Johnny Rotten Foreigner

‘THERE is an old political maxim that the Government treats foreigners how it would treat its own citizens if it could get away with it.

The new seekers

In which case, the people of Britain should be afraid, very afraid. …

Spinning For Jennie

‘AND then there were three. Jennie Bond continues to defy the British public by refusing to be voted out in favour of a younger, better known and better looking celebrity and surviving until tonight’s final.

Good Queen Jennie

But the …

The Name’s Bond

‘JENNY Bond’s mum’s phone bill must by now have overtaken the GDP of a small Central American republic as her daughter’s continued survival in the jungle continues to amaze.

Viewers voted to see the back of Alex

Alex Best was …

O Brother, Who Art Thou?

‘AS predicted by anyone who’s ever watched a single episode of a soap in their lives, Ronnie does need a kidney transplant and – what a surprise – secret long-lost brother Tariq is his only chance.

Barry enacts another crime

A Lorra Lorra Money

‘THE comedy genius that is Peter Kay left the Phoenix Club (“sunshine indoors”) to pay a welcome visit to The Rovers Return this week.

Norman Bates

He played brewery delivery man Eric and would-be suitor to Shelly. “Sunshine Shelly, I …

Lord Of The Ring

‘IT takes something close to a miracle, like an England cricket victory, to knock football off the back pages of the papers – but what do they do when there is no football news to report?

Lewis issues a challenge

Up Close And Personal

‘DOUG Neece from Iowa has been convicted of indecent exposure despite his wife testifying in court that her husband’s penis couldn’t have been seen from 35ft away, as alleged.

Neece’s wife, Sheila, told the jury that her husband isn’t very …

A Rotten Sport

‘JOHN Lydon’s walk from the I’m A Celebrity jungle was not in the mould of Captain Oates.

‘I’m so petty, you’re so petty…’

Whereas the good captain was a selfless type who acted for the better good of the greater …

Odds Against

‘THE chances of being killed in a road accident in the UK are one in 6,000, the chances of being murdered this year on a British street are one in 80,000 and the chances of being dealt a royal flush …

A Con Job

‘IF President Bush and Tony Blair have only had eyes for Iraq (and each other), then the same could just as easily be said of the papers.

‘The greatest British swordsman never to have won an Olympic gold’ – J.

Nukes R Us

‘THE days when the only reason you went to the likes of Tesco, Sainsbury’s or Asda was to buy your weekly groceries have long passed.

Winston advertises the great 2-for-1 deal

These days, the supermarket giants sell more CDs and …

Harry’s Game

‘THERE can be little denying that Prince Harry is, like his dad, something of a lady’s man.

Lauren recreates the pose that made Diana a household name

On second thoughts, best make that ladies’ man in the plural, since the …

The Roads To Ruin

‘IF you have been affected by issues raised in story one, then call us on 0800 UpInArms to discuss the matter in a strictly one-on-one highly confidential way with our special advisers, Andrew Gilligan and Alastair Campbell.

‘No loitering’

In …

Television’s Soft Centre

‘WHEN the BBC gets round to making its film of the Hutton Inquiry, we who still have faith in the corporation know what a good job it will do.

In this scene, Tony sees the irony in having once been

Sick As A Cockerel

‘WHEN the fight was done, when the Hotspurs were dry with rage and extreme toil, they surely reflected on last night’s defeat by Manchester City as one of the lowest points in a series of low points.

City slickers

There …

Gone Rotten

‘JOHN Lydon (as Johnny Rotten now likes to be known) has apparently apologised for saying two words that the tabloids could only represent with the aid of several asterisks.

Jenny Bond without her make-up on

ITV producers said the former …

Giant Ejaculation

‘A 50-TON decomposing sperm whale exploded while being transported through Tainan City, Taiwan, on its way to a research centre.

The incident splattered cars and shops with blood and blubber.

National Cheng Kung University’s Professor Wang Chien-ping had ordered the …

The Lord Is Ben Shephard

‘LOOKING at Ben Shephard out there in the celebrity jungle on assignment for GMTV, we realise that he cannot have travelled alone.

Are you Wilfred Owen in disguise?

It’s pretty obvious from looking at Ben’s clothes and preppy demeanour that …

Plain Wong

‘THIS is not the Chinese year of the monkey for nothing, and we at Anorak are not a little displeased that our good friends Andy and Patti Wong, of Wong’s Takeaway, failed to get an invite to us for their …

One Degree Of Separation

‘WHAT works for Hollywood and Kevin Bacon in seven degrees has been pared down in Ireland to become the one degree of separation that links pretty much the entire population of that emerald isle to Westlife.

‘I had joy, I

Jackson Bollocks

‘THE only thing more challenging than trying to ‘sex up’ Government dossiers is getting anyone who weighs less than 300lbs, has a neck narrower than their head and is not called Brad to watch the Superbowl.

Wardobe malfunction, wardobe malfunction

Double Standards

‘THERE are few things more satisfying than reading exposes about double standards, or more specifically double yellow line standards.

‘You say traffic jam; I say illegally parked’

Sticking with travel and cars, we move to the Sun’s story of the …

The Flying Squab

‘JUST as you never see a baby pigeon, you never see one that’s lost.

‘Did he say the B4156 or the B1456?’

For a long while it was believed that pigeons relied wholly on in-built sensors that ensured they always …

War Games

‘THERE is something pretty wrong with any country that chooses its leader on the basis of their record in a war that finished nearly 30 years ago.

‘Can we hurry up with the photo? The bar’s open already’

But Vietnam …

Passage To India

‘WE may have given India their railways and their trains a century and a half ago, but the Indians could soon be giving us our train times.

India’s biggest call centre houses 150,000 operators at any one time

National Rail …