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‘THE police are both dedicated and exceedingly bright, so trying to pull the wool over their eyes is a waste of time.

‘I’M AT THE CIRCUS!’

But to the cuckolded spouse and the fraught boss the new SoundCover mobile phone …

PVC Plod

‘NEWS that four of the United States’ largest internet providers are cracking down on spammers is brought to our attention via the Times.

www.filth.com

Spammers, who send unsolicited mail to your e-mail addresses, can now be sued for sending e-mails …

Youth Work

‘WHILE marketers, advertisers and Tony Blairs love tapping into youth culture, those already in it know it to be a morass of pimple-pricking, sweating, fretting, hormone-driven angst.

‘Smack da bitch up, innit’

So any jobseeker wishing to be seen as …

Charlize A Whizz

‘IF Prince Harry wants to continue his work with Africans who have had difficult upbringings when he returns from Lesotho, he could do worse than look up Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron.

Class 3C enjoyed maths lessons with Miss Theron

The …

Hair To The Throne

‘BREAKING up is hard to do, especially when you have to fork out $1,000 a month to have your ex-wife’s unwanted hair removed by laser, but it is much harder to have someone you love taken from you.

Harry won

Breaking Up – The Breakdown

‘IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a Hollywood star in possession of a good fortune should be in want of a wife…and a damn good divorce lawyer.

‘And that’s after $20,000 of plastic surgery!’

That at least seems to …

Simple Simon

‘YOU can say what you like about Simon Cowell – and anyone who foisted Westlife on the world deserves his fair share of opprobrium – but he certainly has a talent not only for knowing what the public likes but …

Flash Harry

‘A 34-year-old man who exposed himself to a woman in Bielefeld, Germany, has been caught.

The shocked woman’s shouts were heard by officers at a nearby police patrol.

As they pulled up near the man he tried to run off, …

Any Porto In A Storm

‘MANCHESTER United never lose. They are always victims of the referee, the watch and the speed of the earth’s rotation. Never do Alex Ferguson’s team lose to the better outfit.

Gary Neville wipes away a tear

And today things are …

Mission Impossible

‘ANYONE got a few bob to spare? It’s just that Christopher Wilton, our man in Kuwait, is running short of funds.

‘Please give generously’

And if he doesn’t get the necessaries quick smart, he’s gong to be forced to close …

On The Piste

‘FOR every talented professional, there are many amateurs keen to emulate the antics of their heroes.

‘Last one to the pub’s French!’

For many Britons, that means behaving like George Best and getting absolutely rat-arsed. And if you do a …

Scooby Snacks

‘DRUGS and sport are a potent mix. Without drugs, whether in the form of approved dietary aids or banned substances, who knows what the state of sport would be?

‘My name is Prince Battenberg and I’m an alcoholic’

Would muscle-bound …

New Massage

‘SHARON Dyson is probably feeling a bit sheepish this morning after accidentally sending an e-mail intended for boyfriend Alex Hewson to 30 of his mates.

‘Whoops! It looks like I might have used the drain cleaner by mistake’

Needless to …

"Here, Range Rover"

‘BUYING a second-hand car is a dangerous game – there are many unscrupulous dealers out there who are happy to sell a dog of a motor to an unsuspecting purchaser.

Live pictures from Asda car park in Dudley

But DJ …

Out Of Vogue

‘THIS might come as news to anyone who saw her flashing her knickers at photographers at the weekend, but big-chested model Kate Price has apparently ditched her Jordan persona for good.

‘I’m getting m-m-m-married in the m-m-m-morning…’

Love for pint-sized …

This Sporting Life

‘MICKY Adams, the Leicester City manager, says he felt a “moral obligation” to resign his post in the wake of his players’ trip to La Manga.

A man’s game?

The Telegraph hears Adams talk of these being his “darkest days”, …

Wing And A Prayer

‘STAR Trek fan Celeste Ready was the Eternal Ascent Society’s (EAS) first customer, when she released her mother Myrna Clemons’ ashes in a yellow, five-foot helium balloon.

EAS is offering Americans the chance to have their deceased loved ones cremated, …

Hello! Dolly

‘EVERY era has its mysteries. Where did Lord Lucan run to? Who killed Cock Robin? Did Jack Ruby act alone?

‘No, dear. It’s not time for your afternoon nap yet’

And so these days we have our own puzzle to …

This Year’s Green

‘REMEMBER when the Green Party was all about tree hugging and David Icke’s conspiracy theories about lizards and how to save a penalty?

Second Coming expected soon

If you do, you need retraining, your mind needs to be realigned to …

Et Tu, Ronald?

‘SOME things are even harder to swallow than defeat in court. And up there among the very trickiest is the rebranding of McDonald’s as a health food emporium.

McDonald’s new staff uniforn

But times do change and so it is …

Crying Woolf

‘IT’S not that justice is blind, rather that the wig slips a little from time to time and falls over the eyes.

‘What do you think of the tight perm, Your Honour?’

Tony Blair is set on reforming things by …

Going Solo

‘IF James Hewitt is the king of reality TV after his win in the Back To Reality show, there is no doubt that Kerry McPudding is the queen.

‘And his thighs are that wide!’

And the Star reports this morning …

Hewitt And Cry

‘BEATING up photographers is fast becoming a celebrity sport and, given how irritating the paparazzi can be, not one of which we wholly disapprove.

‘Who wants a piece, then?’

Some stars, such as actor Sean Penn and Coldplay’s Chris Martin, …

The Adams Family

‘MICKY Adams should have known better – no sooner had he pleaded for an end to the ‘trial by media’ of his players then the Press were scrabbling around for more dirt on Leicester City’s ill-fated trip to La Manga. …

Smillie Culture

‘WHEN Posh and Jordan have finished their fight to the death, and Becks has slaughtered Peter Andre in a duel and then fallen on his own sword, who will be top of the celebrity pyre?

Well, if she was the