Give Him Enough Grope

”I HAVE done things which I thought were playful but now I recognise I have offended people,’ Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted some months ago.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, the Governor of California’

No, he’s not referring to Twins. Or even Kindergarten Cop. …

Fools’ Gold

‘YOU’VE got to hand it to the Daily Mail – their writers are terrific wags.

April Fool! She’s still dead really!

‘Was it a royal joke? You bet!’ they reveal on page 31.

‘It was the question royal-watchers everywhere were …

Old Dog, Old Trick

‘FROM fuck-up to fuckwit to Des O’Connor – and we can hardly tell you how glad we are to see his happy 72-year-old face beaming at us from the pages of Hello!

‘We’ll meet again…sooner than you think’

There’s only …

Lady V Sign

‘AND so we never did find out why Petrina Khashoggi is moving to New York – but we imagine it is for similar reasons that persuaded Lady Victoria Hervey to head west.

‘London is, hic, much more superficial’

No-one wanted …

Addicted To Love

‘“HELLO. My name is Petrina and I am addicted to therapy.”

‘I’ve got AA at 10, NA at 11, SLAA at 12, TA at 1, I’m flying BA at 2, seeing the DA at 3…’

“Hello, Petrina.”

“I am 23 …

1968 And All That

‘FOR all England’s talk of success in Euro 2004 or, more probably, the 2006 World Cup, the fact remains this morning that we haven’t beaten Sweden for nigh on four decades.

Portugal-bound?

Sweden are a decent side, but they cannot …

Bogey Man

‘PICKING your nose and eating it may be considered disgusting, but it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to top Austrian lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger.

He said society should adopt a new approach to …

Right Charlize

‘NEWSPAPERS take great care about which stories they place next to each other.

‘I’ll be wearing black and squatting awkwardly by a wall’

So we can only assume that the juxtaposition in the Telegraph of a picture of Charlize Theron …

Fowl Bomb

‘ON this of all days you expect to read stories of a cow who really did jump over the moon, a crack troop of flying kamikaze pigs or a chicken-powered nuclear bomb.

‘I think I’d prefer a battery farm, if

One Giant Leap For Mankind

‘MORE than 30 years after Neil Armstrong uttered the immortal words, “Jeez! It IS made of cheese”, sending a man to the moon is still regarded as the zenith of human achievement.

‘Ah, Buchanan Street at last!’

However, this morning …

Only Obeying Orders

‘WHEN West Germany beat the legendary “Mighty Magyars” of Hungary in the 1954 World Cup final in Switzerland, it was one of the greatest football upsets of all time.

‘Take that, Fritz’

But now it has been claimed that the …

Bubble Rap

‘THERE’S nothing dodgy about this story – it’s in more than one paper – but the bosses at Nestlé will be wishing that it were an April Fool.

Shit In A Box

“CHOCK ‘EM ALL AWAY” says the Star, reporting …

Triumph Of Wills

‘ALL papers like to run a hoax story on April Fool’s day, but the usual form is to slip it inconspicuously into one of the news pages.

‘Hi, my name’s Wills. I’m a groovy kind of polo-playing kind of guy…’

Bonus Balls

‘ENGLAND may have found the money to keep Sven Goran Eriksson in charge of the national team until a better offer comes along, but the players are feeling the pinch.They are apparently unhappy that the FA has cut their Euro …

We Love Lucy

‘THIS is the end. Today marks the death of this column as a daily piece, and what more fitting way to go than with an episode of Footballers’ Wives.

‘How dare you say I can’t act!’

And the death knell …

Poor Whore

‘IT seems that not even prostitutes can escape the march of consumer protection legislation with a Romanian man lodging an official complaint after accusing a street girl of ‘not doing her best’.

Adrian Ionut Craciunoiu is distinctly miffed that he …

Snake Oil

‘IN times gone by, a bit of elbow grease was all that was needed to shift even the most stubborn stains.

‘Now what have we done with the snake?’

But polluted as these islands have been by foreign influence these …

The Naked Truth

‘IF the little child who pointed out that the emperor was naked in the Hans Christian Andersson story were here today, chances are that he would be locked up for his temerity.

Not for sale in Britain

At the very …

By George!

‘THERE are some lunatics in this country who want a statue of Steve Thoburn, the so-called Metric Martyr, erected on the fourth plinth in London’s Trafalgar Square.

Prototype of Metric Martyr statue

He is, they argue, a true British hero …

State Of The Nation

”ROYLE BRITANNIA’ announces the Sun, above a picture of couch-potato Jim from the Royle Family. ‘We’re idle nation hooked on junk food and the box.’

‘When’s Topless Darts on?’

But is this a warning or a boast?

The accompanying article …

So Much To Answer For

‘THEY may observe old-world courtesies in Liverpool, but down the road in Manchester things are very different.

Click HERE to see Lizzy naked!

The Star reports that ‘reality’ TV show Wife Swap is under fire for deliberately seeking out ‘lazy-arse …

The Duel In The ‘Pool

‘ANOTHER day, another chapter in the Rooney-McCloughlin feud.

Mr McCloughlin wins in Round 8

Today, young Wayne reflects, via the pages of the Daily Star, upon his heartbreak as he watched his ‘beautiful’ fiancée Colleen in tears at the day …

Passion Play

‘IF you are blind, have leprosy or are just suffering from a particularly nasty hangover, can we recommend a trip to the local cinema?

‘It’s done wonders for my back this walk’

No, not to see Jersey Girl, although watching …

Critical Acclaim

‘CRITICISM is relative. Ben Affleck’s recent films have been such complete turkeys that the words ‘Doesn’t completely suck’ seem like high praise.

More wooden than Pinocchio’s stunt double

The Enquirer therefore is right when it says things are looking up …

Blonde Ambition

‘AS the clocks go forward and winter gives way to spring, it seems that it’s time for a change.

But gentlemen marry brunettes…

And while Britney Spears and Emma Noble are making the journey from blonde to brunette, most of …