Nell is also available for work with pickled eggs

And while Liz Hurley is riding high now, if she cocks a glance over her bare shoulder, …

Dress To Impress

‘WHAT Duncan Roy is forgetting is that Hurley is so very much more than an accomplished actress and a ravishing beauty – she is a woman in a dress.

‘And the winner for best use of a dead rabbit goes

Method Acting

‘NO sooner has the St Valentine’s Day balloon begun to deflate and the heart-shaped Teddy come apart at the seams than love is put under renewed strain.

The new face of Polyfilla

The Sun tells us that all is not …

Second Chances

‘TV can give celebrities a new lease of life when their original career has petered out.Tonight, we’ve got Suggs on Salvage Squad (Channel 4 8pm), seeing if he and his team can repair a 1950s Massey Harris 780 combine harvester. …

A Class Act

‘REMEMBER the Nineties?

‘My children had a good education, so yours didn’t have to’

‘Wonderwall’, ‘Macarena’, ‘Education, Education, Education’…

When Tony Blair serenaded the nation with his education song, it looked like he would be top of the pops forever. …

Ringing The Changes

‘LIVING in Iraq isn’t all milk and honey now that the country has been liberated. Saddam may have gone, but problems remain, and many people face a struggle to survive.

‘Mr President, try holding the phone the other way up…’

Kissed off

‘WELL done Andrea Sarti and Anna Chen! Anorak is pleased to salute your extraordinary achievement of kissing for 31 hours and 18 minutes this weekend.

‘Close your eyes and think of England’

The Guardian doesn’t explain why you stopped at …

All The Way, Jose

‘SUB-EDITORS must love Arsenal’s new boy Jose Antonio Reyes nearly as much as fans of the north London team adore their new hero.

Catch me if you can

Sadly, the headline writers overlook the delicious “Reyes of light shines out …

The Defence Rests

‘SIR Alex Ferguson has apparently been told he could stay at Manchester United for the next 10 years if Malcolm Glazer wins his battle with Irish tycoons John Magnier and JP McManus for control of the Old Trafford club.

South

Flash Dance

‘JORDAN must be licking her lips at the prospect of going to the county that made Pamela Anderson a star but is aghast when Janet Jackson flashes the better part of her right breast.

‘And if you wanna see some

Back to Basic

‘IF Jordan does decide that acting is her bag, she could ape the career of Pamela Anderson and play a life preserver on a Californian beach.

Sharon does all her own cunning stunts

Or she could follow the career path …

Her Two Brains

‘AS Jordan would agree, you can never have too much Jordan.

Jordan’s brains scored a FF in GCSE maths

The model who takes up almost as many column inches as she does square inches is planning to conquer America.

The …

Art Attack

‘SINCE imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, we should not be too upset if some scientist, mad or otherwise, wishes to replicate us for all time.

This could happen again

In years to come we will look like us, …

Our Better Selves

‘IN the class of the future, we may yet a see a return of Mr Chips, that venerable old teacher of days gone by.

You’ve seen one human embryo, you’ve seen them all

The Telegraph leads with the news that …

Working Class

‘SCHOOL breaks up, school breaks down, we don’t care if the school falls down.

‘I don’t care what Ms Short told you, this is not America and you cannot shoot your teachers’

The Health and Safety Executive might have a …

Bush Babies

‘BEIJING businessman Guo has applied for permission to use the name of George W Bush for his brand of disposable nappies. He has filed an application with the General Administration for Industry and Commerce of China asking to be able …

Kerry’s Sex Shame

‘“’DIRTY Tricks’ Claim Over Kerry, Fonda And A Mystery Girl.”

Now with even more realistic lips

So reports this morning’s Mail and it is with a sinking heart that we get ready for the backlash against Queen Of The Jungle …

Double Take

‘THERE are some couples that are even more famous than Barbie and Ken – the two zeppelins that form Jordan’s chest, for instance, and indeed I’m A Celebrity presenters Ant and Dec.

Ant and Dec x 10

But could you …

Beyond Her Ken

‘THERE are some couples who are just meant to be together – Jack and Vera, Simon Groom and Goldie, George and Mildred, George and Tony, George and Asda and, of course, Barbie and Ken.

The bed was an emptier place

The Naftas

‘YOU may have to wait until next Tuesday to find out whose boob will accidentally pop out when Justin Timberlake climbs on stage at the Brit Awards, although the clever money is on it being one of Cat Deeley’s kittens. …

Red Devils May Care

‘IT looks like being a football fan still counts for something, and we read with interest how Glenn Hoddle will not be returning to Southampton…yet.

Conrad Gates – on his way to Chelsea?

“Rest assured their [fans’] feeling will be …