Ifs And Buts

‘PRESIDENT Bush has an election coming up this November, which is why the American inquiry into the accuracy of the intelligence about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction is not expected to report until next year.

‘I’d like to phone a

Another Hammer Blow

‘WHILE Chelsea have sought to replicate West Ham’s midfield at Stamford Bridge, Spurs have opted for a reinvention of the Hammers’ strike force.

Defoe wanted to be part of another relegation struggle

The galling news for Irons’ fans is that …

Cock Up

‘AUSTRIAN dog lovers are mourning the demise of a dog who has died after it urinated on a lamppost made ‘live’ by faulty wiring.

Some would say that dogs fouling the pavement and city are a scourge of modern life …

The Big Read

‘IT was a shame to see Mike Read follow Sian Lloyd and become the first person to be voted out of the I’m A Celebrity… camp this year, if only because he has the finest example of man breasts seen …

A Right Tit

‘YOU don’t need a degree in media studies. Full stop.

The star of the show

But you certainly don’t need a degree in media studies to work out that the baring of Janet Jackson’s right breast at half-time during Sunday …

Degrees Of Importance

‘LET it never be said that A-Levels are easier than they used to be in the days when students were expected to be able to recite all 24 books of the Iliad from memory and write a short proof of …

Lord Butler Did It

”IRAQ? Oh, we thought you meant Iran.’

‘Does a crossbow count, sarge?’

Britain’s spooks are busy rehearsing their excuses after news that the Government will today announce an inquiry into the intelligence failure in the run-up to the war with …

Dogs Of War

‘EVEN without Hitler and the Lidl supermarket chain, Britain is still blessed with a smattering of Teutonic influence on high.

‘Little kid, five o’clock. Go!’

We speak of course of our beloved Royal Family, who today make the revered pages …

The Fuhrer Of The Valleys

‘IT has not evaded our searchlight that the incident at the Lidl’s supermarket occurred in one of its Welsh branches.

One of the few surviving pictures of Winnie

For this is not the only occasion in today’s press where Welsh-German …

Off Their Trolley

‘AS far as our research goes, we have no idea if the aisles at Lidl supermarkets are wider and straighter than those at their rivals’ stores.

Lesson 6 – How To Park A Trolley

Our survey falls short of discovering …

If The Bra Fits…

‘ON the subject of I’m A Celebrity… and large breasts, it cannot have escaped your notice that Kerry McPadding is currently providing the rain in the Australian rainforest.

Anyone for McPudding

And that means that our lachrymose star won’t be …

Masto-Scrabble

‘THE Cheeky Girls deny that they are in the market for breast implants, but it seems that Danniella Westbrook can’t get enough.

‘I can float on my back for days’

In fact, it looks as if she has replaced one …

Turning The Other Cheek

‘THERE are some questions to which it is impossible to provide a satisfactory answer.

Arses about faces

For instance, how does the bloke who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings and what would happen if you tied …

Reyes, But No Sunshine

‘JOSE Antonio Reyes made a debut appearance as substitute in yesterday’s 2-1 win over Manchester City after becoming potentially Arsenal’s most expensive signing.

Next time he’ll wear boxing gloves

And he got what the Times describes as a crash course …

Out With The Old

‘IMMIGRATION into Britain is at record levels and will account for almost two-thirds of Britain’s population growth over the next 25 years.

Gladys and Sid were happy to go to Albania so long as there was jelly and that nice

Kafka Courts

‘THE doctrine of pre-emption is not just confined to our foreign policy, but is already seeping into our criminal justice system.

CAMRA members deny being involved with suicide bombs

The Guardian says Home Secretary David Blunkett is planning a major …

Passing The Buck

‘NO sooner has Tony Blair emerged with halo intact from the Hutton inquiry, he is facing yet another test of his integrity and all-round good blokeness.

‘Sure it fires water now, but with modifications, it could fire peas and even

Snap Shot

‘ANYONE wishing to get into journalism should not be put off. There are easier routes into the profession than eating maggots and meeting Jamie Oliver’s staff.

Number 23 is ably supported by our trainee snappers

For instance, Module One of …

Where Anglers Fear To Tread

‘FEARFUL of incurring the wrath of Tony Blair, various ageing Law Lords and the MoD, it’s not just reporters of the BBC that are playing it safe.

‘Anyone know where I can get an Uzi?’

Rather than take on the …

Naked Ambition

‘IF the BBC’s legion of journalists is unable to ask the questions that matter, what will we be left with?

Nicola has nothing to hide

It’s a problem Nicola McLean, the Sun’s woman who gets to the heart of the …

Advance Insania Fair

‘NOT everyone who makes it onto I’m A Celebrity… goes on to bigger and better things.

Available for pantomime

Indeed, the jungle clearing often resembles a culling field, a place where the lamest, most tired acts in celebritydom are picked …

TV Time

‘JUNIOR Allen, 63, knows all about the toughness of the US penal system. He’s been in prison since 1970, and has applied again to the North Carolina Parole Commission for release following 25 straight rejections.

His crime? Stealing a TV …

A Family Affair

‘LIFE continues to get worse and worse for the Slaters – it’s no wonder they’re all a bunch of staggering, fat alcoholics.

‘I feel like a pig in a poke’

Charlie has now been told that he’s being sued by …

Tying The Knot

‘FIZZ has finally chosen between her two suitors, much to the relief of everyone on the street.

Put some Fizz into your life

“It’s so hard being this irresistible,” she sighed to Shelly in The Rovers as Janice choked on …

Kick It Out

‘THE ‘Kick Racism Out Of Football’ campaign celebrated its 10th birthday the other day with most people agreeing that the atmosphere now is much better than it was in 1993.

Scott Parker – part of Chelsea’s 12-man midfield

Perhaps it …