Puff Daddy

‘DESPITE the best efforts of Colin Farrell to scare Hollywood off, the Enquirer brings news that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going all out to have a baby.

‘Now, who was I married to again?’

And so committed are …

I Feel You

‘THERE are ten people in the Australian jungle with appetites that are going unsatisfied, but for one contestant it is not just hunger for food.

Not so mysterious girl

The Star says sexual tension between Peter Andre and Jordan was …

Unwhole Again

‘CATS may have nine lives, but Atomic Kitten only had two.

The Pointer Sisters

They survived the departure of Kerry Katona (now masquerading in the Australian outback as Ms McPudding) in 2001, but they will not outlast the loss of …

Devil’s Advocate

‘WINSTON Churchill once said that, if Hitler invaded Hell, he would have a nice word to say about the Devil in the House of Commons.

Greg Dyke

The same could be said by the Daily Mail of Tony Blair and …

The Fat Of The Land

‘IF B can be C, then why can’t fat be thin? Of course, it can, it’s just a matter of relativity.

The dear departed

For instance, if you are fat in London, you may well just be portly in Stock-on-Tent …

The Letters Of The Law

‘WHILE the BBC was busy making news, around 50 cannabis smokers and campaigners were making something altogether more intoxicating.

‘It’s the one after C I have trouble with’

The Guardian looked on, not daring to inhale, as Edinburgh’s Purple Haze …

Dyke Fingered

‘THE advice to talk softly and carry a big stick had been sexed up, down and sideways by the time it reached Greg Dyke’s ears.

BBC campaign for yet more repeats

The cover of the Guardian has a photograph of …

Peter & The Wolf

‘IT has been six long years since Peter Andre last lit up our screens with his six-pack stomach and songs like Mysterious Girl, Flava and I Feel You.

‘Who ate all the pies?’

The fickle finger of fate which beckoned …

A Made-Up Story

‘AS part of the Government’s vaunted New Deal, thousands of people up and down the land have learnt a new skill to equip them for the job market of the new millennium.

‘Hey, Dave! Some of the grouting’s come loose’

Becks’s Brazilian

‘RONALDO might have been named Fifa World Player Of The Year on three occasions, have a World Cup winner’s medal, a Golden Boot, a European Cup winner’s medal and be a UN Goodwill Ambassador, but in Hello!’s eyes his greatest …

Starting Over

‘THE story that engenders more words than even the prolix Hutton Report is that of Sir Alex Ferguson.

‘Can I play on the wing?’

Today, the Times lets it be known that the red-faced manager of Manchester United has been …

Scotch Mist

‘WHY do the Scots do it to themselves?

Scottish rockers Mogwai have apparently won thousands of new converts for their music in Croatia after they called the English football team ‘bastards’ and told Croatian journalists that they hope England get …

Just Kerry

‘DAY two and still no sign of Darren Day in the I’m A Celebrity jungle.

‘I’ll thcream and I’ll thcream until I’m thick’

We do however have a full view of Kerry McPudding, the lumpen Scouse bird who was up …

Hadaway & Faeces

‘IT’S not known what effect Alastair Campbell’s swearing had on Lord Hutton. And we should not discount the notion that it might have influenced proceedings.

‘I say, old chap’

After all, Chief Inspector Dave Jackson of Northumbria Police, which oversees …

Carrion Scavenging

‘IF there could be an official bird for the Hutton Report, it would surely be the vulture.

‘I was told I could have Blair for breakfast’

Some might argue for a hawk or a dove, but the vulture seems ideally …

The White Stuff

‘IT’S somewhat fitting that on a day when much of Britain lies beneath a blanket of white snow, the Independent should lead with the word, ‘WHITEWASH?’

An officer shows how the Army managed in Iraq with no guns

To give …

Lucky Jim

‘IS it a crime to want to kill Jim Davidson? Of course, it’s not. There’s not a jury in the land who would convict anyone for bringing the curtain down once and for all on Nick Nick.

‘Yeah. It’s still

Rivers Of Silicone

‘LORD Hutton’s report may dominate the front pages this morning, but one wonders whether the fall-out from the day’s other big story will be more severe.

The land of plenty

The news from the Australian jungle is that Jordan’s boobs …

Hutton Dressed As Lamb

‘THEY came to bury Tony Blair, not to praise him – but the absolute exoneration of the Prime Minister by Lord Hutton yesterday has rather taken the wind out of their sails.

Putting a spoke into the wheel of the

Das Kilt

‘YOU wouldn’t think anyone would want to admit to inventing tartan kilts, far less wear the things, but they have become quite the thing in Austria after archaeologists claimed that it was their country that invented them.

The Austrian claim …

Reyes Of Sunshine

‘BEFORE moving from Seville to Arsenal in a £20m transfer, Jose Antonio Reyes was chiefly famous for one thing.

‘Keep away from me, Ljungberg!’

The Sun tells those who did not know that, in the course of a goal celebration, …

Vital Signs Good

‘BY all accounts, E4 has started slipping down the ratings charts in the United States – a result, one can only imagine, of viewer familiarity rather than falling standards because the medical drama still hits all the buttons that Casualty …

No Escape

‘IT’S been a while – too long – but the Guardian has finally caught up with Cherie Blair.

Hell FM

Like you, we’ve been concerned about Cherie’s well-being ever since we received a Christmas card of her standing alongside a …

A Fair Dinkum Blue

‘THERE are few things more pleasing than watching the other team tear itself apart.

‘It’s not the same since Flick left’

If it’s not the Labour party amusing the Tories by splitting itself in two over top-up fees, it’s Manchester …

Anyone Fancy A Top-Up?

‘STEVE McQueen did it on a motorbike, but Tony Blair’s great escape was achieved by a rearguard offensive led by Gordon Brown and John Prescott.

Blair denies hedging his bets

Facing a catastrophic defeat in the matter of student top-up …